Naruto What If
by Blade8821
Summary: Have you ever tried putting yourself in someone else's shoes? Well, what if you woke up and found yourself in the sandals of the resident emo, Sasuke Uchiha? What would YOU do? YO! To all my readers, fans, and haters, this series is currently undergoing a rewrite and cleanup for better quality. First chapter has already been redone, so please take a look and tell me what you think!
1. Chapter 1 Wake-Up Call

**Naruto; **

**First Arc; Awakening**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. I see things, I have snarky smartass comments, you want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 1; I know, I couldn't help it. I thought to myself, "What if someone who read Naruto found himself in the sandals of Sasuke Uchiha..." ...Well... Let's find out.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Uugh..." Uwah... Ugh... Huh... Do wha...?

I woke up, from a rather nice dream. I just couldn't remember what it was about. I bloody hate that.

With no small amount of effort, I opened my eyes, pulling myself up into a sitting position. All around me, I could see was-

A blur of color.

As I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, something became apparent. My hands weren't MY hands.

I blinked. Then looked at the digits in question, turning them over. They were waaay too small to be mine. What the bloody fucking-?

...

I immediately looked around, and realised I was NOT in my bed, nor even in my own room.

Seeing this, I jumped out of the bed, dashing over to the closest window. It was dark outside, but there was just enough light for there to be a clear reflection.

What I saw... Dark eyes, dark hair, vaguely emo expression, hair like-

...Like a duck's ass. The face was boyish, young and handsome, with pale white skin that contrasted the ebony hair and irises.

I blinked, looking at... My, reflection. What the hell?

Now normally, I am tall, muscular, and rough looking with a buzzcut. I am also seventeen, not friggin' twelve! What the helling hell?

Then I noticed something. The face I saw... It was familiar. It looked like...

Like... (Quit stalling! There's no bloody dramatic effect from pauses in writing!)

Like Sasuke Uchiha. From Naruto...

The hell?

_'Either I'm dreaming... Or there's some seriously fucked up shit going on_.'

As I pinched myself in the side, I realised, no, I was not dreaming. Fucking lovely.

Well, what do I do... Stay here? Nah, too boring. Head out?

...Eh, why not. Might as well have fun. Before I set about looking around the room, I tried to remember how I got here.

...Nothing. I fell asleep, and BAM! Here I was. But there was osmething odd... I distinctly remember going to the academy yesterday, and meeting Kakashi.

The guy smelled like dog fur. Seriously, wierd.

I remember learning... To fight, to kill, to use chakra. I felt oddly strong, and yet... Those memories felt uncomfortable, as if they were not mine. (Which is right. They're Sasuke's... Now mine. Wierd, man)

I put all that aside, and decided to wing it for one day. I'd worry more about what I'll do after I see the world through these eyes.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After poking around the room, I found a drawer filled with clothes, and another loaded with weapons and gear. Equipment a ninja would use. (Steel wire, kunai, shuriken, caltrops, scrolls, exploding tags, soldier pills, mesh armor, rations bars, grappling hooks, climbing spikes, and a myraid of other items)

Figuring I'd go with my own style, I pulled a pair of cargo pants and the Uchiha's trademark short-sleeve high-collar shirt. Before that, of course, I put on the mesh underarmor. It was surprisingly heavy, but very comfortable. After swapping outfits, I threw on a pair of armored gloves, strapped on a pair of sandals, (I was so going to see about a decent pair of boots later on) I decided on equipment...

I strapped two pouches to the back of my belt, each filled with a variety of gear, one in particular I added several ration bars. (Earlier, when looking around, I couldn't find a picture of Team 7, which means that this must be early in the series)

I also found a note on the nightstand.

_Get up early. No breakfast. Training field 3._

This, kinda tipped me off. So I was on episode two? Or three?(Four, actually) Either way... It was the day of the bell test, huh?

Looking over at the clock, it was only five forty. I had time. I was about to leave the bedroom when I noticed something...

A blue object resting on the drawer next to the door. A hitai-ate; Leaf forehead protector.

Picking it up, I unfolded it, before making a bandana and tying it around my forehead, matting down and hiding the duckbutt hairstyle.

Now that I was looking, and feeling, a bit more like myself, I left the room and went searching for the kitchen.

It was a good sized apartment. I figured it must've been inside the Uchiha compound, judging from the clan symbols on every other wall.(Supposed to be a fan or a paper lantern. Looks more like a fucking fishing lure to me)

Once I found the kitchen, I went about looking for, finding, and fixing a cup of ramen. Once that was done and down my neck, I left, and found myself outside, in the village of Konoha.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I'll save you the boring and tedious time I had searching for the training fields, but it took me roughly twenty minutes.

After I arrived, walking along a forest path for a good ten minutes, I saw something strange. A boy in orange, sitting on the ground, leaning against a large wooden post. There was a girl in a red dress, with garish pink hair next to him.

Naruto and Sakura, respectively. Huh. Wonder what today will bring... And how I should fuck with it. Heheheh.

"Yo."

Turning to me, they both shouted, "You're late!" I smirked.

"And yet I'm still here before Kakashi. Fifty ryo says he isn't here until after ten." They both stared at me. Where was the 'Hn' response they were so used to?

"Uhh... I'll pass." Naruto was showing an out-of-character intellect. Huh. He knew I'd win. That, or he didn't have fifty ryo to waste.

With a chuckle, I said, "Smart. Either of you eat anything yet?" They both shook their heads.

"Sasuke-kun! Kakashi-sensei said not to eat breakfast." I raised an eyebrow.

"And do you know why he said that?" She blinked, but before she could respond, I kept going.

"That is to torture us for the test, and make us fight on empty stomaches. Believe it or not, it's better to eat and wind up puking than not eating anything and suffering even worse. Here," I reached into my pouch and pulled out two ration bars, tossing one to each of them. "You'll both be useless to the team if you don't have the strength to fight. Not to mention your growling stomaches will give away your positions."

Of course, they stared at me. "...What? Did I grow a second head I'm not aware of?" They continued to stare.

"Sasuke-kun, are you alright? You're acting strange." Sakura held onto the packaged energy bar, but didn't unwrap it. Naruto, on the other hand, had shrugged and chowed down, grimacing all the while.

"Ugh... It's like eating corkboard." I snorted a laugh at his expression.

"Yeah... They're expensive to make, so they cut costs by taking out the flavoring. And Sakura, I had something of an epiphany last night."

Sakura was about to speak, when Naruto gulped down the last bite of the nasty-tasting ration bar and interrupted her. "Ulgh-euhh. Epifa-wha...?"

"Epiphany. It means I realised I was a haughty emo asshat who had no friends, and that I wasn't living for myself, but for the ghost of a dead man. So I said fuck 'em and decided I didn't want to be like my bastard brother." This sounds... Well, plausible. Or at least it is believable, considering my happy-go-lucky personality.

They stared at me in shock. "But Sasuke-kun..." Again, Naruto interrupted her.

"No friends? Teme, you were the most popular kid in the academy!" He was outright shocked.

"Popular? Tch, I had fangirls who didn't know a damn thing about me. They didn't like me, they liked the image I had. The unapproachable emo Uchiha. Believe me, I'd rather have one girl I enjoy being with instead of a whole horde of brainless bimbos. None of those people were my friends." My frosty tone struck home,(As intended) as Sakura flinched at the 'Brainless Bimbo' comment. Naruto just looked... Well, less annoyed at me than he had a moment ago.

"Sakura, you better eat up. You look like you haven't eaten in days." She snapped out of her reverie, blinking away whatever thoughts she was entertaining.

"Oh! Yeah... Right. Thank you." She sounded slightly dejected. Eh. I don't much care for anorexic girls, thanks.

Naruto piped up. "Yeah, thanks Sasuke!"

After all that, I walked over and plopped down next to one of the wooden posts, leaning my back against it. We were going to be here for at least a couple hours.

Damnit, Jim.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, when I'm right, I'm right. We were there until around eleven thirty or so before Kakashi showed up. The lazy prick.

"Yo." Kakashi arrived, carrying a large alarm clock and two bentos.

Of course, as if we'd choreographed it beforehand, all three of us shot to our feet, dramatically pointing at the tall, cycloptic Jounin.

"YOU'RE LATE!" He leaned backward comically, as if he'd been buffeted by a strong wind.

"Yeah, sorry, I got lost on the-" I cut in, intent on being a bit flippant for him trying to trick young kids.

"On the road of life? Okay, I don't care if you're a jounin or a bloody kage, if I hear that excuse again, I'm burning your precious icha icha collection." The tall man blinked.

"Well, aren't you a bucket of sunshine?"

I blinked back, before snarking, "Yeah, and right now I'm in a _good_ mood. Just wait until I'm pissed off. What were you doing, anyway? Sleeping in? Boning Tsume Inuzuka? Or were you just standing in front of the memorial stone again?"

Kakashi blinked, hard. '_Just who is this kid... And is he fucking psychic?!_'

"...Have you been following me? Are you sure you're an Uchiha and not a Hyuuga?"

I shrugged at his offhand pun. "Hey, I'm arrogant, but I'm not THAT stuck up. Hinata excluded from that stereotype, of course. She's just stalker-ish.(Naruto didn't notice any of this) And no, I'm just very good at reading you." The Jounin blinked again, before getting back on topic.

"Moving on... Your test is to acquire these bells." He held them up, to show what they looked like. "To pass, you must get a bell within the hour. The one who doesn't, will get sent back to the academy. They will also be tied to one of those posts, and forced to watch while the rest of us eat lunch."

I considered telling him we just ate to see his reaction, since it would be hilarious, but since Naruto and Sakura objected, I didn't bother.

Not that THEY decided to mention chowing down just before he arrived, either.

After that little arguement, he continued. "Now, remember, you're a team from this moment onward. Are there any questions?" I raised my hand.

"Yeah... Why are you giving us such a contradictory test?" He blinked. Wait, what?

"What do you mean?" His voice was neutral, so I had no clue if he was surprised. Probably not. Eh.

"I mean, we pass or fail as a team. You said so yourself yesterday. And yet you're now telling us that one of us will be sent back? That in itself is meant to turn us against one another. Not to mention, you're giving us an impossible goal. Individually, there is no way any of us can get those bells. The entire point of this test is teamwork, yet you're acting as if this is pass or fail on an individual level. Is there a reason for the deception, or do you just enjoy messing with genin?"

He blinked. HARD. "...You figured all that out by yourself? Just now? Yes, there is a reason, to see if you could overcome your individual goals and put the team's needs ahead of your own. Thank you for ruining that. Good job." I used my patented smile-head-tilt.

I used my patented smile-head-tilt. "Just for you, Ero-sensei." He blinked again.

"And now you're calling me that? I thought that was Minato's thing... Regardless. Back to the task at hand. What he said is right, the goal of this exercise is teamwork, so work together if you want to pass. But you must come at me with the intent to kill. Understand?" We all nodded in unison, the other two still slightly in shock at the revelation of the test's true purpose.

"Good. Now... Begin!"

Of course, we scattered. I dashed to the right, moving in the same direction as Sakura, whereas Naruto... Blockhead decided to take Kakashi head-on. Still an idiot.

While he went at our sensei with taijutsu, I waited for my own chance... I knew Naruto would create a perfect opening.

When he got behind Naruto, ready to Kancho him half to death, I shouted,

"NARUTO! DROP AND BACK-KICK!"

Ooh, just as Kakashi was shouting the name of his super-awesome/gay technique, Naruto took my advice to heart, dropped to the ground, and kicked his leg out, catching Kakashi-

...Right in the balls. Ooo-hoo-hoo-hoo... Owch.

We all heard a nice, loud, sharp, Crick-crack! As Kakashi's eye bulged out, and he dropped to the ground, groaning. Being an enterprising individual, Naruto grabbed the bells off his belt and took off, headed in my direction.

I rushed out of my hiding spot, moving towards his position as Sakura did the same, all of us changing direction and heading for a single spot in the treeline. We'd hide and plan out a strategy before he recovered.

Or, we would, except he was a Jounin for a reason. Roughly eight seconds after getting both eggs cracked, he pushed himself back to his feet, growling as he ruefully massaged his aching balls. And struggled not to throw up. I myself was cackling like mad, wondering if he truly was all that, if Naruto could get the better of him right out of the academy.

Anywho, we were running a mad dash, through the trees, when Kakashi decended upon us like a demon, landing a solid kick to Naruto's back and sending him sprawling. The bells went flying, and I dived onto them, just in time for our enraged sensei to send me into a tree with a second kick.

"Guahh-!" Shit! I could... Barely follow his movements. Damn, he was fast. And motherfuck that hurt like a BITCH! Agh, ow. Feels like I just got sucker-punched by a freight train.

I had the bells, but-

He was fast approaching, ten feet, five, three-!

Falling back on instinct, I turned and rolled out of the way, tucking myself into a ball and just BARELY avoiding a fist that cracked the bark of the tree I had just been next to, as I pushed myself to my feet.

Taking off as fast as I could, I saw Naruto on his feet, moving a different direction, following Sakura. I followed, knowing full well that if I could hardly follow his movements with my eyes, there was no way in hell my body could match Kakashi's.

I had to count on avoiding... Or out maneuvering. With a smirk, I decided to use my smaller body stature to my favor.

We were inside the tree line, so...

Go low.

I ducked, throwing myself to my right, grabbing a tree root, pulling myself around, pushing off the tree itself to get myself going. I didn't bother looking back. After another five feet, I jumped, grabbing the nearest tree branch, and using my momentum to spin myself upward and around, getting behind the quick-moving Jounin.

As he was mid-stride, my feet collided with the small of his back, my body weight and momentum knocking him to the ground, face-first. Heheh. It pays to think like a monkey.

I didn't bother hesitating. The moment he hit the ground, I took off, using his head as a stepping-stone. Oh, he had to be pissed.

I know this, since he caught my ankle.

"Whoa-ah!" *Clunk! Thumpk!* Ow.

...

Shit.

With growing apprehension, I turned my head, glancing behind me. And what I caught sight of, would make Hannibal Lecter piss himself in sheer fright.

The killing intent rolled off of him in waves, actually bringing a chill up my spine. It was rather, ah, invigorating.

"...I take it you want these back?" I dangled the bells from a my fingers, almost taunting him.

As he reached for them I snatched them backward, clenching my hand around them.

"Ah-ah, sensei. You said our goal was to acquire them. We got them. We passed, according to your rules." I grinned, nice and big and mocking. Heheheheheheheheh.

"I never said the test was over, now did I? You have to hold onto them for the entire hour. Now hand them over, or things are going to get rough." I thought on that for a moment... He was allowed to cause non-permanent injuries to us, soooo-

That includes torture. Fuck. Hm. I gots an idea.

"Well, since you asked nicely..." I held out the bells, while he had my shirt bunched up in a fist, holding me still. When his other hand reached for them-

I remembered he had his legs spread. With a full view of prime target numbers one and two. I never let my eyes so much as glance there, lest I give away my intent, but...

When he grabbed the bells, I kicked my foot out, smartly clocking him in the balls, for the second time this morning. He already had the bells in his grip, but his hold on my shirt loosened, so I scrabbled out of his grasp, turned and ran like hell.

Oh, I was going to pay for that later, but it was funny as hell. If you let yourself get kicked there TWICE, you deserved it.

Dumbass.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I ran like the wind, ducking and dodging through the trees, before taking a hiding spot and waiting for a moment to catch my breath.

When I wasn't immediately grabbed, I looked around for my teammates

They were together, hiding and looking out for myself and Kakashi, hidden under a bush. I could see them because Naruto's orange ass stuck out like an erection at a convent.

With a little finnesse, I snuck through the underbrush, and got closer to them. When we all heard something moving, I stopped, and looked in the direction it came from.

Kakashi came out of the treeline a good ways off, walking bow-legged and cradling his smashed nuts. Oh, ho-ho, this was golden. I wish Anko was here... She'd get a kick out of that and probably poke fun at him. He let untrained genin kick him the balls not once, but twice. She'd laugh her pretty tits off at his ineptitute, probably whack him there a third time for good measure. Heheheh.

Anywho, I crawled through the bushes until I got to Naruto and Sakura.

"So what should we-" I interrupted, whispering.

"Oy. Sorry, but he got the bells back. And I found out we need to acquire them and have them when the alarm goes off. Cruel bastard." They stared.

"Shit. Well, you were right... We can't take him on conventionally. Any ideas?" I grinned.

"Of course, I always have a cunning plan. But be aware, now that he's been clocked in the crotch twice, he won't let us get him with that again. Aim for the face next time. Now, believe it or not, he's verrry homophobic, so what I suggest, is that we..."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheeeheheheeheeheee eeheheheheh. Oh, I was an evil sonofabitch. Thirty minutes later, and four minutes until the end of the test...

As Kakashi walked along the stream, he grumbled, nursing his sore testicles.

"Rrgh... What male justifies hitting his own teacher in the groin. Outta see how they like it. Or call Anko down here and let her do the honors..." As he groaned and moaned, he heard something familiar.

"YOSH! KAKASHI, MY ETERNAL RIVAL! THERE YOU ARE!" As Kakashi turned, he caught sight of Might Guy, his colleague and longtime friend. Of course, he was wearing his trademark green spandex tracksuit and Chuunin vest.

"Guy? Well... I could use a distraction. What brings you here?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow, wondering why Guy would show up during the genin test. He had his own students already from last year, so why would he be here now?

"I have found your weakness, Kakashi! Never again will I lose to you, my rival!" ...Once again, his friend didn't know the meaning of the word volume. He was also coming far too close to be comfortable.

But Kakashi found what he said interesting. "My weakness? Really? Well, what is it, then?"

His comrade shouted, "BOY'S LOVE!" And dashed forward, seizing the copy ninja in a bear hug, holding him in place, lifting his feet off the ground, much to the Copy Ninja's surprise.

"Guahh! Let go! Let me go! GET OFF OF ME! I DON'T LIKE MEN!"

...Conveniently, at the same exact time, Naruto popped out of a nearby bush that was behind his teacher, creeped over, and snatched the bells off of his belt the moment Guy grabbed him, before turning and dashing back into the treeline, his mission completed.

Back with Kakashi, quite suddenly, Might Guy released him, stepping backwards with his trademark grin.

"YOSH! HOW UNYOUTHFUL! Kakashi, I never would have pegged you for a bigot!"

Of course, the moment he was released, Kakashi dashed away from his psuedo-gay rival, hyperventilating.

"NEVER! EVER! Never do that again! Ever!"

After a few moments, he realised something. Guy was chuckling. No, cackling.

...Guy doesn't cackle. He has this loud guffaw that reverberates off of all nearby surfaces. No... This was not his comrade.

As Kakashi eyed him funny, Might Guy suddenly disappeared in a poof of smoke, only to be replaced by a smirking, cackling Sasuke Uchiha.

"Gotcha!"

Kakashi blinked. "What the f-" **BRINGABRINGABRINGABRINGA!**

...

**BRINGABRINGABRINGABRINGA!**

"Son of a bitch!" Kakashi cursed, realising he had been duped. By a genin, no less. As he stood there cussing, he saw Naruto and Sakura walking out of the treeline, both grinning like they'd just single-handedly won the Chuunin exams, each carrying a bell.

And even worse, Sasuke was cackling like a monkey, having the time of his life.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Kakashi groaned as he shut off the alarm, wondering if he could fail them for being annoying.

But then again... They did well. One in particular showed extreme intellect, insight, combat ability, and strategic planning. Not to mention, he was willing to bend the rules for the benefit of the team, as the Jounin had witnessed before the test had even begun. He has great potential, but his flippant attitude and problems with authority might cause problems.

The second showed great combat ability, but a slight lack of intellect. Still, he did well working with others.

The third he hadn't seen much from. From what he knew, she's very intelligent, but lovesick over Sasuke. Could cause issues with team dynamics.

As he went over these things in his mind, he considered what he should do.

"You all..." All three of his students looked at him, with hope in their eyes... He considered failing them just to see the looks on their faces, but he wasn't that cruel. He wasn't Ibiki, after all.

"Pass."

"Ha-ha! Yessah! Dattebayo!" Naruto jumped, pumping his fist.

"Shannaro!" She did the same fist pump, looking decidedly unlady-like.

"Heh, boo-yah. So what's our first order of business, teach? Are you gonna treat your new students to a meal? Y'know, to encourage us to bond with one another?" Sasuke leaned back against one of the posts, looking slightly smug, but not overconfident. It fit him, somehow... Like he was a man at the top of his game, and he knew it.

"...You're just trying to get a free meal, aren't you? Well, I suppose I must."

Naruto piped up. "Awesome! I know the perfect place!"

Sasuke looked at Kakashi. "I'll bet you a million ryo that it's a ramen stand."

The Jounin raised an eyebrow. "Sorry, but I'm not that gullible."

The Uchiha smirked. "And who is the one with smashed testicles here?"

...Oh, he was pissed. How do I know, you ask? Because I could feel a disturbance in the force, that's fucking how!


	2. Chapter 2 Oh, the Irony

**Naruto; **

**First Arc; Awakening**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things, I have snarky smartass comments, you want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 2 - Oh, the bitch came back, the very next day, oh, the bitch came back; Thought she was a gonner, but the bitch came back; She couldn't stay a-way, oh no...

ToaDM, FTW! (Theory of a DeadMan! I love that band) This is a remix of The Cat Came Back, a disturbing, creepy children's song, done by Fredd Penner.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After my extremely provocative taunt, we left the training field and made our way to Ichiraku's, at Naruto's behest. Kakashi was still smoldering at my comment, so I made sure to stay out of arm's reach, otherwise he just might do his best Homer impression, with moi involuntarily starring as Bart. (I don't own The Simpsons)

Well, while we sat and chowed down, making small talk, my pervert-senses started tingling...(It feels like someone tickling my happy-sack with an ice cube. You CAN NOT ignore it)

Trying to look nonchalant while my back shot ramrod straight and my whole body shuddered, I looked right, then left, and caught sight of what tripped my radar. There, in the the distance, was the visage of Team 8, with their red-eyed sensei trailing behind her students; one of which was very enthusiastic, whilest the other two were far more reserved. Hm.

Thinking quickly, I leaned backward, waving. "Oy, over here, guys!" Plastering my innocent-enthusiastic-grin to my face, I called them over, guessing that they themselves had just finished their own genin test. Well, judging by how the three genin looked a bit rough, covered in grass stains with leaves in their hair, I was fairly confident in my guess.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Kakashi was staring at me, as were my two teammates. I said nothing, just kept my grin in place. I was sitting next to Naruto, and there were only six seats. Mwahahahahahahahaaaa... There were two empty places to my left, Kakashi was directly to Naruto's right, whereas Sakura was on Kakashi's right, next to the right-side wall.

Kiba immediately started approaching, his face scrunched up in puzzlement. Kurenai likely went with it since she figured a ramen stand would be cheaper than an actual restaurant.

Anywho, when they got closer, and they saw exactly who had been waving, needless to say, Kiba was shocked. Hinata was blushing and staring at her feet, while Shino was unperturbed. I think Kurenai was curious as to my sudden heel-face turn, but she said nothing.

"Sasuke?! Is that you?" I grinned, using my... Sasuke's, good looks to my advantage.

"The one and only. You guys just finish the genin test?" This got enthusiastic/proud nods from all three, but Hinata went right back to staring holes in her sandals.

"Yeah! But what's with you? You seem... Different." He sniffed at me, which would've been weird if it was anyone else.

I just shrugged lightly at his comment. Kiba had come over, taking a seat next to me. Shino had followed suit, but Hinata hesitated. Time to set the hook. "Nah, I just pulled my head outta my ass." I made sure to then notice Hinata, standing there looking uncomfortable.

"Oh! Ah, sorry, Hinata. Have my seat, I can stand." I grabbed my half-empty bowl, standing up and stepping back, keeping my innocent-grin in place. Of course, Kurenai immediately noticed that it was far too innocent, and stared at me a little more intently.

"Oh, ah, y-you don't have to..."

I waved her off with the words, "Nah, g'head. I need to stretch my legs anyway. Kakashi-sensei didn't give us much of a workout." I swear to crap... I could FEEL the vein pop in his temple.

However, Kakashi noticed my intent, I think. Anyway, he stood up, pulling his mask back into place, stepping away from his seat, motioning to Kurenai to replace him.

"Kurenai, how'd your team do?" He distracted her, long enough for me to quietly move away, standing next to Sakura, who looked at me as I ate.

"Sasuke-kun, what are you doing?" She was quiet, of course. The Jounin heard, but didn't react, instead focusing on their own conversation.

I simply grinned. "Watch."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Hinata shakily came over, taking the seat I had vacated, her face a dark shade of pink.

"Hi, Hinata-chan. So you guys passed the genin test?" Naruto greeted her, his constant happy-go-lucky grin firmly in place.

Both of Hinata's teammates watched out of the corners of their eyes, wondering what would happen. I could tell, Kiba was preparing to crack up laughing.

"H-h-hello N-naruto-kun. Y-yes, we d-did." Her stutter was nearly as blatant as the blush on her face, but I knew the best was yet to come.

"That's good to hear! Congratulations, Hinata. I look forward to working with you!" Of course, his over-enthusiastic nature got the better of him. Or, well, It got the better of Hinata.

Her face resembled a tomato, before her eyes snapped shut, and she started to cascade backwards, about to collapse onto the ground. Of course, Naruto's good-sumeratin nature didn't let him sit back and watch. He dived over, catching her before she fell off her seat in a dead faint. Kiba busted out laughing the moment he saw she wasn't about to get hurt.

Shino didn't react. Wierd...O. Heheh.

So there Naruto was, over-balanced, barely holding onto Hinata while he was nearly falling off his own seat. It was fairly funny to see, really. Sakura giggled, as Kurenai looked practically homicidal. Kakashi merely watched with disinterest, wondering what would happen next.

"Uhh... A little help here? Please? I dunno how long I can stay like this!" I could see his rump starting to slide towards to edge of his seat, chuckling as I caught sight of the climax.

Hinata's eyes started to flutter, before finally opening, those lavender orbs slowly focusing on the blonde boy supporting her.

And when she finally realised she was nose-to-nose with Naruto and in his arms, of course, she fangirled out on him.

"EEEEEEEAH!" *Thumpk-Clunk-Whump!*

Kiba and myself both busted out laughing, as both blushing tweens landed in a heap on the ground, Teuchi himself laughing along with us, while Sakura and Ayame giggled at today's events.

Kakashi chuckled as he restrained Kurenai from coming over and murdering Naruto, who was currently on the ground, one of his feet caught on his stool with Hinata on top of him, her breasts smooshed against his face.

Oh, dear kami, this was glorious. Her face was two shades more red than a firetruck as she passed out on top of Naruto. He was comically floundering about, flailing his arms around trying to get Hinata off of him.

"MMM! Mmnph! Mm-Mmph! Mmn-Mmph! Mnummphm!" (Translation; Guah! Help! Can't breath! Help me! I'm suffocating...!)

Kiba fell out of his chair, laughing his ass off, and Shino actually chuckled.(He actually CHUCKLED!) After ten seconds of this, Naruto's flailing slowed down, and I figured it was about time to save him before he actualy died via mammary suffocation.

I gripped the passed-out Hyuuga clan heir's shoulders and lifted her off of Naruto, as he heaved in fresh air.

"Huuuuh! Gah! What the hell! I was nearly suffocated by- By... Uhh..." And that was when he realised just what was cutting off his airflow. I nearly dropped Hinata, I was laughing so hard.

His face turned tomato-red, and a trail of blood leaked out of his nose, before his eyes rolled back and he collapsed, joining Hinata in dreamland.

"Bwahahahahahahaaaa! They're made for each other! Ahahahahahahahahaaaa!" Kiba panted, laughing his ass off as Akamaru seemed to join him, barking something that sounded suspiciously similar to a snicker.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Kurenai finally stomped over, as Kakashi was too busy laughing to stop her, and she picked up Hinata, about to start stomping on Naruto when I stepped in her way, wiping the tears from my eyes.

"Aww, leave 'im alone! Ain't his fault he's irresistable to shy stalker girls!"

Oooh, Kurenai practically growled, but Kakashi stepped in, wiping a tear from his eye. "I'll deal with him, Kurenai. You might want to get her looked at."(Frankly, I was amazed that he could keep an even tone) Of course, Kurenai stomped off while her other two students followed, their meals mostly forgotten. (Shino finished his, but Kiba only got a few bites. Kurenai hardly touched her own. And of course, Hinata didn't even get to order her own food)

...The moment those four were out of earshot, Kakashi, Sakura and I all busted out laughing again.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

It took a few moments, but we all eventually calmed down enough to check and make sure that Naruto was still breathing. He was. So I whipped out a sharpie and moved his headband, before drawing a penis on his forehead. He'd find it eventually.

Five minutes later, he woke up, looking groggy.

"Huh... Wha...?" He looked around, then up at us.

"Heya, Naruto. Looks like you're finally awake. By the way, Kurenai cut off your... You know. Said she'd give it back after you married Hinata." I kept my face completely, utterly, and believably serious. I could tell Kakashi was trying not to smirk, but Sakura looked away, knowing her face would give away my prank.

Naruto's face turned into a mask of pure horror, as he slowly looked down, and saw the massive red stain on the groin of his trousers.

**"AHHHHHHHHH!" **Okay, going deaf was totally worth it to see the look on his face. What it was not worth, was seeing him immediately shove a hand down his pants, frantically groping for his genitals.

Well, when he found it, he sighed a breath of relief before glaring at me.

I was cracking up, laughing my ass off as he fondled himself in public.

Yeah. Pretty funny. Kakashi chuckled along with me, and Sakura giggled as she shouted at him to stop playing with himself.

After he removed his hand from his trousers and stood up grumbling, I said, "Aw, don't take it personally. You got a nosebleed and that's where it landed. I just used it for a laugh. By the way, Hinata's got a major crush on you, mate."

He did a double-take, before grabbing his neck as if he had whiplash.

"Whoa, ow! Wait, what?! She has a crush on me? Yeah, right!" He scoffed, myself and Sakura staring at him as if he was an idiot. I wonder why. (Duh)

"...Yeah, she does." Sakura nodded, staring at him. Maybe this was her chance to finally get him to stop asking her out.

"No way! She'd have said something if she did." Kakashi stayed out of our conversation, happily reading his smut.

I raised an eyebrow. "Dude, she is in love with you. She follows you around in her off time, stalking you. She's insanely shy, and that's why she faints around you. She blushes just from being within ten feet of you, man!"

He rolled his eyes. "Nice try. She's probably just got a fever or something." Oh, I considering gibbslapping the blockhead, as he deserved it. Then again, considering I just told him Kurenai chopped his dick off, I suppose he has a right to be doubtful of me.

Squick.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Heheheh. Anywho, Kakashi dismissed us, saying he wanted us to report to the same training field tomorrow at eight o'clock sharp, for our first day of missions.

"Sensei, if you're late, I swear to kami and Jashin I'll burn every one of those books. Then I'll hunt down Jiraiya and make him stop writing them." Kakashi blinked, staring at me.

"...And just how in the hell would you do that?"

I grinned my most wicked, macabre grin. The kind that would creep out Ibiki. I swear, the Jounin shuddered.

"There is only one thing he fears more than responsibility... Tsunade. And I know how to enrage her to the point of strangling the sannin with his own intestines." My entire team stared at me, thoroughly creeped out. The worst part? That is entirely PLAUSIBLE.

I morphed my evil stepford smirk back into my happy-go-lucky grin, tilting my head in a _You can trust me_ kinda way. "So don't be late, sensei, otherwise the Kyuubi attack will only be the _second-worst _thing you bear witness to."

Ohh, all three of them were creeped the fuck out. So, instead of sticking around, I turned and left, walking away while they were still in shock/awe.

It makes for one hell of an impression, to say the least.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

So as I stalked off, whistling a cheery tune, I wondered what I should do.

Plans, plans, plans.

Plots, schemes, cons... Hmm.

Well, I still need to get used to this body, so there's that. I should also try to get a head start on chakra control, since scarecrow will be teaching that way too late for it to be of any use in the Chuunin exams.

Hm. Think I'll go back to the training field and start on treewalking, practice my own hand-to-hand and see if this kid's physique is up to par for it. After that... Maybe I'll practice some of the jutsu Sasuke learned before I wound up in his place. Speaking of which, I wonder where he is... In my own body?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**At this point in time... A different place, a different life, a different destiny... In a galaxy far, far away...**

Sasuke sneezed, still unused to this body. It was too big, too clumsy, and nowhere near as flexible as he used to be. He felt so strong, yet so weak... He couldn't even call upon his chakra.

But at this very moment, he didn't care. He wouldn't even want to kill his brother if he were in the same room. Because at this very moment, he was getting a blowjob.

. . .

Ohhhhh, yeah. There is no man alive who, while getting oral for the very first time, can think of anything other than the sensation engulfing his penis.

He didn't even know the girl's name. He just woke up, feeling like he was on Cloud Nine. When he looked towards the source of the ecstacy he was in, he was shocked to find a beautiful woman he'd never before seen, sucking his penis. He didn't even recognize himself; his entire body felt like one huge callous, covered in scars.

Not that something that miniscule meant anything to him, nor the girl who was so dilligently swirling her tongue...

Oooohhh...

The girl was naked and had very tan skin, large, buxom breasts, and short jet-black hair. Her body was toned; she obviously worked out, and kept herself in shape. Perhaps she was a ninja? She released his member with a *Pop!* and started stroking the shaft, licking her lips.

"Yeah, baby? You like that? Say my name... Scream it." Shit. If there was something Sasuke knew about women, they were verrrrry peculiar about remembering their names. He had to tread carefully with this... He didn't have but a moment to answer, so he went with something he knew would work.

"Eheh. Babe... I can't even remember my own name right now." She stopped jerking him, her eyes widening slightly, blush darkening. Uh-oh. He fucked up. She was gonna bite his dick off, he knew it. Now he was screwed...

"...Baby, I am going to fuck you _SO _hard... I'm gonna make you scream." '_He's soooo cuuuuuute!_' She thought, her fires lit.

*Beat* (Wait for it)

Really screwed.

_'If this is a dream... I don't wanna wake up...'_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Back to our originally schedualed program.**

Well, in the midst of my internal monologue, I hadn't been paying much attention to where I was going, and walked flat out into something. Two somethings. Two very soft, perky, yet _firm_ somethings. In the process, I knocked whoever those somethings belonged to, or were attatched to, onto the ground. I blinked, registering what had just happened. And registering the feeling of a pair of breasts being pressed against me, even if only briefly.

I looked down to the girl on the ground, who was looking up at me with an annoyed expression.

"Ah, sorry! You a'ight?" I offered my hand, taking in the girl's appearance.

Tall for her age, close to my own. Maybe a year older. Dark brunette hair, slight scent of jasmine perfume, light pinkish top, very chinese in design. Topped off with milk chocolate eyes and two buns on top of her head. Tenten, I do believe.

She glared up at me. "Hey! Watch where you're going!" Instead of taking my offered aid, she stood on her own, and I found that she was a bit taller than me. Kindof off-putting, that, considering her glare.

"My apologies, miss Tenten. Had my head in the clouds." I kept my friendly smile in place, wondering how long she would hold me up with her ranting/complaining.

She blinked, her expression going from irate to confused.

"Huh... Sasuke? Wait. How do you know my name?" Hm. I have three responses to this;

_We've met before, don't you remember?_

_Heh, I make it a point to know ALL the beautiful girls' names._

_My sharingan can read minds._

Option that is least likely to get my ass kicked?

I raised an eyebrow, smiling. "Some say that the sharingan can read minds. I don't discourage them."

She folded her arms, looking decidedly unimpressed. "Uh-huh. So what am I thinking? Or better yet, what's my surname?" I blinked.

"...I never said it was perfect. Now if you'll excuse me, I've tasks to complete. Good day." With a quick side-step, I got around her, moving in the direction of the training field.

Of course, she's the stubborn type, and followed me. Great... Now I've got a tsundere fangirl who's in denial. That's just bloody lovely.

"And just what tasks is the great, all-powerful Uchiha taking on?" Snarkass.

"Training. Now why are you following me? I just ditched a dozen rabid fangirls not half an hour ago, and I don't need another one."

She scoffed, saying, "Training? Since when does the genius Uchiha need to train to get stronger? And who says I'm following you? I just happen to be going the same way." I was about to give up and ignore her, but I had one last shot.

"You didn't deny the fangirl bit. And the last thing I need is another tsundere fangirl, so in advance, no, I'm not looking for a date, a mate, a fuck or a suck. Go away." I could practically feel her glaring at me, eyes narrowed and dangerous.

"Well, aren't you sexist?" I rolled my eyes, even though she couldn't see it. Force of habit.

"I've nothing against anyone for being male or female. I just can't stand bimbos that lust after me for the image they have in their heads without even bothering to learn who I am. Or anyone who makes assumptions about others based on appearances. Take yourself, for example. You're a weapons specialist, so you must have a huge collection of toys. Or Naruto; he wears orange, so he must be a loud, blockheaded idiot. Or moi; I have dark hair and eyes, so I must be emo." I maintained my pace, moving quickly. Hopefully she'd piss off and leave me be.

"Naruto IS a loud, blockheaded idiot, so that proves nothing. I've never seen you smile until today. That counts as being 'emo.' And whattaya mean by toys?"

I smirked, my own crude sense of humor shining through. Time for the killer blow.

"Sex toys. Y'know, dildos, vibrators, anal beads..." Oh, damn. I could FEEL the blush and scowl she was now sporting, line of sight or no.

"I-I have no such things!" I snickered.

"And yet you know what they are. And when did I mention plural? That stuff's just the basics. After that, there's whips, chains, candles, ropes and such. I'm sure you're _very_ familiar with those." I had to hold my mirth in check, as her spluttering was fairly funny. She even stopped walking, red in the face. Score!

Heheheh.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After I finally gave her the slip, I made my way to the training field I'd been in earlier, already planning out my routine. I needed to work on chakra control, so I'd start with treewalking. I tried my damndest to think back to the training segment in the anime, about how to manipulate chakra.

Hmm... It's like, having an extra muscle, one inside of your brain. You simply focus your mind, and then direct it throughout your body. By concentrating it in my chest and using the handseals for a fireball jutsu, I breathe in, then blow that air outward once it feels like it's gotten hot enough. The problem is that greater amounts of chakra require more concentration, though not as much as making the chakra finer, or more dense.

In other words, it is a simple matter of practice. And that, I can handle.

I set in, cracking my neck and knuckles, staring down my first victim; a massive oak tree. With the utmost care, I concentrated that untrained part of my mind, focusing on the soles of my feet.

I could feel it; energy... Power flowing through my body. It felt amazing, invigorating, empowering, even. As if I could tear that tree from the ground itself.

After a quick double-check, I started walking towards it, placing my foot flat on its trunk, and walking straight up. (I was walking because it took greater control, and forced me to use my strength, instead of momentum)

I got three steps, before the bark cracked beneath my feet, and I kicked off, shifting my weight to backflip through the air, landing on my feet-

*Whump!*

And unceremoniously collapsing on my ass. I still wasn't used to the balance of this body. My own was slightly top-heavy, due to rigorous training and weight-lifting. This one was too light, and lacked the poise I was used to.

Standing back up, I dusted myself off, and started again.

This time, I took five steps before I slipped, nearly landing on my head.

Thiiiis might take awhile...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, two painful hours later, and I had it down. I could walk the entire way up the tree, with only slight cracking of the bark. It would do... But it wasn't as good as I'd like.

After kicking off the tree I landed in a handstand, before flipping myself backward a few times and back onto my feet. I was still damned good as an acrobat. In fact, this lighter body made parkour much easier.

I stretched out my sore muscles, and thought on my next exercise.

I still need to work on chakra control, so I need a way to do that while multitasking. Hm.

. . .

Well, I do have an idea. Might be nothing, but it's better than twiddling my thumbs.

I took a seat on the grass, relaxed my body, and focused my mind.

With some effort, I concentrated my chakra, building as much as I could, until it hurt. When this happens, the area where the chakra has gathered stings something awful, like carpal tunnel, or a pinched nerve, almost.

Anywho, instead of releasing it, I tried to get it to move. To flow like water, using my chakra network as it's canal, cycling it throughout my entire body. It was difficult... At first. Once it started moving, it was easy to keep it in motion.

It felt strange, but wonderful. As though I was in tune with myself and my surroundings... If you wanna be poetic about it, that is. It felt slightly uncomfortable for a moment, until I tried to adjust how fast it flowed, and kept it in time with my heartbeat.

That was when it felt, right. Natural. As if it was something that had been missing, and I had just now reacquired it.

Pretty fuckin' wierd, but awesome.

So here I sat, legs crossed, hands in my lap with eyes closed, meditating. It took a few moments, but I noticed something.

There was someone else here, watching me, I could just feel it. I inhaled deeply, hoping to catch the slightest whiff of a scent...

And I did. Perfume. Light, but it was there. And it was jasmine scented.

"Yes, Tenten?" I spoke loud enough to be heard, but didn't move.

I was rewarded a second later, when I heard a muffled curse and leaves ruffling, followed by footsteps.

"How'd you know I was there?"

"I was aware of your presence the moment you came within fifty feet. Stay downwind of others if you don't want to get caught. Better yet, don't wear jasmine-scented perfume when you're in an area that isn't indigenous to them." -Basics of concealing your presence.

"The hell...? Are you an Inuzuka?!"

I respodned with a snort, "No, there just isn't any jasmine growing around here. Kinda tipped me off. Plus Sakura is the only other girl who would follow me, and she wears perfume that smells like cherry blossoms. I still wonder if she wears the stuff because she likes it, or for her name."

Tenten sighed, walking closer. When she didn't go away or say something, I asked; "Is there something you want, or are you just bored?"

"It was this or listen to Lee and Guy shouting back and forth."

Okie-day, point taken. "Fair enough. Care to join me, then?"

"Uh, okay. Just what are you doing, anyway? Meditating?"

I smiled. "Something like that. I'm practicing a new chakra control exercise. Cop a squap and I'll explain." I expected her to say no and leave, but she came over, sitting next to me. Hm.

"Build up as much chakra as you can, to the point of pain, but don't release it. Maintain and try to shift it. First in your hand, and get it to flow to your other arm, and from there to your legs, one at a time. It's easy to keep it moving, just don't let it stop, 'cuz it's a pain in the ass to get it moving again." I looked at her from out of the corner of my eye.

This girl is rather cute. She didn't say a word, but had a look of concentration on her face for a few moments. A bead of sweat formed on her cheek, but a few moments later, she relaxed, breathing again.

"Huh. Feels... Strange." I shrugged, the first movement since I'd sat down.

"Get the flow in time with your heartbeat and it feels perfectly natural."

At my words, she turned to look at me. "Who told you about this, anyway?"

I shook my head. "No one, I came up with it an hour ago. I'd prefer if you didn't tell Neji about it, though; not yet, anyway. Guy's head is big enough as is." She gave me a puzzled look.

"I can understand not wanting to share training methods, but why Neji? Granted, he's a bit stuck up, but..."

My expression soured. "Not just stuck up, he's got a bloody telephone pole up his ass. Until the day he pulls his head out of his colon, I'm not helping him. Not gonna give him another reason to think he's better than others. Condescending prick..."

She blinked, hard, staring at me. "You're one to talk. Have you even MET him?"

"Once. Other than that, I've seen and heard all I need to. I'd say it'll be around eight months until he figures out that the 'destiny' he keeps preaching about is a load of horseshit. _There is no fate but what we make." _(True enough. Terminator 2, Sarah Conner)

She blinked again, before responding, "And how do you know that?"

"I realised it when I thought on my reason for living. I was going to kill Itachi, and restore my clan. I had nothing else to live for. I thought long and hard on that... And realised I hadn't smiled in half a decade. That I hadn't been happy once in all that time. It took some soul searching, but I figured out that killing my brother wouldn't make me happy, and that even if I resurrected the Uchiha, I still wouldn't be happy. I would only be doing what others expected of me." I paused for breath, which she took as an opportunity to make an observation.

"You found that you were just a tool in the machinations of others... " I smiled, nodding.

"Yes, that, and I was sick of being called the emo duckbutt. I was living for the sake of a man I hated. I realised I didn't really want that. I wanted to live for myself, not following the trail left for me by others. So I broke free of my fate, and vowed to live for myself, and for those precious to me. It's rather freeing, really, when you cast off those those forced obligations."

She smiled. "You want to enjoy your life. You had an existential epiphany, eh? My dad once told me... Live for today, but look forward to tomorrow. Heh. Your moment of clarity makes mine look like figuring out I shouldn't stab myself in the foot."

I raised an eyebrow. "So what was it? Or would you rather not tell?"

With a shake of her head, she replied, "No, I should. Only fair if I do. I figured that Neji has, something keeping him from having the realisation you did. That he's living for someone else, and not himself." I raised an eyebrow.

Again.

"So you like him. You asked him out and he blew you off, I assume?" She gave a slight nod, looking sheepish.

"Yeah. It took me until today to realise he wouldn't be interested. Not until he, as you so eloquently put it, pulls his head out of his ass."

I chuckled, thinking back on the segment where Naruto trounces Neji in the Chuunin exams.

"What's so funny?"

I glanced at her, an enigmatic smirk upon my lips. "Wanna know the future?" She blinked, but I continued before she responded. "Neji is going to learn the hard way that hard work trumps natural talent every time. And the one who will teach him, is the orange-clad blockhead we all know and love. I'll bet anything on that."

She raised an eyebrow, grinning. "Yeah, right! Care to put your money where your mouth is?" I gave her a tranquil smile.

"Of course. How much are you thinking?" I saw dollar signs in her eyes, before she said,

"Fifty thousand ryo." Now, to us genin, this is a lotta coin. A D-rank mission is 5 thousand ryo, whereas a B-rank is roughly fifty thousand. A-ranks are 100 thousand and up, whereas S-rank missions are several hundred thousand ryo each, or several million. But when I consider the fact that I'm the heir to the entire Uchiha fortune...

Yeah, fifty grand is a drop in the bucket.

"Done. But if I win, I'd like a date with you." She blanched, before shouting,

"Wait, what?!"

I blinked. "You heard me. If Naruto teaches Neji the error of his ways, I'll take you out on a date. If Neji remains the same stuck-up snobby self after... Say, the Chuunin exams, then I'll write you a check for fifty grand. Deal?" I held out my hand, smiling.

It didn't take long for her to reach out and take it, thinking, '_There's no way in hell that dork would ever get through to her teammate. And a free fifty thousand ryo to boot? This is too easy. And even if I lose, it's just some silly date with Sasuke. And he isn't bad looking, either...'_

"Deal. Y'know... You're nothing like I remember. In the academy you were always stoic and cold to everyone."

I shrugged. "I got a rather harsh wake-up call. The thing that set off my little existential crisis was... Well, shocking, to say the least. I can't explain it to you, but the long and the short of it is that politics suck, and history is written by the victor. Our entire childhood has been filled with lies that serve those in power. And the ones who suffered for it are still paying the price."

"Well, that sounds enigmatic." She sniped, her expression glomping.

"As I said, I can't explain it to you. I will announce the truth to the entire village one day, but I lack the influence and favor to do so. Perhaps when Naruto becomes Hokage." I deadpanned, waiting for her reaction.

She busted out laughing. "Yeah, right! That'll be the same day I marry YOU!"

I stopped. I sat there for a second, before busting out laughing, tears streaming down my face. Oh, the irony! My spleen!

"...What's so funny?" As I wiped the tears from my eyes and stopped rolling around, I sat up, still chuckling.

"Oh, what you said is so ironic It's killing me."

Tenten simply sat there, puzzled, staring at the cackling Uchiha. Neither of them said a word, sitting in amicable silence.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"**Boosting: that awkward moment when you find two dudes hiding away in secret, doing sneaky, frowned-upon things that involve insertion."- **Forgotten0285. I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist. I played a lot of CoD in my time, and this just made my day.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Religion is the single most destructive creation of the human race. -**Money, Women, Religion. The three principle causes of WAR. (Women, Avarice, Religion)

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail."_

— **Abraham Maslow**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

A married man and his mistress are about to have sex. The woman sternly instructs her lover to put on his condom because she doesn't want to get pregnant. Just as they're about to begin, the woman's cell phone rings.

It's her best friend: her lover's wife. The wife tells her friend that she really needs to talk about a personal problem. The friend tells the wife that she's _busy at the moment_ and asks her to call back later.

The man and the mistress have sex and after they're done and the man leaves her apartment, the mistress calls the wife up and asks her what she wanted to talk about. The wife tells the mistress that she's upset because her husband is cheating on her. She knows this because she found the condom in her husband's pocket and she knows he never uses them with her because she's on the pill. Then the wife tells her best friend, **"But I got my revenge on my husband's whore, I poked a hole in the condom!"**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_


	3. Chapter 3 WHO are you?

**Naruto; **

**First Arc; Awakening**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 3 - Harsh reality

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After another hour or so of practicing my new exercise, I got up, stretching my stiff muscles. I offered my hand to Tenten, which she accepted this time. We said our goodbyes and went our seperate ways. I left the training field, wondering what I should do for the rest of the evening.

Hm. Well, I had nothing planned and I've finished all the training I needed for the day, so that leaves-

...Quality time with my new teammates. Fucking lovely.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Welp, I know where to find Naruto around this time of day. Either in his apartment or at Ichiraku's. And since we just ate there a few hours ago, his apartment complex is the most likely place of his current occupation.

Shouldn't be too hard to find. I just gotta find the place decked out in orange that reeks of ramen.

Heheh. I already had a good idea of where it was...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Didn't take long. I followed my nose.(Directions from Ayame, actually) It was a short walk away, so I moved towards the apartment complex with hands in pockets, whistling a cheeky tune all the while.

Ten minutes later, I was standing in front of an apartment door, raising my hand. I knocked twice, and waited a beat.

***Fwum-Puhltschcka!***

I heard a crash from inside, followed by muttered curses and the sound of something heavy being dragged across the floor. Oooo-kay.

The door opened a crack, and Naruto poked his head out, staring at me.

"Yo." He continued to stare at me.

"Sasuke? What're you doing here?" I raised an eyebrow.

"I figured you'd be bored sitting around by yourself, so I came over to bug ya."

The look on his face was priceless. "...Okay."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

He invited me in, and I found a slightly messy, but serviceable, apartment interior. Oddly enough, it wasn't decked out entirely in orange, but I could smell ramen coming from what I assumed to be the kitchen area.

"You live here on your own, Naruto?"

"Yeah, Iruka and the old man come check on me every now and again. It's alright... You live by yourself, too, don't you?"

I nodded. "Uh-huh, but it gets lonely having no one around after awhile. The Uchiha compound feels like a ghost town these days."

He smiled sadly. "Yeah... I know what you mean."

We were both quiet for a few moments, reflecting on our shared solitude.

"Hey. You've still got a crush on Sakura, don'tcha?"

"Eh?! W-why d'you ask?" I smirked.

And judging from his reaction, "I'll take that as a yes. I don't know what you see in her, man; I still say you should ask Hinata out."

"Why do you keep telling me that? Why don't YOU ask her out?" I shrugged.

"I would. Hell, she's even my type. Cute, dark hair, ivory skin, _very _well-endowed... But she's got the hots for you, mate. Cockblocking's not cool. Besides, you deserve to find a cute girl that won't beat you half to death for complimenting her." I joked, but I was entirely serious. She was my type... But eh, I've seen the looks the villagers gave Naruto. It'd just make my day to see the looks on their faces if they saw him and the Hyuuga princess walking down the street, hand in hand. Or kissing, heheh.

"...There's no way," he replied, rather dourly.

I raised an eyebrow. "Why not? What's there not to like? ...Aside from your face, that is. No offense, but that's the face only a mother could love... Kidding, kidding!" He started scowling at me, until I burst out chuckling.

When the blonde didn't say anything, I kept up. "C'mon, man, what'sa matter? If I was trying to punk you, I'd set you up with Ino. Or an Inuzuka. Heh, or Tenten. Heheh, that'd turn out real well; you'd look like a pincushion. A screaming, orange pincushion."

"...You." I blinked.

"Me? Whoa, whoa, whoa, no offense, but I ah, I don't do the two-dudes thing. No thanks."

He rolled his eyes. "That's not what I meant. You've changed overnight; why are you trying to be my friend, anyway? Before today you acted like you were better than everyone." Huh. He's a helluva lot smarter than he lets on, methinks.

"Eh. I realised I was a jerkass with no real friends. And I chose you, because you looked like you needed a friend. Someone to pick you up and dust you off when you fall, and someone I can rely on to get my back in a scrap. I've seen the way you're treated, and frankly, it pisses me off. Ignorant people with a grudge who are taking it out on the wrong person, but don't have the balls to face their own demons."

Naruto flinched at the word 'demon' But didn't respond for a moment. "...They try."

I raised an eyebrow. "They try? What, don't tell me you actually believed Mizuki." Time to set da hook.

His head shot up as he stared at me, jaw dropping. "H-how do you know that?!"

"Not important. What is important, is that you need to get your head on straight. You're not a demon, you're not the Kyuubi. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise, 'cuz they're full'a shit."

He balked. "But- What he said... It- It's why everyone calls me a demon. It's why... My parents..." Just as he started to sulk/sob,

I reached over and calmly, friendly, and ever-so-gently gibsmacked the stupid out of him.

"Ow! What was that for?!" He rubbed his sore spot. The one I'd clocked, it just so happened.

"For being a blockheaded, gullible idiot. If you were the Kyuubi, you'd have gone on a rampage and destroyed the village by now for the way they treat you. Now, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but. If you really want to know what your parents were like, go and ask the Hokage. Before his answer, tell him you want to know about Minato and Kushina."

He blinked, staring at me. "Minato and, Kushina?" I nodded.

"When he looks surprised, point at the picture of the Fourth Hokage on the wall. THAT will get you the answers you want. And when he asks how you figured this out, tell him you... Err, well, make something up. Just don't mention me, okay? I don't feel like spending the evening with Ibiki." Not that he understood my reference to the big guy, hardly any of the Genin know who he is.

He still looked suspicious. Suspicious... Man, whatta word. Suspicious.(This, is a video game reference) "Why are you telling me this?"

I shrugged, adopting a 'who gives a flying fuck' expression. "Because you deserve to know the truth. I can't tell you _how_ I know, but I can tell you some of what I know. But be warned; once you hear something, you cannot unhear it. You've still got time to see the old man if you want. I'll g'head and get out of your hair." I patted his shoulder reassuringly, turned, and walked out. I'd give him time to think and decide.

That went better than expected. Huh. Ah, well.

I made my way back to the Uchiha compound, back to the house I remembered waking up in. Finding it, I walked inside, yawning. I wasn't sure why, but I was tired. Exhausted. Must be this body... It isn't as used to exertion as I am. Well, this is gonna be a pain in the arse. Hell, I'm still sore from treewalking. I am not looking forward to fighting without armor.

Speaking of which, hm. That's going to be the next thing I change. I'll go have a look around some of the shops after tomrrow's chores- I mean, missions. Ugh. If I have to chase after that damned cat, I am going to murder Kakashi.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**With Naruto**

After Sasuke left, Naruto sat at his kitchen table, thinking.

"...I'll do it." He stood up, turning and walking outside, heading for the Hokage Tower. He had some questions for the old man.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

He made it to the tower in record time, went up the stairs, and knocked on the door to the Hokage's office.

"Enter."

Walking inside, Naruto saw old Sarutobi filing paperwork.

"Naruto, my boy! How are you?"

"I'm alright, Jii-san." The old man always brought a smile to Naruto's face. Even in his seventies, he still works hard for the village, caring for each and every one of its people.

"What can I do for you, Naruto?" He smiled a grandfatherly smile. He thought of Naruto as one of his own grandchildren, as much so as Konohamaru.

"I wanted to ask you about my parents, Minato and Kushina." Sarutobi's entire face twitched. But he forced his expression to remain grandfatherly, despite his surprise.

"Now where did you hear those names, Naruto?" His tone was even, and calm, despite the sheer shock of what he'd just heard.

Instead of answering, Naruto pointed at the picture on the wall. The one on the far right; of a young, handsome man with bright blonde hair. Hiruzen paled, as he realised that Naruto had learned the truth.

"...Naruto, who told you about this?"

"He asked me not to tell you his name. Jii-san, will you tell me the truth now? Please?"

The old man sighed, wondering just who could have told him... Kakashi? No, he didn't even know that Minato had a child. Tsunade? Definately not. Jiraiya? Hell, no. They both knew that those two had a child, but they didn't know who Naruto was.

"Very well, Naruto. I suppose you're old enough to know the truth now... But I need you to tell me who told you. It's important for both your safety and theirs."

Naruto shifted uncomfortably. He didn't want to lie to the old man, but he also didn't want to break Sasuke's trust.

"...Can you promise me you won't punish him for it?" Hiruzen nodded, figuring he would deal with the shinobi in question appropriately, depending on the circumstances.

"Sasuke."

The Hokage blinked. "Sasuke? Sasuke Uchiha?" Naruto nodded.

Hiruzen blinked again. Just how in the hell did that brat figure out who Naruto's parents were? Ah, well. He would deal with that in the morning. For now, though...

"Naruto, what you've been told is true. Your mother was Kushina Uzumaki, and your father was the Fourth Hokage, Minato Namikaze."

Naruto's jaw dropped. "My dad was- The Yondaime?" As his befuddled mind processed this, he thought long and hard. He realised his last name was that of his mother, not his father.

"But... Why? Why did no one tell me who he was?" The Hokage sighed.

"Your father was a war hero. During the last Shinobi World War, he became infamous for slaughtering entire battalions of Iwa ninjas. They would do anything to spite his memory, and if they knew he had a son..." He splayed his hands, to emphasize helplessness.

"But he- He sealed the fox. Why... W-why did he...?" Naruto could feel his eyes tearing up, as he realised what Mizuki had said wasn't entirely false. The Fourth Hokage, his own father, had sealed the Kyuubi into his own son, making him into a martyr for his own village.

One that was hated by all the people he'd unwillingly saved.(Ingrateful bastards)

"Your father, was the most honorable man I ever knew. He would not ask someone to sacrifice their child, if he was unwilling to give up his own. Naruto, your father's last wish was that you be seen as a hero, for containing the Kyuubi... And I have failed him in that respect." For a moment, he didn't look like the Hokage; he looked like a sad, tired old man, who's seen far too much in his time. But it vanished, just as quickly as it had come.

As Naruto sobbed silently for a short time, the old man stood up and walked over to one of the shelves, retrieving a large, thick book. When he returned to his seat, he asked, "Naruto, it won't mean much, but... Would you like to look at your family album?"

His tear-stained face immediately shot upward, looking at what Hiruzen had pulled from the shelf.

"*Sniff* Yeah... I'd like that."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Back with Sasuke**

After a good dinner and some light stretching, I finally went to bed. As I lay there quietly, reflecting on what today's events have brought me, I couldn't help but wonder what was in store for me. A new life, one filled with excitement, thrills, intrigue, and ninjas. I mean, really, what's better than ninjas? And I'm one of them! Sweet!

And yet, I thought on what I had lost. A life, some good friends, many, many casual lovers, and my own vengeance. But then again, I wasn't very likely to kill-

Him...

Wait.

WHO was I trying to kill...? I...

Can't remember. Wait.

WaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitWaitWAIT**WAIT!**

StopstopStopSTOP**STOP.**

Go back. Rewind. Replay.

*Click*

Who am I?

...Who am I?

Who. Am. I?

. . . . .

...Sasuke Uchiha.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Do YOU know which video game I was referencing? Here's your hint; it's a prequel, and is on the Xbox 360.**_


	4. Chapter 4 Bad Morning

**Naruto; **

**First Arc; Awakening**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 4 - The wierdness continues

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Oh, shit. Fuck. FuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK!

Not good. Very not good. Ungodly not good.

I can't remember my name. It's...

Sa- No, it's Sas-

Shit!

Rah... Faaaack!

Damnit!

...

Stop. Breathe. Relax.

Focus.

What is your name? Sasuke Uchiha.

That's not my name. It's- The name of the person whose body I am currently occupying.(If that makes sense)

But, I can't remember my own name.

Now that I think of it... I can't remember my friends' faces, nor their names.

S... Sa-

...

Sarah. That's the one name that shines through. All the others are, meaningless. Why? Why can't I remember?! Is it because Sasuke's memories are replacing my own? If that's the case... Why can I still clearly recall how to strip, clean, maintain and use every firearm I've ever owned? I still remember how to drive a car, even a stickshift. And the storyline of Naruto? And of Code Geass, Mass Effect, Resident Evil, Black Lagoon, Avatar? Damnit. None of this makes sense.

This isn't right. It's only my personal memories that are fading, and all in the course of a day! This is not good. If I'm not careful... I could wind up entirely forgetting who I am.

Most definately not good. I'd have to really think up a good solution to this.

...In the morning. Fuck, I'm tired.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

In the morning, I got up and yawned, then opened my eyes to find-

"HOLY SHIT!"

I jumped, hopping back in the bed as my sleep-crusted eyes bugged out. Squatting there on the edge of my bed, (With her bloody sandals on my sheets, too, damnit) was Anko.

"...What? You'd think waking up and finding a beautiful woman on your bed would be a good thing." Okay, I admit, she's hot. If it weren't for the fact that I know full well that a Tokubetsu Jounin doesn't make housecalls to genin without reason, I'd probably have a boner. I'm waiting for her to spell out the reason she's here.

Ahem.

I blinked. "Not when they've got their bloody sandals on your sheets. Hop off."

She rolled her eyes, stepping off my bed and staring at me as I, too, got up.

"Now, is there something I can help you with, miss Mitarashi?"

She quirked an eyebrow. " 'Miss Mitarashi?' Well, aren't you well-mannered?"

I glared at her. "I'm trying not to be rude to you for just breaking into my room. We're ninjas, after all. You'd think they'd have decent locks in a ninja village, but oh, no. By the way, fair warning, if I find my fridge empty, I'll skin you. Just how long were you sitting on my bed watching me, anyway?"

She casually inspected her nails. " 'Bout an hour." I blinked. This is starting to annoy me...

"Oookay. And why were are watching me sleep in the wee hours of the morning? Are you secretly related to Hinata?" Anko started chuckling at my comment.

"Nope. Hokage asked me to fetch you when you got your candy ass outta bed."

Oh, this is just fucking _lovely_. Just what I need right about now. Naruto must've spilled his guts about me.

"Oookie-day, then. And, I have to ask, why did he send you and not one of the Anbu to abduct me in the middle of the night? Or my own sensei, for that matter?" She shrugged, a gesture that nearly opened her trench coat enough to reveal her lovely breasts for my viewing pleasure.

Nearly, nearly. Damnit.

"Dunno. I'm just supposed to escort you to his office before you leave."

"Huh... Ah, well. Mind letting me get dressed?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Bashful, are we?" Damnit, I am NOT letting her get the last laugh! I went this entire time without even looking at her tits, man!(A blatant lie) That's torture!

"No, I was hoping you'd be courteous. But if you really wanna watch, that's your perogative." I immediately removed my shirt, dropping it, and pulled off my shorts, turning as I tossed them over my shoulder.

Clocking Anko right in the face with 'em.

Oh, I was cracking up. Just as I pulled down my skivvies, her face turned bright red, realising she'd been played. After that was done, I went over to one of my dressers and started rooting around for an outfit.

I settled on the same as usual. Underwear, mesh underarmor, cargo pants, and an Uchiha shirt, this time a black one. Gloves, belt, packs, holster, weapons, and I was good to go. I picked up my bandana and tied it in place, before turning back to Anko.

She was still blushing slightly, brows furrowed as she glared at me.

"What? You thought I'd get all flustered from that?"

Despite being thrown-off, she kept her voice even. "Don't get smart with me, brat."

I chuckled. "Easy, viper-girl. No need to get hostile."

After I was dressed, I walked out of the room, Anko following. I went straight to the bathroom, and when Anko nearly followed me inside, I turned and said, "What, here, too?"

She immediately blinked, blushed, turned and walked off. "Don't you dare try to leave! I won't be as nice as the Anbu would."

...Heh, cute.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After taking a piss, giving my teeth a quick brush, I went to the kitchen, where she was leaning against one of the walls. I made a beeline for the fridge, and pulled out a package of cold-cut lunchmeat. I pulled a box of pre-made dango out of the freezer, before tossing it to Anko.

"Microwave's on the counter." I didn't pay any mind to her as I opened the plastic bag of turkey and ham, before tearing into it.

"Breakfast of crackheads," She sniped, popping several of the dumplings into the microwave.

"Hungry. Need protein. And you shouldn't talk, with your sweet tooth."

"Touche."

I polished off the meat, then grabbed a glass and filled it with water from the tap, drinking deeply. Once breakfast was done and over with, I noticed Anko was staring at me.

"...Yes?"

"I was wondering how you knew my name."

I replied with a shrug. "You're hated nearly as much as Naruto. It's fairly easy to pick up on who the villagers dislike, as they're not exactly quiet about it."

"Huh," She grunted, having opened the microwave and flipped the dumplings over, before hitting the button to turn the device back on.(Which I was surprised to see, kinda like the TV. Really, ninjas and modern technology?)

I leaned against the counter and cracked my neck. It'd been feeling stiff all morning.

"So your sensei is Kakashi, huh?" She broke the silence with a question.

"Yep, guy's a lazy pervert. You'd never think he's actually one of the strongest ninjas in the village. Only thing about him that irks me is that he's always late, and gives shitty excuses. I'd be fine with it if he spoke the truth, but I swear... 'Lost on the road of life? A black cat crossed my path? A little old lady needed help getting across he street?' Bloody hell, if he just said he was screwing Tsume or staring at the memorial stone, I wouldn't say a word."

Anko's eye twitched. "...Screwing Tsume? As in, Tsume Inuzuka?" I looked over at her.

"Yeah, why? When he showed up to our genin test late, he smelled like a sweaty, wet dog. With very strong undertones of musk and perfume, I might add. I'd bet fifty ryo he was in bed with her and woke up late."

Her eyes narrowed, and she looked VERY pissed-off.

"Oh... No reason." I raised an eyebrow.

"You've slept with him, haven't you." It was a statement, not a question.

She just had to ask, "Is it that obvious?" I nodded, as it was very obvious from her reaction.

She sighed, looking slighly glum. "I wouldn't say we were dating, since neither of us mentioned becoming exclusive. But yeah... It was more than just casual sex. Wait. I shouldn't be saying this to a kid..."

I rolled my eyes. "Old enough to kill, old enough to drink, fuck, smoke and cuss. Your words, not mine."

She blinked, minutely stunned by my words. "Fair enough. Just last night he told me he wanted us to be nothing more than 'friends with benefits.' Now I know why, at least."

I shrugged once again. My shoulders were starting to get a little sore. "He's not known for his tact or social skills. Personally, if you want a life partner, you'd be better off with Naruto."

She barked a harsh laugh. "Yeah. Right. A kid half my age, that'd go over real well."

I shrugged. Okay, definately sore. More than enough stretching for one day. "Twelve years isn't much, once he's a bit older. Then again, once he pulls his head out of his ass, he'll realise that Hinata has a crush on him. If it makes you feel better, I wouldn't mind."

She blinked, sardonically saying, "Yeah, that's real comforting. I'm attractive to jailbait."

It was my turn to bark out a laugh. "Hah! Don't feel too bad. Two or three years and it's only immoral, not illegal."

She blinked, opened her mouth, shut it. Then opened it again. "You know what... I can deal with that. People already give me the stink eye when they think I won't notice."

The microwave dinged again, and she pulled out two sticks laden with glazed dumplings.

As she chowed down, we made more small talk. "Say, did they execute Mizuki yet? Or have they not figured out who he's working for?"

She stopped chewing for a moment. "How d'ya know 'bout dat?" I raised an eyebrow.

"A leaf ninja tries to trick Naruto into stealing the sealing scroll so he can take it for himself, and you think that wouldn't get around? Yeesh, Naruto's retold the story of how he beat Mizuki to a pulp at least three times. And I remember that prick; his brain's too small to come up with that on his own. Guy's got more hair than brain cells. Kinda reminds me of Ino."

She swallowed her mouthful of food. "...No, he hasn't talked yet. Ibiki's already started throwing things in frustration. For someone so stupid, that traitor is remarkably resistant to interrogation."

I chuckled, imagining the big guy yelling and tossing chairs around. "That bad, huh? Well, he was a pushover if Naruto could pound him into the dirt without a scratch. The boys over at T&I shouldn't have too much difficulty making him talk. I'd say put his nuts in a vice if I thought he had any."

Anko had just taken a bite, but she coughed and choked, laughing with tears in her eyes as she tried not to choke on her food.

"...-Ulp. Gah, that's good! Hahahaha, I like you, kid. You're my kinda Genin." I shrugged. It was one of my favorite tactics.

"Eh, interrogation 101. Personally, I'd put an axe in his gut and start twisting. Then whisper a few sweet nothings in his ear. Something along the lines of, oh, I dunno, 'You have five seconds to start talking before I strangle you with your own intestines.' Brutal, but effective. Ooooh, or you could always do it the Lothar way. Walk in with a hacksaw and tell him you're gonna cut his bollocks off before asking some questions." (Go read Exterminatus Now. Bloody hilarious webcomic)

Anko chuckled darkly. "That last one's been done. Very efficient. I think Ibiki's got a running tally of how many times some poor schmuck thought he was bluffing."

I couldn't resist chuckling at the though of Ibiki sighing, then adding another tic mark to a small chalkboard in the interrogation room. "Heheheh, well that's nice. Love life aside, you been getting on alright?"

She shrugged, picking her teeth with one of the dango sticks. "Can't really complain. Not dead yet, anyway."

"Heh, if only everyone thought that way... We'd never hear people bitching about petty problems. Hey. That seal giving you any trouble lately?"

She opened her mouth to respond when she stopped dead, her eyes widening.

"Who- How do you know about that?!" Her voice was accusatory, and she grasped the side of her neck in reflex.

I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes. "Believe it or not, I'm not naive. I hear things... Thing people only discuss when they _think_ they won't be heard. Your former sensei really hates the village, y'know... And he's got some crackpot scheme to attack us within the year. I figure out of everyone, you'll be the first to notice when he rears his ugly head."

She continued to glare at me, growling, "Is that an accusation...?" Her eyes narrowed, but otherwise, her expression remained the same, despite her dangerous tone.

"Hardly. To the extent of my knowledge, you hate Orochimaru more than anyone. And from the reports, that seal reacts to his presence. If I thought you worked for him, I would have already eliminated you, or at the very least, kept my mouth shut. I'm not stupid."

She relaxed slightly, but didn't take her eyes off me. "And just what reports are you talking about?"

I looked at her as if she were an idiot.(My patented 'You are lucky I cannot force-choke you' stare. Sasuke's facial features naturally shift into this expression quite often) "My father was the chief of police. My brother was captain of Anbu. After my brother's betrayal, I went through every scrap of paper in both of their offices, searching for a reason. I found none, but what I did find was... Shocking, to say the least. Our village has many secrets, even for a ninja village."

Her expression turned dubious. "Secrets?" She parroted, her voice now sounding as cute as she looked.

"The kind that throws everything you know in a blender and pisses on it, before lighting it on fire. Nearly everything we know as truth, is a lie. I'll leave you with this; do not trust Danzo, and never turn your back on him, or ROOT. He stole many of my families' eyes, including that of Shisui before his death. That old bastard has an agenda, one that would put Orochimaru's to shame. More than that, I cannot say."

"Danzo... The old man on the council? That warhawk?" She looked puzzled, and completely thrown for a loop. Well, she's not the brightest bulb around, that's for sure.

While she tried to work out what I'd said, I turned and started for the door, calling back, "C'mon, we've wasted enough time for now. I'd rather not take after Kakashi and be late on my first day."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

She hurried after me as I pulled on my sandals and left, before we made our way to the Hokage Tower. It was still dark out, nor even seven in the morning yet. Shouldn't be too bad. If the old man asks too many questions, I'll play it off by saying it was buried in the tax reports in my father's office.(Excellent excuse) Good thing I'm a damn good liar, even if Sasuke isn't.

Took us another ten minutes to get to the tower. Once there, Anko took point and knocked on the door, walking in at the Hokage's say-so.

"I've brought the boy, Hokage-sama." Despite her inner turmoil/confusion, she was a consumate professional, and looked/sounded the part.

"Very good. You're dismissed, Anko." She nodded, turned and left. Leaving me standing before the Hokage.

With his piercing stare. "You wanted to see me?"

"Yes... You had a discussion with young Naruto yesterday?"

Ah-ha. I was right. "Yes. What of it?" I didn't sound curt, by the way. Difficult, but I tried to sound, ah, respectful.

Tried being the keyword.

"Did you mention anything of his parentage?" I raised an eyebrow.

"I spoke the truth. I wasn't going to lie to a friend about a sensitive subject."

He nodded sagely. "Very well. I'm not going to berate you for revealing an S-ranked secret, as you were never sworn to secrecy... However. How did you learn of this?"

I blinked, deadpanning, "Really? He's a dead ringer for the Fourth, has the same hair and eyes, and was born the same day Minato and Kushina died. Which is also the same day that the Kyuubi was Imprisoned- I mean, defeated. Wasn't too hard to figure out. Honestly? How has no one else figured this out, yet? Is this village full of idiots? Does our sensei know?"

The old man sighed, looking fairly sardonic. "...No, no one but myself and one of the Sannin are aware of this. Now you, and Naruto as well."

"Well, it concerns him, so I'm not sorry. He deserves to know. Not to mention, there were a few reports in my father's office that gave me a clue. Oh, yeah. Before I forget, you do know that Orochimaru is planning to attack the village, right?"

He blinked. "...Are you serious?"

I nodded. "Of course. During the next Chuunin Exam, I do believe. He is currently the leader of the Hidden Sound village, and has a deal going with Hidden Sand. I can explain my reasoning, if you'd like."

"Do so." He deadpanned, staring holes in me.

Time to pull a win out of my ass. "Well, he hates the village, and during the next exam he can gain access to what he wants. A new vessel for his corrupt spirit, revenge against you, and the destruction of the leaf. If I recall, he also wants to acquire the sharingan. He'll either come after myself, Danzo, Kakashi, or my brother. Seeing as Itachi is stronger than him, he'll double his winnings by targeting the village."

"...And the sand?"

"They hate the village, since we get many lucrative contracts that they themselves feel they should get. They're in a serious recession as is, but mix that with living in the desert? They're ready to go to war to ensure their survival. Orochimaru offers them a deal, they accept, in the hopes that destroying us will bag them more jobs."

He looked more dubious than Anko had earlier, and seemed to be ignoring of mulling over my mention of Danzo. "...That's some rather far-fetched reasoning. Though not unbelievable."

I shrugged. "There'll be more evidence of it later. By the way, has my brother reported anything recently?"

The Hokage stopped dead. As in, he fucking_ froze_. The look on his face was absolutely priceless.

This is the kind of mindfuck I live for; the kind that throws their entire mental process for a loop and a half.

"...Your brother has betrayed the village and become a missing-nin. You know this."

I blinked and stared at him. "Don't patronize me, old man. I know full well he was under orders to wipe out my clan. I also know he begged you to spare my life. It took me until just a few days ago to realise he was never a traitor in the first place. Until then I had nightmares every night that he came back to finish what he started... So do not lie to me when we both know the truth."

"Your words border on insubordination." His tone was neutral, but had inflection behind it; there was a hidden threat in those words.

Ah, decisions, decisions, decisions. How to handle this...

I narrowed my eyes. "I'll be insubordinate if I damn well please. My entire family is dead, based on speculation and intrigue; my brother pays the price for the council's politics. If I had my way, I would kill every one of them involved in the massacre. Danzo used it as an opportunity to acquire as many of my family's sharingan eyes as he could. The Hyuuga used the chance to gain power and influence in the village. Others took advantage of a traumatized boy with more wealth than he knew what to do with. So excuse me if I am not feeling very _forgiving_." For some reason, I wasn't just indignant, I felt _enraged. _I wanted to beat someone to death with their own arms.

Or maybe a spine or two, good to have some variety.

Sarutobi sighed once more. "There is nothing more to be said. I am sorry, but I did what I had to. The past cannot be changed."

I took a breath, forcing my mind into a state of peace. "...No, it can't. But we can learn from our mistakes, and ensure they are not repeated. When the time comes... I want to tell them, everyone. To honor my brother's sacrifice. To show that he has not been forgotten, has not disappeared, even if he intended to serve history from the shadows. He deserves that much." My own words moved me, and I felt that tightening in my chest. The kind that comes with great emotional turmoil.

Or indigestion, that breakfast of crackheads is starting to come back to bite my ass.

"...He is a true shinobi. One who sacrifices himself for his village, whose valor and honor are unknown by the public. But he will be remembered, by those who know the truth. And, perhaps, one day the people will come to learn that truth, and recognize him as a hero."

I chuckled. "It'll be the same day Naruto becomes Hokage. I've no doubt in my mind that that day will come."

The old man quirked an eyebrow. "When Naruto becomes Hokage? You wouldn't seek the title yourself?"

I shook my head, smiling. "No, I'm better suited to the frontlines. I'm too hotheaded to sit behind a desk; I'd wind up strangling the politicians within a day, and the cycle of hatred must be broken. Naruto's perfect to do just that."

Hiruzen chuckled. "Huhuhuhuhu, you're right. And I hope I'll still be around to see it when that day comes."

I barked a short laugh. "You hope? Hah! Ojii-san, you're going to outlive us all." If I have anything to say about it.

"You won't be thinking that in another decade or two. Well, go on, then. You've got your first day as a real ninja today, and you don't want to turn out like your sensei. Oh, and before you go, don't mention what we've discussed to others."

"Sworn to secrecy and all that? Alright." There might be a handful of exceptions. Not many, but a few. Kakashi and Jiraiya, if they need a kick in the ass to get 'em moving. Always fun to guilt people.

I turned and left, making my way to the training field. I was still an hour early to the meeting, and Kakashi was still two hours late. I later asked Anko to help me in burning the bastard's book collection.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**One week later**

Well, I made it through the week. I'm still me, I think. Still can't remember shit, but hey. Now I honestly react to the name Sasuke, so I no longer second-guess myself at least. Not sure if I should be happy or sad about that, though. So far, I've got nothing along the lines of a solution to my fading memories.

But I did write down several important bits of information. Itachi not being a traitor, the old warhawk being a bastard backstabber, Pein being Nagato, the names of all the jinchuuriki, along with the names of several important individuals. Not to mention various important events and character weaknesses. Just in case I started forgetting things like that.

Oddly enough, I can still clearly recall reading and watching Naruto, as well as several other different anime. However... I can't remember the names or faces of anyone I watched it with.

Wierd.

Anyway, our first week as genin was torture. We painted fences, picked up trash, cleaned gutters and sewers, and caught that bloody cat.

Six times. In under a week! Gah!

That aside, we each made a bit of money, around 1500 ryo per job, with Kakashi getting a 500 ryo chunk. So that's how the five grand was split, eh? Heh, it costs more than that to feed us after each job.

Moving on, other than making some pocket money, I usually wound up paying for food after our missions. There were benefits to being a clan heir, after all.(Stingy sensei) Other than that...

I picked up some new threads. More cargo pants, some long-sleeve shirts, a pair of cloaks for cold weather, and several new pieces of armor. I was sick of wearing sandals already, so I was _ecstatic _about finally getting some boots. Of course, my teammates made comments about my choice of footwear.

"They'll slow you down."

"Those'll make noise."

Of course, I then pointed out how both of them were disgusted when we had to clean out a sewer. Both of them spent a good five minutes afterwards cleaning muck out from between their toes. I got several pairs of heavy, high-quality plated shinobi boots.(Good for kicking and walking) Along with a pair of thicker, warmer ones for winter enviornments.(Land of Snow and all that, ya?)

Aside from clothes, I picked up new armor. Most ninjas wear mesh armor under their clothes, which I already had, but I decided to get something better for combat. An armguard and pauldron, worn on my left arm that acts as a shield against blows and projectiles. The pauldron protected my neck and upper arm, also giving me a way to fully guard my head from projectiles if need be. However, none of this affected my mobility, and I could detatch any part of it in seconds. Not to mention, as it was made for shinobi, by shinobi, it was silent.

Speaking of new steel, I finally broke down and bought a sword. Not one of the Anbu kind, but an actual sword. It took some convincing, but the weapon shopkeeper sold me a large, double-edged, straight-blade two-handed sword. Nowhere near the size of Zabuza's weapon, but I had difficulty swinging it with one hand. It would do perfectly when it comes to fighting someone wearing armor. I also picked up a knife and a tomahawk.

No, not a kunai, but a knife. A combat knife, not meant to be thrown, but for fighting and killing. I just liked having something I could rely on that was razor sharp, as I didn't much care for kunai as actual weapons. The axe was- Well, for chopping. And maiming. And for torture. Okay, okay, I got it because I like using axes. They're heavier than most other weapons, and hit a lot harder.

Not to mention, they're great for fighting in close quarters. You can trap an enemy's weapon, arm, leg or neck with it. Or simply break their weapon, which is a lotta fun. The _look_ on someone's face when you snap their blade is priceless!

And, of course, I got a nice leather harness for carrying my sword. I also rigged up the sheath for my new 'hawk to latch onto it, keeping two of my new weapons on my back. My knife got tacked onto the pauldron, keeping it on my left shoulder at the ready. My team commented on my new 'accessories' with mirth, the bastards.

"So do you even know how to use those?" Naruto, the smart-alec.

"Geeze, Sasuke-kun... Those look heavy." Sakura, the fangirl.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "I hope those aren't going to just slow you down, Sasuke."

... Insensitive prick. I'll show 'em. I'll show 'em all!

No, not all of me, you perverts.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, we went through a week of D-rank crap before Naruto bugged out just before we recieved another mission. Not that I blame him; he was the one who got clawed the most by Tora.

Fucking demon cat.

After he freaked and shouted, the Hokage relented and gave us our first C-rank.

Que the drunk old man walking in, and Naruto's subsequent rage at Tazuna's comment, to which I then remarked,

"The short stupid-looking one, huh? Well, Naruto, that fits you to a T. Least he didn't hit on Sakura like the last one."

...All three of us shuddered, thinking of the perverted, half-blind old man who ogled Sakura like a piece of meat. Until she got closer, and he saw she had no tits. Oh, the A-cup-angst-filled rage that followed.

**...And ninety-seven pieces of the man was all they found.**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Ahahahahahahaaa! The first person who tells me which song that last line is from will get a bonus prize. I may very well do a bit/skit based on material you provide/want, or run a scenario that you ask for. IF you get it right! **_

_**Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa! Good luck, and may the literature be with you, my faithful toadies! (Number of times George Lucas has flipped me off; 37) **_


	5. Chapter 5 Letting the Demon Loose

**Naruto; **

**First Arc; Awakening**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 5 - The Adventure begins!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, a short while later, we grabbed our gear and started out, going on our first C-rank mission.

Naruto took right about five minutes to gather his gear, whereas Sakura was in and out of her house within two minutes with a pre-packed bag.

Me? I walked into the compound, picked up a backpack I'd packed earlier, and came out fifteen seconds later. Okay, personally, I brought my swimming trunks, a ton of food, standard camp stuff, and gear for a watery enviornment.(Ie, a fishing pole, net, harpoon, floaties...) Of course, I grabbed a few fuuma shuriken,(Read; windmill shuriken. Excellent distractions) for when Naruto had one of his brilliant plans.

I also brought some floaties. Y'know, for shits and giggles.

Heheh.

I admit, the most annoying part of carrying this backpack wasn't the weight; it simply got in the way of my sword. Very annoying. I was used to much more weight than this, but this body- Well, it was tiring, but nothing I couldn't handle. I'd ditch the pack when the fighting starts. For now, I drew the sword and slung it over my shoulder, the crossguard pressed against my shoulder. Again, I was thankful it had a decent-length hilt. Did I mention it was full-tang, wide-bladed, extra thick, and completely badass? Heh. Still, the pack sucked.

I'd switch it out for a single-strap rucksack when I got the chance. Or a decent bloody asspack.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, we started out from the gate, Naruto getting all excited at leaving the village for the first time. While he was shouting and making an idiot of himself, I calmly gibsmacked him.

"Ow! What was that for?!"

"For looking like a bloody git over walking outside the gates. Remember the mantra of ninjas; silent, but deadly. Like Kiba after he's had Bar-B-Q."

This got a snort of laughter from him, as well as a stifled giggle from Sakura as we walked along the path. Kakashi, of course, was above such petty humor. Then again, he was giggling to himself, reading his beloved smut.

Well... He was, until we'd been walking for about half an hour. That's when we came upon a small puddle, in the middle of the day. When it hasn't rained in over a week. With the sun shining bright overhead. Yeah, pretty obvious when you think about it.

Seeing that, Kakashi stopped giggling altogether, and I gathered that he was no longer reading his book.

I calmly sidled up to Naruto, smiling a tranquil smirk.

Before whispering to him, very quietly, "Naruto. Don't react. We're about to be attacked by two shinobi. Be aware, sensei knows. Tell Sakura. What did I just say?"

His eyes shot wide open, staring at me in silence for a moment. Then he whispered back, "Two enemies. Kakashi knows. Gotcha."

He then grinned, big and wide, before letting out a loud laugh.

"That's a good one, Sasuke! Hey, Sakura, c'mere."

The fuck?... Either he's smarter than he looks, or he's a complete idiot.

Sakura scowled slightly, but she moved closer to him as I sidled away.

He kept his grin in place, but quietly, oh so quietly, whispered something to her. Her eyes widened, but she only nodded in reply.

Then she backed away a bit and glared at him. "Naruto! That's horrible! What would Kiba say if he were here now?"

Well. At least they kept it going. We kept walking for another five or six minutes, each of us still smiling, joking, and generally appearing inattentive. Kakashi knew better.

I think he noticed my gaze lingering on that puddle for a moment, before suddenly saying something to Naruto, which he repeated to Sakura. He knew that we knew. I think.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, anyway, we all noticed something; all the animals nearby had vanished. Not even a bloody crow could be heard.

That's when they attacked.

I heard nothing. I saw nothing. But I could feel it.

"Get down!"

Naruto immediately hit the dirt, just after I did, and Sakura dived to the ground, pulling Tazuna with her, just as a bladed chain passed over our heads and wrapped around Kakashi; it was held by two cloaked shinobi wearing Mist hitai-ates and rebreathers.

"*_Kshhrr_*...And now... You're dead." One of them moaned, before both of them yanked on their gauntlet-covered arm, tearing Kakashi to pieces.

Both of them moved as one, rushing towards us. My body didn't want to move... But I did anyway.

_'There they are... Tazuna's their target; disable the chain first_.'

I waited for them to get closer, shifting into my stance. The moment they tried the same trick on me, I swung my blade in both hands, connecting with the chain.

The moment of contact, I flicked my wrist , winding the chain around my blade, before dropping to a knee and forcing it into the ground; effectively grounding the Demon Brothers.

The moment I felt both of their weights tug at the blade, I shot to my feet, turning, drawing as many kunai as I could hold.

'_First target!' _I threw the knives in my right hand at the closest brother before they could disconnect their chain.

Of the four kunai I threw, three connected with his unguarded left arm and chest, whereas the last was deflected by his mask.

Taking the initiative, I chucked my other handful of sharp, pointy objects at him; aiming for his throat.

Well, not quick enough. He unhooked the chain and managed a half-assed dodge. By that, I mean most of the weapons connected with his gut and leg, instead of anything vital. Still, he cried out in anguish, so I figured he felt like a pincushion.

I didn't have time to reminisce on what the the others were doing, so I just went with what I hoped would work.

"NARUTO! SHADOW CLONES!" Not sure if he was paralysed or not, but I said it anyway.

I was moving, searching for the bastard who wasn't bleeding like a stuck pig.

_'Where-? The old coot!' _My eyes darted to Tazuna, who was standing behind Sakura, freaking out. The old man, not the pinkette. She looked fierce, a snarl painted on her expression. Very scary, what with her horrific face.

Heheh.

_'Now where are those-' _***POOF!***

There were suddenly thirty Narutos, ten heading for the bleeding Demon Brother, ten moving to intercept the unharmed one, who was making a mad dash for Tazuna. The rest were here and there, doing random things.

He was moving too fast for me to hit, or to catch... But I could block him.

I moved, fast as I could, to get in front of Sakura, tomahawk in hand.

'_Ten feet... Four... One!' _I spun, swinging my axe as I did so, and damn. It came within an inch of the guy's forehead-

"Gul-haahh!"

"Thaaat's far enough." Except he got clotheslined by Kakashi.

Damn.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

And then, we all let out a breath we didn't know we'd been holding. Particularly the old man, who then took an extra-long swig from the bottle he'd been draining for the duration of the trip.

Kakashi tied up the two Mist shinobi and tossed them on the ground.

Then he rated our performance.

"Excellant work, Sasuke; I suppose that sword isn't just for show. And you left the one looking like Anko's ex-boyfriend." He did his little eye-smile,

And I sniped, "Isn't that you?" He glomped, before blinking and staring at me.

"Just how the hell do you know these things?" (Oh, I'd mindfucked him several times over the last week. It was a lotta fun)

He cleared his throat. "Ahem. Moving on. Naruto, you froze up for a moment. I thought I was going to have to save you, but... Well, you're not dead. And good work subduing one of the fleeing Demon Brothers. Sakura, you adhered to the shinobi code and remained ready to protect the client. Excellent."

Naruto frowned, asking, "How did you two notice them? I didn't see anything."

Kakashi smiled. Or did his eye-equivelent. "The puddle; right in the middle of the day, when it hasn't rained in a week..." He turned towards our captives. "Too obvious, especially for a Jounin, but if even a Genin could pick up on it... You two need to go back to the academy." Kakashi berated the assassins, before his tone brightened immensely.

"I want you to tell me who sent you, and why you're trying to kill the bridgebuilder. Now, are you two gonna tell me what I want to know, or am I going to have to get creative?"

"..." They neglected to answer.

"Oh, joy, I get to have fun today."

I cleared my throat. "Sensei, allow me. I've been meaning to put Anko's lessons to use, and- Well, this is an opportunity that doesn't come along too often."

Kakashi blinked, before taking a step away from me. "Lessons on interrogation, from- From Anko? Anko Mitarashi?"

I smiled. "Yep. Although I got some pointers from Ibiki." He took another step away from me. A big one.

Wuss.

"Well, I don't see why not... They're all yours."

Oh, that won't be a problem... I already know. Oh, and I get to practice one of my finer skills; torture. Mwah. Mwahaha, mwaahahahahahahahahaaaa!

I sauntered right up to the two brothers, knelt, and said, "Well, my friends, for the next hour, you two are going to be my collective bitches. Oh, we're going to have so much fun together! And I promise, this won't hurt, a bit." They'd been tied by Kakashi with ninja wire, so they weren't escaping anytime soon.

Oh, this was going to get fun.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**BEWARE! Gorn ahead! Very, VERY descriptive imagery used ahead!**_

I grabbed them each by the scruff of the neck, and started dragging, while looking over at Naruto and Sakura.

"Oy, if either of you two wanna learn a new skill and see how it's done, you're free to watch."

...They both declined. Eh, squicky bastards.

Well, I dragged the two soon-to-be dead punks a good twenty feet into the treeline, and set them against a tree.

"Alright, now, see, earlier, I was telling the truth. It won't hurt a bit." I leaned forward menacingly. "It's gonna hurt a whooole lot."

Okie-day, first things first. Fear tactics.

I reached over to my shoulder and drew my knife.

"Ah, of course, a knife; the interrogator's best friend. Do either of you know who Morino Ibiki is? No? Ah, well. Now, first off, I'm going to cut one of your balls off. Then I'll ask some questions. If I don't get some answers, I'm going to get creative."

Not even a twitch. What're they, eunuchs?

"...Well, I was hoping I'd get one of you to break without needing to clean my knife later. Tch, ah, well." I casually stabbed my knife into one of their shoulders, earning a sharp hiss of pain. (It was the guy who'd gotten caught by Kakashi, who was on my left)

Without much care, I pulled out my tomahawk. "Alrighty, then. You," I pointed at the guy I'd just stabbed. "Are going to answer some questions. Each time I don't get an answer, or if I don't get the answer I want, I will hurt your friend, in increasing intensity for each question. Now, who do you work for?"

"..." Nothing, of course. Heheheheheheh.

"Alright, have it your way." I lightly kicked the guy in the gut. "Again, who do you work for?"

"..."

"Oooh, so you're the silent, dorky type. Okie-day, it's your friend's ass." My next attack, is glorious. I stomped his testicles.

"Guah-haah! Augh, Gul-huaah-!"

Well, it sure was effective. He had tears in his eyes, and growled at me. Very nice.

"Now, tell me who it is that gives your orders?"

"*_Kssht...* _Your mother."

"Oooh, that one's gonna cost ya. Y'see, my mother is dead. Killed by my own brother, incidentally... And that is a touchy fucking subject." I reared back and slammed the axe into right-side victim's gut.

"Ul- Gchuaah!" I saw a small amount of blood leaking out the side of his mask. Good.

"Now... One of you, start talking within the next five seconds, or I start twisting." The weapon was buried in his intestines, so that was a very real threat.

He was quietly sobbing, growling, and alternatively cursing. After three seconds, I slowly started to pull the hilt upward, winding his guts around the head of the axe.

"STILL, nothing? Damn. Your boss has trained you well, little doggies. But remember what happens; you betray him, you might yet live. You don't, your death is garunteed. So? Whattaya say?"

"*_Kssht_* Fuck, you... Priiiii**AUGGGHH!**" I turned it a full 90 degrees, the handle sticking straight up. Painful, indeed.

"Aww, you see? That didn't hurt at all. For me, anyway."

"You son of a whore! I will kill you!" The unharmed brother shouted, struggling in vain against his bonds.

"Hmm.. Y'know what? I don't, fucking, care. I died years ago... I only live to see the world _**burn**_. That's it._**And you're in my way**_."

I ripped my knife out of the one's shoulder, and stabbed it into the right-side goon's knee, effectively crippling him for the rest of his life, short as it may be.

"Gaaah! You fucking- Guh... Arghh...!" This was because I twisted said knife, bringing immense pain unto him. Well, I was angry.

"Still. You know what, I'm bored. So," I stepped around their legs, knelt close to the left-side, mostly unharmed shinobi. "You are going to give me a fucking answer, or I swear to Jashin, I will _peel your dick like a fucking bannana!_"

...Seeing as I was holding a knife that was pointed in the general direction of his crotch, yeah. He was right to believe that I would litterally skin his meatstick like a potato.

"G-Gato! Gato of Wave Country!"

I smiled again, instantly switching from angry-Sasuke to happy-Sasuke. A good interrogator has to be able to turn it off and on, you know?

"Good, good. Now that we've established that, I want you to deliver a message for me. _When you get to hell, tell Kaiza that Zabuza and Gato will be joining you shortly."_

His eyes widened, as he realised he'd been duped. Oh, he must have been shitting himself.

Right up until I jammed the knife through his temple and twisted. Ripping it out, I turned to the other with a too-sweet, too-kind smile that would make Anko shivver.(And start dripping between the legs)

"Well, looks like it's just you'n me now, buddy. We're gonna get along juuuust fiiiiine."

...He started crying. I don't blame him.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"**GURRAAAAAAAGGHHH!... -NO, NO, NOOOOO!...-Urrgluchhghll...**"

Naruto and Sakura both shuddered. They'd been hearing sounds like that for the past twenty minutes, and there'd been no signs of it slowing down. Either they didn't really know what Sasuke was like... Or something was really, really wrong.

Kakashi finally stood up, and started towards the treeline, looking very disturbed, when Sasuke walked out, looking no worse for wear.

...Except for a slight smudge of blood on his cheek. He was smiling as usual, looking like he'd just taken a calm stroll through the park.

"They're dead, sorry. I got 'em to talk, after some, ah, convincing, it must be said. They work for Zabuza Momochi, who in turn is working for Gato. They're trying to kill Tazuna so he can't complete the bridge. We're definately out of our league on this one, skipper. This is a B-rank minimum, probably more of an A-rank."

Kakashi sighed, before turning towards the old man.

"We need to talk. Now."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"...And that's why I lied. I'm sorry, but we simply don't have the money to afford a higher ranked mission." Kakashi sighed. Again.

"We're out of our depth. We're simply not prepared for this kind of mission."

I cut in. "Ahehem. We do have one of the Leaf's strongest Jounin, as well as two Genin prodigies. Handling Gato will be easy, since he's got around a hundred hired goons. Zabuza and his lackey... Haku, will be the only challenge. As for the money, I'm sure the village can work out a payment program for Tazuna after the bridge has been built, so they'll be able to afford the kind of mission they need done."

Both Naruto and Sakura stared at me. As did Kakashi and the old coot, who took another drink from his bottle.

"...What? Helping Wave will help us later, and killing off Gato should solve a lotta problems, and not just our own. He's a bigot and a major real estate magnate, not to mention a prick. Hell, he might just have the key to his personal safe on his person."

My greedy grin wasn't overlooked by the others, but Naruto also had ryo signs in his eyes. He'd grown up poor, so he knew the value of a dollar. The four of us, (Including Tazuna, who made these great big drunk bambi-eyes filled with great big ol' crocodile tears) stared at Kakashi...

Who in turn sighed, and said, "I'm going to regret this... But alright. However. At the first sign that we might lose, I want the three of you to return to the village, fast as you can. Understood?"

We all nodded before standing, and, before we left, Kakashi ducked over to where I'd dragged the two Demon Brothers; he returned a moment later, looking slightly green.

"You and Anko are two very, very sick people."

I shrugged. "Hey, you fucked her, not me, so that's your fault. I just listened to her bitching about you screwing around with the Inuzuka Matriarch. Really, how many different doggy-style puns can one make in a span of ten minutes? 'Cuz I found out the hard way."

Needless to say, he was speechless, dumbstruck, and generally mindfucked. Again.

"How the hell do you learn these things?!"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."  
- Henry Lewis Mencken, 1880 - 1956

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"**In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like **

**a rock."**_** -Thomas Jefferson **_


	6. Chapter 6 FIGHT! KILL! WIN!

**Naruto; What If**

**Second Arc; Waves**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 6 - Awakening

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, Kakashi agreed to it; we were continuing with our mission to Wave county. Fun, fun. At least I brought my floaties.

We started off again, moving at the same pace we'd maintained before, but all of us marginally more alert and wary. It wouldn't make much difference, but still. Onward we marched. Another two hours and a short boat ride later, until Naruto jumped ahead of us, alerted to something.

I must admit, I'd felt a bit... Uneasy, as though I was being watched. Like there was something evil staring at my ass.

...I'm pretty sure that's how girls feel when a stalker is nearby. Or when Commander Shepard walks into a strip club. (The Ass Effect!)

But I digress. Naruto threw a kunai towards a bush on our right-hand side. When he went to check it out, he found a white rabbit. (Snow Hare, actually)

A mammal whose fur is only white during winter... Or when in captivity. I noted that Kakashi suddenly looked around, searching.

Definately a Jounin. As Naruto cuddled the rabbit, I remarked,

"Oy, Naruto, if you'd quit making out with furball there for a second,"

He shot to his feet, dashed over and denied any accusations of beastiality.

"Teme! Why I outta-!"

I cut him off. "Stow it, noodle-breath. Am I the only one who's wondering, why is there a white rabbit in the woods? It's spring. They only have white fur in winter... Or in captivity. Zabuza, you're a bloody idiot for a Jounin." I said that last bit much louder, sounding more annoyed and sardonic than cocky.

"_Huhuhuh... Pretty smart, for a brat._" A deep, gutteral voice calle dout, seemingly from everywhere at once.

"Get down!" Kakashi shouted, throwing himself to the dirt.

The four of us followed his example, just as a massive hunk of iron flew right over our heads. (RoflCopter go swoosh-swoosh-swoosh!)

***Thunk!* **And embedded itself in a tree, a good twenty feet from us, which Zabuza Momochi then landed on.

"Nice throw! Ya missed," I mocked, climbing back to me feet, dusting myself off.

"Hah! Pretty damn cocky for a Genin." He rumbled, looking cock-eyed at us without turning.

I grinned and said, "I learned from the best."

Of course, the big guy looked at Kakashi.

...Who sweatdropped, thinking, '_I'm losing a lot of face here..._'

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Naruto was about to run right at the Nukenin, when Kakashi stopped him.

"Stop! He's out of your league. Stay back and protect the bridgebuilder. Remember what I taught you about teamwork."

Myself and my teammates dashed over to Tazuna, taking a three-point defensive formation around him. If I couldn't keep up with Kakashi, there was no way in hell I could match Zabuza.

While they went about their introductions, I quietly whispered to the other two,

"He's going to send a water clone after Tazuna. Be ready. If Kakashi gets killed or captured, we'll need to improvise." Naruto and Sakura nodded, whereas the old man took a long drink from his bottle.

...And found it to be empty. "Aw, come on!"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Kakashi revealed his sharingan, and both he and Zabuza seemed to disappear from sight.

"Damn, they're fast."

"What's a sharingan?" Naruto asked, looked puzzled.

"Kekkei Genkai. Bloodline trait of the Uchiha, and Kakashi's trump card. I'll explain later." He nodded, and went back to looking out for the enemy.

Quite suddenly,

"_Brain... Spine... Carteroid... Jugular... Femoral... Liver... Kidneys... Heart. Which shall I pick apart..." _The voice was heard all around us, as Zabuza tried to scare us into submission.

I could FEEL the killing intent saturating the area; it was suffocating. As if I were a hundred metres underwater, sinking... Dying. I could feel my arms shaking of their own volition, as if I were in the arctic, wearing a speedo.

"_Huhuhu... I can see you shaking._"

_'I'm going to die. I'm gonna die!... No... No. NO! FUCK THAT!' _

I felt something shift; a sudden clarity, as if my eyes had been out of focus my entire life, and had just now clicked into place.

"I'm shaking 'cuz I really gotta pee! So can you please FUCK OFF AND DIE YOU EYEBROWLESS FREAK!"

Oh, Great and Mighty Poo, that was awesome!(If you can guess which video game that comes from, you get some free homemade fudge, if you still want it) I could hear Naruto snickering next to me, trying not to laugh, as Sakura giggled and Tazuna chuckled darkly. I could even hear Kakashi chuckle, before Zabuza began to guffaw loudly.

Right... BEHIND US!

"Hah hah hah! I like you, kid. I think I'll kill you first!" I spun in place, sword drawn, switching my grip, ready to block, parry, dodge or counter as necessary.

There he was; crouched, zanbato ready, drawing it backward-!

I could see it. I could see the angle of attack. I moved.

Forward, one step, bringing my blade up, skirting his own, pushing it aside, sidestepping, and completeing the maneuver by shoving the point of my blade through his sternum, and turning it 90 degrees.

Instead of the nice, crisp, satisfying sound of skin splitting, bone shattering and blood spattering over the ground, his entire body collapsed into a puddle of water.

"_Not bad, kid... Oh? Another sharingan user? Well, I don't see that everyday._"

Now where is he? Not here. He's over on the water.

I turned, casting a baleful eye over his large frame, as he started to work his Hidden Mist Jutsu.

"No. And you never will again."

And as the mist settled, covering the entire area, we were effectively rendered blind. Just then, to top it all off, his gravel-on-iron voice was heard once more. "_And neither will anyone else after today..._"

Damn, he's good. That's a solid pre-asskicking one-liner, right there. Almost as good as mine.

Almost, almost.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

My gaze flicked to and fro, searching, my enhanced vision barely penetrating any deeper into the murk than normal.

_'What to do...' _

What TO do. Hm. How to get rid of this mist, first.

Now that I think of it...

I clapped my hands together, and started flickering through handseals.

_'Horse Snake, Ram, Tiger...'_

I took a great breath as I gathered as much chakra as I could stand in my lungs.

And exhaled.

"Fireball jutsu!"

***FWOOSH!***

Damn, that was hot! Like, really freaking hot, man!

I exhaled all the air in my lungs, feeling like I'd just finished fucking a girl for a couple'a hours. Short of breath, but it only took a few moments to put all systems copacetic.(I'm just like that. I got the stamina of a demon, bitches)

There was a crater seven feet across and two feet deep a good five metres away from me, the impact spot of my technique.

And the mist... It had turned to steam, and evaporated. Most of it, anyway. We could see again, whereas both Zabuza and Kakashi were staring at me from a ways off, standing on the nearby river. Literally, standing on the water.

"What the hell..." Kakashi stated, wondering how the hell a kid could use such a chakra-taxing jutsu.

Dumbass. Zabuza recovered the quickest, and he used a water clone to sucker-punch our sensei, before capturing him in a water prison technique.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Of course, he then sent the water clone after us. Since Naruto was the furthest ahead, the clone attacked him first, sending his orange ass flying, his headband coming clean off.

"Shit!"

"Runbb! Run abway! Hish clone canb't fowoh you!" Kakashi shouted from inside the sphere of water, trying to claw his way out, to no avail.

I backed up a bit, changing into a defensive stance. (sword held over me, hilt directly over my head, blade angled downward, my left hand crossed under my right wrist, holding the grip underhanded)

"Naruto! You alright?!" I shouted, not daring to take my eyes off of Zabuza's double. I knew that the real one couldn't move from where he was, so I was only concerned with the clone.

"Grr... I'm fine!" Naruto got back up, still slightly unsteady, before rushing right back at not-Zabuza, screaming at the top of his lungs.

Idiot.

He got sent flying once again via boot express, but he acquired what he wanted.

"You brats, playing ninja... You don't even know what a shinobi is. A real ninja is someone whose survive numerous dances with death. Once you're good enough to be listed in my handbook, then you can call yourselves ninjas." The big man taunted, trying to wittle us down with psychological warfare.

But Naruto had his hitai-ate. He got what he needed. The boy stood back up, tying his headband in place, starting quietly, "Hey... You eyebrowless freak."

Before he got louder. And LOUDER."Put this in your handbook! The man who will one day become Hokage! NARUTO UZUMAKI! BELIEVE IT! DATTEBAYO!"

"Heh. Heheheheh... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!" And the man laughed, loud and hearty.

"That's good! I haven't heard something so humorous in a long time! Kid, when I was your age, these hands had long been stained with blood..."

"Debil... Thabuza." Kakashi muttered, from within his bubble.

"Oh? So you've heard a little about it?"

I rolled my eyes. I'd been through worse, personally. "Yeah, yeah, Yagura had the ninja academy students butcher one another as the final exam to become genin. That was only ended when some kid, not even a student, waltzed right in and killed a whole graduating class by himself."

The big man's eyes rolled back as he chuckled pervertedly, looking like he'd just gotten the biggest boner of his life.

"Hehehuhuhuh. That sure was... Fun." Before he turned his lecherous/perverted/murderous gaze onto us.

Naruto shuddered, whereas I felt like I'd just thrown up in my mouth a little.

"Eugh. Dude, take that boner elsewhere, ya freak."

Once again, Naruto cracked up, and even Kakashi chuckled from the deep.

Just then, Naruto turned and glanced at me. "Hey Sasuke..."

I grinned, letting him have his moment. "I take it you have a cunning plan, baldrick?" He nodded, matching my grin, understanding that I was making a joke. Oh-ho, shit was about to get real.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We conferred quietly for a moment, before we both nodded, going with his idea to deal with the real Zabuza, and mine to deal with his clone.

"Al-right! Let's get wild!" He formed a very familiar cross-shaped handseal, as I ran straight ahead, once again switching my grip, this time to one-handed, leaving my left free. I was gonng need it.

I went straight at the clone, whereas Naruto's shadow clones went around me, surrounding Not-Zabuza.

Once I was within five feet, I ducked and jumped, relying on my new body's agility and reflexes for this. As I rose, higher and higher, the water clone made the mistake of following my movements, ignoring the seven Narutos that tackled him, immobilizing his arms and legs, keeping him still.

Only for a moment, but... A moment is all I needed. Still rising, I threw my sword into the ground, a steel wire connected to it's hilt, before throwing six kunai, all of them connected with the same steel wire, all around Not-Zabuza. As they flew, I shifted my weight, twisting my body, forcing the wires to intertwine, coming closer and closer.

Once it started to look more like a tent frame of wire, I started falling...

_'Time to kick this shit up!'_

I stuck the end-piece of wire in my mouth, and flickered through handseals ocne more. I was counting on this working; I could already feel the drain on my chakra.

_'Snake, Dragon, Rabbit, Tiger...' _

"Dragon's Breath Jutsu!"

I did the same as last time, inhale as much as I can, concentrate chakra in my lungs, let it smolder, and release, but with my hands clapped together in the Tiger seal, with the wire between my fingers.

***Fuh-Woosh!* **Bam! The flames shot out, riding the wires, twisting, turning, completely covering Zabuza's water clone in flames, causing it to implode with a splash, putting out much of the fire, along with dispelling several of the shadow clones.

"Sasuke!"

Just as my feet hit the ground, Naruto threw a fuma shuriken to me, which I caught as I spun in place, snapping it open.

"Hell, yeah!" ...By the way, all that happened in about two and a half seconds.

"Demon wind shuriken! Windmill of shadows!" Time for the fancy intro sequence. Somebody kick on some Hollywood Undead!

**[Cue Music; Glory, by Hollywood Undead; Album, American Tragedy]**

I started forward, ducking down as I concentrated more chakra in my legs, before giving a great leap, shifting my weight into a spin for good measure, and slew that shuriken as hard as I could in Zabuza's direction.

Did I mention I actually threw TWO shuriken? Heheheh. Good ol' Naruto, coming up with a damned good plan!

You know what happens next.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Zabuza, of course, being a Jounin, caught one of the shuriken, before realising there were two. And he jumped, shouting "Still not enough!"

...

*Poof!*

And the one he'd dodged transformed into Naruto, and threw a kunai at the back of his neck.

Which, being in midair and all, didn't leave him many options by way of dodging. So he cancelled his water prison technique, twisted his body out of the way of Naruto's kunai.

"Grr... You little shit!" He turned, and began to advance on Naruto, until-

*Poof!*

The OTHER shuriken he'd been holding, the one he was about to use to murder Naruto, turned into none other than-

"SURPRISE ASSHOLE!" BAM! Sasuke fucking Uchiha, hanging onto Zabuza's arm, combat knife held above his head, as he plunged it straight down into the big man's shoulder.

"GAARGH! YOU PIECE OF-" Well, I hadn't really planned past this point, sooooo...

Well. Yeah. *CHOMP!* "ARRGH!" (Whattaya, a pirate?)

He punched me over the head, (Ow) gave me a damned fine kick, (OW!) and then tried his best to shake me off. (I was gnawing on his arm. Rather funny, really)

"Grr!... Fawk yuu!" I had my teeth clamped around his upper bicep, so, ah, yeah.

He had just realised he still had a big-ass sword, and was about to carve me in two, when he was quite suddenly,

"OOMPH!" *Whumpk!*

Kicked in the gut and sent flying, by none other than Kakashi, who had grabbed my collar before doing so.

I spat out a sizable chunk of shoulder, and a mouthful of blood. "Bleeugh!... When's the last time you took a bath, man?! Eesh. Sure took your time, Scarecrow. Nice job getting caught, too. By the way, you owe me a drink."

He glomped. "Ugh... Sasuke- Just stay out of the way for now. Please. And great plan, you two. I'll take it from here." As he dropped me into the drink, I bobbed right back up to the surface!

"Bwah! Hey! That didn't turn out so good last time!"

He calmly ignored my jibe.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Myself and Naruto swam ashore, having no audience to explain that incident to. The other Sasuke vanished in a poof of smoke, having been nothing more than a shadow clone.

I had observed Naruto when he created his, and I somehow understood the technique completely. Still sucked a lot of chakra, but it was useful. I had summoned one real quick while I was in midair, and transformed myself into a fuma shuriken the same time Naruto had thrown his.

...Yeah, it's not as dramatic if I explained it while it was happening, yah?

Anywho, Kakahi and Zabuza both clashed with Water Dragons, before Kakashi freaked out the no-brow bastard with his Sharingan, and whallopped him with a great vortex.

And then pinned him to a tree with kunai, turning the big man into a big pincushion.

Before making some bullshit comment about seeing the future, and then-

*Thunk-Whack!* Two senbon needles penetrated the former-swordsman's neck, and he fell to the ground, lifeless. Or so it appeared.

Then Haku showed up, looking like a hunter-nin.

"A hunter-nin? Oy! You bastard, why didn'tcha help us when we were fighting him!" I shouted, which Naruto agreed with, looking right ticked off.

"Because it would mean unnecessary exertion. I waited for my chance."

I interrupted. How to deal with this pest... I don't know if we could take him on as is. Hm. "I call bullshit. You waited until he was about to die before stepping in, and with weapons ill-suited to assassination. No... You're not a hunter-nin. Who are you?"

He responded politely, but shifted stance slightly. "I am-" I interrupted, again.

"Doesn't matter. Take your freaky friend and fuck off. Be the way, you do know that Kiri's Anbu changed their mask type and attire, right? If you're gonna use a disguise, use the right one."

The boy took a step back, warily looking up at out Jounin-sensei, who was calmly perched on a tree branch.

"Hmph. Take him and leave. If either of you show up again, I won't hesitate to kill you both."

Haku quickly took that as a dismissal and picked up Zabuza, performed a shunshin and disappeared.

...Yeah, I should've killed the androgynous punk.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Kakashi hopped down off of his perch, landed next to us, and took a single step.

"Good work. By the way, I need someone to carry me. I'm going to collapse."

"What?" Naruto asked, looking puzzled.

*Thunk*

And he did just as he said.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"As long as there is man, there will be violence.  
As long as there is violence, there will be war.  
And as long as there is war... we will always have a job."_

— **Anonymous**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."_  
- Henry Lewis Mencken, 1880 - 1956

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Self-sacrifice… a nameless shinobi who protects peace from within its shadow…_" -Shisui Uchiha


	7. Chapter 7 Preparations

**Naruto; What If**

**Second Arc; Waves**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 7 - Training!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...Well, Kakashi fell flat on his face, and we were stuck carrying him. I retrieved my weapons, replaced them, (I'd removed my knife from Jaggoff's shoulder when Kakashi kicked him) and knelt next to my passed-out sensei.

"Naruto, gimme a hand carrying stretch."

Naruto came over, pulled one of Kakashi's arms over his shoulder as I did the same, and we lifted him up.

"Oof!... Goddamn! What the bloody hell does he eat... Skinny bastard weighs a ton..."

"Ugh... Damn, sensei... You picked a great time to pass out on us..."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We started marching, carting out conked-out sensei with us as Sakura and Tazuna lead the way. As we walked, Naruto commented, "Eesh.. Sasuke, can you cut that out? It's creepy."

Eh? "Cut what out?"

"That eye thing... Sharingan or whatever you call it..."

I blinked. Huh?

Sharingan... Oh. OH. Ah-hah! So that's why my vision suddenly got much better... Hm. And why I was able to copy his shadow clone jutsu. I thought on that... And noticed a slight twinge in my eyes. Like an extra muscle... I tried giving it a mental tug.

And was suddenly hit with massive exhaustion.

"Guah... Ugh... Geeze..."

Felt like I'd just used another fireball jutsu... And blown three loads. Damn... Wonder if my freaky stamina will help out with using chakra...

"Hey. Hey! You're dropping him... Ugh... Help... He's heavy..."

I straightened up and lifted more of the weight, not wanting to stick Naruto with all the work, exhausted or not.

...I have my pride.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

It took another hour and a half to get to Tazuna's house. When we got there, we dumped our sensei in a bedroom on the second floor as miss MILF- I mean, Tsunami, busied herself fretting over us children.

...Really. We go around carrying weapons, kicking ass, killin' folks, and people STILL treat us like kids. Bastards.

...At least the free food is good.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We'd been there for a couple hours, alternatively joking, worrying, and dicking around before our 'beloved' sensei woke up.

"Ugh..."

"Kakashi-san! Are you alright?" Tazuna's beautiful, busty daughter asked, standing over the scarecrow.

"Yeah... Fine. I just can't move for about a week."

"Geeze, sensei... The sharingan is really useful, but if it's that hard on the body..." sakura observed, looking slightly worried.

I commented, "The reason it's so hard on him isn't because of the sharingan itself; it's because he isn't an Uchiha. Sensei lacks the stamina needed to use it for extended periods... Mostly because that eye isn't his to begin with."

Kakashi calmly regarded me. "Very astute... You deduced all that from one encounter?"

I shrugged. "I'd heard that Obito gave up one of his eyes when he was mortally wounded on a mission. The fact that you gained the nickname Copycat Ninja around the same time just highlighted the fact. Before you ask, I don't much care if you have it."

"Huh. And here I had to listen to the council and your father collectively argue over whether or not they should tear it out. It's good to see that you're not as set on revenge as I'd thought you were."

I blinked. "Err, I'll take that to be a compliment..."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Now... What do we do about Zabuza..." Kakashi pondered, wondering just what to do...

"Uh, sensei, why did you let them go? You could've taken them both then and there, right?" Naruto asked, scratching the back of his head.

"Err, not quite... I over-used the sharingan and wound up the way I am now. I don't know what his accomplice's abilities are, so I didn't want to take that risk. From what it seems, the boy put Zabuza into a momentary state of death. When that happens, it takes time for the body to return to normal... so we should have time to prepare."

I smirked. "Finally going to train us, eh? Got anything useful you can teach us without killing yourself?"

...He sweatdropped, thinking, 'I'm really losing a lot of face here...'

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Why do you guys even bother?" A young voice asked, surprising Naruto. Inari... Lovely.

" 'Cuz we're ninjas! It's our job."

The boy looked at Tsunami. "Mom, they're gonna die."

Both Naruto and Sakura facefaulted, before the blonde got back up, angry-looking.

"Hey! What's your problem?!"

"Anyone who fights Gato dies. What're you, stupid or something?"

...I felt like slugging the kid right about here, but didn't have the chance. He stalked off, right up the stairs to what I assumed was his room.

"Ah, I'm sorry..." Tsunami started apologising, before Naruto got to his feet and started off, muttering about teaching the unruly brat a lesson.

...He came back less than two minutes later, looking fairly shaken. Poor guy.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, Kakashi lead us out and into the woods, before telling us what our training was to be.

"Tree climbing."

I blinked. "Uhh... Really? That's it? Nothing useful?"

He stared at me. "Chakra control is possibly one of the most important lessons I can teach you." I rolled my eyes.

"I already taught myself treewalking. Shall I demonstrate?" He raised an eyebrow as my teammates stared at me.

"Go ahead. Try not to hurt yourself." ...smartass.

I started whistling, walking right at a tree, hands in pockets, focusing chakra in my feet. I'd been practicing this the entire week before, and I'd gotten it down pat.

I placed one foot flat on the tree trunk, and started walking straight up. Allll the way up, until I was unside down, hanging from a thick branch.

"Told ya." Sensei stared at me, before saying,

"Well... I'll be damned. Care to explain it to the others, too?"

I shrugged, and started walking down. "Sure, but I want you to teach me something useful." He raised an eyebrow.

"And what would that be?"

"Shunshin."

He blinked, staring at me as I set foot on solid ground again.

"...The body flicker technique? Hm. Alright."

...Sweet.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I stepped up to my teammates. "Alright, this is easy enough, but it takes practice. Calm yourself, and concentrate chakra in the soles of your feet. Focus only on the tree in front of you. Take a kunai in hand, and walk straight up. Now, I say walk, since it requires greater stamina, chakra, and muscle strength. If you need a handicap, than take a running start and use the momentum to propel yourself upward. You guys get all that?"

Sakura nodded, whereas Naruto looked slightly baffled, before nodding.

"Good, good. Go ahead and give it a shot. ...Try not to land on your head."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I walked away, over to where Kakashi was standing on his crutches.

"That was pretty good. Where did you pick up on that?"

"Anko gave me the idea to walk instead of run, since starting hard makes it get easier as you go along. Besides, walk before you run, right?"

"Hm. Alright. Now, this technique is usually only taught to Chuunin, so... Don't tell anyone I taught it to you." I nodded, as he began to teach me.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...Not like I can tell you how he taught me, right? Heheh. Use a handseal to focus your chakra, concentrate it in your legs, and start a mad dash in the direction you wanna go. Pretty straightforward.

...But practicing your accuracy is what hurts.

*Thwack!*

"...Ow." I stood back up, rubbing my nose. This was the third tree I'd ran into. I was doing this without my sharingan, as per protocol, so I'd be able to do it without my eyes if necessary.

I was getting better. By that, I mean I was no longer tripping over tree roots. I can now see why this is taught to Chuunin; it's painful.

I dusted myself off and started off towards where the others were. Sakura had easily made it to the top, and had repeated the exercise a few times, before she came back down and collapsed, panting. No stamina.

Naruto, on the other hand... He was doing pretty good. Already more than halfway up. I'd give him another two days and he'd have this down.

I walked over to where Kakashi was sitting, calmly reading his smut.

"Oy, you still reading porn in broad daylight?"

"Oh? You're taking ain interest in my reading material?"

I felt my features turning sardonic. "You're reading Jiraiya's famous pornographic novels based loosely upon his own peeping exploits. Geeze, Guy just trains waaay too hard and looks flamboyant, Kurenai's so uptight she could beat people to death with the stick up her ass, Asuma smokes like a chimney, Anko goes around half-naked and eats enough sweets to choke a horse. But you? You're always late, and read porn whenever you have the chance. Seriously, what is it with ninjas and weird habits?"

He shrugged. "Everyone has their coping mechanism. It comes hand-in-hand with killing for a living."

I blinked and stared. "But why do people choose such strange things... I kinda get wanting to get away from reality, but why porn of all things? Do you not get laid enough or something? Or are you secretly a virgin?"

He sweatdropped, thinking; 'I'm losing a lot of face here...'

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Five days later...**

I've improved exponentially with the shunshin. Now I can dash through the trees without running into any of them, moving lightning-fast. Even with my eyes closed.

...Well, for a short time. Eheheh. Naruto's gotten to the point where he can climb the tree nearly to the top. Nearly.

Sakura was now spending her days on the bridge, going around following Tazuna. Naruto was still training and training, and I was working on my new technique, along with trying to ascertain the limits on my sharingan. So far as I can tell... I have two tomoes in each eye, and I can predict opponents' moves in the short term. I can read them, and copy their techniques, but it's not perfect. I would have to use and develop it further.

We only have one more day until Zabuza attacks... Hmm... Strange.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, that night, Inari blew up at Naruto, shouting about how there are no heroes. Of course, Naruto shouted right back, stood up and walked out, going back to train until he collapsed.

...Idiot.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Next day comes around, I meander on over to where Naruto was training, and I find him sitting on the ground, muttering to himself about living in a wierd world. I caught sight of a brunette girl walking off in the distance with a basket...

...Haku. Sure does look like a girl form this distance, though...

"Huh. Cute girl. You been flirting instead of training?"

"No. And that was a guy."

"...A guy? Seriously? ...This is a fucked up world."

"Tell me about it."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We did some light sparring, a bit more treeclimbing, and worked on our coordination. I was using my sharingan to see if I could accurately predict his movements, and try to get better with it. After that... It was dark, and he had exhausted himself, so I wound up carrying him back to Tazuna's house on my shoulder.

And he was fucking heavy!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

On the day of Zabuza's ambush, myself, Sakura and Kakashi got up early and let Naruto sleep in, as we went on our way to the bridge with Tazuna.

No going back now...

Time to go to work.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"As long as there is man, there will be violence.  
As long as there is violence, there will be war.  
And as long as there is war... we will always have a job."_

— **Anonymous**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."_  
- Henry Lewis Mencken, 1880 - 1956

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Self-sacrifice… a nameless shinobi who protects peace from within its shadow…_" -Shisui Uchiha


	8. Chapter 8 Battle on the Bridge!

**Naruto; What If**

**Second Arc; Waves**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 8 - Battle on the Bridge

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We made our way to the bridge, and found something odd. There was a thick mist hanging about... And no sounds of people. Big tipoff. From that... I could smell it. Blood.

Kakashi noted it too, and put his book away. Yeah, when he puts his precious Icha Icha away, you KNOW shit's going down.

As we progressed to the area under construction, we found several bodies... All of them workers.

"Ta...zu..na... De...mon..." The only one still breathing grit out, lying in a pool of his own blood... defiant to the end...

"Shit! What happened?!" Tazuna knelt next to the poor guy, looking distraught. Freaked the fuck out would be a better description.

"...So they're already here..." Kakashi noted, before turning around taking a stance.

I, too, turned and drew my blade, shifting into a defensive stance. It was time for battle.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

The mist thickened... It was thick enough to cut with a knife.

"Sensei! Isn't this the Hidden Mist jutsu?!" Sakura sounded fraught, looking to and fro.

"_Heheheheheh... Long time no see, Kakashi..._"

"Oy, wouldja quit hiding and come out already? There's no bloody dramatic effect from cowering in the mist! For you or your crossdressing friend!"

...Okay, tension broken, the mist cleared for a few moments, and I found both missing-nins staring at me.

"...Whaaat? I'm serious. Either fight head-on or fuck off. We don't have time to dick around."

"Hehehehuhuheh... I suppose you're right."

As if on que, a half-dozen water clones of Zabuza appeared all around us, poised to strike.

"...Really? Clones? That's it? ...Fuck this." I formed a seal with my left hand, and shunshined towards the closest one.

'Swing down... Turn... overhead... Flow with the momentum... slash... Chop... Hack...! And follow through!'

*Wuh-shing-kshck-thwa-shwingk-Splsh!*

...and I slid to a stop, all six clones dissipating into a puddle of water. I gave that new muscle in my eyes a tug, and I felt my vision clearing, sharpening, everying coming into focus.

"...Well, now... It seems you've got a rival, Haku..." The masked boy nodded, stepping forward.

Before dashing straight at me, too fast for normal eyes to follow.

Kerowrd there? Normal.

I could see his trajectory. I could see.

And I moved.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

First strike... Aimed at my legs, to incapacitate. Not happening. I side-stepped, swinging the flat of my blade, catching Haku in the side of his leg, knocking him off his feet.

And I followed through, bringing my sword around, overhead, and down, smacking him down onto the cold concrete beneath our feet. (I'd used the flat of the blade. I had my reasons)

He immediately twisted and rolled, jumping back to his feet, out of breath.

"Oh? Is that all you got, pretty-boy? C'mon, gimme a challenge!" I taunted, hoping to rile him up.

"Go ahead, Haku... Do as you like." Zabuza called, drawing his zanbato.

I could tell he was smiling. "As you wish, Zabuza-sama." And he drew a senbon, before rushing straight at me.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I blocked his attack, and he started speeding through handseals with his off hand.

'Oh, no you don't!' Instead of letting him finish, I used one of my oldest tactics. Dropping low and sweep-kicking his legs out from under him. In the quarter of a second I had, I shot to my feet, stepped forward, grabbed his weapon hand in my left, and threw myself on top of him, bringing my right arm down in an elbow drop that cracked one of his ribs.

"Guh-hah!"

Thinking quickly, I forced his right arm to bend, bent my own right arm to trap his, and then twisted, bringing my left arm over my head, and back down in a second elbow drop that cracked his left collarbone.

Right, offense over, I rolled the other way, finally releasing his weapon arm and rolling to my feet.

"Gaah...!" I'll give him credit. For a guy with a cracked rib and broken collarbone, he didn't quit. He struggled to sit up, and clambered to his feet, breath ragged.

"Hmph. You don't know when to give up, do you? As you once said, I don't want to kill you, but I will if you don't surrender."

He stopped panting and glared at me from behind his mask. "Never."

I shrugged. "Suit yourself. I'm not going to let you use your kekkei genkai, so you've very little chance for victory. And Zabuza can't win against Kakashi; he's out of his league. Strong or not, he simply doesn't have the means. Kakashi is harder to kill than Madara ever was."

"...How can you be so sure?" Being a smart individual, Haku was aware of Konoha's history.

I smirked. "Because he was taught by the Fourth Hokage. He was raised by a war hero on par with the three Sannin. And he is my sensei. He knows that if he dies, myself, Naruto, and Sakura would never forgive him for leaving us by ourselves." Plus we'd kick his ass in hell right after Zabuza finished killing us.

...Yeah.

The masked boy steeled himself, and started forming handseals with his left hand, throwing a handful of senbon needles at me with his right.

I neatly ducked and blocked them, my eyes easily able to follow their trajectories as I rushed forward, intent on preventing him from using his bloodline ability.

Even as I approached, I had a sinking feeling I'd be too late to stop him...

And I was right. He finished his jutsu, and several ice mirrors started to form from the water surrounding us. Doesn't mean I stopped. He couldn't enter the mirror until it was fully formed...

Five feet. Three. One...

None!

I clotheslined him as he moved towards the closest forming mirror, knocking both of us to the ground. I had only one shot for this, so I needed to use it. I drove my blade through his left forearm, staking it between the bones and to the concrete.

"Gaah!" He screamed, squirming, trying to get free, trying to get to a mirror...

But, I had him nailed. I grabbed hiscollar, pulled him back towards me, and slugged him in the face.

HARD. His mask cracked, and I felt one of his teeth come loose, I think. Once, twice, thrice, again, I kept hitting, until he stopped moving and just lay there, panting.

"Hah-huuh... I think I've had enough of that mask, punk. " With deft precision, I grabbed and dislocated his right shoulder, ensuring he wouldn't be able to attack me. He hissed in a breath, but didn't flinch. After that... I tore off his mask.

"Huh? You sure you're a guy? Eesh, even with the bruises and blood you're STILL prettier than Sakura."

"HEY! I HEARD THAT!" A decidedly unfeminine voice shouted from within the mist, enraged by my comment.

...Heheheh. He didn't reply, just lied there... Breathing raggedly, eyes hollow.

"Hm? You still alive? C'mon, say something. I don't wanna give you mouth-to-mouth if you aren't dying."

"Kill me... I'm no use to Zabuza-sama now..."

I scowled. "Aw, shaddup. If I intended to kill you, you'd already be dead. You're alive because you're still of some use to me. If all ends well, Zabuza's going to be carrying you off later. Gato is going to betray you both, so sit still, stay quiet, and don't attract attention to yourself. Piss me off and I'll sever your achillie's tendon." A serious threat. If you cut that, the person will never walk again.

He still stared at me. "Why...? What use could I be to you? Zabuza-sama will not hesitate to strike me down if I am taken hostage." He spoke the truth.

I raised an eyebrow. "You're worthless as a hostage, but you are worth something as an ally. Once Gato is dead, we'll have no reason to fight. And I'd rather not kill someone who will likely fight by my side later. Even I can see the potential you've got... And it would be a waste to kill the last of the Yuki clan."

He stared at me. "Yuki... Clan?"

I nodded. "Your bloodline is the ability to manipulate water, freezing it into a solid shape to create weapons. It was once a well-known clan in Kiri, but after the purges... Well. You might very well be the last one. I know the feeling, believe you, me. So don't force me to enact genocide upon an entire bloodline. Like you, I avoid killing when I am able."

He was silent for a few moments. "...Why?"

"Many of us did not choose this path; we were either pressured or forced into this lifestyle. However... Whether or not we kill is a choice. And I choose not to become a heartless monster. My wish is to protect those that I hold dear, and stop those who would harm them. I dream of making this a world of peace, where all people can live in harmony with one another. ...It will not happen in my lifetime, but I will not stop until I ensure that it will come to be. That is my goal."

He chuckled. Actually chuckled. "Heheheheheh... Such a noble goal for one so young... You're an idealist."

The sounds of Kakashi and Zabuza's battle could be heard, from the clang of steel, to the grunts of pain. They were neck and neck, and it was too early to tell who had the advantage.

"Hardly. I'm far more cynical than you think. I have an unrealistic goal that contrasts my realist personality. It gives me a reason to strive, a reason to grow, and a purpose with which to live my life. It is my drive,and it is why I will never give up. Not here, not now, not ever. Zabuza is the same for you; someone precious that gives you purpose. You exist to further his ambition."

He smiled slightly. "So you've psychoanalysed me in such a short time... Or those eyes of your really do read minds."

Suddenly... "NARUTO! UZUMAKI! IS! HERE!"

...That blockhead made his big entrance, appearing in a big-ass puff of smoke. Idiot.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

From my position, kneeling on the ground, I called, "Oy, blockhead! Aren't you supposed to be a ninja?!"

He facefaulted. "HEY! I rushed over here to save your ass, so you could at least show a little..."

He trailed off as he saw who I was sitting on. Or, well, next to. Haku, injuried, damned-near unconscience.

"Hey! You're that pretty guy I saw!" I rolled my eyes.

...As did Haku, who chuckled darkly. Before hissing in pain once more.

"Oy, Naruto, did you take care of the thugs Gato sent after Tsunami?"

He nodded, a proud grin on his face. "Damn straight! They never knew what hit 'em! ...Wait. How did you know?"

"Two-pronged assault. If Zabuza failed, Gato would have leverage against Tazuna. Basic strategy. And did you REALLY think that I would need saving?"

He smirked. "Heh, guess not."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, a short five minutes later, I heard something odd. The ground shaking... Hm... No. It was an earth-based jutsu. Kakashi's summoning, I take it. I stood up and dusted myself off, then said, "Naruto, stay here. Pretty boy moves so much as an inch, sit on him."

I took off in the direction I remembered Kakashi and Zabuza being in, relying on my ears and nose to find them. I only hoped I wouldn't be too late.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I got fifteen feet... Then I heard someone crying out in anguish, followed by something. Something very peculiar. Something that sounded like birds... Hundreds of them, accompanied by a vibrant blue light in the mist, a mere twenty feet from me.

*Chichichichichichichichichic hichichi!*

Damn!

"Sensei! Wait! Hold fire! STOP!"

I got closer, closer... Until I could actually make out Kakashi's figure, along with a very large silhouette, which I took to be Zabuza, held in place by several ninja hounds.

"Sasuke? What are you doing here?" He challenged, not taking his eyes off of his opponent.

"I took down Haku and staked him to the ground. Naruto's keeping him still. Oy, Zabuza, you no longer have any reason to fight."

"BAHAHAHAHA! Well, that's a new one. Just why don't I have reason to fight?"

I smirked. "Kakashi, cancel that technique for a moment." He hesitated, but complied when I glared at him.

"Now both of you shut up and listen."

...

...Footsteps. LOTS of footsteps... And the clinking and clanking of weapons... A helluva lot of 'em.

"Hear that...? That'll be Gato, coming to kill all of us in one fell swoop. He's got around a hundred goons, mostly undisciplined militia. Now, if Gato intended to pay you, why would you pay more guys to come here and fight us when you should be taking care of that right now?"

"Hmph. Pretty smart, kid..." The mist started to dissipate... And soon, we could see a small army on the other side of the bridge, and at the front, was a short man wearing sunglasses, carrying a cane, with one arm in a cast.

"Well, well, well... It seems the demon of the mist isn't so scary after all... You couldn't even kill one measly old man. And you call yourself a ninja?"

Even while held in place by several canines, he growled as though he were poised to strike.

"Gato... Why are you here?"

"Isn't it obvious? I never intended to pay you. You see, hiring village ninjas is expensive, and they might betray me, so instead, I hire missing-nins like you, ones who are easy to dispose of afterwards, reducing expenses and acting as... Insurance."

Oooh, I could see a vein pop in the big man's temple. "Kakashi... It seems the brat is right. We are no longer enemies."

"So it seems..." With a snap of the cycloptic Jounin's fingers, his summons dispelled, releasing the former-swordsman.

"Oy, big guy. Before you go on a rampage, I've got a deal to propose to you once shorty over there is dead. Care to hear me out?" He looked at me from out of the corner of his eye, before grunting his acknowledgement.

"Yeah, yeah... Care to have some fun, Kakashi?" I could tell, my sensei smiled.

"Sure, why not?" He formed a handseal, and a handfull of shadow clones appeared, all looking rather ecstatic.

...Well, he enjoys a good fight. Me? I did the same, forming that cross handseal, and summoning four shadow clones. My max is around forty or so... But only four will do for this.

Each of us drew our tomahawk and a handfull of kunai, grinning maniacally.

"**LET'S GET WILD!" **

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...Needless to say, those hundred or so goons didn't last long.

My killcount was somewhere around twenty, whereas both Kakashi and Zabuza each pulled over thirty. After that show of bloodshed... Only Gato remained, lying in a massive pool of blood, pissing himself.

"N-now w-w-wait, see here, I can pay you-!"

Well, I didn't feel like hearing it. I marched right over, straight past both Jounin, knelt next to the trembling fatass, and said in a decidedly chipper tone,

"You're going to tell me where your personal safe, emergency stash, back account numbers, and financial records are. Other wise, I am going to peel your dick like a bannana. Understand? Of course, after that, I'll give you a good old fashioned bamboo manicure, followed by hanging you from this bridge by your intestines. And trust me, I'll do it in a way so you'll survive for three more days... Only to be picked apart by the vultures. So, do we have a deal? Or do I have to get... Creative?"

Should I mention that I was covered from head-to-toe in blood? And both Kakashi and Zabuza were standing right behind me? Oh-ho-ho, the short, stubby man was absolutely pissing himself.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

You don't need to be told, but he talked. Fast. And a lot. Everything we needed to know about his finances, we now had. After getting what I needed, I clapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Well, thanks for that, mate. You now have exactly ten seconds to run for your life before we try to kill you."

"W-WHAT?!"

"One."

"N-NOW SEE HERE! I JUST-!"

"Two. I'd really reccommend you start running."

"AH-AH, AHHHHH!" He started to get up, tripped, and fell flat on his face. Did I mention that I grabbed his ankle?

"...Ten."

"No, NO, **NOOOO-Glaauuurrgh..."**

I began hacking away at him with my axe. ...The end result wasn't pretty. Then again, he wasn't pretty to start with.

I stood up, wiped the blood from my face, and holstered my axe. "Well, I feel much better now, how about y'all?"

...Neither Jounin commented. Ah, well.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We all gathered at the center of the bridge, where Zabuza knelt by his injured comrade and began plugging all the holes I'd put in him.

"Hmph. Nothing vital hit... Either you're damned skill, or just have a shitty aim."

I shrugged. "Could be either. Anywho, you rebelled against Yagura, didn't you?"

He paused for a moment. "What of it?"

"I want to know why."

"What does it matter now? I failed, and am now a rouge ninja."

"The why is always more important that the what. You're ambitious, but not the leaderly type. You're also not the type to do things without reason... And if my hunch about you is right, then you're not as inherently evil as some would believe."

"...Hmph. Kakashi, your brat's too damn smart for his own good."

My sensei shrugged. "He got that all on his own. Don't blame me."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, yeah. So why did you attempt a coup de'tat?"

"...Because Yagura does not act in the best interest of the village. He's..."

"Being manipulated? Hm. I'd heard rumors of such... Makes more sense than I first gave it credit."

"Hmph. again, too smart for your own good. Now what's this proposal you had in mind?"

I smiled. "We retrieve whatever payment you were promised from Gato's personal funds, with a hefty bonus for emotional damages wrought, of course. Then we take the fee for an A-rank mission, and the rest goes to the land of waves, to help rebuild after Gato's destruction of the ecomony. But where you come into play..."

I took a breath. "I planned on paying the Mizukage a visit. I provide proof that Zabuza 'The Demon' is dead, and I collect a hefty bounty, whereas you'll no longer have to worry about hunter-nins. After that... Show up in Konoha in roughly two.. Maybe three months' time. I'm sure that by then we'd have openings for more skilled shinobi."

...He turned his head and stared at me. Reeaaally creepy.

"...Proof of my death? And what do you mean by that? And why would the Leaf take in missing-nins for their own?"

I smiled. "Your headband and sword should do nicely. And villages always loosen recruiting standards during times of war... And there is a war on the horizon. Many do not see it, but it is coming. I can personally garuntee you'll find a home in Konoha, though it may take some getting used to."

He stared at me, Haku peacefully conked out. (Zabuza knocked him out when he came over, before removing my sword, chucking it to me, and setting his dislocated shoulder back in it's socket)

"And why the hell would you do this for me?"

"Because I know who is controlling Yagura. And I know what their true intent is... And it isn't something that any of the villages can deal with on their own. A group called Akatsuki. And why...? Well, I have a vague idea of what Akatsuki is capable of. You were able to fight with Kakashi on even terms, and that means you're worth bringing on board as an ally. Your comrade, Haku, is the last of the Yuki clan. He has great potential, and it would be a waste for him to never get the opportunity to resurrect his clan."

"...Hmph. I don't see why I should agree to this... But very well. You get the hunters off our trail, and I'll consider it."

He untied his hitai-ate, and tossed it to me. He removed his zanbato from his back, and stabbed it into the ground.

"So just how are you going to fool Yagura into thinking I'm dead...? Without my body he won't believe it."

I grinned. "Remember how I destroyed your water clone? A few shadow clones tackle someone's legs and then incinerates them. The body is reduced to ash, and very little remains of their possessions."

He blinked. "But you'll need a... Body.. To..." He remembered that we were surrounded by bodies. All of them viable.

"..You're a devious little brat, aren't you?" I grinned in reply.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I dragged his sword to a corpse, tied his headband around it's forehead, stood back, and started flicking through handseals, before incinerating it with a fireball jutsu, and roasting it for a good while.

Once the body was nothing but cinders, I walked over, pulled the nearly-destroyed headband off, and plucked the now-ash-covered sword up, dropping the forehead protector in my bag, and hauling the zanbato with me over my shoulder. (It was fucking heavy! How in the hell does that guy carry this thing?!)

"Welp, it's done... Geeze, how do you swing this thing?"

"Heheheheh... Practice."

"Riiight.. Well, once you show up in Konoha, it's yours. I'll do my best to ensure Yagura doesn't take it back for Kiri."

The big man stared at me. "I expect it back in one piece." He then picked up Haku's sleeping form, turned, and with a casual wave of his hand, said, "See ya," and shunshined away. He had the account numbers to one of Gato's rainy-day bank accounts, which he now had free access to. We had the key and combination to his personal safe, as well as the locations of several of his beach houses and hideouts.

..*Sniff* I miss him already... Not.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Kakashi and my teammates stared at me, wondering just who I was, and where Sasuke was taken.

"...What? I just gained us a powerful ally, and a really big bonus check for the squad. Get off my back, eesh. Hell, I just single-handedly ensured the prosperity of this country's economy! Quit staring like I just grew another head!"

...They stared regardless. Bastards.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."_  
- Henry Lewis Mencken, 1880 - 1956

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Self-sacrifice… a nameless shinobi who protects peace from within its shadow…_" -Shisui Uchiha


	9. Chapter 9 Epilouge of Wave

**Naruto; What If**

**Second Arc; Waves**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 9 - A visit to Kiri

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Right after Zabuza's departure, we collectively returned to Tazuna's house, to celebrate. After a short mini-party, some lunch, and general dicking around, the four of us went directly to Gato's hidden forest hideout.

And when we got there, we found it oddly empty... Save for a secretary that sat at a computer, snapping her gum, not even bothering to look up when we walked in. Eh.

We then raided his personal safe, found his financial records, and generally made out like bandits. On our way out, we told the woman that Gato was dead. She shrugged and snapped her gum again.

...Wierd.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Returning to Tazuna's home, he was elated to find sooo much money in a single place. Myself and Kakashi debated over how much to bring back as the fee for an A-rank mission, before settling on a decent amount, along with a little something for the three of us genin, and a sizable bonus for Kakashi himself.

The rest of the money, went to the country itself, to help rebuild and refurnish. It would also fund the bridge repairs, new jobs, and generally stimulate the small economy around here. We would be here for another week and a half, then we would be on our way, back home...

...Not quite. I argued, coerced, and eventually convinced Kakashi to have us take a detour to Kirigakure. It would be a rare chance for us to visit a foreign ninja village, anyway. I also agreed that we would split the bounty for Zabuza evenly amongst the team, including Kakashi.

...Greedy prick.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, after that week and a half, the bridge was completed, and we were setting off on our way. We were at the end of the bridge, gathered with our gear and ready to head out, when Tazuna, Tsunami, Inari, and several of the other Wave citizens were gathered to see us off.

When we were leaving, there was a discussion. What would they name the bridge. They were leaning towards The Great Sasuke Bridge, but I cleared my throat, and said,

"Nah, nah. 'The Great Naruto Bridge' has a better ring to it, yah? Hell, he's the one who did all the inspiring. I just did the gruntwork."

...Needless to say, there was more discussion amongst the group, when Inari suggested, "The Great Naruto and Sasuke Bridge!"

...Well, it stuck like a coat of paint.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Once they'd settled on naming the bridge after myself and Naruto, we set out, heading for Kirigakure. I admit, Kakashi seemed more than a little nervous. Even I was a bit edgy about what I had in mind... But it needed to be done. There was no real alliance between Konoha and Kiri, so there was no issue with what I was doing, so long as Zabuza never got caught before Yagura kicked the bucket.

Not a bad bet, since he's a Jounin. He should be able to keep his head down for a few months. Especially with the money he now has to play with. He'll be able to live comfortably for a few years judging by the number of 0's in the account he had access to.

Anyway... It took us nine and a half hours of walking and riding boats. But we arrived...

At the gates to Kirigakure, the Village Hidden in the Mist.

Of course, being Leaf shinobi, we were stopped at the gate.

"Halt! What are Leaf ninjas doing here in Kiri? State your purpose."

I stepped ahead of Kakashi, being the most tactful. "Oy. I'm here to collect the bounty for Zabuza Momochi."

The guard blinked. And stared at the zanbato I had casually slung over my shoulder. (It was heavy as fuck, nearly over-balancing me... but hey. I could carry it)

"..I'll take that in and collect it for you. Wait here."

He was about to reach for the blade, when I cleared my throat.

"...Much as I'd like to get ripped off for all the hard work I put into killing him, no thank you. I'll collect it myself." Seeing as he was the greedy, corrupt type, I brushed past him and through the open gates, wondering where the Mizukage's office was...

My team caught up with me, having collected the passes allowing us free reign of the village, so long as we didn't enter restricted areas.

I whistled a cheery tune, keeping my eyes open for certain characters. Unfortunately, I didn't see a man with an eyepatch nor a glasses-wearing lad with a massive bundle on his back, so I was SOL for finding my way around.

I did, however, find a Kiri ninja wearing a flak jacket. I waltzed up to him and asked him for directions to the Mizukage's office.

He looked at me like I was an idiot, until he noted the bandana I was wearing, along with the zanbato. And my team trailling behind me.

...Kinda funny.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

He directed up to a square-ish mini-tower thing. Huh. Kinda like an office building. I entered, and found a receptionist waiting... Lovely...

"Hey, now. Is the Mizukage available?"

The woman looked up, a short girl with freckles and blond hair. She took in our headbands and immediately sat up straight. She then pressed a button on an intercom sitting on her desk.

"One moment. Mizukage-sama? You've four visitors from Konoha here to see you. A Jounin and his Genin squad."

"_Very well. Send them in._"

Huh. No waiting? Wierd. He must be doing paperwork.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We marched up the stairs, and I knocked on the door with a plaque on it that said 'Mizukage'

...Real subtle.

"Enter," A calm, polite, gravelly voice called from inside, beckoning us in. I could feel Kakashi shaking in his sandals next to me, dreading the international incident that was about to occur.

Heheh. I opened the door and stepped in, being exceptionally careful of the big-ass sword I was now carting around.

"Hello, Mizukage-sama." He was, indeed, doing paperwork. He was dresed not in the traditional Kage robes, but his personal attire. Hmm.

"Greeting, shinobi of Konoha. It's not everyday that I have visitors from the Leaf. Tell me, what brings you here?" Very polite, very calm, and fairly quiet. Don't let that decieve you. He's a vicious fighter.

I brightened. "I just came by to collect a bounty. One Zabuza Momochi, former Missing-nin, now dead."

If he was surprised, it didn't show. "A Genin collecting a bounty for an A-rank missing-nin? Well, another surprising event. Tell me, how did this occur?"

I shrugged. "He showed up on a C-rank mission that turned into an A-rank. He had been working as muscle for Gato, attemptign to kill a bridgebuilder. We fulfilled out contract, and killed Zabuza in the course of our duty. I figured since we were in the area, I'd collect whatever money his head was worth."

"Hm. That is the blade he took with him when he defected... But you do not have his actual body?"

I chuckled nervously. "Eheh, well, there wasn't anything to bring back. Other than this," I indicated the sword that was now resting on the floor. "And his hitai-ate." I pulled the item in question from my pouch, handing it to Yagura.

"...This is his. Judging from the damage and markings, he was killed by a fire-based technique?"

I nodded. "Yeah.. I tried out one of my 'experimental' jutsu. I tackled him with a half-dozen shadow clones while my team had his attention, before trapping him in several lines of steel wire, before lighting him up with a Dragon Flame jutsu. All that was left were a pile of cinders in his shape, a few kunai, his sword, and that."

"You are entirely sure of his demise?"

I nodded, flicking on my sharingan. "If he survived... He's a real demon. I didn't see him perform and technique or trick that may have saved his life."

Yagura looked to Kakashi. "Hatake Kakashi. Can you confirm this?"

He didn't hesitate. "I can. I, Kakashi Hatake, witnessed with my own eyes that my student, Sasuke Uchiha, killed Zabuza Momochi in the manner described."

"...Very well. The reward for his kill or capture is eighty thousand ryo." The feminine man reached into his desk, retrieving a scroll, opening it, and pulling a pen. Then he starting to write something down on it... I wasn't sure what, but I figured it was a promisory note of some sort.

After he finished writing, he rolled the scroll up, and handed it to me. "Thank you for dealing with him. Turn this in to my secretary for your reward. You may keep his weapon as a keepsake of the battle, if you wish."

I nodded, accepting the scroll. "It was nothing, Mizukage-sama. Thank you for your generosity. If you'll excuse us, we need to return to our village before we're missed."

I hefted the zanbato, carefully placing it flat against my back as I turned to leave, saying as I left, "Good day to you, Yagura-sama."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After exiting, myself and the rest of my team collectively exhaled. We were still alive, and were hopefully going to leave with out wallets full. As we walked down the stairs, I was wondering on what I'd seen...

When I activated my sharingan, I noted that Yagura had two different chakras... And both looked distorted. Contorted, as if ran through a strainer. Hmm... So someone was controlling him... Not good...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

At the bottom of the stairs, I caught sight of something familiar. A head full of bright, blood-red hair exiting the building. Hmm. I turned to Kakashi. "Cash this, I've got something to tend to right quick." I left before he could reply, dashing out the door, aiming to catch up to the woman I'd seen...

Didn't take long. Red hair was fairly uncommon in these parts. When I got closer, I called, "Oy! Aunty Mei!"

Oooooh, I swear, I saw the vein bulge in her temple as she spun, looking pissed off.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING OLD?!" ...

Then she looked left, then right, then down. Right at me.

"Yo. Would you prefer Mei-Neechan?" I smiled, big and bright and innocent. Ohh, I was so full of shit. Good thing my eyes were already brown/onyx. Heheh.

"...And who're you, cutie?" She eyed me like a delicious piece of candy. Like the way Anko looks at Dango. It'd be creepy, if she weren't beautiful and sexy.

"Sasuke Uchiha, at your service. Say, you got a moment to chat, miss Terumi? Preferably in private, if possible?" I still smiled, bright and kindly.

She raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And what would a Leaf Genin want to do with me?"

"Nothing untoward, I promise. No one would want to anger a gorgeous, deadly Jounin such as yourself. Particularly a shining beauty that far outstrips Princess Tsunade in her youth." I just raaaadiated sincerity.

"...Nice try, kid. Flattery didn't get men anywhere, and it's not going to work coming from a child either." Drat.

"Ah, well. I tried. Would you reconsider if I said please? It's nothing petty, I assure you." Despite my kind smile, my tone was no longer childish.

"Hmph.. Alright, I'll bite. Follow me." I followed, acivating my sharingan, watching carefully for anything and everything going on around me... Also making a mental map of where she was leading me, so I could easily get back. Heheh.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

She lead through several twists and turns, through alleys and into a small building on the other side of the village.

Before turning to face me. "Well, what is it?" First things first. I removed the zanbato from my back and leaned it against the wall, rolling my shoulders.

"First off, if there anyone nearby listening it? You're better at detecting that sort of thing than I am." She blinked, looking slightly surprised at my complete heel-face-turn in attitude.

She concentrated for a moment... Then replied, "No one that I can detect. Now what is it you want to talk about?"

"Yagura." She blinked, before her eyes narrowed slightly.

"The Mizukage? What about him?"

I leaned closer, speaking far more softly. "He's being controlled by someone... I'm not entire sure who. His chakra is distorted, as though he's under a very high-level genjutsu."

"What? And how would you know that?" I gave her my sardonic stare, sharingan tripling its effect.

"...Oh. Right. And just why are you telling me this...?"

"Because you're the next Mizukage. Wait. Shit. Err, forget I said that... What I meant to say, is that you're the most likely candidate to replace him." I grinned, but she wasn't buying it.

"And just how would you know that?"

"Err... Genius intuition?"

"..."

"Guesswork?"

"Try again."

"Hmm. How about the fact that my sharingan can see the future?" ...Makes a decent excuse for my fuckup. Whoops.

"...Riiight."

"Probably better if you don't beieve it. But hey. Don't believe me if you don't want to, but watch out for him, in case he starts acting strange. The only thing I know of that can place a genjutsu powerful enough to influence a Kage without their notice is the sharingan. And there are only five people left, including myself, who possess it."

She openly stared at me. "Five... That includes you and Itachi, doesn't it?"

I nodded. "My brother, myself, and Kakashi, my sensei. Kakashi isn't proficient enough in the use of genjutsu, and neither am I. Hell, I only activated my own two weeks ago. Itachi... He might. The other two are Danzo, the old warhawk in Konoha, and... Tobi."

The redheaded woman leaned against one of the walls. "Danzo... One of the councilors, right? He isn't an Uchiha."

I shook my head. "No. He stole several sharingan eyes over the years... It's his darkest secret. He possesses the means to cast such a genjutsu, but... He used it less than ten years ago. He shouldn't be able to use it again for another three."

"Wait. Ten years?"

"Yes. The sharingan has two forms; standard, and mangekyo. the mangekyo is only unleashed through life-threatening circumstances, or the guilt caused by the murder of the person you care most about. Each one is different, unique to it's user... Shisui Uchiha, someone your Ao should be familiar with, lost his eye to Danzo. Its mangekyo allows one to perform a perfect genjutsu that cannot be resisted or detected; but it can only be used once every decade. Danzo has no reason to manipulate the Mizukage, however... That leaves Itachi and Tobi."

"...Who is Tobi?"

"The leader of the organisation Akatsuki. I don't know anything about him other than his name... And I cannot tell you how I know all of this. Take it to heart, or forget ever meeting me. Either way."

"...Why are you telling me this?"

I sighed. "Because you're to be the next Mizukage. Within the next three years. And... Because Akatsuki is going to wage war upon all the hidden villages. How, I do not know. But war looms on the horizon. People simply refuse to see it. And I figure that telling you now might give you a reason to ally with the Leaf when it arrives."

She stared. "You are either insane, or one of the most well-informed Genin on the continent."

I shrugged. "A bit of both, admittedly. If I wasn't insane, I wouldn't have attacked Zabuza Momochi head-on. Say... You wouldn't happen to be related to the Uzumaki clan, would you?"

She blinked and stared some more. "They're distant relatives... My grandmother's sister was an Uzumaki." My ears perks up. Aha.

I brightened. "Hm. Well, could you care to meet one of your cousins?"

...She stared some more. "Well, it couldn't hurt. Is he as cute as you?" Her tone perked up at the end, with only faint lecherous tones.

...MAN, I SO with I were in a slightly older body... I would plow her to the wall!

And then through it! Ha ha!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I retrieved my new zanbato, turned, and started off along the same route she'd lead me through earlier, whistling all the while. After arriving close to the village gates, I caught sight of my team, who all looked more than a little on-edge. When I got within sight, I called,

"Hey, guys!" Que enthusiastic wave, and they all brightened when they saw me. Kakashi did a double-take when he saw who was following me.

"Aw, Sasuke, you shouldn't have! How'd you know what I wanted for my birthday?"

When Mei heard that, her eye twitched. I chuckled, and before we were within earshot of my team, I said, "Don't worry. He may be an open-book pervert, but he's as skilled as they come. He's a gentleman for the most part, but he makes up in strength for what he lacks in tact. You recognise Kakashi Hatake, right?"

She nodded with a wry smirk. "Yeah, I recognise him... One of the Leaf's most dangerous ninjas. And, as you said, an open-book pervert... I catch him staring at my tits, I'm going to murder him."

I shrugged. "He's not as bad as Jiraiya. At least he wouldn't follow you around with a pad and pen, begging you to take your clothes off."

Mei snorted a short laugh. "Well, I suppose there is that... So who was it you meant when you mentioned an Uzumaki?"

"See the dumb-looking blonde? That's him."

"...Huh. Kinda cute."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Welp, once we were properly within speaking range, I did a little introduction. "Guys, this is Mei Terumi, Jounin of Kiri. Say Naruto, you said you were interested in finding out about your family?"

He nodded, looking puzzled. "Yeah, why?"

Mei stepped closer, leaning down, giving the already-blushing boy a massive dose of cleavage. "It's good to finally meet you, cousin. Give Mei-Neechan a hug!" ...She then enveloped the blushing blonde in a crushing hug that had Kakashi and several other nearby males looking jealous.

Naruto? He was once again suffering from mammary suffocation. Heheheheh.

"Mmm! Mm-mn-mmph!" (Aww! Not again!)

"Oooh, you're so cuuute!"

Personally, I was laughing, while Sakura giggled at Naruto's perdicament.

Just as she set a now-woozy Naruto down, Kakashi commented, "Ah, what a shame... She prefers younger men..."

Mei took offense to that. "What, you saying I'm old?!"

I came in with a funnier one. "Actually, you're older than him by a year, Mei. Surprising, since you practically look like Pinky's elder sister."

Kakashi was stunned. "Sh-she's.. Older than me?! He comically looked back and forth between me and Mei, his world shattered.

"Dear Kami, she looks younger than Anko!" (24, twice the age of the Rookie Nine, who are all 12)

I started chuckling even harder. "Say, sensei, if you're that desperate, take off that mask." He blinked. And grinned.

"Good point..." He reached up, and tugged down both his facemasks, looking directly into Mei's eyes...

"I don't suppose you'd be interested in a date, miss Mei...?"

...Now, had this been a normal moment, she might've swooned and said yes, but in this case...

..Mwahahahahahaaa...

Nope!

She covered her mouth and tried to stifle her giggles, but to no avail. She busted out laughing, as did myself and Sakura, along with a nearly-comatose Naruto, who was on the ground.

"...What? What's so funny?!"

Sakura reached into her pouch and pulled out a compact, handing it to Kakashi.

He flipped it open, and saw just what was making us laugh, and made us giggle for the past two weeks whenever we sat down to eat.

...The crude, squiggly moustache drawn on his face in sharpie, along with a penis on each cheek, and a shaded-in chin. (Like he had a goatee)

...I have never before seen him so angry, that he could not form coherent words.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After that, Naruto spoke with Mei for a few minutes, and we started off, heading back home to Konoha, waving to Mei as we left.

...Yeah, Kakashi was still crying half a mile out.

Heheheheheheheheheheh.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."_  
- Henry Lewis Mencken, 1880 - 1956

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Self-sacrifice… a nameless shinobi who protects peace from within its shadow…_" -Shisui Uchiha

_**TO LUNAR WOLF FENRIR; My girlfriend said something similar, once. Though under much different connotations. Heheheheheh.**_


	10. Chapter 10 Begin the Chuunin Exams!

**Naruto; What If**

**Third Arc; Chuunin Exams**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 10 - Begin the TRAINING!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, it's been a week since we returned from Wave Country, and we've been doing nothing but shitty D-Ranks. I've been bored out of my skull, but I'm doing better than Naruto on that account.

I got up early this morning, and once again found Anko squatting on my bed.

"Yo."

I blinked. "Er, yo. Are you going to be making a habit of watching me sleep? No offense, it bring me great joy to have a beautiful woman in my bed, but seriously. It irks me when people put their feet on my clean sheets."

She smirked, looking decidedly amused. "It 'irks' you? Well, that's the first time I've heard someone under the age of fifty use that phrase."

"I'm a very refined individual. So what's the occasion? Oh, by the way, when I was in Wave I got to practice some of the tricks you taught me."

She raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And how did that go?"

I smiled pleasantly. "First guy didn't scream until I stomped his jewels. Tried the old twist-axe-in-gut thing, but he didn't break. Hell, his brother didn't even flinch at that. Second guy gave it right up when I threatened to, and I quote, '_Peel his dick like a bannana_' with a rusty kunai."

The pretty purple-haired vixen busted out laughing, litterally falling off the bed and rolling on the floor with tears streaming down her face.

"Bwahahahahahahahahahahaaa! Aaahahahahahahaa, that's rich! Oh, that's golden!"

"I thought so, too. Hah, you shoulda seen the look on his face when I poked him in the crotch with said kunai. He jumped five feet, and he was tied to a tree with steel wire!"

She giggled for a few more moments, pulling herself up and off the floor. "Man, Ibiki hears that he's gonna have a field day!"

I snorted. "That's not the worst bit. I hung the first guy with the second one's intestines. If I recall, he should still be swinging from that tree." Anko shivvered, an evil little grin on her face.

"Did I ever tell you you're a really fun kid?"

I smiled. "Yep, it was right after we replaced Kakashi's books with hardcore gay pornography."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**At this exact moment in time...**

Kakashi reached over to his bookshelf, retrieving his favorite volume of Icha Icha, from right where he'd left it.

Without even bothering to open his eyes, he flicked it open, and skimmed to chapter seven. He knew this book by feel, smell and the sound of each delicious page...

As he cracked one eye open, giggling at the prospect of reading about the Gutsy Ninja's antics, his eyes were suddenly assaulted with... Images...

Of men. In spandex. Doing manly things. To each other. In a way that men were intended to do to women.

He threw that book across the room so fast you'd think it was on fire as he began hyperventilating, his in-born fear of homosexuals making him feel claustrophobic.

"Aaaarrgh! Damnit! Damn you Anko!"

...He would never look at Might Guy or Rock Lee the same way ever again.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Back with Sasuke...**

I had gotten up and dressed, made a quick breakfast for myself and Anko,(Moocher) before heading out to meet up with my team. Anko went her own way, saying she had things to take care of. Hm. Strange girl, but likable. ...And drop-dead sexy, to boot.

On the way, I stopped by Ichiraku's and picked up two take-out bowls of miso ramen, before continuing on my path.

I got there thirty minutes after the meeting time, finding my teammates sitting around looking bored. I wordlessly handed them each a bowl, sat down, pulled out my sword, and started sharpening it while they ate.

"-Ulp. Thanks, Sasuke-kun. Say, after today's mission do you wanna..."

"No. No dates. Got plans for today. Try asking Rock Lee. He'd be ecstatic."

She stared at me. "Um.. Who's Rock Lee?" Oh. Right. Whoops.

"Er, nevermind. You'll know him when you see him."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Kakashi arrived... Three hours later. Bastard.

"Yo. I got lost."

"STOP LYING WITH A STRAIGHT FACE!" All three of us shouted, and he comically leaned back, as if buffeted by a strong wind.

...Again.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, our mission sucked. We had to...

Wait. Why am I telling you? Believe me, it was boring, tedious, and painful. I'm having flashbacks just thinking about it. 'Nuff said.

Anywho, we were walking back along the way, Naruto on my shoulder, since he'd over-extended himself a bit. Eh, I didn't mind so much, but it was annoying that I was always the one carrying him. Annoying...

Quite suddenly, Kakashi looked up, at a hawk that flew overhead. Then he said his good byes and made a hasty exit, stage left.

Kindof a tipoff to me, but not to the others. Ignorance is bliss, after all...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I turned and left, leaving Naruto and Sakura to deal with the idiot trio. I'd make my entrance later.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I followed them at a distance after Konohamaru made some comment that pissed off Sakura, who in turn attacked Naruto. Then Naruto, Kono and crew ran like hell from a pissed-off pinkette, right around a corner.

And bam. The midget ran into a guy wearing a black puppetteer suit and hood with cat-ears. ...Not to mention purple kabuki makeup. Er, face paint. (It's war paint, damnit!)

...Heheh. Kankuro.

He grabbed Konohamaru by the collar and lifted him up, making threats to pound the little squirt into the ground. I decided to make my presence known.

...With a bang!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I silently drew my sword underhand, formed a seal with my left hand, and shunshined to their position, right behind Kankuro.

I landed in a crouch, completely silent, eyes closed, facing Temari, my sword held behind me with the blade sticking between Kank's legs and angled upward, being held verrry close to his crotch. If he bent his knees even a little, he'd slice his own happy-sack open.

Of course, he didn't notice, but Temari did. Just before she opened her mouth, I said my awesome one-liner.

"Hey, cat-man... Let the kid go, otherwise I'll gut you scrotum to sternum." I gave him juuuust enough time to look down, and realise I wasn't joking.

"NOW, barbie-boy, 'cuz I'm about to sneeze." Now this isn't an idle threat. I wasn't going to, but still. It got my point across.

Now, hot damn, he immediately placed the tyke on the ground, very gently, and said, "Hey, I was only kidding... So could you please..." Konohamaru ran back over to where Naruto and Sakura were, and hid behind them. Can't blame him.

"Right after you apologise. Don't come into someone else's village and threaten the Hokage's grandson. Be glad Asuma isn't here, or he'd have split you open instead of giving you a friendly warning." I slowly opened my eyes, taking in the sight of Temari, who looked fairly shocked, annoyed, and worried. Mostly worried, probably because of Kankuro's stupidity, that there might be an international incident.

"Ah, hello, miss Temari. I take it the crossdresser belongs to you?" She stifled a quiet laugh, before responding,

"Yes, he does. Would you be so kind as to release him? He's more valuable than he looks."

"Hmm... Well, how can I deny the request of such a beautiful desert blossom...? Very well." She blushed deeply, my flattery striking home. I extricated my blade from between Kankuro's legs without unnecessary damage.

Meaning, I very carefuly sliced a gash along the inside of his pants without making a sound. It'd be obvious if he bent over or sat down, though. Heheheheh.

Bringing myself up to my full height, I expertly flipped my blade and sheathed it, calmly observing as Kankuro breathed a sigh of relief. Just as I felt a twinge when he shifted his weight slightly, I felt something even greater.

A massive wave of killing intent, radiating from a tree nearby...

I didn't even look. "Hmm... It seems the third sand sibling has arrived."

At my words, I could hear and feel Kankuro swallow, as fear rolled off him in waves. Eesh, talk about a brother complex.

"Kankuro... You are an embarassment to our village." Gaara's gravelly voice reminded me of Zabuza, as he appeared, hanging upside down from one of the tree's branches.

"G-Gaara... Y'see, they..."

"Shut up.. Or I'll kill you." His tone brokered no arguement, and I could very well understand that there was a reason the redheaded boy was feared. Hmm. Both of the older siblings started apologising profusely... More to Gaara than to us. Strange.

"My apologies for my sibling's actions."

"No harm was done, so it's fine. So you're Gaara of the desert... Hm. Somehow I thought you'd be taller. I take it you three are here for the Chuunin Exams, then?"

Temari nodded, still looking scared. Kankuro looked about ready to piss himself, but I figured the only reason he didn't was because he'd pissed earlier.

Gaara shunshined down next to his teammates, and stood.

...He was kinda short. That gourd was nearly bigger than he was. "You... what's your name?" The redhead asked, staring holes in me.

"Who, little old me? Well, I'm nobody, really... But my name is Sasuke Uchiha."

Gaara didn't react in the slightest, but I could tell his interest was piqued.

"Hey, wait! You don't wanna know my name?" Naruto practically shouted, once again unable to read the mood, and having no concept of indoor voices.

"Not in the slightest. Temari, Kankuro, let's go."

And all three of them shunshined away, leaving us to stand here and look puzzled.

While Naruto and Konohamaru sat and muttered, looking depressed, I cast my gaze to the trees...

...Until I saw the three sound nins, watching. I crossed my eyes and stuck my tongue out at them, getting an unexpected reaction from two of the three. The girl facepalmed, whereas the guy with spiky hair facefaulted.

...And fell out of the tree. Dumbass.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We went and met up with Kakashi, who was late, as usual. When he got there and made some lame-ass excuse, we all called him a liar. Then he handed us the application forms for the Chuunin Exams.

...Naruto, being Naruto, ran over and tackle-hugged him, proclaiming his love for his sensei.

Dumbass.

After he extricated Naruto from his person, I pulled my lazy sensei aside before he could disappear.

"Oy, sensei. Before we take the exam, I want you to teach me something."

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And what's that?"

"Your original technique. Chidori."

...He stared at me, unblinking.

"You want me to teach you an A-rank assassination jutsu... for what?"

I looked left, then right, and leaned close, speaking softly. "Orochimaru is going to attack the village during the exam. I've already warned the Hokage. He's after the sharingan, so you, Danzo, and myself are his prime targets. And since I'm the weakest, I'm the one he'll go after. I'd rather have something that can actually hurt someone of his calibur on-hand if he really shows up."

My sensei stared at me, hard. "...You're sure? And how did you find out about this?"

"My father kept reconds on all missing-nins. He'd captured one of his spies and personally interrogated him... And found out that the snake bastard intends to attack during one of the Chuunin Exams. I'm assuming it's this one, since it's the first one that the Sound village is participating in. And before you ask, Orochimaru is the Kage of the Hidden Sound."

"...I'll take this information to the Hokage before I make any decisions... But I will teach you the Chidori. However, I doubt you can master it in a single week."

I grinned. "Watch me."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."_  
- Henry Lewis Mencken, 1880 - 1956

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Self-sacrifice… a nameless shinobi who protects peace from within its shadow…_" -Shisui Uchiha


	11. Chapter 11 TRAINING and Down Time

**Naruto; What If**

**Third Arc; Chuunin Exams**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 11 - MORE Training

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"**Watch me.**" ...Those were my exact words. And damn, was I regretting them. I summoned four shadow clones, and still, figuring out the Chidori was a cast-iron bitch. I was getting it, and I could use a very, VERY crude, bastardized version by simply copying Kakashi's handseals and building up a fuckton of chakra.

Instead of remaining in the palm of my hand, it flowed outward, looking like a massive sawblade made of chakra. It was scary as fuck to anyone watching, but not too good for combat. Jamming it against a tree resulted in a wide, shallow burned area, instead of burning all the way through.

Sigh...

It was only the second day, so I was good to go on time. I'd have it down pat in another day or two, but still. I wanted time to tease Naruto, Hinata and Tenten! Gaaah!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Four days later...**

...I had it. I finished mastering it. I could use Chidori as well as Kakashi.

...Almost. What impressed Kakashi was how many times I could use it; four. The same as him, including the sharingan and other lower-level techniques. I'd been consciencely cycling my own chakra since Wave, and my chakra control and reserves have increased exponentially. Not to mention my physical strength...

I was able to swing my sword with one hand as quick as a kunai, twirl it between my fingers, and make mincemeat of any target. I suppose I've gotten tougher, too, since I barely felt most of the blows Naruto rained down during our last sparing session. Hot damn, I felt awesome.

I also had a pretty good idea of what to do for the exams... Naruto and I would both create four shadow clones each, one to act as one of the procters, and three to act as a full genin squad. Which, would each cheat their asses off and get kicked out, dispelling once they were outside and relaying the information they'd gathered to us. I could also just copy whatever one of the other wrote with my eyes, but that would be cheating.

...Nyehehehehehehehaah.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After my last day of working on refining the technique, I decided to spend my remaining free time dicking around and having fun.

"Now... Where's Hinata... Following Naruto, of course. And he'll be training right about now..."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I made my way to the training field, and started searching. I didn't have to look far. I followed the sound of fist-on-wood.

...And I didn't mean for that to sound like a masturbation euphemism. Damnit.

Welp, I found him. Punching a padded log. And...

Hmm... Aha! There she was! Hiding behind a tree, watching Naruto...And she hadn't noticed me yet. Mwahahahahah. I gots an idea.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I meandered over to where Naruto was, making a point to not look towards Hinata. When I got close, I said, "Yo, Naruto."

"Hey, Sasuke. What's up?" He paused in his training, turning towards me.

I leaned close and whispered, "Wanna see something cool?" He quirked an eyebrow, looking puzzled, but he nodded.

I pulled him aside, around one of the trees, and summoned two shadow clones. One transformed into Naruto, the other one started walking off in the direction I'd come from, whereas the disguised one went back to work training.

"Shh, now follow me...Stay stealthy..."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We quietly stalked through the trees in a very roundabout manner, finally coming full circle, a mere few feet away from Hinata. We also had a good view of my Narto clone.

I whispered, "See? She is stalking you. Now watch this..."

My shadow clone stopped punching the log, wiped the sweat from his brow, turned and dropped to the ground, leaning against the log post, breathing quietly for a moment.

Before he unzipped his jacket, removing the orange garment, tossing it aside. A moment later, we heard a zipper coming undone, and the clone removed his pants.

Then... He pulled off his green boxers, at which point I clapped a hand over Naruto's mouth, furously whispering, "Shush! Watch Hinata!"

He growled against my hand, but complied, and noticed something. Hinata had a hand down the front of her pants. And she was breathing hard, blushing bright red. Weh-heh-hell. I'll be a monkey's uncle.

She was touching herself, watching as the Naruto clone also began touching himself. (I'd let my artistic nature get the better of me. When the clone transformed, it gave Naruto a 9-inch schlong, so as to surprise Hinata and get her really dripping)

I very carefully removed my hand, and asked, "So...Now do you doubt she has a crush on you?"

He shook his head, cheeks burning. "No... But why..."

I grinned. Big, wide, toothy and macabre.

"Wanna surprise her?"

He whipped his head around and stared at me. Then returned my grin. "Hell yeah..."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

As the Hyuuga heiress diddled herself silly, Naruto and I snuck right up behind her, before Naruto loudly asked, "Uhh, Hinata, what're you doing?"

"EEP!" she spun, face as red as... Well. It could be seen from orbit. I'll leave it at that.

"N-n-n-n-n-NARUTO! W-w-w-why... How... Huh..." She turned her head back, and saw that Naruto was no longer whacking off next to the training log. And she'd just been watching him...

Sasuke stood there, snickering. "Geeze, Hinata, if you were that frustrated, why didn't you just say so?" She had yet to extricate her hand from her panties, so he was finding that rather funny.

Naruto gave his friend a half-hearted glare. "Ignore him, Hinata. Are you alright? Are you feeling unwell? You look a little hot..." He reach out, placing a hand on her forehead, as if checking her for a fever.

"Ah-ah-ah-Ahhhn!" ...And she orgasmed, right then and there, his touch sending her over the edge, just before she collapsed in a dead faint of orgasmic bliss.

"...Geeze, and here I thought she'd pass out the moment she turned around... Guess I owe you lunch."

"Hah! Yeah, she's getting better about that... Umm, does she do this often...?"

I shrugged. "The stalking, yes. Masturbating while watching you? Fuck if I know. All I do know, is that I'm not taking her back to the Hyuuga estate with her pants soaked in her own fluids."

Naruto shuddered. "...Me neither. I don't wanna die yet. Got any ideas?"

"...One."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Hinata stirred, her wonderful dream coming to an end, as she opened her eyes, feeling ungodly comfortable, snuggled against something warm and soft...

Wait... Warm...

The young Hyuuga turn her head, trying to figure out where she was. She saw orange. Lots of orange. And then she found out why...

She was curled up against her crush, Naruto Uzumaki, his jacket zipped up around the both of them. And he was... Asleep... Holding her in his arms, keeping out the cold...

...Oh, what she would give to stay like this forever... Or have some earmuffs to put over his ears so she could... 'relieve' herself again. He'd already caught her.. Or did he? Was that even real...

Just then, her crush stirred, and opened his eyes. "Hi, Hinata-chan. Sleep well?"

'Don't faint, don't faint, don't faint...' "Y-y-y-yes, N-n-Naruto-kun... Um... What... H-happened?"

"Oh. I was training when Sasuke came to tell me something. He said I had a stalker and we looked all around trying to find him. Then we found you.. Erm, enjoying yourself. I won't tell anyone, I promise. Then you passed out, and Sasuke said it wouldn't be a good idea to take you home unconscience, and... I thought you'd get cold if we just left you there, so..."

"Th-th-thank you, N-Naruto-k-kun..."

"Aw, don't mention it. Say, you wouldn't have happened to see anyone who's been following me, have you?"

"W-w-w-w-w-w-w-well I-I-I j-just uh-um..."

"Huh? Hinata? Is something wrong? Your face is all red again..." He reached up again, laying a hand on her forehead...

*Fwump*

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA What a chump!" Sasuke cackled maniacally, falling out from behind a tree, clutching his sides.

"Oh, my spleen!"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

*Knock, Knock*

Hiashi Hyuuga was already on his way out, so he went straight to the front door, opening it. The sight that greeted him was anything but expected.

"Hiya, Hiashi-San. I believe this belongs to you?" A young, smiling, Sasuke Uchiha and Naruto Uzumaki stood on his doorstep, carrying his daughter. They held her horizontally; Naruto held her upper half, whereas Sasuke supported the legs.

His daughter's face was still bright red... She'd fainted again.

Hiashi sighed, lifting his daught out of their arms. "Thank you, boys. ...If I find her virtue has been tainted, I will castrate both of you."

Both boys grinned, an unexpected response.

"Believe us, Hiashi-San, the only virtues that have been tainted are our own!" They both said, at the exact same time, in the exact same chipper tone, before they both turned and started running.

"...I'm going to need a drink."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, prank aside, we went by Ichiraku's and I paid for our meal.

...Damnit...

While we ate, we discussed ninja stuff.

"Sho, Hinata reawy wikes me... Ulp."

"Uh-huh. Go up and ask her out after the Exams. Otherwise, I will."

He looked at me. "Ask her out, or do it for me? Which one?"

"...That depends on how badly you fuck up. I'll prank the fuck out of you if you anger me."

"...And how the hell would you do that?" I had an idea.

"I'll trick her into raping you. With an audience. Effectively forcing you to date and marry her, otherwise the Hyuuga would hunt you down."

...He gulped, staring at me with a newfound level of respect and fear. I looked at him and smiled.

"But hey! That just means they'll throw you two together and force you to boink like rabbits! Plus you'd get a sweet dowry and a new place to live. One that isb't a tiny appartment that reeks of ramen."

"Hey! Ramen smells good!"

"...I admit, it does. And it beats the scent of wet dog." We both started chuckling at this, as it had become our household joke about Kakashi.

Now, I've no problem with the Inuzukas, but yeah. They all smell like dogs. Litterally. After it rains, eugh. You can smell 'em a mile off. And we joke about Kakashi because we know for a fact that he's currently boning Tsume, the matriarch of the Inuzuka clan. So yes, we make fun of him for that, not because of who he's fucking, but because he has the disposition of a dog, and smells like an Inuzuka every morning.

Dog-breath is our common nickname for him, right after scarecrow. Gets a few chuckles.

Hmm...

"So, what're we going to do about the Exams?"

"What about 'em?"

"Any plans, ideas, strategies, ect?"

"Nah. We don't know what the tests are, right? So no point wasting time when we could be training."

I smirked. "The first is a written test. Second is mission-based survival. Third is single combat, as it always has." He stared at me.

"Eheh. I know a few of the proctors..."

"...Anything more specific?"

"Yeah. The written test isn't based on knowledge. It's for information gathering." I grinned. "I have a cunning plan..."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Don't you always..."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**The next day... The day of the exam.**

Myself, Naruto, and Sakura had our bags on our backs, with enough supplies for two weeks. We'd be good to go for anything. In particular, we each brought more than enough medical supplies, along with soldier pills for dealing with more frequent fighting. I ensured that we were all prepared for the worst.

We made our way to the building for the first exam...

Inside, we moved onto the second floor, and saw two dooks guarding the door to room 301.

...And the entire thing was a genjutsu. Those two dorks were both Chuunin.

Seeing a crowd, I found an opportunity for mischief, just as Rock Lee seemed to get his ass kicked.

"Oy, oy! What're all you idiots doing here on the SECOND floor? The exam's on the next one up. Hey, Kotetsu, Izumo! Quit screwing with the Genin."

Both disguised Chuunin stared at me, before dispelling their transformations.

"Well, guess the genius saw through our little test..."

I rolled my eyes. "Test? Whatever, desk jockey. C'mon, guys, let's get to the test room before they disqualify us."

I turned and started back for the stairwell, only to be called by someone else.

"Hey. You. What's your name?"

I turned my head, glancing back at the arrogant prick.(Neji)

"Why do you care? Your 'fate' means you can't lose no matter who you face... Right, Neji?" His eyes widened, and I saw Tenten look between the two of us nervously, whereas Lee looked contemplative.

I turned back, continuing on my way, no longer paying any mind to him.

Fuck that arrogant little shit.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We went up another floor, cut through another room, when Lee caught up with us.

"Sasuke! Fight me!"

"Eh?" I turned and looked up, where he was leaning over one of the rails.

"Fight you? Why?"

He jumped down, landing in a crouch. "Because I wish to test myself against the genius Uchiha. My name is Rock Lee. It is polite to give one's own name before asking that of another, isn't it?"

Uh-huh, right. Hm. Wonder if I can keep up with his speed... I could outmatch Haku, and he was lightning-fast. What to do...

"Well, it's nice to see that you've got better manners than your teammate. Hmm... Well, I'm not against a friendly spar."

"Hey! What is it with everyone trying to challenge you?!" I removed my rucksack and bauldric,(Harness for my sword) and tossed them to Naruto.

"Because Uchiha's a big name. And because even the guys want me..."

Naruto snorted a laugh, whereas Sakura shook her head, stifling a giggle.

...And then Lee tried to flirt with her.

"I would also like to win the affections of the pink-haired angel."

He winked and blew a kiss at Sakura, which she dodged with comical overreacting.

"Gaaah! Those freaky eyebrows!"

...Personally, I was chuckling more at her antics than Lee's. He was trained by Might Guy, after all.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I stepped forward, cracking my neck, flicking my sharingan on.

"Alright. C'mon, Lee. Show me the difference between hard work and natural genius."

I smiled, switching into my personal hand-to-hand stance.

"Sorry if I'm a bit rusty. Haven't had to fight barehanded in ages."

He rushed forward, ducking low. I could see...

Sweep-kick. I quickly stepped aside, watching to see what he would do next...

Shit!

He was in my face, a leg coming around, right about to...

I ducked down, quick as a lick, and charged forward, thrusting my shoulder into his gut.

He hopped backward, not even winded. Hmm...

He was still a bit quicker than me, even with his weights on. This would be difficult.

"Hmm... You're even faster than Kakashi." I observed, watching him carefully.

"Thank you. I've trained hard to gain this speed... You're quite skilled yourself, to be able to keep up with me."

"Hah, I wouldn't go that far. You're wearing weights, and you're still faster than me. I admit, without a weapon or jutsu, I haven't much chances of beating you. Guy has trained you well."

He smiled. "Thank you for your kind words. Shall we continue?"

"If you please." I moved, straight ahead.

He followed suit, both of us going at each other head-on, going blow for blow, fist for fist, kick for kick.

'_Left... Right.. High! Duck! Low. Low, low again, dodge! Good, good... Look him in the eye... Right hook! Counter! Trap!_'

He swung right, I stepped into his guard, trapped his arm, bringing my knee into his gut.

As he doubled over, I dropped low, forcing myself to lean and fall backwards...

Bringing Lee along for the ride of his life.

"Soo-Pah Suplex!" Naruto shouted, recognising my signature joke move for knocking out unwitting shadow clones.

Lee's heack cracked against the tiled floor, and his body slumped over for a moment...

Only a moment. He twisted in my grip, somehow bringing his leg around, landing a SOLID HIT to my jaw.

Ow. OW.

I was staggering back, feeling my jaw and resetting it, checking for broken or missing teeth. None. I was all systems copacetic.

I went back into my stance, observing as he stood back up, rubbing his head.

"That was really good. I'll have to remember that for later."

"It helps if you pigstick 'em at the same time. Nice kick, by the way. Are you a bloody contortionist?"

"No, I stretch a lot."

...Right.

And we were back at it, going back and forth, trading hit for miss, dodge for block, blow for blow. Frankly... I was having the time of my life. It's not everyday you get to cut loose and fight till you drop.

Still. I was getting tired... He truely was Guy's student. He hasn't slowed a bit. I overextended myself, and he got under my guard, kicking straight up, catching me on the chin.

...And I felt myself rising...

OH. SHIT.

"This, is the difference between us..." I heard him say, before I did my damndest to twist in midair, ignoring the pain in my jaw, as I socked him in the gut, pushing myself away from him before he managed to catch me in those bandages...

"LEE! ENOUGH!" Quite suddenly... Lee was jerked to a halt in midair, then started falling. I, too, noticed that I was dropping...

And shifte my weight, flipping as I fell, landing on one knee, before pushing myself to my feet.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Hot damn! I haven't had a fight that good in years." I said as I stretched, working out the kinks in my sore muscles.

I walked over to Naruto and retrieved my gear as both he and Sakura stared at the ninja turtle that was berating Lee. After getting my sword and stuff attatched, I took note of Lee.

...Poor bastard.

Suddenly... There was a mighty bright flash of light, followed by a puff of smoke, just as Might Guy appeared on the turtle's shell, in some weird-ass pose.

...He may be strong, he may be a great guy, but he is weird as fuck.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."_  
- Henry Lewis Mencken, 1880 - 1956

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Self-sacrifice… a nameless shinobi who protects peace from within its shadow…_" -Shisui Uchiha


	12. Chapter 12 The First Test!

**Naruto; What If**

**Third Arc; Chuunin Exams**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 12 - Let the Exams BEGIN!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...Might Guy, the Beautiful Blue Beast of Konoha. Green beast would be more fitting.

...And he appears riding on a ninja turtle.

W.

T.

F.

"Eew... He's got even thicker eyebrows!"

"Whoa! I think one of them just moved..."

"HEY! Stop insulting Guy-sensei!" Lee defended his teacher, looking enraged for a few moments.

"LEE!" Guy shouted, getting his mini-me's attention.

"Oh. Yes, Sensei!"

*WHAM!*

...And punched him in the face harder than I did.

Owch.

"YOU FOOL!"

On the floor, pulling himself up, he muttered, "Sensei..."

"Lee..." Guy knelt by his prostrate student.

"Sensei.. I...I..." He had blood coming out of his mouth from the punch.

Both of them had tears streaming down their faces. "THAT"S ENOUGH, LEE. YOU DON"T NEED TO SAY ANYTHING MORE."

"Guy-Sensei!"

...And they embraced. In a father-son kinda way.

...Except they were both wearing spandex, crying.

...Really fuckin' wierd, man.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After they got over their moment of bonding, they both stood, and Guy announced, practically shouted, "LEE! You started a fight, and nearly broke one of my rules! For that, your punishment will take place after the exams!"

"Yes, Guy-Sensei!"

"FIVE HUNDRED LAPS AROUND THE PRACTICE RANGE!"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...As we watched, Naruto commented, "That's insane... Wonder if they can even finish that."

Suddenly, Guy looked over at us. "Hey, you guys! How's Kakashi?"

Naruto looked puzzled. "You know our sensei?"

...Suddenly... As if he'd never been there... Guy vanished. No smoke, no movement, just, gone.

Even with my sharingan active... I didn't see him move. Holy shit... He's fast...

I turned my head, looking at Guy, who was now behind us.

"WHOA!" Naruto shouted, jumping.

"Gah! When did you get here?!" Sakura echoed, equally freaked.

"Hm. Kakashi wasn't kidding. You're more than three times as fast as he is." Nowadays, my sharingan can somewhat keep up with Kakashi... To an extent. I still lose track of him every few moments. But Guy... Hell, no. I didn't even see him tense up to move that fast. He's a monster...

"HA HA! So my eternal rival has spoken of me. 50 wins, 49 losses. I'm STRONGER than Kakashi!" ...I didn't doubt it. Even without the gates, he is nearly unstoppable. He can fight Itachi on even terms, and could probably give Jiraiya some serious trouble. Between Might Guy and Tsunade, it's a toss-up on which one is more destructive.

...But I'd lean towards Guy, considering he's never used the Eighth Gate. If he did...

...There would be nothing that could stand in his way.

I offhandedly wondered how he would be viewed if he didn't wear that green monstrocity...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After Guy and Lee started off, we turned, and started for the classroom.

"...You see his hands?"

"Yeah." I answered Naruto's query while Sakura looked between us.

"He must've trained hard to get that kind of strength..."

"Harder than anyone else. He's like you, Naruto; he doesn't know how to give up."

"Heh. Sounds a lot like someone we both know..."

I smiled, just as I shoved the double doors open. "Damn straight."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We walked down the hallway, until we found Kakashi leaning on the wall next to room 301.

"Oh... So Sakura came, too. Now you can take the exam properly..."

"Huh? What do you mean, Sensei?" Pinky asked, tilting her head.

"The exam can only be taken by teams of three."

"...Then why didn't you tell us that?"

"Because Naruto and Sasuke would have pressured you into taking it. This isn't the kind of event you can finish if your heart isn't in it." He did his signature eye-smile.

"But you came for the test regardless. I'm proud of you. All of you. Good luck."

I grinned. "No such thing as luck, remember?"

"Heh. Guess not. Try not to die, then."

...And he shunshined, disappearing from view. I lead my team to the doors, and shoved them open, stepping into the bright, flourescent light...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...And we found what looked to be around a hundred Genin from all the different villages in a large lecture room, sitting, squatting, laying, standing, and generally killing time. Hm.

Just after taking a customary look around, I sensed something...

..And I was tackle-hugged from behind.

"Sasuke-kun! You're late!"

...Bloody hell...

"Ino... Get offa me... You're heavy..."

"Get off him, you harpy!"

I felt the blonde girl shift, removing one of her arms to make a face at Sakura.

"He will be mine! Blehhh!"

...Fucking mature, yah?

I subtley undid the buckle that kept the strap that went under my right arm in place, and grabbed the hilt of my sword.

"Hey, Ino. This is your stop."

"Huh?"

Ino didn't know what hit her until she hit the floor. I leaned forward, pulled my sword over my shoulder, and threw her off me and over my shoulder, ass over tea-kettle.

"Waah!" *Thump-whunk-clunk!*

...I then readjusted my bauldric, and redid the underarm strap.

After I was done with that, I turned my attention back to the angry blonde that was in my face. Just as she opened her mouth, someone interrupted.

"Subtle... I'm pretty sure that's a rejection, Ino." Shikamaru Nara commented, walking over, hands in pockets, closely followed by Choji, who was munching on some BBQ chips.

...I was kinda hungry, now that I think about it...

"Huh? You guys made it, too?" Naruto asked, looking over at newest generation of Ino-Shika-Cho.

"Shut up, Shika!" Ino responded to her teammates jibe, blushing with anger.

"Hey, I told you it was your stop. Besides... I already have a girlfriend." I snaked an arm around Sakura's waist, pulling her against me with a grin.

...Using my skills as a ventriloquist, I quietly whispered into her ear, without moving my mouth, "Play along, and I'll take you on a date after the exams."

Sakura took full advantage of the moment, pulling herself closer and leaning against me. "Sorry, Ino. Better luck with the next one."

...Oh, she looked like she was about to bust a gasket. But she didn't get the chance.

"Wahoo! There you guys are!" Kiba was walking over, Akamaru giving a short bark from atop his head. Hinata was pressing her fingers together, a slight blush darkening her cheeks, whereas Shino looked the same as ever.

Aha. "Yo, Kiba!"

"Geeze... You guys, too?" Shikamaru complained, looking over at the approaching Team 8.

"I see... Guess all the rookie 9 are here. Wonder how far we'll get... Eh, Sasuke?" Kiba observed, looking over the assembled rookies.

"I'd say that four of us will make it to the finals, with the rest conking out either in the preliminaries or during the second test."

"H-hi, Naruto-kun..." Hinata greeted Naruto, looking down slightly, her cheeks darkening.

I subtley nudged Naruto with my elbow. And by subtley, I mean it was very obvious, and made him yelp. "Ow! Yeah, yeah... Hey, Hinata-chan. It's good to see you again." He grinned and rubbed the back of his head. (His other hand was rubbing his flank, where I'd elbowed him. Half of the other rookies sweatdropped when I did that, chuckling at the interactions between the two soon-to-be lovers. At least, I hope it's soon... Eesh, if they keep dancing around each other, I'm gonna get dizzy)

"Hey, you're all rookies, right? Fresh out of the academy, no less... You shouldn't draw so much attention to yourselves." A new voice called out, from a short ways away.

I turned and looked, observing as Kabuto started to approach.

Hmph. Fuck this pest. My sharingan flared to life as I fully faced him, one hand grasping the hilt of my sword. I shifted my feet, putting myself into a stance, ready to draw and cut him to ribbons. "Fuck off, Kabuto." My tone was like flint, harsh and heavy.

His eyes widened, and he raised his hands in a non-threatening gesture. It just pissed me off. "Well, aren't you friendly?"

"I know exactly who, and _what_, you are. I'll have nothing to do with _snakes _like you. I don't give a damn if you can match Kakashi; one more step, and I'll tear you apart." (I placed extra emphasis on the words 'what' and 'snake'... He was a Jounin. He knew what I meant) His expression never changed... But the look in his eyes did.

The venom in my voice hadn't been heard before by any of the other rookies, some of which took a step away from me. The only one who stayed at my side was Naruto, who knew that if I was against someone, it was for damn good reason. He carefully eyed Kabuto, a slight look of mistrust in his features.

"Well... I'll just be on my way, then." He turned and started off in a different direction, heading for two others in similar outfits. I didn't relax until he was out of earshot.

I didn't turn off my dojutsu, even as I turned to the others.

"Do not, under any circumstances, trust him, or his teammates. And if any of you run into the team from Suna during the test, run the hell away. The redheaded guy with the gourd is a monster."

I was met with stares from all eight Genin.

"...What the hell are you talking about? And what do you mean, a monster?" Kiba asked, looking thoroughly confused.

"He can control massive amounts of sand; you get caught in it, he'll crush you to death within moments. Kabuto... Isn't someone you can put your back to. Ever. As far as I know, he's a spy for another village. Don't believe me if you don't want to, but just be careful. All of you. We may be enemies during the test, but we are still Leaf shinobi. And I don't want to see any of you getting killed." I may be ruthless, but I believe in that sentiment; your friends, your comrades, are your brothers.

One might die to protect someone they don't even know... But it's only the people you care about that you would live for.

I looked back and forth between all the rookies. "Just because I'm not the nicest guy around doesn't mean I don't care... Sensei once said that those who disregard the rules are trash, but those who would abandon their comrades are less than trash. I firmly believe that." Naruto and Sakura both nodded, conviction in their eyes.

Hinata gave a slight nod, seeing that if Naruto believed in something...

Kiba shook his head, saying, "Man... Did you pull that outta your ass? You sure you're not the next Hokage?" This got a few chuckles.

Shino adjusted his glasses, but said nothing. Shikamaru and Choji looked at one another. Then shrugged. Ino looked at her teammates and sighed, going along regardless.

"QUIET DOWN YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE SHITS!" ...And heeeeeeere's Ibiki.

*POOF!* Ibiki and the entire T&I department appeared in a massive puff of smoke, all of them standing there, trying to look badass. While everyone's attention was momentarily on them, myself and Naruto covertly summoned 4 shadow clones each, which all transformed into different people instantly, using the Rookie 9 as cover.

As most everyone looked shocked, afraid, and generally about to piss themselves,(Most Leaf Genin excluded) I raised my arm high, waving extravagantly.

"HI, IBIKI!"

...The massive, scarred man facepalmed, sighing.

'Why do I always get the show-offs...'

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...Several Genin turned and stared at me, thinking I was insane. This was also a cover, allowing our shadow clones to move and hide amongst the crowd.

"Yes... Hi, Sasuke. Alright, all of you, we'll be changing your seating arrangements. Each of you come and get a tab, and sit according to the number. Now... There will be no fighting unless the examiner allows it, and there is to be no killing regardless, or it will be an automatic failure."

...The line moved slowly, with all of us eventually getting a tab and sitting in a random seating pattern. Then Ibiki went over the test rules, blah, blah, blah...

Something about a point system... Anywho, I'd already informed Naruto and Sakura about the test, so they'd be good to go. Sakura would ask to go to the bathroom forty minutes in, and my shadow clone, transformed into a woman, would accompany her there and give her a folded sheet with all the answers it had written down. Then she'd either memorize them and rewrite them on her own paper.

Naruto would have his three shadow clones obviously cheat and copy off of others, ensuring that they'd get caught and kicked out. Once outside, they would dispell, and he would learn all that they had. My shadow clones would do the same. (I informed him about that ability some time ago)

The other thing... Both of us also created a clone to pose as one of the proctors, to freely cheat for us. Mine, the female, also disqualified a team from Iwa. It was rather funny.

What was funnier, was Naruto's way of learning what his clone had learned. The clone, disquised as a male proctor with a tattooed face, stood up, turned around, and started mooning everyone, shouting, "Hi, I'm Mizuki! I like butts! Do you like butts?"

...Followed by some very realistic farting noises, and punctuated by a very, very, VERY wet one. Causing everyone on the dangerous end of that ass to lean as far away as possible and cover their faces, hoping they would not soon be covered in feces.

Now this baffled most of the proctors, except Ibiki. He snorted a short laugh, then skewered the clone with a kunai, and it disappeared with a *Poof!*

...Needless to say, there were many chuckles and giggles all around. It was a damned good trick. My own shadow clone created a distraction for Lee and Tenten. I noticed the mirror she had hung on the ceiling, using sleight of hand. Lee was about to adjust his headband, when my remaining shadow clone (The other three had gotten caught on purpose after getting all the necessary answers) farted. Loudly. While pretending not to notice the two-minute continuous fart she emmitted. The two other proctors sitting next to her scooted their chairs away. As far as they could.

...Needless to say, no one saw Lee looking at the mirror and copying Tenten's answers.

When she appeared to just then notice everyone staring, she looked up and said, "What? Instead of staring, you could be using that as a distraction. Idiots." ...And then went back to writing down whatever she'd been copying. I was damned proud of my clone's ability to improvise.

Well... Forty-five minutes in... Sakura had just returned from the bathroom and sat down, when Iniki finally announced the tenth question.

"You may choose whether or not to take this tenth question...But those that do not, will automatically fail. If you answer this one incorrectly, you will never be permitted to become a Chuunin."

I coughed. Loudly.

"Ahehehem. Er, no offense, but you have no authority to make that claim, Ibiki. The Hokage is the one who handles decisions like that, and you've even less influence over the promotions of other villages' ninja. Er, also, could you have the goon by the thermostat turn down the heat? Feels like a sauna in here..." Several of the Genin looked over to where Kotetsu stood, right by the door, next to a small device on the wall, who looked sheepish.

...After he turned off the furnace, Ibiki addressed me. "And what makes you so sure of that claim?"

I stared at him. "Uh, the fact that you'd have to be a dickless, idiotic, gullible dumbass to fall for that. Besides, if you're too scared to take a question, then you've no place being a shinobi in the first place. And come on! We're ninjas, for shit's sake! Lame scare tactics like this shouldn't even phase us!"

...Ahahahahahahahaha! I was getting glared at by sooooo many people.

Ibiki sighed, then said, "No one else, then? No one not taking the question? ...Very well. You all pass."

"Called it!"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Quite suddenly... The window to Ibiki's right smashed open, and in flew something beige. It hit the floor, then flew open, a massive banner staking itself to the ceiling, as a woman with purple hair and a beige trench coat announced,

"Now's not the time for celebrating! I'm Anko Mitarashi, proctor for the second part of the exam!"

Of course...

"HI, ANKO-NEECHAN!"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Self-sacrifice… a nameless shinobi who protects peace from within its shadow…_" -Shisui Uchiha


	13. Chapter 13 The Second Test!

**Naruto; What If**

**Third Arc; Chuunin Exams**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 13 - The Second Test!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"HI, ANKO-NEECHAN!"

Anko facepalmed, then looked over to where I was sitting, waving my arm high in the air.

Then she returned the gesture. "HI, SASUKE-KUN!"

...Drat, I've been outmaneuvered.

I let my arm come back down, and she herself stopped waving, chuckling.

"Now, before we begin- Huh? Ibiki, you let this many of them pass?! Geeze. We'll cut 'em in half in the second test." Several of the Genin reacted to that, a sense of forboding falling upon them... Or it would if not for the banner. Heheh. I wondered who was behind it.

"Huhuh, well, they're a tough bunch. Not to mention your boyfriend over there playing the entire thing for laughs."

Anko blinked, then turned to look at me. I grinned, nice and big.

"...Oookay. Are there any questioned before we move on to the second test?"

One kid raised his hand. "Yeah. Did you design that banner yourself?"

Anko grinned. "Yes. Yes, I did."

The kid raised an eyebrow. "Is that really something you want to advertise?"

Anko stopped grinning. Then turned, looked up, and stared at what was written on her banner.

**'Anko Mitarashi, Slutty Shinobi Extrordinair! First virginity lost: Anal'**

"...I'm gonna kill him. Gonna fuckin' kill 'im." She growled, gritting her teeth as her cheeks burned bright red.

...She was vibrating. Shaking. Oh-ho-ho, whoever did that... He wasn't going to live for much longer.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Kakashi Hatake sneezed, then sniffed, rubbing his nose.

"Someone's talking about me... Hmm... I wonder if Anko found her... 'Surprise' yet... Heheheh. Greatest night of my life, that was... Payback for swapping my books, bitch."

He walked on, chuckling darkly, happily reading his coveted smut, which he now carried with him at all times.

...He suddenly had a feeling of doom, as though he'd stepped on the Hokage's grave.

"...Yep, she found it alright. Better lay low for awhile... Wonder what Asuma's up to."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Back with Sasuke**

I went with the others, following Anko as she lead the way to Training Ground 44, AKA the Forest of Death.

...A rather cheery name, eh?

Heheh. Once we arrived at the fence to the forest, myself and my team were near the front. I was just behind Naruto, when Sakura shivvered, saying, "Man... That's creepy..." She was indicating the Stay Out sign on the fence.

"Bah... You'll soon find out why it's called The Forest of Death."

Naruto scoffed. "Hah! You think that scare me? I'm afraid of nothing!"

Anko smiled that too-friendly, eyes-closed smile..."Oooh... You're fiesty." I had a feeling she was about to show off again. A kunai appeared in her hand, and she threw it past Naruto, grazing his cheek.

I had activated my sharingan just before she threw it, and I watched it's trajectory...

I reached and caught it, just after it sliced Naruto's cheek, swinging it on a finger by the ring as Anko shunshined behind Naruto, giving his bleeding cheek a lick.

"Kids like you die quickly... Spraying that thick, red blood I love so much..."

I draped myself over Anko, throwing my arm around both her and Naruto's shoulders.

"Easy, Anko. You're freakin' him out. Hey, Naruto, you alright? Looks like you turned her on." I was grinning, finding this oddly funny.

"Uwah... If this is your idea of foreplay, I'll stay with Hinata-chan..."

*Fwump!* ...We ignored the sound of a body hitting the ground.

Anko snorted a laugh, taking her kunai back and leaving poor Naruto alone.

...Still licking his blood from her lips, it must be said. I patted his shoulder, saying, "Well, look on the bright side. You ever need a girlfriend, just cut yourself. Your blood seems to attract all sort of attractive wierdos."

"I heard that!" I looked up, to where Anko was looking annoyed.

I grinned. "Hey, I said you were attractive. Quit complaining."

...She had no response to that.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Anko handed out the waivers, saying, "Some of you will die during this test. If you don't sign this, it's on my head. Now you don't want me to get in trouble, do ya?"

...No one refused.

After that, she explained the test. Survive for five days, get to the tower with a full team, and both scrolls, Heanven and Earth. Killing is permitted. That's about the long and the short of it.

After signing the papers, we finally went to turn them in for a Heaven scroll...

I immediately asked, "Are these water-proof?"

"Of course. They're sealed so as to prevent them from opening unintentionally."

...Good enough. I took the scroll, hiding it in a hidden spot under my pauldron. I also pulled three scrolls from my bag and performed a transformation on them, disguising them all as Earth scrolls. Myself, Naruto and Sakura all had one on us, for use as a bargaining chip if necessary.

When we walked out from behind the black curtain, we were all rummaging in our bags, putting the false scroll away.

If nothing else, it threw several others for a loop. Heheh.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well... A short while later, we were all moved to our assigned gates. After a short while... We got the go ahead, and the proctor unlocked the gate, letting us into the training area.

First thing we did, was haul ass.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We'd been moving for roughly twenty minutes, before we slowed down to a walk and had a look around out surroundings.

"I gotta take a piss." Naruto waltzed over to a tree and started fiddling with his zipper.

Sakura was about to go and pound the back of his head in when I caught her collar.

"Leave him be. It's better that we remain within sight of one another from now on."

She scowled, but nodded and turned away in a slight huff. Bet you fifty bucks if I was the one going to take a piss, she'd ogle me so hard I'd burst into flames. That or my pants would suddenly disappear.

He finished up within a few minutes, and actually remembered to zip up before turning to us. Anyway...

We started off, and I hoped that the idiot trio from Iwa would leave us be. I didn't feel like dealing with them right now...

...Twenty minutes of jogging later...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We sat in a circle, the three of us discussing our 'codeword.'

In reality? We'd already discussed this before coming. While we talked, LOUDLY, I made handsigns telling both of them to ignore what I was saying, stick to our pre-planned code words, and prepare for an attack.

...Well, needless to say, they were ready.

*BANG!*

A set of gunpowder went off, leaving myself and Sakura lying on our asses, with our ears ringing. We then saw three silhouettes approaching...

"Leave them to me... I'll handle this personally." I heard Orochimaru say, his creepy voice sending a chill up my back.

I sat up, my sharingan active. I could see him...

Next thing I know, I'n in excrutiating pain... As if I was being ripped apart by hundreds of thousands of teeth...

"Guh...Argh..." OWOWOWOWOWOWOW! SON OF A BITCH!

I grit my teeth, tensed my muscles, and forced my eye sopen, glaring at that smugly smiling bastard...

'Just a genjutsu... Just a genjutsu...' I focused through the pain, and forced my chakra to surge, increasing the amount I flowed throughout my body.

...And the pain ended. I looked to Sakura, who was lying on the ground, cringing.

I dashed over, tapped her forehead, and formed a handseal.

"Kai."(Release)

...She then stopped twitching, and began panting for air. I turned back to Orochimaru...

...And as I looked him in the eye...

I felt nothing but fear. As though I was looking straight into the depths of hell itself...

'Gonna die, I'm gonna die, he's gonna-' I interrupted that trail of thought.

...

In the space of an eyeblink... Everything stopped.

Time froze itself around me... As everything went dark.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

When I opened my eyes, I saw nothing but darkness... When suddenly...

"**What the fuck are you so afraid of?**" I heard myself, Sasuke Uchiha, wearing black armor and carrying a massive sword. His sharingan was active.

"_You musn't fight him! He will kill you!_" A second Sasuke appeared, this one wearing his traditional Genin outfit, blue shirt and white shorts. He looked worried.

"What the hell... Who are you two?"

They both stared at me as if I were an idiot. "_**Duh, we're you.**_"

...Well, that's new. I had a sudden revelation...

I pointed at the one dressed in black. "Shoulder devil. The id." Then to the one in standard attire. "Shoulder angel. The superego." They both nodded.

"...And I'm the full persona. The ego. Well... That's just lovely..."

Evil Sasuke rolled his eyes. "**Yeah, yeah, it's your subconscience. Don't hate on us 'cuz you're fucked in the head.**"

"...Well, it's nice to see my alter-ego has a sense of humor."

"_Will you two quit screwing around? What are we going to do? Orochimaru isn't going to wait around forever while you're dicking around in your own head._"

...Right. "Suggestions? I'm nowhere near strong enough to kill him."

"**Hah! Chickenshit. That's just because you've got those pesky things like honor... And fear.**"

"_Without honor, we are no better than animals! And fear is good. It keeps you alive._"

Evil-Sasuke scowled. Well, he was already scowling. His frown deepened. "**No, it keeps you from fighting at your best! Fear must be forsaken, and replaced with anger... He's no more immortal than you are. Cut him, and he bleeds just the same.**"

"_...Shit! We're out of time... See? I told you you should've let me speak first!_"

"**Aw, blow it out yer ass, pretty-boy.**"

...Man, I'm really fucked in the head.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...I blinked and felt all that fear, everything that made me want to run, disappear. He wasn't anything to be afraid of... He was mortal.

He was going to die.

My vision cleared, and I think... No, felt, my sharingan mutate again.

As I gave him the patented Uchiha death-glare, I felt something shift under my feet.

Uh-oh.

*BOOM!*

...Fucking gunpowder...

Orochimaru set off some kind of explosion, seperating and blinding us, not to mention deafening.

'Ow... My everything...'

I sat up, shaking the disorientation from my mind. My sharingan flared to life, and I scanned the area for Sakura...

She was laying facedown, ten feet away. I didn't see any jutsus, so I stumbled to my feet and made my way over to her.

I had just knelt down to check for lifesigns when she groaned and sat up.

"Ow, augh... Geeze..."

"You good, Pinky?"

She scowled at my nickname for her. "Yeah, I'm fine, Duckbutt." I chuckled at her use of my own old nickname.

We heard a voice, and footsteps nearby. "Owowow... Man... What hit us..." We saw Naruto stumbling over, looking decidedly worse for wear. My eyes, however...

...Revealed that he was not, in fact, Naruto. I immediately shut off my sharingan.

"Naruto. What's the code word?" I drew my sword, taking a stance. Needed this to look good.

He/Orochimaru answered. "May the force be with you."

I forced my body to relax, and let him approach. Sakura turned her head away, looking at a small gash on her leg.

I waited... And waited... Until the bastard was right next to us...

When he was looking at Sakura instead of me, I activated my bloodline and swung, catching the Sannin off-guard.

I struck a shallow slash into his midsection, making the man hiss.

"What are you doing?!"

I stared him down. "Drop the guise, old man. You suck at acting." His eyes narrowed, and he dispelled the henge, once more looking like the androgynous Grass nin.

"...Huh. He's almost as bad as Haku for looking feminine."

Sakura nodded, standing back up. "Yeah... What is it with guys looking better than the girls?!"

Orochimaru didn't bother playing our little game. "How did you know I wasn't your friend?"

"First off," I flipped him off. "You used the wrong code word. Why would we discuss our safety measures OUT LOUD, in the middle of enemy territory? Second, really, a goddamn bamboo tube? Here? In the middle of a temperate forest? And you call yourself a Sannin?"

He blinked. "...How do you know who I am?"

"None'a'ya business. Now fuck off, ya goddamn pedophile. No little boys for you."

His eye twitched. "You're going to regret those words..."

"...I think not, Afrochimaru."(I owe this line to the fic 'Students of the Snake' written by Brown Phantom. I highly reccommend his work, as it is an excellant, and long, story. It has been written here, so as to make you people laugh and read his story. It's really good, I swear) His eyes bugged out and he started seething.

"Goddamn that jiraiya! I made him swear never to talk about that!"

...I merely chuckled at his angrish.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Sakura, stay back and try not to get hurt." I rushed forward, intent on engaging the snake at his weakest skill; taijutsu.

With my eyes... I could see.

I swung left... He was going to duck. I redirected, catching a glancing cut on his shoulder.

His eyes widened, and he hopped backwards, hoping to stay out of my range.

"Oh? Running scared, old man?"

He hissed in anger. "You'll pay for that, brat."

"...I highly doubt that." I made a conscience effort to increase the volume of chakra I was forcefully cycling through my body.

Now, for the past couple months, I've been consciencely flowing my chakra. Kindof like building up as much as possible, before making it flow, like water. And I've found that when you increase the volume...

...The stronger you become. It's because of chakra that ninjas are able to run, jump, and fight the way they do. Normal people sure can't jump from the ground up to the roof of a three-story building, right?

Chakra increases the strength, speed, and durability of the body, in layman's terms. Right about now... My maximum output increases my strength, endurance, speed, and reflexes to that of a Jounin. Not quite on Kakashi's level, but close. Mix that with my sharingan? Damn. Lethal hardcore, man.(Bad pun) Kakashi himself was the only one who knows I'm stronger than the other Genin... Mostly because I was now able to keep up with him, and able to master the use of Chidori.

However. There is, of course, a downside. It takes a lot of concentration to maintain, and it's mentally exhausting. And the more chakra I use for other techniques, the less I have to cycle through my body, and vice versa. Not to mention, anyone with a byakugan or sharingan observing can see it; so I've had to take extra care in making sure it wasn't discovered. Not yet, at least.

...Think I'll tell Naruto how to do it later on... Might help him when he goes to learn the Rasengan. And perhaps... Hmm... Hinata, Anko, who else... Kakashi himself, and maybe whoever I snag for myself... Heheheh... Wonder who that would be...

Whoops. Sorry about that, no more fantasizing during battle.

...Unless it's against Anko... Heheheheh... I wouldn't mind hitting her with the Tousand Years of Death...

Whoops. There I go again. Back to the fighting!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

My chakra flow peaked, and I felt like...

...Like I could rip that snake fucker's arms off and beat him to death with 'em before sodomizing his corpse with one of 'em. Like I could bench-press the entire Akimichi family.

...

Like I could take Kakashi's book before screwing Anko in front of him. While tearing said book apart, page by page.

...Yeah.

"C'mon, you pedo-bear wannabe. Let's dance!" I rushed forward, sword in hand, palming a handful of shuriken from my thigh-holster.

I threw all but one towards the Sannin to distract him.

As he ducked and dodged, I threw the last one while he was in mid-air, and formed a half-assed handseal.

"Shuriken Shadow Clone jutsu!" Eheheh, a technique I picked up from Kakashi some while back. He taught it to both myself and Naruto, due to his chakra, and my asking for it. I had a dozen other applications for it... Namely fuma shuriken, and a bit of steel wire for some flying death...

Mwahahahahahahaaa...

He suddenly found himself in mid-air, with over a hundred shuriken flying right at him. Needless to say, being a Sannin, he was able to dodge most of them, blocking the brunt of the dozen that hit him, with three or four connecting.

"Rrrgh... You're starting to test my patience..." As he landed and started flying through handseals, I dashed towards him again, once more trying to close the distance before he could complete whatever technique he had in mind.

Not that I was fast enough for that. "Striking Shadow Snakes!" From both of his arms, dozens of snakes appeared, striking out towards me...

I juked, ducked, dodged, side-stepped, and blocked every one, once again glad for the arm guard I'd gotten. I followed through and swung, but he neatly dodged. How to... Aha.

I looked directly over his shoulder.

"Now, Naruto!"

..Of course, being the sucker that he was, Orochimaru spun, swinging his leg in a high-kick. Upon seeing that he'd fallen for one of the oldest of tricks, he realised he was screwed.

Or skewered, in this case I lunged, impaling him through the small of his back.

...Too easy, of course. He swapped himself out with a mud clone the moment of impact, as my eyes caught. Hmm...

Below!

I jumped, backflipping into a nearby treebranch. Orochimaru's hand was sticking out of the ground, right where I'd been standing.

"Not falling for that old trick... Try again, old man."

He pulled himself out of the earth, growling. "Stop calling me old, you little shit."

"Sure... Not, Jii-teme." His eye twitched. Oh, he was pissed.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Our fight took us into the trees, myself trying to get close up to shave a LOT off the top, him avoiding every strike and trying, mostly unsuccessfully, to hit me with something to incapacitate me.

Seeing as I was far faster and stronger than he expected, he was having extreme difficulty in doing so nonlethally.

"GAAH! Enough of this!" He flicked through handseals again, summoning half a dozen mud clones. ..Aw, shit. Not good.

I switched to a defensive stance, forming a bastardized cross-shaped handseal.

"Shadow clone jutsu!" ...And summoned two shadow clones. Each put their back to mine, as we all took the same stance.

"Shadow clones... Impressive, for a Genin. But this is the end for you."

...And his clones all struck at once, while he started speeding through seals.

'All these opponents... This is starting to get dicey.'

I blocked the first strike, countering and elbowing the next. My clones were fighting along the same lines, one pulling out his tomahawk, the other taking the knife as an off-hand. I stayed as-is, using my sword to it's full potential. Time to end this shit...

I ducked another attack, planting my sword in one of the enemy's feet, flipping through handseals.

"Grand Fireball jutsu!" ...And as the attack connected, I turned, my clones ducking. Once the mud clones were all melting nicely, I tore my blade form the ground, resuming my stance, just in time to see Orochimaru's neck start to stretch...

'Oh shit!'

His head flew at me, connected to a massively over-stretched neck...

"You are mine!"

As his fangs came closer and closer...

I swung, blocking his freaky-hickey attack and giving him a mouthful of sword. He bit down, keeping me from decapitating his sorry ass.

"FUCK YOU! I BELONG TO NO ONE!" With my off-hand, I grabbed his hair, threw myself over his neck, now riding him bull-style, before grabbing the blade of my sword, pulling back...

...And twisting sharply, intent on breaking his neck. Well, I sliced his cheeks up, but that was about it.

Next thing I know, I'm flying through the air, landign hard on my back. "Oof! Augh..." I sat up, shaking the pain from my mind.

I looked to where he was, growling, holding his bloody cheeks. (his neck had shrunk back to normal)

"Forget it! I'm going to kill you!" I looked directly over his shoulder again...

"NOW, NARUTO!"

"Hah! As if I'm going to fall for that again!"

"**ALRIGHT TEBAYO!"**

...I swear, the _look _on that snake bastard's face was priceless. He didn't have time to turn before Naruto's foot connected with the back of his head, knocking him face-first into the dirt.

Then Naruto dash over to where I was, this cocky grin on his face.

...He looked pretty badass, except he was covered in something... Foul.

"...What happened to you?"

He scowled. "Got eaten by a snake." Oh. Right.

"Man, you deserve a free bath for that."

"...Shut up."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After Orochimaru pulled himself up and spat out a mouthful of mud, he looked pissed.

"Naruto... Keep him busy. I've got an idea."

He grinned. "You got it!" He dashed forward, looking ready to tear the bastard to pieces.

...Probably a bad idea. Orochimaru flicked through handseals, before biting him thumb and smalling his hand onto the ground.

...Suddenly, all was covered in darkness. I looked up...

...And found myself staring at a gigantic snake. Oh, shit. We were in its shadow.

"Naruto... How'd you kill that last snake?"

"It ate me, and I did what you said... Summon a fuckton of shadow clones. ...I don't think that's going to work on one this big."

I gulped. "...You got any bright ideas?"

He shrugged. "Fight till they lose." Simple.

I grinned. "I like it. Simple, yet elegant."

We both shared a grin, and I swear... I could hear music playing in the background...

**Now playing; I Own You, by Shinedown.**

"Let's rock."

We both dashed forward, right at him...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Naruto used his trademark jutsu, and suddenly, there was a small army of Narutos ready to kick some ass.

I built up as much chakra as I could, past the point of pain, and forced it to move, fast as possible. I was going to need it.

Naruto and his clones started jumping into the trees, as myself and my two clones shunshined into a tree branch on-level with the snake's head.

Once up high, the Narutos rushed straight in for a beatdown, while I hopped back, letting Naruto do some of the gruntwork.

"Right... Triad, boys. Let's break it out the box."

"Uh... You sure, boss? Kindof a one-shot deal..." My clone responded, looking uncomfortable.

"One shot is all we'll get. And all we'll need." I began speeding through handseals, going for my greatest weapon. My clones did the same, hoping this would work.(I'd given them each enough chakra for one use of this technique... I was feeling exhausted)

"Chidori!" ...All three of us stated, same time, same sound. Can't maintain this for long, so I'd better make this quick.

Over half of Naruto's clones were gone. Orochimaru had kicked him, sending him down to the ground, at least two stories below. Ouch. I'll have to end this now.

I started forward, not feeling confidant enough to use a shunshin while maintaining two other techniques at the same time.

Myself and my clones split up, them going left and right, respectively, while I went straight up the middle.

I hopped from branch to branch, tree to tree, before landing on the snake's head, much to its chagrin. I then sprinted along its hide, before jumping onto the branch the Sannin was occupying.

Orochimaru's eyes widened when he saw what I was doing. As my clone got close, it attempted to spear him with the Chidori, only to be sent aside, poofing out of existance, whereas my second clone was running late.

However... Two of Naruto's clones popped up, grabbing Orochi's legs, holding him still. SWEET!

"THIS IS FOR EMPHASIS, BITCH!" I shouted, completely in the moment, grinning like a crazy bastard.

He realised he was screwed, just as I got close...

I jabbed my arm forward, going through him...

'Mud clone!'

I forced my arm down, smashing it into the branch itself, shattering and burning it, sending Orochimaru, who had dodged into it using an earth jutsu, began to fall...

...Just as my other clone lunged through the air, striking the snake Sannin. Now, I'll give him credit, he twisted himself to avoid a lethal blow, sacrificing his right arm to my clone.

As the clone went *Poof!* I caught myself on the tree trunk, drawing my sword, shunshining towards Orochimaru mid-swing...

...I missed, as he shunshined out of there just after he screamed when his arm was severed.

"_I'll be back! I'm going to kill you for that you fucking brat!_"

"Better luck next time, Pedochimaru!"

His snake summon dispelled as Naruto jumped up to where I was, a nasty-looking bump on the back of his head.

"WHERE IS HE?! I'LL KILL HIM FOR THAT!"

I shrugged. "Dunno, the little bitch ran off. Now, by the way, I need help." I deactivated my sharingan, the fatigue from all that settling in...

...And I fell flat on my face, just as everything went dark...

And he made some quip. "You're as bad as Kakashi-sensei..."

Ow. Not cool.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Self-sacrifice… a nameless shinobi who protects peace from within its shadow…_" -Shisui Uchiha

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Elliot:** J.D., be sensitive. Don't act like you're at a ping pong match between a ninja and Bigfoot...  
**Dr. Kelso:** _(gives Elliot an odd look)_  
**Elliot:** I know that made no sense, but he's totally there now in his head.  
_(J.D.'s eyes dart back and forth)_  
**Dr. Kelso:** Would you look at that...

-A scene from Scrubs, describing an Image Spot

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"More weight!" — Giles Corey, being tried-by-crushing-ordeal for witchcraft in Salem, asked if he would confess to his 'crime.' He did not submit a plea, therefor he was tortured into answering. He refused, and was crushed to death.

He did this so his family would still inherit his property and possessions, so that the corrupt legal system couldn't confiscate them for confessing to witchcraft, nor for denying said accusations. It also meant they couldn't excommunicate him, since he died during 'interrogation,' and he was given a Christian burial. He was courageous and defiant to the bitter end. _**You shan't be forgotten, old friend.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Acclaimed writer Roald Dahl, dying in hospital, said to his family, "You know, I'm not frightened. It's just that I will miss you all so much." He then appeared to fall unconscious, and it was decided to give him a lethal dose of morphine to ease his passing. But when the nurse injected him, he opened his eyes and muttered "Ow, fuck!" And _those_ were his last words.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**"**__We are not interested in the possibilities of defeat. They do not exist.__**" **_-Queen Victoria. Arrogant, but fairly badass. Not something to be said when losing, however.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Glory hallelujah! Glory hallelujah! I am with the Lord." — Charles Guiteau, assassin of James Garfield. Keep in mind, these are only the first two lines of an entire POEM he shouted from on that scaffold. He'd asked for an orchestra to accompany the recitation, but they drew the line there.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"I regret that I have but one life to give for my country." -Nathan Hale, before being executed as a spy by the British. A Hero. _**May you never be forgotten. **_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Don't worry, it's not loaded, see?" -Terry Kath, lead guitarist for the band Chicago. The final words... Of an idiot. BANG! Dumbass.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Hadul:** Fire once and you're woozy. Fire twice, and you'll be half dead.  
**Gene:** So no multiple discharges, huh?  
**Hadul:** Yes! Just like... well, you know.  
*Beat*  
**Gene: **Hey! I have more stamina than that, old man!

-Outlaw Star, a conversation about the Caster Gun's deadly upgrade, and a dirty joke.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**When an author has a corpse-shaped hole in the story, and decides to fill it with a character the audience won't mourn - The Asshole Victim**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Woman**: After every date, I end up in bed. I can simply refuse no man, and afterwards, I feel like a slut and an idiot.  
**Doctor**: Very well, I'll give you some pills, and you'll have no problem refusing...  
**Woman**: No, doctor, not something to be able to refuse. Give me pills so I won't feel like a slut and an idiot.

-Funny joke about doublestandard Slut-Shaming.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Jordan:** It was when I was working as a waitress on Nantucket. I was dating this guy named Kevin. He had the most beautiful blue eyes; they were either sky blue, or powder blue, I could never decide which. Anyway, his best friend knocked me up. *Beat* Don't look at me like that; it was my first time.

**J.D.:** Oh, we're not judging. [thinking: Whore!]

-Another Slut-Shaming joke from scrubs

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

At one point in Scrubs, Dr. Cox has the dozens of people who've slept with Jordan (his ex-wife) raise their hands, then thanks whoever it was who taught her the Reverse Cowgirl Position. ...Of course, then someone in the crowd shouts, "You're welcome!"

-Not a quote. I just thought it was funny.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error."_  
— **John Kenneth Galbraith. Meaning that if you screw up badly enough, you will always be remembered.**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Young lady, you fail to grasp the basic principles of mad science. Common sense would be cheating."

—**Professor Lupin Madblood**


	14. Chapter 14 The Second Test Part 2!

**Naruto; What If**

**Third Arc; Chuunin Exams**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 14 - The Second Test, part 2!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Uuugh..." Oh, kami... My entire body feels like...

"Sasuke-kun!" ...Lovely... That's the first thing I want to hear when I wake up...

"Agh... Easy, Pinky... I'm not deaf..." I forced myself into a sitting position, ignoring the soreness in my muscles. Or, well, not ignoring, but enduring. They hurt like a sonofabitch... I'm guessing I ripped a good number of them in that fight.

Not to mention chakra exhaustion... I think I managed to avoid the worst of the side-effects at first by consciencely forcing my chakra to keep flowing. But once I stopped doing that...

...The full force of my exhaustion hit me like a brick wall. Hm. I now know how sensei felt when he fought Zabuza.

"Sasuke! Are you alright?" Naruto asked, entering our little hidey hole. Hm. We were under a tree, hiding in its roots...

"Feel like death... But I'll live. How long was I out?"

"A whole day. No one's attacked us yet... But we've only got three and a half days left to get a scroll."

I rubbed my chin in thought. "Alright... We've got time. And I doubt snake-man will attack us again after that thrashing we gave him. Still. Sakura, you got this area secured?"

She nodded. "Enough traps to make Kakashi-sensei think twice about being late."

I grinned. "Excellant work. Alright, we need a plan of action. I see two possibilities; Do we seek out an enemy team, or do we head closer to the tower and set up an ambush?" Both of them thought on this for a moment.

...But we didn't have a chance to choose. Naruto's ears perked up, and his eyes widened. "Someone's nearby... Three sound nins. They ran into one of my clones."

Shit. I pulled myself to my feet. "Alright... We'll let them run right into our killzone. Then we deal with 'em the old-fashioned way." Both of my teammates grinned maniacally, having seen my definition of 'old-fashioned.'

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Naruto summoned another half-dozen shadow clones, while I summoned two; they all went out and hid in the trees, ready to strike out at our attackers.

...Though how they hide while wearing orange, I'll never know.

I took a seat right outside our little hiding spot and pulled out my sword, sharpening it while I had the chance. That pedo-bastard had blunted two spots on it when he bit the damn thing.

Sakura hid nearby, ready to set off some of the manual traps. Such as a massive log that her and Naruto had set up using steel wire.

..I was damn proud of their ingenuity.

Anywho... I sat there, sharpening, listening for the sound of...

"Gaah!" ***BOOM!***

...Guess they found some of the explosive tags. A few minutes later, several crashing sounds were heard, followed by yelps of surprise.

Then they finally stepped into the clearing, covered in soot, looking decidedly annoyed and singed.

"Ah, there you are. So, which of you is the brains of this idiot-trio?"

"Why you son of a-!" The spiky-haired one growled, looking pissed. I think his name was Zaku...

"...So it's not you, obviously. Well? Is it the pretty girl, or the mummy? C'mon, I haven't got all day." The girl, Kin, blushed, as the bandaged guy's visible eye twitched.(I couldn't remember his name. I didn't feel like asking)

"It won't matter once we're through with you..."

I chuckled. "I think you mean 'Once _I _am done with _you._' " I snapped my fingers...

And several Narutos descended upon them from the trees, surrounding and attacking the three.

Naruto wasn't mixed among them, as most of those clones were dispatched with ease. Due to Zaku and mummy-man's sound-based attacks, I think.

"Hmm... Sound-based attacks. Spike's got tubes in his arms, and butt-face has that gauntlet that uses high-frequency sonic attacks... And I'm guessing miss Tsuchi is a genjutsu specialist."

...All three of them stared at me, shocked. I stood up, brushing off my pants, putting away my sharpening stone.

"Alright, I could use some light exercise. I'll warn you right now; if you don't come at me with the intent to kill, you're going to die."

"Why you arrogant piece of-" *Twing! Schwoop!*

...And then they noticed the gigantic log approaching their persons at a high rate of speed. They all hauled ass further into the clearing, towards me, avoiding said log.

Of course, all three tripped on the nearly-invisible wire that was drawn across the area.

"Oh, c'mon. Aren't you supposed to be ninjas?"

"Rrgh, shut up!" Zaku stood up, aiming his psuedo-arm cannons in my direction.

I smiled, activating my bloodline.

I shunshined, landing right behind the group, my clones doing the same. I aimed a swing towards the bandaged leader of the group, thoroughly enjoying the look of surprise in his eye when he spun around.

He brought up his arm just in time to block a lethal strike, yet leaving his lower body open when I viciously kneed him in the crotch.

His gauntlet left my ears ringing when it connected with my sword, but it was worth it to see him crumple to the ground, groaning in pain. While he was down, I skewered his gauntleted hand, staking his body to the dirt.

I left him, drawing my tomahawk, just as Zaku managed a lucky hit on my clone. Kin was still tangling with my other shadow clone, barely managing to parry several blows in quick succession. She was quite skilled with those kunai, though. I'd give her another six minutes until my clone turned her inside out.

"Naruto!" The orange-clad boy dropped out of the trees, rushing over to the struggling what's-his-face, who couldn't get his hand free. He then proceded to clock his with a solid kick to the jaw, before rifling through his gear for that scroll.

Sakura was on standby, waiting to draw off anyone who attacked Naruto. I was keeping the other two sound-nins busy, since I was the strongest on the team, combat-wise. Not counting Naruto's trump card, that is.

I swung left and right, constantly advancing, not giving the guy time to use his signature jutsu. He had to draw a kunai and keep retreating, so as not to get chopped into bite-sized bits.

"C'mon, loudmouth!" I increased my chakra flow, hoping to simply overwhelm the bastard. Using this damned axe is tiring on the arms... It's overbalanced by design, resulting in greater difficulty maintaining this kind of fighting style.

...Basically, it relies on strength and endurance. The sword is less strenuous on endurance, using my skill and technique as more of a focus point.

"Shut up!" He retorted, suddenly trying for a risky gambit, betting that he could stab me before I could take the top of his head off.

Bad move. I swept his weapon-hand aside, swinging my boot up, catchign him in the nuts, before hacking right into his shoulder. He dropped to the ground like a sack of bricks, screaming in agony.

"COME ON! Is that all that Oto has to offer?!" ...He didn't respond. He was too busy whimpering.

"...Bitch. Go back to the academy." I turned, leaving the little bitch to cry. Well, after I delivered another swift kick to his balls, followed by a second one to the back of his head. He was out like a light.

The only remaining sound-nin that was conscience was still struggling against my shadow clone. I suppose my personal(Before I'd even arrived in this Naruto-verse) skill with edged weapons gives me an edge.(Pun not intended)

She realised she was outnumbered, outmatched, and liable to get killed. I could see the perspiration forming on her forehead, as she was trying to go through her options, yet not being able, since her full attention was needed to keep my clone from making mincemeat of her. The fact that he'd been taunting, goading, and alternatively flirting with her the entire fight probably wasn't helping.

I stepped over, patting my clone on the shoulder. "Good work, Minion. I'll handle her from here." He nodded, poofing out of existance. The remains of the chakra I'd infused him with returned to me, as did his memories; she tried her damndest to use genjutsu based on sound, throwing senbon with bells as a trap to trigger it. Hm.

She was panting, her eyes flicking from me, to Naruto, to her KO'd teammates.

"Well, you lasted longer than either of your compatriots. I'll offer you a deal; surrender and we'll leave you as is. Keep fighting, and I'll personally skin you alive, which would a damn shame; you're pretty cute."

Her cheeks darkened, but she swallowed, remaining silent, trying to think up a way out of this situation.

"I found it!" Naruto stood up, holding an Earth scroll. Just the one we needed, too. Sweet. He left the rest of Dosu's gear scattered around, pocketing the scroll. Then he jumped up into the trees, heading for Sakura.

I turned back to Kin. "Well, you've got no reason to keep fighting. Surrender or death; whichever you'd prefer."

She gulped again.

"...Alright." She dropped both kunai, raising her hands high in the air. I sheathed my axe, forming a cross-shaped handseal.

"Shadow clone jutsu." Three clones appeared, one going over to Zaku, and began searching him, removing gear from his bag and searching for anything useful. Also searching to see if he had another scroll; Naruto might've found a decoy.

The other two walked over to Kin, lecherous grins in place.

...She shuddered involuntarily, worried over what they might do.

With good reason. They shoved her to the ground, bound her wrists, and strip-searched her. She glared at me the entire time, until the clones had gone through all of her belongings, leaving the girl in nothing more than a black bra and thong.(She'd been wearing them the entire time. At least she had good taste)

"Nothing, boss. Shall we burn their supplies?" Kin swallowed again. I thought for a moment...

"...No. Untie her." They did as I ordered, leaving the mostly-undressed Kin sitting there, baffled.

"Now, we're going to take our leave. I wish you the best of luck passing the exam. Oh, before I forget... If you happen to run into a redheaded Suna nin with a gourd on his back, I highly reccommend you run like hell. He's not as merciful as I. Now go and tend to the two idiots. Good day, miss Tsuchi." I turned and shunshined, leaving her alone with her unconscience team.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I met up with Naruto and Sakura, before the three of us started for the tower.

"What luck! Good thing they had an Earth scroll." Naruto announced with glee, over-enthusiastic as usual.

"For once, I agree, Naruto. Now let's pick up the pace; I wanna get to that tower before we run into anything else unsavory."

...We jumped through the trees, hauling ass and making good headway, for a good two hours until we reached the central tower...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Upon our arrival, we were about to walk through the doors, when I felt something.

"Everyone down!"

All three of us ducked and doged out of the way; we barely avoided several kunai.

I turned, reactivating my sharingan. Where...

'There!'

The three Iwa ninjas, hiding in several bushes. My dojutsu easily picked up on them, their chakra standing out like a flame in a dark room.

Idiots. They just don't know when to quit.

I scowled. "The three stooges are here to piss me off again. Team, plan Bravo."

They both nodded, Naruto summoning fifteen shadow clones, Sakura taking a defensive stance by the doors.

Me? I summoned two more shadow clones, just as several dozen enemies appeared to grow out of the earth... Genjutsu. They were going to just keep throwing kunai, hidden amongst the ones thrown by their illusions. Bah, amateur technique.

I shunshined to where the idiot trio were hiding.

"Oy. Are you Iwa nins named for the rocks in your heads?" They all jumped, spinning around, just in time for me to impale one through the gut, kicking the second on the chest, the third getting grabbed by six Narutos.

"No, no, NOOOOOO!" ...And was immediately beaten into a fine paste. He looked worse than Haku did when I was finished with him.

The one I'd stabbed screamed, falling to the ground, quivering in agony, before I kicked him in the face. The other guy got back up, coughing, blood seeping out of his mask. I think I ruptured something...

He was shocked when Sakura pounded his face into the dirt, before she stomped the shit out of him. Poor bastard.

"Alright, good work, mates. Let's go."

...And we then entered the tower, leaving the three Iwa guys in a bush.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

And so... We were here. Hm.

I looked left, then right, the up at the plaque on the wall.

Yada, yada, yada...

I pulled out the Heaven scroll I had, as Naruto pulled the Earth one he'd plucked from Dosu.

"Think we're supposed to open them...?"

I nodded. "The plaque is a riddle. I'm guessing we need whatever's written on the scrolls to solve it."

He held out his scroll, grasping the edge. "Ready?" He asked, as I did the same.

"Yes. One, two, three, open." We both tore open the scrolls at the same time, as smoke started spilling out.

"Summoning jutsu! Toss 'em!" We both tossed said scrolls away, taking a fighting stance.

A loud *POOF!* was heard, as a silhouette appeared amidst the smoke...

"Huh?! What're you doing here?!" Naruto exclaimed, his jaw dropping.

In front of us appeared Iruka.

...Wearing nothing but a pillow, held in front of his crotch.

"W-what the hell?! How did you three get here so fast?!" He exclaimed, blushing bright red. He was also covered in a sheen of sweat.

I shrugged. "Two geniuses on the same team? Hell, even with Sakura slowing us down we still would've gotten here a day early."

"Hey!" I chuckled at her indignation.

"Learn some genjutsu and I won't make fun of your lack of combative abilities."

"Uhh, Iruka-sensei, why are you naked in the first place? You must've known ahead of time that you'd get summoned when we got here."

...He blushed even darker. "Well, I was, erm..."

"He thought we wouldn't get here until the last day. And I'm guessing he was either having sex or masturbating when we summoned him."

"Y-you have no proof of that!"

...There was suddenly a wet, squelching splat sound, as something landed on the floor. Right between his legs, from behind the pillow.

Of course, all four of us instinctively looked down, and saw what fell.

...A bright hot-pink condom. With something off-white leaking out of it.

We all looked back up at Iruka.

"Weren't having sex. Right. I'll buy that when Kakashi stops reading his books. Or when Guy stops wearing spandex. Or when Hinata grows a pair and confesses to Naruto."

...All three of them stared at me with that last comment.

"...What?"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Well, I'm done. Figure out what the plaque means, and-"

"If you lack heaven, the human mind, train your brain and seek knowledge. If you lack earth, the human body, run in the fields, and seek advantages. When one possesses both heaven and earth, with a sharp mind and body, no mission is too dangerous. Is that about the long and the short of it?"

Iruka stared at me. "Alright, then smartass. All three of you pass the second exam. Congratulations. I'm outta here..."

"Wait! What about us?!" Naruto shouted, looking bewildered.

"Yeah, and who were you sleeping with, anyway?"

"You have until the end of the five days to rest up and train for the third exam. And that's none of your business. Now if you'll excuse me..."

He shunshined, going back to whoever he was fucking. Eh.

"...So, who do you guys think he was screwing?" I asked, wondering what their thoughts were.

"I dunno... Maybe the proctor for the second test." Naruto replied. I thought on that for a moment...

"Naw, she'd've been riding him, and gotten summoned along with him. Though I wouldn't mind seeing her like that..." I licked my lips absent-mindedly, which brought about a dejected sigh from Sakura.

Naruto patted her on the back, consoling her.

"Aw, don't worry, Sakura. You've always got me."

"THAT'S why I'm depressed."

"...Well, fuck you very much... Insensitive witch..." He muttered, looking annoyed.

And this is my dysfunctional team. And it really represents our team-dynamics quite well.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Self-sacrifice… a nameless shinobi who protects peace from within its shadow…_" -Shisui Uchiha

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_


	15. Chapter 15 The Preliminaries! Part 1

**Naruto; What If**

**Third Arc; Chuunin Exams**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 15 - The Preliminaries!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

And so... We went up onto the balconies and walked into the next room, finding only a handful of Chuunin walking around.

One of them noticed us, and come over. It was someone I didn't recognise...

"Ah, so you three passed. Congratulations. From here, head through that door over yonder and up the stairs, you'll them be assigned a room and get medical attention if necessary. The cafeteria is open at all times, so head there if you're hungry. Just follow the signs, but do not enter any rooms other than the ones assigned to you." We all nodded, and started for the door he'd pointed out.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Though that, up a short flight of stairs...

And we were met by the sight of Anko Mitarashi sitting at a desk. Hm. She looked a little shaken...

"Anko-Neechan! We got here early." I grinned, hoping to lighten her spirits with my own contagious enthusiasm.(Not quite as good as Naruto's, but it isn't as annoying)

She smiled, brightening. "Ah, hey, Sasuke-kun. So it seems Kakashi's brats made it through in one piece. It seems Iruka owes me a drink."

I chuckled. "Yep, but here's a free laugh instead. When we summoned him, he was butt-naked wearing nothing but a condom and a blush. The only thing he had to cover his dignity was someone's throw-pillow."

Anko busted out laughing.

"Ahahahaha, really? That dumbass! So just who was he porking?"

I shrugged. "He wouldn't say. Naruto suggested it was you, but I figured he wasn't really your type. Plus you'd've been on top and appeared with him." She blinked, before leveling a stare at both myself and Naruto.

"Alright, you're correct, but yeah, that wishy-washy guy's not my type. Though now I have something to tease him with... " she chuckled gleefully, before Naruto cleared his throat.

"Um, where are we staying?"

"Oh, right. Up one floor, room 351. Don't go into any other rooms. If you're hungry, there's an open cafeteria up two floors, and an adjacent training room next to your own. Bathroom and shower are across the hall, if you're hurt, tell one of the Chuunin walking around and they'll fetch a medic."

We all nodded, and I shooed off the others.

"Go on and grab a bite or a shower. I'll catch up in a minute." They both nodded, heading off towards the stairs.

Once they were out of the room... "Anko, are you alright?"

She looked genuinely surprised. "Hm? Yeah, why?"

I quirked an eyebrow. "You look like someone just showed you your own death. What'sa matter?"

"It's nothing, just something I ate." She lied, brushing me off.

"...You ran into Orochimaru, didn't you?"

Her eyes shot wide open, before she sighed, nodding glumly. "...Is it that obvious?"

"Uh-huh. Plus we had a run-in with the bastard... Though he won't make that mistake again." I chuckled darkly.

"...That wouldn't have anything to do with his missing arm, now would it?"

"Of course. Pedochimaru will never be able to fondle little boys the same way again..."

She snorted a laugh. "That's just wrong..."

"Hey, it was when I called him Afrochimaru that he got real pissed. We also ran into his lackeys, though they were no challenge in comparison. ...You gonna be alright?"

"...Yeah. I'll be just fine." She smiled, hiding her emotions perfectly.

...Except for a slight glint in her eyes...

"...You want a hug? It'll make you feel better."

Her eye twitched. "You're pushing it..."

"I'm not hearing a no."

She blinked. Opened her mouth, then shut it. And replied, "You know what-"

Eh, good enough. I'll take that as a yes. I closed the three steps in an instant, engulfing her in a warm embrace. Hm. Her shampoo was kiwi-scented.

Though the look on her face was priceless, she socked me in the arm regardless. Didn't hurt much, though. Not by her standards. Ow.

"Idiot... Thanks." Her expression softened, and she gave a genuine smile. I grinned brightly.

"S'what I'm here for. And I'll always be here for you. Dattebayo." I stole Naruto's catchphrase, making the woman chuckle.

"That's still just as cheesy as when he does it. By the way, you need a shower." She wrinkled her nose at that last remark, chuckling.

I raised an arm, giving my pits a sniff. Eugh. She was right.

I shrugged, dropping my arm back down. "I can't smell anything. I got a snootfull of blood earlier, and it's got my sinuses clogged to hell and back."

"Well the rest of us can, and you stink. Go on, grab some R&R. You've earned it."

"Thank you." I bowed and took my leave, heading the same way my teammates had.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I found our room, and went across to where the bathroom was. I walked in, and heard two showers running. Coincidentally, there were only two.

...Eh. There were towels stacked on a small endtable, with three sinks under a large mirror. There were two urinals, and two toilet stalls, with tiled floors and two shower stalls that had the curtains drawn.

I walked out, and into the room opposite, labelled 351. Inside were three double beds, along with a TV, some exercise mats, and a few other odds and ends. I dropped my pack, undid and removed my armor and bauldric, dropping them in a pile.

I rolled my shoulders, cracked my neck and knucles, then rooted around in my pack for one of my spare sets of clothing. Once I got ahold of another outfit, I turned and walked out of the room, returning to the bathroom. The showers were still going, so I said,

"Oy! How long are you two gonna be? Don't use up all the hot water."

Naruto replied, "I'm still trying to get the mud off of me! Geeze, it's like the stuff is glued on."

"Ah, another twenty minutes... This feels heavenly..."

I felt a vein pop in my temple. Alright, enough'a this. Now that Anko's mentioned it, the smell is starting to grate on my nerves...

I stripped off my current outfit

"Oy, Sakura! Shove over, you're sharing."

I heard her stuttering. "W-W-WHAT?! BUT I'M A-!"

I strolled right into the stall she'd been occupying.

"Ah, quit your blubbering. I know you fantasize about seeing me naked anyway. Consider it a free show." Geeze... Her face was as red as the dress she usually wears.

I made a point not to look below eye-level, pulling the curtain closed.

She was still gaping at me, trying to cover the entire front of her body with her arms, as I snagged the bottle of shampoo that was on one of the shelves in the stall.

I squeezed out a handfull of the stuff before applying it to my hair, dropping the bottle back on the shelf, before sticking my head under the hot spray.

"Hey, you're right. This feels great after three days without one..." I starting lathering up, trying to get all the mud, blood, and gore out of my hair.

Believe it or not, I took great pride in such great ebony locks. I just don't like having the spiky, effeminate hair that sticks up half a foot. S'why I wear the bandana.

"...Sakura, you can quit staring. I'm not ogling you, am I?"

She spun around in place, giving me a rather nice view of her rear. Which was actually fairly nice, considering her age.

Then she started stuttering worse than Hinata. "Y-y-y-you sh-shouldn't be in h-here!"

"Why not? We're teammates and have to share a tent and even bedroll. There's no reason to be embarassed about one's own body, especially shinobi. Quit worrying and whining."

I finished getting all the gunk out of my hair and rinsed off, before slicking it back and out of my eyes. Grabbing the bottle of body wash, I crushed the thing, dumping a good portion of it onto my chest and both hands, lathering up.

With the rag that had been hanging in the stall, I scrubbed my entire body raw, trying to get the stench of baked-on mud and gore off me. Ten minutes of lathering, scrubbing, rinsing, and repeating, and the task was done.

Sakura was still bright red and staring at me. Or trying not to, as the case may be.

"Hey. Turn around, I'll wash your back."

...Oh, her face just lit. The fuck. Up. Brighter red than I'd ever seen Hinata.

"...o-okay..." I barely heard her over the sound of running water, but she turned, even the back of her beck was bright red.

Heheh, kinda cute.

I squeezed the rest of the body wash onto the second washcloth, since the one I'd used was in DIRE need of washing. Or burning.

I gently scrubbed her back, wiping off most of the grime that had accumulated, doing her shoulders, arms, underarms,(Making her squeek) before kneeling, and washing her flanks.

Oh, she jumped a good height. I merely chuckled at her reaction. It wasn't until I started getting her legs that she reacted.

"I-I-ICANGETTHOSEMYSELF!"

I blinked, and pretended not to know what she'd said, continuing what I was going.

"What'd you say? I didn't quite catch that."

"I CAN DO THAT MYSELF!"

I shrugged. "Yeah, but it's easier to have someone else get the areas you can't see."

"B-B-BUT- Oooh...! Ahh, yeah... Right there..."

I massaged up the sides of her thighs, buttocks, gently massaging the small of her back and flanks.

She actually fucking shuddered. Eh.

While she went weak in the knees, I switched sides with the cloth, and worked on her left leg, from hip to ankle,then around, and back up, along the inside of her leg.

...It wasn't until it just barely grazed her groin that she shivvered again, followed by the sound of a sharp intake of breath.

I smiled, silently chuckling. After going back down her other leg, I pulled her leg up, bending it ta the knee, to scrub at the soles of her feet. She was thrown for a loop for a moment, barely catching herself on the shower wall.

And starting giggling like mad as I worked. Que Naruto saying,

"Hey! What're you two doing over there?"

"Nothing, Naruto. She's just ticklish."

...Sakura turned a much brighter shade of red, and it didn't fade at all, even after we were out of the shower. Heheh, I tend to have that effect on women...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Once out, I walked right over to where the towels were, grabbing one and drying off, ignoring the look Naruto threw at me.(Above waist-height. The guy wasn't gay)

"...What were you two doing?"

"Sharing a shower. What, don't tell me you're jealous?"

"W-WHAT?! NO! I was just..."

"Oh, you don't have to be that way, man! I'll share the next one with you!" I beamed, smiling tranquilly.

Oddly enough...

"NO!" Both he and Sakura both shouted simultaneously, making me chuckle.

"Oh? So you DID enjoy it, Sakura!"

"B-BAKA!" She immediately shot out of the shower stall, clocking me over the head. Ow.

...Completely ignoring her own state of undress.

Naruto's jaw dropped as he stared, his mind short-circuiting.(It was probably her flat chest. She had the beginnings of an A-cup, but still very loli. Her dress makes them look bigger than they are)

Of course, she EEK'd, snatched a towel and hiding in the shower stall.

...Heheheh, kinda cute.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We all got dressed and started our personal grooming routines. Naruto brushed his teeth, flossed, then ran a hand through his hair.

Me? I brushed, slicked my hair back, and tyed on my bandana, before giving myself a good, hard look in the mirror.

...Nothing out of place. I smirked, saying, "Hel-lo, good-lookin'. Mirror, mirror on the wall... Who's the most badass of them all?"

Of course, this got an unexpected reaction from my teammates.

"...So you aren't all that modest about your looks after all. Shocker." Naruto deadpanned, running a comb through his hair.

Sakura muttered something under her breath, her blush slightly returning.

I wasn't sure what she said, but I thought it sounded something like, "Womanizing pervert... Taking advantage of a pretty young girl..." *Grumble, grumble*

Eh.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We went back to our room, sitting down to rest and regroup.

I started by cleaning my armor; it was covered in mud, blood, and other unidentifiables. Not to mention dents, scratches, dings, and other damage done by battle. I was rather annoyed by it.

The pauldron itself was a pain simply because there was a lotta blood caked on it; took some serious scrubbing to get that off. Once that was presentable, I started on the armguard...

Ugh. So many damn dents... Good thing I shelled out for the heavier one way back. The lighter-weight one would've been pierced several times, resulting in serious injury. Eesh.

"So... What's the plan?" Naruto.

"Dunno... Sakura?" She looked thoughtful for a moment.

"I'm gonna go get something to eat."

"Yeah, me, too." Both her and Naruto stood up, heading for the door.

I looked back down towards my mangled gauntlet...

"Yeah, this can wait an hour. Count me in." I stood up, leaving the thing where it lay. I still, however, grabbed my bauldric and holster. Never know when you might need 'em.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I did the Naruto-walk, with my hands behind my head.

...He just kinda half-glared at me for a second. Eh.

Sakura lead the way towards the next floor up, then followed the few signs we passed that pointed to the cafeteria. It was a mid-sized affair with a kitchen and several tables spread throughout.

Sitting at one table, I saw Neji, Tenten, and Lee, munching on something.

At another table... There was the team from Suna, oddly enough Gara had his gourd next to his chair. First time I've seen him without the thing on his back. Hm.

I noticed that the kitchen was on the other side of a wall, with two doorways. One had 'enter' written above it. Subtle.

I started whistling a cheery tune, heading straight for that door.

I was followed by my team, who followed my example. Naruto started whistling, too. Cheeky bastard. Gotta love him.

Said whistling drew the stares of Neji, Lee, and Gaara... Kinda creepy. But, eh.

Going into the kitchen area...

Woohoo! All kinds'a of food.

"Whattaya havin'?"

I grinned at the bulbous chef.(Huge guy; looked like an Akimichi)

"Sir. Everything. Too much for Chouza himself to finish."

The big man grinned. "You got it, kid."

...Ooooo-hoo-hoo...

He piled enough food on a huge tray to make Choji sweat.

...And I was starving. Oh, this wouldn't be enough... I just might be back for seconds.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

That tray weighed at least four pounds laden with food. Chicken breast, sausage, bacon, eggs, biscuits, bread, turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, cheese fondue, steak, fish, ramen, macaroni, and, oooh... Dessert.

Chocolate. Lots of it. With peanut butter fudge, cake of some sort, divinity, and, of course, homemade chocolate chip cookies... My kami, the Akimichi sure know good grub!

As I sat down, licking my lips in anticipation, silverware in hand, just about to dig in, when suddenly...

*Slam!*

...

"So... Still think you're all that?" ...The arrogant prick was here, interrupting my meal. Before I've even gotten started!

"I do, indeed. Is there something you want, or can I get back to me meal?"

"I want to know how you knew my belief in fate."

I blinked. Ohhh, right. He was still sore from when I mindfucked him.

"Why should I tell you? In fact, I'm not going to. Now sod off."

I started to spear a slice of chicken, about to take a bite, when he grabbed my wrist.

"You're going to tell me. Now."

My eye twitched. I felt my sharingan flaring to life. "...You have exactly five seconds to_ fuck off _and let me eat, or I swear to kami, I will take this fork, skewer those eyes you're so damn proud of, and force-feed them to you. _One._"

He took a step back, releasing my hand. I noticed his eyes widen with just a slight hint of fear, mostly because my teammates suddenly pushed their chairs back and started retreating. Rapidly.

...He must've figured that if my own team was afraid that I was _not _bluffing, he was better off not taking that chance.

"Good. Thank you very fucking much."

I started chowing down, no longer paying attention to the prick. After a few tense moments of me stuffing my face, Neji went back to the table his team was sitting at, before my own tea sat back down and started eating. I heard an audible sigh of relief coming from Tenten.

...I noticed that Gaara and co had been watching our interactions. The redhead in particular with extreme interest. I merely returned his glare, my sharingan drilling into his eyes...

...He turned away first, going back to the small plate of food in front of him.

Heheh. That's me, with the scary eyes.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I'd gotten a good portion of my meal done, when we heard the doors open once more. The sand siblings had already left, and in walked Team 8. They were looking a little rough, but Hinata perked right up when she saw Naruto. Then again... She turned her eyes right back down to her feet when Neji glared at her.

...Prick.

Kiba lead his team through the kitchen area, before making a beeline for our table.

"Hey! So you guys made it, too, huh?"

I nodded, swallowing my mouthful of food. "Of course. Did you expect anything less with three geniuses?"

...kiba stared at me. "..Three? I can understand two since Sakura aced every test in the academy, but _this_ loudmouth?" he stated, indicating Naruto.

I answered before Naruto could make some indignant squeek.

"Of course. He's actually smarter than anyone else in this room. Only problem is that he can't sit still long enough to learn the way Sakura or I can; he learns by doing."

Most everyone in that room was staring at me. Most notably from Naruto and Neji, since the self-reputed genius felt insulted, and Naruto because I'd never before expressed my confidance in his abilities.

...Kiba busted out laughing. "Oh, that's a good one!"

...I remained entirely serious as I took another bite of steak. "It's the truth. Just give him a few years; then you'll believe."

Sakura sat back, looking confused. "How can you think he's all that? He's improved a lot lately, but still. In the academy he always had the lowest scores..."

I scowled. "Because no one took an interest in helping him. He had to learn everything on his own, and several of the teachers sabotaged him. I can recall no less than eight times the teacher took his paper, didn't even look at it, before dropping it in the trash. I also remember seeing that he had been given a different test than the rest of us entirely. One that had material that wasn't even taught."

This got stares from all around. Naruto's jaw dropped, even.

"I-I never even told anyone about that!" He exclaimed, looking shocked, as if he'd stuck his dick in a power outlet.(Laugh, damnit, laugh!)

I retained my neutral, if slightly annoyed, expression. "You all should remember this; out of all of us, the one Genin who holds the greatest potential, is Naruto here. Kiba, Neji, Lee, Shikamaru, even myself... None of us have the sheer chakra he has, nor his ability to grow and evolve. I may have the advantage of a legendary dojutsu; Hinata may have the all-seeing eyes; Neji may be the most talented genius of his generation; Shikamaru may be the most intelligent Genin of his time; Lee may have the greatest drive to achieve out of all of us... And yet, none of us have the potential that Naruto possesses. He is the future of this village, mark my words."

"...Now I know you're talking out your ass. There's no way in hell the dead-last is all that..."

"L-leave him alone, Kiba..."

Kiba spun, looking bewildered. Most all of us were shocked that Hinata was vocally defending Naruto... From her teammate, of all people. Amazing.

Kiba blinked a few times. "...Fine." He said nothing more, looking like he was mulling over her words. I was, too, since she rarely spoke out about anything.

Although, Naruto sent her a gracious smile, bringing a flush to her cheeks.

Well, some things never change.

...We finished the rest of our meal in silence, besides a few very threatening glares from Neji. Mostly aimed at Hinata and myself... Until I stood up, turning to glare at him after the fourth time Hinata ducked her head, looking slightly afraid. I was starting to get angry.

"Is there a problem, Neji? What the hell did she do to piss you off?"

He narrowed his eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about, and it's no business of yours, besides."

I practically growled... "Fine. I'll spell it out for you: _Leave. Her. Alone._ That includes those nasty glares you keep throwing her way. You don't stop trying to bully her, I _will_ end you, 'cuz these goddamn mind games are really starting to piss me off. I don't give a damn what problems you have with the main house of the Hyuuga; you leave her out of it."

He grit his teeth, returning my growled response. "And what the hell do _you_ know?"

"I know for a fact that she has never done anything wrong to you, so stop it. You're being a petty child who picks on someone because you don't like her parents."

"It isn't that simple! You know nothing of the circumstances involved!"

"It **IS **that simple! She is the nicest person in this entire village, yet you're acting like she's the one who killed your father! You're directing your anger on her because she's an easy target!"

...I think he broke. His jaw dropped, eyes widened, and uncried tears formed... I thought for a moment he was going to start crying. But his stubborn ass got angry instead.

"YOU SON OF A-!" Lee grabbed him from behind before he could lash out, as Tenten stepped between us.

"Stop! Neji, enough!"

"NO! I WILL KILL HIM!" He struggled in Lee's grasp, his byakugan active.

"Neji-kun! Stop! You'll get disqualified if you attack him!" Tenten tried her best to calm him, to make him think.

Lee eventually dragged Neji out of the cafeteria, with no small amount of effort.

Before Tenten spun and glared at me. "Why did you provoke him like that?!"

I gave her a look. You know, my patented 'You are an idiot' look. "Because I am sick of his self-righteous bullshit. You have seen the way he treats Hinata! That girl loves him like a brother, and he thinks of her as less than shit."

I lowered my voice, so as not to be overheard. "She broke down in tears when she found out he'd been branded with that seal. And yet, in spite of the way he treats her, she still cares about him. He needs a kick in the ass, and if some ribbing will get him to grow the hell up, then tear away, I say. Once he realises that he's acting like a spiteful brat, he just might start acting like a goddamn decent human being."

Her eyes were wide by the end of my rant, but she was still pissed. "And what about our 'bet?' You aren't just trying to weasle your way out of it, are you?"

I gave her a glare that would freeze Haku's blood. "If you want the damn money, fine, I'll cut you a check later. But I will not put up with his bullshit. He so much as looks wrong at Hinata again, I swear, by kami, I will tear him apart. I don't care what it takes, you get him to leave her the hell alone. She's been through enough without having to deal with an asshole cousin."

...Her expression was unreadable. "Fine." With that, she turned on her heel and walked out, her back straight, arms rigid. Something was off...

Don't know, don't care. I've had enough bullshit for one day.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I went back to the table, ignoring everyone's stares. I chowed down on the last of my food, now cold, and took the tray over to where they were deposited. As I walked past the table once more, Hinata blurted out, "Sasuke-kun! P-please... Don't fight with him... He just..."

I glanced towards her... Big mistake. She had these great big ol' crocodile tears in her eyes. Aww, damnit.

I sighed. "Hinata. I'm sorry, but that I cannot do. Every instinct I have is screaming at me to end him for the way he mistreats you.. But I won't kill him. That's the best I can offer. I'm sorry for that."

I started off again, wanting to get out of there before my anger got the better of me again. "I'll be in the training room." I called back as I threw open the doors, heading that way.

As I left, I heard Naruto say, "Yeah... Neji's a dead man. I've seen that look in his eyes before... Right when he was about to cleave that Kabuto guy in half."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I went back to our assigned room, and started on fixing up my armguard. I got fed up and tossed it aside a few moments later. I had energy to burn, and I was getting antsy. I needed to get this anger out of my system before I lash out and kill someone...

I grabbed my gear and went into the room next to ours; a training room for keeping ourselves busy while we stayed here. Lovely.

I went straight to the wooden training post, removing my gloves.

With vigor, I went at that thing as if it were Orochimaru himself...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Roughly three hours passed... And I heard the door open. I flicked a glance that way.. And was surprised when I saw who had walked in.

"Yes, Hinata-chan?"

"Sasuke-kun... Why... Why did you stand up to Neji-niichan for me...?" It must've taken every ounce of her self-confidence to come here on her own. Huh.

"Because I can't stand his self-righteous, hypocritical bullshit. Because you deserve better than that. Because he needs a kick in the ass. ...Because I felt like it."

"...Naruto-kun says you're nice to all your friends... And cruel beyond belief to people you consider your enemy."

"...I am." It was fairly true... For the most part.

"Please... Don't hurt him. He is not a bad person... But he is conflicted..."

I sighed. "Until he pulls his head out of his ass, he is my enemy, and I won't show mercy. Why do you defend him? For the friendship you once had? Or because he is family?"

"...Both." She responded, nearly whispering.

"When the day comes that he no longer makes an ass of himself, I will consider him a friend and comrade. Until then... He is an enemy like any other. Hinata; I don't want to see you get hurt, and I'm willing to go to any length to protect you, the same as I would my own family. The same as I would do for Naruto, for Sakura, for sensei."

"But.. Still.." She looked down, her eyes tearing up once more.

"Hinata." I walked over, placing a hand on her trembling shoulder.

"...You're too nice. I won't kill him, I promise you that... But if he hurts you, I will not hesitate to tear him apart. Now go on, before one of the proctors tries to disqualify you for being in here." I offered a kind smile, opening the door for her.

She wiped her eyes, walking out as I followed. My knuckled were bloody enough as is for today.

"...Hey. You gonna ask out Naruto after the exams?"

She turned bright red. "W-w-w-What are you talking about?!"

"Eheheh, I'll take that as a no. Hey, if you're too scared or embarassed, I'll do it for you."

"...Ask him out for me, or ask him out yourself?" She asked, looking half puzzled, and half-intriqued.

...Possibly interested in the mental picture of myself and Naruto making out. Hey, we're both some good-lookin' dudes. 'Cept I'm not into guys...

"...wierd. Naruto asked the same thing when I threatened to ask you out for him."

She turned a darker shade of red. "Y-Y-Y-YOU WHAT?!"

I chuckled... "After the exam, go and talk to him. Otherwise I'll set him up with Sakura. Got that?" She nodded vigorously. Heheheh, score!

"Good, good. Now skedaddle."

...She skedaddled, alright. Damn quick.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Self-sacrifice… a nameless shinobi who protects peace from within its shadow…_" -Shisui Uchiha

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_


	16. Chapter 16 The Preliminaries! Part 2

**Naruto; What If**

**Third Arc; Chuunin Exams**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 16 - The Preliminaries Part 2!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

And so... The remaining two days passed... In that time, myself and my team worked on strategies, tactics, and ways to fight. I told Naruto that if he went up against Kiba, to conjure as many shadow clones as possible, before using the Harem jutsu.

...I just knew that Kiba's adolescent mind would be completely fucked. Heheh. I advised Sakura to cut her hair so an opponent cannot grab it, and train more with hand-to-hand.

Oddly enough... After I made some offhand comment to Naruto that I prefer girls with short hair, (Carefully making sure Sakura was listening in) she agreed to cut it. Which, of course, I got voluntold to do.

Lucky me.

Now, I'm no artist, but I had a razor sharp knife, and some decent attention to detail. I managed to get her hair shorter without looking mangled or mangy.

...She kinda liked it, since it made her look slightly tomboyish, yet less girlish and more womanly.

Well, that's how she described it. I just said it looked nice, since she'd no longer be tripping over it or getting caught by it.

Me? I spent time working on my shunshin, trying to refine my accuracy and timing. I was seriously going to need it during the next part of this test...

I also made a serious pont of avoiding Team Guy at mealtimes, choosing to go and grab a bite at the oddest of hours. Usually right after I'd finished my workout routine and shower. Strangest thing... The second-to-last day, I was in the cafeteriasnacking when guess who walks in.

Female. Three guesses.

...

If you said Ino Yamanaka... You're dead wrong. It was... Kin Tsuchi. Wierd.

I finished eating the food in front of me, polishing off the plate.

"Ah, so your team made it. Congratulations, miss Tsuchi."

She levelled a glare at me.

"How do you know my name?"

I shrugged, wiping up the last of my sausage gravy with a biscuit. "I make a point of knowing all the pretty girls' names."

"You can stop trying to flirt with me. It's not going to work."

I raised an eyebrow. "Oh? What's not going to work?"

She scowled. "Whatever it is you've got planned. I'm not telling you anything."

I chuckled. "You don't have to say a word. I already know everything I need to. Your boss' plans, four-eyes' allegiance, most all of your techniques and tricks... Yeah, it means nothing to me. I'm just an observer; content to sit back, relax, and watch things play out."

She stared at me... "...If you know so much, then why did you let us live before? I know you were holding back."

I quirked that eyebrow again. "I thought you might prove entertaining... And you already have, so far. That little show in the forest was rather nice. Say, was that spare set lace?"

She blushed bright red, glaring at me. "W-Wait! Those went missing!"

I chuckled again, reaching into my pocket, retrieving said undergarments. "Are these the ones you're thinking of?"

"H-HEY! PERVERT!" She rushed over snatching them from between my fingers, as I just laughed and laughed.

"What? It was my clone that took them. I've just been waiting for an opportunity to return them." I smiled my most tranquil smile. Frankly, Sasuke can pull off an epic look of tranquility. When he wants to, that is.

While she took back her things, grumbling, I asked, "So, do you know what snake-man has in store for you and your team?"

She froze, her body rigid. There was practically a creaking noise as she turned to look at me, eyes like saucers.

"W-wha... How..."

I slowly, ever so slowly, morphed my expression from kind and tranquil, to a completely blank stare. "You three are nothing more than sacrifices. Disposable pawns. Throwaway redshirts. Even your own team wouldn't have hesitated to kill you, had you been taken captive. Tell me, girl; have you any family? Any friends? Anyone you would claim as your own?"

She simply stared, slightly uncomprehending. "How... Who are you? How would you know that?!" ...I think I struck a chord. Hook, set.

"I know _everything._ I want you to ask yourself; if you screw up, would Orochimaru forgive you...? Would he ever grant a second chance? If you cannot immediately say yes, and believe it... Then you're following the wrong people. I'm warning you now; what he plans _will_ backfire in some way. That's just his luck. And that will backlash upon his subordinates." Time to reel 'er in.

My bloodline activated, slowing rotating clockwise, boring into her eyes. Into her very soul. "W-w-who are you?! Just how do you...?!" She had started taking steps back, looking both fearful and panicky.

I suddenly shifted back into tranquil-happiness mode. "I am Sasuke Uchiha; a lazy, good-for-nothing who happens to have a keen eye and an ear to the ground. And you, are Kin Tsuchi; a pawn who is being used to the fullest, before your true purpose is revealed. In a matter of days, I am going to offer you a way to subvert your fate. What you do from there, is entirely up to you." ...Sinker. Or is it stinker, in this case? Heheheh, mindfuck complete, time to see if she'll go for it when the time comes.

I stood, turning, walking out of the cafeteria, ignoring her stare.

...Not sure how this will turn out later, but she just might prove useful. One way or another.

...Whether she realises it or not.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**The day of the Preliminaries arrives**

At the end-time of the second exam, all the Genin who passed were called down to the arena room... An area that practically looked like it was used for blood sports.

There were 21 Genin... With the Hokage, the proctors, and all of the Jounin watching. I was staring at one in particular, on the far left... With an Oto hitai-ate.

Just before anyone spoke, I raised my arm high in the air, waving it over-enthusiastically, shouting, "HI, OROCHIMARU!"

...Needless to say, everyone stared, whereas 'Aizen,' or whatever his fake name was, facepalmed, before just shrugging when most of the other Jounin AND the Hokage stared at him. Anyway... Moving along.

As the Hokage, and then Hayate, went over the rules, I toned everything out, trying to figure out how I'd do this... I was going up against the guy with the sunglasses.(Not Shino)

Before they finished up, I whispered something to Naruto. ...Which was then passed on to every other Genin in attendence.

Kabuto quit, and they showed the big-ass screen that would rattle off the combatants. I made a small prediction...

"Betcha I'm in the first match." I said, out loud, to Naruto and Sakura, mere moments before...

"*Cough* Combatants Sasuke Uchiha, and Yoroi Akado, remain on the floor. The rest of you, please move up onto the balconies."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Everyone did so, and I was left standing there in the middle of the 'ring' smirking. My sharingan flared to life, and I stared down this punk...

Who happened to be a head taller than I. Damnit.

As he chuckled to himself, I drew my sword, flipping it, and stakign it in the floor.

This was considered strange by several onlookers, but Hayate, the sickly Tokubetsu Jounin proctor, ignored it and referreed the match.

The fights were basically deathmatches, but he would step in if necessary to avoid a massive bodycount.

Considering this bastard was one of Pedochimaru's? I wouldn't give him the chance.

As my team cheered me on, I considered a final plan of attack...

"Are you both *Cough* ready...? Begin!"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Yoroi began flicking through handseals while I stood there nonchalantly. I casually inspected my fingernails.

...This, of course, pissed him off. He finished his chakra-leeching jutsu and ran right at me, about to grope me into submission.

He wasn't too fast or strong... He was a generic mook, with a suped-up close-quarters skill. Worthless...

I increased my chakra flow, easily side-stepping his attack, before turning and giving him a firm kick in the ass, sending the big guy sprawling.

In the seconds that followed, I summoned four shadow clones, all of which pounced on him.

As they held him down, I started flying through handseals, focusing my chakra.

"You know what, you're pretty damn lucky. Now, I normally don't like showing off, especially not for cannon fodder like you... But for today, I'll make an exception." Within moments, I was holding a handheld ball of pure electricity...

Accompanied by the annoying *Chichichichichichichichi!* of course.

Might Guy and Kakashi both stared at me, quietly arguing with each other. My sensei stared hard at me, trying to glare me into submission.

I ignored him. I had a job to do, and a message to get across. My clones hauled the poor bastard to his feet, one socking him in the nuts to keep him compliant.

As he doubled over, they all dispelled. There was no fun in shooting someone sitting still, is there?

He stared at me, going over his options...

...When he saw that his master was glaring at him. He gulped, and refused to surrender.

I rushed straight at him, ready to impale him with extreme prejudice.

Now... I noticed Hayate's eyes widen, and he was about to step in...

I shunshined, landing directly behind Yoroi, my Chidori arm held high in the air...

Just before he turned, and well before Hayate could so much as twitch, I brought it down, from shoulder to hip, embedding into the floor.

... My entire right side was covered in blood, and as Yoroi's corpse fell to the floor,(Now in two pieces) I heard...

"**FATALITY!**"

...From several of the assembled Genin. Naruto and Kiba were the loudest, quickly followed by the sound of knuckles-on-skulls. Heheh. I always wanted to do that. shame I couldn't rip out his spine and beat him with it. Anyway.

"...And the winner by survival is Sasuke Uchiha. *Cough, cough*" The ref announced, still coughing, still staring at me.

As I stood there, covered in blood, I turned, leveling the patented Uchiha Sharingan Glare at 'Aizen,' AKA, Orochimaru.

Without hesitation, I took a knee, scraping up a decent amount of blood on my first two fingers, before standing back up, never breaking eye contact.

...And then I raised said blood-covered hand, and drew those two fingers across my throat in a slitting motion, leaving a trail of blood, before pointing them towards Orochimaru.(If you want a visual, go and read Berserk. Guts does this to get his point across to someone, and yes, it was my inspiration)

_**"One down... Five to go."**_ I announced, loud and fucking clear. ...Oh, sweet kami, the _looks _on everyone's faces were collectively priceless. The three Sound Genin looked like they were about to shit themselves, as Orochimaru himself smirked.

I turned, placing my clean hand in my pocket, strolling over to the stairs, casually pulling my sword from the floor as I did so, draping it over my shoulder.

...This was the single most badass thing I have yet done. And it probably will be until the day I smite Akatsuki.

Or get laid. Either one.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Once back with my team, I sheathed my sword, and then shook off some of the blood on my arm.

"Eugh, Kakashi, how the hell do you use that technique without getting covered in blood?"

"...Very carefully."

I gave him a deadpan stare. "Thanks for the advice." I got fed up with it and removed my bauldric before tearing off my shirt, then using it to wipe off as much of the claggy gunk as I could.

"S-Sasuke.. Why... Why did you..." Sakura was shaking, standing next to me, for once not ogling me when I was without a shirt. Naruto was also staring, when Kakashi reiterated her question.

"Yes, Sasuke, why did you kill him? You easily could've just knocked him out, or at least gone for a nonlethal attack. I didn't teach you the Chidori simply so you could go and kill whenever you _felt_ like it." His voice was as hard as it had been when he fought Zabuza back in Wave.

I sighed. "He was a spy for Orochimaru, same as Kabuto and his other teammate. The Sound ninjas are also in league with him... The Oto Jounin over that? That'd be Orochimaru himself. Note the missing right arm. Yeah, he had it before he attacked us in the forest. And I owe you for that, sensei. It took three simultaneous Chidoris, but I cleaved off his arm."

He was silent for a long time...

"...The Hokage has been watching him very carefully... He knows. And just how do you use multiple Chidoris at the same time?"

"Shadow clones." ..He Aha'd, and went back to observing the second match. Shino had just gone on about having an ace in the hole.

Naruto gulped. "Sensei, what should we do?"

"For now, Naruto... Nothing. Fighting him here would prove less than advantageous. We still aren't sure of Suna's allegience."

*KA-POW!*

...Owch, we just witnesed Zaku's arms get blown off. Dumbass knows nothing of physics... And how he didn't notice the bugs crawlin on his hands, I'll never know.

Ah, well. Shino's intelligence and tactics are second only to Shikamaru.

Next up... Misumi, or rubber-man, as I call him, against Kankuro.

As we watched on, I shouted, "Kick his ass, Dollboy!"

...Kank's eye twitched, and he flipped me off. Eh, can't win for losing.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

While they fought, I turned to my team. "So, do you guys suppose he likes dolls and makeup becuase he just can't get a girl, or 'cuz he was abused as a child?"(If you laughed at this, go and thank Kyugan, right here on Fanfiction. I remade a bastardized version of his joke here 'cuz I had nothing better to write. Plus it's funny! And classic! And awesome! If you want more humor like this, go read Cry of the Youko, written by Kyugan. Unfortunately, never finished. Sigh...)

Naruto cracked up, falling over and rolling, holding his sides. Sakura doubled over laughing, using the handrail to steady herself. Kakashi?

He guffawed out loud for a few moments, before he calmed down into fits of chuckling, wiping a tear from his eye.

"Sasuke... That's wrong. Just wrong." I shrugged.

"Hey, you laughed. At least I didn't make a blow-up doll comment." ...Que the renewed chuckling. Again, go and thank KYUGAN! RIGHT NOW! He's one of my heroes on here!

...Ahem, broken fourth wall aside...(Go read Ron the True Fan! Review! Read my other stories! Go and get me a-! *Gaack!*) ...My apologies. Please excuse me while I strangle my inner commentator. Moving on.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Welp, Kankuro whipped Rubberband-Man's ass, and then they announced the third match... Before I forget, at least the guy had one epic moment. When his puppet's head spun and said, "Then is it my turn now?"

...My god, that was still funny as all hell.

Well, next was Sakura against Ino. I patted my pnik-hair'd teammate's shoulder reassuringly.

"You're up, Pinky. Go and kick blondie's ass!" I offerred her a smile, which she returned as she hopped over the rail, landing down below.

Welp, time to tune this shit out.

...

...

Yeah. I cheered right alongside Naruto, but the match ended in a double-knockout. though Sakura took a page from my book and fought dirty, kicking crotches, stomping toes, pulling hair, poking eyes... Yeah, she fought hard and well.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After those two... Temari and Tenten were up. During the time she'd spent working with me on chakra control, I'd suggested she train harder on kenjutsu for hand-to-hand, since throwing weapons are useless against a user of wind-style ninjutsu.

...This didn't really help her very much. She got her ass whipped, badly.

...That sickening crunch from when her spine connected with Temari's fan was horrifying. Unlike Lee, I'm more of a preventer, not a mitigator.

"Winner of the fifth match... Temari no Sabaku. *Cough, cough*"

She was going to throw the bun-headed weapons' mistress, however...

I moved just before Lee did, shunshining behind the blonde girl, placing a kunai against her throat. Lee landed in front of her, braced to catch his teammate.

"...Don't even think about it." The Suna kunoichi froze, tense. If she moved forward so much as half a centimeter, she would die.

"Lee." I said one word... And he was right there, gingerly lifting the brunette into his arms, carrying her to the approaching medics.

I took my time removing my knife. "Such actions... You're no better than a common brigand. Killing is one thing... Being pointlessly cruel to a defeated opponent is another entirely."

...And I walked off, back to the balcony. I knew it was going to happen, but still... Sadism pisses me off. I know damn well I'm a hypocrit... But it still angers me.

Strange... Before, I wouldn't have cared. Now...

I think Sasuke's emotions, morals, and views are overwriting my own... Slowly but surely.

Hmm.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Nnnnnext up! Shikamaru and Kin.

Hmm... What to do...

Of course, Shika knocked her clean the fuck out with the wall, but I nudged Kakashi.

"Post an Anbu in her hospital room... Make something up about serious head injury. Don't let her be taken. I have a feeling she might prove useful later on."

The silver-haired Jounin stared at me in silence for a moment...

But he performed a shunshin and vanished. I only hoped that an Anbu guard would prevent her from being taken... I've got plans for her.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After that, Naruto and Kiba's match was next.

"Aaaalllrriiight! It's my time to shine!" I grabbed his shoulder.

"Remember what I suggested, Naruto. If it doesn't work, you'll pound him into paste for me, right?" I grinned.

He did the same. "A'course."

And he jumped down into the arena, grinning like a madman.

When the fight started... Naruto surged a MASSIVE amount of chakra, and summoned as many shadow clones as possible. They were all over the place... Surrounding Kiba, standing on the walls, hanging from the balconies, hanging from the ceiling, flirting with Hinata... Hot damn.

...Then Kakashi returned. "Yo. What'd I miss?"

I grinned. "Naruto's about to turn Kiba inside out with a jutsu that defeated the Hokage himself. You're not gonna want to miss this!"

I activated my sharingan, wanting to forever burn today's events into my memory...

Naruto was grinning, as Kiba freaked out.

"All-right! Harem jutsu!" He, and every naruto clone in the room,(Sans the ones flirting with Hinata) transformed into Naruko, the hot, busty, buxom female version of Naruto.

Completely. Naked.

And they all surged and engulfed dogboy.

"_KIIIIBAAAAA-KUUUUUN..._"

...He got an explosive nosebleed, fell over, and passed out.

I just laughed my ass off as Kakashi himself facepalmed.

"So that's... The technique that defeated the Hokage... Amazing. Really."

Hayate finished wiping the blood from his nose and inspected Kiba. Who was sprawled out on the floor. Unconscience. With a boner.

"...Kiba Inuzuka in unable to fight.*Cough, cough* The winner is Naruto Uzumaki."

Akamaru, the puppy, was sitting by Kiba's prostrate form, shaking his head.

"Ha-ha, yeah!" ...And alll the clones dispelled. Except the ones STILL flirting with Hinata, of course.

Once he was back up with us, grinning like an idiot, we high-fived. "Righteous. Poor horny bastard never knew what hit 'im."

"I still can't believe that worked. He's gonna be mad as hell when he wakes up."

I chuckled. "That's the point. Least you beat him without injuring anything but his pride."

"Heheh, yeah. How'd you know that would work, anyway?"

I shrugged. "I figured he was a virgin is all."

"...Eh, guess so. Heh. Heheh. Only way he's getting a girlfriend is if he finds one that into doggy-style."

...We both started chuckling at that.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Of course... Next up is Hinata and Neji's fight. Well... More of a curb-stomp battle, really. STILL angers me to no end that they rigged the fights to be that way... So as to see which house was stronger. Assholes.

Both of them were down there, standing, waiting for the match to begin...

That's when Neji opened his big mouth. He went off on his rant, trying to break her by talking...

That's when I snapped. I smashed my fist against the rail, bending the steel down several inches.

"ENOUGH OF THE FUCKING MIND GAMES! THERE IS NO FATE BUT WHAT WE MAKE! HINATA! **KICK! HIS! ASS!"**

"YEAH, HINATA! SHOW HIM THAT YOU CAN CHANGE! SHOW HIM HOW MUCH YOU'VE GROWN!" ...Now I'm hoping she doesn't flash him.

...While that would be a decidedly effective tactic, and I wouldn't mind the free show, I...

...

...Can't think of a single decent reason not to at this point in time. Eh.

And so... The fight commenced. Hinata ran up to him, and they fought a jyuuken duel. Which doesn't look like all that... Unless you have either a sharingan, or byakugan. In which case, it really lights up.

Hmm... Strange... So very strange... He had indeed stopped the chakra flow in her arms. It was barely visible now. Ah, what to do... Aha.

"HINATA! HE'S BLOCKING YOUR CHAKRA FLOW!" Quite suddenly, Hinata's eyes widened, and she jumped back, panting. She was obviously a little worse for wear, but she really looked desperate when she checked under her jacket.

Her arms were covered in penny-sized bruises, and she swallowed.

...Just before hacking up a couple shot glasses' worth of blood. Owch.

"HINATA! YOU CAN DO IT!" My teammate shouted, cheered, gripping the handrail so tight his fingers were turning white.

Me...? I was, too. It ached to see someone so kind getting hurt so badly...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

The fight didn't last much longer. Oddly enough, Hinata drew a kunai, switching to the standard taijutsu. She wasn't very proficient with it, but she managed to land a few pretty deep cuts in Neji. I was proud of that. Damn proud. She reminded me so very much of..

Of...

...

..I... I can't remember...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Guhaaah!" One last strike... And she fell, hacking up blood.

Neji gloated, making some snide comment about this being predetermined...

...I suppose it was, in a way.

But not quite.

"The match is over. Hinata is unable to-" Hayate began, when...

"Not yet!" Naruto called.

...I remained silent, knees bent, muscles tense, ready to step in and prevent further injury.

But she stood up, shaking, panting, clutching her side.

...With determination, and conviction in her eyes. Naruto really is a good influence on her.

"I...Am.. Not dead... Yet." She vowed, struggling back into a fighting stance.

"You have always hated yourself for your own weakness... But people cannot change. ...If you continue, you will die. You, who has been forced to bear the weight of the main house... Who suffers, struggling against the destiny of the main house... You need not continue fighting it." He stated, calmly. Calculating, cold, callous...

"But I... Neji-niisan... Am not the one suffering... The one... Who struggles... With his own destiny... Is you."

...Neji's entire body stiffened... Now or never!

I moved, faster than ever before...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I landed right in front of Hinata, facing her, bracing myself for the pain.

...Well, it hit like a freight train.

Let me see... A strike from the gentle fist feels like... Well.

Like someone takes an ice pick, freezes it, and stabs you with it. Then inside of you, the pick opens... Like an umbrella of pure agony.

...I then heard the four Jounin landing next to us, restraining Neji.

"Ngh...!" Even as I felt my mouth fill up with blood, I turned my head...

Glaring backwards, right into his eyes. Now, when I stared down Orochimaru, who mysteriously disappeared some while ago, it was simply cold, professional distrust and resentment.

This time...? I felt the burning, blood-boiling fury that comes from adrenaline, from instinctively wanting to protect someone.

Guy had been sayign something quietly into his student's ear, and it probably wasn't sweet nothings. Once he stopped talking... I began.

"...I cannoy kill you when you remained within the boundaries of the match... But for what you did just now..." ...I focused chakra into my sharingan, and I could feel it working... "...You better consider yourself damn lucky that she asked me not to kill you."

Neji's eyes widened, and he suddenly took a step back, away from the Jounin, then another. His eyes flicked all around the room, as he began to shiver and shake...

...He was seeing something... Hmm... Is this the genjutsu ability of the sharingan...?

I'm guessing it was, since he suddenly shouted and threw his hands up in front of his face, trying to block something unseen.

I'd imagine he was seeing his own death just now, judging from how freaked out he looked.

"Gahhah!" *Ka-Thumpk!* Hinata coughed, splattering the floor with more chunky, dark red blood, just before she keeled over, her knees buckling.

"Shit! Hinata! MEDIC!"

I dropped to a knee, turning the girl over as she coughed up more and more blood...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

The med-nins got there after a few tense moments, taking her away on a stretcher.

Naruto made his oath of returning Neji's cruelty, as I watched the medics carry Hinata away...

When I turned around again... Neji was standing next to Guy, who was giving his student a hard stare. Kakashi was looking at me, pleading with his eyes.

...Hmph.

Neji made the mistake of glancing in my direction... Eye contact was made, if for only an instant.

And by Kami... He saw death. This time... I tried to consciencely form a horrifying image for him to see.

The Reaper... Walking across the arena... Scythe in hand, approaching... With evey step, darkness covered eveything behind him, as the lights all went out...

...Before he saw himself, standing there, smugly staring at himself, unaware of the approaching shinigami...

...Needless to say, he once again saw his own death.

After Neji snapped back to reality, looking around, breathing hard, I walked back up to the balcony, feeling like skewering the prick. But since I had an audience.. And he proves to become useful after the finals... Damnit.

Prick.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

The next match was announced. Gaara against Lee.

I grabbed his shoulder just before he jumped down.

"Oy, Lee. The guy uses sand for everything... Be careful. And don't let him catch you with it, no matter what. The Jounin can't step in fast enough to keep him from killing if you get caught."

He looked puzzled, but nodded, jumping down onto the arena floor.

The moment he was down there, I moved closer to Guy. ...Neji had left already.

I spoke quietly. "Oy."

"Hm? Yes?" He responded, sounding wary, but being friendly and polite.

"Please step in and protect your student _before_ he gets seriously hurt. I know he can use the inner gates, but at his level, taijutsu alone isn't enough to beat Gaara."

The tall man stared at me. "...You know of the gates? And how can you be so sure?" My serious tone got one in return, so at least he wasn't just going on about Lee's greatness and drive.

"Because I know the full extent of both of their abilities. Lee can use up to the fifth gate, but that isn't enough, even if he removes his weights. Gaara... He is on-parr with Jounin. I wouldn't risk fighting him head-on under any circumstances. There have been numerous assassination attempts, yet he went without so much as a scratch."

The bowl-headed man was staring at me. "...You're a strange individual, even for one of Kakashi's students."

I shrugged. "I care for my comrades as though they were my brothers... Though I still fight with them at times. My friends are the only family I have, and I'll go to any length to protect them."

"...That's a strange sentiment... Considering you killed Yoroi in cold blood." The spandex-wearing ninja noted.

"He, Kabuto, and Misumi are subordinates of Orochimaru. They've been working as spies in Konoha for years now... And my actions broke no rules. Right now I'm simply trying to prevent more needless deaths. Before you speak of Neji, I will honor Hinata's wish. If I fight him, I'll not kill him. He is an arrogant prick... But a Leaf shinobi, nonetheless."

...He neglected to respond to that.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**ANNOYING STORY CUT NO JUTSU! **

**...TO BE CONTINUED.**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Self-sacrifice… a nameless shinobi who protects peace from within its shadow…_" -Shisui Uchiha

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Kakashi gave his infamous one-eyed-crinkled-so-it-looks-like-he's-smiling-but-in-reality-he-might-very-well-be-flipping-you-off-in-his-mind" (This line is courteoous of DarkPetal16, who wrote the AWESOME fic 'Sakura.' I read this just this morning, and it's quite like my own story in many respects; And it is EPIC! Go read it! Right now!)


	17. Chapter 17 The Preliminaries! Part 3

**Naruto; What If**

**Third Arc; Chuunin Exams**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 17 - The Preliminaries Part 3!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**...Last time on Naruto; What If...**

_**No. Just, no. If you wanna know what happened, go back one chapter and reread it. Lazy bastards. **_

Hmph.

Anyway...

Guy neglected to respond to my statement, as he was watching the procedings.

The sounds of Lee getting his ass kicked while never touching Gaara's where quite loud, when Guy announced,

"LEE! Take 'em off!"

Lee stared at his sensei. "But Guy-sensei... You said I am only to remove them to protect many precious people.."

"I'll make an exception!"

Lee beamed, grinning wide. He looked as if it were Christmas, his birthday, and Halloween all rolled into one.(If you can guess what book this is from, or even the name of the author, I'll make an Omake in your name!)

"Yes, Sensei!" Lee sat down upon the shinobi handseal statue, removing his legwarmers, and pulling off two sets of weights.

I heard Temari snort across the room. "Pfft, as if removing a few pounds is going to let him-"

***BA-BOOM!***

"...The fuck?"

"Ah, that is much better!"

I grinned. "Hey, Guy! Where can I get a set of those?"

He did his traditional Good-Guy Pose. "Don't you worry, student of my eternal rival! I'll set you up! Now Lee! GO!"

"YES, SENSEI!"

And he. Fucking. Vanished.

I activated my sharingan to watch what was happening...

Damn. Lee was moving faster than Kakashi... Amazing.

I was going to have to learn how to unlock the inner gates someday...

Hmm... I'll observe Lee with my bloodline and see if I can't mimic it.

"Sasuke? When did the fully awaken your dojutsu?" My sensei asked, startling me from my concentration.

"...When Pedochimaru attacked us in the forest. He used... Some kind of genjutsu. After that... I was nearly paralysed by his killing intent. I'd never before thought I would be affected by it, after facing Zabuza... Then something wierd happened."

"...Wierder than being attacked by a rouge Sannin? And surviving? This I've got to hear."

"I blacked out for a moment... And had a strange conversation with myself. Or my inner selves, I should say." I was wierded out by this... It would be good to hear from an experienced Jounin that I'm not crazy.

Hardy, fucking, har.

"...Selves? As in, more than one?"

I nodded. "Two. Myself, one that looked... Evil, for lack of a better word, and the other was completely benign... He looked like me when I was in the academy. One represented fear, survival... The other, anger and instinct."

Kakashi was silent for a good while. "You never told me or Sakura about that!" Naruto cried, looking shocked.

"I didn't want to worry the two of you. So, sensei, am I wierd, or just fucking insane?"

Kakashi hesitated before responding. "I'm... Not sure. That sounds awfully similar to the fight-or-flight instinct... But instead of running..."

"I fought. I chose to go against destiny... To kick fate right in the daddy-bags. I'd say it was pretty damn effective, too. We're still breathing, ne?"

"...And here I thought Naruto was the Determinator in Konoha."

I shrugged. "Me, Naruto, Lee... Eh, we all qualify. When Death comes for me, I'll spit in his eye, kick him in the shin, knee 'im in the bones, stomp his toes, and he'll have to drag me away kickin' an' screamin'. And Naruto..." I turned to my teammate. "I expect nothing less from you." He grinned.

"I'm not planning on dying just yet. I'm not hokage yet. I've got too much to do... Too many things left unfinished..."

"...And too many women left unbedded." I gave one of my rare cocky grins, the kind that instills either confidence or ire in all who witness it.

...Our conversation was cut short when Lee used the Lotus against Gaara, only to find that the redhead had escaped the worst of it...

I whistled. "I guess it seems that Lee is still getting his ass kicked... Hope his trump card can knock out Gaara in one hit."

...Naruto remained quiet, intently watching the fight below.

Lee was getting pounded into the arena... Quite litterally. And it was the stone that was taking the most damage. Lee was badly beaten and bruised, but he was still standing.

...Just before he looked up to Guy who gave a slight nod...

And then... Lee'd whole chakra system lit up like the Fourth of July. He took a breath, and smirked, his vigor restored.

He used the second gate... Pulsing an immense amount of chakra through the mind.

I think I can replicate that... In theory.

Anyway. Lee then started to do his own version of a DBZ power-up sequence, screaming and changing skin color, followed by what appeared to be chakra flowing off of his body, with his hair flying up from the change in air current.

...At least it didn't turn blonde and spiky. CRI, anyone?

Heheh.

Well, from there, Lee fairly kicked Gaara's sorry emo ass. And left nothing but bootprints in return.

...That is... Until he used the Hidden Lotus. I acted mildly surprised. "Amazing... That boy is truly a genius on par with Neji and Naruto. He forced three of the inner gates open through sheer force of will... What a guy."

Kakashi nodded, while Guy smiled proudly. Like, fatherly pride. He swelled with it.

Until.

Till...

Gaara survived Lee's ultimate attack. Alive. Conscience. Murderous...

And still moving.

The Suna nin was laying in a pile of sand, his sand armor cracked through... But he shakily raised a hand, his sand movingin accordance with his own will.

Just like with Hinata... It's now or never... Shall I let thigns play out...?

**FUCK THAT.**

"GUY!" I shunshined, moving quick as I did for Hinata, grabbing Lee as he lay prostrate, rolling to the side, trying to avoid the sand.

I did, but... It was redirecting, coming closer...

I did what I could. I would accept nothing less.

I pumped as much chakra as possible into my legs, pushing towards our six o'clock.

It wasn't needed. Guy appeared in front of us, interrupting Garra's attack, as Kakashi himself appeared directly in front of me, ready to block whatever attack made it through.

...Nothing came close.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I settled Lee on the floor, checking his pulse...

He was alive, breathing. The proctor appeared next to the three of us, just as Gaara asked, "Why... Why did you save him?! He was not on your team..."

"Because he is my student. Because he is like a son to me... Because he is precious to me." Guy replied,staring down the jinchuuriki.

"He is my friend. My friends are my family. And I would willingly die to protect my family." I stared down the raccoon-eyed boy, hoping he wouldn't snap.

...He didn't. The proctor called the match in favor of Gaara, as Lee was unconscience, and for our intervention. The medics arrived moments later, taking Lee away on a stretcher.

As I stood, I felt Guy's stare on my back.

"...You risked your life to protect him. You knew that if either myself or Kakashi were even a moment late..."

I shrugged. "I was fully prepared for that possibility. I did what anyone else would do."

"...Thank you, from the bottom of my heart." I bowed, before the instructor started coughing again, shooing us off of the fighting area.

On the balconies, Naruto stared at me. "You... You were willing to die..? We don't even know Bushy-brows that well." Again, I shrugged.

"Death means nothing to me... It is merely an inconvenience. I accept it, but I will never embrace it. To reach my goals, I must abandon all fear, and death is the one thing that all life fears... So I have overcome that weakness. No matter the circumstances, there is always a way to come out on top. And... I would like to think of Lee as a friend."

Naruto was silent for a few moments... "...Yeah. I would, too. So what was that about kicking and screaming?"

I smirked. "I accept the inevitability of my fate... But that does not mean that I will embrace it."

"...Who said that? Certainly wasn't you." Smartass.

"Daniel Clarke."(COD Black Ops, by Treyarch. Good saying)

"...Never heard of him."

I smirked. "I'd be disappointed if you had."

He had no comment for that.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

All that was left was Choji's match...

He got down there, faced Dosu, and quickly, efficiently, and very fashionably got his fat ass kicked.

Owch.

We were then lined up in front of the Hokage, while he made a long-ass speech and explained that we would have a month to train for the finals. Yada, yada, yada...

I toned it all out, replaying my own theme song in my head, listening only when we got our listings in the fights. Same as in the canon... Me with Gaara, Naruto with Neji, ect. Wierd.

Reckoning, by Killswitch Engage.(Favorite ass-kicking song. Which I do not own, by the way)

Anywho. After another ten minutes of old-man-monologue-no-jutsu,(Ha ha!) we were finally released.

...I hauled ass to the hospital straight off. Didn;t even let the on-hand medics look at me. I tore off down the hall, outside, through the forest, moving faster than you'd think possible.

Especially for a Genin whose mind was a million miles away...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Upon exiting the forest, I jumped the fence, and tore off in the direction of Konoha General. When I reached the doors, I threw them open, dashing inside and right up to the receptionist, breathing heavy.

"Need... Room number... Hinata... Hyuuga..."

The late-twenties woman blinked, looking at a sheet.

"Ah, I'm sorry, but she's not allowed to have visitors at this time, not until she's been stabilized."

...I tried not to glare too hard at her. "Fine.. Sakura... Haruno."

She checked her list again... "Room 247."

...And I took off.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Upon reaching said room, I walked right in, finding Sakura lying in bed, looking bored.

"Yo. Guess Ino didn't quite knock the ugly outta you."

...She gave me a half-hearted glare.

"How nice of you..." I chuckled.

"Figured you didn't need an ego boost, seeing as you can still eat solids. Choji's living in hell right now... Poor guy's restricted to liquids only for three days."

She winced. "Oooh... Yeah. He's gotta be comatose right about now."

"And... Hinata... You don't wanna know. Let's just say that if she weren't so nice... I'd've castrated Neji then and there."

Sakura winced, remembering that when _I _say castrate, I mean ripping off certain tender bits before force-feeding them to the intended victim.

"...I get the feeling that I shouldn't know, or I'll wind up encouraging you to commit violence. Anything else I miss? Oh, how's Ino?"

"Blondie's fine, I do believe. Gaara pounded Lee into the pavement, Dosu whupped Choji. I'm facing Gaara in the finals, Naruto's fighting Neji, Shikamaru's against Temeri, the blonde from Suna, and Shino is matched with Kankuro. The dollboy."

Pinky took all this in... "So... You're fighting that monster... If he could beat Lee..."

I shrugged. "I'm not worried. I'll be doing some serious training, and besides... I have a cunning plan..."

"...Don't you always..."

I only grinned in response.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I wished her well, told her not to pull anything, and not to screw any hot orderlies without serious pain medication, or inviting Ino to help.

...She threw her pillow at me from that last comment. Heheh.

I whistled as I walked out, before heading back to the receptionist.

"Is Hinata able to recieve visitors yet?"

"Not yet, sir. Perhaps tomorrow-" ...

...She immediately pulled up short upon meeting my eyes.

"Then would you please tell me the room numbers of Rock Lee, Ino Yamanaka, Kin Tsuchi, and Choji Akimichi? Preferably before my urge to strangle you overpowers my logical side."

...She gave up those room numbers damn quick.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

First things first. I made a beeline for the room of the Sound Nin.

Finding it... I opened the door, and instantly found myself face-to-face with a tall man wearing an Anbu mask. It was the Cat.

...And a white coat. The hair on the back of my neck instantly shot straight up...

Before I noticed something. Purple hair. Looovely.

"...Yuugao?" I ventured, raising an eyebrow.

"...How do you know my name?"

I smiled. "Because I asked Kakashi to pull a favor and have an Anbu standing guard. I didn't think he would rope the captain of Anbu into guard duty."

She, and yes, I mean she,(I had mistaken her for a man for a moment.. That coat makes it difficult to differentiate, but her voice was a dead giveaway) took a step back, observing me.

I reraised that eyebrow. "...If you're trying to look through my clothes, good luck. Sakura tries whenever she has the chance."

The older woman didn't react. "Prove you are indeed Sasuke Uchiha."

I activated my sharingan, examining her own body for signs of a henge... None. "Will this suffice?"

...She leaned down, staring intently into my eyes...

"...Very well."

I nodded. "Thank you. By the way, be wary of any other Anbu that show up. Kabuto is a high-level med-nin that works for Orochimaru... He can easily disguise himself as nearly anyone."

She nodded, taking that information wordlessly, stepping aside.

I moved past, right over to the bed which Kin occupied. Against her will, it must be said.

"Mm-mmnph!" ...Her mouth was taped shut. I sighed. Looovely.

I walked up next to her, grasping said piece of tape.

"Hold still, and brace yourself. These things hurt like a bitch coming off."

*Kshhrrrriiiiippp!*

"OWW!"

I didn't bother chuckling. "How're you feeling?"

She stared at me. "...I've been kidnapped, chained up, gagged, and refused access to my village's assigned Jounin-sensei. How the fuck do you think I feel?!"

I nodded sympathetically. "Understandable. But when I tell you it's for your own protection, you're going to tell me I'm full of shit, right?"

She stared at me, deadpan. "Damn straight. What the fuck?!"

I rolled my eyes. "You're supposed to be used as a sacrifice in some jutsu of your boss'. You see the woman standing guard? She is the head of Konoha's Anbu. She isn't here to keep you in; a low-level Chuunin would be more than enough for that. No... She's here to keep out people who would kill you. The only people stronger than her would be Kakashi, Guy, and the Hokage himself."

...She never said anything, but I felt Yuugao's glare on my back. Eh. In return for her protecting Kin... I'll warn her about Hayate. That should be more than enough as compensation.

...Strange. I still don't know what she sees in the sickly guy... Meh.

"...And why would I need protection from my own people?"

I smiled pleasantly. "Because you've been captured by the enemy, and they'll do anything to keep you from talking. IE, having a guard dog... Err, Cat, in this case, to keep enemies off of you is necessary. The other reason for that is to help reveal other enemies." I beamed. It was simple, yet elegant. "Besides, your so-called friends will kill you the moment they get the chance, so do try not to piss off the people keeping you alive."

This explanation wasn't appreciated, but it was taken better than if Id said Ibiki was on his way.

"...You're just waiting for the end of the exams to torture me." I raised an eyebrow.

"Why?"

"...What?"

I rolled my eyes. "You're a Genin. You don't know anything that we don't already. If we had any intention of interrogating you, you would NOT be lying in a comfortable hospital bed. You'd be lying on Ibiki's waterbed, or Inoichi would be here browsing through your mind's contents as though he were reading the paper."

She blinked, and I swore I heard Yuugao snort a laugh.

"...Waterbed?"

I expressed my most macabre grin. "You don't want to know. Leave it at that."

...She decided to just go along with that.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Self-sacrifice… a nameless shinobi who protects peace from within its shadow…_" -Shisui Uchiha

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain." -Anonymous. I found this on the fic Sakura, by DarkPetal16. Made me laugh, so I figured I'd share it with y'all.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Dear Students,_

_I know when you're texting. No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles. Except Mariana Cordoba._

_Sincerely, Observant Teacher_ _-Observant Teacher"_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

You know you're just too damned cute when this happens;

_Slowly, I turned to Kakashi, mustering up my darkest and most dangerous glare I could._

_He was still smiling._

_"I'm going to fucking murder you."_

_He patted my head. Bastard._

- ...Again, another line from Sakura, by DarkPetal16. If this doesn't make you laugh... Then get the hell out. Now go read her story. It's badass, man.


	18. Chapter 18 Training! Part 1

**Naruto; What If**

**Third Arc; Chuunin Exams**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 18 - Training! Part 1

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After carefully freaking out Kin, I turned and was making my way out, but stopped next to the Anbu.

"Hey... Keep a close eye on your boyfriend. He's supposed to observe a meeting between Suna and Oto, but if he gets caught, he won't stand a chance."

I couldn't see through the mask... But I could tell she was staring at me. I left before she could respond.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Nnnnext up! I summoned a shadow clone, handing him my wallet. "You know the drill."

"Yes, boss."

And he took off, leaving the hospital.

I whistled, and made my way up a floor.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I knocked twice, and walked in. "Yo. How ya feeling?"

"Just fine, Sasuke-kun."

I smiled. "Well, that's good. I was afraid you and Sakura would turn each other inside-out during that match."

"Ah... We tried." The blonde girl looked sheepish.

"You two missed a hell of a fight. Naruto beat Kiba without throwing a single punch. Choji got his ass handed to him by Dosu, and he can't eat solids for a few days. Poor guy. Shikamaru took down the Sound kunoichi like it was nothing, Lee was nearly killed by Gaara, Neji tried to kill Hinata... Shit, the whole event was hella fun to watch. Wanna hear the match-ups for the finals?"

Ino smiled. "Yeah, I haven't heard anything except my dad freaking out about my health. He means well, but he's..."

Suddenly, the door to her room opened, and I turned to see a tall, muscular, handsome man walk in. He wore... What looked like a badass samurai outfit, but without much armor. Kindof like Jiraiya probably looked some years back. He had a long blonde ponytail, like his daughter.

"Sweetheart, I've brought you- Wait. Who is this? What are you doing here? Have you been trying to defile my daughter?!"

...Definately overbearing. I smiled, chuckling lightly. "Not at all, Inoichi. I'm one of your daughter's classmates from the academy. I came by to check on her after the exam."

The man instantly brightened, grinning widely. "Ohh... Well, that's alright, then. Aw, my little girl's got herself a handsome boyfriend after all!... Just so you know, if you so much as kiss her before marriage, I will give you nightmares like you've never imagined for the rest of your miserable life."

"D-Daddy! He's not my boyfriend! Stop threatening him!" I nodded.

"Alas, I am not in a relationship with your daughter, Yamanaka-San. I'm not quite that lucky, I'm afraid. And you needn't worry over your daughter's virtue; you'd do better fretting over her boyfriend's."

...And I quickly left, leaving him to his BSOD.(Blue Screen Of Death. Basically, mindfuck)

...I got no more than fifteen feet when I heard him crying, begging his daughter to tell him she wasn't pregnant. Oh, she was so going to kill me later...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I ran into my clone on my way to Choji's room, who returned my wallet and handed me several stacked boxes.

"Thanks, Minion."

"Yeah, yeah, boss." ...He dispelled in a puff of smoke.

It took some finesse, but I got the door to Choji's hospital room open, and stepped inside.

I found Choji, lying in bed, manly tears flowing down his cheeks.

"Yo, Choji!"

He looked up and saw me walking in carrying boxes.

"Huh? Sasuke? What's all that?"

I grinned. "Lunch."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...Man, I don't think I've ever seen someone go through three bowls of ramen that fast before. Oh, well. "...Easy, man. You'll give yourself indigestion."

He shrugged, swallowing the last mouthfull he had.

"So why'd you bring this? Not that I don't appreciate it, I just didn't think you'd go out of your way for someone you didn't really know."

"Hey, hey. I came out of my way to check up on all of my injured comrades. Oh, yeah... I swiped this from Kakashi. Figured you'd be bored to death sitting here."

I pulled out said Icha Icha book, tossing it to the chubby boy.

...I've never before seen someone shed manly tears while reading porn with a boner, and simultaneously eating and groveling. He's got talent.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I left him to his book, wandering to Lee's room. Inside... I found him, lying in bed, looking pained.

"Yo, Lee!"

"Hm? Sasuke?" He looked puzzled to see me.

I grinned. "The one and only. I came by to make sure you weren't running laps or doing push-ups just yet. How ya holding up?"

"I am fine. I'll be back to normal in a few days."

"Well, that's great. Mind sparring with me a bit when you are?"

He looked puzzled. Again. "Sure, but if you don't mind my asking... Why?"

"You're the only one I know of that was able to injure Gaara... And I'm facing him in the finals. I'm nowhere near as proficient as you in taijutsu, so I'll be forced to rely on ninjutsu or genjutsu. For that reason, I wanted to see if I can't get better at hand-to-hand by working with you."

"Hmm... So you wish to learn more about your enemy. Clever."

I shrugged. "I know about most of his techniques, but you've got firsthand experience. Just how thick would you say his sand armor is?"

Lee thought on that for a moment... "About... Three quarters of a centimeter. It doesn't stop attacks, but he will not feel most of the impact. It did, however, make him at least forty pounds heavier. It slowed him down, somewhat."

I thought on that... Perhaps a water jutsu...

"Say... After I used the Lotus, I blacked out. What happened after that?"

"Gaara was about to kill you. Guy and Kakashi stepped in."

His bug-eyes widened considerably. "They did... Ah. It seems I owe Kakashi-san and Guy-sensei even more, now." He looked off into the distance for a moment... Thinking.

"Hey... Think dousing Gaara in water would make him even slower?" I asked, considering my plan.

"That would work... Though with the rest of his sand, you would need a lot of water." The bowl-headed boy responded, tilting his head.

I chuckled at the thought of a decent strategy... "I've got an idea for that... "

"...Something complicated, I take it?"

"Very. Sorry to cut this short, but I need to drop by and see if Tenten's up and about yet. Somehow I get the feeling she won't be riding her boyfriend for awhile yet. Have a good one, mate. I'll see you around."

Lee's cheeks darkened, but he said nothing as I walked out.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I made my way back down to the receptionist, and asked for the room numbers of Tenten and Hinata.

...This time she gave me both, but said that only family were allowed to visit the Hyuuga. Hmm. I'd interrupt their little reunion soon enough.

I first headed to check that Tenten wasn't paralyzed. At her room, I knocked and went in, finding her...

Lying on her stomache, topless, with a huge bandage on her back. Grumbling, complaining, and wincing. Heheh.

"Well, now... That looks painful. You doing alright?" I started over to her.

She looked over at me. "Better than before... Stings like hell, but I'll live."

I smiled. "That's good. Means you have no excuse to miss seeing the girl get her ass kicked by Shikamaru during the finals."

She blinked. "Shikamaru? That lazy guy is fighting her? ...She's going to murder him."

I grinned. "No chance in hell. The guy's a genius, and the only way he'll lose is if he forfeits."

"...Right." She sounded skeptical. And my grin widened even further.

"How about this... If Shikamaru forfeits his match, then you pay me fifty thousand?"

...She stared. "No way."

I raised an eyebrow. "I won't speak to him, contact him, or communicate with him in any way, shape or form between now and the finals. Consider this a tag-along to our other arrangement."

"...You already know he's going to give up. You're trying to get out of losing money on the other bet."

"...Guilty as charged." I smiled.

She shook her head. "You're despicable sometimes."

"Also guilty. You hear about Lee and Neji?"

She shook her head, frowning. "Guy-sensei dropped by and said Neji-kun was fine, and Lee-kun was heavily injured."

I scowled. I couldn't help it. "Lee suffered severe injuries due to using the Inner Gates and the hidden Lotus. He lost against Gaara, but he'll make a full recovery soon enough. Neji..." ...I involuntarily clenched my fist... I didn't notice.

When I took a breath to calm myself, Tenten asked, "...What did he do?"

"He fought against Hinata."

Her eyes widened immensely, and she sounded "Oh, Kami... Is Hinata alright?"

"...He tried to kill her. Tried his damndest... And almost succeeded. You have no idea how close I came to tearing his throat out. They've only just stabilized her condition... And only family are allowed to visit her."

Her eyes closed, and she looked remorseful... That's as close as I can read her. "Tell me he didn't hurt her too badly..."

"You know full well the difference in skill levels between those two. She coughed up more than a pint of blood, and if I hadn't stepped in, he would've stopped her heart. The only reason, and I repeat, the ONLY reason he isn't dead is because of Hinata. The last thing she said before she passed out, was to not hurt Neji. He's damn lucky that he's facing Naruto in the finals... He is far more forgiving than I."

She swallowed. "Naruto... Neji will slaughter him. He's one of, if not the, strongest Leaf Genin."

I chuckled darkly. "Hardly... The strongest Genin is Naruto, whether he knows it or not. Second is a draw between Lee and myself. Third is likely Neji... Though Shino, Shikamaru, and Kiba could easily give him a run for his money."

She blinked. "You're... Kidding me, right?"

"Not at all. Naruto is... Special. Unique. Lee has the second-greatest raw power of all the Genin, while I possess extreme skill, the sharingan, hightened strength, speed and reflexes. Shika is the most intelligent guy I know. Shino's damn close, but has a varied skill-set that relies on insects. Kiba is a powerhouse; a slightly dumber, much weaker version of Naruto."

"Naruto... The same Naruto that wears orange, has no concept of indoor voice, always used to hit on Sakura, eats at Ichiraku's, and was known as the greatest prankster?"

"The very same."

"Bull, shit."

I shrugged."You'll find out during the exam. Anyway... I'm going to go make sure Hinata's family isn't torturing her for losing."

"Huh? But you said only family could visit?" Her head tilted, eyebrow quirked.

"Uh-huh. But I have a secret passphrase that allows me access to any room in the hospital; I. Don't. Care."

She smirked. "Big surprise... Holy shit!"

She stared at my hands. I blinked, then looked down.

...My hands were balled up, crushing the steel rails of the bed. Oops. "...Uhh... Didn't do it!"

I turned and dashed out, calling behind me, "Sorry! Have a good one, Tenten!"

I heard something being thrown against the door as I ran. She intended to miss, I'm pretty sure.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I jogged down the hall, then moved to the ICU area.

Inside... I hauled ass to the room Hinata was being kept in.

Finding it, I found a sign on it that said, 'Family Visitors Only'

Well... She'll be my blood sister-in-law once Naruto marries her. Heheh.

I grabbed the handle, turning it, pushing the door open.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I stepped inside, greeted by the sight of Hinata, lying in a bed, several tubes connected to her arm, along with a few electrodes tacked to her temples and chest. She was in one of those lame hospital gowns, and her father was standing next to her bed, a fierce scowl adorning his features.

He had turned to face me when I came in, his frown deepening. Hinata's eyes lit up, but that elation was soon replaced with fear and worry.

"This room is open to Hyuuga only. Leave now."

I gave him a glare. "Don't care. I'm here to make sure you haven't killed her yourself."

"...What? Hinata is my daughter!"

I intensified my glare as I moved closer, keeping on Hinata's other side.

"Hasn't stopped you from practically torturing her. Or ever giving a damn about her wellbeing. You can admit you aren't here because you care about her; if you were, you wouldn't be glaring and scolding her for nearly getting killed."

"You-! Get out of here! Now!" He growled, barely containing his anger.

"Why? Because you know I'm right? Or because your pride won't let you admit it?"

"S-Sasuke-kun! Please!" She begged from her bed, eyes wide with fear.

I completely ignored Hiashi, moving closer to Hinata. "Hey, Hina-chan. You alright? Aside from your draconian father, I mean."

"I-I'm fine, really. Please j-just go..." I smiled, raising an eyebrow.

"I will, I will. I just wanted to give you a few minutes' reprieve from HIM yelling at you. Shall I have Naruto come by and visit you later?"

"Ano... Um, I'm not allowed to have visitors..."

I blinked. Then turned my fiercest glare back upon Hiashi...

"...I know it has been a long time since you've acted like a decent father, but why do you insist on making an ass of yourself?"

His eyes narrowed to slits. He shook with barely contained rage. "What do you know of me?... Get. Out."

Unconsciencely, my bloodline activated_. __**"I. Know. Everything!**_You were a kind and loving father until Hitomi's death. But after your brother's sacrifice, you stopped treating her as a daughter, and started treating her as though she were nothing more than a damned tool!"

For once, I saw Hiashi hyuuga look startled, shocked, and completely stunned.

I kept the pressure on. "Nothing she did was ever good enough for you. You gave up on her, saying she meant nothing to you! In front of her no less! Just because she didn't have the ambition to become the clan head? Neji tried his best to kill her, but I can at least understand why! He hates being treated as a slave for who his parents were, but you... You are worse than him! He has a reason! And what of you? She is your daughter, and you wouldn't give a damn if she died?!"

He didn't answer, as he stood there, shellshocked.

I stepped around the bed, getting right in his face. "ANSWER ME!"

"What... How..." He was still BSOD. Now to put the nail in the coffin.

"If you cared, would you act the way you do? I want you to tell me... Would Hizashi condone this? Would he remain silent, seeing the way you've treated her? I want an answer... What would Hitomi say? Would she ever forgive you for your actions? Could you look her in the eye now?!"

"She... You.. I don't have to justify myself to you!" He pulled up one last ounce of resistance, one last moment of spite...

"No. You don't. Not to me... But to her." I side-stepped, revealing Hinata's teary-eyed face. I... Regret doing this in front of her. But I lost my head. For some reason... Seeing her pain, her fear, her suffering... It angers a deep, primal side of me. The part that wanted to tear him apart, that wanted to kill Neji, that wanted to fight Orochimaru...

My true self.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I turned, walking away, leaving the room. Leaving them to their family issues.

Leaving that bastard to explain himself to Hinata. He OWED her that much.

...Worthless bastard. I also didn't want to see Hinata like that anymore... It was breaking my heart... And I don't know WHY damnit!

Argh, I hate that...

But I need to make it up to her for doing that, so... Ahh, shit. I fucked up.

Fuck.

FUCK!

...

I'll send Naruto later today...

With food...

...And dessert...

...and an apology...

...While wearing a speedo...

...And a bowtie...

...With condoms.

Yeah, that would really brighten her day. Heheheh. Maybe I will...

I just might send him with food laden with aphrodisiacs...

Mwahahahahahahahahaaa... THAT'LL get his attention...

Though it might give her a heart attack, what with her injuries.

Hm. She'd still probably say 'Worth it!'

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I left the hospital chuckling, heading for home, wondering what I would do for the rest of the day...

Ahh... what to do...

I... Had nothing. Hmm...

Wonder if the old man is in his office by now...

Worth a shot...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I arrived at the Hokage tower, feeling far more subdued than earlier. Wonder why...

As I got to the door to his office, I knocked twice, and waited...

"_Enter._"

I did so, finding old Sarutobi sitting at his desk, blandly staring at several papers.

"Ah, Sasuke. Is something the matter?"

I nodded. "Aye. I've warned you that Suna is planning an invasion with Oto; I'm here to offer advice on what I've learned."

The old bird raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And what have you found out?"

"That Kabuto and his squad were all traitors. I already knew this, which is why I showed Yoroi no mercy. Kabuto is a Jounin-level med-nin, and answers directly to Orochimaru. Who is currently posing as Aizen, the Sound Jounin. I asked Kakashi to post an Anbu agent to protect Kin Tsuchi, one of the sound Genin. She is... An informant, for lack of a better word. If given the chance, Oto will eliminate her. Ah, before I forget, Orochimaru is the Otokage. His own personal ninja village."

"That's... A lot to take in. Have you any proof of this?" He set down his paper, his full attention on me.

"Little. My sharingan revealed your former student's true form, but only Kakashi can confirm this. In exchange for my next piece of information, I require a favor."

"A favor? To aid your village's defense?"

"Yes. Something simple, really. Have Hayate take the next week off. Just make sure he isn't spying on any of the foreigners for the month."

He stared at me. "...And why is that?"

I blinked. "He is skilled in combat, but Baki is a combat specialist, whereas Kabuto is an equal to Kakashi. And Hayate's ability to remain undetected leaves something to be desired... Mostly because of that cough of his."

"But why are you specifically asking me to reassign him?"

I looked left, then right. "Because I owe Yuugao for watching over Kin for me. So I figured what better way to make it up to her than by keeping her boyfriend alive?"

"...Very well. What information do you have?"

"Suna is being manipulated. Orochimaru intends to kill the Kazekage and pose as him during the finals, before attacking you when the invasion starts. I also have information about his deadliest jutsu."

Hiruzen's eyes narrowed slightly. "...And just how did you acquire that?"

I grinned. "Kin is very nosy. She snuck into one of his labs when he was out and read a few of his journals. Do you recall the reanimation jutsu that your predecessor worked on, but never completed...?"

"Impure World Resurrection. What about it...?" He suddenly looked very wary.

"Orochimaru has perfected it. Well... Not perfected, so much as bastardized it. It requires a living sacrifice, and the soul of the individual being resurrected must be intact. He also needs genetic material of the ones being summoned. You have any idea which three people he intends to resurrect?"

"Don't tell me..." The blood drained from his face, leaving him looking pale and slightly afraid.

I nodded. "The Yondaime, the Sandaime, and the Nidaime. However... Since Minato used the Reaper Death Seal, his soul belongs to the Shinigami. So he cannot be resurrected unless the technique is perfected. The people resurrected won't last for long, but they have their full range of abilities. They are also placed completely under the summoner's will, and their bodies regenerate at incredible speeds."

"Kami... do you know of any weaknesses?" He looked panicked, as though he knew full well what fighting the first and second Hokages would be like.

"Yes... The souls of those summoned can be sealed, so as to prevent them from fighting. It requires an immense amount of chakra, and if you prevent Orochimaru from placing the contract upon those resurrected, they maintain their own will. They also retain their memories, making it a useful skill.. But as far as I know, it can only be performed on each soul once. Upon the defeat of the summoner, his will no longer affects those resurrected. Not sure if they would dispell or not.. Anyway. Keep the coffins from rising, and they won't be summoned. Also... Depending on the life force of those sacrificed, the resurrected may be weaker than they originally were."

"Such a jutsu... No wonder Tobirama declared it forbidden..."

I shrugged. "If perfected, it could serve as a useful way to bring about the strongest warriors and wisest leaders in a pinch. Do you think you could defeat Orochimaru by himself?"

The Hokage was silent for a moment... "...I taught him much of what he knows. Yes, I can. And will."

I grinned. "I hope so. Keep him from resurrecting the other Hokages, and he shouldn't prove too difficult. He also has four bodyguards that will form a nearly-unbreachable barrier when he attempts to kill you. Now, when the invasion starts, several Sound and Sand ninjas throughout the stadium will cast a large-scale genjutsu to put everyone to sleep. That's the signal. No offense, but I would feel better if you had a bodyguard or a dozen during the finals..."

The old man chuckled. "I'm not retired yet, boy. But thank you for your concern... I'll look into this further."

I bowed. "Thank you. Also, of the Kazekage... Whether you warn him or let him die is up to you. I've no sympathy for him. Not with the way he's treated his own son. That boy was treated as badly as Naruto."

The Hokage's eyes widened. "The youngest one... With red hair and dead eyes."

I nodded. "Gaara of the Funk... I mean, Desert. He's a jinchuuriki of the one-tail Shukaku, though he isn't an evil individual by nature. Given time... He could become a powerful ally. And before I forget... Kin, the girl. Would you promise me that she'll not be harmed, once the invasion is over with?"

"...That depends on how she behaves. If she is amicable, and passes a few psychological tests, then very well. I'll have Inoichi look in on her soon enough... And moved to a more secure location." Sarutobi puffed on his pipe, looking thoughtful.

I bowed once more. "Thank you. And... Please. Keep Danzo away from her. That man is worse than Pedochimaru... At least he is openly against the village, not trying to corrupt and wrestle control of it from the shadows."

The Hokage snorted. "Did you say... PEDOchimaru?" The corners of his mouth twitched up, mirth in his eyes.

"Uh-huh. He tried to feel up Sakura in the Forest of Death... Until he realised she was a girl. He didn't deny it, either... But he was really angry when I called him Afrochimaru."

The old man busted out laughing. "I though everyone had forgotten about that! Ah, I needed a good laugh. I have a plan of action for an invasion... Thank you for telling me."

"Of course. It's my village too, ya?" I used Naruto's signature grin-headtilt-headscratch

"Indeed... It is everyone's."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I was on my way out, wondering what was next on the agenda. Along the way, I ran into someone familiar. Someone powerful.

Someone... Wearing orange.

"Yo! Naruto!"

Said boy turned, glancing in my direction. "Hey, Sasuke! Where'd you run off to in such a hurry?"

"Eh, went to visit the hospital, then the Hokage. Hinata's doing alright, now... Aside from her asshold father, anyway."

He blinked, tilting his head. "Her dad? What's he done now?"

I snorted. "Went in and yelled at Hinata for losing. For nearly dying. I told him off and left once I was sure he wasn't going to make her feel like shit anymore... Hey. Do me a favor. Later today, or tonight, whenever you can, go to the hospital. Room 419, in the ICU. Take her some food, snacks, flowers, something. Red bean soup and cinnamon rolls, if you can find 'em."

He blinked. "Uh... Okay..."

I reached into my back pocket, fishing for my wallet. "Here, money for the stuff. Keep the rest and buy her a gift, or keep it for yourself. Just go an visit her, a'ight? Make your girlfriend happy."

He instantly blushed as I handed him a wad of ryo notes, before comically shouting and waving his arms around. "Sh-sh-she's not my girlfriend!"

"Not yet, anyway." I sniped, grinning at his blush.

"Y-yeah, yeah. Quit teasing me about her." He rubbed the back of his head, looking uncomfortable. His face was still red.

"Oh? And why should I? ...Tell you what. You ask her out, and I won't make fun of either of ya. Do it by the end of the Chuunin exams, or else I'll ask her out myself." ...I neglected to mention that I would ask her to go out with him. If all else fails I'll set 'em both up.

"F-fine! Eesh... Why do you keep trying to set me up with her..." My eyebrow quirked again.

"Because she's nice, likes you, and you deserve a cute girlfriend that isn't going to beat you. And once you learn to pay attention, you'll realise that Sakura's a bitch and a fangirl. Maybe she'll grow up, maybe not. I'm going with what I know will get results."

He blinked. "But why? Why are you trying to set me up?"

I sighed. "Man, I just wanna see you happy, and I know damn well that ain't gonna happen with a tsundere. I've seen the way you live, the way you're mistreated, and it makes me sick. And I'll never forgive her for just going along with everyone in that respect. Way I figure it, the best way to spit in their eye is to either kill 'em all, or live happily. And much as I would enjoy slaughtering those worthless shitheads... You wouldn't forgive me for that."

He openly stared at me, his expression unreadable... "Why... Why do you care?"

"Because you're my friend. Because I think of you as a brother. Because you're the closest thing to family that I've got... And because I actually give a fuck." This is how I truly felt... Naruto knew how it felt to be lied to, used, abused, and hated for everythign he did... He reminded me of myself.

Of course, I was much more badass, and less obnoxious. Plus I _**skullfucked **_the bastards that fucked me over, so I was going to help him to do the same... Hopefully without paying the consequences I'd suffered.

We both chuckled at my precision F-bomb and switch back to my normal sofisticated manner of speech.. "Good enough for me... Alright. I'll ask her out."

I turned, starting off. "Alrighty, then."

"Sasuke." I stopped, turnign back.

"Yeah?"

"...Thanks."

I waved him off. "Yeah, yeah, mate. Just don't come outta the closet on me."

...We both walked away, chuckling.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well... I had nothing else planned. Not a damn thing...

So, homeward bound we go... I wonder what tomorrow may bring...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_


	19. Chapter 19 Training! Part 2

**Naruto; What If**

**Third Arc; Chuunin Exams**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 19 - Training! Part 2

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well... I had nothing else planned. Not a damn thing...

So, homeward bound we go... I wonder what tomorrow may bring...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well... Tomorrow brings me...

...More mud on my damn sheets.

"Anko, you have five seconds to get your feet off my bed, or I swear to crap, I will rip out your ovaries and strangle you with them."

"...Well, aren't you just all warm and fuzzy today." She hopped off my bed, but I couldn't read her expression. Lovely.

"So sue me, I'm not a morning person. This about business, or a social call?" I sat up, setting my collarbone back into place.

She quirked an eyebrow. "Can it be both?"

"Great... Bad news first." I hauled my sorry ass out of bed, looking out the window.

Still dark. Of course...

"The Hokage wants to see you. Something to do with your girlfriend from Hidden Sound?"

I blinked, pausing as I rummaged around in my dresser. "Does he now...? Hm. Mighty quick, considering I told him yesterday... So what's the good news?" I fished out a long-sleeve version of my standard attire.

Throwing on my mesh, clothes, bandana, belt, packs and holsters, I froze when I heard her answer. "Since Kakashi got called on a mission, for the next week, I'll be training you in preparation for the finals."

I slowly turned, observing her expression...

She wore her too-wide, too-friendly smile; the one that forces her eyes shut. The one that invites disaster.

"...That's not going to be a problem, now, is it?"

"No, no, not at all. Perhaps you'll actually give me a workout." I busied myself, pulling on weapons and armor. Hopefully the fact that I had several sharp, pointy objects in hand would discourage her from attacking me. Did it? Nope. She glomped me instead, tackle-hugging me in a way that pushed her infamous 'assets' against my back in a rather... Arousing manner.

"Ooooh, we're going to have so much fun together!"

...I suddenly missed my perverted, lazy, cycloptic, jerkass Jounin-sensei...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Once my morning stretches were done, I started out, my new temporary-sensei following me.

...It was kinda disturbing. People avoided me, seeing Anko following me with a creepy smile. Hm.

First stop... Ichiraku's. Huh?

I stepped in front of the ramen stand, and found Ayame, head down, dozing on the counter.

...I decided against waking her up.

I turned back to the path, starting back towards the Tower.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...Another ten minutes' walk...

And in the Tower we were. I knocked on the Hokage's door, entering a moment later.

Inside...

...I found the old man, head down, snoring. He was drooling a bit on one of the papers he had in front of him...

I blinked, as Anko started snickering behind me. I wondered if I was stealthy enough to jiggly-puff him without waking him...

...Nah.

I cleared my throat.

"Ah-hem."

...Nothing.

"Ah-heh-hem!"

...Not even a twitch.

"Murhahehem!"

...

"Oy! Wake up!"

"Hum wha, wan, wuh!" He gave a start, shooting straight up, snapping into wise-old-man mode.

"Ah, you're here." He reached for his pipe, rifling through his desk for a match.

"It's too late for you to act like you weren't asleep."

"What? Oh, no, I was just resting my eyes..."

"...You were drooling. And snoring. So what'd you want me for?"

He lit up, wiping off a smidgen of saliva from his chin in the same motion. "It's about what you told me yesterday..."

I raised an eyebrow. "Lemme guess... You couldn't pull the same information from Kin to cooberate my story?"

"Exactly."

I noted Anko was still behind me. "And she's still here since...?"

"Since she was the one to question miss Tsuchi." Aha.

I tossed a glance over my shoulder. "Hope you didn't damage her too badly."

She grinned wickedly. "Oh... I didn't hurt anything important. She's functional."

Lovely. Juuust lovely.

"Riiight..." I turned back to the Hokage, just as he took a hit of his 'baccy. "So. What is it you want to know?"

"How _exactly_ you came upon your information?"

"Ah, but that would be telling..."

His features hardened. "And telling is what you'll be doing."

"...Er, right. Hm. How can I say this... I can't. If I told you exactly how I came upon such knowledge, you'll either call me insane, or attempt to kill me on the spot. Much as I'd like to delude myself into thinking I would win that fight, I can barely match Kakashi, and I'd rather not die today." I kept my tone light, jovial; my standard happy-go-lucky Naruto-face.

"I will decide for myself whether or not your mental health and loyalty are in question; you've not acted against the village, but have withheld information. Suspicious, but not criminal. And... Match Kakashi? One of the strongest Jounin in the village?"

I smiled... Not a pleasant smile, or even a nice one. It was... Cruel. Malicious. At first glance, it wasn't suspect... But the longer you watched... The more I looked like I was about to start murdering someone.

"I am not weak." When the old man raised an eyebrow, I spiked my chakra to its full extent. Now... After a couple of months of constantly cycling my chakra manually, my control and chakra levels were far above average. My reserves were slightly above Kakashi's, though that isn't saying much. My strength and speed were roughly equal to his, probably a bit lower, though he can maintain his physical abilities; I cannot keep it up for more than a couple of hours.

Not to mention... I can't use chakra-intensive abilities with it. I can focus a lot of my chakra into constant use, and jutsu are drained from that... Offering a weakness, a lax in my reflexes. The chidori drains roughly half of what's flowing at maximum, and it takes about three and a half seconds to force the chakra flow back to full. Problem is... Doing that while using the chidori is... Difficult, and my control isn't quite good enough to maintain full control.

So... I half-shanked it. I force my chakra to flow, but since it's not perfect, it bleeds off. Rather quickly. Which is why I conked out after fighting Orochimaru... Chakra exhaustion. I'll still say this; the physical benefits are worth the risks. Even without using jutsu, I become far more dangerous than most Chuunin, even some of the Tokubetsu Jounin.

Sarutobi's eyes widened just a bit. I suppose he was rather surprised, considering. "I suppose your sensei doesn't pay as much attention to your growth as he should."

I shrugged. "He knows I'm stronger than I let on. Anko, you can relax, now." She'd stiffened when my chakra surged, hand snaking closer to her kunai...

...And I tried to use the phrase 'snaking' unironically, but hey. I tried.

"It's alright, Anko. If he'd had illintentions, he would have bolted by now."

"True enough," I chimed in.

"...But you did not answer my question."

"Damn. And here I was hoping you wouldn't notice that... Ah, what to do, what to do..." I thought for a moment, gathering my thoughts... I'd hoped I wouldn't be confronted so soon.(THANK YOU, Wrathkal... So much for my great, big dramatic reveal. Now you'll have to settle for this half-assed piece'a crap)

"...Very well. I am Sasuke Uchiha; but not the one you know."

"...And just what the hell does that mean?" Anko blurted out, sounded fairly annoyed.

"It means shut the fuck up until I'm finished." Now, see, right here, a quick bit of melodramatic change in tone, a surge in chakra, activating my dojutsu, and giving a dramatic over-the-shoulder glare got exactly what I wanted.

Her eyes widened and she took a step back, just as I let my anger loose.

Now... This is closer to Killing Intent than anything else, but it's effectively just concentrating chakra into your eyes and glaring someone into submission. It's very effective when you pull a bi-polar mood switch.

"As I was saying... I am Sasuke, but not the one you two are acquainted with. I suppose you could say I'm from the future... A different future altogether. In my time, I was never aware of the truth behind the Uchiha Massacre, not until I killed Itachi. Before that, I left the village and joined Orochimaru, after he had placed a Curse Seal on me during the Chuunin Exams. Now, before I get too far ahead of myself, I died already. Then I woke up here, in my own body, several years beforehand. Except my memories were intact."

"...So you're... From the future?"

"...Not quite. There are minor differences in this world from mine. In my time, Neji was a perverted whoreson and a worthless fighter. Here, he is a genius who looks like he doesn't know what a woman is. Most of the others are exactly the same... With some exceptions. Tenten was clumsy and ill-tempered, Guy wore black and acted cool, Tsunade was flat-chested, Sakura wasn't a bitch, Ino was shy, Choji was fit, Orochimaru prefered little girls over boys, Shikamaru loved comedies, Kiba hated dogs, and Anko... Ahem. No comment."

"...Go on. What were you going to say about me...?" Oh-ho-ho. She had her too-sweet voice again...

"...You were a hardcore lesbian. Biggest difference in my time was that you ditched the coat, and couldn't handle a drop of liquor, otherwise you'd fuck every woman within sight. No matter who they were, where you were, or who was watching. The only problem was... You were horrible at it. Your record for turning gay women straight was 64. In one month. ...Oddly enough, you stayed the hell away from Kurenai after the first time you managed to get into her pants. You never did say why."

Her jaw was on the fucking floor. Ha ha ha, her expression was priceless!

I turned back to Hiruzen, who was chuckling to himself. "So just how did you get here, then?"

I shrugged. "Hell if I know. I died. Tortched. Killed. Hung. Impaled with extreme prejudice. Last thing I saw before waking up here was Naruto... Fucking Hinata. Some kinda final act of defiance, I think. Eh, the executioner was too busy whacking off to notice someone sneaking up behind him. Bastard was too late to save my sorry ass, though."

"...you were executed? By whom?"

"...That's a loooong story. Short version; Akatsuki. Look, best thing I can tell you is that I fucked up and died. I wake up here, and figured I would start again. From the beginning. Hopefully this time without dying with my friends fucking over my corpse. ...Horny buggers."

He ignored my course language. "So... You expect me to believe that you are from a different future, or alternate reality?"

"Umm... You can just say that I'm insane but no threat to public safety if you'd prefer?" I grinned.

...He simply stared with a sardonic expression. "Your entire story is utter bullshit."

I shrugged. "It's my truth. I don't know any other, but the best I can tell you is that I intend to protect this village and everyone in it. I've told you enough to keep the village safe, and hopefully make victory entirely assured. I've no reason to lie. I know it's far-fetched and got more holes than a Kiri hooker, but it's all I've got. Take it or leave it."

He stared at me for a long, long time...

"...Is that all you have to offer?"

"It is. I've no reason to give you a bullshit story that can be disproven when I've nothing to hide. If I intended harm against you or this village, why would I give you information which can be used to bolster defenses? ...By the way, I'll have Jiraiya stay here in the village for the finals. Having him around would greatly benefits defenses and morale."

The Hokage blinked. "Jiraiya is in the village? And how would you know?"

I grinned. "From the future, remember? He's peeping on one of the women's hot springs. Or at least will be, within the week. Since Kakashi intended to cart me off for one-on-one training, he's going to have Ebisu train Naruto... And they'll go to the hot springs to work on water walking. Ebisu finds Jiraiya spying, goes to interrupt... And gets sent flying. Cue Naruto's outburst and demanding the old pervert to train him, and the rest is history."

Sarutobi blinked. "That's... Remarkably well-detailed."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah... Naruto wouldn't shut up about tricking one of the Sannin into training him. For two whole weeks. Punk. Anyway... I've told you everything I can without compromising what I know of the future; Or, at least, don't spread around what I've told you. Telling people what is going to happen reeeaaallly fucks with the future. Like, badly. That goes doubly for you, Anko."

...I could feel her rolling her eyes.

"...Very well. Have Jiraiya here within the week and I'll believe you. If not... Then I suppose Inoichi can always find the truth of the matter."

I shrugged. "Doesn't matter to me. Just tell the guy NOT to go into the memory marked for Naruto's bachelor party."

He blinked. "...Though I'm going to regret asking, why is that?"

"Because I found out the hard way that his daughter is _very_ flexible. And that she can suppress her gag reflex... And takes it up the ass. I was really drunk that night, and.. Well, one thing lead to another, and... Alright, alright. I lost a bet to Naruto and had to dye my hair and style it like his. Ino got drunk, thought I was him, and... Well. I woke up with a sore wang, and she couldn't walk for two days."

"...That was more than I needed to know." I shrugged.

"You asked. Erm, can I go now? I'd kinda like to get on with the torture Anko-neechan is going to inflict upon me today."

"Go. Before you make my headache even worse."

So I turned, skipped, and dashed out the door.

And Anko was right on my heels.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Outside, she immediately accosted me. "I WAS A LESBIAN?!"

"..Yeesh, announce it to the whole village whydon'tcha..."

...She glared so hard, I thought my shirt would catch fire.

"Yes, yes, you were. But since this is a different reality, you still love the dick. Don't worry, you won't suddenly turn into a raging carpet-muncher. Unless you sleep with Hinata... She could turn anyone into a teat-suckling fool."

She gave me a sardonic glare. "Not. Funny."

"Really? I thought it was. Y'see, that's funny because Naruto got a threesome on his wedding night and the girl became a lesbian after that. ...Not sure if that means she was that good, or Naruto was that bad. Eh, considering Hinata always came around with that dreamy grin on her face and walking bow-legged..."

"Not. Helping."

"...Sorry?"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

And so, with much grumbling, Anko got over her possible-lesbian issues. Really, it's not like my telling of a different future means that she's suddenly going to like girls...

"So, what'd you have in mind?"

"Huh? Uhh, I was hoping you had something you wanted to learn."

"...So you didn't plan at all for this? Lovely. ...Say, you got the Snake summoning scroll?"

She quirked an eyebrow. "..Yeah, I do. You want to learn summoning?"

I shrugged. "Could come in handy."

"Huh... Alright. I'll go and get it." She turned and started off.

"Meet me at the hot springs, ya?" I called, and she waved over her shoulder.

I was already forming a plan...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I got to the onsen shortly before Anko. There, I found...

Naruto. Standing there yelling at a big man with a long, white, unkempt mane of hair.

And he was wearing a red haori. Yep, the Toad Sane.

"Oy, Naruto!"

Naruto stopped, mid-tirade and turned, seeing me.

"Sasuke! What're you doing here?" He waved, as is usual, but looked puzzled.

"Oh, I dropped by to talk with Jiraiya the Sannin."

Naruto blinked. "Sannin...? One of the three legendary ninjas?"

I nodded, smiling. "Yep. And that pervert there is one of 'em. Oy, Jiraiya!"

The big man turned, scowling. "Shh! What? Can't you see I'm trying to conduct research here?"

I scowled right back. "Yeah, and I can also see that you're ignoring your godson. Again."

He blinked. "Wait, what? My godson? The hell are you talking about?"

Naruto looked at me, looking... Well, confused, as usual.

I got closer, throwing an arm around the blonde jinchuuriki. "This, is Naruto. Your student's son. You know, the one who died? Who asked you to take care of him as his godfather? Kushina's husband? The fourth motherfucking Hokage? Any of this ringing a bell?"

Jiraiya openly gawked at me. "Who the hell are you, and how do you know that?"

My scowl turned into an outright glare. "So you admit it. Well, ya lazy bum, time to make up for lost time. Since you so lovingly abandoned poor Naruto here to be abused by the entire village, the least you can do is help train him, since you ALSO knocked out his substitute sensei."

Now, here, Naruto picked up on what I was doing. He also knew well enough to keep his mouth shut. Hell, he even threw in a lip-pout-quiver for good measure.

...That old perv didn't know what hit 'im. "Now what the hell? No, what the fuck? Who ARE you?!"

"Sasuke Uchiha. Friend and teammate of Naruto, your godson. The one you've pretty much screwed over by being lazy."

He finally got ahold of himself and glared right back at me. "Drop the guilt trip. How did you learn any of that?"

I rolled my eyes. "My father was chief of Konoha military police. When he died, I gained access to his files. Believe it or not, he's got a hell of a lot filed away amongst all the tax forms. Including several of your raunchy books."

Naruto spoke up. "Wait. So you're my godfather?"

I brightly answered. "Yep. He's the one who is supposed to take care of you if anything happens to your parents."

...Immediately, Naruto pulled out from under my arm, stalking towards Jiraiya with a growl. Oooh, he was positively frightening!

"YOU were supposed to looka after me when my parents died? YOU were supposed to keep people from hurting me? YOU were the one who left me here alone?!"

Hahaha! Oh, damn, he had that old pervert backpedaling something fast!

"...Hey, what's..up... Uh... Why is Naruto trying to strangle one of the Sannin?" Anko strolled up behind me, carrying a large stroll on her back.(It was on a thick string, so she had it slung over one shoulder)

"Oh, that's Jiraiya. He's Naruto's godfather. And guess who just found out he didn't bother looking after the poor kid?"

"...For some reason, I felt like I should've gone over and stopped him... But now, I suddenly want to help him. Think I can hit him from here?"

I shrugged. "Wanna find out?"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

*Thwack!*

"Ow! Son of a bitch! What the hell?!"

"Two points! And the crowd goes wild!" I cheered, between fits of laughter.

"Heh, told you I could hit him." Anko chuckled, both of us moving closer to where Jiraiya was holding Naruto up by one of his ankles.

"Why did you-?! ...Anko? Anko Mitarashi?" Jiraiya pulled up short mid-rant, looking puzzled instead of indignant.

Anko gave her trademark too-sweet, too-nice smile. "It's been a long time, Jiraiya-sama. Tell me, is it true that you're Naruto's godfather?"

"Uhh.. Well, y'see..." Once more, he was at full retreat, even as Naruto started scrambling to get out of the line of fire.

"Oh? So you are! Tell me, why didn't you look after him...? Or at least send money for him to live on...? I know you're very wealthy, mister author... And just what were you doing here, anyway? This is a women's onsen... Don't tell me you were peeping...?"

...Oh, man. What she did next...

...Is too graphic for me to describe in words. Please excuse me while I go and puke up last night's dinner.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Hokay, I'm back. And so is Jiraiya, for that matter. We'd all managed to sit down on some of the benches by the hot springs to talk about our feelings...

Naruto. Was. Pissed.

I don't blame him one damn bit. Anko? Well... She was definately not forgiving the old perv anytime soon. Me?

Oh, I was ready to tear his wrinkled old balls off and shove 'em down his throat. But I refrained, as I needed something from him.

"Feeling better, Jirayia?"

*Grumble grumble* "Yeah, now that you've given my arm back... Kinda need that..."

"What for? Lazy, worthless, abandoning prick, motherfugger raggle fraggle murgle furgle..." Naruto was still grumbling, more angry that he couldn't beat up Jiraiya any more. Eh.

"Ahem. Before this turns into another beat down... Jiraiya. I was serious earlier."

He looked offended. "What, me? Train him?"

My glare returned at full force. "You OWE him that much. And more. Have you seen what the villagers did to him? Do you have any idea of the hell they put him through? If you'd been here like you SHOULD have, he wouldn't have been beaten, mugged, robbed, and tortured the way he had. You made a promise to Minato, damnit!"

"How would you know? Only myself and the Hokage know about his parentage." He stared right back at me.

"I know everything. Like how you made some excuse about hunting down Orochimaru and Akatsuki instead of taking care of your godson. And what has that gotten you? I'll bet I know more about 'em than you." His glare turned smug.

"Yeah, right, kid." My scowl morphed into a wicked grin.

"Watch me." All three other people present blinked.

I then slowly, ever so slowly, reached into my pack and drew out a scroll I'd written for this day...

As I handed it to him, I held onto it just as he grasped it. "Swear. Swear that from now on you will look after and protect Naruto. I risked my life getting this info, and I damn well better get a life in exchange." Again, he blinked.

"...Depends on what's in it." I let go, and he flicked it open, browsing its contents...

...

...

Before he rolled it right back up, stuck it in his coat, turned and stared at me.

"Who. The hell. Are you?"

I simply smiled. "Sasuke Uchiha... Bitch."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"...You are going to tell me how you learned all of this."

I simply smiled. "Later. Now, you have your godson to help. And I have training myself, so you'll have to wait. Just like you kept Naruto waiting... For thirteen years."

"Uhh, can you two stop having a conversation that neither of us can follow?" Naruto asked.

Jiraiya turned to him. "Yeah, sure, sure, kid. Well, it looks like it's your lucky day! For the next month, you'll be under the tutelage of the great Toad Sage Jiraiya!" He even stood up and struck a pose, which instantly made Anko bust out laughing.

"You're such a ham! How do you ever get laid?!"

I piped in with, "Very carefully, and very quietly. He just hopes they don't wake up!"

...Que laughing from all three of us, and grumbling from Jiraiya.

Heheh.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well... Those two went off to work on water walking. Once they were out of sight...

"Sasuke..."

"Yeah, Anko?"

She turned and looked at me. "You knew about that because of where you're from, don't you?"

"Uh-huh. That old prick deserves a kick in the pants for leaving an infant Naruto in the lurch. Hopefully he'll do what he should've done all those years ago... If not, I'm going to either castrate him, or sic Tsunade on him."

"Lemme know if you need a hand."

I smiled. "Thanks. So, you got the scroll?"

She pulled it from her shoulder, grinning. "Of course."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

She'd suggested we go someplace less... Conspicuous. Personally, I think she was just fretting that she might be tempted to go into the women's bath. Heheh.

Anyway, she dragged me off to a secluded training ground and set the scroll down. As she opened it, Anko said, "Slice your thumb, and sign your name in blood. Right here, in the first empty spot. Then cover each finger with blood, and leave your fingerprints at the bottom."

I noted the three most recent signatures... Oddly enough, I had no trouble reading kanji. Huh. Must be because Sasuke knew how to read it...

Wait. Shit.

I wrote that letter to Jiraiya in english with a pencil... But he'd read it without issue.

Wierd... Anyway.

Kabuto Yakushi, Anko Mitarashi, and before her, Orochimaru.

Producing a kunai from my side, I flicked the edge across my thumb, the burning sensation flowering outward.

I placed said bloody thumb on the paper, and allowed muscle memory to do the rest.

Soon enough, my.. Erm, Sasuke's, name was etched with a flourish, before I pressed each finger against my thumb, and held them against the paper, below my signature.

"Alright! Welcome to the snake club." I gave my bleeding thumb a lick.

...Then gave her a dry look. "Uh-huh... So what're the handseals?"

"Boar, Dog, Bird, Monkey, Ram. Now, the more chakra you use, the more powerful being you'll summon. Focus chakra into your hands, and press your palm to the ground to complete the summoning."

I nodded. "Alright, how much chakra should I use?"

Anko grinned wickedly. "Impress me."

Ohhh, she was going to regret those words.

I flicked through those five seals, focing as much chakra as my body could bear into them.

Slapping my palm to the ground, I felt my entire body drained of energy... As though I'd used three chidoris consecutively, not giving myself(Or the enemy) a chance to rest. But I was also...

Rising. Higher, higher, I found myself.

Up, up...

And on the head of a giant snake. But which one?

"WHO DARESSSSS TO SSSSSUMMON THE GREAT MANDA?!"

**Oh, shit.**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Ho-ly shitmabobs! Okay, right here and now, I want to thank each and every one of you who has taken the time to read my crappy stories. Especially with all the insane shit I write while **__**sex-starved**__** half-starved and sleepdeprived.**_

_**Also; Asshold? **__**whoops**__** Err, I meant to do that!**_

_**...I'll go back and redo that. It does no good to screw up trying to cuss someone out. **_

_**Also, to explain why people ignored Sasuke's knowledge; people have a built-in wierdness filter. They see wierd shit, they tune it out. Go running out down the street butt-naked with a tinfoil hat on your head, shouting, "THEY'RE COMING FOR MY TESTICLES! I MUST PROTECT MY NARDS FROM THE BALLCHINNIANS!" And I garuntee, almost no one will follow you or ask questions.**_

_**They will simply go about their business, thinking, 'Wow, my brain hurts. Something wierd is going on.' So that's why no one's said anything until now. Also, I had a great big reveal planned, but that is no longer an option. *Cough, Wrathkal, cough* **_

_**So instead, you got this piece'a crap. Hope you're happy. And yes, it will get better. I promise...**_

_**...**_

_**...**_

_**...**_

_**NOT!**_


	20. Chapter 20 Training! Part 3

**Naruto; What If**

**Third Arc; Chuunin Exams**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 20 - Training! Part 3

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"OH, SHIT!" I heard Anko shout, and I thought,

_'Just how many time do I have to fuck myself up the ass with a rusty kunai before I learn not to do stupid shit just to impress a girl?'_

"ANKO! WHY HAVE YOU SSSSSUMMONED ME?!"

I shouted for her. "She didn't summon you! I did!"

The great hed shifted, leaning upward. Probably trying to see who was on top of his head.

"WHO DARESSSS?!"

I grinned. "SASUKE MOTHERFUCKING UCHIHA, BITCH!"

When in doubt, take refuge in audacity.

Heheh.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

The smoke finally cleared, and I got a damn good look at how high up I was.

This snake, is fucking massive. Almost too big to fit inside the training ground...

"Sasuke! Get down and dispell him!" She shouted, eyes wide, looking more than a little afraid. I ignored her for a moment, waving off her concerns. I had... A general idea, of what I was going to do.

I think.

"Oy, Manda!"

"THAT'SSSSSS MANDA-SSSSSAMA, BRAT!" I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, yeah. You know where Orochimaru is?"

"NO. WHY WOULD I KNOW THAT, BRAT? ANKO! YOU KNOW THE COST FOR SUMMONING ME!" He sounded more annoyed than anything.

"Ah, please forgive him Manda-sama! This is his first time summoning!" She pleaded, backaling something fast.

"...FIRST SSSSSSUMMONS? DO YOU TAKE ME FOR A FOOL, HUMAN?!"

"OY! If you're such an all-powerful serpent, can't you figure out who summoned you?"

Manda's eyes narrowed. "ANKO... WHO ISSSSS THISSSS CHILD?"

She swallowed. "He is the last Uchiha. A Genin of the Leaf village."

"...I HAVE NOT BEEN SSSSSUMMONED BY A CHILD SSSSSINCE OROCHIMARU... VERY IMPRESSSSSIVE, FOR A BRAT. SSSSINCE IT ISSSSS YOUR FIRSSSST TIME, I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH A WARNING. IF YOU SSSSSUMMON ME, PREPARE A HUNDRED HUMAN SSSSSACRIFICES, FOR MY SSSSERVICES. FAREWELL, BRAT!"

...And that piece'a shit snake dispelled himself, leaving me...

Fifty feet in the air, dropping fast. Awww shit.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...Ow.

Landed on my feet, fell forward and connected with the ground face-first. Owch.

"Sasuke! Are you alright?!"

After I pulled my face from a rather handsome-looking impression in the ground,(It was sexy... Ino would make out with it) I looked up to see...

Anko. Or, more specifically, her pan-

...

...?

Oh. No, that... that wasn't her panties.

She wasn't wearing any. And she was standing right over me, legs spread, hands on hips. Wearing that too-sweet smile.

Did I mention she wasn't wearing any panties?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"That was really stupid, gaki."

I shrugged, staying right where I was, enjoying the view. "You said 'impress me,' so I did exactly that. Didn't think I'd wind up summoning him, but hey. Now I know to use half as much chakra to summon." I activated my sharingan, eternally etching the sight before me into my mind...

Now you know why Kakashi is such a pervert. Heheheheh.

"From now on, never summon him again. Ever. You understand?"

"Yeah. Uh-huh. Of course." I was a little... Preoccupied...

"...Sasuke, are you listening to me?"

"Oh, yeah, of course." Still occupied with the sight before me.

"...Are you looking up my skirt?"

"Yeah, sure, sure."

...

Ahhhh, shit.

"Um... Can I retract my previous statement?" I angled my gaze higher, now looking at her smiling face.

"No~oooope."

...Dear Kami...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Two hours later...

"Alright, hah, huuh... Okay, I'm done. You can come out, now!" Anko shouted, breathing hard, looking around.

"That's what you said last time! And then you tried to kill me again!" I shouted, very wary.

"I wasn't trying to kill you! I was trying to castrate you! There's a difference! ...Alright, I'm sorry! I'm done, you're forgiven! Eesh, he's as bad as Naruto about that... I'm not THAT vindictive..."

"YEAH YOU ARE!" SEVERAL voices shouted, notably Jiraiya, myself, Kakashi, Naruto, and Iruka. From out of nowhere.

Don't ask.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, after that incident, I got down from my hiding spot, and Anko IMMEDIATELY gibsmacked me.

"OW! What was that for?! You said you were done!" I shouted, rubbing the back of my head. That really freaking hurt.

"NOW I'm done. Pervert." She huffed, folding her arms over her chest.

I rolled my eyes. "You're the one who goes around commando wearing a miniskirt... And then you blame me for seeing as much when you stood over my head."

"...Okay, I admit I overreated a little, but you shouldn't have been looking."

I blinked at her. "I'm a guy. So sue me."

She rolled her eyes. "Fine, whatever."

"Now that that incident is done and over with... Is there anything else?"

"Nothing I can think of. Mastering summoning on the first try? Kami, that puts Orochimaru to shame. And such stamina... The only other kid to outrun me is Naruto."

I grinned. " 'Stamina' is my middle name. Care to find out just how far it goes?"

She smirked. "Sorry, but I'm not my sensei. I'm not into little kids."

I quirked an eyebrow. "Oh? And if I'm not a little kid?" My hands came together in a handseal, *Poof!* and I henged into Sasuke's Shippunden form.

"How about now?" My voice was deeper, rougher, and more... Chocolatey.

Anko busted out laughing. "Not bad, kid! When's the last time you got laid?" I shrugged.

" 'Bout three hours before I died. Which was... About three, four months ago."

She winced, blinking. "Oooh, yeah, I can understand that. But still."

Her hand shot out, and flicked my forehead. Ow.

*Poof!*

"...Ow. Should I take that as a no?"

"What do YOU think?" She deadpanned, staring at me.

I grinned again. "That you're already dripping and I should go grab some condoms?"

*Flick!*

"Ow! Look! There's a wet spot between your feet!"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Welp, that was done and over with. After I gave Anko the slip,(Unfortunately, I didn't get to slip it in her, but hey) I was casually strolling down the street, wondering what I should do for the rest of the day...

I happened across that same old weapon shop I'd gotten my gear from. Hm.

Well, now might be a good time to stock up...

Ooh, ooh! Weights! That's what I wanted to get!

I walked inside, looking for the shopkeeper...

I stopped, blinking. "Tenten?"

She looked up from her book, noticing me. "Oh, hey, Sasuke."

"Uh, what're you doing up? Or even out of the hospital, for that matter?"

She shrugged. "My back wasn't too badly hurt, so they sent me home. Dad doesn't want me on missions until it's fully healed, so I'm watching the shop for mom."

I smiled. "Well, that's nice of you. Hope you get better soon. Say, you got any weights like Lee's?"

She blinked, tilting her head. "Training weights? Yeah, I've got some in stock. Not like anyone but Lee buys them... One sec."

She turned, walking into a backroom, and rummaging around for a few minutes...

Then she returns, carrying a cardboard box. She placed it on the counter, tearing open the flaps.

"They're self-adjusting, based on the user. Push chakra into them to make them heavier. Full set for arms and legs, eighteen thousand." I nodded, glancing into the box. Same kind Lee wore... White with several rectangular weights. Very nice.

I didn't reach for my wallet just yet. "There's something else I'm looking for. A new blade... Something a bit bigger."

She outright stared at me. "Bigger? What, that monster you're already carrying isn't enough? Are you compensating for something?"

Despite her deadpan tone, I rolled my eyes. I was severely tempted to drop my pants and shout, 'Fuck, no. Just look at this thing! I scare myself when I go to take a piss! I trip over it when I get out of bed in the morning!'

Instead, I said, "No, I need something heavier to train with. Not to mention, I prefer a weapon with a greater reach. And if you're that interested in my penis, all you need to do is ask."

She rolled her eyes. "No, thanks."

I grinned once more. "Whaaat? You brought it up, the least you can do is make it go back down."

...She gave me a sardonic stare in reply to my double entrende. "Pay for the weights and come back next month. I'll put in an order for a new sword, so piss off, you horny bastard."

...She didn't sound angry, just kinda sardonic. Eh.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Done and over with. I made my way to my home in the Uchiha compound, kicking open the door and strolling right in, whistling a cheeky tune. I made it to my bedroom, setting the box down. I pulled out the weights and removed my boots, pulling up my pants.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Five minutes later... I had the weights on, and I placed a finger upon the first weight.

I focused... Forcing chakra into the seals, making them heavier and heavier. Once they felt suitably constraining, I did the same to the other weights.

Eesh... Makes running a cast iron bitch. Hmm... I wonder...

I spiked my chakra, forcing all that I had into motion.

Hm. I was really going to have to come up with a name for this sooner or later... It can wait. Once that was done, I stood up.

Wow. These weights felt... Well, weightless like this. Wonder if they're still forcing my muscles to get stronger, though...

Hmm... Stranger and stranger...

Ah, well. I'm wasting time here... What to do.

Hmm...

Hungry.

Very, very hungry. Must be from all that chakra I used during the summoning...

And then running from Anko...

Dear Kami, I'm starving...

Then...

To Ichiraku's!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Upon my arrival, I found none other than Naruto, sitting there, slurping up noodles of the delicious brew.

"Yo, Naruto. Oy, Ayame! Gimme the usual!" I shouted that last part to the back, behind the counter, where she and Teuchi were hard at work.

"You got it, Sasuke!" She called back, just as Naruto swallowed what he had in his mouth.

"Hey, Sasuke. How was training with Anko-neechan?"

"Painful. I mastered summoning in less than an hour." I sat down, placing my elbows on the stand, interlacing my fingers. Sasuke's standard Emo-pose.

...He stared at me. "You're kidding me, right? Please tell me you're joking."

"Nope. It was pretty easy to me. Lemme guess; the old pervert started you on summoning toads? And all you could get was a tadpole?"

He gaped. "H-HOW DID YOU KNOW?!"

I chuckled. "I knew he'd try to teach you summoning, and he's the TOAD sage, remember? Anko just about pissed herself when I summoned Manda on my first try. Y'see, the trick is pushing as much chakra into the jutsu as you can. Here, lemme teach you a trick I picked up." He looked on, wondering what I had to tell him.

"Concentrate as much chakra as you can into your hands. Then, force it to move. It isn't easy, but once you do, it gets easier. Then increase how much chakra you have moving until you can't push any more out, and keep it moving through your whole body. I found out that doing this consciencely makes your chakra control better, and even increaes your overall chakra reserves."

He thought on that, and concentrated for a few moments...

In that time, my own bowl of food arrived. Sweet.

I started to chow down, absently wondering if teaching Naruto my little 'trick' is a good idea...

"Hey, I got it!" I reached over and clapped him on the back.

"Well done. Now keep it up whenever you're awake, and you just might catch up to me."

...He glared at me. "I hate it when you do that."

I grinned innocently. "Whaaat? I just taught you the one thing that gives me an edge over everyone we've ever faced. Don't spread it around, a'ight? Hinata's fine to tell, since she'll eventually be sucking your dick, but don't tell everyone. Kinda ruins the advantage, ne?"

...His face was bright red as he glared at me. Heheheh, embarassment successful!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

So, we sat there. Eating. Not really talking much. But I suddenly had an errant thought.

"Hey, Naruto."

"Yeah?" He put down his chopsticks, placing the empty bowl inside of another as he waited on his third order.

"If a couple's having sex, and the guy uses shadow clones, and the clone cums inside the girl, you think she could get pregnant?"

He opened his mouth to say something, but stopped. Then said, "You know what... I dunno. Never thought of that."

Oddly enough... As we spoke, I noticed Ayame blush bright red as she handed Naruto another bowl of ramen. "H-h-here, N-Naruto-kun."

I rasied an eyebrow, seeing a chance for mischief-making. "Oh? You alright, Ayame? You look like you're doing your best imitation of Hinata."

...Needless to say, I soon found myself covered in the food I ordered. You know, it really sucks having to clean noodles out of your hair. Still, the look on her face was worth it.

And Naruto busted out laughing right along with me, so, eh.

...She still didn't dump his food over his head... *Grumble, grumble...*

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**I admit... Some of this was inspired by the fic "That Look," by Lord of the Land of Fire. Not entirely, since this simply goes perfectly with Sasuke's new personality, being a pervert and all. But still. I give credit where credit is due, and LotLoF is a comedic genius! So there. Go read his stuff. It's great. Really. It is.**_

_**Also; ...Harem no Jutsu? Pedophile yaoi version?**_

_**...**_

_**It.. Shall be considered. If for nothing else than for laughs. And, **_

_**...**_

_**As much as Sasuke would enjoy a threesome with Hinata, devils' threesomes aren't his thing. Nor mine.(Though Tenten would be open to the idea. Heheh) And I get the feeling Hinata would be far too embarassed to go about it, and Naruto...**_

_**...Yeah, he's strictly anti-gay stuff. Plus he's a one-man gangbang. Shadow clones, remember? **_

_**...Mwahahahahahahahaaa...**_

_**Again, you can all thank Wrathkal for the half-assed confrontation in the last chapter. I WAS planning a great big reveal for later on, but that just got blown to pieces. So there ya have it. I didn't change everything entirely... But it just means a future chapter I had planned is no longer necessary. So I won't have to do a WHOLE CHAPTER revolving around a specific set of people entrapping and confronting Sasuke.**_

_**I hope it was good enough to get a laugh or two, but it's all I could pull outta my ass on short notice. Also... The above bit, where Sasuke asked Naruto about clone-impregnation...**_

_**That bit was created and reccommended by Lunar Wolf Fenrir. I thought it was a funny subject... Hint, hint. Bricks be abound.**_

_** Hope you've enjoyed this chapter. Farewell!**_


	21. Chapter 21 Training! Part 4

**Naruto; What If**

**Third Arc; Chuunin Exams**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 21 - Training! Part 4

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, that was that, for now. After getting my meal,(A second one. Free, due to said upturned bowl. Yay) I left and went home, shaking noodles from my hair the entire time.

Not pleasant. Once I'd gotten home and ditched most of my gear, I grabbed a quick shower, before turning in for the night.

I was still trying to figure out what I would do for the rest of my training period...

Hmm... There were several useful skills I wanted to learn. Two jutsu, for water and ice. Not necessary, but they would be useful against Gaara.

Second is sealing. I might chat with Tenten about that... Only having to carry a few scrolls on my person instead of a massive backpack would be useful.

Third is medical jutsu. Nothing special, but learning how to heal basic injuries would be very useful. I'll have to talk with Tsunade about that some time... And perhaps buy her a bottle of sake to 'convince' her to teach me some things later on.

Fourth? Hmm... An earth-style jutsu for what I have in mind for the finals. I've got an idea for a true curb-stomp battle that will simply humiliate Suna's strongest warrior.

Wait...

Aha. I have an idea... I'll need an eath jutsu, sealling, either water prison or vortex, and some kind of ice jutsu...

Hmm...

Heheheheheheheh. I gots a plan.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

The next day was spent training with Anko in full-force sparring. I maxed my chakra flow, and we fought using taijutsu only, to work on both our stamina, strength, speed, and reflexes.

For me? It wasn't very difficult, considering. It was the weights I had that made it a challenge. She was faster and more agile, but not as strong as I. But hot damn, she was flexible! She even smacked me with a tit a couple times. Hell, she clocked me in the face with her hip.

But of course... I got her back. I'd relieved Anko of her coat and gotten ahold of her skirt more than once. Best hit I got on her was right after yanking her skirt down around her knees, before wrapping her in a flurry of taijutsu that would make Lee jizz himself.

But at the end, both of us looked like we'd been to hell and back and gotten our asses kicked pretty hard. I had removed my armguards and pauldron, so as to make this a more fair hand-to-hand duel.

...I really shouldn't have. She took it as an insult.

Now, overall? We pulled even. No decisive victory. Now, considering I didn't use my bloodline, and she didn't use jutsu? Well, we didn't bother arguing over who would've won. We were both sweaty and sore, looking exhausted.

We were looking like a rough couple who'd just finished going at it in the woods; the only difference is that we weren't sleepy and satisfied. ...And our groins weren't the central sore spots.

But still. When two people walk out of the forest bowlegged, leaves in their hair, clothes in disarray, bodies battered and bruised, the first thought that pops into othes' heads is, 'Hup, they just finished fucking. Outside, in public! Horny bastards'

Now, this is a ninja village. That kind of behavior isn't a surprise; people who kill for a living have strange coping mechanisms. Kinky sex is one of them. Anko is just the most open about it.

Anyway... Us walking out looking like that, we heard many smartass comments.

"Guess she's just like HIM after all..."

"Hah! Better get tested, kid!"

"Well, wouldja lookit that!"

"Free show!"

"She's made you a man, now!"

"Hey, Anko! You robbing cradles now?"

"Look, the Uchiha's reviving his clan already!"

"Oh, Lord, we're gonna have little purple-haired Uchihas runnin' around in no time!"

"Who raped who?"

"Hah hah hah! Look who's playing hide-the-kunai now!"

Me...? I could care less. But Anko was blushing fiercely, looking more than a little homicidal.

I smiled at her and said, "Fuck 'em. Wanna make a scandal of it?"

She blinked. "A scandal? Don't tell me you're-"

"I'll take that as a yes!" I seized her around the waist, lifting her up in a bridal carry.

Kinda difficult, since she overbalanced me, but I spiked my chakra and delt with it.

Everyone within the vicinity openly stared at the spectacle; a Genin carrying Anko Mitarashi like a blushing bride, both looking decidedly rough.

...The looks on everyone's faces were totally worth the pain when she slapped me. I simply smiled.

Heheh. Worth it!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Welp, I walked home, intent on making something to eat that wasn't ramen. Hmm... What've I got to make, anyway...

_"_You have five seconds to put me down before I tear off your arms." Anko growled, teeth bared.

I'd carted her heavy ass the whole way, head in the clouds. Oops. At least her ass felt nice on my hand.

I smiled brightly. "Oh? You sure? You look rather comfortable like that."

"_One._"

I chuckled, and said, "Are you absolutely sure?"

"_Two._"

I dropped her, right on my front step.

*Fwump!*

"...I am going to kill you."

I chuckled some more. "You never said to put you down gently."

I carefully hopped over her and unlocked the door, stepping inside as she shot to her feet, marching towards me.

I carefully made sure to keep my distance from her. At least until my plan was put into action.

I ducked into the kitchen before she could get inside, summoning a shadow clone to move in a different direction.

Once I was sure she was hunting the clone, I started on making dinner...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...Fifteen minutes later...

The food was done, and I was just setting the table as Anko stormed into the room, still looking fairly angry.

A tranquil smile graced my features, and she simply glared at me.

"Supper's ready. Care to join me?"

"You think a meal is enough to buy me over?" The woman sneered, teeth bared.

I raised an eyebrow. "Oh, it should be. But if you'd prefer, I could just throw out all this dango..." As I spoke, I pulled a cover off of one of the plates, revealing a serving plate stacked high with freshly-glazed, steaming hot, sweet dumplings.

"...Consider yourself forgiven." Instand heel-face-turn back to happy-Anko.

"Thought so."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Of course, she hogged all the dumplings. Something about her blood sugar being low.

Eh. I got to chow down on homemade stir fry and rice, with a pot I made for myself; tomato sauce with chicken, cheese, dumplings, garlic, and bread to dip in the brew.

...It was actually pretty good.

"...Why'd you do that?" Anko broke the silence, startling me from my reverie.

"Hm? Do what?" I still had a mouthful of rice, so I translated this into english for you.

"Publicly associate with me like that. You know what people think of me, so why? And don't give me that crap of doing it on principle. I know you don't do anything without a reason."

"Hmm... You're more observant than I gave you credit for. If I had to give a reason... Because it's been a long time since I got to do something stupid and fun in public just for shits and giggles. You know those times when you just say; 'Fuck it, I do what I want.' And just did whatever it was you wanted without giving a damn what anyone thought? 'Cuz every now and again, I like to get rid of that mental filter everything goes through, to just stop giving a fuck." She nodded, understanding the need to cut loose. I mean, this was Anko motherfucking Mitarashi I was talking to, the queen of cutting loose, and going wild!

"Yeah... I get that. But you didn't give me a reason."

My smile turned sardonic. "Eesh, you're as bad as the old man. Nothing gets past you, yah? Well... 'Cuz I just stopped caring right then and there. They were going to be judgemental peons, so I wanted to give 'em a reason to say stupid shit. One of my best friends once told me; People collectively give too much of a fuck, and when a truly important issue comes up, they don't have enough of a fuck left to actually give a fuck about it."

"...You're still avoiding my question." Damn.

I sighed. Couldn't help it. "Because I... Enjoy your company, and it annoyed me to see the way they looked at you. Now they'll say shit about me instead of you. Or they'll realise it would be a mistake to publicly slander an associate of the Uchiha. One way or another."

She was quiet for a moment...

"I don't know if that's more sweet or stupid... But thanks." She offered a kind smile, which morphed her already-beautiful features into one of the cutest, most irresistable girls I've yet to see...

I think the only girl cuter would be Hinata... What with her shy disposition, massive mammaries, innocent eyes and pure personality... Hm.

I grinned right back. "Depends. Which one's more likely to get me laid?"

She sighed. "And just like that, the moment is gone... You're thirteen. Just because they're saying it, doesn't mean I'm going to do it. I'd really rather not go to jail."

"Hey, it's not rape if they're willing. ...Wait. There IS NO female-on-male rape. Bloody double standards. And... Doesn't the village recognise all ninjas as adults, anyway? So does statuatory even count? Hell, I can go out and buy weapons, alchohol, even lottery tickets on my own. Is there even a law against underage sex?"

She stopped. And looked puzzled.

..Then she took on this expression of concentration... Like she was thinking real hard...

"...I honestly don't know. There are laws against rape and child rape, but... Fuck if I know. Once an academy student is promoted to Genin, they are considered adults, but... I don't know." She shook her head in consternation, flabberghasted by one of the most obvious discrepancies in law.

Hmm... I wonder if I can turn this to my advantage...

Anko idly glanced at her watch, before her eyes bugged out.

"OH, SHIT!" She jumped to her feet, knocking her chair back.

"What? What is it?"

She dashed for the door, calling back, "Shit, shit, shit! I completely forgot... Sorry, Sasuke! I've gotta cut this short!"

...Well, fuck me sideways...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...Or not, in this case.

DAMNIT.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Alright, the one part above about double-standards was written because, in many countries, there is no such thing as female-on-male rape. No penis, no rape. Using a dildo/foreign object is sexual abuse/sodomy/abusive penetration, but not rape.**_

_**Now, here's this tidbit; three Zimbabwe women raped 17 men, and collected 31 filled condoms, for use in some form of ritual. The guys were held a knife/gun/snake-point.(Yes, one was threatened by a woman holding a snake) **_

_**They were hitch hikers, and got picked up by the three women. Then they were drugged, fucked by all three women, multiple times, and then dumped butt-naked in nearby bushes.**_

_**But they were not charged with rape, since their laws only recognise male-on-female rape. Forceful penetration.**_

_**Now, me personally? I wouldn't much care. I'd've fucked all three of them into next month.(..I garuntee they wouldn't try raping some hitch hiker again... Or they would, if only to get off that good again) But then again, it's a traumatizing experience. To be violated in such a manner... Left completely helpless, betrayed by your own body... **_

_**Eugh...**_

_**Now, it isn't the rape itself that angers me. If you say no, you mean NO.(My Jiraiya fic uses it for laughs, sorry) But the double standard on the outdated laws pisses me off. Hell, in the UK, if you don't have a penis, you cannot rape anyone. The USA is gradually changing its ways to accomodate for this, but still.**_

_**Equality, should be equal. As is, there are almost no forms of aid for male rape victims. No counseling, no therapy, and the laws aren't helping one damn bit. If we could change the laws to allow women/minorities freedom of rights, can't we change the laws to protect men from female rapists?**_

_**Now, when I say female rapists, I don't mean Debra Lafave or Mary Kay**_ _**Letourneau. Those were statuatory; which means it was not a problem of consent, but an issue of age difference. In both cases, it was not the victim that had a problem with the relation; it was outside interference.**_

_**To me, if you are old enough to understand the concept of sex, the ramifications, and the consequences, you are old enough to decide for yourself.(Typically 14 or over, but 13 is fine if you KNOW what it is, and what can happen) **_

_**Now, here's the kicker; HOW does a girl rape a guy? Easily. If you rub a man's woody for a few moments, it's gonna get hard. Kneejerk reaction. (Hell, he doesn't even have to get hard for the girl to put it in. And after they finegle it in, it WILL get hard.)**_

_**You can drug a guy make him compliant. Get him drunk off his ass. Or just force him down and tie him up.(A fantasy for some) Then there's threatening, blackmailing, coercing, or just plain riding him while he's asleep.(A great way to wake up, admittedly)**_

_**The issue of rape isn't how it's done, why, when, where or by whom. It's consent. If one party says no, it becomes rape. Unfortunately, most laws do not recognise this.**_

_**Now, I'm not one of those type who believes if someone after the fact says it was rape automatically believes it. **_

_**For it you be rape, you MUST alert the other individual(s) involved that you do not want it. You HAVE TO say NO, loud and fucking clear. From there? Yep, you're good. If they don't know, they won't care. People are selfish. They assume YOU want what THEY want. That is the basis of our society. Politicians assume the people want what they want.**_

_**I don't agree with the maximum resistance clause, simply because that increases the likelihood of injury. But there must be some resistance. Say no, push them away, knee 'em in the crotch,(That works on men AND women, so you know) do something. Shout FIRE, not rape. People avoid rape scenes if possible. But boy, they'll come runinng for a fire.('Cuz something of theirs might get damaged, too)**_

_**Now, rant over with, thank you for your time. And boys, don't accept car rides from strange women. They just might suck your balls dry.**_

_**Have a good one, mates. Cheers.**_


	22. Chapter 22 Training! Part 5

**Naruto; What If**

**Third Arc; Chuunin Exams**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 22 - Training! Part 5

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, that was wierd. Wonder what she was running off for...

Isn't like she has a date or anything.

...Right?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

It took some doing, but I shelved my worries and put away the leftovers; wasn't much, but still. I'd have them for breakfast tomorrow.

Right. Shower, light workout, bed.

Wonder what tomorrow may bring...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I was... Dreaming... But...

Something wasn't right... But what...

...

I awoke with a start, my instincts _**screaming **_at me.

**WAKE THE FUCK UP!**

**(Cue music; Lights Out, by Breaking Benjamin)**

I was up. I didn't think. I didn't plan. I fucking MOVED.

Up, roll, tuck, dodge, stand. Assess the situation.

I was alive, unharmed, and ready for the fight.

My headboard was smashed, and my ears stung. Beyond that, I was all systems copacetic.

My bloodline flared to life, taking in the DEAD MAN who made such a fatal mistake...

Short... Stocky... Bulky... Spiky mane of hair... Bandaged face... Gauntlet on right arm...

Oto hitai-ate.

Dosu. Sound ninja.

...

Fucking _**dead man.**_

"Oh... So you dodged it. Seems you're more skilled than I gave you credit for..." ...Not quite. My ears were ringing like I had a brass orchestra in 'em.

"Dosu... Hmph. You made a grave error, coming here..."

I reached behind me, to my right, grasping the hilt of Headchopper; Zabuza's zanbato. I kept it here, propped against the wall, as both a trophy of my accomplishment, and for when he came back for it.

"...You failed to kill me on your first try. _You won't get a second chance._" He came after me... Guess he considered me more of a threat than Gaara. Smart.

...Or not, since he was going to die.

"Such threats... You think you've a chance against me?... You'll suffer for your arrogance." The punk growled, readying his melody gauntlet.

"Coming from a dead man... Wait. You know what?... You aren't worth a witty punch line." I surged my chakra, shunshining right behind him, simultaneously summoning three shadow clones.

All three of them converged on him, just as I swung the Seversword...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I swung low, lopping off his legs below the knee, ducking as I did so...

First clone collided, impaling him through his left arm and flank.(They were armed with my regular two-handed sword, not the zanbato)

Second clone struck, impaling his right arm and flank.

Third clone connected, striking his front, impaling him through the gut.

"GUAH!" Dosu coughed up blood, turning his bandages dark red...

As one, the clones twisted their blades, turned themselves around and took a knee, with the hilts of their swords resting on their shoulders. Then...

They launched him into the air, sending blood and gore flying, just as I jumped...

_**"Heaven and Earth; Starfall!"**_

I spun, using my body weight and centrifugal force to swing the massive iron blade overhead, bringing it down, down, down...

...Chopping Dosu in half.(Thirds, really; since his lower legs were shaved off)

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

*Spla-Thwum-Klunk!*

...And I landed in a crouch, being careful not to damage anything with the zanbato as Dosu-

...Well, what was _left _of him fell to the floor, covering my beautiful hardwood bedroom floor with gore.

I sighed, observing the scene.

"Well, that's just fucking great... It's gonna take forever to clean all this

up..."

"You won't have to worry about it." A new voice answered, a few feet behind me.

I spun, dropping into a crouch, hands already flying together...

I stopped dead when I saw just who was standing there, and recognised the voice.

"...Kakashi?"

He did his eye-smile, leaning against my doorframe, looking casual as you'd like.

...It was him, or so my dojutsu told me. Same chakra, no odd fluxuations, different chakra in his left eye... Yep, it was my perverted sensei.

"The one and only. Seems you're mighty popular, these days..." He observed, eyeing the corpse desecrating my clean bedroom floor.

I shrugged, handing off Kubikiribōchō to one of my shadow clones, who placed it back in its corner.

"Not by choice, I'm afraid. Apparently, spike here got his feathers in a ruffle and came to shorten up the roster for the finals. Guess he thought he actually stood a chance... Stupid git. Say, mighty timely arrival. Don't suppose you could've knocked his ass out before he had to go and fuck up my clean bedroom floor?"

My clones were already working on that, sweeping his cadaver over to the door, scrubbing and mopping up the blood and guts.

"Oh, I just got here.. I felt your chakra spike and I came by to make sure you were alright."

I deadpanned. "Yeah, right. If you felt my chakra in the middle of night, you came by to see if I had some girl underneath me. Pervert."

...I swear, I saw him sweatdrop. Really, he did.

'_I'm really losing a lot face here..._' The Jounin through, rubbing the back of his head.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

So, after I got dressed, I found that Kakashi had sealed up Dosu into a scroll, and was waiting for me in the...

...Kitchen. Motherfuck.

I called, "If I find my fridge empty, I'll skin you!"

...Quite suddenly, I heard several jars, cans, and packages being shuffled about.

Thaaat's right, punk. Heheh.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Cleaning done, I wondered what I would do about that headboard...

Fuck it. I'll deal with that tomorrow.

I walked outside, finding Kakashi casually reading his porn.

"You just get back?" He nodded, putting away his little book.

"Yup. Finished up early, since I couldn't leave you to Anko for too long..."

...We both shivered, me from the pain I remembered, him from...

...From remembering the last time he slept with her. Knowing Anko, she probably sucked him dry.

Anyway. "Huh. Your loss. I need to learn four jutsu before the finals. Hope you don't plan on sleeping." I smiled brightly, as my sensei sighed, before grasping my shoulder.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We shunshined to the Hokage tower, finding him...

...Still filing paperwork. Eh.

"Hokage-sama. I come bearing bad news."

The old man looked up, not the least bit perturbed. "Hm. I thought I felt your chakra, Sasuke... What is it?"

Kakashi reported. "I was returning from my mission and as I stepped through the gates, I felt my student's chakra flare up. I went to investigate, and found that he had killed an assassin."

I cut in. "It was Dosu, from Hidden Sound. Not entirely sure why he attacked me, but regardless. Doesn't much matter now, anyway. Not like he'll be able to repeat his actions."

"... I would hope not. There wasn't enough of him left to fill a bucket." Kakashi commented drily, looking at me from the corner of his eye.

I shrugged. "Hey, there aren't many ways to kill someone with a zanbato, and none of them are pretty. I'm just pissed that the prick had to go and die on my pristine bedroom floor... Takes forever to get bloodstains out of hardwood... I mean come on, couldn't he have at least had the decency to go and die in the kitchen, where I've got easy-to-clean linoleum? Or the bathroom? At least he didn't get blood on my carpets..."

...Both men sweatdropped, somewhat puzzled by my priorities, I suppose.

Hey. It means a lot to have a nice, clean home. Doesn't have to be perfect, but I hate, hate, haaaate bloodstains. They just really detract the value of a home, y'know? Bloodstains make it look cheap and used. Like a hooker.

...

Oh, that was funny. Admit it.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"...I'll submit this to the investigative team. Sasuke, go home and get some rest. I'll post an Anbu team in the area to make sure this doesn't happen again. Kakashi? Your report?" Hiruzen stated, dismissing me, taking the scroll containing Dosu's remains.

I nodded, turning and walking out, wondering if there was a 24/7 store that sold furniture...

...

A short walk later, I was back inside my home, idly wondering if the clones had finished cleaning. When I walked into my bedroom, I found all three of them sitting on the floor, playing cards.

...Nice.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Back with Kakashi and the Hokage...**

"...Kakashi. You saw what happened." It was a statement. Not a question.

"I did. I arrived just before the fighting began... But I chose to observe and watch Sasuke's abilities unhindered, to witness his strength. I intended to stop them before any permanent damage was done, but... I should have stepped in earlier." The tall man looked... Slightly sheepish.

"It's understandable. You made a decisive decision, and Sasuke was unharmed. Tell me... How did he fare? He seemed more concerned with damage done to his home, than to his person." Hiruzen observed, stroking his beard.

"It was over before it even began. The Oto ninja, Dosu, attacked while Sasuke was asleep, using some form of sound-based attack. He missed entirely, at which point Sasuke threatened him. When he didn't immediately flee, Sasuke summoned three shadow clones and grasped the weapon of Zabuza Momochi, a massive zanbato. He shunshined behind Dosu, moving faster than my own eye could track; I used my sharingan to observe the rest of the battle. Sasuke sliced through the other boy's knees like , as his clones impaled him, before catapulting the enemy into the air. From there, he jumped and swung, effectively chopping Dosu in half."

"A sword bigger than himself... Impressive, even for a shinobi. He truly is much stronger than he lets on... Kakashi. I want you to watch him closely. Report any hints of treasonous behavior."

The Jounin nodded. "Understood, Hokage-sama. But may I ask, why?"

"I'm sorry, Kakashi. It's too complicated to explain... Just watch him very carefully, and remain cautious."

"...As you wish."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Back with Sasuke... The next day.**

I awoke again with a yawn, two hours later than I normally would've.

...And for once, I didn't find a pair of sandals on my sheets. Sweet.

Get up, get dressed, check the clones, gear up, make food, chow down, head out.

Where to, where to...

I didn't have to decide.

"Yo."

Kakashi was waiting outside, looking like his usual oddball self.

"Oy. Training field?"

He nodded, and we both left, heading for training field 3.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Once there... The fun really began.

"So, what is it you want to learn?" He asked, looking me over.

"Four things. Sealing jutsu; specifically, how to seal things into scrolls for ease of transportation. A water-style jutsu. Water Prison, if you know it, or Water Dragon. An ice-based jutsu... One for encasing an opponent in ice. And lastly, an earth jutsu, for creating a large, wide pit, thought it might not be necessary."

He looked dubious. "...That's a tall order for only a few weeks of instruction."

I concentrated chakra into my eyes, activating my bloodline. "Shouldn't be too hard. And I already have a plan for fighting Gaara; I just need the means to put it into effect."

...Once he saw my macabre grin of pure malice, he shuddered, fearing what I just might do when I got even stronger...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Three weeks later...**

And... Done. I had it. The last thing I needed, was now mine. For the entire duration of my training, I tripled the weight on my limbs; giving me a lot of trouble moving even when I maxed out my chakra flow.

That aside... I had the jutsu down. Admittedly, the earth one was a bit shaky, and far from perfect, but doable. After I practiced the water ones, ice was easy to work with.

...Though it was a bitch at first. Sealing was fairly easy, as it had no nature manipulation. Once I had all that done and over with...

Well. It was time for the finals.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_


	23. Chapter 23 The Third Exam! Part 1

**Naruto; What If**

**Third Arc; Chuunin Exams**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 23 - The Third Exam!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well... It was finally the day of the third test. The day of the invasion. The day that marked the end of an era...

Wonder how things will go.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**With the REAL Sasuke Uchiha...**

This is a strange world... There are no ninjas, and no chakra. People fight using strange things called guns, instead of knives or swords. Ninjas exist in this world, but they are isolated to Asian countries, and only existed several centuries ago. I'll have to look further into that subject.

On another note, I've gotten used to my new body, and its strengths and weaknesses. However, the thing called 'sex' is still a mystery to me... But it feels good.

I'm still confused as to why the woman living with me is always the one instigating such relations, but I don't mind. She even invited three other women on a few occasions...

At the same time.

...That was an enjoyable occurence.

What was wierd, though, was that there was what's called an animated series called 'Naruto' in this world...

Very strange. The titular character looks a lot like the Naruto from my own world... But far more badass than the dork I remember. But, that is all the time I have to think about how strange this world is.

Because Rebecca, the tan, buxom girl I'd first met when I woke up here, has just called for me.

From the kitchen. Wearing NOTHING but an apron. So I have to go now.

...

...Heeheeheehahahahahahaaa! This is fucking awesome! I haven't smiled this hard in ages! I love this world!

Fuck Itachi!

-Signed, Sasuke's Journal

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Back with our new and improved Sasuke Uchiha...**

We, being myself and Kakashi, arrived just in time to see the first match. Naruto against Neji...

We stood atop the arena wall, watching, waiting for our chance to make an epic entrance.

...A fashionably late one, Kakashi suggested.

Hmph. For once, FOR ONCE, I agreed to that. So we lounged on top of that wall, watching with binoculars

"So... Who do you think is going to win?" My cycloptic Jounin asked, popping the top of a beer.

I smirked. "Naruto, of course. That prick Neji doesn't stand a chance. Hm? Well, wouldja lookit that..." I turned slightly to the right, seeing Hinata in the stands, on her feet, waving, cheering.

"Hm? What is it? Did some woman take her top off?" Sensei asked, searching for what had caught my attention, his beer temporarily forgotten.

"...Nice. Hinata's cheering for Naruto. Hell, she's wearing an orange shirt with a great big 'N' on it."

"Really? Well... Guess she's finally confessed to our favorite knucklehead." This was confirmed when we saw Naruto turn, grin, and give the Hyuuga girl a thumbs-up.

"Holy crap. She didn't faint." No, she did not. Instead, her face flushed bright red, and she squeeled like a rabid fangirl. I noticed Kiba wince, covering his ears. Even Akamaru buried himself deeper within his master's shirt. Next to those two were dumb and dumber, Izumo and Kotetsu, the inseperable Chuunin. And even those two were in pain from her screaming.

...Wow. Now I know how Naruto felt when Sakura used to fangirl out on me.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Naruto fought hard, fought like a demon. To be honest... Seeing the Kyuubi's chakra was far scarier than fighting Orochimaru. It was positively malicious...

But I learned a new technique from watching. Kaiten; Rotation. Force a massive amount of chakra out of every point on your body, before spinning yourself around and pushing it outward. Hmm... I wonder if I can mimic that...

As Naruto cheered and gave a show of appreciation to the audience, I looked to Kakashi.

"Has Kabuto been taken care of?" I asked, somewhat worried for Kiba and Hinata.

"Yes. Yuugao and a squad of Anbu have 'removed' him from the premesis." This invoked a smile from moi.

"Good, good. That pest is harder to get rid of than a damn cockroach."

As we sat there speculating upon this, we heard Genma announcing the match between myself and Gaara was being postponed.

But then the chickenshit in the catsuit deigned not to fight. Bitch.

So, they pushed Shikamaru and Temari's fight to the front.

...And then Naruto pushed Shikamaru right into the ring. From forty feet up.

Heheh.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I just kinda tuned out Shikamaru's fight. I already knew how it'd turn out.

But when that was done, and they were about to disqualify me, myself and Kakashi stood up.

"You ready, Sasuke?"

"I was _born_ ready. Let's knock some heads."

And we both shunshined, just before Genma made the announcement.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Kakashi and myself landed on the ground in a swirl of leaves, startling Naruto, who had come down to yell at Shikamaru for forfeiting. Genma was unperturbed, quipping,

"Guess your habitual tardiness is contagious."

Kakashi rubbed the back of his head, and we both remarked in unison,

"Well y'see, a black cat crossed my path, and..."

And we both turned to look at one another, acting surprised that we'd both been making the same lame excuse.

I schooled my expression into comical disbelief, then pointed at my sensei and said, "He was fucking Tsume! My bloody alarm clock didn't go off, so I went to drag him along and caught them in bed! Well... The kitchen. If there's one thing I did NOT want to see today, it was sensei's hairy ass!"

By now, Kakahsi was trying to cover my mouth, to keep me silent, but failed miserably.

And since everything I said was being broadcast throughout the entire stadium...

Heheheheh.

But then, Genma piped up with a funny question. "Hang on, kid. When you say hairy ass, do you mean Kakashi's, or Tsume's?"

I widened my eyes. "Wrong question. I think what you meant was; whose ass was hairier?"

...Cue much, much more raucious laughter from most every leaf shinobi present, minus the Inuzukas, of course. Hell, even a few of them were laughing outright. Though Kiba looked positively rabid.

I think I heard Tsume herself laughing at that, but if she did, it was more at Kakashi's embarassment than the hairy ass comment.

...I swear, my sensei's ears were steaming, bright red.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Kakashi shunshined up into the crowd, and Shikamaru lazily strolled back up to the combatant waiting area. Before Naruto did the same, he propositioned me.

"Don't you dare lose to him. I want to fight you, too."

I couldn't keep my lips from forming a smirk. "You got it, bro. Just don't think that I'll go down as easily as Neji."

He grinned, looking like he'd just woken up on Christmas.

Heh, the prospect of getting his ass beaten gets him all excited? I outta introduce him to Anko.

Or Ibiki.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Gaara finally got down here, giggling to himself. I made it a point to look badass; didn't want people to think I was just a dick who made fun of his sensei, after all.

They were going to know that I was a STRONG dick who poked fun at his teacher.

Heheh. Pun.

Anywho. Gaara stood in front of me, creepy grin plastered to his ugly mug, and Genma was just about to signal the beginning of our match.

Just before he began, I spiked my chakra to the max, activating my dojutsu, already reaching for the massive scroll on my back.

"BEGIN!" Genma jumped away, keeping out of our fight.

**[Cue music; Shake That(Remix) by Eminem, The Re-Up]**

I jumped up and backward, tearing the scroll from my back as Gaara's sand flew out of his gourd, before he grimaced, cradling his forehead.

I wasn't going to waste the opportunity. Whipping the scroll open, I matched Gaara's grin.

"You need a bath, asshole!"

*Fwoosh!*

I unsealed what was in the scroll; Ninety _thousand_ gallons of water.

...Yeah, it took me a good two days to collect all that.

But it did the trick. the entire stadium was flooded with water; nearly all the way up; it stopped short maybe six feet from the stands. The guys in the waiting area have gotta be pissed.

Now, I know you idiots in the audience must be wondering why I went to the trouble of collecting all this water and bringing it here.(I had Kakashi help me gather the water, too. He didn't question it, and I'm pretty sure he knew why I wanted it. Tenten helped me learn sealing in the first place; I got tips from her on how to seal larger objects into smaller seals, and how to place multiple seals on the same scroll to increase storage space)

As I was saying. Now, where is Gaara from?

Sunagakure. Hidden Sand.

Where is that village situated? In a desert. And... Just what, exactly, do they lack in the desert? Water.

So, do you think that ninjas living in a desert have learned how to walk on water? Or even, how to swim?

...Heheheheheheheh. I'm evil.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

The water was completely unsealed within seconds, and all three of us submerged in it. I casually swam up, focusing chakra into my palms, knees, and feet.

Once my head broke the surface, I pulled myself up and out, and all I could hear was booing, cheering, and laughter all around me. The laughter was from most every non-Sand ninja in attendance, whereas a lot of spectators were booing from the lack of bloodshed or actual fighting. I then turned to see Genma doing the same as I had.

After coughing out a mouthful of water, he glared at me. "Nice one, kid. Thanks for the heads-up."

I smiled brightly. "You needed a bath, anyway. Maybe now you'll get a girlfriend."

Before he could respond, we heard splashing and sputtering.

Looking over, I saw Gaara thrashing about, coughing, choking, arms flailing.

Heheh, I was right. He can't swim.

I casually strolled over to where he was floundering, and leaned down, smiling.

"Yo, Gaara. Nice day for a swim, eh?"

"Guah! G-get me out of- Chuk, guak, gak! -Here!" He was steadily sinking, the sand covering his body turning dark tan, soaked through with water. His gourd was still strapped to his body, weighing him down even further. I'd've guesstimated the whole lot weighed around two hundred pounds when saturated. Substantial for a ninja on land, but in the water?

"Oh? What was that? Is something wrong? C'mon, it's just water." I had sixteen minutes until the water drained out of the arena; it wasn't water-tight, after all.

"I c- chuglubbub- Can't shwim!" His head finally went down to where only his forehead and hair weren't under, so I took pity on his sorry soaked ass.

Sighing, I plunged my left arm down, gabbing ahold of his shirt. Tugging him up, I pulled until his head, neck, and shoulders were above water-level.

I politely waited for him to stop hacking up his lungs, before speaking.

"Alright, Gaara, I have a proposition for you."

He was rather ticked off, so he didn't return my courtesy. "What?" He growled, glaring at me, trying to set me on fire with his mind.

"You're going to forfeit, and we're going to have a nice, long, civil discussion, in private."

His already thin eyes narrowed into slits. "And why should I?"

I smiled even wider, even brighter. "Because if you don't, I am going to tear out your throat and hold you under until you stop thrashing. Even if you manage to fight back, the water won't drain for another ten minutes, at least. You'd be dead in six."

"...Why? Why don't you just kill me?" An honest question, coming from him. I replied quiet as possible.

"Because the real monsters are the ones who attack children, ne? I know about the Shukaku; and how badly you've been mistreated." I turned my head to look over where the other Genin were standing on the water; well, most of them. Naruto, Shikamaru and Shino were supporting Temari and Kankuro, since neither of them could swim.

Naruto was laughing outright, whereas Shikamaru was smirking up a storm. Both Temari and catman looked worried, and fearful.

"You see the blonde knucklehead wearing orange over yonder? He's my best friend. And he's the same as you." I looked back at Gaara, whose eyes were wide as dinner plates. He looked like a raccoon.

"What... What do you mean?" His gravelly voice was still calm, despite his shocked expression.

"He's a jinchuuriki... A human container of a demon; the nine-tails. For years, he's been hated by nearly everyone in the village, for something he didn't know or comprehend. The only difference between him and you, was that he found friends that cared for him a bit earlier."

He was quiet for a moment. "...What is it you want from me?"

"To stop the invasion, and I want to help you." Keep it simple, stupid.

"Help me... Why? And how would you do that?" At least now he was being civil, for the most part. He didn't question how I knew about Suna and Oto's invasion, oddly enough.

"Because I can't stand seeing the way both you and Naruto are treated... And I know how it feels to be completely alone, hated by those around you. As to how... First off is having a seal master reinforce the seal keeping Shukaku bottled up, 'cuz whoever did it fucked up in a bad way. Hopefully that will stop him from rattling around in your head... You look like you haven't slept in weeks." IE, the raccoon-eyes.

Now... His move. If he agrees, I'll do my damndest to change the status quo, and set things right. If not...

Well. I'll knock his ass out cold and cart him off to be dealt with later.

I could see the gears turning as he went through his options. I think he sensed my lack of killing intent... That, or he understood just how far up shit's creek he really was.

"...Proctor. I forfeit." He raised his voice, so as to be heard.

There was booing all around, as people realised that Gaara of the Funk, er, Desert, had no back-up plan for this situation, and was giving up. I'm betting a LOTTA people lost money on that bet. Heheheh.

As Genma acknowledged Gaara's defeat, I pulled the boy up, offering my hand with a kind smile.(As kind as I can be, anyway)

...He took it.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**[Switch track; Imaginary, by Evanescence]** (Yes, I like them. Kiss my ass)

I hauled him onto my shoulder, not the least bit disturbed by his weight.(I'd removed my training weights when I woke up today, and I felt much lighter already) As I walked towards the other Genin, Naruto jumped and cheered, much to Temari's chagrin.(He was holding her up, after all. He was still pissed at Kankuro for threatening Konohamuro)

"Thanks." Gaara turned his head to stare at me.

"What for? You had me at a disadvantage." Robot-like answer, pure logic.

"...For trusting me. I promise you this; from today on, you have two friends who will do anything to help one another. And I swear that I'll do my damndest to ensure that people like you and Naruto aren't abused any longer." I truly, fully believed that. Punishing someone for the actions of others, or for circumstances that they have no control over, is just wrong. It's like blaming a kid born blind for being blind. They didn't want to be born that way, no?

"You're a strange person, Sasuke Uchiha..." The redhead was shaking his head, something like... Amusement, in his eyes.

I grinned. "I try, I try."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Once we were with the other Genin, there was cheering and congratulating abound.

"That was great, Sasuke!" Naruto, obviously.

"Heh, good tactic. Don't think I would've thought of that." Shikamaru. Very true, since I was crazy enough to try it.

"...Congratulations." ...Shino, the stoic.

"Ah, Gaara, are you alright?" Temari asked, sisterly concern in her voice. Strange, since it was tinted with fear.

"Yeah, you okay, Gaara?" Kankuro threw in, now exactly sounding very... Concerned. Not for Gaara, anyway. Maybe for himself. Eh.

"I am fine. Temari, Kankuro, we will not be participating in the operation."

"WHAT?! But-" Both sand siblings shouted, completely shocked.

"Enough." One word from the redhead, and both of them shut up, but quick. If not for the fact that those two feared for their very lives, I would've been impressed.

"Oy, oy. He has a point. The Hokage is already aware of the invasion, so staying out of it is much smarter. Without Gaara to kick things off, I'm not entirely sure if they'll even bother attacking."

...All of the assembled Genin stared at me. Genma was a ways off, so he hadn't heard anything, thankfully.

"...What?"

"Alright, I know I'm hands-down the smartest one here, and I haven't noticed anything pointing to an invasion. What the hell?" Shika was downright insulted. Not to mention he was now very carefully eyeing the big guy on his shoulder. Shino adjusted his glasses again, and I heard a faint buzzing sound... Heheheh, Kank looked like he was about to shit himself.

I raised an eyebrow. "Naruto, remember the creepy dude we fought in the forest? The one with the wierd tongue? Yeah, that was Orochimaru. He hates the village, and is here to attack it. Right now, he's up in the Kage box disguised as the Kazekage. In fact... I do believe the Kazekage's been dead for a few days, now."

This revelation rocked both Kankuro and Temari to the very core, whereas Gaara looked only mildly shocked. Before they could recover, I indicated the now-visible combatant waiting area.(The water had drained considerably, so it was now accessible... If you were willing to get your feet wet)

"Let's finish this conversation... Somewhere else."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Yo! Alright, alright, I'm sorry, but I ran into a little old lady and I had to help her across the street, so...**_

_**...**_

_**Yeah. Anyway. I checked out "Chronicles of the Fox Apprentice,"by Laughter, which is the closest thing I could find to The Fox's Apprentice. If that's not it, well...**_

_**POST THE DAMN AUTHOR'S NAME! **_

_**As I was saying... After helping that little old lady, a black cat crossed my path, and I had to help him fight off a T-Rex, a big man with a spear, and a wierdo with some kinda wacky sword-thingamabob.(If you get that refrence, kudos to you)**_

_**After that... I spent some time in Europe, doing everything BUT relaxing. So much for a vacation...**_

_**...They didn't even get me breakfast. Bastards.(Again, if you get this movie refrence, you are a complete badass)**_

_**So, that's it. Nothing else new. Shoo, go away. Sod off till my next chapter rolls along.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**"I keep hearing the phrase 'gun violence'. These must be poorly raised guns with bad parents. Mine sit quietly in their safe waiting to go out and play with daddy."**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"_**Show me a young conservative and I'll show you a man without a heart. Show me an old liberal and I'll show you a man without a brain." - Sir Winston Churchill**_


	24. Chapter 24 The Third Exam! Part 2

**Naruto; What If**

**Third Arc; Chuunin Exams**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 24 - The Third Exam! Part 2

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

As the six of us started off towards the combatant waiting area, Genma called after us,

"Hold up! The next match is starting now. Naruto Uzumaki and Sasuke Uchiha, remain in the arena."

Oh... Shit. I... Hadn't planned this far ahead. Whoops.

Naruto and I shared a look. We were the two strongest Genin that had won their matches; therefore, we were going up against each other now to give the crowd a show... Motherfuck.

I looked over to Shikamaru and Shino. "Err... Can you two carry the sand-siblings out?"

For once, I saw Shino looking annoyed. Hm.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We(Being myself and Naruto) pawned our burdens onto our comrades, before returning to the center of the arena.(Still flooded, so we were standing on the water's surface, a good forty-five feet up)

For some reason... This felt familiar. Two friends and rivals, fighting to the death on the surface of a river...

Hm. Right-o, been done.

As we stood there, both of us grinning ear-to-ear, Genma looked between us.

"Put on a decent show this time, otherwise the crowd's gonna riot." Myself and Naruto rolled our eyes.

"So, dobe..." I prompted, using the original Sasuke's nickname for Naruto. It means dead-last

"So, duckbutt..." He responded, using my annoying nickname.

"Don't hold back. Show me how much you've grown, Naruto." I shifted into my stance, focusing my chakra. Naruto grinned, doing the same.

"Count on it." I could feel, and see, his chakra flowing, far stronger than it had when he was fighting Neji. This...

Would be difficult.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Are you both ready...? Then... _BEGIN!_"

Genma jumped back, as Naruto and I launched ourselves at each other, fists cocked, chakra grating together...

It felt like trying to push two magnets together, north to north or south to south. Our chakra simply didn't want to give... And neither did we.

_"__**GRRRRRAAAAAAAGGHHH!**__"_

Our knuckles connected, each to the other's cheek. Not exactly... Smart.

Both of us found ourselves flying, in the wrong direction. I felt myself fall... Until my back collided witht eh water, flipping me like I was on spin cycle.

He fucking skipped me across the water. Fuck.

***Thuh-CRACK!* **

...And I finally crashed against the wall. Ow.

Fucking, ow.

After I extricated myself from the Sasuke-shaped indentation,(OW) I dusted myself off, and looked over to the Naruto-shaped indentation. He pulled himself out, falling flat on his face in the water.

...He pulled himself up, looking decidedly pained. Hm.

I strolled across the surface of the water, still brushing dust from my sleeves.

"Uh, Naruto... Would you mind if we just settled this with some good old-fashioned fisticuffs?" Might be better if we do that, since I don't want to waste all my chakra before the real battle even begins.

"Uuuugh... Yeah... Sounds good to me."

Shaking the double-vision from our heads, we approached one another, slightly unsteady on our feet. Once we were eye-to-eye, we both grinned.

(...Not a pretty sighty. Both of us were missing teeth)

"Shadow clone jutsu!" Oh, crap. Well...

...He had me surrounded. Every single Naruto grinned, brandishing kunai, shuriken, and various other ninja tools.

"_Care to forfeit, duckbutt?_" They mocked, intending to rile me up. I simply raised an eyebrow.

"Not a chance." Several clones reared back, preparing to throw... Ok, Sasuke, time to pull a win outta my ass.

"_You can't avoid us all!_" 

A ghost of a smile creeped into my expression...(I couldn't help it. He just pushed my 'Asshole' button)

"_**Watch me.**_"

...And they threw, before each of them made a handseal. "_Shuriken shadow clone jutsu!_"

Suddenly, dozens of kunai turned into hundreds... Aww, shit. Well, I _could _just drop myself into the water, but that would be cheating. And I felt like being a dick.

I forced every ounce of chakra I had cycling to flow outward, pushing my control to the limit, before shifting my stance, and pushing off, spinning my body around in place...

Perfectly mimicking what Neji had done against Naruto.

_**"Kaiten!"**_

_'Whoa...Whoa, whoa, whoawhoawhoawhoaWHOA!' _

_'HO-LY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT!' _Were my exact thoughts, as my body spun around like a top, surrounded by the dazzling, brilliant blue light of chakra...

Felt like I was running a mile a minute, but still. It looked awesome!

What's more... I could feel every weapon Naruto threw bounce off, flying in different directions. It was as though my chakra was an extension of my body... I guess in a way, it is.

After a mere three and a half seconds, I slowed to a stop, dizzy as fuck. If it weren't for the fact that I knew I was surrounded by shadow clones, I would've freaked at seeing that many Naruto's.

Felt like I was about to puke, but I do have my image to think of... So I forced myself to stay upright, in a verrrry stable, down-low stance, confident smirk tacked onto my features.

The jaw of every Naruto in attendence was on the floor.(Water. We were still ten to twenty feet above the dirt)

"What's wrong, dobe? You look like you've seen a ghost." As my vision slowly stopped spinning, I pulled myself up, shifting into none other than Neji Hyuuga's fighting stance; hoping to psyche him(And everyone in the audience) out.

He was absolutely stunned. "How... How did you..." As he fumbled over words, I chanced a glance towards the section reserved for the Hyuugas...

Hiashi was on his feet, jaw hanging, while one of the older men was clutching his chest. Whoops. Might've given the old coot a heart attack. Although Hanabi was amazed, and when my gaze flicked to where Hinata was seated, she looked as though she'd just laid an egg, and was staring at it. Disbelief and wonder... Hm.

I turned back to Naruto. "Still wanna fight?"

He immediately switched gears from stricken to annoyed. "Hell yeah!"

Although... He surprised me. His clones poofed out of existance, and he ran at me head-on, for one more bout of hand-to-gland... Erm, hand. Whoops. Heheh.

I went back to my own stance, lurching towards him. Time to end this...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

And end it we did. Once we got nose-to-forehead,(I was taller than him) he sent me a subtle wink, and we both started one of those girly fake-fight slapping contests.

...Observing the collective expressions of annoyance and disbelief from the crowd was amusing, to say the least.

"Ow! Stop it!"

"Ooh, you made me break a nail!"

"You hussy! That was your own fault!"

"Now you've gone and done it! That hair is an awful dye-job!"

*Gasp* "But you said it looked good!"

"I also said you weren't fat, but that was a lie!"

"You...You... Boyfriend-stealer!"

...Things really went downhill from there.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**"ENOUGH!"**

...?

Naruto and I extricated ourselves from one another, before turning to face the Kage box. Where the Kazekage(Orochimaru in disguise) was on his feet, frothing at the mouth. Apparently, he hadn't enjoyed the spectacle.

**"I'VE HAD IT! YOU TWO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE KILLING EACH OTHER, NOT MAKING FOOLS OF YOURSELVES! GAAAH! BEGIN THE OPERATION!"**

...And off he went, giving orders, revealing his identity, showing off his half-assed army,(Several of the Suna nins were looking very skeptical when Gaara didn't show up) and then going off on a tirade about how he hated the village.

"...I think we made him angry." I commented, idly wondering if he'd give himself a stroke.(The fatal kind, not the kind you do in the bathroom when no one's around)

"...I think you may be right." Naruto replied drily, looking faintly amused.

As Orochimaru went on and on with his rant, I said, "...I'm hungry. Wanna get some ramen?"

"Yeah, sounds good. Lemme go grab Hina-chan first, though."

"Gotcha, I'll meetcha at Ichiraku's right after AFROCHIMARU is dead."

Now, of course, we were STILL being broadcasted to the entire stadium, sooo...

Yeah. He was litterally frothing. Heheh. I'm evil.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**"I ask, sir, what is the militia? It is the whole people, except for a few public officials." **_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~  
**_  
"To disarm the people is the best and most effectual way to enslave them."  
-George Mason


	25. Chapter 25 The Invasion! Part 1

**Naruto; What If**

**Third Arc; Chuunin Exams**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 25 - The Invasion! Part 1

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

As we stood in the arena, feathers started falling all around us... Guess they found someone else to perform the genjutsu.

"Kai!" I brought my hands together, surging my chakra, breaking free of said genjutsu. I looked over to where Naruto was swaying on his feet, eyes lidded. Right, he didn't know what genjutsu is. Lovely.

I moved over to him, placing a hand on his forehead, before forcing my chakra to pulse through his system.

"Guah! What the hell?!" He cradled his forehead, cringing. Whoops. Too much.

"Sorry, first time canceling genjutsu on someone."

"Owowowow... Well don't practice on me! That shit hurts... Whoa. What's going on?" He was looking up into the stands, where ninjas of all different villages were fighting.

"Hmph. Oto and Suna have decided to attack our village... We can't let them destroy our home. Let's go knock some heads!" I grinned, drawing my sword, starting towards the arena wall.

"Right!" Naruto caught up with me, as we started running straight up the wall, intent on saving as many Leaf citizens as possible.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_'So it seemed the boy was right...' _Sarutobi thought as he dodged another of Orochimaru's attacks.

"I suppose that old nickname of yours has gotten around, eh, AFROchimaru?"

"AGGGGGGHHH! I WILL KILL YOU!"

Hiruzen chuckled as he avoided another of his former student's sloppy attempts to do just that.

'_I wonder just how difficult this will be... Especially since he's missing an arm. _'

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Back to Sasuke's POV**

I ripped my blade out of another Oto-nin's chest cavity, marking my thirteenth kill. I scanned my battlefield for targets...

Naruto had two enemies pinned underneath a dozen shadow clones, effectively crushing said ninjas. Kakashi was gettin' busy; he was zipping around like a whirlwind of death, slashing throats, snapping necks, kicking shins, groping tits... Yeah, he was a true-to-form class-A perv, but he did his job quickly and efficiently.

Might Guy was watching Sensei's back, cracking skulls and snapping bones, with all the vigor of a man in a thirty-woman orgy.

...Yeah, he was having a grand old time. I saw Sakura and Ino working together to take down bigger, stronger baddies, whereas Lee was working to keep those two safe. Nice guy.

With a momentary glance, I saw Hinata and Kiba thrashing several masked Oto-nins, with a few Suna's in to spice things up. Hm. Oddly enough, I haven't run into any opponents from Suna...

Turning back to the task at hand, I brought my blade around behind me, just in time to block a particularly foolish punk who thought he could get the drop on me.(I could hear him panting like an elephant during sex)

I dropped to the ground, swinging my leg back in a sweep kick, knocking him off his feet. As my body spun with the momentum, I brought my sword around and over, impaling the poor bastard through his neck, staking him to the ground.

Pulling myself to my feet and ripping my sword from his thrashing corpse, I began making my way around, searching for allies in need of assisstance.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Hah!" I struck another opponent in the gut, making him double over with blood pouring out of his mouth.

"Hinata!" I spun at the sound of someone calling my name, just in time to see another enemy lunging right at me...

I knocked his weapon aside and out of the way, giving him a rabbit-punch to the throat in return. He fell to the ground, unmoving.

"Thank you, Kiba-kun. Byakugan!" Activating my dojutsu, I looked around for Naruto-kun...

There he was, taking down several enemies at once. So he was alright... Hm. But Sasuke-kun was nowhere in sight...

I noticed something in my peripheral vision.

"Kiba! Behind you!" I turned, moving to intercept...

No... He was too far... Moving too fast... Damn...!

Kiba-kun was turning, kunai in hand, trying to deflect the enemy's sword in time...

No chance. He just wasn't fast enough...

Before the Inuzuka could even turn around completely, something happened. The Suna-nin's entire arm was sliced clean off, blood flying, just before his head followed suit. Wha...?

And there he was, kicking the dead shinobi away, flicking the blood off his sword.

Sasuke-kun was standing tall, looking like a man at the top of his game. "...And another one bites the dust. You two okay?" Kiba-kun blinked, nodding.

"Yeah, thanks. What the hell's going on? Who are these punks?"

"Oto is invading the village, and manipulating Suna into helping them. Priority targets are Sound; unless they attack first, Suna nins are off-limits. Where's Kurenai?" He was still looking around, sword at the ready, searching for enemies and allies.

Hidden Sound is invading? Why? And if they're manipulating Hidden Sand...

"I dunno. She wasn't sitting in this section." Kiba-kun shrugged, an apprehensive, worried look in his eyes. Most couldn't tell how he really felt, but after being around him for so many months, his idiosyncracies were as blatant as his prideful nature.

"Damn. I can't leave you two alone, but... Shit." Sasuke-kun suddenly spun, eyes flashing dangerously, before someone... Familiar, dropped down next to him, smirking.

"Hey. You kids doing alright?" One of Neji-niisan's teammates, Tenten-san, I think. Sasuke-kun smirked, addressing her.

"Just fine, Tenten. Should you even be up?" Ah. I was right. Though it is hard to mistake her for someone else, since her family is the only one whose women favor that hairstyle.

Speaking of which... What WAS her surname...

"Yeah, yeah, smartass. I'm fine." Her voice brought my head out of the clouds, when Sasuke started off.

"Keep those two safe, Tenten! And don't get yourselves killed!" He ran headlong into the fray, where several ninjas of varying allegiences were fighting all around the passed-out civillian spectators...

He was reckless, and yet... Just was as inspirational as Naruto-kun. Oh!

"Sasuke-kun! Is Naruto-kun alright?" I asked, just as the dark-haired boy ran off.

"He's fine! Worry about yourself!" He called back, just before he disappeared from view...

"That show-off... Well, these guys aren't going to run themselves out of our village. Come on!" Kiba and I both nodded.

"Right!"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

All around the village... Battles were raging. On the west side, there was a three-headed giant snake attempting to slaughter as many as possible. Hm. Time to fix that.

I stood on top of a building, focusing my chakra as my hands curled into a familiar set of handseals.

"Summoning jutsu!"

A massive plume of smoke appeared... Within moments, it dissippated enough to reveal Manda in all his glory, as he looked around.

"**WHO DARESSSSS TO SSSSSUMMON THE GREAT MANDA?!" **

Again with this schtick?!

"SASUKE MOTHERFUCKING UCHIHA, BITCH!" I shouted from atop his head, much to his chagrin.

"**YOU AGAIN?!**"

"Damn straight! Now listen up! You see the giant snake over there? Go kick his ass. Any Sound ninjas within the village are yours to devour! However! You are NOT to harm any Leaf or Sand shinobi! Nor any prisoners or civillians! There should be at least three hundred Oto-nins here. Eat to your heart's content!"

I immediately hopped off his head and onto the neighboring building, while Manda turned to glare at me.

"**...VERY WELL, BRAT.**" And he took off, slithering through the streets, heading for the Western wall.

Well. That went better than expected. I was tired and sweating, but I turned my attention back to the task at hand...

Hopping on top of the Arena wall, I observed what was going on around me...

There were several simultaneous battles going on in and around the arena... None of which needed my immediate attention. Kakashi and Guy were holding up well, kicking some serious ass.

Hinata, Kiba, and Tenten were fine. Kotetsu and Izumo were backing them up.

Kurenai and Asuma were fine, with Shikamaru aiding.

Sakura, Ino, Choji, and Lee were whipping an ass and a half.

Wait... There! Anko was facing off with nearly a dozen Oto-nins. And they looked homicidal... Damn. Guess they hate Anko for spurning their glorious leader... Hm. I recognised two of them as Jounin, at least. Anko was being pushed back, but no lethal injuries landed... Guess It's time to become a big damn hero...

But how to go about it...

Aha.

Heheheheheh, I'm a big damn show-off.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**[Cue Music; You Can't Stop It, by Skindred, Shark Bites and Dog Fights]**

I waited calmly, observing the fight... Once it got close to the balcony, where I could make an entrance, I raced through handseals, focusing chakra through my arm and both legs. Time to kick this into high-gear.

***Pul-Chichichichichichichichichic hichi!***

Chidori... A highly destructive technique based on mastery of lightning-nature chakra.

I leaned over the edge of the wall, letting myself fall...

Before slamming both feet flat against it, sprinting along its side, straight towards the snake Jounin.

Thirty feet... Twenty... Fifteen... Ten... Seven... Three...!

I jumped, spear-heading into the observational area, turning my body as I flew, swiping Chidori down upon the first of the Oto Jounin...

His focus was on Anko at the time, and he hadn't reacted quick enough. He suffered the same fate as Yoroi Akado; effectively sliced from shoulder-to-waist, everything in-between utterly destroyed.

As I stood covered in the unnamed enemy's blood, Anko just behind me, I retook my stance, Chidori still in effect.

_**"Who's next?" **_

Damn... Nearly every one of them was in shock, but the other Jounin recovered the quickest. She sprang into action, lunging straight at me, kunai in hand.

She went face-to-fist with Anko. Not pretty.

"Stay away from him, bitch!" The enemy went flying, landing roughly on the floor, rolling to a stop. She got up growling, reevaluating her options.

" 'Bout time you showed up, Sasuke..."

I smirked. "Didn't wanna cramp your style. Let's get this done and over with the old-fashioned way." I finally ran out of chakra for the technique and let the Chidori dispell, before drawing my blade.

Anko smirked, quirking an eyebrow. "Old-fashioned way? By that, you don't happen to mean cutting them into bite-sized pieces, hmm?"

"You know me so well." I smiled, shunshining right behind the furthest enemy, hacking his legs out from under him. Anko had raced forward, launching into an intricate form of taijutsu against several opponents...

Hmm... Hebi style, I suppose... It was unpredictable, at least to the naked eye. My sharingan had little difficulty analysing it, but without it, I wouldn't be able to follow so easily. Hm.

Moving on. Whoa, I was already on my third kill. Guess I killed 'em in the time it took to describe the way she fights... Amazing. I'm that badass.

Heheh.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Next opponent... He was a taijutsu specialist, I suppose. He kept up with me, able to avoid all of my lethal strikes, but not quite able to escape unscathed. Time to speed things up. I smirked, forming a cross-shaped handseal.

"Shadow Clone jutsu!" I'm starting to feel like Naruto...

Seven more Sasukes appeared, all in various stances of the different CQC forms, all of them with different weapons. A spear, longswords, knives, katana, tomahawks, Zabuza's zanbato, and a bladed chain...

"_**Eight Deaths formation; Rising Sun!"**_

I went straight up the middle, rushing the remaining group of enemy shinobi, while my clones surrounded them. We fought them into a tight-knit circle...

I swung, left-right-high-low-thrust, never letting any of the enemy gain an inch of ground, constantly forcing them back, further and further...

Anko was keeping the enemy Jounin busy, while I dealt with the rest of the rabble. I'd better make this quick.

Within two minutes, every Oto nin was back-to-back, tightly packed into a tiny area, before my clones switched to phase two.

Several of them threw their weapons through the crowd, a wire attatched to it, just for one of the other clones to snatch it out of the air. The one with the chain effectively ran it around and through the group, before the other end made it to me.

The clones made sure the wires were intertwined with every enemy present, ensuring their demise.

Once that was done, I placed the grip of the chain between my lips, flipping through handseals.

"_**Lemme see you burn... Rising Sun! **_Dragon Flame jutsu!"

...And as I used the technique, the fire passing along the chain, as every clone did the same, sending flames along every wire, burning everything touching those wires to ash...

And then burning the ash into nothing.

As the technique ended, and my clones dispersed, I turned to Anko, who was having slight difficulty taking down her Jounin opponent.

I sighed, flipping my sword. I was starting to really feel the drain on my chakra reserves... Much more of this and I'll wind up like Kakashi. Time to end it.

Flaring my chakra once more, I rushed headlong towards her, intent on finishing this fight before more casualties are inflicted.

Our enemy was falling back, avoiding much of Anko's attacks, but she was forming hndseals, preparing-

Earth style. Unknown of which, but not something I can allow.

I shunshined right behind her, forming a handseal.

"Shadow Clone jutsu!" I summoned three more clones, all with normal weapon-sets, intent on ending this now.

Anko hopped back, figuring I had some kind of plan. She was right.

I swung my blade low, trying to swipe the bitch's legs out from under her.

No go. She jumped, avoiding that, but practically walked right into my clones' attack.

_"__**Heaven and Earth; Starfall!**__"_

All three of them impaled her, from the flanks and front, before performing the same technique on her that had ended Dosu's life.

As she rose through the air... I jumped, flipping, bringing my blade down.

***Schwling-kkhupklh!***

...And that was that.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Landing on my feet, my clones dispelled just as the woman's body hit the floor, splattering blood and gore all around.

Idly flicking blood from my blade, I looked to Anko, whose penetrating stare was rather... Unnerving.

"Hm? What is it?"

"...Nothing. It's just rare to see Genin who can kill without hesitation."

I shrugged. "In the immortal words of the Yankee Marshal, I am a grown-ass man. I cannot let my personal feelings cloud my judgement, nor my sympathy for an opponent prevent me from ensuring the survival of myself and my allies."

(YM has a channel on YouTube, which I highly reccommend. He's a great inspiration, and really funny, besides)

"...A grown-ass man, huh?"

I grinned brightly. "And a grown-cock man. Wanna see?"

"...Not unless you want to become a half-cock man." Ouch.

"Ouch, that hurts my feelings." She rolled her eyes.

"I'll show you hurt feelings if you don't move your ass."

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. "Yeah, yeah. You're welcome, by the way."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**"I ask, sir, what is the militia? It is the whole people, except for a few public officials." **_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~  
**_  
"To disarm the people is the best and most effectual way to enslave them."  
-George Mason


	26. Chapter 26 The Invasion! Part 2

**Naruto; What If**

**Third Arc; Chuunin Exams**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 26 - The Invasion! Part 2

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

And so... The battle raged on. Between Anko and I, very few enemies posed an actual threat. I suppose Orochimaru was aiming more for quantity rather than quality... His troops were relying on the element of surprise, which they lacked. Not to mention... Many Suna-nins stayed out of the fight, having seen and heard that the Kazekage was killed by Orochimaru.

That... Was my doing. A little doubt goes a long way, after all...

Anyway. The fighting lasted a mere hour and forty minutes, before the few remaining enemy combatants either retreated or surrendered, as the Hokage himself joined the battle.

He forced Orochimaru to retreat, heavily wounded. I suppose my little tidbit of information saved his skin after all. The old man looked hearty and hale, if a bit winded.

After he started zipping around, taking down insurgents by the dozens, he went atop the Hokage Monument, making an announcement of victory over our invaders. The boost to morale was astounding, to say the least. A grand cheer went up, before every Leaf shinobi pushed on, fighting twice, no, thrice as hard to repel Oto and Suna.

And repel we did. Another twenty minutes was spent rounding up captives, before we gathered in front of the Hokage Tower, our prisoners carted off by the Anbu to be interrogated shortly thereafter.

"Comrades! You have all fought well, today! Though we have been devastated by the betrayal of our allies from Suna, we will recover! Know this, enemies of the Leaf! No matter who you are, no matter what you do... We shall always stand back up, stronger than ever!"

I raised my arm high, shouting, "OORAH! LONG LIVE THE HOKAGE!LONG LIVE THE LEAF!"

This... Was picked up by others. "Long live the Hokage! Long live the Leaf!"

"Long live the Leaf! Long live the Leaf!"

...

"LONG LIVE THE LEAF! LONG LIVE THE LEAF!"

...Louder... And Louder..

"**LONG LIVE THE LEAF! LONG LIVE THE LEAF!**"

...Until we drowned out everything...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**...Three days later...**

The repairs have gone exceedingly well. Nowhere near as much of the village was damaged as I had first thought, so very little time was needed. I was once more going around, having nothing more to do for another day... When I was stopped in the street by Tenten.

"Sasuke."

"Hm? Yes?" What did she want now?

"...About our bet... You were right after all." Ahh, of course. Hmm... Time for mischief.

I smiled. "Oh, you remembered. Good. Meet me at the Golden Arch restaurant tonight, sometime around six, my treat." It was one of the higher-end dining establishments around, requiring reservations. I'd better go get that taken care of.

"Wait, you don't have to-" She probably didn't want me spending money on her.

"Nah, nah, I insist. I'll see you there." ...And I shunshined, already forming a plan. Mwahahahah.

After making the proper arrangements, I made my way to my next destination. The Hokage Tower.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I knocked on his office door, politely waiting to be called in. When he did, I strolled in like it was MY office.

...It's all in the performance, and the strut. Always the strut.

"Yo, Sarutobi."

He looked up from his papers. "Hm? Sasuke. What brings you here?"

"Just a bit of advice. Would you say it's about time for you to retire? Y'know, spend more time with your grandkids, painting, that sorta thing?"

"...And just what makes you think I'm too old to do my job?"

"Nothing much... Just that in order to preserve my knowledge of the future, the Godaime Hokage must be appointed."

"And just who is the Fifth Hokage supposed to be?" His voice wasn't as annoyed as before, but still not friendly.

"Tsunade. Jiraiya, Naruto and myself should set out to reel her in by week's end."

"My student...? I know that Jiraiya would never accept the position, but... She has had nothing to do with the village for years. How would you convince her to return?"

"Naruto. He's like a carbon copy of Tsunade's little brother, and he's very charismatic. Combine that with my good looks and charm? We could convince her to sleep with Jiraiya if we put our minds to it! Besides, we both know that you're no longer in your prime, and the members of Akatsuki are ALL stronger than Orochimaru. Despite your title as the God of Shinobi, we need someone stronger. Even you cannot fight time."

The old man was silent for a good while as he pulled out his pipe, lighting up.

"Tell me... In your time, I was supposed to die, wasn't I?"

I smiled. "Uh-huh. But seeing as you're still breathing, I call that a victory. I take it you prevented Pedochimaru from summoning the previous Hokages?"

"I did. He was unable to use most jutsu, since he was also missing an arm. Was that your doing?" His eyebrow quirked, and a ghost of a smile graced his ancient features.

"Of course. So, will you allow us to bring in someone to take the hat for you? I figure retirement's looking pretty nice after a fight like that."

He chuckled at that. "Indeed... I'll call for Jiraiya within the hour. By Friday, you and Naruto shall accompany him in search of Tsunade. I suppose that is enough to repay you for saving my life?"

My grin somehow morphed into a kind smile. Surprised me. "It is. Thank you for your aid, Hokage-sama." I bowed deeply, going as far as possible to show respect to a man that has risked his life and limb for those around him.

A true hero.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Leaving the tower, I reached into my pocket, fishing out my pocket watch.

It was 4:30 in the afternoon... I have time to kill. Ah, but what to do... What to do...

Hmm...

Wonder what dorky and his girlfriend are up to... Yeah... That'll kill an hour.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I casually strolled in the general direction of Ichiraku's, figuring Naruto's appetite to get the better of him. There, I found... The stand empty. Of Naruto and Hinata, that is. Otherwise, it was packed. Tons of civillians and shinobi alike, chowing down.

Good food, after all.

Hmm... If they're not there... Aha!

I grinned wickedly, already moving in the direction of Naruto's apartment.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I pounded on the door, tapping my foot waiting for him. When the door swung open, I found him standing there, toothbrush in his mouth, a towel wrapped around his waist. I guess he slept in? Or he was up all night. Either way.

"Yo! Get dressed and meet me at the training field in twenty-five minutes. " I quickly turned and dashed away, not giving him time to say no.

Heheh, I am evil.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

My next destination... Was the Hyuuga estate. I knocked on the door, once more politely waiting for someone to answer. Oddly enough, it was my target who opened the door.

"Yes, Sasuke-kun?" Hinata answered, a puzzled look in her cute expression.

"Heya, Hinata. I need you to get to training field 3 in twenty minutes. Naruto wanted to meet you there for a picnic, or something or other."

The girl's brows quirked, and her head tilted. "A picnic? Umm..."

"Yeah, I dunno. He was trying to figure out a way to ask you, since he didn't want to seem clingy, and I figured the direct method would work best." I grinned, rubbing my head.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Now... For the finishing touches. I hauled ass to said training field, which was basically nothing but a forest with a clearing,(The same one we took our Genin test in) and tacked a note to the center post, before setting a basket on top of said post.(I grabbed that along the way. I had prepared it earlier) Now... To sit back and watch the fireworks.

I hid in one of the trees, kicking back with a cold beer,(I'd snagged it when I was grabbing the pic-a-nic basket. Just call me Yogi) waiting for the spectacle.

Well... Fifteen minutes later, Naruto waltzed in, looking around for me. Then he spotted the note...

As he walked over and looked it over, Hinata entered the area, looking around. When she spotted Naruto, she walked over to him, of course.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Ah, Naruto-kun!"

Naruto spun around, his face bright red. "Ah, h-hey Hina-chan!"

She smiled, though if it was from the nickname or just being with him, I couldn't tell. "You wanted to have a picnic?"

"Ah, yeah, apparently..." She frowned lightly, head tilting. Uh-oh.

"Apparently...? Ano, what's written on the note?"

He handed it to her wordlessly, face flushed. Well... It WAS rather raunchy. Heheh.

As she skimmed over its contents, her own cheeks darkened, before she, too, was red as a tomato. Heheh, I guess I put in a little too much imagery.

"Umm... Ano, Naruto-kun..." Hinata began, looking away from the blushing blonde.

"Ah, I don't expect you to wanna go that far yet Hinata! Sasuke-teme did this on his own... Probably just trying to embarass me again." Yes, but still. It would work in their favor.

"Ano... N-naruto-kun... I... I wouldn't m-mind doing s-such things..." Ringa-ding-ding-ding-ding! Weeeeee have a winner! Yessah! Awesomesauce!

Ahem. Naruto's face turned three shades darker, before he gulped. "Hina-chan... I-I... Um.." Welp, I figure it's right about time for me to get out of here.

Using all my skills as a super-great ninja, I worked my way through the trees, until I was facing the two of them from a different angle...

And then I pulled a small pebble from my pouch, intended for just this purpose I took careful aim...

And threw it, hard as I could. It sped through the air, faster than any kunai, and connected with that basket.

...Tipping said basket over, hurtling off the post, spilling its contents onto the ground.

Now... Since I packaged everything in it, nothing was spilt or ruined, but...

Two of the items that spilled out, obvious for the entire world to see, was a very large pack of condoms. A whole assortment, different sizes, thicknesses, textures, colors, _flavors..._

And the other item, was a bright pink, chakra-operated vibrator. It had a note tied to it, addressing it to Hinata. I suppose that was overkill, but regardless.

Heheheheheh. I'm a magnificent bastard if there ever was a one.

While Naru and Hina processed just what those things were, I turned and started off, not wanting to intrude on their moment.(Nor their mutual taking of virginities. Pervert I am, but Kakashi I am not)

'Cuz that's about how long he's gonna last for his first pop. Virgin.

Aaaahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahaaa!

Now, then... Ahh, what to do... Hmm...

I checked my watch once more... Hmm. I've killed enough time. It was 5:45. Time to put my plan into action.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Making my way to the Golden Arch, I walked right in, and found Tenten in a rather fetching dress, sitting at a table in a secluded corner, looking slightly off-kilter.

Hm.

I came right over, clapping her on the shoulder.

"Hey, Tenten. Ready for your date?"

She stared at me, as I was still in my standard battle-attire. "Well, duh. I'm here, aren't I?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Good enough. I'll have your date here soon, so wait awhile, okay?"

She grabbed my sleeve before I was able to make a hasty exit.

"Hold on. What do you mean, my date? I thought you were-"

"You thought wrong. Now, I know you don't like me, so I'm going to bring someone you do like. The meal has been paid for, and I am going to tell him I've kept you waiting for over an hour. Now sit down, shut up, and have a nice time." I hardened my heart, not looking her in the eye... I don't think I could keep my mask in place if I did.

...She openly gawked at me. I patted her head, turned, and left, already making my way to the Hyuuga estate.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**From Neji's point of view**

*Khuh khuh!*

"Hm?" Someone was knocking at the door. As a member of the branch family, myself or one of the others usually answers it out of habit, since most main family members are... Above such mundane tasks.

So petty... But I digress. I pulled the door open, and found..

"...What do you want?" There stood Uchiha Sasuke... Smug bastard.

"Hello, Neji. I just dropped by to tell you that you're expected at the Golden Arch."

I blinked involuntarily. "...The Golden Arch? Why would I be expected there?" Even for me, that's... A little out of my price range, at least for pocket change. Not every Hyuuga has access to such deep bank accounts...

"You DO know that Tenten has a crush on you, no? Well, she lost a bet to me, and her end of the bargain was to go on a date with me. Seeing as she's more interested in you, I wanted to give her what she wants. And I suggest you hurry, she's been waiting there for an hour." ...He turned and left, not giving me the chance to respond. That.. That...

SON OF A WHORE!

I turned, dashing straight for my quarters. Ah... If it's that place, I'd better find something decent to wear...

And the cost.. Damn him! He's going to bankrupt me just to keep a friend from being humiliated!... What a worthless piece of...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Back to Sasuke's POV**

Heheheheheh, oh the look on his face! Hahahahaha, he probably thought I didn't pay for the reservations, either! Hahahaha, oh he's going to be pissed until he gets there.

Heheheh, I am evil...

...And so damned self-sacrificing... Tenten's pretty cute... Not to mention kind and smart, with such a great personality... And I'm giving up any chances of being with her to... To Neji. That self-righteous prick. Ugh... I'm a bloody masochist, aren't I...

As I sat atop a nearby building sighing, watching the restaurant in question, I felt..

"Heh, you're a real piece'a work, aren't you?" A decidedly feminine voice asked, from directly behind me. Hmm.. Familiar.

"...I have no idea what you're talking about, Anko." Damnit, why is she...

"You know exactly what I'm talking about... And I don't know how you do it. You ignore your own feelings for that girl and placed hers above your own. That's not something many people could do."

I turned and looked upon her smiling face, idly wanting to smack her. "Yeah, yeah, don't patronise me. I did my good deed for the day, now sod off and let me sulk in peace, ne?"

Instead of pissing her off like I had intended, thus making her storm off in a huff, she merely quirked an eyebrow. "Not until I know you aren't going to spend the rest of the day sighing. Now c'mon, you look like you could use a drink." She took my hand, pulling me up, and dragging me off to corrupt me.

...I wish I could say I had the willpower to resist.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Onward she lead me, before we encountered a soon-to-be-common sight. Naruto and Hinata walking out of the training fields hand-in-hand, both of them looking exhausted and sweaty, hair in disarray. Huh.

Oddly enough... They were not moving in the direction of the Hyuuga estate. No...

They were headed straight towards Naruto's apartment.

Guess things went better than I'd predicted.

Anko smirked, giving me a knowing look. "Guess you've been playing matchmaker all day, hm? Those two have been dancing around each other ever since the exams... Guess you gave them a kick in the ass."

"Well... I can't deny that I had a hand in things, but the rest is up to your imagination. And I think I'll need to turn that drink into three." My smirk didn't go unnoticed, that's for sure.

Well... She dragged me all the way back to her own apartment, pushing me inside and pulling the door shut tight. For some reason... This... Felt natural. Normal... As if I was used to going to a friend's house simply to drink my sorrows away... To take comfort in the arms of a woman, and the embrace of a bottle.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Her apartment wasn't much different from Naruto's, that's for sure. A few empty beer cans and adult magazines strewn about hither thither, but it wasn't a squandry. Lived-in... As she pushed me onto a beat-up couch, she wandered into a nearby kitchen.

"Don't go running off, now," She mocked, swaying her hips as she went. Right... Like I was going to run away from some good drink and a pretty woman. Especially a curvy specimin such as her... Wonder just what she's got in mind...

She came back into the living area carrying two bottles in one hand, and a pair of tumblers in the other. She placed them upon a coffee table set in front of the couch, before flopping down and kicking her feet up.

"So, ready to be corrupted?" Her grin was more wicked than any I've.. Wait, what am I saying? Of course it wasn't! I'm the KING of macabre expressions!

"Whatever you say, nymph of Dionysus."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Three hours later...**

**[Cue Music; Cut Dem, by Skindred, Union Black]**

"Ahh, and, and then he... Heeeeheeheehee! He juss tripped, fell face-first in a pile'a dogshit!"

"Ahahahahaha! What a maroon! S'almost as good's the time we.. Y'know, me, Naru and pinky, we snuck up an' drew on his face, right after he passed out... An' then he tried flirtin' wit the future Mizukage, tha dork. Heheheheheh, bloody git had a dick on each cheek, an' a goatee, too! She laughed her purty ass right off! First time I ever saw that grown-ass man cry!"

"Haaahahahahahahahaa! That dumbass!" Her tinted cheeks caught the last rays of sunlight filtering in from the window, lighting up her beautiful features in such a magnificent way...

"Yer starin' again... What, you comparin' me to the purty ass y'saw in Kiri?" Uh-oh... Her voice took on that same jealous tone that mean impending violence.

"Nah, there's no compar'son bet'een the two'a ya."

"Oh?" That eyebrow was'a goin' skyward again...

"Not a'tall." Time for drastic measures!

Even with my drunk-logic an' iffy depth perception, I was more than able to accomplish said task.

I reach over and around 'er, pulling her ont' my lap, placing a rather less-than-drunk kiss upon her wondrous lips, beaming as her blush deepened.

"Y'see? No compar'son." Though I was expecting anything EXCEPT what she struck me with in return.

The lass siezed my head, crashing her lips against my own, snakin' that lovely tongue of hers in to mingle with m'own...

...I dunno how long we kept that up, but by the end we was both panting, glassy-eyed.

"Huuh...Heh.. Heheh... I told ya... No compar'son." She lightly slapped my arm, that coy smirk once again making my alky-fueled lust skyrocket int' the red zone.

"Smartass... C'mere..."

...And so began our makeouts, and damn; she knew how to use that tongue of hers.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Mmm... Mmnm... Ah, yeah... You're pretty good... Puts Kakashi to shame..." She was still playing coy, her body both resisting and flowing at the same time... Just like a snake.

"Mm... Just wait 'til I'm sober..." Quite suddenly, she stopped, frozen in place. Just like a car hitting concrete at eighty, as unforgiving as the steel in her voice.

"...Do you mean that?" ...Huh? For...Some reason, she didn't sound hurt... Nor offended... Just...

"Hm...? Yea... what makes ya think otherwise...?" Just as suddenly as she'd stopped, she started back up, slowly, sensually wrapping her arms around me... Tight, warm, and oh so welcoming...

"...Nothing at all... Just..." She pulled back once more... Leaning back, letting her ever-present trench coat slip, falling free of her shoulders, pooling on the floor at my feet.

"...Hold me... And don't let go... Not until sunrise..."

"...As you wish."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...Though I can't remember much of that night... I know that it was the best I've spent in years. I don't know if she had first thought of it as just drunken sex, but... Somehow it changed before it even began... And became love.

I guess... I felt a connection to her, being an outcast amongst strangers. Or we were just kindred spirits... I'm not sure. But it didn't end that night... And I kept my word. I held her in my arms that night, and didn't let go...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**"I ask, sir, what is the militia? It is the whole people, except for a few public officials." **_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~  
**_  
"To disarm the people is the best and most effectual way to enslave them."  
-George Mason


	27. Chapter 27 Valentine's Day Special!

**Naruto; What If**

**Third Arc; Chuunin Exams**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 27 - Valentine's Day Special!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Uugh..." Oh, Kami... My head... Ow... Ugh... Feels like... Like something just crawled inside my head and died... Owowowowow...

I opened my eyes, blinking back the bright sunlight coming in from the window...

Man... Where am I...

Oh. Shit. I just realised... I'm not in my bed. This is not my room. Ohhhh, crap.

I made to sit up, probably a mistake, given my splitting headache, but it was a mistake regardless. I couldn't. There was something heavy laying on my chest...

Scratch that, some_one _heavy laying on my chest. I looked down, and found a head full of purple hair... Awwww, sheee-it.

'_I am so screwed..._'

Here I am, lying in Anko's bed, with her on top of me, _bare-ass naked,_ and my memories of last night are real fuzzy after that fourth glass of alchohol. Not good.

...Suddenly, Anko stirred, shifting her body in search of warmth...

Under the sheets,(I noticed the covers had been tossed off the bed and across the room sometime during last night's festivities) she pulled herself further on top of me, throwing a leg over my own, nuzzling her cheek against my neck. Very not good.

Y'know... This would be _so_ hot right now, if not for my impending doom, and bloody hangover. But... Ahh... What am I to do about this...

...

First off...

I built up a decent amount of chakra, forcing it to move throughout my body... When it cycled through my head, the pain lessened considerably. Just gotta keep the levels low so as not to wake up Anko...

Hmm...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Mmm... Hmmn...?" Ahh... Ow... Yet another hangover... Doesn't hurt all that much... Guess I'm getting a little too used to 'em by now...

For some reason, I shivered, my body feeling chilly. Ah.. Why's it so cold...

Oh... Right... Bed's empty 'cept for me... And the covers are way over there... An' Sasuke-kun's not here to warm me up... Aww...

...

Wait... Hold that thought. Sasuke's... Not...

...Here.

I sat up, feeling like a cheap slut... He'd got me drunk, fucked me silly, and left before I even woke up.

He's just like all the others... Used me and threw me away... And after all that bullshit he fed me last night about being different...

_'That dickless son of a...!'_

Before I could continue that trail of thought, something caught my attention. I sniffed again, and caught the scent of... Eggs... Bacon... Sausage... Mmm... Smells good, too...

...Huh? Now that I think about it... I can hear something frying...

Is he...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I yawned again, shifting the omelettes around and flipping them, so they wouldn't burn and stick to the skillet. Man... Now that I look at the clock, it's a bit late for breakfast...

...Still... Maybe a home-cooked meal will keep her from immediately gutting me when she wakes up... From the looks of things, she hasn't made herself breakfast in ages.

...Ulp. I just hope she'll have the decency to eat first before killing me, after I put all the hard work into making all this. Man, I'm just glad she didn't wake up while I was out getting the stuff...

'Cuz THAT woulda been bad. Heheh, hell of a misunderstanding. Come back with supplies for breakfast, only for her to kill me on her doorstep, then find the bag of groceries in my hand. Man, she'd've probably killed herself out of sheer guilt for that.

...Best to not think of that subject for now. Yeah, think positive. Maybe she'll call me back into bed right after breakfast!

...And maybe the moon is made of cheese. Ah, well... Judging from how raw my wang feels, it was a great night. Sucks balls I can't remember most of it. Speaking of which...

...They feel especially light this morning. Still slightly sore, too. Heheh, she got the nickname bedsnake for a reason.

"Oh... There you are. I was worried for a minute there." Her voice called from a few feet behind me, the doorway to her bedroom.

I turned, smiling, struggling to keep my gaze at eye-level. "Ah, morning, Anko. You hungry?" Ho-ly shit. Sh-she was.. W-was...

...Ulp. Wearing nothing but a sheet wrapped around her torso... Leaving oh so little to the imagination...

She smiled, looking drop-dead gorgeous with her hair down like that... Even if she did have a case of bedhead. "Yeah. Thanks." I turned back to the stove, trying to remember not to burn my peace offering.

"S'nothing. The least I could do for, ah, imposing on you. Say, how do you like your eggs? I've got omelettes made already, ham and cheese baked in. If you don't like your bacon crispy, speak now or deal with the crunchy kind."

"Omelettes are fine, thanks. And I prefer crispy bacon." Oh? We-heh-hell, we have that in common.

"You got it. It'll be done in thirty seconds." I flipped the bacon once more, and scraped the four omelettes out dropping two each on a plate.

"Have you made coffee?" She asked from her place, sitting on the selfsame couch where our... Ordeal started. I saw one of the bottles in question on the coffee table, completely empty.

"Yep, hot'n ready. Mugs are right next to the pot." I had set them there after turning on the coffeemaker, since I figured she was not a morning person.

"Great." I heard her get up, padding across the room before filling up and taking a drag of the thick black liquid.

"Ahh... Much better."

"Not much of a morning person, hmm?" I scraped up the bacon, divvying it between the two plates evenly, shutting off the burners. I lifted the plates, turning, carrying them over to that beat-up couch and setting them down. The sausage had already finished earlier, and was cooling off on the plates while the bacon and eggs finished.

I went back into the kitchen while she sat down, continuing my search for cutlery. Ah... Now where... Aha. I found the correct drawer, and pulled out the necessary items, returning to the couch and taking a seat.

She took the proffered silverware, placing one of the plates in her lap, chowing down as I did the same.

We ate in silence... Both of us ignoring the elephant in the room.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**[Cue music; Roses on My Grave, by Papa Roach]**

After we'd finished gulping down breakfast and two mugs each, we were both just kindof... Sitting there. Vegetating.

"Thanks for breakfast."

"S'nothing."

...

... "Ah, fuck it. Look, do you wanna talk about this, or should I just grab my things and pretend it never happened?" ...Because subtlety is not my strong suit. Neither is dealing with awkward situations. Plus all I had on were my pants. That's it.

For the second time... I saw Anko Mitarashi look sheepish. "Umm... I... Don't know. Would you rather just... Forget about it?"

I considered my words... Carefully. "...No, I wouldn't. But I'll leave that decision to you... If you want me to just go away." Her call, now...

"...No. You're the first who didn't disappear first thing in the morning. Why... Didn't you?" For some reason... Her voice sounded almost hollow.

"...Because you asked me to hold you until sunrise. I'm sorry if I scared you when you woke up alone, but... Well. I thought you'd be angry, and I was hoping you would hesitate to kill me if I cooked you breakfast."

"Heh... Heheh, heheheheheheheh... I don't know if I should thank you or smack you for being so honest. But you're the first to cook for me without intending to get me in bed because of it." She was smiling again... Those chocolate orbs sparkling in the sunlight...

I put my arm around her shoulders, pulling her against me. "I meant what I said before. I'll always be here for you, no matter what."

"...Thank you. And I... I want this. But it won't be easy... The civillian council and likely the shinobi council will do everything in their power to make our lives hell if we try."

...I felt my inner rebel taking over, forcing my eyebrow skyward. "Oh? Whattaya mean if? Neither council has any say over the private affairs of shinobi, and the Hokage wouldn't try to split up a couple out of spite. If you'd rather we not make it public, that's for you to decide. I'll go with whatever you have in mind, Anko." I smiled, trying for reassuring, probably landing on lecherous or perverted.

...I was pressed up against a damned-near naked Anko, after all.

"That's probably for the best. Thanks, Sasuke." She planted a chaste kiss on my lips, giving my shoulders a light squeeze as I returned the favor and stood.

"I've got things to get done today, so I'd better get started... Thank you for a wonderful evening, Anko." As I turned to get my shirt and gear, Anko called after me,

"Ah, wait!" I stopped, turning back, brimming with curiosity and hopeful intentions. "Yes?"

"Would you, ah, care to stay for awhile? Y'know, for coffee?"

...For some strange, unknown reason, I saw a lotta logic in that.

"...Yeah, preparations can wait an hour... Or several." We both smiled as she stood, taking my hand and pulling me towards the bedroom...

...Letting that sheet fall in the process. Oh-ho... That ass must'a given Kami a boner when he sculpted it

"Heh, guess the moon is made of cheese after all."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**From Naruto's POV**

I woke up with a yawn, rolling over to get comfortable, snuggling up against my snoozing Hina-chan as I did so.

Ahh... She smelled so nice... Lilacs, I think... And here she was, lying in my bed, nuzzling my chest in her sleep...

...With several of her, ah, undergarments strewn about the room. Her bra was hanging from the ceiling fan, and I think those're her panties suspended from the doorknob... Not to mention her... Assets, pressing against my chest. I'm pretty sure hers are bigger than most of the adults'.

Heh. Heheh. Oh, if only that uptight Neji could only see her now! Haha, he'd have a stroke, an aneurysm and a heart attack all at the same time! Oh, and if he knew the kinds of things we did last night...

...I'm pretty sure he would try to kill me. Oh well, totally worth it. Then again, Hiashi's gonna try that anyway once he finds out.

Hmm... Maybe not... When I went to visit Hina-chan at the hospital... Her father was... Crying, begging for her forgiveness... Really wierded me out. Strangest thing... The moment he saw me, he straightened up, wiped his eyes and walked out...

Man. What a wierd family. But they're entirely worth dealing with if I can spend time with Hina-chan... Ah, speaking of which...

She stirred, snuggling against me again. "Mm... Morning, Naruto-kun..."

"Morning, Hina-chan. Sleep well?" She was so pretty like that... Eyes lidded, that sleepy smile...

"Mmhm... Like a rock. You wore me out last night, Naruto-kun." Ah... Whoops.

"Sorry... It was my first time, and..." ...There I go again... Putting my foot in my mouth. Somehow, I just can't seem to find a way with words like jii-san, or sensei or even Sasuke... Lucky bastard... But then again... Seeing as I'm the one with cute, kind Hinata lying in my bed...

"It's fine... I had a really great time. But, ano... I think I'll need some help getting around. I still can't quite feel my legs."

...

"...Hm? Ano... Little Naruto-kun is very energetic today." ...Oops. Her expression... Such a cute, coy little smirk.

"Eheheh, sorry..." She smiled once more.

"Don't be. How could I be offended by such a... Big, compliment?" Whoa!

"Oh? It is moving on its own again. So, Naruto-kun? Do you want to... Continue from where we left off?"

I couldn't hold back the grin of pure joy that stretched from ear-to-ear. Must be my lucky day. "Definately, dattebayo." She pulled herself forward, bringing her lips to mine as I embraced the love of my life... Just as she moved one of her hands beneath the covers, grasping a fairly intimate part of my anatomy. I can't for the life of me remember why I had ever put off asking her out... Nor why I ever liked what's-her-face...

_'...I am the luckiest man alive...'_

_'...I am the luckiest girl alive...'_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**With Jiraiya, legendary Gama Sennin and Sannin...**

"Ah, AH-CHOO!" I rubbed my itchy nose, wondering just who was talking about me now...

Wait...

Pervert senses... Tingling...

I sense... That my student... Is getting some! Again! Without me to document it! Damn, that kid must have been born with a horseshoe up his ass! I was never that lucky at his age... And If I recall... The girl he should be with right about now is Hinata Hyuuga...

Huh. Kid's got good taste if nothing else. I wonder who had a hand in that... 'Cuz there's no way in hell he would've had the guts to go up and ask her out. Hell... That gaki wouldn't even have the common sense to notice that she likes him, from what I've seen.

Hmm... I smell a rat. One with hair like a duck's ass. He probably pushed those two together... Wouldn't surprise me.

...The kid kinda reminds me of Sakumo... Always going out of his way to help his friends.

I muttered a short prayer for my deceased comrade, idly wondering how his son was now doing...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**With Kakashi...**

"AH-CHOO!" Tsume woke with a start, turning to look at me as I rubbed my nose. Someone was talking about me...

...And they likely weren't saying nice things.

"Hm...? Something wrong, Kakashi?" She sat up, the sheets falling away to reveal her magnificent breasts...

"No... Just someone talking about me." She smiled, her normally feral, intimidating features replaced with this kinder, softer side she only showed in bed...

"...Not nice things, I take it. Speaking of which... Is Anko still angry with you?" Tsume was fully aware of the entire situation. It was rather difficult to hide things from a Jounin, especially one who can smell the hormones on one's body.

"She isn't speaking to me... So I would assume so. Although... She's been spending more and more time with one of my students as of late. It's cause for concern when those two get together... He has helped her in many of her little acts of 'revenge.' Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned..." Tsume's brow quirked, just as she leaned over,wrapping her arms around me...

"Oh... Poor boy. But you don't have to worry about that with me... If I find you've been unfaithful, you'll wake up without testicles." ...For some reason, her reassuring tone was anything but.

...Then again, considering the things we were just about to do, I can't really complain...

"...Heh, guess the moon really is made of cheese..."

"...The fuck is that supposed to mean?" I chuckled, pulling her against me.

"It's a long story..."

Quite suddenly, I felt something slithering between my legs...

"...Tsume, was that you?"

"...I wish I could say it was..." It was rough... And it felt like...

...Scales... Oh, shit.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**__**  
**__**  
HAPPY EARLY VALENTINE'S DAY!**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"To disarm the people is the best and most effectual way to enslave them."  
-George Mason

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_


	28. Chapter 28 Road Trip! Part 1

**Naruto; What If**

**Fourth Arc; Road Trip!**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 28 - Road Trip! Part 1

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Two days later... Thursday**

I heard just awhile ago... Kakashi is in the hospital. Today he had called me to meet him at a sweets shop, for training purposes. I was late to that meeting...(Anko was involved. That's all I'm saying) Kakashi was gone when I arrived, but neither Itachi nor Kisame were there... And I had no idea where their fight took place.

So I had to count on him being skilled enough not to die. Regardless...

I was heading for the hospital to check on him, before heading back home to grab my things.

Today was the day we set out to find Tsunade.

But first things first...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I walked into Kakashi's room, seeing him lying down with Asuma and Kurenai in the room, worried looks on their faces.

"Oy, how's scarecrow doing?"

Both Jounin relaxed when they saw it was me.

"Not good. He lapsed into a coma and none of the medics know how to help him..."

I moved closer, focusing chakra in my eyes. Time to put on a show.

"A coma? What, did he find out they cancelled the Icha Icha series? Or did he finally bite off more than he could chew with Tsume?"

...Both Jounin shared an apprehensive look.

"...Before you even consider lying to me, would you please just tell the truth?"

"...I'm sorry, but we can't do that." Asuma proffered, trying to sound concerned and apologetic. Trying is the keyword.

"Uh-huh... Judging from his skewed chakra system, he was attacked by an extremely powerful genjutsu user... One who possesses a sharingan. Now.. That really shortens the list, doesn't it? You fought Itachi Uchiha and lived to tell the tale. Impressive." I turned, observing their expressions...

Asuma took a step back, shock evident in his expression. "How..."

"Easily. I recognise my brother's handiwork, and only three people possess the Tsukyomi, including Itachi."

"Tsukyomi... What's that? Some kind of genjutsu?" Kurenai asked, her piercing red eyes drilling into my own...

"It is a mutation of the sharingan that only materializes in roughly one out of three hundred; a genjutsu that alters one's perception of time through eye contact. Kakashi is suffering from extreme mental exhaustion. That's about the extent of my knowledge, I'm sorry to say. Hm... I suppose I'd best be going. Hopefully Lady Tsunade can better help Kakashi-sensei once my team has convinced her to return." I bowed, making a hasty exit, stage left.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Hmm... Ahh... Anything else that needs to be done...

Hm. Jiraiya had a look at Gaara's seal at my request the day after the invasion, when the Hokage met with representatives from Suna, who confirmed the Kazekage's death. After that, I sicced Naruto on Gaara to improve relations between the villages, and prevent the redhead from becoming psychotic later on.

I think they became fast friends... I think.

I've also made a new resolution; no more than two glasses of alchohol in any given sitting. This adolescent body is NOT used to the effects of alchohol. All those damn hormones... Ugh, set my emotions on spin-cycle.

...But it wasn't all bad. Every night has been spent with Anko-chan, either at my home or hers. I'm surprised no one has picked up on us yet... I mean, this IS a ninja village, right?

Ah, well. Moving on.

I finally got back to my house, picking up my pack, Zabuza's zanbato, and my new sword.

Heheheh, it took awhile, but Tenten convinced the old weaponsmith to forge it for me, and hot damn! It was...

...Beautiful. Amazing, really. Felt like I had a real weapon again. But, I digress.

It was five feet in length, with a ten-inch leather-wrapped hilt, and a fifty-inch long, full tang, half-inch thick blade that was double-edged. The guard was integral to the tang, and the whole thing was finished off with a baked-on jet-black coating...

...It was enough to bring a tear to my eye. Ahem. Manly tear, I mean. Anyways... I sealed my old sword and the zanbato into a scroll, dropping it into one of my belt pouches. I'd probably bring it out again if I was up against multiple opponents or if I needed to arm an ally... But Headchopper... No. That was for today's events. Should prove useful.

I've gotten stronger, which is good; now I can actually use the damned thing, though not to the extent Zabuza could. That guy was a monster... His physical strength outmatched Kakashi's. Hmm... He should show up here sometime after Tsunade becomes Hokage... Not sure when, though. Doesn't matter.

I'll make sure things go smoothly, one way or another. That's my job now, I suppose...

I'd been walking for awhile, and finally came upon the east gate. I found Naruto and Jiraiya standing there, waiting for me.

"Yo, guys. Ready to go?" Jiraiya turned, smirking, whereas Naruto grinned.

"Already kissed Hina-chan goodbye, so let's get going Sasuke, hentai-sennin." Jiraiya's eye twitched.

"I thought I told you to stop calling me that, gaki!" The big man growled, sounding extremely annoyed. Probably because of how accurate the description was.

"Heh, but if the insulting nickname fits..." Both Naruto and I began chuckling, remembering a similar conversation going just like this sometime before...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Four hours of walking later...**

We arrived at the hotel-town, the place Jiraiya wanted us to stop at for the night. We were just checking into the hotel, when a busty beauty caught Jiraiya's eye...

"Whoa! Well, now... You boys go up and work on chakra control, here's the key. I'll be up in a few hours..." ...As if he'd last that long. I rolled my eyes, activating my dojutsu.

I grabbed the Sannin's sleeve before he could run off.

"Oy... She's under a genjutsu. I smell a trap... Be careful, Jiraiya." The old lecher's expression hitched for a moment, but the look in his eyes changed.

"Hm... Alright. You two watch out and signal me if something comes up. I'll keep an eye out for anything unusual." He started off, though now he was actively looking around at the same time.. Hmph. Pervert.

I turned, swinging the roomkey by the ring, walking with naruto towards the elevator.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Up we went, until we got to our floor, then our room. Inside was... Spartan, but liveable.

"Agh, that pervert... Going off to chat up some girl instead of training us..."

I caught hold of Naruto's shoulder. "Yeah, but something's up; that woman was under a genjutsu. Prepare for an attack, plan Tera." His cerulean eyes widened, but he tossed off his pack, going through the equipment he had on him.

I pulled out my sword-scroll, opening it and unsealing Zabuza's blade...

Taking it in hand, I dropped the scroll on the closest bed, hefting the weight in my hands.

"Whoa! What're you gonna do with that thing?!" I grinned.

"Scare someone off with it." Within moments, as if on cue, there was a knock at our door.

"Ah.. Speak of the devil. Naruto, stay back and be careful." Reactivating my dojutsu, I glared hard at the door...

I could make out an unknown chakra signature, definately not Jiraiya's... But it was strong, and familiar.

I smiled, strolling over to the door, raising the weapon in my hands. "Be right there!"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**[Cue Music; Midnight Hands, by Rise Against, Endgame]**

I swung, splitting the wooden door into splinters... As I stepped through the wreckage, I called, "Heya, Bro. Long time no see." He had obviously dodged it, but judging by his expression and wide eyes, he had not expected that...

"...Sasuke. So you knew." I rolled my eyes.

"Of course. You're painfully easy to read to me, brother. Ah, hello, Kisame. Say, do you recognise this blade?" Fish-face was a few feet behind Itachi, looking amused as ever.

"Ah, so you know my name, too? And you have Zabuza's sword? So you're the one who collected his bounty. Well... Guess your little brother is stronger than you'd first thought, eh, Itachi?"

"Indeed... So, Sasuke, you're here to kill me and avenge our clan, aren't you?"

I quirked an eyebrow, staring at him. "No, brother, I am not. I know the truth, brother... And I came here to speak with you." I looked him in the eye, idly hoping this gambit would pay off...

I stopped the flow of chakra through my eyes, deactivating my sharingan, still staring Itachi dead in the eye.

...His eyes changed... And I soon found myself enveloped in darkness...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

When I opened my eyes again... All around me, was the Uchiha compound, but the color was... Off.

In front of me, stood Itachi Uchiha... Killer... Traitor... Brother. I felt a strange connection to him... I suppose it's my, Sasuke's, emotions.

"...It's good to see you again, brother." I smiled, looking him in the eye.

"Yes... But how much do you know?" His tone changed... It was empathetic, kind, and... Sad.

"Everything. From Konoha's suspicion of the Uchiha, to the coup de'tat, to your involvement, to Danzo's corruption. You were never a traitor... You were a scapegoat. As Shisui once said... A true shinobi protects justice from within its shadow. I owe you my life twice over, and I intend to do all I can to repay that debt."

His expression softened. "You've changed, dear brother... It makes me happy to see that you've grown so much. I am sorry that I have been unable to be there for you as I should."

"No... You've done more than anyone else in service of the village. You've lived only for the sake of others... Even when you're dying. Don't bother trying to hide it, brother; I knew from the moment I saw you."

A ghost of a smile appeared in his features, turning him into that kind older brother I faintly remember... "I never could hide anything from you, could I, Sasuke?"

"Not at all. You fooled me for a good while... Until I remembered seeing the tears you shed that night. Itachi... You've been overusing the mangekyo, haven't you?"

His eyes widened once more, before that sad smile came back. "...So you noticed that, too. You're too perceptive for your own good, dear brother. But you needn't worry for me; I'll be dead long before my eyesight leaves me."

"...I know. But I can't help worrying for my family, ne? You already know what Akatsuki is planning, don't you..?"

"Mmm... The end of free will as we know it."

"Will you stand against them? Konoha could use your strength once more, brother. I know that Obito is the one pulling the strings, intending to bring about war against all five great nations... And something to do with the tailed beasts."

His eyes widened once again, before he began to chuckle. "Sasuke... You are too smart for your own good. Yes, you are correct on all accounts. Now... I cannot return to the village, and you know it. There are too many variables to risk it. As to the tailed beasts... They intend to resurrect the ten-tailed Juubi, making Tobi, or Obito, its jinchuuriki. From there, he intends to cast an infinate Tsukyomi, using the moon."

"Huh. Standard megalowmaniacal stuff, then. Takeover the world or destroy it. Right, he needs to be dealt with eventually... Hm. You're here to take Naruto, aren't you?"

...He was silent for a few moments. "...I was."

"I won't allow you to take him. He is my friend, and I will fight to the death to protect him." He smiled once more, taking on that caring older brother look.

"I'm proud of you, Sasuke. I'll do what I can to run interference with Akatsuki from within." I returned his smile, already forming a plan.

"Thank you. Also... Would you be able to send information to the Hokage or to Jiraiya concerning the strengths and weaknesses of the various other members of Akatsuki? Most anything would be useful." He smiled even wider.

"I can do one better than that, brother." He raised his arm, placing his hand on my forehead...

...I could see it. Things.. Information... Dates... Plans... Contingencies... Bank accounts... Memories being absorbed into my mind...

...And then it ended, quite abruptly. I blinked, mentally cataloging everything I just learned. "Whoa. Yeah. That is better. Thanks."

He inclined his head, before that spectre of a smile returned. "So... You're together with Anko Mitarashi, now..." Aww, crap.

I blinked. "Erm... Well. Ahem. Yes, I am. Though for that first time, tequila was involved, I'll have you know. She enjoys spending time with me, and I appreciate her company. And not just in bed, before you can jump to conclusions." He shook his head, still smirking.

"Oh, I've nothing against her, nor your relationship. I merely want to offer you a piece of brotherly advice; as the Naras say, women are troublesome, but almost always worth the headache." I quirked an eyebrow.

"You speak from experience, I take it. I don't suppose you've gained some papercuts in any... Intimate areas recently, hm?" For the first time, I saw Itachi Uchiha blush.

"That is... None of your business, little brother." I grinned.

"I'll take that as a yes, brother-dearest. So... What are we to do about Kisame? From what I gather, he is one of the few Akatsuki members with pure intentions, who knows Tobi's actual plan. His death might give you more elbow room." Itachi looked thoughtful...

"It might... And this would be a perfect opportunity, as success against one of the Sannin is nearly impossible for either of us."

"Ah, before I forget. Are there any other means of awakening the mangekyo, aside from killing a close friend?" He blinked.

"...It is possible. Threat of impending death is a common trigger... Extreme guilt or emotional stress would likely activate it. There are few who were able to awaken it through extensive training, as well." Well... That's better than nothing.

He suddenly looked up, and said, "Our time is running out... I will deal with Kisame. Ensure that you stay out of the way." I nodded.

...And everything went dark once more...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**[Cue music; You Can't Stop It, by Skindred, Shark Bites and Dog Fights]**

When I opened my eyes, I immediately reactivated my sharingan, turning to glance at Kisame. He looked surprised, then apprehensive as Itachi, too, turned to stare at fish-face.

"Hm...? Itachi? Why's the kid still-" He didn't get to finish. My brother vanished, appearing behind the tall blue man with a katana held over his head.

Whoa... Kisame was pretty skilled, considering. He blocked Itachi's swing, turning himself around at the same time.

"What the hell?! What are you doing?!" Hmm... Perfect opportunity.

I shunshined, drawing my new blade in the same movement. I'm not going to give this guy the chance to escape.

Quick as I could, I surged my chakra, swinging low with my trademark technique...

Whoa. I blinked.

He deftly avoided both of us, hopping over me, just as I turned and countered his swing.

"Gah! Three sharingan-users in the same day?! I'm not paid enough for this shit... Itachi! Why are you attacking me?!"

"Because Sasuke has reminded me of my reason for living... I'm sorry, Kisame. I enjoyed working with you, but my goals are different from yours." Shark-man's eyes narrowed, but he was looking more for an escape route, rather than a way to win. He knew that in a prolonged battle against two sharingans, he would lose.

Ah... But Naruto joined the fight at a perfect opportunity.

"Leave my friend alone you fish-faced freak!" He jumped swinging, using one of MY swords, just in time for the former Mist-nin to turn and block, attempting to shred Naruto to pieces with his bandaged blade...

"Gah! What the fuck?!" He dropped Sharkskin, his hand bleeding... Its hilt had several sharp blades sticking out, coated in blood.

"Huh? What the..." Naruto was shocked, as the massive blade seemed to be dragging itself closer to him...

"Heh... Heheh... Hehehehehahahahahahaaa!" I laughed my ass off, finding this exceptionally funny for some reason. His own sword betrayed him, prefering Naruto's chakra to his own. Heh, cuckold.

The tall man was in shock, but not for long. In the moment his attention was elsewhere, Itachi was next to him, swinging his katana.

...Oddly enough, fish-boy's blood was red. Surprised me.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Man... Why's this thing..." Naruto was still puzzled by the bandaged sword that seemed to be trying to get closer to him.

I patted Naruto on the shoulder. "That, my friend, is Samehada, the Sharkskin. It's one of the seven blades of Kiri, and the only one that chooses its wielder. It feeds on chakra, and is rather picky about its host. I guess it likes the taste of your chakra, ne?" I grinned, looking over the weapon at the same time...

Kisame's chakra was no longer within the weapon, so he hadn't escaped the same way he had in the canon.

Itatchi turned, walking away. "It was good to see you again, Sasuke, and a pleasure to meet you, Naruto-kun."

Naruto looked at me. "Uhh... Was that..."

"My brother, the famous missing-nin? Yes. It's a long and boring story, but suffice to say he's on our side."

"...Huh." I raised an eyebrow. "That's all you've got to say?"

"Pretty much. Huh."

...Well said.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

A few minutes after Itachi left, Jiraiya showed up, carrying the passed-out woman on his shoulder.

The moment I saw him, I shouted, "What took ya so long?! Were you fondling that woman in her sleep?!"

...Thus causing Naruto to bust out laughing, and Jiraiya to face-fault. Heheh.

When he got over to us, now decidedly pissed, he immediately perked up upon seeing Kisame's body.

"What happened?"

"While you were off womanising, Itachi and Kisame attacked us. Itachi isn't a traitor, and I convinced him to help us out more openly. It's thanks to Naruto that the fight didn't take long, since it turns out Samehada likes him better than fish-face. Itachi also relayed a wealth of information on Akatsuki to me, which I'm going to catalog and transcribe for you during our search for Tsunade."

The big man blinked. "...Well, aren't you just our lucky charm, huh?"

I shrugged. "Naruto's the one with a horseshoe up his ass. I'm just the cherry on top. Now, can we get moving, please? The inn owner isn't going to be pleased with the smashed door."

"...Sasuke, did you really have to go and smash your way through it? Now we're gonna have to walk for hours..."

...Punk.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**__**  
**_  
"To disarm the people is the best and most effectual way to enslave them."  
-George Mason

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_


	29. Chapter 29 Road Trip! Part 2

**Naruto; What If**

**Fourth Arc; Road Trip!**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 29 - Road Trip! Part 2

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**WAAAAHOOOOOOOOO!**_

_**10,000 VIEWS! YESSAH! **_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We gethered our possessions and left, Jiraiya dropping the girl in our room with a note tucked between her breasts. On our way out the door, Jiraiya caught up with us and gave me a hard stare that practically screamed '_You WILL tell me what I want to know._'

I happily stuck my tongue out at him. Heheh.

He'd sealed Kisame's body into a scroll for study at a later date, probably so he might learn a little more about Akatsuki.

On our way down the road, Naruto grilled me about why, and how, my brother the mass-murderering traitor, was on our side.

"What the fuck? Just what the fucking fuck?" He still had Samehada with him. The giant sword had followed Naruto like a lost puppy, so he'd slung the thing over his shoulder, grumbling at the extra weight.

"The entire thing was a set-up. He was ordered to slaughter every Uchiha to prevent a civil war, and then flee the village as a missing-nin. From then on, he joined Akatsuki to keep tabs on them. His orders were to kidnap you, so as to remove the demon within you. I had a nice chat with him... And he decided to help us more openly. With his partner dead, he will have much more leeway in how he spends his time." I summed all that up, wrapping it in a pretty pink bow just for them.

"...How did you find out he was under orders?" The old pervert sniped, pointing out the great gaping hole in my story.

"Very fucking carefully. There's a helluva lotta things people hide amongst tax forms, y'know... And I know my brother. If there is one trait he is an avatar of, it is loyalty. If not that, then discipline. He would never betray the village he loved so dearly, not even if he lost all reason."

"...I expect to hear a damned good explanation later." I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, pervert. So when are you going to get down to training us?" Naruto perked up, flashing a hopeful look at the white-haired old man...

Jiraiya sighed, looking between the two of us. "You're both as bad as Minato was way back when..."

Naruto and I shared a look, thinking the same exact thing.

'_And this guy's as lazy and perverted as he was thirty years ago..._'

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

A good two hours later, we were in a different town... One with a festival going on. Heh, kinda reminds me of...

...Of... Aw, fuckit. Can't remember now. Damnit.

"SWEET! And here I brought gama-chan just in case!" Naruto had out his treasured frog wallet, gently caressing his cheek with it. Heh, wierdo... But he's my wierdo, so I suppose that's guilt by association.

"Naruto! Don't you know about the three vices? Here, let me hold onto that for you." The old perv was reaching to take Naruto's wallet when I quickly intervened, stomping the old man's toes.

"YEEOWCH! What the hell?!" He glowered at me, hopping on his good foot, crdling his injured one.

"Serves you right, ya cheapskating perv. I catch you trying to steal Naruto's money again, and I'll stomp you where it'll _really_ hurt. And if I don't catch it in time, I'll tell Tsunade. Now sod off, we'll come find you in an hour or two." I started off, still disgusted by that old prick wanting to steal a kid's money; worse, his own godchild's! And the perv is filthy rich! I'd've kicked his balls in for that shit!

Naruto shrugged, eyeing the hopping Sannin with disfavor, following behind me, shaking his head. The old sage grumbled and went off on his own to get drunk and laid.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Still can't believe the nerve of that whoreson piece of shit..." My throw was a tad harder than intended, punching clean through the foam target and hitting the wall on the other side of the booth.

Naruto shook his head, pulling back and matching my throw, right through the same hole. "How'd you know he was trying to take my money, anyway?"

I picked up my next shot. "From the perverted gleam in his eye when he stared at your wallet. He was probably going to spend it on a hooker... Or ten. Now he'll have to spend his own damn money, the cheapskate."

"Huh. Maybe he doesn't have much." Naruto's next round was as good as the first, matching my score.

"Bullshit. He's a Sannin, and the author of those Icha Icha novels you see everywhere. The guy's got more money than he knows what to do with, he's just real cheap with it. Anytime he can get away with it, he'll avoid spending however he can."

"Huh. Wonder why..." I overshot again, punching a hole through the target and making a crack in the wood behind it.

"Dunno. Maybe he just likes rolling around in the stuff." He matched my throw again, and we both turned to face the cowering boot attendant.

"Yo, we'd like our prizes, please." He held up a trembling hand, pointing to several giant stuffed animals hanigng from hooks on the boot wall.

"Take 'em! J-just don't come back! Please!" ...Well, when you put it that way...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**[Cue music; One Hundred and Ten Percent(110%) by Skindred, Union Black]**

After an hour and forty minutes of dicking around and having fun, we made our way to the local high-class bar, just after Naruto picked up some fried squid on a stick...

Stepping through the flaps, we found Jiraiya lazing on a couch, a beautiful, buxom woman young enough to be his daughter on each arm. He was guffawing nice and loud, the girls giggling behind their hands, offering to refill his cup with sultry voices...

"Yo, hentai-sennin! Quit dicking around, it's time to get to our training. And come on, why can't you find a woman closer to your own age? Those girls are young enough to be your own children, for fuck's sake." The old man glared at me, just as Naruto turned to stare at me with a puzzled expression.

"Huh? Who're you to talk, Sasuke? You've been screwing around with Anko, and she's twice our age!" What... The... Fuck...?

Blinking back the sudden urge to facepalm, I stared at the blonde knucklehead.

"...And just when, nay, HOW did you figure this out?" I could feel my eye twitching involuntarily as Jiraiya giggled to himself, pulling out a notepad and pen.

"Me and Hina-chan came by your house when you didn't show up for our schedualed training session the other day, and you didn't answer when I knocked. Hina-chan peeked inside with her byakugan and said you and Anko were... Well she didn't say, but her face turned bright red so I assumed it was something perverted, and she suggested we not disturb the two of you. Then she asked if I wanted to go back home for awhile." He shrugged, as I heard a scribbling noise from the general direction of Jiraiya.

...So that's what those sounds were that morning. Whoops. I had been... A bit preoccupied at that point in time, and Anko was in no condition to notice it. She'd banged her noggin against the headboard one too many times over the course of that night.(Which, of course, flowed into the next day...)

"...And why is it you failed to mention this until just now?"

"That's not something I can bring up in normal conversation, though. It's not like I care about what you two do, it's just that you shouldn't use that arguement when you're sleeping with someone twice your age."

...Holy shit. I just got lectured, by Naruto of all people. Wow. I'm shocked.

"...Naruto, next time, could yo lecture me about my hypocritical ways AFTER I've guilt-tripped the pervert? Please?" He shrugged, which I took for a yes. Good enough.

...Though we were both brought out of our little tiff by the sound of a grown man giggling. I loked over at Jiraiya, who was grinning like mad, scribbling something down on that notepad of his...

He put away that pad, taking up his cup of sake, that stupid grin stretching from ear-to-ear.

"Yes! The next volume of Icha Icha will be my greatest work yet! I can see it now; forbidden love between teacher and student!" ...Why I outta...

I heard footsteps just outside the booth... Perfect timing.

Chakra flaring, I kicked the table between us out of the way, dashing right up the old perv and swiping the cup out of his hand and over my shoulder.

"Enough games, you overgrown brat! We aren't going to find your girlfriend by waiting on you to finish flirting with schoolgirls." I was rightly annoyed, not only because of his womanising ways, but for the way he'd've stolen from a kid, not to mention him preaching about the three vices with a hooker on each arm, a drink in each hand.

The girls had flinched away from Jiraiya, much to his chagrin. I think I just completely ruined any chance of him getting laid tonight.

Before either of us could retaliate or respond, there was a shout.

"HEY YOU BRAT!" ...I could feel my vision changing, my annoyance pulsing chakra through my eyes as I turned to glare at the idiots.

"...What?" The bald guy was the loudmouth, but he was fine. His buddy, however...

Had an empty sake cup on his head, and the entire front of his expensive suit jacket was soaked. Heheh, good look for him.

"YOU'VE RUINED AKOKI'S DESIGNER SUIT! YOU DAMN WELL BETTER PAY FOR IT!100,000!" I blinked.

Eh? "...So that's a hundred thousand ryo suit... Huh. Think you outta get your money back..." I drily commented, earning a chuckle from Naruto.

"UUOOOH! YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR MOUTH, BRAT! AKOKI IS A FORMER CHUUNIN OF THE STONE VILLAGE, AN INCREDIBLY SKILLED NINJA!" Eesh, guy never knows how to shut his mouth... Kinda reminds me of a few sluts I once knew. And... A former chuunin...? Of Iwagakure?

"Heheh, so he's the same as those punk-ass bitches we knocked around in the Chuunin exams? Well, tell me, mister Akoki... Are the shinobi of Stone Village named for the stones in their heads? Or for their getting stoned on sake whenever they've half a chance?"

The big-name bitch spoke for the first, and last, time... "You... You... I'LL KILL YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" He dashed forward, a kunai appearing in his hand... He was aiming for my neck, intent on tearing my head off.

With all the sluggish indifference of a tortoise munching on a twig, I casually shunshined behind him, planting a boot in his ass to send him sprawling at my feet as my hands came together in a familiar set of handseals...

***Pulft-CHIchichichichichichi!***

I could feel the pure energy coursing through my arm, congregating in the palm of my hand, the symphony of destruction ringing in my ears...

"...Too slow. Now, why don't I show you boys what a _real_ shinobi can do?"

"That's enough, Sasuke. You two," Jiraiya appeared between myself and the cowering Akoki, hand resting against my right forearm, before hooking a thumb at the exit. "Get the hell out of here and don't come back."

Loudmouth and buttface ran the hell out of there, while I sighed and cut the flow of chakra. "Hmph. Those two're gonna get themselves killed soon enough..."

"Both of you, go wait for me at the hotel. I'll meet you there in half an hour." He tossed his bag to Naruto, and headed for the bar, where the bartender was looking nonchalant as ever. Guess this happens a lot.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"...Sasuke, what's wrong? You've been snappy and pissed-off ever since we got here." Naruto frowned, his concerned gaze boring into my back.

I unlocked and opened our room door, walking inside. "Not sure. That old perv frustrates me with how immature he is, and especially with how he acts. Maybe... It's that I lost my family, and found that Itachi left for a reason. I can forgive him that, as he's doing his best to make up for what he was forced to do. But when I look at Jiraiya, and I know that he left you on your own for no reason whatsoever. He is only now helping because he's being forced to do what he chose not to do years ago."

"I get that, but he's helping now. That's what counts. He may be a perverted, hypcritical old man, but Kakashi-sensei said he's one of the strongest ninjas in the village, so he has to know what he's doing. He taught the F... My dad."

A third voice interrupted our heart-to-heart. "You two can stop talking about me, now."

We turned, sizing up the bag-bearing Sannin. Hm. So he went and got the water balloons.

"What's all that?" Naru asked, staring at the brown paper bags.

Jiraiya grinned ear-to-ear. "Training materials."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

He lead us out to a secluded area overlooking the town, setting down his burden.

"Alright, this is the technique I'm going to teach you both." He held out his hand as I activated my sharingan, observing as his chakra flowed and congregated, focused and swirled.

Soon, he held a visible maelstrom of chakra. "...The _Rasengan_. This is a technique created by your father, Naruto; an A-rank ninjutsu that requires no handseals, only chakra. It's based on mastery of spacial chakra manipulation. There are three steps to mastering it, the first of which," He reached down, pulling a water balloon out of one of the bags. "...Is to pop a water balloon with only chakra."

He tossed one to each of us, turning around and plopping down on the ground, leaning against a tree. "Well, what're you waiting for? Get started."

...Right.

"Uh, hentai-sennin? How're we supposed to...?" While he gabbed, I focused my chakra... Time to pull a Gary Oak.

Focus... Now... Swirl chakra through my right arm as normal, except now... I push it out of my hand, forcing it to swirl...

The balloon shifted, stretching flattening...

Good...

I placed my left hand on it, forcing the chakra in that arm to exit as well, swirling in a completely different direction... C'mon... C'mon...

*POP!*

Jiraiya shot upwards, blinking as he stared at me in shock. "What the hell? You... You got it that quickly?!"

I beamed, a tranquil smile deflecting Naruto's irritated glare. "See? It's not that hard, Naruto. If even I can get it, you'll have no trouble whatsoever." I calmly strolled over to the tree next to Jiraiya's, mimicking his act of dropping down on the ground, propped against the trunk.

...Blondie was still staring at me. Then he glared at the balloon, grumbling as he started trying to get it to burst.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"...How'd you do it?"

Hm? I turned to look at the Sannin, who was curiously staring at me.

"It wasn't that difficult. I saw that if I spun the water in one direction, it would only stretch the balloon. So, spin it in both directions at once to get it to pop."

"...Smart. You're pretty quick for a Genin. And before either of us forgets... That information you have on Akatsuki." I rolled my eyes, once again reaching into my bag and pulling out a small scroll.

"A list of bank accounts and who they're affiliated with. Crippling them financially should prove easy enough with this." He took the scroll, casually flipping it open...

...After a few moments, he rolled it shut, tucking it inside of his shirt. "Hmph. Alright... Do you want to start on the second step?" I shrugged.

"Nah, I'll stick with Naruto's pace and help him out a bit. ...Oy, you better pass that gourd if you know what's good for you." The big man took a swig from a gourd, recorking and tossing it to me.

...Not that I'm real big on alchohol after that incident with Anko, but hey... If alky lead me to great relations like that, who am I to knock an occasional drink?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...A good two hours passed, as dusk set in...

I corked and tossed the now-empty sake jug away, pulling myself to my feet.

Naruto was still working... Trying to get it to work, to no avail. And Jiraiya was quietly snoozing, two or three gourds laying next to him. Hm.

Yawning, I waltzed over to Naruto, looking over his work...

"ARRGH! BREAK, DAMNIT!"

...Not good, I take it.

"Oy, oy, Naruto. Go easy, you're gonna hurt its feelings. No progress yet, huh?"

...He slowly turned his head to glare at me. Nope, not in a good mood.

"...Want a tip?" He sighed, nodding.

"Try swirling chakra in both directions at once. Go in one direction for each hand."

...That should get him going.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

A few minutes later...

*POP!*

"HAHA! Yessah!" He punched the air, grinning like a crazy bastard.

I tapped his shoulder. "Wanna wake up sleeping beauty?"

...Our evil grins matched perfectly.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**__**  
**_  
What do you call four klansmen pushing a truck? White power.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"

"No! There's no one called Alf here," says the person who answered the phone.

His father hangs up. "That's irritation," he says.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time. "No-there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police," The victim responds.

His father hangs up and says, "That's aggravation."

"Then what's frustration?" Asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.

"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?" He asks casually.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_


	30. Chapter 30 Road Trip! Part 3

**Naruto; What If**

**Fourth Arc; Road Trip!**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 30 - Road Trip! Part 3

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

*POP- Splash!*

"GAAAGH! You little bastards!" Jiraiya shot to his feet, red in the face and mad as a hornet. Heheheh, but it worked.

"I did it, hentai-sennin! What's the next step?" Naruto was grinning like mad, his cheery disposition overflowing.

Jiraiya was annoyed, grumbling as he noted the popped balloons and turned, stomping in the direction of the town. The sun had long since set, the lights of the festival looking eerily beautiful in the sea of darkness...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We followed the pervert back into town, heading firstly for our hotel. Once there, we checked into our room while Jiraiya trolled through his bag for a few moments.

Naruto hefted Samehada, inspecting the massive weapon. As he curiously stared at it, his eyes drifted over to me...

"...Yes?"

"Sasuke, you've been using that huge sword you got from the eyebrowless freak, right?" Huge sword from...? Oh. Zabuza's zanbato. Right.

"Yeah. What about it?"

"Can you show me how to use this thing?" He asked, indicating the weapon in his hands.

Hmm...

"...I suppose I'll have to. Tomorrow we'll work on that after we finish the second step to the Rasengan."

He beamed, resting the Sharkskin on his shoulder, with Jiraiya smiling behind us as looked upon his two newest students...

And wondered if his sanity would be intact after our training was finished.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We left our hotel to get something to eat, and stopped at a small ramen stand, not unlike Ichiraku's...

...Except old Teuchi's noodles were MUCH better. Eugh.

After choking down what tasted like a bowl of chicken-flavored wet paper, I turned to Naruto. "Man, we've been spoiled by eating at Ichiraku's so much. Now normal ramen just isn't good anymore."

Naruto grimaced, nodding. "Uh-huh. Ugh... If Teuchi was here, he'd thrash the cook for giving this crap to customers."

"Yep. And that'd be before Ayame took a broom to the manager's head."

We both sat there nodding, equally disgusted by the sub-standard food...

"...Say, Naruto. I think I'll stick to the fried goods they've got at this here festival... Haven't had a deep-fried funnel cake in bloody ages..."

"...I think I'll be joining you, Sasuke. And what's funnel cake?" ...Poor bastard. He didn't even know what funnel cake is...

...Wait. What IS funnel cake anyway...? Agh, well, I'll figure it out later. Pretty sure I'll recognise it when I see it. At they'll DEFINATELY have corndogs!

YUM!

We both stood, leaving the sub-par meals to those with less refined tastes. We also left the check for our perverted sensei to pick up. Heheh.

That night... We ate pretty well, if I say so myself. Fried squid wasn't half bad, actually... Calamari!

Anyway. Back at the hotel, we bunked down on futons and set in for the night...

With a shadow clone left to keep an eye on things, of course.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I woke up with a yawn, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

"Ugh... Another day, another pain in my ass..." My shadow clone dropped dwon from his hiding place, giving a half-assed salute.

"Morning, boss."

I returned said half-assed salute, shaking the cobwebs from my mind. "Oy. Anything to report, Minion?"

"Nada. Although... A girl staying with her family in the hotel across the street from us is exceptionally well-endowed for her age." I raised an eyebrow.

"Is she, now? ...You get those images recorded?"

My clone's eyes flashed with the sharingan. "You know it, boss."

We both shared a perverted grin, before my clone dispelled, his memories of that girl flooding my..

HOLY SHIT!

...

Daaaay-uuum. He was right... That girl was EXTREMELY well-endowed. As in, if they were any bigger, she'd've popped the buttons right off her shirt! She was... Maybe a year or two older than us, with boobs that dwarfed Hinata's! Man...

She must really love milk.

Anyway...

I got up and dressed, this time in camo cargo pants and a thick, form-fitting black shirt. This time without the Uchiha symbol, but that of Uzushiogakure.(Think Underarmor, high collar and all, with a blood-red swirl on the upper back)

Then I hit the floor for my morning exercises.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Nmph... Ngh... Hup." Huh... Uwah...?

Naruto sat up, rubbing his eyes...

No more than five feet from him was Sasuke, his fists pressed against the floor as he did vertical push-ups.(With his legs straight up in the air. He must be copying Lee again...)

"Mornin' Sasuke-teme..."

"Oy, Naruto-dobe. Having good dreams, I take it. Ones involving Hinata, at a guess." Sasuke's nonchalant mention of the blonde's morning wood earned a sleepy smile.

"Uh-huh. Something to do with melons and zucchini... Paizuri..." Within moments, Naruto drifted off into a daydream with this big, dumb grin on his face.

Lucky prick. In MY dreams, Anko just sits there in a huff, pouting about me not being there to satisfy her, so she won't satisfy me. Not even in my dreams...

...Yeah, my mind's version of Anko is too damned accurate. MY melancholy train of thought was derailed by Naruto's random comment.

"...You know, with enough shadow clones, oil and whipped cream that just might work..."

...?

"Uh, what the hell are you talking about?"

Naurto suddenly gave a start, blushing bright red. "OH! Uh, nothing! Nothing at all! Say brown-bear, where'd you get that shirt? It's sweet, really brings out your pecs."

...

"...Smooth, JD."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Once we were both up and ready, we headed out to get breakfast.

...My treat, grudgingly or not.

We stopped by a few different places... I insisted on getting dango. I'd had it far too often by now to be able to go without it for more than a week.

On our way back to the hotel, I had a sudden moment of clarity. With an evil grin, I looked over at Naruto...

"...Oh, no, I am not going along with whatever insane prank you have planned. No. Nuh-uh."

...I continued grinned.

"...Fine. Whaddaya got in mind?"

After I whispered my plan into his ear, he matched my grin.

"You are the most evil, devious person I've ever met... I like it."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We got back and woke Jiraiya was breakfast in bed.

Myself and Naruto sat at the tiny provided table, while our perverted Sannin ate in his futon.

As he ate, he explained. "Alright, you two. *Munch, crunch* Da nexsht shtep ish to do da shame ting, buh wif rubbah ballsh inshtead of bawoonsh. *-Ulp* The point of it, is to increase your power with the technique, and after that, we'll work on controlling it."

Then he continued to chow down, not once noticing the... Extra ingredients we added.

Heheheheh, oh, he'd notice them soon enough...

Prick!

MWAHahahahahahahahaaa!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Naruto and I went to the training spot and waited a good twenty minutes for Jiraiya to meet us with the balls.

...You're expecting to make some kind of balls pun, aren't you? Well, too bad. I'm above such petty, crude, immature attempts at humor.

"Hey, Sasuke." I turned towards my brother-in-crime. "Yeah?"

"Guess what?"

"Okay... What?"

*_**Pt, ThppbbbbbrrrT!* **_He farted. LOUDLY.

"Hehehahaha! Dude! That reeks!" And it STUNK to high heaven!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Jiraiya arrived soon afterwards.

"Alright you two, time for the- Eugh! Oh.. Oh god, what is that smell?!"

I was pinching my nose, snickering as I pointed at the offending ass. "Naruto! He had bean paste for breakfast!" Que Naruto's continued cackling, as he gassed us again.

"UWAH! IT'S A CHEMICAL ATTACK! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After a quick wind jutsu via Jiraiya, the area was mostly stink-free, and we set in to do our training.

"Alright, now that that's over with... Man, what did you EAT, kid? Anyway, the next step, is building up enough raw power to pop a rubber ball. Since there's no water, it is MUCH harder to get it to pop. The water balloon was to teach you the fundamentals... This is where the real training starts. So get to work." He tossed the brown sack of balls at our feet, and waltzed over to a tree where he sat down and got to work on another one of his perverted books.

...I swear to Kami, Jashin and Pein, if he writes some sappy bullshit story about me and Anko, I swear to crap... I will beat him to death with his own testicles!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I took the ball in my hand, took a deep breath, and exhaled... Just before suring my chakra, to the point where the air around me began to distort... It reminded me of the heat waves that roll off of a fire, or... Or...

Or during the finals... When Naruto's chakra was litterally flowing off of him in waves, visible even to the naked eye...

It was an amazing sight... Entrancing, even. So beautiful... Hmm... Wonder if it's possible to shape it...

I filed that away for future investigation, as I currently needed to pull a Gary Oak.

"HuuuaaaAAAAHHH!" Pulsing my chakra through my arms, through my hands, and focusing on the center of the ball, I spun it in two opposing directions...

...The ball twisted and writhed, expanding and generally flipping the fuck out.

But it didn't pop.

"...Fuck."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Two hours of training later...**

"Grr... Break, damn you! BREAK!"

*POP!-fffflllssshhrrr...*

"Alright!" Grinning like a crazy bastard, I sent a celebratory smirk in Naruto's direction, which was quickly returned with a raised middle finger.

"Laugh it up, duckbutt! Just wait till the third part..." He grumbled, turning back to the rebellious ball. Heheh, I think I just pissed him off.

I stretched, pulsing my chakra in time with my heartbeat. Kinda like stretching my chakra system, as it were.

I strolled over to the tree next to Jiraiya's, plopping down for a break, and a bite to eat.

Munching on a few doctored food bars, Jiraiya started in on me again.

"What else do you know?" Man, he's persistant...

"Too much. But for now... The location of Pein, the figurehead of Akatsuki, and the Demonic Statue they've been using to extract the bijuu. His name is Nagato; one of the orphans you trained in Amegakure. He is currently its leader, under the guise of Pein. This," I pulled out a small scroll I'd scribbled down on earlier. "Is the current location of the statue. Its destruction will delay Akatsuki by many years. However, the statue can be summoned to a different location when necessary."

The old man took the scroll, flicking it open and skimming over its contents...

"...Hmph. Grass country... I'll have that taken care of." I could see the gears turning in his head, already forming a plan of action...

"Oy. This information isn't free, you know... For all that I'm giving you, I expect a lot in return." He nodded, as if...

"I was expecting you to say as much... I'm not paying you for it. As a clan heir, you 've got enough money as is." I raised an eyebrow.

"Money? No. When I want... Is for you to take Naruto and myself as your apprentices when the time comes. Naruto... He can learn the ways of a Sage. I probably can't... I haven't the patience. But there are other things I want you to teach me."

"Such as?" His expression was unreadable...

"Fuinjutsu. Sealing. There is one other thing... But I'll tell you about it later." His eyes narrowed, trying to stare me into submission.

"...Ambiguities are a ninja's specialty. Don't expect anything too extreme." I smiled; couldn't help it.

"Fair enough."

Our quiet conversation was interrupted by everyone's favorite blodne knucklehead.

"ARRRGH! WHY WON'T THIS THING POP?!"

...Heheheh, good old Naruto.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Jiraiya left, saying he was going to go and check his contacts for information on Tsunade.

I got up, strolling over to my good buddy. "Yo, Naru. Still need help?"

He glared at me. ...Right.

"...I'll take that as a yes. Tell me; what seems to be the problem?"

"...I can't get enough power behind my chakra. It feels like I'm trying to look in two directions at once... I either put enough behind one direction, or the other." Aha.

"Really? Well, how does one look in two directions at once?" He blinked, staring at me.

"Uhh... Dunno." I quirked an eyebrow.

"Really? Well... How do you get an enemy to try looking in two directions at once?"

He blinked again. "Um... Use a shadow clone to confuse him?... Wait."

My features split into a grin. "There ya go. How do you look in two different direction at the same time? By having two people."

He matched my grin, putting his hands together.

"Shadow clone jutsu!"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**__**  
**_  
What do you call four klansmen pushing a truck? White power.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"My race doesn't have separate sexes. Each of us can be 'male' or 'female' as required. It usually depends on who buys dinner." -Snixor, a hermaphrodite alien from the comic XXXenophile

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**"That which does not kill us, will only serve to make us stronger." -Friedrich Nietzche**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"**He who fights monsters should see to it that in the process, he himself does not become one. For if you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you." -Friedrich Nietzche**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"**To live is to suffer. To survive is to find meaning in that suffering.**" -**Friedrich Nietzche**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"**There are no facts; only interpretations.**" -**Friedrich Nietzche**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"**The greatest weapon against an enemy, is another enemy.**" -**Friedrich Nietzche**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"**Is man one of God's blunders, or is God one of man's blunders?**" -**Friedrich Nietzche**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**The unforgivable crime is soft hitting. Do not hit at all if it can be avoided; but never hit softly. -**_**Theodore Roosevelt**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"If you don't know what you're doing, do it quickly." -Unknown


	31. Chapter 31 Road Trip! Part 4

**Naruto; What If**

**Fourth Arc; Road Trip!**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 31 - Road Trip! Part 4

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**THIS CHAPTER HAS BEEN UPDATED! AS OF MARCH 5, 2013! REWRITTEN AND LENGTHENED!**

Within moments, Naruto popped the ball.

"YESSAH!"

"Heh, well done." I congratulated him, oddly pleased to see his growth in person... He really was amazing.

Wait. Shit, not THAT growth, you perverted bastards! No Yaoi!

As I shook that disgusting little errant thought from my head, Naruto, grinning, asked me, "So, what about the sword training you promised me?"

"Yeah, yeah, mate. Grab your weapon and try not to cut yourself."

Naruto picked up samehada, hefting the massive blade with only slight difficulty as I pulled out my sword-scroll, unsealing Headchopper.

Taking it in hand, I began instructing.

"Right. To maximize leverage, hold the weapon like this, and keep your feet spread, knees bent to maintain your stance..."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**[Cue music; Caught Dead, by Papa Roach, Getting Away With Murder Bonus Track]**

"Huuh, Hah!"

*Whuh~**CLANG!***

"Kuh...! NnggrrrAAAGH!"

*Whush-**WRRRNNNG!***

"Whoa~! Rrrgh, _Hoyah!"_

***Whuh... PLTSCHHRREEING-KTCH!...** WHUH-WHUH-WHUH-WHUH-**THUMPK!***

"Gotcha!"

"Damnit...!"

Jiraiya stared on in confusion. "...What the hell are you two doing?"

Both boys had been swinging their arms as though holding weapons, making their own sound effects.

Both turned towards him with sincere grins.

"Training!" Naruto announced, making the sage blink.

"...Training? You look like you were playing INSTEAD of training."

Sasuke stared at him in indignation. "You don't think I'd allow him to slack off on his dad's own jutsu, do you? Why, I'm offended!"

The Sannin returned his student's annoyed glare. "Training, would involve using the weapons you're training WITH."

Sasuke's annoyed expression was replaced by one of horror. "You... You don't seriously think I'd let him, a novice, swing a REAL sword at me? One of the seven deadliest blades in existance? The first time he's learning how to USE the damn thing? Do I LOOK suicidal to you?!"

His incredulious expression and tone of voice were almost comical in nature, except...

He also sounded completely SERIOUS.

"...Whatever. Naruto, have you completed the second step?" Jiraiya asked, shaking his head. The blonde nodded enthusiastically, practically bursting with enthusiasm.

"Yessah! What's the third step, hentai-sennin?"

...The sage ignored his nickname. "Focusing the technique. We'll work on it tomorrow, c'mon. I've found Tsunade."

His students grinned with pure joy, following their perverted teacher down the hill, and towards the town they were staying at...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Back to MY(Sasuke's) point of view.

Jiraiya lead us back down into the city, following a strange route to a small pub, inside of which...

We walked in during the dinner rush, and one of the first people I noticed, was a tall, beautiful blonde woman with a massive bust. Like, more than triple the size of Hinata's!

Sitting next to her was a younger woman in her late twenties with mid-length brunette hair, and a pretty face with cute features and kind eyes... That was Shizune, huh... Bet she was pretty cue way back when, eh...? Still fairly attractive, at that. Oddly enough...

Putting Shizune, with her flat chest, right next to Tsunade makes the older woman's tits look even bigger for some reason... I mean, damn! She had enough cleavage to DIVE into!

Anyway...

"Tsunade! There you are!" Jiraiya boomed, grinning as he approached his former teammate and fellow Sannin. Naruto and I trailed along behind him, trying to look like good apprentices.

Trying's the keyword.

"Whoa... Uh, aren't we supposed to be looking for some fifty-year-old woman? She's too young and pretty to be Tsunade..."

I carefully nudged him in the side.

"Ow! What was that for?!" He rubbed his flank indignantly, as I gave the soon-to-be Hokage a once-over with my sharingan...

"That IS Tsunade. She's got a henge on to make herself look like she did some twenty-five years ago... Believe me, you do NOT wanna see what she really looks like. But, oddly enough, her actual tits are even bigger than the ones she's got now..."

Naruto gaped at me. "H-h-how does she even get around with those things?!"

I shrugged. "Very carefully?"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Jiraiya shoved us into the booth across from the two women, sitting himself down on the end to keep us wedged in.

"It's been too long, Tsunade! How've you been?"

"Fine, Jiraiya. What brings you here?" She looked normal... Slightly flushed cheeks from alchohol, but nothing out of the ordinary. I don't think Pedochimaru came to see her...

"It's good to see you, Jiraiya-san. Who are the two handsome boys with you?" Shizune was polite, with a sisterly-sounding voice... Heh, she really reminded me of... Of...

...Jashin DAMNIT!

Jiraiya inclinded his head towards Tsunade's apprentice. "Ah, these two are my students, Naruto," The guy clapped a hand on Naruto's head, ruffling his blonde locks. "And Sasuke." ...And nearly did the same to me, except for a rather well-timed grasp of my sword.

...He took the hint. No one but Anko-neechan touches the hair!

"...Huh. Your students, you say... One's a pretty-boy who gets by on his good looks... And the other's a loudmouth who takes after you." Tsunade remarked, real sardonic-like.

Shizune sent her a disapproving glance, but looked back to us with a kind smile.

"Ah, she's just poking fun at you two. Pay no mind to it." Naruto grumbled silently for a moment about being thrown in with the pervert. I politely ignored the jibe at me, though her early attitude annoys me nearly as much as Neji's.

"...As she's drunk, I'll ignore whatever snarky comments she has to spare." The hardest part was maintaining my sincere smile. Frankly, I'd've rather adopted my traditional sardonic glower that keeps people from interacting with me.

Hmm... Strange... The younger woman continued to look at me... Though the look in her own eyes shifted slightly.

...Was she able to tell I was concealing my inner thoughts? Agh, not my lucky day...

"Ah, enough about these ingrateful brats. Tsunade, you've been requested to return to the vilage." Shizune was obviously surprised, but Tsunade didn't outwardly seem perturbed in the least.

"...I decline." Her reply was dead and hollow-sounding. Jiraiya raised an eyebrow.

"Heh, you used to say the same thing to me all the time... Don't you at least want to hear why they want you back?"

"Not particularly." She sounded bored as she took another sip of her drink, eyes hooded. Eesh, reading her is like trying to read a rock.

"Aww, come now. You've been nominated to become the fifth Hokage."

Naruto spluttered, "WHAT?!"

I swiftly clapped a hand over his mouth, feverently whispering in his ear.

"Shut up, Naruto. You're too young anyway."

"Mmrrhmrmurphmr..." He grumbled, arms crossed over his chest. Forgot to tell him about that when we left the village... Whoops.

"...That brat definately takes after you." The blonde woman remarked, swirling her drink.

"Heh, yeah, he does remind me of my youth... So? What's your answer?"

"The same. I decline." Jiraiya was about to plead with her again, when I cut him off.

"Allow me, hentai-sennin." His eye twitched at the nickname, but he relented... He figured the boy who knows the future had a plan.

"Tsunade-sama. For what reason do you not wish to return?" Heheheh, I could guilt-trip her with Naruto, allow Naruto himself to convince her, or go with logic and reason. Since she's drunk as a skunk, that boots reason out the door.

"Reason...? Hah! Take your pick, kid. Being Hokage's a shit job... You sacrifice your own life for people who couldn't care less... And for what?"

Naruto's entire body twitched, but other than that, no outward reaction.

She went on. "Nearly every one of them died young for that office, and the only one who didn't was forced out of retirement to continue. Lives aren't like money; they can't be gambled so easily... Only a fool would want to be Hokage."

Just as she finished, Naruto leapt onto the table, ready to pound Tsunade into a Sannin-patty when I grabbed the back of his jacket and Jiraiya caught hold of his ankle.

I slowly reigned him in as he ranted on, culminating in calling Tsunade a coward who was too afraid of reality to deal with her own problems. Heh, bullseye.

"...You think you know me? Tell me, _brat,_ what do you know of pain?"

Aha. That's my cue. "He knows far more than you could ever imagine, coward."

Her glare snapped onto me, a growl rising from the back of her throat. Bait, taken.

"For twelve years, he's been the village punching-bag, and Kami's chewtoy. An orphan, forced to live on his own from the time he could walk. He's had no family, no friends, and is hated by everyone protected by his sacrifice... One he had no choice in making. You lost your brother and lover, did you not...? Naruto's never had anyone. But do you see him lamenting how bad his life is, how he has suffered worse than any other?"

"You... You _**little shit**__!_"

Her arm snapped out, grabbing my collar, yanking me forward, her other fist cocked. Hook, set.

I simply tilted my head, smiling my favorite little ax-crazy smirk...

"Tsunade-sama!" Shizune freaked, and I felt Jiraiya's weight shift.

"Do it... Maybe it'll make you feel better. Maybe it'll miraculously bring Nawaki and Dan back to life, too...? Hell... Maybe you'll even cure yourself of that nastry fear of blood, ne? Tell me, Princess of the Senju... What, just _what the__** FUCK **__do you know of us?_" I switched my tone of voice back to my angry-voice. Scares the shit outta people with my sharingan to boot. Time to reel 'er in.

My sharingan was active, tomoe spinning, drilling into her eyes, nay, her very _soul..._

Her eyes had shot wide, grip loosening, just the slightest hint of doubt showing in her eyes... The smallest chink on her emotional armor.

Now that she was shaken up, it was time to really rub it in. "I am Sasuke Uchiha... The LAST Uchiha. My _entire family_ was slaughtered before me, by the brother I loved more than my own life... And after years of searching, hunting for him, I learned that the entire time, he was _**ordered **_to kill them... By our own village. By the people I've fought, killed, and nearly died for... Mwaheheheh... It's... All rather comical, no? So tell me, _Coward_ of the Senju; do you think I spend every waking moment drowning my sorrows, feeling sorry for myself, claiming to know pain more intimately than any other...? _**Fuck no.**_"

Her grip had weakened to the point of nonexistence, and I took the initiative. I grasped her shirt pulling HER closer to ME. Kindas like my reversal of the three sound-stooges...

Hm. For some reason... I get the distinct feeling that I am forgetting something... Agh, fuck it. Now's not the time.

"And do you want to know the best part of all this...? I got over it. I know who planned my family's downfall... And I've already set things in motion. I've not a care in the world... And yet. My pain is nothing compared to that of the blonde boy in front of you. Do you know the meaning of his name? Naruto Uzumaki... Now... Just who does that remind you of...?"

Walls broken, check. Emotions scrambled, check. Reasons belittled, check. Resolve questioned, check. Taken her entire world view, and _**fucked **_it up the ass? Double-fucking-check!

"Uzu...Maki. ...Kushina." She mouthed the words... Just as her eyes widened, and she stared at the blonde in question, comprehension dawning on her. Ah-ha.

"...NOW she gets it. Heheheh, yeah... This world's pretty fucked up, ain't it? And do you wanna hear the bit that _pisses_ me of the most?" She turned her gaze back to me, just as I leaned in close, whispering in her ear...

"...The _pervert_ behind me... Is the boy's godfather. And guess who only showed up in Naruto's life just over a month ago...?"

Oh-ho-ho-HOLY SHIT!

Her eyes changed, her expression darkened, and her chakra... Damn. She radiated with killing intent, effortlessly removing my hand from her shirt, rising to her feet.

"Jiraiya... Come speak with me _**outside **_will you...?" Not that she gave him much choice, since she grabbed his haori and dragged him along behind her, the 'Great Sage' whimpering the entire time.

...Mother_fucker _deserves it. Punk-ass btich.

I cheerfully turned back to Naruto. "Well, my good buddy, your revenge against Jiraiya is complete."

He blinked. "You... You planned that, did you?"

"...Kindof. You're gonna have to do the actual convincing later, a'ight?" He nodded, brightening when we heard the sounds of violence outside.

"_Ow.. Ow, OW! No... No! Not the face, not the face!_"

***SCRUNCH!***

His voice went up _several_ octaves. "_**GUUAAAAGH!**__ THEFACETHEFACETHEFACE!_"

Shizune stared at us in wonder, shock, and awe. Not to mentoin just a wee bit of fear... "You two... Are a force to be reckoned with."

Both of us shrugged. "Normally people just refer to us as a menace, but force of nature works just as well. Sasuke Uchiha, badass extraordinair, and Naruto Uzumaki, whirlwind of mayhem, as well as the future Hokage, at your service, madame Shizune." We both inclined our heads, smiling all the while.

"...You two get into a lot of trouble, don't you?"

"What gave it away?"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Some fifteen minutes later...

Tsunade walked back inside, looking like she hadn't seen nor heard of alchohol in decades... I guess having your world flipped ass-over-teakettle does that to ya. Although...

The sounds of Jiraiya's whimpering and bones breaking ended five minutes before she walked in, shortly followed by a limping Toad Sage.

"Shizune. We're leaving." The blonde woman announced, much to the brunette's surprise.

"What? But Tsunade-sama-"

"Enough! Now!" The younger woman lowered her head, standing as she bottled up whatevr else she wanted to say.

...Hmph. She may be a bit too soft on the old bat sometimes...

Anyway. Jiraiya was about to sit down and nurse his wounds, when I shoved him out of the seat, clambering to my feet with Naruto right on my heels.

"Hang on! You're just gonna run away again?" Damnit, going to have to go through the bet and all... Fuuuuuuck.

Tsunade ignored me, marching towards the door. Shizune sent an apologetic look to Naruto and myself, quickly following after her teacher. Argh, time to pull out the big guns.

"On me, Naruto." My partner nodded, following close behind.

Just as we raced outside, I saw Tsunade moving quickly... Now or never.

"HEY! SENJU-COWARD!" I shouted, and the old woman stopped dead in her tracks.

She spun with a growl, stalking towards us.

Heheheh, damn she's easy to provoke. "I challenge you!"

She stopped, blinking.

"...What?"

"You like gambling, don't you? Then here's my offer; a duel. If we win, you come back and take the mantle of Hokage."

"...And when you lose?" She's got the hook in her lip, worm quickly swimming towards the surface. Heh, fool.

"Then I'll give you the entire Uchiha fortune. Will that satisfy you?" ...I could see the ryo signs in her eyes, as Shizune freaked out and tried to discourage this.

"Tsunade-sama! Surely you wouldn't think to steal so much money from a child..."

"Shizune! Keep out of it. Well, Tsunade? You scared to fight a pair of Genin? Deal or no deal?"

"DEAL!" Tsunade was elated, figuring as the last Uchiha, I'd have a grand sum of money stashed away... Heh. Legendary Sucker, indeed.

"...Uh, Sasuke... She IS one of the Sannin, right? Are you sure we can fight her...? This is your money we're talking about..."

Naruto was apprehensive, worried more for my future than the fight.

"Forget it. Money's worthless with no one to spend it on, right...? C'mon! You're not losing your nerve now, are ya?" He returned my grin, and once more, I was standing next to Konoha's most unpredictable shinobi.

"HELL NO! Let's kick her ass like we did that snake bastard!"

Now he's talkin'...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We both turned back to the old blonde bat, as I breathed in...

Breathe out...

Breathe in...

Breathe out...

And now... Focus.

My chakra surged, sharingan flared, and I drew my blade.

"You ready, Naruto?"

"Whenever you are, Sasuke."

"Will you two quit confessing your love for each other and come at me already? I'm getting old, here." She taunted, casually shoving Shizune out of the way. Hmm...

"Naruto. Plan Omega."

Ha gave a start, turning to look at me with wide eyes. "Are... Are you serious...? But that'd kill her!"

"She's the greatest med-nin in history... And her apprentice is on-hand. Survival shouldn't be much of a problem. And if she can't handle a pair of Genin, she isn't fit to be Hokage regardless." He stared at me in shock, but gulped and turned back towards our opponent.

"I hope you're right, Sasuke..."

"If I'm not, we're all dead anyway. C'mon... Let's rock."

I felt his chakra surge just as mine had, before we both rushed towards the blonde Sannin, just as I caught sight of Jiraiya watching us through the window, a smirk etched onto his face.

Heh...

Time to go to work.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**[Cue music; 110% by Skindred, Union Black]**

I rushed straight on, moving ahead with Naruto right on my heels. He had a shadow clone running next to him, forming a rasengan...

I moved further ahead, forming a handseal myself.

"Shadow clone jutsu! _**Eight Deaths; Guts' Cannon!**_"

Seven clones appeared, all wielding different weapons, as three of them moved back to Naruto; the rest formed up on me.

As we got closer and closer... Nineteen feet... Fifteen... Twelve... Ten!

I leapt high into the air, somersaulting right over her head, as my clones rushed her from the front and sides. Gotta time this right...

I hit the ground hard, spinning towards Tsunade as she swiped three of the four clones away at once, before easily catching the other by the throat.

Hmm... From the memories... Her reaction time was as good as Kakashi's, or better.

It's time.

My clone grabbed her wrist, kicking his legs up, wrapping them around her bicep and locking her arm out. That arm was immobilised for four seconds...

I got right up behind the old bat, taking a page from Anko's book and snaking my arms under hers, wrapping them up and around the back of her neck, before doing something similar with my legs; twisting them around the outside of her own, bending both our knees and forcing us both to the ground in a kneeling position

"Gah! Wha-?!" It'd take her a minimum or six seconds to extricate herself form this... And a max of twelve. Naruto should be here in three.

Two, actually. My clones had launched him just as he finished the rasengan, using him as a human projectile, holding the rasengan out like some kind of spearpoint...

Heheheh, now here's the genius of this; Tsunade is wicked strong, but just as vulnerable to joint dislocations. That's the beauty of the serpent stranglehold; doesn't rely on strength, just flexibility. Heh, why, this one time, I had Anko held down in this position, and-

"...That better not be what I think it is poking into my ass, brat..." Oh, shit. Whoops...

"Quit yer fidgeting and take your lumps, then!"

...That's when Naruto made impact.

"RASENGAN!"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...Ow...

Fucking owch...

I was on the ground, under... Oof. What felt like at least two hundred pounds...

As I tried ot sit up, I found that... I couldn't. I was buried under...

The fifth Hokage. Great...

"TSUNADE-SAMA!" Shizune ran over, fretting over her master.

"Augh... Couldja get this broad offa me? Please?" The brunete looked at me with a startled expression, and replied,

"How in the world are you still awake?!"

"Bloody fuck if I know... Gah, how much does she weigh?!"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

A short while later, I was back on my feet, feeling a little worse for wear as I trudged over to wear Naruto was.

In a Naruto-shaped hole in the ground. Owch.

Kneeling next to him, I poked him in the side. "Oy, holler if you're dead."

"Auuuugh... What just... Hit me...?" He shakily pushed himself out of the hole, taking my proffered hand.

"The Fifth Hokage. We won." I grinned, and he matched it.

"YESSAH! Now we can go back and get Kakashi-sensei healed!" He was overjoyed, already jumping up and down, when...

A pair of very _strong_ hands clapped our shoulders. Uh-oh...

"That really _hurt, _you brats..."

Aww, shit.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We turned, and came face-to-face with-

"Pff, hahahahahahaaa!" We both busted out laughing, seeing the irate expression of Tsunade... Especially since she had these swirling rings of raw flesh covering her face. Heheheh, the effects of an incomplete rasengan.

"...What's so damned _funny?_"

"Ah, n-nothing, Hokage-sama. Heheheh. You look, ah, ravishing." I tried not to snicker, and Naruto didn't even bother trying, but a very convenient interruption saved us.

"That she does. Well, Tsunade? Looks like you're coming back with us after all." Jiraiya waltzed over, a smug grin on his face. Hey, we did all the work...

"...Just what makes you think I'll go back...? The fight isn't over."

"Oh, but it is. You were unconscience for over five seconds; you're getting sloppy."

The blonde's eye twitched, just as Shizune came over to diffuse the situation. Ah, thank Kami for plucky comic relief characters...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Shizune healed the damage done to Tsunade's face, just before I conveniently shooed Jiraiya and Shizune away, letting Naruto do his thing and miraculously convince Tsunade to stop being a cranky old bat.

Even I can't work miracles... But I did soften her up a bit. Hmm... I wonder...

We'll be heading back to the village soon, I'll bet. Wonder what kind of wacky filler-missions we'll have to complete...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_


	32. Chapter 32 Road Trip! Part 5, Finale

**Naruto; What If**

**Fourth Arc; Road Trip!**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 32 - We return victorious!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

It took ol' blondie no more than twenty minutes. The three of us were sitting in the pub, trying not to look like we were waiting for cancer test results.

Then Tsunade walked in, looking slightly resigned, closely followed by Naruto, who was grinning like the crazy bastard he was.

"Well, Tsunade? Change your mind?"

"...Yes. I'll return to the village as its Hokage."

"Hah! I knew you would. Now, speaking of miracles, I don't suppose the kid's also convinced you to stop being frigid...?"

...At that comment, Tsunade speculated, loudly and at length, on Jiraiya's parentage, sexual predilictions, lack of skill as a lover, and penis size.

It was rather funny when the old cock broke down and started crying. Heheh, she's a real charmer, that one.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

A short while later, we were all packed up and ready to head back to the village at Naruto's behest, insisting that we get back overnight in order to get Kakashi-sensei healed up, and my insisting that we get back before anything stupid happens, seeing as that's the way our luck goes.

Took some doing, since the two old folks weren't as keen on walking back several dozen miles in the dark.

"Two Sannin, a jinchuuriki, a genius med-nin, and a badass all together? What the hell could possibly pose a threat to us? Even the combined might of Akatsuki couldn't take us all at once. And it's not like the beginning of that sounds at all like the start of a bad joke, oh no..."

...Needless to say, our journey was spent in silence.

Except, when Naruto sidled up to me, unzipping his jacket. He showed me...

"She called it the Shodai's necklace... Said she gave it to me 'cuz I reminded her of her dead brother."

I widened my eyes. "The necklace of death... Heh, fitting for you. Wearing a fortune around your neck without even knowing, eh?"

He blinked. "A fortune...?"

"...Best to not know, man. Just don't show it around, okay? 'Cept Hinata. Show it off for her all ya like. Maybe even have her rub it for good luck?"

...He turned bright red and slugged my shoulder as I laughed all the while.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

It took... Ugh. Nine hours of trekking, and we walked through the gates of Konoha... At Seven in the morning. I was dead tired...

But, it's not like fate was going to let me get off that easy. We'd gone no more than fifty paces into the village, when we were stopped by an ensemble of...

...

Hiashi Hyuuga, accompanied by more than half a dozen Hyuuga shinobi...

Why the hell were they...

Oh.

D'aww, sheee-it.

"Tsunade-sama, Jiraiya-sama. I am taking custody of Sasuke Uchiha for violating clan law."

Of course, both Sannin blinked.

"...What?" The old blonde had no idea what was going on, and Jiraiya moved ahead of her, standing between me and the mob.

"What law are you talking about?"

"He has stolen one of our kinjutsu, even going so far as to use it at a public event to humiliate us." Aha. Thought so. He was still sore from when I mindfucked him, and then threw salt on it by copying their Kaiten. Heheheheh, whoops. Guess I shouldn't've been showing off...

"Clan laws dictate that he is ours to punish as we see fit."

"What?! By that, you mean it's an excuse to murder him for making you look bad!" Naruto interrupted, already looking pissed off. Not good...

Tsunade spoke up after him. "Frankly, I agree with Naruto. Sasuke is an _Uchiha._ Their speciaty is mimicking the jutsu of others, and is nothing new. I refuse to allow you to harm him because he used his own bloodline to copy yours."

"With all due respect, Tsunade-sama, you are not Hokage _yet, _and you have no say over clan matters regardless." ...Well, thaaaaat's not good.

Agh, better keep this from becoming a bloodbath already... Hmm... If it's Hiashi...

What to do... Naruto will go to blows for this, and Tsunade won't let them hurt him. Jiraiya... He's already trying to figure out a diplomatic solution for this.

Ahh... What to do...

I stepped around the three, walking up to Hiashi. "Speak plainly, Hyuuga. Lies do not befit a clan head. You wish to kill me for refusing to put up with your shit, and calling you out in front of Hinata, forcing you to admit to the horrors you put her through. Nothing more, nothing less. Kaiten is merely an excuse... If you are going to try to have me killed... " My sharingan flared, boring holes in his white eyes...

"...Then you could at least act like you have a goddamn SHRED OF HONOR!" The entire Hyuuga ensemble took a step back at the venom in my voice, from the chakra overflowing my system.

"Well?! What is it you truly want, knave? SPEAK UP! My humiliation? My wealth? My blood? My life?! Then come and take them!"

I drew my blade, thowing it on the ground at Hiashi's feet, glaring him in the eye. "If you want me dead, then do it. Take it up, strike me down! Kill a child, and show the world the _honor, _the _**PRIDE **_of the Hyuuga!"

Shocked expressions all around, most notably Hiashi himself. He... Did not expect this.

As he stared in shock at the sword at his feet, unable to understand just what was happening around him, I put the final nail in the coffin.

"WELL?! What happened to the _fire _in your eyes? Where is the _conviction_ behind your beliefs? Have you finally realised how petty you are? You hide behind laws and tradition, simply to cloak your own pride and arrogance!"

He was still speechless, his face as white as his eyes.

"...You disgust me. You are no man... No, you are not worthy of even being called an animal. For even a beast would never harm its own kin. If you will not fight me as a man, then begone. Until you can admit to your wrongdoing and atone for it, you are _nothing._"

My words rang in his mind, even as he saw an apparition of Hinata... Hanabi... Neji... Hizashi... Even Hitomi... All accusing him, condemning him...

He never moved, even as I retook my sword, brushing past him and every Hyuuga behind him, entirely too shocked to react.

...Exactly as I planned. Refuge in audacity, my friend...

He never knew what hit him, just saw that which haunted him the most. Such is the power...

...Of the sharingan.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

As I flipped my sword, sheathing it, I felt this evil, cruel little smile working its way into my expression...

And when Naruto and co caught up with me, it vanished as quickly as it had come.

"Whoa! Sasuke! How... How did you do that?! You completely fucked his world!"

I turned to my best friend with a smirk. "From behind, without lube, and most definately without cuddling afterwards. THAT, my friend, is how you mindfuck someone. You might wanna take notes, Jiraiya, because that was the closest I've yet come to talking someone into committing suicide."

While I was hamming it up, Tsunade walked up and clomped a fist over my head.

"So THAT's what you were trying to do last night..."

...Awww, shit.

"Err... Kindof. I did need to get you out of your depressed, alchohol-fueled, gambling-ridden stupor. And if a boot up the ass can do just that, why stop at just one? You're no longer depressed, right?"

Her eye was twitching, but Naruto piped up with, "You can't argue with that!" All bright and cheery...

...I envy him, I really do.

"...For some reason, I get the feeling that you're going to grow up to be a magnificent bastard, Sasuke." I shrugged.

"No doubt about it. Now if you'll excuse me, after a mindfuck like that, I really need a cigarette..."

...Aaaand I shuffled away, heading in the direction of the Uchiha complex...

Man, am I tired...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I got no more than a hundred metres.

"SAAASSSUKE-KUUUUUN!" I stopped, blinked.

D'aww, shit.

I turned around, side-stepping juuust in time to avoid beggin tackle-hugged by Sakura. She instead caught a facefull of lampost.

"...Nice landing. Is there something I can help you with, Sakura?"

She peeled herself off the pole, a perfect mirror of her face imprinted on its surface.

"Sasuke-kun! You promised a date with me!" I blinked. When the hell did I...

...No. there is NO WAY I was stupid enough to agree to...

...

...MOTHERFUCK!

"Ugh... I just got back, had to deal with Hiashi the prick, and I haven't slept in over 24 hours... Can I please take a raincheck for later tonight...?"

"No! You're just going to run off and forget again! Besides, it's time for breakfast, anyway, and I know the perfect place! C'mon, Sasuke-kun! And you're paying."

...

God... Do you hate me? 'Cuz I'm really, reeeaaaallly sorry for those puppies I raped and murdered... So... Can you somehow, oh, I dunno... strike Sakura with lightning? Please?

... (_**NO... YOU FUCKED YOURSELF ON THIS ONE. YOU'LL HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO UNFUCK YOURSELF ON YOUR OWN**_)

...No response... I'm on my own. Guess Nietzche was right after all...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"And she totally bought it! What a ditz!" Sakura giggled and laughed over some story she'd been telling me, something to do with Ino, Kiba, a few glasses of wine, and a really bad wig...

Huh. Didn't much notice. I was too busy trying not to fall asleep.

"Eheheh, sounds like that went over well."

"Oh, it did! But, anyway... Sasuke-kun... Are you, um..."

...Eh? C'mon, out with it... I'm borderline conscience, here...

"Sasuke-kun, are you... Seeing someone?" Seeing som...?

Oh. Aha. Uhm... Do I WANT to have her following me around like a little fangirl...?

Fuck, no. "...I am, Sakura."

"Oh... Ah... Who is it?" I give her credit... She hid how hurt she was better than most.

I smiled as comfortingly as I could. Probably looked more like a sleepy smile, but regardless. "If I say Kiba, would you go and beat him up to win my affections?"

...I observed her expressions...

First confusion.

Then dawning realisation.

Then shock.

Before disbelief.

And finally, growing ire when she realised I was just screwing with her.

"...Heheheh, Sakura, if you keep glaring like that, I'll catch fire."

"Good."

"...I see you aren't in the mood for humor. Let me just say, Kiba is FABULOUS in bed. He is a true master of doggy style..."

...Not even Sakura could keep a straight face at that, especially with the _special _tone of my voice.

Eesh, I think Pedochimaru would've jizzed his pants if he'd been within earshot.

Anyway. The pinkette burst into fits of giggling, before finally asking me, "Alright, alright... But who is it? Please, can't you...?"

I sighed. Man, I do NOT need this crap this early in the morning...

"...I can't tell you. We've... Not made it official. She's a bit, ah, older than I, and the unfortunate implications might cause problems for her."

"Older than us... Does... Does she make you happy?" Her question had many implications, some of which I'm sure she herself didn't quite understand.

"Mmm... She does. I am sorry, Sakura, but... You and I wouldn't be a good fit, believe you, me. I am... Not a very nice person. However... I do have something that will make up for this." She looked up at me, a very sad, depressed look in her eyes. Eesh, the puppy-dog eyes didn't work before, and they won't work now, damnit.

"I've found you a master... Someone who can teach you to be one of the best kunoichi in the village. Wouldja like to meet her?" I grinned, standing, offering her my hand.

She stared at it for a moment...

"...Her?"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I pulled her along to the Hokage Tower, bringing her right up to the Hokage's office.

I knocked twice, stepping inside to find Tsunade and Jiraiya conversing with Hiruzen, all three of them blinking when they saw me.

"Sasuke? What is it?"

"Mornin' Hokage-samas, hentai-sennin. Tsunade, I've found your next apprentice."

...The Sannin stared at me. "...You're joking, right?"

"Oh no, not at all. Sakura here's like a carbon copy of you when you were young; smart, flat-chested, easily angered, fangirlish, determined, and has exceedingly good chakra control. Well, except for the hair. That's... Unique."

At that, Sakura clocked me over the head, bowing and profusely apologising for her idiot teammate. As I rubbed the back of my skull, Tsunade came over, taking a closer look at my teammate.

"...Sasuke, considering what Hiruzen and Jiraiya have told me... I'll consider it." I nodded, bowing as I turned and took off, calling back,

"Thanks! I'll be back to work as normal first thing in the morning, Hokage-sama! Have a nice retirement! And try not to die, Sakura!"

...I hauled ass out of there, cackling at my latest ass-pull. Welp, at least she won't fangirl out on me from now on. Sweet!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After a tiring fifteen-minute trek, I finally arrived at home... Ahh... So tired...

I walked inside, kicking the door shut behind me, glazed eyes scanning for traps...

...None... Good...

And so I trudged on, discarding unnecessary items along the way, until I entered my bedroom, yawning.

Ahh... A day well spent...

After removing and dropping the rest of my gear, I plopped down on my bed, haphazardly forming a seal, summoning one last shadow clone, who mimicked my yawn perfectly.

"Augh... G'night, Minion... Wake me if-"

Quite suddenly...

A large, heavy, unnoticed shape dropped on me form the ceiling.

"Oof! Gah, can't you fuckers attack me AFTER I've slept?!"

I made to throw whoever it was off, but found my hands pinned down, legs too. By the time I got a good look at them, they were already at my neck...

D'aww, shit.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_


	33. Chapter 33 This Shit Just got AWKWARD

**Naruto; What If**

**Fifth Arc; Golden Age**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 33 - Catching up

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...And began nuzzling against me. Great... Just what I need...

**[Cue music; In the Air Tonight by Nonpoint, remake of Phil Collins]**

"I missed you, y'know..." Anko was kneeling on top of me, holding my arms and legs down.

"I can see that." She wasn't exactly wearing her standard attire...

...Or any attire, for that matter.

"So, seeing as I've fallen into this well-laid trap, I'm yours completely... May I make a request?"

"Oh? And what would that be...?" Her eyebrow quirked, still with that coy expression.

My expression glomped.(See; turned sardonic and sour) "Can this wait until tonight? I've been up for more than 24 hours."

"Hmm... Let me think... NO."

"...Fuck."

...Well said.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**One very exhausting, yet amazingly pleasurable boink later...(NO UNDERAGE LEMONS HERE, DAMNIT!)**

Thirty seconds after her final orgasm, she lay there atop me, panting, before taking a slow, calming breath. "Hahhh... I needed that."

"Yes, yes... I'm going to sleep, now." I made to roll over, finding myself pinned down. Again.

...Jashin damnit.

"Oh, come on, not again..." This would be the eighth time... Ugh... My balls are screaming '_Fuck you! Let us sleep, damnit! _'

"Not that... Not yet, anyway." Cue that coy smirk she's so well-known for. "Tell me how your trip went... And just what you were doing with your teammate earlier."

I blinked. Wait. What?

...She had seemed a bit... Er, desperate, in her affections... Or should I say, clingy?(She'd had her arms wrapped around me the entire time. I now had brand-new scars all down my back... Not to mention a few bite-marks along my neck. Eugh, fucking stings) At least, moreso than any of the other times...

...

...You're kidding me, right? Right?

Ugh... A horny, JEALOUS, older girlfriend... Who happens to be a ninja. And short-tempered.

**NOT GOOD. **

"Do what now about Naruto...?" I can at least hope to make her think I had no idea what she was on about... Might delay this and let me fucking sleep...

Her grip tightened. "Don't be coy."

I sighed. "Figures... I don't suppose you'd be willing to discuss this after a nap...?"

...Her glare was more than sufficient to hazard a guess at what her answer was.

"Lovely... Short version, I promised Sakura a date during the first test of the Chuunin exams, in exchange for her playing the part of my girlfriend; this was done to keep Ino from annoying the hell out of me. After the exams, I, ah... Kinda forgot."

Cue sweatdrop, and her staring me into submission.

"...You forgot your promise to a girl?"

"Yeah, it slipped my mind... I've been kinda distracted lately, and-" Wait.

Forgot...

Slipped my mind...

Date...

Girl...

Promise...

...!

FUCK!

My eyes bugged out, as I just remembered something. Something important.

"SHIT! KIN!" I practically threw Anko off of me, rolling out of bed and making a mad dash for the dresser all in the same movement.

"WHOA!-" *Bur-Boing!... **Thumpk!***

"OW! What the fuck?!" Anko had bounced off the bed, landing harm on the floor.

"Sorry! No time! Forgot to help Kin!" I was.. Okay, I was panicky. I'd forgotten to get her out of custody, which means she is probably still...

"Kin...? Kin? That Sound bitch? Why the hell are you worried about her?"

"Argh, made a promise! Not breaking my word!" I finished throwing on an outfit, turning and hauling ass through the house, and out the door.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

'_Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!_'

I skidded to a stop at the Hokage's door, knocking as I rushed inside.

"What the- Sasuke?" Hiruzen looked up at me, blinking. He was alone, filing papers for soem reason... I guess his retirement forms or something?

"Kin Tsuchi! Sound kunoichi, held by Anbu, where is she?" I was out of breath, having ran like I'd never run before.

The old man blinked, before he Aha'd and said, "The Anbu compound. I suppose you want her released into your custody, then...?"

I blinked. Huh? "...Yes, actually. Did I ever mention that you're the best Hokage I've ever had?"

The old man chuckled, withdrawing a small folded page form his desk, holding it out towards me. "Oh, there might have been a hint... I've already drawn up a reasonable excuse." I took the paper, bowing to him as I turned to leave.

"And Sasuke." I turned back...

"Do try not to provoke the Hyuuga any more than necessary."

"Heh. I'll do what I can, Hokage-sama. Thanks again."

And as I left, I swear... I heard him chortle with laughter.

"_Ha ha ha... He's just like his brother... So much trouble over women._"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

It took some doing, but I finally got to the short, squat building that played the part of Anbu headquarters. I walked inside, and found a ninja-secretary sitting at a desk, double doors to either side of him.

"Yes?" He looked up, staring holes in me. Chuunin, I suppose... I don't recognise him.

"I'm here to take custody of a prisoner."

He quirked an eyebrow. "On whose authority?"

"The Hokage's." I handed him the paper, and he flipped it open, skimming over it...

"...Very well." He reached for an intercom on his desk, flicking it on.

"Otter, we've got a code B-19, one Kin Tsuchi. Mind handling it?"

"_Roger that._" Came back, and within a few moments, the right-side set of doors opened, and an Anbu with an otter mask stepped through, holding the doors.

"Follow me."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I followed the Anbu, taking note of his attire... Unlike most, he had two swords on his back instead of one. The tattoos on his shoulders were... Hm. Ambiquous of the Anbu, but... Why do they not wear shoulder armor? Hmph. Bah, I'll worry about that later...

Some five minutes later, we were in an underground basement, walking along a corridor of steel doors on either side, each with a number above it.

The Anbu stopped at a specific one, staring at the number for a few moments...

"This one... I think." He reached up, opening the viewport that allowed one to peer inside one of the cells.

He quickly shut it, then pulled a key from his pouch, unlocking the door. When he pulled it open, he called,

"Kin Tsuchi! On your feet." The girl was inside, sitting with her knees drawn against her chest... She was wearing some kind of smock, instead of her own clothes.

She looked up, saw the guard, and then... Saw me. At first, she looked shocked... Quickly followed by resentment. But she stood, walking up to the guard, waiting to be cuffed.

Otter shook his head, making the girl blink, before leveling her stare at me. "Yo. Hope their hospitality wasn't too bad."

Before anything else, she cocked her arm, and threw a punch that Sakura would be DAMN proud of.

I'd expected this... Heheh.

A quick surge of chakra, brace myself for impact, and effectively 'stick' myself to the floor? Well, she was smarting, judging from the way she was shaking her hand out.

"Feel better?" The Anbu snarked, chuckling.

Instead of talking, the girl merely glared at him.

I chuckled along with him, my gaze finally resting on the steel collar around her neck...

It had several seals carved upon its surface, and I figure it suppressed chakra... Hm.

"Otter. Could you remove the collar, please?" He snapped his gaze to me, and I figured he was blinking.

"...As you wish." He pulled a different key from his bag, turning the girl around and unlocking something, unlatching and removing the device.

That done, he shut the door to her cell, changing a sign on it to 'vacant'

...For some reason, I think that's some kind of inside joke among the Anbu.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Otter lead us back out, but this time, stopping at a room marked 'Evidence.' He told us to wait outside while he fetched Kin's possessions.

I took it as an opportunity to toss an arm around the former Oto-nin.

"Eheh, sorry it took so long to get you out. The paperwork was a bitch, and I got roped into finding the new Hokage along the way. S'what I get for filling out the forms in the lobby of the Hokage Tower."

"...Why didn't you just kill me?"

"Because everyone deserves a second chance. And you... You had nothing to live for, just someone who wanted you to die for them."

She turned and glared at me. "Well, what the hell am I supposed to do now, huh? Where am I supposed to go? I can't go back to the Sound! I have no money, no home, no family, no village, nothing!" Unshed tears formed in her eyes as she grit her teeth, glowering at me for all she was worth.

...It made her look so CUTE! Heeheehehehehe!

"...You have me." She blinked, eyes going wide as she stared at me. "You'll stay with me. Living alone in the Uchiha compound is... Less than comfortable."

"...I will NOT be your whore..." ...Eh?

I blinked. "You will most certainly not. Hell, you're probably not very good at that sorta thing... Ahem." Her glare could freeze flame itself. "Besides, I am in a relationship already, so you're out of luck on that. But I could use a housemate... Preferably one that wouldn't wind up getting mud on my sheets."

"...?" Her questioning stare was ignored, as Otter returned with a large brown paper bag, which he handed to Kin.

"Follow me, please."

He then lead us out of the building, wishing miss Tsuchi the best of luck in her affairs.

...He was polite, at least.

Outside, I finally let rip that yawn I'd been holding back for the last half hour.

"...When's the last time you slept?"

I had to think about that... "Uhh... 'Bout 36 hours ago. C'mon, I need sleep. I'll show you where you'll be staying."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Fifteen minutes later, we were walking inside my home in the compound, and heard the sound of someone cooking...

"Sasuke! Lunch'll be done in ten minutes!" Anko shouted from the kitchen, and I noticed something. Kin had stopped following me, simply standing there, arms shaking as she glared in the direction the voice had come from.

...Oh, right. Anko had been the one to interrogate her. Whoops.

"...Kin, I'm fairly sure you've already met her, but I think proper introductions might help a bit..."

"So long as they include when she goes to sleep..."

Fuck.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I walked into the kitchen stifling a yawn, just as Anko...

Holy shit...

Turned to smirk in my direction, pulling up short when she noticed Kin staring at her, blushing fiercely.

For you see, Anko was wearing another of her oddball outfits. An apron.

...And nothing more.

"...I suppose this could be even more awkward, but I don't see how-"

*BANG, BAM, BOOM!* ...Someone knocked(Banged) on the front door.

"_Sasuke-teme! You home?_"

"...Well, so that's how. Fucking Naruto..."

D'aww, shit.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Oh, that shit just got AWKWARD!**_

_**Also; to the reviewer who got it right, 01Trycia-chan01; HOW DID YOU KNOW?! ARE YOU FUCKING PSYCHIC?! **_


	34. Chapter 34 Calm Before The Storm

**Naruto; What If**

**Fifth Arc; Golden Age**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 34 - The Awkward

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"_Sasuke-teme! You home?_"

"...Well, so that's how. Fucking Naruto..."

Anko blinked, then scrambled past Kin and I, tear-assing towards the bedroom as Kin busted out laughing.

"Oy, make sure whatever she was cooking doesn't burn, please!" I rushed past the cackling brunette, reaching the door and swinging it open with my traditional grin.

"Yo, Naruto! What's up, buddy?"

He was smiling as usual, but this time... He was accompanied by a blushing Hinata...

D'aww, shit. Not good.

"Not much, just came by to- Huh? Sasuke, look out!" I was tackled by Naruto, as he threw us both to the side and away from-

"Oof! What the f-" I blinked, lightly shoving Naruto off of me. Standing there, just behind where I'd previously been standing, was a laughing Anko.

...Oh. She was coming up to scare/prank/throw herself onto me, and Naruto thought she was attacking me. Right.

I pulled myself up, Naruto doing the same with a confused look on his face.

"Huh? Uhh... Why-?"

I patted his shoulder, sighing. "Don't worry about it, Naruto. She's just here for lunch."

He blinked owlishly. "No, not that. Why do you smell like sweat and whipped cream?"

Hinata's face blushed even darker, whereas Anko fell to the floor laughing, tears streaming down her face.

I sighed again, wondering if I'd ever get to sleep, when I heard fits of laughter coming from the kitchen.

Right... Forgot to grab a shower earlier.

"...Okay, whatever. You two wanna stay for lunch, you're welcome to. Kin! Please tell me you haven't burned it..." I began making my way into the kitchen, sniffing the air for traces of burnt food...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

In the kitchen, the brunette was stirring something in a skillet, still chuckling all the while.

"Ah, good, it's not... What the..." I stared at what was in the pan. "...Fried oysters? Fucking really?" Kin started chuckling again, before commenting,

"Guess you were lucky today."

"If it were a normal day, yes. Today, no. I'm fucking exhausted... Alright, last thing I need is those other two horndogs dry-humping on my couch." I got Kin out of the way, dropping the cooked food onto a plate and dropping the pan in the sink. I'd get it later.

While I busied myself trying to make something quick, the former Sound kunoichi said, "Speaking of humping... Isn't that bitch too old for you?"

I turned to her with my Kunitoshi-inspired sardonic expression. "What, you volunteering? Yeah, she's a bit older than me. So what?"

"...So isn't that rape?"

I stopped, turning to give her a glare that would give Haku shrinkage. "...You willingly followed a pedophile who molested more little boys in a month than the number of missions I took in a year. Don't give me that crap."

"Fair enough... But why her? She's..."

"Sadistic, short-tempered, and an alchoholic, not to mention a nymphomaniac. I know full well. She was likely rough on you because you were a follower of Orochimaru. He mentally and emotionally tortured her for years, so try not to hold it against her. She was doing her job, whether she enjoyed it or not." Logical, but logic rarely ever convinces girls.

...If you can't tell, I'm rolling my eyes.

"...Believe it or not, Anko is far more fragile than she seems. Her strange behavior and sadistic tendencies are her way of coping with trauma. If nothing else, then please try to understand." She was quiet for a time... Before saying,

"...You're far kinder than you let on." Hm?

"What do you mean?" I had a large pot of homemade chicken soup made, as I cut the boneless chicken I'd been frying into smaller pieces.

"You had no reason to keep me alive, nor any obligation to take me in. And that woman... You want to help her. You like fixing things, don't you?"

...? Either this girl is overly perceptive...

Or I'm goddamn transparent when sleep-deprived.

"...So you've got me all figured out. Huh. Oy, gimme a hand bringing all this out before those three start chewing the tablecloth..."

Kin wordlessly lifted the plate of fried oysters, now cool enough to eat, and started for the dining room...

Maybe if those two get hot and heavy, they'll sod off and go... Well, fuck, somewhere else.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I brought the whole pot, setting it on the heat protector in the center of the table. After a moment, I had five bowls, plates and sets of silverware out on the table, its four occupants gazing hungrily at the food before them...

"Ittadakimasu!" ...And we all began chowing down, having pleasant dinner conversation as we ate.

"Hey, Shasuke, who'sh the new girl?" Everyone's favorite blonde asked, pointedly glancing at Kin.

"This, my good buddy, is Kin Tsuchi, my new housemate. Kin, the obnoxious blonde here is Naruto Uzumaki, Konoha's most mischievous, unpredictable shinobi. Next to him, you'll find his blushing bride-to-be, or so she hopes, Hinata Hyuuga." Naruto grinned, rubbing the back of his head as usual, whereas Hinata blushed brighter than before, inclining her head towards her new acquaintence before shooting me a look.

Y'know, the _look._

"And while we are on the topic of introductions, you two probably already know each other, but-"

"...We've met." Kin's flat tone didn't go unnoticed.

"Oh yes, we have. How's your arm?" Anko replied, cheerful and with her usual sunny disposition. Yeah...

"...Anko, don't provoke her. Let me be clear; if you two start fighting, I'm going to knock some sense into BOTH of you. And yes, she is staying here. We'll discuss whatever issues you have with that later, please." Despite my terse tone, both girls continued glaring daggers at one another.

Breaking the tension, Naruto threw in, "These oysters are really good! What's in 'em?"

...Quite suddenly, all the color drained out of Anko's face, leaving her looking pale and on the verge of panic.

I blinked owlishly, wondering just what she'd been making...

...'Later,' she had said...

And we'd ALL eaten a few of them...

D'aww, fuck.

"...Ano, Naruto-kun... Umm..."

Naruto was blushing as brightly as Hinata had earlier, shifting in his chair. "Hina-chan, I, ah..."

I facepalmed, now regretting my earlier words. "Naru, Hina, can you two make it back home, or would you prefer to borrow one of the spare bedrooms?"

Despite their slight surprise, they took my knowledge of their 'relations' at face-value. I was, after all, the one who got them together.

"Ah, you wouldn't mind?"

I slowly shook my head, sighing. "No, no, this is my fault. G'head, there's a sound-suppressing seal tag on the nightstand, and a king-sized bed."

As those two stood up and very quickly made themselves scarce, I turned my stare onto my girlfriend.

"...You could have warned me about that."

"They were OYSTERS. Put that together with my outfit, and I assumed you would have figured it out."

I groaned, already feeling my zipper straining. "I did, only too late. I should have known you would go to the extreme, but that's my mistake. Geeze, what did you USE? Industrial-strength aphrodisiac?"

Kin looked between the two of us, saying, "Okay, it's your house, but can you PLEASE not do what you're thinking out here?"

"Wasn't planning to. There's a TV in the living room and another spare bedroom nearby, so if you'll excuse us..." I quickly stood, grabbing Anko by the arm and dragging her along as Kin shook her head, face flushed.

'_If this is how I'm going to be living... Well, at least I won't be bored._' She thought, looking over the remains of lunch with a sigh. The soup was really good, too...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Some fourteen hours later...**

"Auugh..." I blearily opened my eyes, blinking at the darkness. I made to roll over and get comfortable, just in time to find out that someone was on top of me.

Again.

Right... Anko. Spiked oysters. Ruined lunch. Kin-

Wait. Where... Oh, shit...

Oh, please no...

I cautiously looked down, where Anko was sleeping on my chest with a contented smile...

...And no Kin in sight. Whew. For a second there, I thought I was in trouble...

The last thing I need, is two short-tempered, COMPETANT kunoichi competing for my affections.

That would be bad. Really bad.

Anyway... Ah, what to do... I wonder if Naruto and Hinata are still here...

Hmm...

I didn't have to wait long before Anko yawned, blinking away the sleep in her eyes.

"Hey." She leaned up, exchanging a heartfelt kiss, before softly replying.

"Morning... Or evening. You okay?"

"Mm... Rested. You?"

"Yeah... Sorry about earlier." Another of her rare, sheepish looks appeared.

"S'fine." We both knew what about... Seeing as I knew her as well or better than she did, most times. To spell it out for you, jealousy is a bitch.

"So... About Kin..."

"She's staying here. Not as a lover, not as a mistress, but because I owe it to her. She has nowhere else to go and I intend to help her find a life here, seeing as I took her from her previous one."

"...Completely platonic?"

"Yes." ...I could feel her snuggling closer, listening to my breathing, feeling my heartbeat... She was, after all, one of Ibiki's top interrogators.

"...Okay. But this," She reached downward, grabbing a- Aiee! A- a very in-i-intimate part of my anatomy! Aye-yai-yai-eeheehee... Too tight... "Is _mine_."

"Do I look like I have silver hair?"

"...No, but I can't help it." I could help but smile.

"I made you a promise, didn't I?"

She returned that contented smile. "So you did..."

"Mm... Is there anything else before we go and rustle up some post-coital snacks?"

"You never did tell me how your trip went." Ah. Whoops.

"Hmm... Well, it was successful. We found and retrieved Tsunade, who is taking over as Hokage tomo- Well, today. I found out that Naruto and Hinata have known about us for awhile, which came as a shock to me, Jiraiya taught us a new jutsu along the way, and... We ran into my brother."

Her eyes widened, expression changed. "You.. Ran into Itachi?!"

Huh?... Oh. Right.

"...I neglected to tell you the truth of that, didn't I? Well... Long story short, he was ordered to kill my family by Danzo and the two elders, who forced the Hokage's hand. Ever since, he's been spying on Akatsuki. He'll likely return to the village within a few years..." I smirked. "This time without giving Kakashi nightmares."

Anko gave me a questioning stare, but figured it was just another of my inside jokes that she'd understand later...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I gave my favorite purple-haired nympho a quick rundown of what happened on our trip, as well as how we beat one of the legendary Sannin. Then I demonstrated how it was done...

When we were both naked, and I had a boner.

In case you can't tell, we fucked. There, I said it. Ya happy?

Yes, no? Maybe so?

Well, whatever. After a brief(An hour and a half. That's quick by our standards) after-nap boink, we were interrupted by the growling of our stomaches, and hastily dressed, wandering down to the kitchen.(I just tossed on a pair of pants)

We weren't the only ones. Already downstairs snacking, were Naruto and Hinata, looking fairly disheveled with bedhead, wrinkled clothes, and contented smiles. The blonde greeted us with a sleepy wave, and Hinata apologized for helping themselves to my kitchen. Eh, didn't bother me. Those two were like family these days...

"S'fine, s'fine. You're welcome to help yourselves, but same rules apply to everyone; if I find my fridge empty and someone eating, I'll skin 'em." ...Naruto suddenly looked very apprehensive, gulping down a mouthful of the sandwich he'd been munching on.

"...Naruto, how many sandwiches have you had?"

"Uhh..."

"It's not a good sign that you have to count them, y'know. I was only kidding, you can stop edging towards the door." He let out a breath he'd been holding, and went back to devouring the poor, helpless ham-on-rye before him.

...That guy eats more than Choji, and THAT is saying something. I shook my head with a chuckle, waltzing over to the pantry.

"Ah... Wonder what we've got to eat..."

While I browsed through my collection of snacky stuff, I heard Anko rummaging around in the freezer.

"...Instant dango again, eh?"

"It's the best after-sex food around."

"No, the best would be fresh avacados lightly sprinkled with ginseng and spanish fly."

"Heh, touche." The Jounin chuckled as she popped the box open, dumping its contents onto a large ceramic plate. I noticed something...

She was wearing her trench coat and panties. Nothing more. For some reason...

"...Did you want to go again?" She startled me out of my reverie, intently staring at the bulge in my crotch with that coy smirk of hers.

"...Yes, actually, but, ah, I think we'd better eat first, before my stomache leaps into my throat and strangles me."(That line is mighty familiar, hm?)

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Meal made, we sat down at the table with Naruto and Hinata, all of us... Somewhat suffocated by the awkward atmosphere.

The awkward... Thick, it is.

After another five minutes' silence, I threw out, "So, how many times did you two get off? 'Cuz I'm sittin' at about eight."

...

Shocked silence abound. But Anko picked up on what I was doing right quick.

"Twelve, here. You did better than K... My last boyfriend. Several of them." Heheheh, I wonder what Kakashi would say if he heard that...?

"Eheheh, well... Ten." Naruto caved, figuring it was better than sitting here in silence. Hinata, on the other hand, sat there blushing something fierce.

...Before muttering, so quietly we almost missed it, "T-t-twenty-two..."

The rest of us sat there, blinking. "...Well, it's pretty obvious who got the better end of the deal on that one." Anko snarked, lightly chuckling to herself.

Naruto rubbed the back of his head, a tell of his when he was embarassed. "Heheh, I guess. How long have you two been... Um, Together?"

"Ah, 'bout three days after the invasion. And you two? Just how long have you been doing the horizontal mambo?" This time, Naruto glanced at Hinata, looking to see if she'd rather not have that divulged.

...Seeing as she simply blushed but didn't start freaking out, he responded, "..About the same time, actually. Wait... Sasuke, you already knew that. You're the one who left that basket there!" I grinned at his flushed expression.

"Guilty as charged. I take it you both enjoyed the extras inside?"

...Judging by their bright red faces...

"...I'll take that as a yes."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Hiashi Hyuuga was not normally a man prone to spontaneous, drastic actions. However, seeing as his daughter hadn't returned home overnight without telling him, AGAIN, he went out looking for her.

Normally, he would simply look to the young Uzumaki's apartment, to make sure she was safe. He was already well aware of her affair with the young boy, but...

Something his friend, Sasuke, had said... It changed Hiashi's heart, melted it's frozen crust. He had long been too hard on his daughter... And he allowed her that freedom, whether she knew it or not, he never questioned her abscence, so long as she completed her training, and her mission efficiency hadn't gone down.

However. After today's... Incident, Hiashi was frightened that his daughter had finally had enough, that she now hated him. Despite appearances... He loved his daughter deeply, but his sense of duty refused to let him bend. She had to become strong in order to succeed him as Clan Head.

Ah, but this is merely a distraction. She was not inside Naruto's apartment, but Hiashi did find his daughter, exiting the home of one Sasuke Uchiha, walking alongside young Uzumaki.

It wasn't that he disliked the jinchuuriki, simply his habits and lack of manners. If not for that, he would make a fine groom for his little Hinata... Even if the child had no title or property. He would grow up to be a fine shinobi, one day...

However, again, Hiashi is distracting himself from the disturbing sight before him. With his bloodline, he saw that the Uchiha heir was not alone... No, he had two female guests in his home. One was in bed asleep, whereas the other...

The other was following right behind Sasuke, through a hallway, entering a bedroom, where they both undressed... And began having intercourse.

Sasuke Uchiha... A menace, at best. And an absolute nightmare at worst. He was young, and innocent looking... But appearances are decieving. He was cunning, thorough, and ruthless, driven by his own sense of honor, right and wrong. But those are not the reasons he is dangerous; the boy knows how to harm someone mentally, and emotionally, whichever way is most efficient in reaching his goals.

He was a dangerous adversary, and when he finally matures, he will be one of the greatest shinobi of his time.

But, what strikes Hiashi the hardest, is the woman in his company. She was none other than Anko Mitarashi.

A woman nearly double the child's age... But how long has this been occuring? Has she been the one to corrupt the boy? Unlikely... He is too strong-willed to be manipulated so easily.

Mitarashi... Another menace, though on a far smaller scale than Sasuke. Aside from her sense of fashion and distasteful habits... She is a competant shinobi, far above average in terms of ability. Despite what many may think, she was promoted from Chuunin to Tokubetsu Jounin for her combat ability, not her skill as an interrogator. She had trained under one of the Sannin, after all. Despite appearances and habits, she is no fool.

Anko must know full-well that such an affair would be scandalous if the council got wind of it...

...Wait.

Hiashi thought, for a good few moments...

'_Why am I saying IF? Well... If I cannot have him punished through the clan's means, then the council's will do well enough...They say divine retribution comes at the strangest of times..._'

...And, for the first time in many a month, Hiashi Hyuuga began to chuckle... An evil sound that grates on one's very soul.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**HOT DAMN! How's THAT for an awesome ending? And oh, it will get better. **_

_**MUCH, better...Mwahahahahahahahaa!**_


	35. Chapter 35 Wish I had My Umbrella

**Naruto; What If**

**Fifth Arc; Golden Age**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 35 - Well, That's a Helluva Shit-Storm Right There. Lemme Grab My Umbrella

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

It was still early morning... After last night, Anko had decided to let him sleep in, while she made up for yesterday.

After carefully sneaking out of bed, she threw on a robe and nothing more, figuring he might wake up too early and come down for some... Dessert, before breakfast. That kid had the sex drive of a rabbit and the stamina of a demon... No wonder he could keep up with the older woman, even tire her out some nights.

Anyway. She padded down the stairs, softly humming to herself as she entered the kitchen, and set about making something to eat.

After setting the table for the three of them,(Ugh... He had asked her to play nice with the sound girl) and putting the finishing touches on breakfast, she was just about to go and wake up her young lover when there was a knock at the door.

"Ah, shit..." Anko eloquently muttered to herself, forming a handseal and doing a quick henge, taking the appearance of a grumbling, fresh-outta-bed sasuke, complete with bedhead and pajamas.

(S)He opened the door, mumbling out, "Mmurphmr... Yeah, whattaya want?" Through sleepy, hooded eyes, Anko nearly gulped. Standing at the door was her ex-boyfriend and coworker, Kakashi Hatake. Seems he'd gotten better already. Tsunade must be a real miracle worker.

'_Thaaat's not good._' She thought to herself, mentally chanting that he couldn't tell she wasn't Sasuke.

"Morning, Sasuke. Sleep well?" The tall Jounin greeted, his visible eye crinkling.

"Uh-huh, till you came along. What's up, sensei?" Anko thought she had Sasuke's voice and mannerisms down pretty well, especially since he was like her in many respects.

"Not much. I came by to tell you to meet me at the Hokage Tower in a few hours. Seems our new Hokage wants a few words with our team." Aha. I'll have to pass this along...

"Huh. Great... I'll finish up breakfast and meet you there in a bit, Kakashi-sensei."

"Alright. Try not to fall into bed again." He turned and started off, hands in his pockets as usual.

After shutting the door, Anko let out a breath.

"Man... Thought my heart skipped a few times." Shaking her head, she started for the stairs, figuring now would be a good time to wake up Sasuke, when someone started knocking at the door again.

"What, again?" Now fairly annoyed, she pulled the door open, and once again found herself face-to-face with her ex. Only this time...

He was flanked by two Anbu agents, Cat and Otter. Definately not good...

"Yes?"

"I forgot to mention... You'll have to come with me for now. _Anko._"

With her own name ringing in her ears, her final coherent thought that morning was, '_Aww, shit..._'

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I woke up with a yawn, feeling slightly... Uncomfortable. I didn't quite figure why, until I noticed something...

It was cold, and I didn't have that familiar weight on top of me... Anko wasn't in bed.

The very second that realisation kicked in, I was up and on my feet, quickly looking around before my mind was even up to speed.

Her coat and skirt were over there, fishnet lying on the floor... Yep, she's still here. Somewhere.

I pulled on a pair of pants, leaving my room and descending the stairs with a yawn.

Downstairs, I found Kin sitting at the table, eating from a large plate stacked high with breakfast foods, from eggs to sausage, toast and bacon.

"Oy. You make breakfast, Kin?" The brunette shook her head, swallowing the mouthfull she had.

"No, I thought you did, since there were three places set." I blinked.

"Three...? No, I just woke up. Guess Anko made it... You see her?" She shook her head again, and something clicked in my head...

The food was Anko's standard fare for breakfast. A serving plate with dango was there in the center, after all, and the bacon was extra-crispy. But... The food looked cold, as if left out for some while... More than an hour or two.

...She would have woken me right after it was finished, and since there're three spots, she also would've gotten Kin up. And her clothes are still strewn about my room...

*Click*

"Fuck!" I turned, dashing straight for the nearest bathroom, finding it open and empty. up the stairs...

Down the hall, quick, look. Her gear? Still here. Get dressed, get equipped, get ready fro a fight. Sharingan active. Search again, top to bottom...

After a twnety-minute search, I found... Nothing. She wasn't here, but one of the robes kept in my room was missing. I threw all that information together, figuring...

...That somone had either taken her, or she'd ran out the door without her sandals or getting dressed for some reason. More likely she'd been abducted.

Rushign back through the dining room, Kin called, "What's wrong?"

"Anko's gone, yet her things are still here. Too suspicious to ignore. Stay here, see if she returns." And I was out the door, already planning out what to do.

First, the Tower.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Upon my arrival, I found Kakashi waiting in the lobby... Waiting for me, no doubt, from the way he put away his book when I entered.

"Sasuke, you're here early." His tone...

...

Something was off... He doesn't normally sound this... Pleasant. He's usually indifferent, and only sounds like that when something interesting has happened.

Think... Kakashi is Anko's ex. She has done all sorts of nasty little things to get back at him for cheating and leaving, yet he hasn't gotten back her very much... Aside from the banner.

...

He knows... Something. Just what, I intend to find out.

(All that, by the way, was realised in about a second and a half)

"Kakashi. Why were you waiting for me?" Oh-ho. His eye widened a fraction, but he took it in stride.

"Oh? What makes you think I was waiting?"

"Your stance. Your book. And the fact that you put it away the moment I entered the room." The cycloptic Jounin did his eye-smile, rubbing the back of his head.

"Well, I guess you're a lot sharper than I'd anticipated." My eyes narrowed.

"...What did you do?"

"Oh, nothing, really. I stopped by and talked to you this morning, is all."

Stopped by and...

...

Anko. He spoke to her, and now she's...

No one could hold a candle to the speed at which I shunshined right into his face, glaring him in the eye.

"Where. Is. She?"

"I haven't the foggiest idea what you're talking about."

"...I don't care if you're my sensei. If you hurt her... I will not hesitate to _tear you apart." _Though his expression showed no outward change, the look in his eye... He was expecting an attack, thinking up a way to counter whatever I could do.

I turned, dashing straight up the stairs, heading for the Hokage's office. I had to find out just what the fuck is going on around here...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Anko sat at the small steel table, sighing. She should've known her ex would have a really bad sense of humor about his swapped books... And the snake in his bed. She'd been starting to wonder when he'd get even with her, and whether or not he'd actually forgotten the entire incident. But no, now she knew. Vindictive prick.

She was currently sitting in an interrogation room, waiting for someone to come in and start 'questioning' her about her relationship with Sasuke. Though she had a collar on that prevented her from molding chakra, they'd gone the extra mile and slapped shackles on her wrists and ankles, just to make sure.

After another boring five minutes of playing the waiting game, the door to the room finally opened, and in walked her boss and coworker, Ibiki Morino. Also one of her dear friends.

He was carrying two styrofoam cups, one of which he placed before her. It was filled with steaming hot coffee.

"Thanks." She took a sip, relishing the burning warmth as it went down. Fresh ground black with a single sugar, the way she always got it.

"It's nothing." He sat down across from her, drinking from his own cup before addressing her.

"Anko. You know why you're here"

"...Yeah." Lying to him is pointless, since he can always tell.

The big man sighed. "This entire thing is a farce. Everyone knows it, no one cares. It's only a matter of time before you walk out. A single sentence from that boy and you're free... Whoever you pissed off must be one vindictive son of a bitch." Anko snorted a harsh laugh.

"Yeah... He is. And he's probably giggling to himself now, finding this funny as hell."

"Huh. Well, we've got at least a few hours before the paperwork even gets started... Tell me about him."

"Kakashi, or...?"

"The one you're in here for."

She sighed. Ibiki was like an older brother sometimes, worrying about those working for him. "Well... You've met him a few times. He's..."

...And she began to tell her friend all about the young man she found herself falling in love with, whether she intended to or not.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I entered the Hokage's office, and found Tsunade sitting at the desk, boredly looking over several papers. Huh. Guess they'll have the official announcement later...

"Tsunade." She looked up, blinking owlishly.

"Sasuke. What is it?" She set down the files she'd been poring over, likely happy to have a distraction.

"I want to know where Anko Mitarashi is." My tone wasn't the most respectful, but I get the feeling my expression didn't go unnoticed.

"Anko? I don't know. What's going on?"

"She up and vanished this morning, and my sensei had something to do with it."

She pulled up short with whatever reply she had. "...Kakashi? I didn't authorise any arrests, and I don't think Hiruzen did either..."

"Then who- ...The council." ...Fucking lovely.

"...What's going on, Sasuke?"

"Long or short version?"

"Everything I NEED to know."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Roughly ten minutes later...

"...Well, immoral or not, it isn't illegal. Though the paperwork for it is a bitch..." She was currently looking at a stack of papers no less than an inch high, all looking fairly complicated. "And beyond that, they went through with this without informing me."

That fairly annoyed her, obviously. Sarutobi would never stand for such bullshit.

"Tsunade, would you mind calling a council meeting? I get the feeling someone on it needs a flame under their ass." She looked up, and noted that I probably intended to bar-b-que whoever was responsible. She took on that wicked grin that heralded destruction in one's near future.

"...Sure, why not. And send Kakashi in on your way out, would you?" I bowed, thanking her as I went.

"But do leave some of him for me, I owe him some lumps for Anko."

"No promises!"

Exiting, I started down the hallway and stairs, only to find Kakashi sitting on one of the benches in the lobby, still reading.

"Oh sen~sei! The Hokage wants to see you." He looked up, blinking at my mischievous grin.

"Don't keep her waiting, or you'll regret it."

Even as I left to go and wander around for the hour it would take to assemble the collective shinobi leadership, I could hear the yelps of pain coming from my vindictive sensei, as Tsunade beat seven shades of shit out of him.

Heheheheh, oh, you don't mess with someone's lovelife. Especially not someone who's belief is 'No kill like overkill'

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After an hour of waiting, I re-entered the Tower, making my way up to the Hokage's office. She was just exiting, and smiled as I greeted her.

"Oy, Hokage-sama. To the council room, then?"

"Yes, and I did learn a few things from Kakashi... Apparently, you've pissed off a few too many people over the years."

I shrugged. "Fuck 'em. Rule #1 is that you never mess with someone's lovelife to get even with him. So who was it that's getting roasted, today?"

"Hiashi."

I stopped dead in my tracks. That...

THAT SON OF A WHORE!

Even as I vibrated with anger, the blonde woman said, "Oh. I thought that name would be familiar to you. Please don't kill him until I've proven my point."

"...No promises."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Entering the council room, I found the shinobi council present, whereas the civillians weren't here. Oh, good. Ninjas only.

All the clan heads were present, and one in particular... His eyes widened when I walked in, doubly so when I sat down in the seat of the Uchiha clan head.

No one questioned it until Tsunade has sat down.

"Hokage-sama, why is this child here?"

I answered for her. "Because I am the current head of the Uchiha clan, in the abscence of my father and brother. Not to mention, because someone in this room has a bone to pick with me, yet lacked the backbone themselves to challenge me." This was a direct jibe at Hiashi, who remained silent.

Just as a few started to bicker at that, Tsunade interrupted with, "ENOUGH!"

After a few moments' silence...

"I called this meeting to find out who went behind my back and had someone falsely arrested." ...Silence.

"Any takers? I already have a name, but if you don't want this chance to redeem yourself, then so be it." Hiashi was starting to sweat, I think. "Hiashi."

He turned to look her in the eye, just as she made her little announcement. "What do you have to say for yourself? Attempting to enforce the law is one thing; doing so falsely to further your own ends is another."

"Yes, Hiashi; just why exactly did you order Kakashi and the Anbu to arrest her?" I asked, fighting to keep my tone level. I could never do this day in and day out... I'd go nuts and kill half these fuckers within a day.

"An adult having sexual relations with a child is no less illegal than forcing oneself upon another. I was merely looking out for your best interest, Sasuke." ...Even as the honey dripped from his words, the blood drained form his face as my chakra surged.

"...Don't you _dare_ give me that bullshit, Hiashi. All shinobi are adults under the law; and if I didn't consent, do you honestly think she could overpower me without grave injury to herself?" Though I guess this sort of thing isn't exactly out of the ordinairy, since the two sitting next to me didn't so much as flinch.

Although... Shikaku gave me an odd look from the corner of his eye. He was surprised by my chakra levels, I suspect.

"Sasuke." Tsunade said, calmly, with as even a tone as usual.

"Understood, Hokage-sama." Reigning in my anger was... Difficult, but when I finally unclenched my fist, I was no longer overflowing with killing intent. "...If you had some grudge against me, then very well. I don't like you very much, anyway. But when you lash out against Anko just to get to me, we have a problem."

Tsunade addressed him again, likely to distract him form the odds my attacking him. "Hiashi. The arrest was false, and therefore she is to be released immediately."

"Yes, Hokage-sama. But the paperwork for such will take days, if not weeks, to process."

...My eye started twitching again, even as I stood gritting my teeth, and turned to leave. I can't take this bullshit much longer...

"...Sasuke?" Tsunade asked, starting to look slightly worried for what might happen next. She wasn't prepared to deal with a dozen wounded, whining councilors.

"I am leaving before my anger gets the better of me. But know this;" Even as I turned to glare at the assembled council over my shoulder, sharingan flaring. "I have fought, killed, and nearly died for you people, so show some fucking respect. I am getting Anko out _today."_

Just before I could make my exit, Hiashi called, "You can't do anything without going through the proper channels, brat." ...I felt a vein pop in my temple.

"Let me rephrase that; I'm taking her home, _NOW,_ and I will kill anyone who gets in my way. And if you _**EVER**_ do something so spiteful again, Hiashi... I swear, by Jashin, the black flames of Amaterasu will be nothing compared to what I'll do to you."

Threat, badass. Point, made. Idiot? Scared _shitless._

Good enough...

I left the room, taking measured steps all the way to the base of the Tower, where I found Kakashi, still reading, though now looking decidedly rougher than earlier.

"Kakashi." He looked up, saw me, and I swear, his eye widened as he swallowed.

"...Yes, Sasuke?" He knew I was angry. And that I was dangerous when angry.

"Where. Is. Anko? If you lie, I will make what Itachi did look like a slap on the wrist."

"...Anbu headquarters."

I was already out the door.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Not even five minutes, and I was already there, brusquely walking inside, right up to the receptionist.

"Yes?" Same guy, same spiel.

"Anko Mitarashi. I'm escorting her home."

"On whose authority?" Definately the same...

"The Hokage's; the council is trying to slow the process with bureaucratic bullshit. The paperwork will come through as slowly as they can manage."

Even as I turned and moved to the door, he said, "Hey! You can't go back there!"

I turned, giving him the same glare Hiashi had gotten. "...Try and stop me, then. Go ahead... I'm feeling all _murdery..._"

Just before a nice homicide could break out, I had to quickly hop back to keep from getting smacked with the door, as Ibiki leaned out. "Ah, you're here already. Come with me." I blinked. Well. That's a nice change.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I quickly followed just behind the scarred man, figuring he was on my side, since he was a friend of Anko's. It was Ibiki, or so my sharingan told me. I didn't sense anyone else following... Hmm...

If this is a trap, it is one well-laid one.

Anyway. A good twelve minutes of walking, all the way down to the second-to-last level, we entered a corridor filled with steel doors... More cells, I assume. He stopped at one, unlocking the door, holding it open for me.

...Inside, I saw Anko sitting at a table, wearing the missing bathrobe.

...Trap?

Trap.

...Fuck.

I walked inside, expecting it as Ibiki shut the door behind me, though I didn't hear it lock.

She looked up... And her eyes widened.

"Hey. Sorry I'm late." The speed at which she shot over that table and wrapped her arms around me were too fast for even my eyes to track...

"I'm sorry." Though her arms had the strength of ten men, her body still trembled...

I returned her embrace, rubbing slow, calming circles in her back. "It's fine... I'm getting you out of here. I'm sorry I got you sucked into this."

"You didn't know..."

"I should have. You okay?"

"Yeah... Ibiki was the interviewer." She sounded relieved, and so was I. Sadist of not, he was a good guy.

"Ah. Well, thank Kami for small mercies. Hey. I have some good news."

"Oh? What's that?" She had that coy smile of hers again... It did my heart good.

"Kakashi already got his lumps. Tsunade was pissed when I went to find out where you'd been taken." Anko's eyes widened, fairly remembering Tsunade's legendary strength. And temper.

"Well. I guess he looked like a perverted paste when she was done?"

"Close enough. And Hiashi won't ever do something like this again. I made sure of that."

Her brows scrunched up. "Hiashi? HE did this?"

"Mm. But Tsunade's got his balls in a vice, so I wouldn't worry too much about it... He ever steps out of line, he'll find himself with two Sannin breathing down his neck."

"Hm."

After anothe rmoment, we heard the door opening.

"Ibiki." I turned, facing the bear of a man with a bow. "Thank you."

"Just doing my job. You already know I can't allow her to leave without the proper authority..."

"Then I'm not leaving. Not without her." His expression never changed... He expected this?

"I can't allow that, either. However... It's not uncommon for me to forget to lock one of the doors, every now and again. Oh, damn." He plucked a single key from his pocket, dropping it on the floor, before looking at his wrist.(He wasn't wearing a watch) "I seem to have lost a key. Well, would you look at the time? I'll have to be going, now. Good day."

...Then he turned and walked out, leaving the door open, whistling as he called back, "The secretary goes on break in five minutes!"

...

I turned back to Anko. "Did I ever mention you have a great boss?"

"No, but now that you mention it..."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Later that day...**

Tsunade barged into the Anbu headquarters, marching right up to the secretary.

"Take me to the cell holding Anko Mitarashi."

He was about to respond, when the right-side doors opened, and Ibiki leaned out.

"Hokage-sama, right this way."

She followed the big man all the way down, right to the door of Anko's cell. As he pulled it open and she looked inside, all she saw was...

A table and two chairs. Resting on that table, were shackles, a collar, and a key.

"...What is the meaning of this?" She glowered, turning to glare at the head of T&I.

"Hm? Oh, dear, it seems my habit has struck again. You see, every now and again, I forget to lock the door behind me. Oh, look, it's the key I lost earlier today. What a coincidence."

Tsunade blinked owlishly at his purposefully terrible acting. Then she smiled. "Well, it seems I won't have to hire a new head interrogator after all. Would you mind filing this prisoner release form, for me?"

She handed him a small stack of papers, which quickly disappeared into the folds of his trench coat.

"Of course, madame Hokage."

"Thank you for your cooperation, Ibiki."

"Anytime."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Over sixteen THOUSAND views! And over seventy reviews! Awesomesauce! **_


	36. Chapter 36 FIRST MOVIE!

**Naruto; What If**

**Fifth Arc; Golden Age**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 36 - Cold as Ice, Baby

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**UPDATED AS OF 3/12/13!**

It was early morning...

I awoke with a yawn, gently caressing my bed-mate's violet locks as she doozed atop my chisled pecs.(...Admittedly, they weren't quite chisled, but there's no need to tell HER that)

Ah... Another day, another pain in my ass.

What to do, first...

Have to go and see Tsunade, find out what our missions for today are...

Should probably have a quick bite to eat before that...

Hmm... Heard there was some new movie out in theatres today... Wonder if Naru and Saku would wanna see that?

Ahh... Decisions, decisions, decisions...

Before I could come to one, Anko stirred, lifting her head and moving up for our morning liplock.

After catching our breath, she asked, "So, what have you got in mind for today?"

"Breakfast, chores, then see about that new movie... My teammates are probably bored out of their skulls, these days. You got anything planned?"

"Unfortunately... I've got a B-rank mission that starts today. I'm supposed to fill in for some poor squad's out-of-commission sensei. Not sure which one, though." Hm.

"Lovely... Well, we'd better get started."

"Mmhm..."

After our morning session, we both waddled down the stairs and found Kin already munching on a bowl of cereal.

"Mornin' Kin."

"Hn." She grunted a reply, as her mouth was full.

After I got to the kitchen and set about making myself and my girlfriend something quick and delicious,(See; cold cereal) we ate quickly and left, leaving Kin to do as she liked for another day.

...Freeloader.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I walked down the streets of Konoha, heading in the general direction of the Hokage Tower, and soon met up with Naruto, who was waking the same way.

"Morning, Sasuke."

"Oy, Naruto. Y'know what we're supposed to do today?"

"Nope. I figured Tsunade-baachan had something planned."

"Great... Heard there's some new movie out today. Wanna check that out after we're through with today's chores- I mean, missions?" He shrugged.

"Sounds like a plan. Think Sakura-chan will want to come along?"

"Probably. You gonna go and get Hinata?"

He shook his head with a solemn frown. "No, her team is leaving on a mission this morning. She said they won't be back for two days."

Ouch. "Well, look on the bright side. Now you get to experience masturbation again!"

...He leveled a glare at me that would make Danzo flinch.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We walked on for a bit longer before we met Sakura coming out of her house.

"Good morning Sasuke, Naruto." She greeted, seeming just a little more upbeat than usual.

"Oy, Pinky."

"Morning, Sakura-chan."

Our traditional morning greetings, usually followed by our sensei showing up and trying to look cool.

...Two hours late.

Anyway.

The three of us walked on towards the Tower, making small talk along the way.

"Have you two heard about the new movie?" Sakura asked.

"Aye, we were going to go see it after today's missions."

"Yeah, you coming with us, Sakura-chan?"

She nodded, replying, "Sure. It's the new Princess Gale movie, isn't it?"

Naruto nodded, and the two of them began gushing over their favorite characters. Me? Nah, I was more preoccupied with trying to remember what episode this was...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We got to the Tower, walking inside and made our way to the Hokage's office. Instead of assignign us our mission...

"The client isn't ready, yet. Come back in two or three hours. In fact... Why don't the three of you go and see that new movie that came out? Let me know if it's any good." The old blonde was basically telling us go and goof off?

...

What the hell...? Is this movie the equivalent of The Ring, or something? Eesh.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, we went to the theatre, got tickets,(Out of my pocket, since apparently, I'm Kakashi whenever he isn't around...) and went in to the the eight thirty showing. Since chairs are for chumps, the three of us walked up the walls and sat on the ceiling, clinging to it using chakra. That way we'd get some training while we watched the movie.

Now... Of course, Naruto being Naruto, he got real into the movie. He was a bit of a dork, when all's said and done, but he had a good heart.

"Watch out, Princess! Behind you!"

...We only had to get glared at once before I clocked him over the head. Anyway.

The movie wasn't bad... Fight scenes sucked, and it had some hammy acting, but still. A good piece of work. Worth the 150 ryo to get in, anyway.

Y'know what really sucked? Since we were on the ceiling...

We couldn't have popcorn! Damnit, and not even a single snocap...

Motherfucker.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After the movie, we left, sitting around outside to wait the last half hour under one of the billboards for said movie. While we sat there, Sakura gushed about of the actors, and Naruto sighed about wanting a princess to protect.

...I figured I'd remind him that Hinata is the princess of the Hyuuga soon enough. Now...

After I was no longer upside-down, I vaguely remember this... Sitting around, waiting for something to happen...

But what?

"...Why do you guys think Tsunade-sama told us to go see this movie?"

Naruto shrugged, and quite suddenly...

*Cloppity-cloppity-cloppity...*

We heard something in the distance...

"Uhh... Did you guys hear that?"

I nodded, already on my feet, checking my gear. I was good to go.

Before either of them could react, A woman on a white horse jumped the wooden fence next to us, hauling ass down the alley on our other side.

"...The fuck?" I asked, blinking.

"No way... Was that the princess?!" Sakura was flabberghasted, but then...

"Move!" I dived, tucked and rolled out of the way of the wooden gate that suddenly flew open, which Naruto barely avoided as dozens of armored soldiers rode through on horseback, tear-assing after the woman on horseback.

"Rrrrgh... You..." Naruto and Sakura were both growling as they got to their feet, and I gave them both a nod.

"Let's show these punks not to fuck around in our village. Naruto, take the rooftops and provide overwatch. Sakura, play decoy. I'll get the leader."

They nodded, and we were off.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Don't you just _love it_ when a plan comes together? As Naruto shredded a net meant for the woman, I carefully followed the guy wearing robes and sunglasses... He was giving orders.

Sakura used a transformation and one of my shadow clones to look like the woman in question, tricking the entire mob to follow her while Naruto carefully lead the actual woman along a different route. Very simple, yet exceptionally effective.

Anyway. When Sakura got dogpiled by a half-dozen or so armored soldiers, I took that as my que.

"We've finally got you, princess..." The sunglasses-wearing guy said, just as I sunshined right onto the back of his horse, placing a heavy hand on top of his head.

"Yo. So, mind telling me just who the fuck you guys are, before I turn you into a newt?"

I could tell, he was blinking, wondering how I'd gotten there. Just then...

The 'princess' they'd captured, turne dback into Sakura.

A very _pissed-off_ Sakura.

"Grrraaaaagh!"

...After a very brief, very violent episode, many of the armored dorks were now tied up, their faces turned disturbing shades of black and blue. I had custody of their leader, and had him on the ground by the neck.

"Please answer my questions before I get angry. Who the hell are you?"

Quite suddenly...

"What on earth are you guys _doing?_" A new voice asked, and we looked up to see Kakashi standing before us with one of his arms in a sling.

"Oh, just killing time..."

Our sensei vanished, and reappeared next to me, calmly pulling the guy I had on the ground to his feet. All the ropes we'd binded the goons with were neatly sliced...

Huh.

"I'm very sorry, sir. They haven't been informed of their mission yet, and..."

"Oh, no, it's quite alright. I can see why they thought we weren't of good intentions."

Sakura blinked, and asked, "Kakashi-sensei, just who are these guys?"

"Sakura, this is the gentleman who hired us." ...And then it clicked.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We followed Kakashi back to the Tower, while the goons and their employer returned to whereever they were staying. Some warehouse of something.

Anyway.

We got to the tower, and I was wondering where Naruto was, but Kakashi kinda brushed it aside. Not sure why, but I guess he wasn't feeling very talkative with me, anyway. Prick got lucky that I was in a rush, or we'd've found out just whether or not I was on par with him...

Ahem. We entered the Hokage's office, and Kakashi simply bowed, turned, and left.

"Uh... Hokage-sama, is Kakashi-sensei accompanying us on our mission?"

She shook her head. "No. His injuries will prevent him from being in top form, so he'll be sitting this one out. Instead, you'll have a substitute Jounin-sensei along for the ride."

Sakura blinked. "Um, who-" Just then... The door opened, and in walked Anko.

"You called, Hokage-sama?" The purple-haired Jounin asked, slight curiosity in her tone.

"Ah, you're here. Perfect timing. You'll be substituting for Kakashi."

Anko blinked. "Uhh..."

"I expect you to remain professional. Your mission, is to escort Yukia Fujikaze, the actress best known for her role as Princess Gale, during the filming of her next movie. You'll be going to Yuni no Kuni, so prepare accordingly."

I was putting all this together in my head, when I heard someone's jaw hit the floor.

"W-what?! The land of snow? But, Hokage-sama, I-"

"Enough. I'll hear no excuses, since Kakashi's condition is your fault. If you're concerned about the climate, then pack heavy. That's all I'm going to say. Your client is in warehouse 4. Now get going, you're all dismissed."

...Her tone brokered no discussion, and Anko hung her head, trudging out with all the enthusiasm of someone heading to the gallows.

...Right...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I stopped back home, packing up several things I would need fo such an expedition. Heavy clothes, an extra blanket and sleeping bag, heavy winter gear, my thicker boots, another cloak, extra rations, fire starting stuff, ect. Most of this went into a scroll, that went into one of my pouches. Then I snagged my travelling rucksack, slung that over my shoulder, and was on my way out, when I remembered Kin.

"Oy, Kin!" Her head popped out from around the corner of the living room.

"Huh?"

"I'm going on a mission to Yuki no Kuni, probably won't be back for a week or so. Grocery money's on the table, as well as a little something to go out and get yourself new clothes. Don't burn the house down, please!" ...And I was gone.

Time to move out.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I arrived at the warehouse, shortly followed by Sakura. We stood at the door for a few moments, before I heard familiar grumbling in the distance...

I turned and glanced in that direction, and saw Anko stomping along, a heavy pack on her back and several layers of thick winter clothing on her body. Heheh, I guess she really doesn't like the cold.

When she got up to us, I said, "So, not looking forward to a bit of fun in the snow, eh?"

"Fuck. You." I chuckled at her irritation.

"Heheh, I'll take that as a no. C'mon, let's go and mee tour client." Sakura pushed the door open, and the three of us walked inside, looking around for the guy with sunglasses.

We found him, talking with some old guy smoking a pipe. When we got within earshot, he turned to us, running right up into our faces.

"Have you seen Miss Fujikaze? She hasn't shown up since running off!"

I blinked. "Uh... Okay... Naruto was looking after her, so... Any idea where she'd go?"

He blinked, then sighed, rubbing his temples.

"I need the location of every bar in the village."

Anko and I looked ta each other.

"...I think I know where she is."

Anko lead us to a small dive in some back alley. It wasn't crowded... Probably never was or will be.

Inside, I saw that woman again, sitting at the bar, drinking sake. Next to her, looking fairly annoyed, was Naruto. ...I though I saw several splinters in his hair. Heh, wonder if she beaned him with a 2x4?

Well, we entered, and the old guy ran up and started pleading with the broad, while Naruto harumphed and grumbled. I sidled up to him and said, "Er, Naruto, we're gonna have to go with them to the land of snow. You might wanna run back home and pack up a few things."

He blinked, saw Anko wearing a ton of clothing, and then hauled ass out of there, just as Yukia passed out.

...Huh.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

What's his face, Mr. Sangaiyu, had myself and Anko carry Yukia back to the boat we were taking to Yuki no Kuni. They were going to leave the moment she was on board, but a few choice words from myself and Anko forced them to delay our departure for a few minutes.

When the blonde showed up, he had a huge pack and Samehada on his back, and right after they pulled up the gangplank, we were underway.

They had two small cabins for us shinobi to occupy for the trip, which I thought was fairly generous with how small the ship was. Anyway.

On board, Naruto cast a glance at Anko before giving me a hard stare. "You had something to do with this, didn't you."

I shrugged. "Not this time. Kakashi's got a busted arm, and since Anko busted it, she's filling in for him. Probably since she's the only available Jounin, and we're the only team ready to take on a mission. But hey, I won't look good fortune in the mouth, ya?" Grinning, I noticed that his expression was... Less than enthused.

"...Just make sure you two are actually doing your jobs. And don't rock the boat too much tonight!" Good old Naruto.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After settling in, there was a strange confusion in the air. "Uh, Anko-sensei, didn't they give us two cabins to seperate the boys from the girls?"

Knowing Anko...

"Oh no, not at all. It's to seperate the sensei from the students. So go on, you're bedding down with your teammates." ...Quite suddenly, Sakura's sour gaze was upon me.

"...So THAT'S what you meant when you said she was 'older.' " Oh. She figured it out already? Holy crap.

...I couldn't help sweatdropping as Sakura facepalmed, and Anko blushed. "Fine, I won't say anything, but if you two keep me up late, I'll throw you both over the side."

Anko and I shared a look as Sakura walked out, shaking her head.

"So... Am I the only one in complete shock over this?"

My girlfriend shook her head. "Not at all... I was expecting her to throw a fit."

We both shrugged. "Well, I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth."

She smiled. "You got that right. C'mere!"

...And, unfortunately for Naruto, we rocked that boat thoughout the night.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

The next day, we were up and about, helping the crew with construction of the set. Naruto and I created dozens of shadow clones, which were able to complete tasks that took hours, in mere minutes. Anko spent much of her time shivering in her parka, sipping from a thermos of hot chocolate. It was a bit chilly out, I admit, but it didn't bother me in the slightest. Then again, I was wearing gloves, boots, and a thick winter cloak.(It was oversized and arctic camoflaged, too, making me nearly invisible in the snow)

After we'd finished construction, our team sat back and watching the filming as it progressed. I sidled up to Anko and wrapped an arm around her, pulling her in and under my cloak.

I think she appreciated it, judging from her smile and the way she snaked an arm around my waist, coming as close as possible without looking too much like a couple.

Naruto and Sakura both sent us looks, but Naruto's was more of a heartwarming gesture, whereas Sakura's basically said, '_No hanky-panky in public._'

We weren't planning any of that anyway, but we probably couldn't gotten away with it. After all, both our bodies were engulfed in my cloak.(It would've fit Ibiki's frame perfectly, but for me I had to triple-wrap the bit around my neck and face)

It took a good few minutes, but Anko eventually stopped shivering, cuddling herself closer to me. Heh, I probably looked like the good student, the one who cared for his ailing sensei.

That, or a womaniser who was lusting after his sensei. Eh, either way. They were both right.

The day was spent shooting two scenes over and over, until Yukia got it perfect. Her friend/manager was right; she was a born actress.

After it ended, we all got a bit to eat in the galley, before bunking down for the night.

...At least this time, we remembered the sound-suppressing seals.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"**MISTER BOUKINO! WE'RE GOT A PROBLEM!"**

I was jarred awake by a shout that shook the entire ship, instinctively rolling out of-

*THUMPK!*

...Ow. Bed.

"...That really hurt, y'know..." Incidentally, I took Anko with me, and she was still under me.

...I just now noticed something... A very warm, wet feeling engulfing my-

...Oh. OH!

We were, ah, still connected. We'd fallen asleep like that only a few hours ago... Man, my balls were sore.

"Sorry... Ah, could you...?"

"Yeah, lemme just-"

"Ooh! Oh... Ohh... Yeah... "

"Ah... Right there..."

*Sla-BANG!*

We both gave a start as our door flew open, and in the doorway, stood Sakura. "Would you two quit screwing around? Something's wrong."

"Er, right. We were trying not to, and..."

"Yeah, y'see..."

She interrupted our half-assed excuses. "Whatever. Just get up and keep it in your pants..."

"Right."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Welp, accidental morning session interrupted, we both got military and dressed in under a minute. Mostly because we knew thta is we started ogling each other, we'd start up again, and next time, Sakura would probably follow through on her threat.

Anyway.

Out on deck, the entire crew was looking sleepy, most of them in their pajamas. Ahead of the group was the director and his first mate, or whatever his role is. He was whining to the director about the massive iceberg in front of the ship, which seemed to have appeared overnight.

Then the director began shouting about how great this was, and how he was changing everything.

...Man, he's really good at his job, but he's sure got some huge-ass bunny ears...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

It took a few minutes for us to dock and drop anchor, and then several more to unload everything we needed for the shoot. Eesh, I would've minded so much if not for the fact that Anko was clinging to me as if her life depended on it, her teeth chattering loud enough to echo. Normally this wouldn't be a bad thing, since her breasts would be comfrotably pressed against my side, but I was trying to remain professional, and that's very difficult when I've got her lovely assets pressed against my side.

...

Yes, that makes me a hypocrite. What of it?

Anyway...

They started filming, and as the scene was starting to play out, I noticed something...

The hair on the back of my neck was on end. My instincts were warning me...

Something was wrong... But what...

I surged my chakra, sctivating my sharingan as I looked around us...

Wait... Up there...

Near the top of the iceberg, there was something... It reflected the light, if only a little...

Like...

Like steel.

"Anko." One word, and she immediately stopped shivering, before taking a glance at what I'd been looking at.

"...Think that's...?"

"Yes." She nodded, disengaging herself from me, looking around the area...

Just as the scene they were filming was just about to really take off, movement up top caught my attention. So it seems there was someone up there after all... And if they were spying on us... They weren't friendly.

Just what were they...

A slight reflection of the sunlight shined for an instant, and I went with my first instinct.

"HOSTILES!" In an instant, I was in front of our priority client, hurling a kunai with an explosive tag straight where that reflection had been. I remember this...

But just... Where?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

As the explosive impacted the ice and detonated, Anko shouted to the civillians, "EVERYONE! Back on the ship! Move!"

The film crew was stunned, staring at us ninjas as we scurried about, searching for our enemies.

_"Ha ha ha! Impressive..." _A vice sounded, seemingly from everywhere...

Right where the tag had hit, a figure emerged from the snow...

"Friends... Welcome, to the land of snow." Bah, what a ham.

Nearby atop a mountain of ice, a second figure appeared. "Greetings, princess Koyuki... I do hope you've brought the hex crystal." This one was far more feminine.

Koyuki...? Bah, it means bunk to me. If they're here for something, then they're simple targets. Nothing more, nothing less.

Fuck 'em.

A third, massive figure emerged from the snow on my far right; a bear of a man. "Hah! A mere child... Nadarei! You're getting sloppy."

Hmm... Three targets, all shinobi, wearing hitai-ate of Yuki no Kuni. And all of them were wearing some kind of armor... It radiated with chakra.

Hmph. Not good.

As the central enemy, probably the leader, began giving orders, I shouted to my team. "TEAM! PLAN DELTA!" Two protect the client... Whereas I'll be doing my best to tear the enemy apart, and the other switches in between.

Naruto and Sakura both stood next to Yukia, or Koyuki, whichever was her real name, while I rushed right for the enemy leader...

Anko was off to intercept the enemy kunoichi, leaving fatso for Naru and Saku. Hmph. Good enough.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

As I ran up the wall of ice, I ran into Nadarei.

"So... A whelp of the Uchiha. Must be my lucky day..."

I chuckled, low and throaty. "Really...? You must be a masochist then. Hope you've enjoyed your time here in the cold... 'Cuz I hear hell is mighty warm."

My hands came together, as I summoned a dozen shadow clones, dashing right for the bastard, drawing my sword.

He flicked through handseals, backflipping as he shouted, "Ice style! Dragon versus tiger!"

And just behind him... Appeared a massive column of ice, in the visage of a tiger as it roared, and descended upon me.

In the instant that followed, my chakra surged, and my hands moved faster than I could imagine, relying simply on muscle memory.

"Chidori!"

That palm-sized ball of pure lightning formed in my hand, outstretched as I leapt straight into that tiger's maw...

...And went straight through it. Everything touched by that power melted and divided, as I flew through it like a white-hot knife through butter.

By the time I went all the way through and touched down again, my clones were upon my enemy. He dispelled two, but was having difficulty fighting the rest. Hmm...

Now.

I shunshined, landing just behind him, sword raised, as I brought it down and neatly carved him in two.

...

Substitution.. Ice clone. Dropping to the ground,I kicked my leg back, catching the bastard right on the chin just as he was about to hit me from behind.

"Kuh... Not bad, brat."

"Feh... You think that's good..." Channel it... Focus...

I surged my chakra, taking my stance, forcing it to dance through my arms, down my blade...

My sword crackled with lightning-nature chakra, just as Nadarei's eyes narrowed.

"Hmph... You're as bad as Kakashi. But you don't seem to have mastered the use of those eyes your clan is so famous for."

Oh...? He's fought sensei?

I smirked, just as I shunshined and swung. He just barely dodged, my extended reach landing a shallow scratch on his left gauntlet.

"If you think fighting Kakashi was difficult.. Then you don't stand a chance." In the two seconds it took him to comprehend that statement, my plan came to fruition. Three of my clones had hidden themselves in the ice, two of which suddenly burst through, grabbing his ankles, while the third came up, slicing a deep gash in his leg before he was able to get away.

"...Hmph. You can't just give up and go away? I mean, I can do this all day..."

His eyes narrowed again, but before he could respond, I heard fighting down below.

A quick glance...

Naruto was fine, Samehada in hand, but Sakura had gotten thrown around like a ragdoll. Man, I do not have time for this...

Anko had fended off the enemy kunoichi, and was moving to assist the other two. The princess was still on the ground, looking shaken, while her toady was next to her.

Shiiiit...

When my gaze turned back to Nadarei, he was- FUCK!

I barely had time to lean back, his kunai slicing a thin line across my cheek...

Up... Over... Grab, draw, stab.

All in a heartbeat, but in that eyeblink of time, I had immobilised his arm, drew my knife, and stabbed him in the gut. Not fatal, but very painful.

I gave him a kick in the gut to springboard myself off the ledge, flipping myself over, sticking myself to the ice wall as I slid down, ending that ride by kicking off and using my momentum to land a mighty kick to the fat bastard's face before he could finish off Sakura.

As he hit the ground and slid, Anko landed next to Naruto, effortlessly picking up the princess as Naruto grabbed the old guy.

Good, they knew.

I grabbed a fistfull of Sakura's shirt, pulling her up as I hauled ass towards the ship.

"Argh... Where do you think you're going?! Ice style! White whale jutsu!" The enemy leader yelled behind us, just as-

Holy...

Under our feet, the ice cracked and split, a massive whale of ice flying overhead, bellyfloping through the entie iceberg, leaving a massive, eighty foot gap between us, and the ship. Great...

"Over the water! Move move move!" Naruto and Anko were both already on the water, running across it as fast as their legs could carry them.

I was close behind, forming a half-assed seal. "Shadow clone jutsu! Delay them!"

My half-dozen clones nodded in uniformity, rushing towards the enemy with the intent of delaying them. In that respect, three of them formed handseals, using fireballs to create a wall of impassible flame for a few moments... The other three were engaging the snow ninjas in hand-to-hand.

Good enough...

If there's one good thing about the enemy having that armor, it was heavy and made pursuit difficult. They won't chase us, I hope. At least, not until we have time to prepare...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Back on the ship, I dumped my charge on the floor, giving her a once over. Sakura had a slight knot on her head, but nothing serious. She'd be fine.

With a sigh, I lifted her into my arms and carried her down below deck, leaving her in her rack to sleep it off. After that...

I returned topside, looking back to where the enemy was... The three of them were still standing on the ice, staring at us as we faded away into the horizon... Hmph.

Turning, I looked around the ship for Naruto and Anko, finding the blonde boy leaning against a wall, looking irritated.

"Naruto. You alright?"

He looked up, and smiled. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just who were those guys?" I shrugged.

"Dunno. They're after Yukia, or Koyuki, or whatever she calls herself. That and something called the hex crystal... Whatever the bloody hell that is. I intend to find out the moment she wakes up." He nodded, frowning again.

"Is Sakura alright?"

"She should be fine, I think. They just knocked her over the head, so hopefully she'll be back up and pissed in a few hours." Just then, the door below opened, and out walked Sakura, grumbling as she rubbed the back of her head.

"Oh. Well, speak of the devil. You feeling alright?" She nodded, still rubbing her sore noggin.

"Yeah, just a killer headache. Do either of you know who-"

"NO." Both Naruto and I said together, making her blink.

"We were just brainstorming who they were. Ninjas of Yuki no Kuni, and they were after Yukia/Koyuki, along with something called the hex crystal. At least one of those three ninjas was a Jounin, Nadarei. I didn't catch the others' names, but what rank would you guys guess they were?"

Sakura frowned, holding her chin in one of her 'thinking' poses. "...High Chuunin, I think, but their chakra levels were those of Jounin. I think it had something to do with their armor." I nodded.

"I was thinking the same thing. Either way, they're dangerous in this terrain. They specialize in ice jutsu. Either of you see Anko?"

...Both Naruto and Sakura shared a look. It was kindof Sardonic, as if they were thinking, _'Here we go again...'_

...? Huh.

"...Yeah, I think I saw her heading into her cabin." Naruto said, sounding like he was deciding whether or not to tell the whole truth...

"...Okay... Thanks. I'll see you guys in a bit. Oh, and if you can, corner the old guy and find out what he knows. He's hiding something." As I walked inside, I heard both Naruto and Sakura having a very quiet discussion...

Not sure what it was about, but whatever.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Down below deck, I made my way to the cabin Anko and I had shared, and inside, I found her. Curled up in bed, shivering for all she was worth.

...So that's what they meant.

Sigh...

I removed my cloak, then my gear, my armor, my weapons... Dropping them to the floor to dry, they were closely followed by my soaked clothes. I'd let them dry for awhile, maybe change over to one of my spare outfits. That done, I crawled into bed, snuggling up my my chilled, frostbitten girlfriend, holding her close.

"...H-h-heh-ey..." She was still shivering, still shaking.

"Mm... You keep chattering your teeth, you'll bite your tongue. You okay?"

"N-n-n-no-o...T-too c-c-c-c-cooold..." Even huddled up like this, several blankets over us, her body was still cool to the touch...

Damnit...

I sighed, building up more chakra, though the effort of it was taxing... I'd used up quite a bit fighting those bastards. Channeling natured chakra through my weapon was more difficult than I'd first thought it would be... It bled off too much energy for me to use effectively yet.

Within moments, I could feel Anko's shivering slow, then stop, as her body warmed up even more. After a few minutes she opened her eyes, smiling as she kissed me.

"Thank you."

"It's what I do... Are you going to be alright?"

"So long as I warm up every couple of hours..."

...

No objections here, but...

"...Why are you so adverse to cold? At first I thought you just didn't like it, but..."

She was silent for a solid minute...

"...This seal." She touched her shoulder, where her curse seal was. "It changed me... Made me more like... Him. Now I'm akin to a snake, and just as vulnerable to low temperatures."

Aha...

"That explains a few things... Hey. Let me warm you up..." Our lips touched, as my hand drifted further, and further down...

"Mm... You sure about that...? The others are probably expecting you."

"Fuck 'em."

She chuckled, wrapping her arms around the back of my neck, pulling me closer.

"Shouldn't that be fuck me?"

Touche.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Two hours later...**

After we finished and she was sufficiently warm, or filled with my warmth, as she so coyly stated, we both dressed and walked out, right into the crossfire.

Naruto stood there outside our door with a smirk, as he turned to Sakura and held out his hand "Told you so. Pay up."

The pinkette scowled, grumbling as she fished her wallet out of her bag, handing him a wad of ryo notes.

Huh...?

Wait.

...Oh. Well, fuck. "...Nice to see someone's having fun betting on my lovelife."

Naruto chuckled as he counted the money she'd given him. "Oh, just taking advantage of her generosity."

...More like making money hand over fist.

Anko had facepalmed, shaking her head. '_I should have known better..._'

"Well, antics aside... Did you two find out anything from the old man? Sandaiyu, or whatever his name is?"

Naruto nodded. "A lot... You're gonna wanna hear it from him."

"Lovely... Has little miss priss woken up yet?"

Both of them shook their heads. "Good. Gives me time to plan. Anko, you got anything to add?"

"Yeah... Those ninjas were a cohesive unit from a village. This is a B-rank mission, and fighting Jounin isn't what we're prepared for. And it definately isn't what we're being paid for. Any of you feel like turning back?"

All three of us shook our heads, and Anko sighed. "Well, I tried. Let's go see what the hell he has to say about all that." And we turned, looking to find our client and gave him a piece of our minds...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We found and cornered the old guy just outside of the princess' cabin, at which point Anko put on her cheerful 'I will maim you if you lie to me' face, and threw him up against the wall.

"Hello, mister Sangaiyu. Would you mind answering a few questions?"

...Seeing as he had four ninjas surrounding him, none of them looking exactly friendly, he didn't have much choice.

"...Very well. What is it you wish to know?"

"First of all, who are we really guarding? Second, why are Snow ninjas after her, and third, what is it they really want?" I summed all that up lickity-split.

"...Princess Koyuki Kazehana, heir to the throne of Yuki no Kuni." All four of us blinked.

Then exchanged looks, having an _entire _conversation in complete silence.

"_Princess? Wha?_" Sakura.

"_That explains the Snow ninjas..._" Anko.

"_And the secrecy..._" Myself.

"_SHE'S A REAL PRINCESS?!_" ...You don't need to be told whose expressions said this.

"_SHUT UP, DOBE!_" Because the other three of us shouted at his dumb ass.

...In silence.

Sandaiyu simply blinked, and watched as we bickered on without saying a word.

Until... "Ahem."

We all looked at him, four piercing stares on his person.

"Yes?" And we all spoke as one, just to up the ante on the creepiness factor.

"Your second question?"

"Right. Go on."

"The Snow ninjas are followers of Doto... He is the brother to Yuki no Kuni's last lord. He masterminded a coup de'tat ten years ago, killing his brother and taking the throne for himself. He had attempted to kill everyone, even the princess, but... I found out sometime later that she survived."

We took all that in, drawing our conclusions...

"...In other words, you're apart of whatever resistance remains, and you believe that having your princess back will help bring you victory over Doto. Lovely. Ladies, we've just stepped into one royal pile of shit." Anko summed it up, wrapping it all in a nice bright pink bow.

I cut in with what was bothering me personally. "But what is it Doto wants? If he'd been trying to kill Koyuki, he likely would have succeeded this time. They were instead trying to capture her alive... Why?"

The old man was quiet for a time... "If you don't tell me, I'll drag it out of the girl myself." I warned, my tone brokering no arguement.

"...The last treasure of the Kazehana clan. The hex crystal."

My team shared another look. "Alright, I'll bite... What is it?"

"The necklace she wears... It unlocks the hidden treasure of the Kazehana. Even I don't know exactly what it is, but... Doto will do anything to get his hands on it."

Her necklace.. That tacky thing? Huh. Well, I wonder if I should...

Heheh. Now... What would Kakashi do in this situation...?

Bait and switch.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Keep him here. I'm going to confirm this information..." I left old Sandaiyu in my team's loving care,(Particularly Anko's) and strolled into the princess' cabin, silently gliding over to ther dresser by her bed. On it, sat her necklace... The hex crystal, or whatever it was.

I stared hard at the girl, trying to find any signs of her feigning sleep...

None. Even breathing, no eye movement, no tense muscles. Hm.

I gently picked up the crystal, activating my sharingan and giving it a careful inspection...

After a full minute, I placed it in my pouch and retrieved a small glass phile... A stink bomb. After carefully threading a bit of cord through it, I formed a handseal and concentrated on the image I had of the crystal...

Within moments, I felt the henge take form, changing the practical joke into the item that woman treasured. Heheheheheheh... Oh, if Doto ever gets his hands on it, he is going to be pissed. I carefully set it down where it had been before, turning and silently walking towards the door, when I heard a soft voice call out.

"Wait."

I stopped. Hm? Had she been awake...?

Turning, I cast a baleful eye towards my charge... She was sitting up, glaring at my back.

"Yes...?"

"You're one of those ninja... Why are you in here?"

"...Simply making sure you hadn't swallowed your tongue... Or a knife. Go back to sleep, someone will fetch you when we reach land, Koyuki."

I made to leave, just before she could jump up and grab me.

Man... I've really got rotten luck with women, ne?

After shutting the door, I found my team still keeping Sandaiyu from moving.

"Sakura, gather the director and head of the film crew in the galley. We need to tell them what's going on." The pinkette nodded, turning to set about her task.

Naruto and Anko were both already moving towards the galley, pulling Sandaiyu along for the ride.

Well... This is going to be a pain in the ass.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After the old man explained what had happened, along with profusely apologising for his deception, the director okay'd the continuation of the film, taking it as the greatest opportunity to make a movie with a real princess, the 'princess' in question showed up.

Cue the old man toadying to her, begging her return to her people, and lead them to prosperity.

...She declined. Not very politely.

And then Naruto jumped to his feet, spewing something inspiring about never giving up, that Doto is as human as anyone, that there is no fate, we don't know until we try, that sorta thing.

He really doesn't know when to give it a rest... Therapy no jutsu, or Guilt-Trip no jutsu?

I can't tell which.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Some few hours later, we made landfall, disembarking the ship and loading up into motorized sled-cars. Pretty neat, they were. Kinda reminded me of riding a train.

Anyway. In our car, Sandaiyu remarked something about railroad tracks being buried under layers of ice, as Naruto stared hard out the window. We'd just made a pit-stop so several of us could go and take a piss, which was rather dangerous. It fucking froze halfway up the stream! I nearly had a dickcicle!

...Though it wouldn't be so bad, truth be told. Pretty sure Anko would warm me up and melt away the ice... With her mouth, that is.

But, ah, ahem. Anyway. After passing through a cave, we stopped just on the other side of it, our convoy setting up for another filming just then...

One of the film crew ran up to the director, shouting about a problem.

...Another one.

Turns out, our princess scurried off on her own, intending to run away again...

Ugh, great.

"Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura! Spread out and search! Radio in if you find her!" Anko shouted, taking off on her own, hypothermia be damned. We all hpped down the cliffside, ready to go find Koyuki, when I thought,

'_Wait... I'd better leave a clone here in case something happens._' So my shadow clone stood next to the cave, keeping an eye on the film crew. It would be better than nothing.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I spent half an hour scouring the area, when my clone dispelled, showing me...

That the rails had been thawed out by chakra.

Shit. Not good.

I hauled ass back, shunshining half-kilometres at a time, skidding to a stop just outside the cave.

I could hear... Something inside...

_"...mn... om on... come on..." _...Is that... Naruto?

"Come on... Come on... _Come on, come on, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon! COME ON COME ON COME ON MOTHERFUCKER! CATCH ME IF YOU CAN!" _

...The fuck? WHOA!

I had to very quickly dive aside, as a bright light appeared in the cave, rounding a corner, moving fast!

...Ahead of it, was a silhouette...

When I hit the snow and looked up, I saw Naruto dive out of the cave and to the side, Koyuki holding tightly to his back. Not a second later, a massive train whooshed by, moving faster than I'd thought possible.

After a moment, I sat up and got to my feet, walking over to where Naruto was lying on the ground, panting.

"Oy, Naruto." He opened his eyes, staring up at me. "What're you doing sleeping on the job? C'mon, we've got work to do."

He nodded, grinning, putting his hand up. I took it, pulling my friend to his feet, just before he did the same for the princess.

Not a hundred metres away from us, the train had come to a dead stop, and on the end of it...

Stood a bear of a man with a lined face, and shoulder-length hair. ...Huh. Judging by the fancy kimono... He must be Doto... Doesn't look like much to me. I activated my sharingan, taking a closer-

But... Whoa...

His chakra was immense, and yet... Unnatural. The same as those Snow ninjas... Damn. Chakra armor, at a guess. Hmph.

"_It's been a long time, Koyuki..._" A voice sounded, loudly, though a megaphone...

Doto, I assume... He's got a mic in his hand. Next to him, was that Snow ninja, Nadarei. Hmph. He still had a bandage across his midsection. Guess he hadn't healed completely, yet.

I reached up, touching my radio.

"Anko, Sakura... Set up explosives on the wooden bridge ahead of the convoy. Detonate when the first train car gets across."

Anko came back over the headset. "_Gotcha... We'll need three mikes._"

Three minutes... Yeah... I think he'll keep talking for three minutes. "Roger that... Naruto." My teammate looked at me.

"You heard Anko. We need to keep this asshat talking for three minutes. Think you and princess over there can do that?"

He smirked. "Heh. Yeah... That won;t be much of a problem. Look." He pointed up the hill, and just as I looked,

Several massive logs came flying down that hill like an avalanche, smashing into the side of the train. Doto calmly glanced in that direction...

Up atop the hill, stood dozens of men in armor, wielding swords and spears, bows and farming tools. Uh-oh... A militia like that stands no chance against ninjas...

I've got a bad feeling about this...

"Naruto..."

"Yeah... I know..."

We both nodded, and he stepped closer to Koyuki, while I shunshined away.

I only hope it's in my power to prevent whatever attack these bastards have up their fancy sleeves...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I landed ahead of the militia troops just as they started charging down the hill. In front of me...

The side-panels of the train opened, and on top of it, sat turrets of some kind, armed by Snow ninjas.

"Aw, SHIT!" My hands came together... I only had a few moments.

"Oh, I do not have time for this... Earth style! Earth wall jutsu!" Tiger, Hare, Boar, Dog...

And as I gathered enough chakra to put Kakashi to shame, I slammed both hands through the snow, impacting the earth itself...

'_Be strong... Be stubborn... Be as unforgiving as the earth you move..._'

And move, it did. For a quarter of a kilometre in either direction, the stone rose, four feet thick, twenty feet high... Heh, Jackson would be proud.

Damn... So... tired... Ugh...

My gut hurts... Shit...

As I stood there panting, I could feel it... My chakra was flowing through the wall, deflecting nearly a thousand kunai that impacted its surface.

I could hear gasps coming from behind me, as the militiamen gaped at the power of a ninja...

For half a minute, the enemy kept firing kunai and shuriken, but when they finally stopped, I could hear the enemy also vocalising their concern.

I hopped atop my wall, surging what little chakra I had left. I'll sleep when I'm dead.

"IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT?!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, glaring at every one of the enemy gunners.

There were nearly a dozen of them, all shocked to see that a child, a mere Genin was the one to create such a massive earth jutsu.

It seems I owe Kakashi for that... He insisted that I learn how to create larger, stronger walls in case I needed to protect more people than just myself.

Doto himself was still standing on his train car, looking thoughtful. He was saying something...

Out of the blue, an explosion rocked the mountain, and an avalanche came down, burying the train engine in snow and ice. Before I could make a decision, the train started moving, powering through the snow, heading for the bridge...

Heh. So that's their plan...

I hopped down, flipping off Doto as he clambored into his train. Heheheheheh, this would be good...

The train passed over the bridge, and just as the first car cleared,

***BA-BOOMSH!***

Ha ha ha! The bridge detonated, dropping the entire thing down the cliff...

Hm? Why that cowardly sack of shit...

The first car disconnected form the rest, dropping all but the lead down the cliff, and everyone inside to their deaths...

Hmph. Guess who's not getting the Boss of the Year award?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

What was left of the train pulled off into the distance, and I plopped down on my ass.

"Ugh... Man am I tired..." I felt like taking a nap right here... Just lie down, close my eyes, and wake up when spring gets here...

"Sasuke!" Naruto ran over, grinning like mad.

"That was awesome! When did you learn how to do THAT?!"

I barely had the energy to shrug. "Training period for the Chuunin exams... Damn... Well, they're gone at least... Now I can take a nap..."

"Sasuke!" ...Or not.

Fuck.

I turned to look, just as Anko glomped me. Ow.

"You shouldn't have done something so stupid..." She spoke quietly, sounding more like an older sister than a lover.

"Yeah, yeah... I'm fine, now leggo before you break me in two." Her hold loosened, and she pulled me up with her.

I swayed on my feet for a moment, before reaching for my bag. Ack, I packed soldier pills in here somewhere...

I retrieved the small pouch, dropping one of the pills in my palm.

"Huh... Wonder if these're any good..." Bottoms up...

I popped in in my mouth, biting down and swallowing the powder... Eugh, nasty tasting, but...

...

Whoa-ho-ho!

They weren't kiding when they said it was fast-acting! I felt like I'd just downed a pot of coffee with a half-dozen packs of sugar in it.

Anko quirked an eyebrow, that coy little smirk of hers taunting me, "Oh? You get your second wind yet?"

I returned her smirk. "Oh, you know me. Always ready to go again."

I could hear Naruto snort a laugh, while Sakura made retching noises as she approached.

"You two are worse than Kakashi-sensei and his perverted books. At least he doesn't read out loud!"

...Just then Naruto busted out laughing.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

For a few minutes, the resistance fighters crowded and crowed their returned princess, and the film crew came out of hiding. Apparently, they'd gotten that entire incident on camera, and I was a big hit. Heh, hot damn. While I was hamming it up, something happened...

Naruto was staring at something rising up over the cliffside, and when I turned to look, a metal claw shot out of it, latching onto the princess before reeling her in like a prize catfish.

Fuck me... Nothing's ever simple, is it?

Naruto was already running for the edge of the cliff, a grappling hook in hand. Me? I was hauling ass, jumped over the edge, and just as I started to fall...

'_Focus chakra in the feet... Solidify it, condense it, make it as tough as possible... And kick off!_'

I kicked off a makeshift platform of chakra, shunshining as far up as possible, tomahawk in hand.

I rose, higher and higher... Until I got within three feet of the zepplin, and swung. My axe bit into the steel, giving me a hold... Naruto was hanging onto a rope that he'd tied off the rail of the thing. I gave him a thumbs up, which he returned. We had to get inside this thing, and take it down.

With my off hand, I drew my sword, and starting cutting my way inside, while Naruto summoned dozens of shadow clones, and began climbing his way inside.

Alright... Time to crash this party.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Man... The inside of this place was like a luxury train car. In fact, it was. Heheh.

I hid inside the vents, sealing my sword into a scroll. This was a time for stealth and planning, not reckless heroism. It's not like I can fly, after all.

After carefully crawling for several minutes, I could hear something... Voices. And screaming... The screams sounded suspiciously like Naruto. Not good.

"..._Now, then... I'll take the hex crystal if you don''t mind._" Hm? Doto...

After a moment...

"_Ohh... Hm? ...What is this?_" The sounds of a commotion followed, complimented by a loud *SLAP!* sound.

"_This isn't a game! You think I don't know this is a FAKE?!_"

"_What?! No... That's impossible, I-_" The sound of Koyuki, followed by a sharp intake of breath. "_...That ninja..._"

"_Damn..._"

"_Hmph... So that brat knew, all along..._" Nadarei remarked, sounding oddly bored and slightly annoyed.

"_Dn't woory, we'll have him rounded up in no time at all._" A feminine voice, but it was harsh and dripping with false kindness... That kunoichi...

"_Don't bother. Why chase after him... So long as we've got his friend, he'll come to us. Mwaheheheheh..._" The sound of glass cracking ensued, quickly followed by sniffing.

"_...Uh, boss, was that you?_" The big guy, whatshisface, asked, as the sound of feet quietly shuffling was heard. They were edging away from their employer, and Koyuki was giggling. Just then...

I heard snickering... Naruto-style snickering.

"_Heheheh... That's just like Sasuke... Hey, Doto... Man, you stink. What, didja go and shit yourself?_"

...The sounds of a brutal beating followed, though he laughed through it all. Man, that kid's got balls.

Some time later... Maybe an hour, maybe two, the zepplin landed, and most everyone exited. I waited a good ten minutes, then crawled out of my hiding space, and set about acquiring myself a disguise...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I'll skip the boring details of how I got into the place, but it went soemthing like this; I found a lone guard sweeping in a secluded area, and henged myself into Koyuki Kazehana.

Minus the coat and pants.

Then I sidled up to the poor bastard, sneaking right up on him, and whispered a few sweet nothings in his ear.

"Oh, please help me, big boy... Now that Doto has the hex crystal, he has no need for me.. Please, help me get out of here... I'll make it worth your while..."

...

His boner was tearing through his pants. I coulda sworn he was about to jizz himself. But I digress. A quick grab, one-two twist, and his neck was broken. Poor bastard. Poor, poor, horny bastard.

So! I stripped and henged into him, threw his clothes over mine, and dropped him down a shaft. He wouldn't be found few weeks, since his body wouldn't start to rot for a good while with these temperatures.

Anyway. After acquiring a decent disguise, I whistled as I walked, heading for the lowest pit I could find in this place, to work my way up as I searched for Naruto, then the princess.

Took me a good hour and a half, but I found the blonde blockhead. He was in a cell, chained to the ceiling and the floor, with an electrical trap tag on the bars of the cell itself. Man, they really went all out...

As I stood outside his cell, looking about, I saw the princess herself... In the cell opposite Naruto's. Hm.

Well... Time for drastic measures. I peeled off the tag, plucking my lockpicks from my pocket, and set to work on the door.

Naruto was hanging there, glaring at me as I worked. He opene dhis mouth to say something, when I put a made a be-quiet gesture.

"Shh, or I'll leave you here, Dobe."

His eyes widened, and I swear, the light shined differently on him.

"Sasuke..." He whispered, grinning like mad.

"The one and only..."

*Ka-chk!* ...And the door was now unlocked. I pushed it open, stepping inside and looking over the chains that bound my buddy.

"...Not gonna be able to pick this in a hurry. Welp, I was getting tired of stealth anyway." I reached under my disguise, drawing my tomahawk.

"Sit still, or this might hurt."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

The final bond clanged to the floor, and now he was free, rubbing his wrists. I reached behind me, pulling off the pouch of his that I'd 'liberated' on my way down, and returned it to him.

"Hm? The hell's that thing? A new fashion accessory?" I noted the device tacked to his chest, which he glowered at.

"Dunno. Wierd thing that keep sapping my chakra."

...

"...Gimme ten seconds."

**Eight seconds later...**

I had the device off, and my hands were slightly burned. Whatever it was, it wasn't kid-friendly. I smashed what was left of it with my tomahawk, then turned to leave.

"Oh, before I forget..." I pulled my sword-scroll out, and unsealed Samehada. I'd gotten it off a guy who had bandaged hands when I'd retrieved Naruto's gear.

"This thing wouldn't quit humping my leg until I got him back to you..."

Naruto beamed. "Sharky!"

...

Okay...

He retook his weapon, rubbing it and hugging it and calling it George.

Now that we were rearmed and ready, we left his cell and worked on getting the princess out of hers. Didn't take long. After I ripped the chains off her, she glared at me.

"You took my hex crystal, didn't you?" She accused, looking pissed.

I raised an eyebrow.(I remembered to ditch my henge just then)

"Oh, no... Of course not. Whatever gave you that idea?" I pulled said item from my bag, dangling it in front of her face. She snatched it out of my hands, tying it back around her neck.

"Asshole..."

"Is that anyway to thank the person saving your sorry, haughty ass? Whatever, bitch, just shut up and stay behind me." I started out of the cell, ripping off the guard uniform I'd swiped, dispelling the transformation.

After a moment of walking, an explosion rocked the entire palace, top to bottom.

"Well, that's our cue to get the hell out of here."

Naruto nodded. "Right. Let's go to work."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We moved to the nearest lift,(Elevator) and took it up as high as possible, stopping on a bridge up high.

We started scross it, just as another explosion shook the ground beneath our feet.

"Damn! Anko really loves her job..."

Ahead of us, two guards were bodily thrown against the doorway, collapsing in a heap. From behind them, appeared everyone's favorite sex symbol of Konoha. Behind her, stood Sakura, who was beaming.

"Yes, in fact, I do! Now c'mon, if we get surrounded, we're screwed!"

"This way!" Koyuki shouted, beckoning us to follow her.

Well, she does know this place better than us... So we took her word for it, and ran like hell directly behind her.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We didn't get too far. In the main hall, the throne room, Koyuki stopped, and we ran into Doto...

A spotlight shined on him, leaving the rest of us in the dark. What a ham... What a showoff.

Damnit, this guy's as bad as Orochimaru.

"Well done, Koyuki..." Huh...?

Just then, the dumb bitch ran towards Doto, and as I started after her, I got cut off by the three stooges.

"Fuck..." How do I get out of this? I can't fight all three of these idiots at once... And that's not counting Doto, who has to have the same kind of armor... Or a better variant.

Agh, what to do...

...

Third jing... Neutral. Do... Nothing. We wait... And find an opening.

As the scene played out, it really reminded me of that princess Gale movie... Hm... Strange...

Wait... She's..

...Heh. My sharingan revealed her intentions... Though I'm unsure if that tanto will penetrate his armor.

After a few moments, I noticed Anko getting antsy... Just what's got her worked up...? She relishes a fight, especially if it gives her a challenge, but...

...

Aha... Our little demolition expert set this place to blow... Heheheheh, I can always count on Anko to do something stupidly clever.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Another five minutes of listening to the prick ramble on while he beat up his own neice, a girl half his size. Bitch or not, she didn't quite deserve that much of a spanking.

But after that sixth minute...

"MOVE!"Anko shouted, just before the entire ceiling exploded, showering us with heavy masonry. Heh, so she did... Time to end this farce. I jumped, hopped and skipped from stone to stone, making a hasty escape.

Outside, the three of us(Naruto had pursued Doto and the girl) made a hasty plan.

"You two, go after fatso and the snow-bitch. I'll take down their leader, then we hit Doto. Naruto's damn sure gonna be there already."

Anko and Sakura nodded, taking off in the direction we'd seen the two ninjas run off in, while I began my hunt for Nadarei...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

He hadn't gotten far... Maybe a kilometre or two. I caught up with him, waiting for me...

Hmph. He truly had no idea...

He turned to face me.

"So... You're not going to just run away this time, I hope."

"No... I am not like Kakashi. He was my sensei, and a damned good one. But the one thing he did wrong..."

I surged my chakra, forming several handseals and using my best technique.

***Pul-Chichichichichichichi!***

"...Was making his students stronger than himself. It is your folly to compare me to him... I am not that _weak._"

"Heh heh heh heh... So the student surpasses the master... Show me."

"Gladly." I dashed forward, my plan already taking form.

"Ice style! Wolf fang avalanche!" All above me, the snow began rolling downhill, forming into the visage of giant wolves...

Hmph. He sends false wolves to kill a real one...? Fool.

I love it when a plan comes to fruition... I ducked down, sliding under the wolves that passed right over me, summoning a shadow clone in the same instant, the clone mimicking my chidori. While I was unseen on the ground, my clone shunshined into the air, calling,

"UP HERE ASSHOLE!"

And when Nadarei looked skyward... The clone rushed him. He knocked it aside, sending it plummeting down...

And as it fell, the clone flipped him off. "You lose, asshole!"

Just as Nadarei comprehended that, I struck from below, impaling the bastard through the small of his back.

"GUAH! W-wha..." My hand was on the other side of him, and I fipped him off.

"On a ledge, you never strike from above, lest you overshoot your mark... Instead, attack from below, and drag your enemy down with you. Shinobi basics 101... Now fly, asshole."

I ripped my hand out of him, dripping blood, and viciously kicked him off the ledge...

...I never heard him hit the ground. I was already moving to Naruto's location.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

'_Not enough chakra..._' I thought, feeling drained... I didn't have the strength to fight someone even stronger than that guy. This would be a pain...

Reaching for my bag, I pulled out my satchel of soldier pills, downing another one. I was going to need my strength for this... Doto's chakra levels were nearly those of a Kage, and I'll be damned if I'm letting Naruto fight that on his own.

When I arrived at the spot where I last felt his chakra, I saw Doto... Standing over a massive break in the ice... Naruto was nowhere in sight.

"Damn him...!"

My hands came together... Now's a good a time as any to try out my newest trick.

"Shadow clone jutsu! " A dozen clones appeared, all looking at me funny.

"Uh... Boss, you haven't even tested this yet. You sure you wanna do that NOW?" I leveled a glare at him.

"At worst, he's gonna get singed, bad."

"...Along with us." One of my clones threw in. Not helping.

"And at best, he gets completely fried. Now quit yer whinin', and get ta firin'!"

They collectively sighed, and began forming handseals in preparation for their job.

I jumped down into the basin,slamming a fist down on the ice, announcing my presence.

"HEY ASSHOLE!"

Doto turned, scowling. He saw me, the clones, and was about to perform some kind of jutsu...

"THIS IS THE END FOR YOU!" I drew my knife, shunshining towards him...

Gotta be quick.

My clones had already started spewing massive fireballs into the air, causing a rapid, large-scale temperature shift...

Causing friction...

Static electricity...

Lightning.

I don't have the skill or power to dedirect lightning itself... But I do have the power to do what's needed.

As I moved, closer and closer, faster and faster, I channeled lightning chakra through my knife, ducking the massive black snow dragon he sent after me, skidding, sliding, jumping, juking over the giant snowball of a monster.

I got close...

Damn, close. Within mere feet, before he realised what I was doing. I think.

I knocked his meaty fist aside, driving my blade deep in his gut, dropping back as I felt my body going into the routine I'd copied off of Lee.

"Fly, asshole!"

...And fly he did, a good thirty feet, as my hands came together again.

"_**Wrath of Heaven...**_ **NOW DIE!" **Two chidoris appeared in my hands, the last of my chakra going into this final, desperate attempt to finish what I'd started.

Kakashi once told me to never, ever, ever EVER slap two chidoris together?

Why? Well, because it makes lightning shoot out in all directions, completely uncontrollable.

Because he only tried it _once._ I've... Kinda perfected it. Sorta. Halfway...

Okay, I can get it to go in the direction I want, but not pinpoint accuracy. It's still drawn to my chakra, and metal.

So... I stabbed him with a piece of metal laced with my chakra, of the same nature. Energy is cohesive, remember?

And so, without further delay...

Ahem.

I clapped my hands together, willing the energy to move... Thattaway!

...I kinda shaped my chakra to help it along, but it's just a wing and a prayer at this point. The moment the two balls of electricity touched, BAM! WHAM! HOLY WAZOW!

...I kinda got zapped. My hair was standing on end, as lighting arced(Arc'd) from my hands, moving up, and collided with my knife. Which was sticking out of Doto.

Now, he was charged with electricity, and he got zapped. BAD.

He was looking singed, but his armor held. I suppose it's because the further lightning travels, the less energy it has. And it wasn't focused or concentrated, either.

Ahem. But this, is not the point of the technique, oh no.

This is the set-up. Now that fatass up there got charged with lightning-natured chakra, he's a fuckign magnet for REAL lightning.

...Now you guys figuring out why my clones spent so much time coughing up smoke for me? Yeah.

Anyway.

Great light show. Doto kinda hung in the air for a second after I zapped him, before the sky darkened and crackled, and then... Then...

Boosh.

***Tha-BA-BA-BALOOOMSH!***

HE. LIT. THE. FUCK. UP.

A massive bolt of lightning arc'd down, striking him right on the noggin.

Judging from the way his armor split apart and he hit the ground, that hard to hurt. Especially since his hair was burned off, and I could smell it from here.

Okay, show's over. I fell to my knees, sharingan deactivated...

Ugh...

I... I think I'm seeing things... 'Cuz I coulda swore he just got up, looking rather irate. And by that, I mean royally _pissed._

...Yeah, I'm dreaming, 'cuz, my head's just.. Whooooa, man... swimming...

Kinda like when I got drunk with Anko... 'Cept I don't have a hard-on... Whoops, now it's just like that time! Woo-hoo1

Yeah, man...

I, ah... I think I used too much chakra... 'Cuz now I'm seeing a million Naruto's... Naruto here, Naruto there, Naruto eeeeeverywhere!

...

*Thumpk!*

...Ow.

I... Think I'll just stay here... On the ground... Where it's nice and comfy...

Ahh... Sleep...

My loving mistress... So near, so far, comes close, then runs away like a little bitch...

Ahh... C'mere, you... I missed you...

...

...Aaaand that's right about the time that I blacked out.

Welp, that's it, kiddies. Show's over. I'm out like a light, so piss off. I missed the rest of the fight.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Aaaand that's a wrap!" The scene ended.

...The lights turn back on, and we see Sasuke stand up, brushing himself off. Naruto's stunt doubles limp offstage, heading for medical. Koyuki stand up and yawns, pulling off his wig. It was Ebisu the entire time. He walks offstage, putting on his trademark sunglasses and complaining about how the panties he was wearing were giving him a wedgie.

Doto hops to his feet, and walks over to the coffee table, looking for his trench coat. He also played Ibiki.

We see Naruto and Sasuke walk offstage together, joking about their friend and fellow actor Kakashi hitting on 'Koyuki' until he found out that she, was also a he. Heheheh, oh it was funny as hell.

Sakura walks over and joins the two boys, scratching his crotch.

"Man, wearing this damn dress is starting to get on my nerves... Why the hell can't they ever get me to play a dude?"

Sasuke snorts a laugh. " 'Cuz you're prettier than most of the girls. It's kinda funny, really. Say, didja flash the last guy who tried hitting on you?"

"Uh-huh. 'Cept he got even more excited when he saw my junk!"

Sasuke and Naruto share a look. "Definately wasn't Kakashi, then."

Sakura blinks. "No, it was Neji. It was really freakin' wierd, man."

Both boys blink, staring at their crossdressing companion. "NEJI?!"

"Uh-huh."

Quite suddenly, the director calls for all actors and actresses to gather onstage. He has an announcement.

It takes only a few minutes for everyone to gather, at which point, with tears in his eyes, the director shouts, "OUR BUDGET'S BEEN CUT! The movie's canceled!" ...He then breaks down and starts crying.

Everyone in there is depressed, sighing. Except for one boy with hair like a duck's ass...

"Wait.. WHAT?! YOU MEAN MY SEX SCENE GOT CANCELED?! SON OF A DICK!"

He is holding his head, manly tears flowing down his cheeks. Naruto and Sakura are flanking him, patting his back with sympathy.

Kakashi stands next to the trio, sniffing as he wipes a tear from his eye. "I know, Sasuke. I feel your pain..."

Sidling up to the group is Anko, who's actually only 19. "Aw, I'm sorry, Sasuke. But don't worry. You're already done your sex scene!" She plucks a photo from betwix her breasts, handing it to the brunette boy before turning, and skipping away, cackling the entire time.

...The four of them, being Kaka, Sasu, Naru and Saku, look over the picture...

"TH-THAT DOESN'T COUNT! I WAS ASLEEP!" He's blushing as bright red as Sakura's dress, while his three friends laugh at both his embarassment, and misfortune.

...Because that's what friends are for these days, apparently.

...Hm? What was the pictue of?

Well... That's for me to know, and you to worry about.

Mwahahahahahahahahahaaa!

"..Shaddup, will ya? No more voice-overs, the movie's cancelled. Hey, gimme that mic!"

Wha- Wait, no, this is my- Ack! Ow, you son of a b-

**THE END.**

**FIN.**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**HOLY HELL! Over nineteen THOUSAND views! Bad-freakin'-ass, man!**_

_**I want to take this opportunity to personally thank ALL of my viewers, and especially my reviewers. THANK YOU FOR READING! Especially to Lunar Wolf Fenrir, Wrathkal, SR471, and Kaioo, for sticking with me thoughout this entire acid-trip of an adventure. Next, I'd like to thank my my lovely GUEST REVIEWERS, and to Pjak47, my first reviewer. It is for you all, THE PEOPLE, that I keep wasting my precious time writing instead of doing something productive. Like masturbating. **_

_**And now, I wish to extend my eternal gratitude to my muse, **__**01Trycia-chan01**__**, for inspiring me to keep writing no matter how badly I fuck it up.(Ha-ha) You've kept me up late at night, made me try new things, and forced me to keep going even when I thought I was done. You're as bad as my Ex. At least you don't leave bite marks.**_

_**...Now THAT, was funny.**_

_**Well, this is my last chapter, I'm afraid. I simply have no time to work on this anymore...**_

_**So I'm going out with a bang, and leaving this ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE'S WORTH IN ONE GODDAMN CHAPTER. FUCK YOU ALL WHO SAID IT COULDN'T BE DONE!**_

_**Heheh. Well, we had a good run, my friends... I'll see you all in hell. I'll be busy making Lucifer my bitch.**_

_**BA-BOW!**_

_**And Now, I have something very important to add. **_

_**APRIL FOOLS, DUMBASS!**_


	37. Chapter 37 Guess Who's Back

**Naruto; What If**

**Fifth Arc; Golden Age**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 36 - Guess who's back, bitches.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**I have something very, very important to tell all of you.**_

_**APRIL FOOLS, DUMBASS! HA HA HA HA HA! **_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Auuugh..." I heard someone groan... As though in great pain, the sound was strangely familiar... And yet so far away...

After a few moments, I realsied why. It was _me. _

I blearily opened my eyes, blinking back the light. I was lying down... On a comfortable bed.

'_Huh...?_' All around me... White. Flourescent lights blinded me for a short while, but as my eyes slowly adjusted, I became aware of a presence...

Next to me...

It was a struggle, but I worked up the energy to turn my head, looking to whoever was sitting by my side...

After a moment, my eyes focused, and I could make out their long, purple hair...

Wait. Purple...

"It's about time you finaly woke up..." Anko looked up, smiling at me.

Heh... I should've known...

I took a breath, and forced my sore, unwilling body to comply, sitting up.

...It really freaking hurt, man.

"Anko. Least I got to wake up to a pretty face... Where's Naruto and Sakura?" First thought that popped into my head; where was my team?

"Sakura's around goofing off... Naruto's in the other bed." She made a pointed glance behind me, and I turned to look...

There he was, lying in bed, bandaged up to the point of looking like a mummy. Eesh.

Looking back to Anko, I had to ask. "How long was I out?"

" Oh... 'Bout three weeks."

"WHAT?!" Th... Three weeks?!

"Pff, hahahahahahaa! Oh, the look on your face!" ...My eye twitched.

"Not funny. How long?"

"A day. You're just in here for chakra exhaustion and slight poisoning... Those ration pills can really take it out of you if you aren't careful. Speaking of which..."

She leaned forward, scowling as she grabbed a fistful of... The shirt they'd thrown me in, whatever it was, and started chewing me out.

"I saw that technique you used... NEVER USE THAT AGAIN!" She shouted, looking decidedly pissed. "You could've been killed, doing that! Didn't Kakashi tell you not to play with lightning?!"

I smirked. Couldn't help it. "Heh. Must've missed that lesson... Or he was too late to give it. C'mon, I'm fine. Aside from being a bit sore and having wierd-ass dreams, anyway."

"...Wierd dreams?" She looked dubious.

"Yeah... We were all actors on stage, even Doto, playing for the camera. And... Sakura was a DUDE. In a dress. So was Koyuki... I mean, hell, it was Ebisu playing her! And Ibiki was acting as Doto. Man, it was wierd. What's worse, Neji flirted with Sakura... And didn't mind that she was actually a guy. I tell you, it was the single wierdest dream ever, even compared to the one where Naruto took over the world with ramen."(Name-dropping aside... LotLoF)

...

"...Are you sure you're not insane?"

"Yeah. Why?"

" 'Cuz my daddy told me not to get involved with crazy people." ...And she said this completely fucking deadpan.

"...Anko, I'm not even going to bother pointing out how wierd and hypocritical that sounds."

"Uh-huh... You feeling alright? Aside from the dreams?"

"Mm-hm. Sore and stiff as hell, but I'll live."

She quirked an eyebrow. "Sore and stiff, huh? I distinctly remember you complaining about those two things the night before we came here..."

She then leaned closer, wrapping her arms around me, taking a shaky breath. "...When you didn't get back up, I was so worried... I thought you were dead. Don't... Don't do that to me again... You hear?"

I smiled warmly, returning her embrace. "No promises... But I'll do my best. I expect the same of you..."

She pulled back slightly, as our gazes locked...

...Oddly enough, right about here, this was starting to feel just like one of those ero-manga that Kakashi always reads...

Somehow... We got closer and closer... And just as our lips touched-

*SLA-BANG!*

"Anko-sensei! I've brought lunch- HEY! STOP THAT! NO SEX WHILE HE'S RECOVERING, DAMNIT!" ...Both Anko and I levelled our sardonic glares in her direction, just as she slammed the door shut and marched over.

"I can't believe you two! You're still supposed to be resting, and you! You shouldn't be encouraging him!"

...She's going to cockblock us until we go home, isn't she?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Two days, it took. That's when Naruto and I were both up and about, ready to get moving again.

We were ready to leave, but stayed to watch the inauguration of Princess Koyuki Kazehana, as the new leader of the Kazehana clan, and lord of the Land of Snow.

Heh... It was a rather sappy affair, truth be told, but we got free food, so no complaints here.

After the ceremony, we said our goodbyes to Koyuki, collected the rest of our payment, and made our way out of the city, heading for the nearby port. We were catching a different ship home, but that didn't bother us... We just wanted to get home.

My body was still a bit sore, but I'd worked most of the stiffness out of my limbs, whereas Naruto still had a few bandages left, but he was looking upbeat as ever. Man, I envy him his ability to bounce back from anything...

The boat ride was uneventful, which was good. Boring is good. No danger, no chance of being horrifically killed, and no enemy ninjas. That's a good day, in my book.

Ahem. Not to say that there weren't problems...

Heheheh. Sakura thought she could keep us from fornicating by plopping down in our cabin, saying she'd leave when she was sure we were asleep.

...She was sadly mistaken. And very angry, as she stormed out in a huff. Naruto won another bet that night, apparently... Heheh.

Took two days, but we arrived back in the land of fire... Another hour of travelling on foot, and we arrived back home at the village.

It was nice, arriving back home after more than a week away...

We went straight to the Tower

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"So, how did the mission go?"

"Like all our missions... It turned out to be a lot more complicated, and a HELL of a lot more dangerous than we'd been told. But we're alive and the mission's completed." Naruto summed that up quite nicely...

"Hm. Looks like you all have got the same luck as my team did... Anko? How would you say they did?"

"Perfectly, Hokage-sama. Though the two boys are far more reckless than I'd like..." A pointed glance was shot towards both Naruto and I. "...I couldn't ask for a better Genin squad. Sakura showed once again that her intellect is unsurpassed, able to comprehend and predict enemy strategies and motives. Naruto got his sorry ass captured... But he did great escaping and protecting the princess. He even took down the enemy leader, albeit with some aid."

"Mm-hm..." Tsunade had this slight smile on her face... As though she was going to thoroughly enjoy what was about to happen...

"And Sasuke's abilities are comparable to any Jounin I've worked with. His combat skills are beyond those of any of the Chuunin, complimented with strategic and leadership skills. In a word, his performance was excellant-"

Tsunade cut off Anko with a simple question. "In or out of bed?"

I was very, very tempted to facepalm, but I maintained my discipline... Predators are attracted to movement, after all. Sakura and Naruto both snorted, trying not to laugh.

Anko must have been fighting to keep her expression neutral. Hmm... She knew that Tsunade was trying to embarass her.

"Both, actually. Were you interested in hearing the details, Hokage-sama?" HA HA HA! Excellant reversal!

Tsunade chuckled to herself, shaking her head with a smile. "That won't be necessary... But next time, would you two kindly refrain from letting your instincts interfere with the mission?"

"Of course, Hokage-sama. Never in public, not during the day, always have a clone sentry, and don't forget to leave time to actually sleep." I beamed, showing off my tranquil smile with tongue in cheek.

I take it my antics were a good alternative to the usual monotomy, as Tsunade smiled and turned in her chair, waving us off. "Nothing further. You're dismissed for the day."

We all bowed and left, walking along with our payments for the mission. I was looking forward to a little R&R with Anko, possibly spend some time with Naruto and Hinata, too.

Ahh, what to do...

"C'mon."

Anko tugged me along towards home, smiling all the while.

I take it she was more interested in spending some time getting to know our bed again... Heheh, I admit I was in just as much of a hurry as her to stretch out my muscles a bit more.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We got to my door, and Anko stopped. "Oh, I almost forgot." She reached into her pack, pulling out something...

"I saw this lying in the snow... You stabbed Doto with it, didn't you?" She was holding my knife... It was black with soot, and the hilt looked a bit rough, but other than that, it was serviceable.

"Yeah... Thanks. I wondered if anyone had picked it up..." I took it from her, looking the weapon over... Yeah, Polish and sharpen it up, replace the handle wrapping, and it would be good as new.

I sheathed it, opening the door and stepping through...

Inside, Kin was sitting at the table, staring at us. "Huh. I was wondering when you two would get back."

"Uh-huh. Nice outfit." She'd gone shopping after all. She wore a sleeveless shirt, new bracers, leggings with shorts over them, and shinobi sandals... Her hair was up in a ponytail at the moment, but she still had her old scarf. Black and white, kinda like a cowhide pattern. Huh.

"...What about it?" She sounded dubious... Great.

"Nothing, just saying it's nice." I smiled as warmly as I could, but the gesture was wasted.

*Khuh Khuh Khuh!* ...Someone was pounding the the door, just behind us.

"...Great..." I walked over to the door, kinda eager to get this interruption over with so Anko and I could get reacquainted.

As I pulled it open, I found an Anbu I didn't recognise standing on my doorstep...

"What, already? I just got back, can't you people harass me in an hour or five?"

He shook his head, replying, "No. Two Kiri missing-nins walked right up to our gate and requested a meeting with the Hokage. They said to speak with you to confirm their identities and intentions."

Two Kiri mis-

Oh. OH. Shota and no-brows. Gotcha.

"Two, you say? From Kiri... Zabuza and Haku. I'd bet money on it."

Anko moved up right behind me. "Missing-nin from Kiri...? Sasuke, what did you do...?"

I turned with a grin. "Something stupid, but clever. I'll be back in a bit... Why don'tcha get ready?" She returned a tentative smile, but looked worried. I think she might've heard the name Zabuza before...

"If you say so... But hurry back."

"Of course."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Stepping out, I followed the Anbu all the way to the Hokage Tower, entering her office. Inside, Tsunade sat behind her desk looking irritated, while Zabuza Momochi and Haku Yuki were sitting in relatively small chairs across from her. They both turned to look when we entered, ignoring the three Anbu standing just behind them.

"Heya, guys. You two arrived earlier than I'd expected." I greeted, as Haku inclined his head and the big guy grunted a reply. ...He was really dwarfing the chair he sat in. I think Tsunade had them put small chairs in her office for that reason; to make whoever was sitting down feel uncomfortable.

First things first; I reached into my pouch, retrieving my sword-scroll. I unsealed Headchopper, carefully maneuvering it as I returned the weapon to its owner, the big man standing and looking it over...

"Huh... Looks like it's seen use."

I raised an eyebrow. "You're surprised I can use it? You should see Naruto. He's got the Samehada."

Zabuza's stare shot onto me in an instant. "The Sharkskin? ...There's no way in hell that brat took down Kisame."

I grinned. "He didn't have to. Myself and Itachi killed him, right after his weapon chose the blonde blockhead over fishface. It was kinda funny, seeing the big-ass thing follow him around like a puppy."

The Demon chuckled, replacing his weapon on his back. "Good to have it back... Mind telling the guards to stop trembling?"

...I could feel the killing intent rolling off the four Anbu, each of them eager to get rid of the two. Hm.

"Heheh, they're all a little twitchy. You should see 'em on holidays. But yeah... such a show of force is unneeded. Tsunade, would you kindly dismiss them?"

Tsunade stared at me, unblinking. ...Not sure if she got my intentions, but she might've.

I merely quirked a brow. "Neither of them are strong enough to face a Sannin. And do you think I'd give them an in if I couldn't take them both myself? Er, no offense, you two." Both merely stared at me; Haku was probably wondering if I was talking out of my ass or being entirely serious, while Zabuza slightly soured at my offhanded dismissal of his abilities.

"...Anbu. Wait outside. Don't listen in." None of the four showed an outward reaction, but I could tell they were glaring at me.

After they'd filed out and shut the door, I readdressed the Hokage, getting straight to the point. "I figured we could use a few more skilled shinobi after the invasion, to bolster our forces. I take it you know who they are; Zabuza Momochi, the Demon of the Mist, former Jounin of Kirigakure, and Haku Yuki, last surviving member of his clan, trained as an assassin by the big guy himself."

Tsunade leaned forward, interlacing her fingers, covering her expression...

"...And you invited them to our village... When?"

Zabuza shifted, speaking. He still had bandages covering his face, but wore a different outfit, one likely from a tropical area... Guess they took a vacation. "It was two months ago. The kid offered a deal, said your village would need more shinobi after an incident... Judging from the way a few buildings look like they've been repaired recently, he was right."

Tsunade's gaze settled on me... "Two months ago... And just what 'deal' did you offer, Sasuke?" Her voice held promise of imminent pain if I said the wrong thing...

"I faked his death and got Kiri off his trail, we all split Gato's stolen funds, and they come here to work as ninjas of the Leaf. Even if the losses from Oto's attack weren't as high as expected, we still need every able body we can get; a potent bloodline that no longer exists aywhere else, and a veteran Jounin are fairly valuable, if you ask me."

"...The council will have to take a vote on it... Zabuza." He locked eye with her. "Just how did you become a missing-nin?" ...Ah crap.

Least he knew better than to let any anxiety show. "For attempting, and failing, a coup de'tat against Yagura."

The blonde turned her glare upon me, again. "Aye-yai-yai... Again, taken care of. Yagura has been under Akatsuki's control for years, now. They'll kill him and capture the three-tails within a year or two, maximum. The most likely candidate for his replacement is Mei Terumi... If I recall, she has masterminded a coup similar to yours, though with more widespread backing. People have grown tired of his tyrannical leadership, and I'd predict a short, but bloody, civil war to break out soon enough, unless Akatsuki gets to him first."

Wide-eyed stares around the room, as Tsunade had heard from Jiraiya and Hiruzen that I was from the future, apparently. Well, hopefully I'll get her backing on most of my little... Projects.

"...Well, that wraps things up with a nice little bow... Sasuke, you planned all this out beforehand, didn't you?"

I grinned, nodding. both Haku and Zabu were staring holes in me. So I turned and gave them a thumbs-up. "Congratulations, now you know. I saved your lives."

Again, they stared. "...What do you mean?" Zabuza rumbled, starting to look irritated.

"You were both supposed to die on that bridge; Haku with a raikiri through his chest trying to save his mentor, and Zabuza from fighting those hundred mooks with both his arms broken. Okay, all you need to know is that I know the future; anything else is just semantics. No questions, I'm not saying why or anything else, just take it at face value. You're breathing and whatever you do is of your own will, though I'd prefer you hold up your end of our bargain."

...Silence.

Then, finally, "...Kid, you're a devious little bastard."

I smiled. "I know, aren't I just?"

Tsunade was shaking her head with a smile, before standing. "I'll call the council in for a meeting. Don't get your hopes up, but they just might go for it."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

It took two bloody hours of waiting and shooting the shit, but the assembled shinobi council was waiting for us, as we entered the room, the entire council's eyes on me more than the two missing-nin in question.

...Did I cause THAT much of a scene last time? Heheh, my bad.

As I took my seat, Tsunade began by firstly, immediately shifting the focus onto me. Damnit.

"As I just found out a short while ago, we have two missing-nin requesting to join our village. As their benefactor, Sasuke, you start. This will be done on a majority vote, with myself being the tie-breaker if necessary."

...Great. "...Thank you, Hokage-sama. Two months past, I arranged a deal with Zabuza Momochi, former Jounin of Kirigakure. In exchange for my aid keeping Kiri from searching for him, he agreed to join our village in our time of need, seeing as our military strength has been stretched after Orochimaru's invasion."

"...Two months ago?" shikaku asked, sounding indifferent as usual.

"Yes, two months. I'm prone to planning in a far-sighted manner, at times."

He sat back, arms crossed, thinking...

"Bringing missing-nin into our ranks is always dangerous... What do we stand to gain? Zabuza is well-known as the Demon of the Mist, but just what can you do?" Tsume asked, looking pointedly at the feminine boy.

Haku smiled, not saying a word, holding out his hand. He focused his chakra, and water appeared to coalesce in his hand, solidifying into ice... And finally into a senbon.

I smiled, taking the chance. "Haku is the last surviving member of the Yuki clan, believed to be wiped out during the bloodline purges of Kiri. The last time I faced him in combat, I guaged his abilities as those of a Chuunin, though when aided by the final form of his kekkei genkai, he poses a formidable threat to Jounin, even. He possesses the skills of a Kiri hunter-nin, and I would guess he's gotten a bit stronger in those two months."

Chouza seemed to be mulling that over... "Another bloodline is always a welcome addition... I've heard tales that the Yuki clan was especially dangerous, as they've always got access to an unlimited supply of weapons. But what Tsume says is true; hiring missing-nin is precarious territory."

Hiashi leaned forward, inspecting the two Kiri natives carefully with his byakugan... "Though nervous, their intentions are pure. Hm. It seems you are capable of more than provoking fights and causing havoc, Sasuke." Hey! I take offense to that. I'm also a very competant lover. So says Anko, and she's got experience in that area...

*...Sniff* I kinda wish she didn't... I'd cherish being her one and only.

And I LOVE causing havoc! So screw you for making that out to be a bad thing. "Why thank you, Hiashi. I'm a delinquint of many talents."

I swear, he was thinking 'Delingquint is right...' But I digress.

"Another bloodline in our ranks would be worth some risk..." Danzo muttered, his visible eye staring hard at Haku. I think I saw the boy shiver.

"Yes, it would... But my deal offered them jobs, not a prison cell filled with whores, nor did I include being forcefully indoctrinated into your private army, Danzo. The CRA cannot be forced upon anyone, especially not individuals whose clan is not native to our village." Tossing out my knowledge of Root and reminding EVERYONE that the Clan Restoration Act is voluntary, I figured I'd get that out of the way early. I wouldn't want to be forced to impregnate a bunch of girls...

...Wait. Well, I would, but hey. It's the principle of the thing.

The old cock glared at me, as Shikaku shifted and glanced between us, the inteligence in his eyes spinning once more. I take it my position on the subject was clear, as many of the others began looking like they were close to making their own decisions.

"You became a missing-nin after leaving Kirigakure... How and why did you leave, exactly?" Shibi Aburame asked the big bandaged badass, shifting his sunglasses. I kinda like how EVERYONE ignores whatever conflicts come up in the council room. Really wierd.

Zabuza shifted slightly. "I lead a coup de'tat against Yagura's regime. Since I'm sitting here and not leading my village... It failed."

Inoichi harumphed to himself. "He attempted to kill his previous employer... For what reason should we trust him, an oathbreaker?"

"...I never broke my word." The Demon's voice was soft, but reverberated around the room.

"And just how is that?" Tsunade asked this time, sounding somewhat curious.

"My oath is to protect the people of Kiri, not the Mizukage. A man like Yagura... Is not fit to lead a village. He ordered the bloodline purge, as he mistrusted anyone with a kekkei genkai after the civil war. After so many years of seeing the people I swore to uphold being oppressed... And it was only getting worse. I intended to put an end to it, but I acted too soon. There was... An incident, and I took a risk by putting my plan into action a year early... That was a fatal mistake on my part. After it failed, I made my escape, bringing the demon brothers and Haku with me; he was made an orphan by the purges. During our travels, I trained him, working as many jobs as I could find to get the money to try again."

...He said all that without taking a breath. Shit, he's long-winded. Then again, that's to be expected; he's from the Hidden Mist, after all.

After his tale, most everyone in the room was looking like they'd made their decision. Tsunade looked from left to right, observing our expressions...

"If anyone has any more questions, now's the time."

...

"...Very well. Shall they be accepted into the village, or denied citizenship. The voting starts now. Sasuke, start us off. For or against." I was on her left, at the far end. Right.

"Since I went to the trouble of bringing them here... For, obviously."

Shikaku was next. "Hmm... There are many unknowns... However, the rewards seem to be worth the risks. For."

Tsume came after him. "Huh. A bloodline and a Jounin... One that gave Kakashi trouble. Yeah, Shikaku's right. For."

Inoichi frowned, possibly because of his friend's choice, possibly because Tsume smelled like wet dog. Either way. "Yes, there could be a great benefit from bringing them in... But the risks aren't worth what we seem to be getting. Against." That's one against, thee for. Hm. Good start.

"Hnn... Yes... Our forces are at an all-time low. Adding more skilled shinobi is a boon at a time like this. With one stipulation; a full psychological evaluation, and probationary period. For." Koharu was on my side, for once... Hm...

Moving to the other side of the table, Homura gazed at his teammate for a few moments... "I can see your reasoning, Koharu. I second her stipulations; For." Hm? Huh. I figured at least one of the elders would be against.

Danzo was next... "Adding to our numbers now is a priority, given the likelihood of Orochimaru returning. For." Hmm... I wonder what he's planning...

Chouza didn't hesitate. "For." ...Hm. He sided with Shikaku, I think...

Shibi was solemn as always. "Caution is what seperates the intelligent from the reckless... And in these times, it is better to play safe, then to regret later. Against."

And finally... Hiashi. "It seems the result has already been decided... For."

Tsunade nodded, looking around at the assembled councilors. "Very well. By a vote of eight to two, Zabuza Momochi and Haku Yuki will be made shinobi of the Leaf. However." She looked pointedly at the two in question. "You will both undergo a full psyche evaluation, as well as a physical one to guage your abilities. After a probationary period in which you will be under surveillance, you will be granted full citizenship. Council dismissed."

...And everyone seemed to stand up at once, turning and filing out. Huh.

Hmm... Things to do...

Haku and Zabu were following Tsunade back to her office, where I assume they'll workout the details. But before that...

"Oy, Hiashi." I caught up with the prude, noting the way his back stiffened ever so slightly.

He turned, staring down at me impassively. "Yes?" Clipped tone, very statue-esque... Eh, he's not happy about dealing with me, that's for sure.

"I have something to offer you, if you'll hear me out."

his eyebrow rose, a slight hint of an actual expression. "And what could you offer that I could want?"

"A technique allowing for greater physical abilities, along with heightened chakra levels and control, gained at unheard of speeds through relatively simple training."

...I think I had his attention. "And what technique would this be?"

I shrugged. "Haven't named it. But before I tell or explain it, there are three conditions."

He took on this 'I knew it' expression. "...What is it you want, then?" He sounded more curious than anything. Eh.

"First is that it be taught to ALL Hyuuga, regardless of branch, family, status or ability. Second, that you allow Hinata and Hanabi both to choose whomsoever they wish to take as their mate, and not attempt to force them into an arranged marriage."

"No." I blinked.

I didn't have time to voice my irritation at his backwards asshat ways, when he continued. "I have already allowed Hinata to pursue a relationship with Uzumaki, whether or not she has noticed. Though I appreciate your concern for her, your attempts to extort and coerce me into a change of heart are starting to wear thin."

I blinked, again. "Well, damn. Smarter than the average bear... My final condition is not passing her over as clan heir; she would do her utmost to usher in a time of peace and stability, which is something we'll need in the coming decades. If you honestly believe Hanabi would make a better clan head, that is your choice, but if you follow that route, then please; never have Hinata branded."

"...The choice of my successor will be made when they have both had time to prove their worth. Again, you waste your time and mine, as no child of mine will ever be marked with the brand while I still draw breath."

Oh. Well, that's comforting. "Then that's good, you're only stuck with ensuring all Hyuuga are equally taught."

He continued to stare at me. "And just what 'technique' is it?"

I smiled brightly, surging my chakra. "You're looking at it."

He took a step back when my chakra flared, but after a moment, he understood my meaning, activating his bloodline. Within moments, he looked me in the eye again. "Your chakra system is exceptionally strong, but I do not see what you mean."

I quirked an eyebrow. "Actually, you did, closer than anyone else has. You just haven't quite figured it out. Y'know how shinobi are stronger than normal people, because of chakra? Well, that's because we subconsciencely use it to make our bodies even stronger, tougher, and able to withstand the rigors of our lifestyle. I figured out a method to speed up the process, and force my body to strengthen itself manually. Build up as large an amount of chakra as possible, and forcing it to flow through the body nonstop. The more chakra, and the faster the flow, the stronger you become."

After that brief explanation, Hiashi continued to stare at me. "And you've known this... How long?"

Shrugging, "Ehh... About three, four months? I'm still fine-tuning it, figuring out new and different ways to play around with it. It's the way I've become as fast and strong as Kakashi, since my sharingan gives me the perceptive abilities and reaction time to make full use of it. I came up with it on a lark though, trying to perfect treewalking."

"...For a brat, you are a genius."

I smiled pleasantly. "I know, right? I expect you to follow through on making sure it is taught to all Hyuuga, though. It'll become integrated into the gentle fist style, further ensuring that the Hyuuga remain at the forefront as masters of taijutsu combat, faster and stronger than opposing ninja. With as little as a tap or a poke, one can send enemies twice his size flying. Given that the Hyuuga already have very fine chakra control, it'll serve as a fine training method."

The older man nodded, comperhension finally having dawned in his features. In exchange for something trivial, he was gaining a method of turning children, such as myself, into warriors on-par with Jounin when it comes to physical abilities.

...I think he'll finally overlook that bit with Kaiten and every time I've pissed him off.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After exchanging a few more pleasantries, I went on my way, stopping in the Hokage's office, just as she was bringing up the issue of where the two former missing-nins would be staying...

"Oy, Tsunade. Erm, if you're hard-pressed for a place to stash our two newest recruits, I think I've got an extra house or three lying around here somewhere."

Tsunade snorted a laugh, shaking her head. "I'll take your word for it. Well, you two, you're stuck with Sasuke for now. Report in tomorrow morning at eight sharp for the psyche eval. And try not to provoke anyone, I've got enough paperwork to deal with as is."

Zabuza and Haku both nodded, standing. While they scurried out the door, I called, "Tsunade, you DO know that shadow clones can cut down how much work you've got by the number of clones, right?"

She blinked, staring at me.

"...Why did I think of that?!"

I shrugged. "That's what Hiruzen said, too."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Ugh... So tired...

Politics done, everything else dealt with, and now I've got new neighbors... Lovely.

They followed me back to the Uchiha compound in silence, taking in the sights of the village. I gave a very shorthand tour, as in, what was on the way.

"Ichiraku's is the best ramen shop in the entire country, hands-down, period, end of report. There is no better anywhere. We've got a few nice stores around, such as Hame's clothing and essentials, they've got excellant deals on clothes and anything that isn't sharp and pointy. Then we have the best gear shop around these parts. It's owned by Tenten's family, ah, what was their surname... No matter. Their stuff is made by Io himself, big name weaponsmith, a genius and an eccentric. He made the masterpiece you see strapped to my back." I hooked a thumb at the sword on my back.

"Other than that... We've got X-rated mission right down that alley over there, if either of you are lacking in the, ah, 'subtle' department of romance."

Zabuza seemed to blink, staring down that alley we passed. "...Was that a man wearing a miniskirt?"

"Oh, yeah, that's Roy. Good bloke, but he's got an off-color sense of humor. I think he wears that thing every Thursday for some reason... Something to do with metal and alchemy, I can't remember."

"Right... Subtle, funny."

I shrugged. "Heh, you shoulda seen the last thing Anko brought home from that place. Makes the skirt look like a victorian dress."

"...Victorian dress?" Haku asked, sounding puzzled.

"Er, think of a dress under a dress under a massive coat with laces running through several hundred eyelets. Very complicated, and takes an hour to put on or take off. Don't ask, they weren't very popular."

"...I think I'll take your word for it."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Welp, we got to the compound.

"Right, this house over here," I pointed to the one I'd first woken up in, and have been staying in the entire time. "Is where I live. Any of the other houses, you're welcome to. Try not to burn 'em down, I'll need a few of 'em in a decade or two."

The two shared a look, shrugged, and then went to the house that was two down, likely so as to avoid any noise issues at night.

Just before heading off.. Haku turned to me and bowed. "Thank you, Sasuke-san."

I shrugged. "S'nothin'. It's good to see you're both still up and about. Er, if the old warhawk with the bandaged eye comes around, or if someone shows up asking you to go with 'em, come and get me. And don't sleep with any strange women sent to get knocked up with ya, pretty-boy." I grinned one of my mischievous, favorite-kid-brother grins, the kind that Naruto has perfected.

He smiled, a dry chuckled escaping his feminine lips. "I'll try to resist the temptation, though I get the feeling I'll be approached by more men than women."

...

"Well, so long as whoever it is makes you happy, it doesn't much matter, I suppose..."

He blinked, and after a moment, he blushed bright red. "W-what? N-no, no! That's not what I meant! I'm not interested in guys!"

"Whatever you say, Shota."

...And I shut the door, chuckling as I heard his shout of angrish.

Heheh, I think he's going to be unhappy when he finds out that EVERYONE is calling him that...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Over TWENTY THOUSAND views! And over EIGHTY reviews! Awesomesauce! **_

_**...Allllll over Anko's face. Heheh, bukkake!**_


	38. Chapter 38 Big Mistake

**Naruto; What If**

**Fifth Arc; Golden Age**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 38 - Big Mistake...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**One week later...**

Today's been a pain in the ass ever since I woke up...

Anko had to run out the door early, said she had a mission of some sorts. So my balls were feeling blue as shinobi sandals.

Moving on. Zabuza and Haku got through the Anbu examination, so they were good to go as ninjas. However.

They were restricted to lower-level missions until their probationary period expired, so I had to hear them complain a bit. Not much, but enough to leave me feeling annoyed over it. Not to menton Haku got real pissed off after he got called Shota by nearly half the village.

...I thought it was pretty funny. Really brightened my day.

Which, I tried to spend training, but I was ALWAYS getting called off by something or another. Couldn't even get a chance to take a piss without everyone and his mother coming to bug the piss outta me.

Had to hear Tenten bitch me out about something... Not sure what, since I was kinda tuning her out, but something.

After that, it was my day off, and I STILL had to go and run an errand for Tsunade. Apparently, she'd gotten a bit drunk and needed someone who could perfectly copy several documents, down to the smallest detail.

...Since I happen to have a sharingan, guess who got voluntold to get crackin'?

Ugh... My wrists were killing me. That stack of papers was at least two feet high!

Anyway...

By the time I got all that done, wound up fetching her coffee and booze,(More booze, I should say) it was dark out.

So I was on my way to the training field to finally work on my lightning-nature chakra some more.

However.

Above all that, there was somehting that was pissing me off even more. All day, it felt like someone was watching me...

I could feel their eyes following me, hidden in the shadows.

Really unnerving.

As I marched down to the training field, I figured I would yell at whoever it was to come out and fight me, othewise I was going hunting.

...Wait...

OH SHIT!

Kin is fixing dinner tonight... Fuck, fuck, fuck!

I turned, hauling ass down the road. Ack, if I was late, she was going to beat me with a bloody ladle, and those things really hurt!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I was running down the main route, the one leading directly to the main gate but happened to also run right by the Uchiha compound. I got halfway when the hair on the back of my neck stood on-end...

Coming to a dead stop, I activated my sharingan, turning around to glare at whoever had just...

...Snuck up and surrounded me. Fuck.

Four individuals... Wearing similar outfits... Greyish white tunics and purple rope-belts...

...?

Orochimaru's goons? Hmm...

...Right, the Sound Four.

"So, you're the punks who've been following me all day. Finally grew some balls when I was all alone, ya?"

The first to speak was the effeminate one with white-ish hair, however the redheaded girl started snickering. "Shut up, Tayuya. We are the Sound Four. And you are coming with us."

I quirked an eyebrow. "Oh? Or what, mister fairy? You gonna sic your siamese twin on me? Or is spidey here gonna spit cobwebs at me? Ooh, ooh, maybe the big guy'll do something unpredictable!... Like trying to sit on me. Hell, maybe ginger on the other end'll play me a lullaby."

...I think I pissed a few of them off, 'cept the redhead. She was chuckling, shaking her head. "Heheh, I like him, he's funny. Heheheheheh, maybe that's why Orochimaru wants his sorry ass."

...Two of the other three turned and glared at her. "He's only funny 'cuz you've both got the same fucked-up sense of humor. Now can we please get on with this?"

"What, you missing your late-night pedicure?" I looked at my wrist. I wasn't wearing a watch, but I wanted to be a dick. "Oh, wouldja look at the time? Yeah, please do get on with it. I'm getting old over here."

I shifted into my stance, hand on my sword when I felt the slightest twinge in my neck...

Followed by a sting.

"Gah! What the f-" I grabbed my neck, slapping whatever'd stung me. Agh, bloody perfect time for a mos-

...

It was a dart... My eyes snapped right over to the spot where it must've come from...

Sitting there holding a blowgun, was Kabuto. "Well, my work's done." ...And the clone vanished. A shadow clone... Bloody fuck...

I could feel my body slowing down... Damnit!

Turning my murderous glare back on the four stooges, I surged my chakra, forcing my eyes to stay open. "Well... Not my lucky day... C'mon, assholes. I'll show you why they call me the strongest Genin..." ...And I shunshiend, already swining my blade, a dozen shadow clones appearing around my enemy, moving in...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Kin was hidden amongst the nearby trees, having been searching for Sasuke. Instead...

She found him engaged in combat with the Sound Four, and what's worse...

He was _losing. _

_'But how... I've seen him fight before. His level of strength is well above theirs, even together... He's moving so slowly, looking exhausted... But why...' _

Kin knew she couldn't move at this point, otherwise she'd be found. For some reason... She didn't want to go back. In the time she had spent here in the Leaf, she was happy.., Sasuke was kind, if a bit snarky. Whenever she needed to talk to someone, he would sit there and listen, throwing out his unfiltered opinions and giving advice.

If she had to guess... He didn't enjoy admitting that he was nice, and had the self-image of someone cold and callous. He would play off anything nice he did, saying he felt just like it. Such a strange person, for a ninja.

But she didn't have time to think on such things. All Kin could do, was plan what she would do once the fight was over, and those four were gone. They weren't trying to kill him, just incapacitate.

But why...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

It took another thirty minutes before he finally slipped up again, getting caught in Kidomaru's web. An instant later, Jirobo had whallopped him over the head, and Kidomaru wrapped him up the rest of the way. Then they all took off, running out of the village as fast as possible.

Kin let out a breath she hadn't noticed she was holding, and took off, running faster than she'd ever run before...

She got to the Hokage Tower quick as a blink, bursting into the Hokage's office.

"Hokage-sama!"

Tsunade looked up, giving a start. Kin rushed over, panting, trying to explain.

"S-sasuke's been abducted!"

"WHAT?!" Tsunade shouted, standing up, complete shock in her expression.

"The Sound Four found him. I don't know who they were able to beat him but they did! They just ran out of the village with him tied up!"

Tsunade floped down in her chair, glowering, trying to come up with a plan...

Most all of the Jounin and competant Chuunin were out of the village... She'd even just sent out those two new shinobi from Kiri on a few C-ranks, and they wouldn't be back for days...

"Damn!..." She had only one Anbu remaining at the moment, and he was required to remain in the village at all times.

"Anbu!" In an instant, her personal guard and Anbu commander appeared by her side.

"Yes, Hokage-sama?"

"Go and fetch Shikamaru Nara, tell him to get his lazy ass here IMMEDIATELY."

He nodded, and vanished.

Tsunade only hoped she had enough forces remaining to send out a rescue party strong enough to deal with an enemy capable of taking out Sasuke... She was well aware of the boy's strength, and a squad of four that could take him down had to be at minimum high Chuunin, but more than likely Jounin...

Even low-ranking Jounin were a serious threat if one wasn't prepared...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Shikamaru walked in some fifteen minutes later, dressed in full combat gear, looking haggard.

"You called for me, Hokage-sama?"

"Yes. It seems Sasuke has been kidnapped, by a group of four of Orochimaru's henchmen. They are all at least high-Chuunin in terms of ability. I simply don't have the resources to send out a proper rescue party of Jounin at the moment; therefore, your mission is to lead one. I want you to round up a competant team of whichever Genin you see fit, and go get back our Uchiha."

Shikamaru was floored. He was woken up by an Anbu banging on his window, telling him to get to the Hokage's office immediately. Now he's being told that a squad of high ranking ninjas that were able to take down Sasuke had run off with him, and HE was supposed to go get him back with a handfull of Genin?!

"...Hokage-sama, while I can't refuse an order, I would just like to point out that-"

"Save it. Scold me about how this is a suicide mission after you get back. Now go. OH, and before you leave... There's someone I want you to take with you..."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I woke up to the sound of someone banging on my door, and I blinked away the sleep in my eyes.

"Ugh... Better not be Kakashi-sensei.."

I carefully maneuvered out of bed, leaving Hina-chan to sleep in while I pulled on my boxers and welt to grumble at whoever woke me up.

Pulling the door open, Shikamaru and Choji were standing on my doorstep, looking solemn.

"Shikamaru? Choji? Uh, what's going on...?"

"No time to explain. Get dressed and ready for an A-rank mission, Sasuke's been kidnapped."

"WHAT?!"

"Shut up! Just go and get ready, meet us at the gate!"

...And they both turned and ran off, to Kami-knows-where.

WHILE SASUKE HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED!

I ran through my apartment like a tornado, grabbing this and that, my sword and bag, gear and clothes, everything I needed...

Hinata-chan woke up at some point, drowsily walking into the living room, rubbing her eyes.

"Naruto-kun...? What's wrong?" She was a heavy sleeper, but I guess my shout got even her up.

"Sasuke's been kidnapped! Shika is leading a mission to get him back. I'm sorry Hina-chan, but I'll be back as soon as I can." I was already at the door, just when her arms wrapped around me with surprising strength.

"Naruto-kun!"

"Y-yes?" Her breasts were... Th-they were... Ah,

"Come back to me. And bring Sasuke with you... Just don't you dare get yourself hurt."

I couldn't help smiling as I turned and kissed my lovely Hina-chan, saying, "I'll be back, no matter what, dattebayo."

She smiled that sad smile of hers as I ran out the door, intent on bringing my friend home.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

At the gate, I found Shikamaru, Choji, Kiba, Neji, and Rock Lee all waiting.

"Huh? You guys are coming, too?"

Nods all around, as both Neji and Lee shared a look.

"Sasuke... Made me see myself for who I was, and has since helped me in a way that I hadn't even noticed until recently." Neji sounded... Different, somehow. Slightly reverant, even. Huh. I remember Sasuke chewed him out big time, and made the stuck-up guy question his own beliefs. I guess after our match, he... Figured out what Sasuke was trying to show him. But I dunno what he means by that last statement...

Rock Lee smiled, saying, "I spoke with Guy-sensei and heard what really happened during the preliminaries. I cannot stand and allow Sasuke to be hurt when he risked himself to do the same for me." Huh...? I thought everyone who was there knew what happened... Heh, guess Sasuke was being modest again.

I grinned, seeing all these random people gathered up to help a friend...

"Right! let's go bring back Sasuke!"

...They stared at me. "...What?"

"Yeah... Let's make a plan before we all go running off into the dragon's mouth, Naruto."

Pfffft... As if a PLAN ever helped ninjas before they even knew what they were fighting...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Shikamaru announced his basic strategy, and we were off in a single-file line, leaping through the trees. This forest is massive... How the hell do people get around in this country, anyway?!

...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**I! AM! BACK! BITCHES! **_

_**Yes, I am planning to move further into Shippunden. I'll not say anything more on the subject.**_

_**Yes, this is the Sasuke Retrieval arc. Obligatory, really.**_

_**What happens during the time-skip is a secret, for me to know and you to lose sleep over. Heheheh.**_


	39. Chapter 39 Do I Offend?

**Naruto; What If**

**Fifth Arc; Golden Age**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 39 - Do I Offend?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

As the Sound Four finally sat down to rest after hastily setting traps around the perimitter, Complaints were heard all around.

"Hah... Huuh... Dear Kami... No wonder Orochimaru wanted that brat... Struck with one of Kabuto's tranquilizers and he could still put up that much of a fight..." Kidomaru was shaking his head, his three sets of arms crossed over his chest.

"For nearly an _hour. _Starting to think Kabuto's losing his edge..." Sakon grumbled, idly scratching his brother's head.

"Whattaya mean _starting_ to? Tch, that asshat has been about as useful as a wet fucking match after he nearly got his ass caught during the invasion." Tayuya lounged on top of the barrel Sasuke was sealed into, picking her teeth.

"Tayuya. I suggest you get off of the barrel." Jirobo was frowning, a slight look of worry etched into his chubby features.

"Huh? Why? S'not like Sasuke-kun here's gonna mind. Right, Sasuke?" She thenkicked the side of the barrel a couple times, chuckling darkly.

"As Kidomaru has stated, it took nearly all of our combined strength to incapacitate Sasuke when he was under the influence of a tranquilizer intended for ninjas. Just think for a moment what might happen if he _wakes up_, and find himself inside that barrel?" The big guy was annoyed at her oblivious nature sometimes, but she was the spirit of the group, providing at least some entertainment at the darkest of times.

As the color drained from the redhead's face, she immediately hopped off the makeshift prison, keeping a healthy distance from it. "Point taken... I think he might be a little miffed about that..."

"_Damn right..._" The four of them hear a voice call... Specifically, Sasuke's voice, from all around them...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"_Damn right..._" Naruto mimicked, trying his best not to snicker, as Kiba had a hand over his won mouth, keeping his mirth in check. They'd been surrounding the four Sound ninjas, listening in on their conversation, and Naruto decided to mess with 'em a little.

"_And when I get out of here... I think I'll seal all FOUR of you in this thing. Might lend you idiots a sense of perspective..._" Naruto called again, grinning to himself. This was fucking hilarious!

The four Oto-nins were apprehensive, on their feet, trying to come up with a plan of action, and determine whether or not Sasuke could actually get out of the barrel. Just then...

***THUMPK!***

The entire barrel rocked, as if kicked from in the inside! The Sound Four all collectively took a step back, looking scared shitless. That, was Shikamaru's doing.

"_Just you wait... This barrier won't hold me for long!_"

Heheheheheheheh, those Sound ninjas were terrified! Hahahahahahahaa!

"H-he's right... C'mon, he can't get out yet, or he would've gotten out already! Let's just get him back to the hideout, then he's Orochimaru's problem." Wait, shit! We fucked up. Now they want to get him there ever faster! Not good.

...Well, guess we can't just scare 'em off. Time for a fight!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

While the six of them were stuck in Jirobo's dome, something happened.

Naruto had an epiphany...

While his friends and comrades were arguing over how to get out, what technique to use, where to attack, complaining about their chakra being drained, and bitching about Shikamaru being a gutless, spineless little dweeb, Naruto finally realised something...

The reason Sasuke always seemed to come out on top, was that he never stopped until he won. He didn't ever pull back, slow down, let up or retreat. He would hammer at whatever problem was hindering him a million different ways until he finally got through. And here Naruto found himself, stuck under a fucking _rock_ of all things, his friend and the one person he considered to be a brother not twenty feet away, being dragged off to Kami-knows-where by people working for Orochimaru...

And he had let them get away.

'_If it were me being dragged away... Sasuke would never stop until he killed them all, and dragged me back if he had to... He'd get it done, even with his dying breath. Fuck this._' Naruto thought, pulling Samehada from his back. He'd had enough of this fucking prison.

"EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!" ...Silence.

All five of them were staring at Naruto, as he was radiating chakra and killing intent, the massive bandaged sword slung across his shoulder.

"Outta my way." He was walking forward, towards the spot where Shika had pointed out the enemy to be.

"Naruto, what're you..." The Nara wisely moved well out of the blonde's way, anxiously wondering what he was going to do...

"HEY FATASS!" Naruto yelled, thankfully not meaning Choji, otherwise there would be two bodies on the ground by now. Naruto reared back, his chakra flaring, just before he swung the six-foot weapon with all his might...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

As I hacked at the wall with Sharky,(Sharkskin, as Sasuke called it. Fitting name for the blade under the bandages) it cleaved clean through the rock, connecting with the mostly-bald fat bastard on the other side. He was sent hurtling backwards, blood and chunks of rock flying in his wake.

"...And _stay_ down." I couldn't really think of anything else to say, since 'rock out' or 'you got stoned' didn't quite fit. I'd say it was still pretty badass, since I could feel the reverant stares on my back.

"Whoa... Just what the hell _is_ that thing..." Kiba muttered, staring in shock at the sword Naruto was using. He had struck the wall with his fang over fang attack several times, to no avail, yet when Naruto swung that sword at it just once...

Jirobo was on his back, feeling drained, a big chunk of his side now looking like, excuse the expression, chum. As he tried to sit up, Naruto placed a foot on his chest,laying him flat on the ground, none too gently.

"Where are they taking him?" Despite how I felt, my voice was calm.

"Ugh... I can't-"

"You CAN. And you will tell me. Or you will die." I slammed the point of Samehada into the ground next to his head, the sword digesting fatso's chakra.

"Naruto! Forget him, we'll follow the others! Choji, stick around and keep that guy from leaving. The Hokage's sure to want a word with him. I'm counting on you, buddy." Shikamaru announced, sending a thumbs-up to the chubby boy, who returned the gesture.

I nodded, figuring that we were probably better off just catching up to those other three than taking the time to interrogate this one. "Right. Let's get moving!"

...And we took off.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We soon caught up with the rest of the Sound ninjas, this time Shikamaru screwing up and getting caught. The guy with six arms tried to slow us down, but oddly enough, Neji was the one to fight him, insisting the rest of us went on ahead.

...It was annoying, but we had to get Sasuke. Besides, I'm pretty sure Neji can handle this freak... Whatever. We'll help him on our way back

Moving along, again we caught up with the enemy, this time Shikamaru's plan actually worked... Except the part where Akamaru tripped and got caught in a trap, forcing Kiba to drop down from the trees and rescue his partner, only to get his ass blown sky-high. I heard both of them, along with the really gay-looking enemy get dropped down into a ravine.

Figures... And we still had the redhead chasing us. Not my lucky day.

Especially since we walked right into an ambush set by another enemy, this one with white hair, his whole body looking... Emaciated. But what was worse... The Sound girl looked afraid of him, yet equally inspired by him. She had said something about him being out here with 'One foot in the grave,' whatever that meant...

Shikamaru yelled at me to chase after Sasuke and the white-haired wierdo while he and Rock Lee dealt with the foul-mouthed girl. Well... I guess that lazy bum can handle her, seeing as he was able to come up with a plan that _would _have worked perfectly, had there not been a fifth enemy ninja, and he's got bushy-brows to help.

If there was one consolation, the _look _on that girl's face when I jumped over her head was priceless.

Whatever... I'll deal with sick-guy first, then help Shika and the others. Then we'll all head back home. Hopefully in one piece.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Auugh..." I woke up feeling... Whoa... Drowsy as hell... Kinda like that time when Anko slipped me a huuuge dose of aphrodisiac... 'Cuz damn, we'd kept going to where we both had blacked out.

But, ah... This time, no, this time I woe up in a very cramped position, stuck inside something dark and musty...

Ugh... And it stinks... What the fuck...

Where... Am I?

Wait... I can hear... The sounds of battle...

Oh... Right. I got captured by those freaks... Back in the village... So where am I now?

...

DOES. NOT. MATTER.

They fucking stuffed me in a fucking BARREL.

This is not Donkey-Kong. FUCK THIS SHIT.

My hands came together, chakra flaring, sharingan flashing, as I grit my teeth and forced my chakra to flow like lightning...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I was breathing hard, trying not to heave my lunch. This guy was... Ugh, he turned my stomache just looking at him. He pulled his own _bones _out of his body to use as weapons... Eugh, disgusting...

And then he-

***Pul-Chichichichichichi!-Thuh-BULTSCH!*** What the...

Both I and bone-guy turned to stare at the barrel Sasuke'd been stuffed in, and saw it busted wide open...

With Sasuke standing in what remained of it, his back to us, chidori still in the palm of his hand...

He had chakra and killing intent rolling off him in waves, just as he turned and glared at the white-haired guy. When he finally spoke...

"I don't know who you are... But you have to the count of ten... _To get the __**FUCK **__out of my sight. __**ONE**__._" Oh, shit... I feel sorry for this guy...

Sasuke was free...

AND HE WAS _PISSED_.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"_**TWO.**_" Kimmimaro's eyes narrowed, and he forced his curse seal to activate, its power changing his body, increasing his power, but drastically shortening his lifespan.

"...Ten." And I shunshined, bringing chidori down in an overhead arc, leaving a deep gash in the punk's back before he could finish his transformation. I'll give him this, though; he was quick enough to avoid getting cut in half.

Naruto then struck, landign a kick that sent the already-reeling enemy back even further.

Naruto was by my side, smirking, summoning a few dozen shadow clones.

"Naruto. Plan Terra Nova." The blonde gave a start, staring at me.

"...You sure about that?"

"Positive. We don't have time to fuck around with the punk, since if you're alone, anyone else you brought with you must be engaging the enemy."

Naruto gulped. Terra Nova was a scorched-earth policy... Kill 'em all, at any cost. A free-for-all tactic that basicly meant stay out of each other's way, go all-out, and create openings; just make sure the enemy dies.

"...Alright. Let's put this freak down and help the others." I nodded, and we both set in for a grueling battle...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I went straight in, summonging seven shadow clones to assist, whereas Naruto had dozens that were intent on overwhelming Kimmimaro. Not likely, since he was destroying them in droves, but it was tiring him... He wouldn't last much longer than an hour or two of fighting, tops. I intended to end this fight in ten minutes or less.

While Naruto had the bastard distracted...

I summoned two more shadow clones. "Triad! Let's get him in one shot." They nodded, as the three of us formed chidori, splitting up and attacking from three angles...

Naruto had several clones attacking with rasengan, of which only one or two connected, causing relatively minor damage through the bone armor. Naruto simply hasn't gotten fast enough to keep up or outpace Kimmimaro...

But I am.

While Naruto kept him busy, my clones and I surrounded and overtook the boney bastard.

"HEY ASSHOLE!" He glanced in my direction...

"TAKE YOUR BONER ELSEWHERE!" And BAM!

While he was staring at me like an idiot, one of my clones made impact; a chidori went through his arm, severing the limb from the elbow down.

In slight shock, he didn't quite manage to dodge the second clone, taking off his leg mid-dodge, while I...

Jumped, and came down from above, chidori at the forefront; his spine-sword desintigrated as the pure energy split what was left of him in half. The moment I hit the ground, I dispelled the technique, already moving befor ehis body hit the ground.

"Naruto! Where are the others?"

He, too, was already moving, shouting, "Follow me! We need to save Lazy-ass and Bushy-brows!" Lazy-ass and...?

Shikamaru and Lee... Hmm...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We leapt through the trees, until we heard the sounds of battle...

Judging from what I heard... They were fighting Tayuya. The shouted curses kinda helped me make that conclusion. "Hmph... Naruto, reinforce those two. I'll deal with the foul-mouthed bitch."

He nodded, taking off. I shunshined from point to point, following my ears...

Where... There!

She was hiding behind a tree, one hand clutching a wound in her flank that was bleeding profusely. A knife, methinks. In her other hand she held a flute that was damaged, as she glared at the instrument in question, gritting her teeth.

Not worth killing... She's fairly useless without that flute. In my fight against her and the other three, she stayed back, attempting to hit me with genjutsu; my sharingan pretty much negated its effects, allowing me to fight on without worrying much about her. So long as I'm around, she's no threat.

I landed silently, effortlessly walktzing right up behind her, on the side she wasn't looking. Wasn't too hard, just had to increase the amount of chakra I used to cling to the tree, so I wasn't actually making contact with it. Therefore, no footsteps.

Heheh. Anyway, when I was riiiight up next to her, I carefully clapped her on the shoulder.

"SO! How you doin'?" I asked, scaring her shitless. Damn, she jumped half a foot!

As Tayuya slowly turned her head to stare into my eyes, I smiled... Not a kind, nor even a happy smile. It was practically malicious... She shivered, and I could see the fear overtaking her senses.

"Four-eyes isn't here to help you this time... I think I'll take that." One hand keeping her from escaping, and with the other I took the flute form her hands, crushing it in my grip. She swallowed hard, parts of her body still shaking... Sweat was forming on her neck, and I was guessing the fatigue from using her curse seal was dragging her down.

"Still care to fight, or would you prefer to live long enough to see tomorrow?" I proposed, brushing the shards of her instrument from my hand.

"...Do I even have a fucking choice?"

Heh, at least she still has spirit. "Nope, just being polite. Here's payback for stickin' me in that fucking barrel." I brought my fist down on the back of her head, hard.

...Her entire body went slack, as she slumped over. Now, then...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After stripping her of her clothes and equipment, I bound her limbs with steel wire, using a minor fire jutsu to weld the ends together; there was no untying this, only having someone cut it loose. After that, I stuffed her panties in her mouth and slung her over my shoulder. Job's done, time to head back.

After hopping through the trees and following the feel of Naruto's chakra, I regrouped with the others.

"Yo! Sorry for all the trouble, guys. Let's get back and find the others, lest I get stuck carrying more bodies back home." The three of them stared, notably Shikamaru. His jaw was slack, eye twitching. Him and Lee had been fighting her for nearly half an hour, and I took her down and completely _humiliated_ the bitch in, what, fifteen seconds?

"H... How did you..."

"Very fucking carefully. I'm damn-near immune to genjutsu, so she's nothing but cannon fodder to me. Now let's get moving, I don't want any dead comrades on my conscience." He nodded, starting off, leading us back the route they'd taken. Lee gave me a strange look.

"Sasuke, why did you strip her naked after defeating her? I didn't know you had those kind of interests..." I gave him a blank stare.

"It's so she thinks twice about trying to escape. Would you want to run through the forest bare-naked with both arms and legs tied, back to the hideout of a criminal? And she's a girl, so that kinda thing would be even more dangerous for her. Not to mention, Orochimaru doesn't take failure lightly. Returning to him after failing a mission is paramount to suicide. Besides, extra T-bag factor; I gagged her with her own underwear, and I get to drag her sorry ass through the streets naked."(When I say tea-bag, I mean a satchel of tea leaves for making tea. T-bag is the humiliating gesture of crouching over a downed person's head, simulating the act of dropping my balls in their mouth)

"...You don't take being defeated lightly, do you?" I shrugged, and not gently.(She'll probably be bruised to hell and back by the time we return to the village, since we're leaping from branch to branch. I patched up her side when I stripped her, so she won't bleed out)

"Not when they needed to drug me to do so. Kabuto sent a shadow clone that got me in the neck with a tranquilizer before the fight even began. If not for that, I would've mopped the floor with those idiots. A victory may be just so, but still. A dishonorable method is returned with another. Tch, today's been nothing but a pain in my ass ever since I got outta bed... Should'a slept in."

He shot me a sympathetic look, and I get the feeling he's had days like that, himself. I think everyone has.

Heheh, well... Least it has a happy ending.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We reached what looked like a massive ravine...

Hmph. Finding someone down there is gonna be difficult.

"Damn... Shikamaru, who else was on your squad?"

"Kiba, who fell down there with one of the enemy, Neji, who stayed back to fight someone who had multiple sets of arms, and Choji, who remained behind to restrain the one called Jirobo."

Hmm...

"Alright. I want you to take Naruto and Kiba to assist Neji and Choji, then head back to the village. I'll go find Kiba and head back as well."

He stared at me. "...You sure about that? They're after you, y'know..."

I shrugged. "The only one I can think of that could beat me would be Orochimaru himself, and if he intended to do that, he would've done so. He sent Kimmimaro out, so I doubt he'll commit any more resources than he already has. He's probably expecting those five to return with me in tow soon enough, anyway... So let's get moving while we can."

He nodded, turning and gesturing for the blonde and bowl-head to follow, as I hopped down, into the ravine...

Afted catching myself on the side and sliding down, I landing at the bottom. It seems the river, now a waterfall, carved this scar into the earth...

And it looked like a battle took place, recently. Moving... Downstream. Hm.

Guess I'll follow the water...

And the blood.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Moving on the water's surface, I moved fast as I could, and eventually... I could hear them.

"_Heh heh heh... I've already found you._" Hmm... This voice was... Different.

"_Guh... Shit... So that's how..._" Kiba... His voice was ragged. Sounded like he'd been injured.

I carefully moved further downstream, and saw him... Sakon, I think. He looked like a demon, his skin red, with a horn on his forehead. He was walking ashore, into the trees...

"_Yes... I used your own jacket, since you wouldn't be able to notice a smell that you're always around..._" Ukon, then? Hm. Eesh, I can't tell the two apart. Ah, well...

I summoned a shadow clone, pawning the KO'd girl onto him, and carefully moving closer, catching the scene...

Damnit. They were moving closer, getting ready for the kill...

"OY!" All three of them turned, staring at me.

"If you're looking for me, ya fairy, I'm right here." I smirked, walking forward, chakra surging, my sword slung across my shoulders...

My clone stepped into view well behind me, Tayuya carelessly slung across his shoulder. I saw the twins' eyes widen, and they both seemed to gulp, looking apprehensive.

"Kimmimaro wasn't much of a warm-up, y'know... So unless you wish to die in a very painful, graphic, and disturbing manner... _Step away from the boy._"

I took a step forward, glaring straight into the normal-looking one's eyes... He was closer to Kiba, and therefore more of a threat.

...

Three sets of his muscles tensed...

I shunshined, landing in front of him in a crouch, swinging my sword...

He just barely ducked, the blade embedding itself in the tree he'd been slouching against, as I forced lightning-nature chakra to flow through my other arm...

***Pul-Chichichichichichi!*** ...Forming chidori, in its most raw, unfocused form...

...Just as I jabbed that arm straight through the punk's chest. His eyes widened, just before his features contorted into pure agony.

"**Guh... GUUUUAAAAAAGGGHHH!**" His screams were like music to my ears...

Just before I shunshined again, but to others' eyes... I simply vanished.

"Ukon!" I heard the other one shout, just before he turned, instincts saving him...

...Only just. I had landed behind him, thrusting my blade with the intent of impaling him.

He knocked it aside, keeping a tight grip on it, keeping the weapon immobile by sacrifing that hand.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" I simply smiled.

"Die." ...And then I flowed lightning-natured chakra through the weapon.

The effect was immediate, effective, and brutal. Electricity went from the steel, through his hand, his arm, and then his entire body... Particularly his heart and brain.

After maintaining the flow for a solid thirty seconds, I cut it short, and he fell to the ground, his muscles no longer clenched.

"U...ko...on..." His final words, as he lay there, twitching involuntarily.

"Hmph. And so it ends..." I raised my weapon again, flipping it underhand, and bringing the point down on his neck.

"Uhuuh..." Kiba was still sitting there, panting, staring at me in shock as I sheathed my weapon.

My clone trudged over to our position, looking around...

Sakon and Ukon were both dead; their residual chakra had dissipated, hearts stopped, and there were no traces of life that I could detect. It was over.

So, first things first. I moved over to Kiba, taking a knee.

"Where you hit?" I had seen blood pooling on the ground...

He shifted Akamaru out of his lap, moving his hands... "Right flank... Kunai wound."

Alright... Enough info to go with. I pulled off his plated vest, dropping it to the ground and pulling my med-kit from my pouch. "Hmm... Lotta bloodloss... Alright. Here," I plucked my bottle of blood-replenishment pills, handing him two. That would hold him over until it healed itself, or we reached the village, hopefully.

He swallowed the two dry, and pulled up his mesh shirt, letting me get at the wound itself. Sterilize it, first... I pulled out a bottle of antiseptic, dousing a pad in the stuff. After, I held that against the injury, to slow the loss of blood and prevent infection, and wrapped bandages around his torso to keep it in place. Though he flinched when I put pressure on it, he remained still. Once that was done, he dropped the shirt back in place, and pulled his vest back on over it.

"Agh... Thanks." rubbing alchohol always burns like a motherfucker on a fresh injury, especially a deep one.

"It's my fault anyway, getting my sorry ass captured. You and Akamaru gonna be alright?" I pulled him to his feet, as he carried his dog.

"Yeah, I think so. What happened, anyway?"

"I got hit with a tranquilizer, and they overwhelmed me. It wore off a little while ago, and I broke out of that damn barrel. After that, Naruto and I took down the leader of the Sound Five, who had come to help his subordinates, then we came back and knocked out Tayuya over there," I hooked a thumb at my shadow clone, who was holding the broad. "And then came back to find the rest of Shika'a squad. Those other three should be helping Neji right about now... You good to go, or would you prefer a ride?"

He gave me a funny look. "Uh, what do you mean by ride?"

I smirked, bringing my hands together. "I did learn a few things from Anko, y'know... Summoning jutsu!" I used about... three-fifths of the chakra needed for Manda.

*POOF!*

...And I found myself thirty feet in the air, looking down from atop a massive, green constrictor.

"HMM? WHO HASSSS SSSSUMMONED ME?"

I moved further up, directly atop his nose.

"Hello, friend. My name is Sasuke Uchiha."

I could feel his eyes staring, sizing me up...

"AHHH... THE PRODIGAL YOUNG BOY WHO SSSSSUMMONED LORD MANDA... MY NAME ISSSSS SSSSSARANDI. WHAT ISSSSS IT YOU REQUIRE?"

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Sarandi. Would you carry myself and my comrades to the Leaf village? I have caused them a lot of trouble, and it would be rude of me not to help the injured to return home."

The great snake seemed to nod, and then lowered his down close to the ground, which took some quick reactions on my part not to fall off. "VERY WELL... YOU ARE FAR MORE RESSSSPECTFUL THAN THE LASSSST INDIVIDUAL TO SSSSUMMON ME. YOU THERE, THE ONE WHO REEKSSSS OF DOG AND BLOOD... CLIMB UP."

Kiba's jaw was on the ground, as he stared up at us... Then he grinned, shaking his head. "Man... You and Naruto both are trying to make me look bad." He took a running jump, landing atop the great snake with a stumble, before carefully walking over to join me on the neck.

"Geeze... When the hell did you learn to summon?" He asked, as I sat down to catch my breath...

I was somewhere around twenty to thirty percent chakra... If I was lucky, I wouldn't have to fight much more, but I had soldier pills if I really needed it. Anyway, my clone had already jumped up, depositing Tayuya in my lap and dispelling himself, just before I answered Kiba's query.

"During the training period for the Chuunin exams, while Naruto learned how to summon frogs from Jiraiya, I learned from Anko to summon snakes. They're surprisingly helpful, despite many having antisocial tendencies. Sarandi here is quite friendly, considering the other great snake I summoned."

"MANDA ISSSS NOT KNOWN FOR HISSSS KINDNESSSSS. THOUGH IT ISSSS UNKNOWN TO MANY OUTSSSSIDE OF OUR CLAN, HE WASSSS ONSSSSE A FAR GENTLER SSSSOUL... THOUGH THAT ISSSS NOT MY SSSSSTORY TO TELL." Sarandi rumbled beneath us, as he effortlessly ascended ravine, bringing us into the forest, traveling far faster than we had through the trees.

Hmm... So Manda wasn't always an asshole? There's a shocker.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

A short while after getting out of that ravine, Sarandi slowed to a crawl, his tongue slipping out, tasting the air...

"SSSSSASSSSUKE... THERE ARE FOUR INDIVIDUALSSSS AHEAD... THEY ARE NOT MOVING." Four? Hmm... I suppose that means Naruto and co found Neji, since he said four... Hmm...

"Alright... Move towards them, but remain cautious and alert. We might be walking into a trap, friendly or no."

The great snake nodded, proceding forward, significantly slower than before.

I surged my chakra, just as a precaution, since they'd sense that before they heard Sarandi. Besides... We were riding a giant bloody snake, it's not like we could be stealthy about it. Anyway. Some ten minutes later, movement caught my eye...

Just as Naruto and Rock Lee jumped down from above, landing just twenty feet away.

"Sasuke! Where the hell'd you find a snake like that?!" He exclaimed, gaping.

I simply grinned. "I told you I mastered summoning! Where're Neji and Shika?" ...As I asked, Shikamaru dropped down from a nearby tree, the passed-out Hyuuga in his arms. Ah, shit. White-eye is down for the count.

"Ah, there you guys are. Hop on, we're riding back to the village in style."

...Que sweatdrops all around. "A giant snake is 'riding in style...?' "

"...Would you prefer to walk?"

Cue their instand face-heel-turn on the subject.

"No, no, the snake is fine."

"Yeah, the snakemobile is a great choice!"

"No complaints here... None at all."

...Ya can't afford to be fucking picky in a huge forest, y'know.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

The ride back further to Choji's position took about half an hour. The chubby boy's jaw was on the ground, and his prisoner, too, was looking shocked.

"H-how did..." Jirobo, the fat one, was on the ground with a huge-ass hunk of his side missing, lying in a pool of blood. It looked like something had taken a bite out of him... I doubt he'd live much longer. Not to mention, one of his arms and both of his legs were bound with steel wire, his one free arm keeping pressure on a medical dressing covering his injury. Not that it was helping much.

"Yo. Hop on, Choji, my man. Time for the victory lap." I swear, if he didn't have a mouthfull of chips, he probably would stand there gaping for another ten minutes.

Anyway... Him and Rock Lee carted the injured Oto-nin onto Sarandi, and I addressed my friends and comrades. "Right-o then, lads; first off, I'm sorry for dragging the lot of you into this. The entire mission is my fault, and I'll see to it you're all compensated for coming out here and pulling my sorry ass outta the fire."

I turned, and addressed our one conscience prisoner, giving him my customary prisoner speech. "Jirobo, seeing as you and your comrades were able to beat me, I respect you for that, and I won't be the one to interrogate you, seeing as I'd frankly enjoy seeing you in pain. However, seeing as this is my ship, er, snake, you will obey my rules, and not fuck with me. Because as it stands, I will feed you to Sarandi. Piece. By. Bloody. Fucking. Piece. Clear?"

He swallowed, though it probably pained him. "...Crystal."

I beamed. "Good, good. If you're lucky, the Anbu will have a medic put your ass back together before they tear you apart again. And just remember, I'll be the one they send out after either of you that escapes. _And I don't take prisoners._"

...I think that did the trick, because he took note of Tayuya, who he'd been dropped next to, and the fact that she'd been beaten and humiliated. Not to mention, he was fatally wounded and surrounded by six enemies. I didn't envy him the odds, I'll tell ya.

Welp, Sarandi kicked it into high-gear and high-tailed us outta there, and back to the village less than two hours later.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

It was... Roughly two or three in the afternoon when we walked through the village gates, my having dismissed Sarandi just outside of them with my thanks. He was the most polite of the snakes I'd met, since the only others had been Manda and a few of Anko's personal summons. One of which has the ability to secrete several different types of poison for all sorts of different applications, including one that happens to be an extremely potent paralysis agent and aphrodisiac- Ah, ahem.

Er, anyway. I carried Tayuya over my shoulder, her being my trophy of that whole event, and so as to provide more of that good ol' T-bag factor. We marched straight up and into Tsunade's office, save for Choji and Kiba, since they carried the injured Hyuuga and escorted Jirobo into the hospital, as she gasped when seeing us waltz right in with a prisoner, all of us looking more than a little beat-up. (Well, 'cept Naruto, he wasn't too bad off. I was looking haggard and covered in a good bit of blood. Hell, I felt haggard after that episode...)

"Reporting in, Tsunade. Mission success, with bonus parameters achieved. However, we have one casualty, and one wounded, along with one heavily injured prisoner. This one," I dumped Tayuya's form on the floor. I was getting tired of carrying her. "Is about as ready for Anbu as she'll ever be. The other is Jirobo, another of the Sound Four."

Tsunade nodded, taking all that in. She snapped her fingers, and an Anbu appeared next to her. "Yes, Hokage-sama?"

"Take the girl down to T&I. Have Ibiki learn all he can from her, then dump her in a maximum-security cell. Then station a pair of Anbu to keep an eye on a prisoner in the hospital, by name of Jirobo, until he is fit for interrogation. That is all, move." The Anbu nodded, vanished, reappeared next to the girl, picking her up, and vanished again. Huh.

Then she readdressed us, namely Shikamaru. "Excellant work, Shikamaru. I expect a full and detailed report tomorrow morning, but for now, take the day off."

He nodded, "Thank you, Hokage-sama." Then turned and left, leaving Naruto and I there.

She addressed me, firstly. "It's good to have you back, Sasuke."

I bowed, replying, "It's good to be back, Tsunade. I'm guessing you want to hear how they captured me in the first place?"

Of course, she nodded. "Yes. It's disturbing to know that they got their hands on you, seeing as even Kakashi has reported that you're stronger than most Chuunin he's met."

"Well, Kabuto sent a shadow clone along with them, and he caught me by surprise, sticking my neck with a tranquilizer before I had a chance to react. After that, the four of them overwhelmed me by biding their time, avoiding lethal strikes and turning the battle into one of attrition. They were simply wearing me down and waiting for the drug to slow me to a point where I could no longer keep up and outpace them. Had it been Kabuto on his own, victory would've been simple, even with the tranquilizer. I suppose I share my sensei's weakness; lack of stomache for extended combat at full output."

Tsunade interlaced her fingers, leaning her elbows on the desk, looking thoughtful...

"A rather well-thought-out strategy..."

"Aye, but fragile. Had there been fewer opponents, or if the tranq hadn't worked, or if I'd gotten reinforcements, it would've been for naught. Hm... I suppose I'll have to work on building up an immunity to tranquilizers and muscle relaxers now..." I frowned, kinda annoyed by that... Anko had already suggested I start working on building up an immunity to poisons, particularly snake poison, so handling my summons wouldn't be as dangerous.

"Yes, that would be useful if someone attempted that tactic again. Do you believe he'll try again?" That was a pointed question, I believe...

"...Possibly... I honestly don't know. He doesn't have another team like that to send out that I'm aware of, and I seriously doubt he would come out himself, not so soon. The Sound Five were his personal guards, and now they're all killed or captured. He's lost a significant percentage of his forces, and he knows it. Four of the five created the barrier that encased him and the third during the Chuunin exams, and the fifth was dying of an illness... He wouldn't live for more than another month, regardless, but he threw his life away trying to drag me to Orochimaru."

"For what purpose does he want you, anyway? The sharingan, obviously, but what besides that?" I smirked, chuckling darkly to myself.

"...My body."

Her jaw dropped, and I could hear Naruto's doing the same.

"**WHAT?!**" They both shouted, nearly deafening me.

"Oy, oy... Yeah, I know, even the guys want me... Heheh, kidding, but the reason he wants me, specifically, is because he has found a bastardized method of immortality." Tsunade blinked, staring at me in shock.

"...Continue."

"He has found a method for transfering his soul and mind into another body, extending his own life at the cost of theirs. He wants me for my sharingan, since he seeks to learn all jutsu that exist. Yeah, I know, really wierd goal. Anyway. Having my body, he would further that goal by an amazing degree, since he could transplant my eyes from body to body for decades after needing to switch. Of course, he can still die, since if you kill him he won't regenerate. However... A piece of his own corrupt soul exists in every single curse seal that he has placed on every individual. He'll never truly be dead until every seal has been extinguished, and himself, destroyed."

Tsunade's eye were wide, and Naruto exclaimed, "What the hell is he?! Some kind of monster?!"

"Hmph. An abomination, more like... But he bleeds the same as any other, you just need to find the rest of him to do so. Extracting the piece of him from a curse seal is difficult, and the seal dissipates upon the hosts' death, anyway. He WILL die eventually, it's just a matter of time and effort."

Tsunade sighed, looking far older than when we'd walked in. "That's... Well, looks like I have an excuse to start drinking early..." She reached into her desk, pulling out a thing of sake and a tumbler.

As she poured herself a double, she placed two more glasses, motioning us over. "Join me, in celebration of your return." ...Her glare told us what would happen if we said no.

So, we went over, got ourselves each some sake strong enough to burn our nosehair, and toasted. "To the Leaf, to Sasuke's return, and to the pure evil genius of my bastard teammate." We raised our glasses, as I pondered the most offensive thing I could think of, and said,

"And to currupting minors with copious amounts of sex, violence and alchohol. Sieg heil!"

"Seig Heil!" They both repeated, chuckling at my earlier statement, and we all downed our respective drinks.

"Seig heil... What language is that?" Tsunade asked, looking curious as she poured herself another glass.

I started chuckling again. "German. And ah, heheheh, you don't want to know what it signifies, but a direct translation is 'hail victory.' Heheheheh, seems fitting for the coming months."

"Heheh, I hear that. To victory." Naruto said, taking a refill.

"To prosperity." I said, doing the same.

"To copious amounts of violence and alchohol!" Tsunade cheered, raising her own glass.

Naruto and I grinned, thinking of the last bit. "And sex!" We shouted, all downing our drinks, just before the Hokage clocked us both over the head.

Heheheh, good times...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Just so my audience knows, the seig heil joke was meant to be ironic, offensive, and funny. In nazi Germany, there were laws again jewish people from drinking, having sex, or retaliating when assaulted by a non-jewish german. **_

_**By the way, the whole thing was meant to be offensive. If you are offended by it, good. I accomplished my goal, and you should be offended. Nazis were pricks. Seriously, I met a few. I'm white, yet they spat on me like I was holding a Star of David. **_

_**...Probably because I was. Long story, don't ask. It was infuriating then, since I couldn't beat up a pair of seventy-somthing-year-olds, but now it's kinda funny, since I pissed in their coffee. Anyway, aside from bashing the third reich, so concludes another chapter of What If. The time skip is coming up soon, so don't worry. Soon enough, our darling cast will be fifteen- and sixteen-year-olds, and I can finally write a sex scene with a clean conscience.**_

_**...Though it's still immoral. But I don't give a fuck, so fuck you, fuck you, and most of all...**_

_**FUCK. YOU.**_

_**That is all. Come back later.**_

_**...If you dare. Mwahahahahahahahahahahaaa!**_


	40. Chapter 40 END of The Golden Age

**Naruto; What If**

**Fifth Arc; Golden Age**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 40 - The End...? I Think Not.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

The day after I got back, early morning... Anko was lying on top of me, once more staring at me with that faraway look in her eyes.

"...Something on your mind, Anko?"

"No... Just thinking, is all." I raised an eyebrow.

"What about?"

"Nothing of importance... I'd love to stay in bed all day, but Ibiki wants me to help him with something today. I'll see you tonight, love." She leaned up, our lips meeting again before she got up, swaying over and gathering up her clothes before hijacking my shower.

Ah, well... So much for my hopes of another round this morning. Hmm... She seemed distracted... Strange. Ah, well... Wonder what Ibiki wants her for, anyway?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Anko walked through the Anbu headquarters, ignoring the slight shiver she remembered from when she'd gotten thrown in here. It definately wasn't a place one wanted to be.

As she walked the halls, she entered her boss' office, finding the big man already holding out a cup of coffee. He knew her well.

"Thanks. So, who is it we've got waiting on us this morning?"

As always, the head of T&I's expression was unreadable... "One of the Sound Four, who infiltrated our village the day before last."

Anko blinked. "...Are you serious?"

"Always. We have another of the four, though he is currently in the ICU under guard. For now, Tayuya is in your tender care. Learn all you can, but ensure she survives, preferably with enough left for us to piece her back together."

...

Anko's expression was somewhere between elation, and pure unadulterated malice. "Ibiki... Did I ever mention that you're the best boss I've ever had?"

"Oh... There were a few indications..." One of his rare smiles took hold, and he chuckled darkly as his subordinate skipped off in the direction of the redhead's cell.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Tayuya was sitting in a cell, in a very uncomfortable metal folding chair. She was sur ethey used them for that exact purpose; to make the detainee uncomfortable. She was currently wearing nothing but a prison smock, which was worse than a hospital gown, and the restraints.

Not only did they suppress her chakra and prevent her from molding any... It also drained off her chakra, bit by bit. It was truly a prison warden's best friend. As she sighed, idly wondering what she could do to escape, the door opened...

In walked a woman wearing a trench coat, miniskirt, and a gaudy fishnet bodyquit. She sure liked to show off, that's for sure... However...

There was something about her expression that set Tayuya's nerves on edge... As though she were here to have fun...

...Seeing as she was probably here to torture her until she broke or the interrogator got off, that was likely.

"Hello, Tayuya. My name is Anko, and I'm going to be your interrogator today." What was she... Why was this bitch so friggin' _happy?! _

Anko leaned forward, a malicious grin that was too wide, too kind, and far too sincere to be real forced her eyes shut. Something was seriously wrong... Tayuya's instincts were screaming at her to run the hell away. "...And I'm also Sasuke's girlfriend."

Oh, _SHIT._ Thaaaat's not good.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Two months later...**

In those two months, we went on several missions, including one to help a prick swordsman and an oblivious prince. Fairly annoying, but it was work... I'd tell you all about it, but I don't feel like it. Bite me. Anyway...

Today...

It's the evening of October tenth, and there's a great celebration in the village. Most everyone seems happy, rejoicing the defeat of the Kyuubi.

All, except one lone boy wearing orange... Who was currently sitting atop the Hokage monument, sighing.

And yet... There were two others who were dissatisfied, who were currently looking up the the sad boy, feeling down themselves for him.

But what could we do...

I smirked, turning and making a beeline for Hinata, who was also looking up towards Naruto.

"Hinata." She turned, glancing at me.

"Yes, Sasuke?" She was wearing a kimono, with her hair up... She was beautiful in the lantern light.

"Why don't you go and cheer Naruto up. Then drag him back to his apartment in... I dunno, forty-five minutes to an hour. Just give me some time to prepare." She blinked.

"What do you mean... Prepare?" I grinned, and said simply,

"To prepare his own celebration." She caught on, and smiled warmly.

"Ah, yes. Thank you. I'll do what I can." Then she turned, going off on her own... Hmm.

Now... I need to find some people...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

First off... I ran into Sakura and Kakashi, one sitting around somewhat sad. I think it was because she didn't have a date. "Sakura!" She looked up, blinking.

"Hm? Sasuke?"

"Yes, yes, head to Naruto's apartment, we're gonna surprise him." She blinked again.

"...Surprise him?"

"Yeah. It's his birthday and everony celebrating, but not for him, y'know? Besides, a lot of the villagers give him shit if he comes down around 'em, so why not give him a party of his own?"

She blinked again, and smiled. "Yeah. I'll get right over there."

"Thanks. Drag any of the other Genin you find along the way, will you?" She nodded, taking off.

the next I found was, Kakashi. He was, ah... Well, in a bar, he and Tsume drinking and alternatively flirting. Eugh.

"Kakashi-sensei!" He turned, staring blankly. Tsume idly listened in.

"Sasuke. What is it?" I think he was slightly miffed...

"Head over to Naruto's apartment in a few minutes, will you? You do remember what today is, right?" He blinked, thinking for a second...

"...Right. Yeah, give me a few minutes..."

I quirked an eyebrow. "Very well, but be there or I'll find you."

He waved off my threats, turning back to his drink.

...Huh. I get the feeling he's been to the monument already...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After that, I hunted down the most recent Ino-Shika-Cho, who were on their own hanging around at one of the game booths. "Oy, oy!"

Two of the three turned, except Ino, who was busy playing one of the games. "I don't suppose you three would be willing to oblige me a favor?"

"...Depends. What is it?" Shikamaru replied, head tilted.

"It's Naruto's birhtday, and he's stuck on his own. Would you guys mind dropping by his apartment in a few minutes?"

Ino turned from the game, looking surprised/shocked/heartwarmed. "Oh, Sasuke! You're going out of your way for him? Of course we'll come!"

...Note how SHE made that decision. Choji just kinda chuckled and went along, whereas Shika rolled his eyes, sighing. "Yeah... We'll be there." I nodded, offering my thanks and taking off. Now, only ten more...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I found Neji and Tenten together, sitting in the park, looking like the awkward couple. Ugh, great. Gotta interrupt their romance.

Just as they were closing in for that first kiss...

"OY!"

They both jumped, shooting two feet away from one another. Heheheheheh, hilarious.

"Neji, Tenten, would you two mind doing me a huuuge favor?"

Of course, they both glared at me. "...What do you want?" Neji had come to show a grudging respect to the Uchiha, seeing as he had showed him how his teammate felt.

Although Tenten was still looking halfway homicidal. "I need you two to show up at Naruto's apartment in a few minutes. You've still got time to makeout before and after, but please be there, for Naruto's sake. I'll get out of your hair for now. And thanks!"

...I took off before Tenten could throw the sharp and pointy objects in her hand.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Nnnnnext up! Kiba was hanging out with his sister, Hana, but convincing him to go along was easy enough. From there, I hunted down Shino and dragged him away from the girl who'd been flirting with him.

...I think he appreciated it, oddly enough. Heheh.

After that...

Moving to the Hokage Tower, I found Tsunade in her office, drinking sake with Jiraiya joining her. Great, a horny old couple that argues as if they were married.

"Hentai-sennin! Tsunade!" Both turned, surprised.

"Sasuke?"

"Yes, yes, no time. Could you both head to Naruto's apartment in a few minutes? It's his birthday."

Of course... Both blinked in surprise, but they nodded. That's good, his mother-figure and godfather would be there.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I ran over to Ichiraku's, which was surprisingly empty... Wow.

"Teuchi, Ayame!" Both appeared just behind the counter, looking the same as ever.

"Ah, hey, Sasuke. What can we getcha'?"

"A favor, if you can. Could you both head over to Naruto's apartment? I figured I'd try to throw ihm a little party for his birthday, since no one really wants him around during these celebrations." Both of them stared, with kind smiles and tears welling up in their eyes.

"Yeah... We'll be there."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Moving back along near the treelines, I saw Rock Lee... Training instead of celebrating. Heh, that's just like him...

"Hey, Lee!"

He stopped, turning. "Hm? Sauske?"

"Yeah. You think you could help me out with something?"

"Sure. what is it?" Always ready to drop whatever he was doing to help a friend... Heh, he's a true good guy to the bone.

"Could you head over to Naruto's in a few minutes? I'm planning a little celebration for his birthday."

Lee beamed. "Of course!"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...I'll skip the monolouge he went off on, shouting the joys of youthful friendship. Heheh, he's a trip, alright.

Anyway. I searched around for awhile until I found Iruka, and dragged him along for the ride, as I went and starting trying to find a store that was open and sold cake...

After that, I headed for home, and walked right into Anko on my way in. "Anko! There you are. I need your help with something..."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Anko, Kin, myself, Iruka, along with Zabuza and Haku, headed over to Naruto's home. It was... Well, in a word, cramped. After shoving our group in, I shouted over the ruckus,

"OY!" All eyes on me...

"I asked you all to come here to surprise Naruto with a celebration for his birthday, since apparently everyone's forgotten that it's today. Now I've got banners here, eight different bloody cakes, and I'll be bringing enough food back on the next trip to feed the Akimichi's for a week. So please sit tight, help stick up the banner, then shut off the lights and keep the noise down. He's not expecting this, so let's make it count."

General consensus of agreement, seeing as I'd halfway guilt-tripped 'em. That and these people cared for the blockhead. Now, time to fetch the birthday boy inquestion...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I headed out, leaving everyone else to set up, and made my way down to the festival.

I formed a dozen shadow clones, all of which set out to gather up food for the party and high-tail it back to the actual event.

While they were doing that...

I hauled ass up to the Hokage monument, climbed up, and was wlaking up when I took notice of the sounds...

"Haah... Huah, ah, yeah... Right there... Yeah, yeah... Ah..."

"Augh... Yeah, huuh, Hinata..."

I blinked.

Great. Ack, I said comfort and delay, not put him down for the count for the rest of the night...

I waited another half-hour... Before they finished up. Again. And I shouted, "Oy, Naruto! Hinata!"

...Even from back here, I heard them both jump, and struggle to throw on their clothes as I started strolling over. Heheh, damn they're fun to mess with.

"Ah, y-yeah Sasuke?"

"Yo, guys. C'mon, I got a surprise for ya. By the way, your fly's down."

...He looked down and jumped, moving to fix that mistake. Heheh, blockhead...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

They trailed behind me, holding hands, as I lead the way back to the party. We walked the whole way, making small talk, ignoring the glares people threw at the blonde. Agh, pricks...

Anyway. We finally walked up the stairs, and I took hold of the doorknob. Then said, loudly, "Well, Naruto, here we are. Home sweet home."

He rolled his eyes, moving right up. "Yeah, yeah. C'mon, what's this surprise you're talking about?"

"Well... It's..."

...I then tossed the door open, joining in as we all shouted in unison,

"**HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NARUTO!**"

Everyone was there... Even Hiruzen and Konohamaru, along with his academy buddies. From the Konoha twelve, Team Guy, Kakashi, Tsunade, Jiraiya and Iruka, to Zabuza and Haku, myself and Anko, and most importantly, Hinata.(Who he juuust finished fucking)

...Dear Kami, the _look _on that dork's face...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Heheheheh, man, he was overjoyed, surprised, shocked, and had tears in his eyes.

"You guys..." He said, looking so happy he was about to cry.

I sidled up to him, tossing an arm around his shoulders. "Hey, hey, don't start the waterworks just yet, buddy. I haven't even told you the real surprise."

"Well, what is it?"

I smiled brightly.

"Hinata's pregnant."

"**WHAT?!**"

That was bloody hilarious. Mostly because Hinata fainted, therefore prolonging the joke past the point of funny, and into the realm of fucking hysterical.

...My arm is still sore form when he slugged me for that.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...This was two weeks before we leared we were to leave with Jiraiya, to go on an extended training expedition, as apprentices of the Toad Sage...

...It was still the best party I've ever been apart of, and the highlight of my time in Konoha, even including my first... Well, second, time with Anko. Heh...

Yeah... It's all downhill from here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**The time skip is coming up!**_

_**...If you dare. Mwahahahahahahahahahahaaa!**_


	41. Chapter 41 Beginning of the Time Skip

**Naruto; What If**

**Sixth Arc; Home Away From Home**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 41 - The Trip

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**[Cue music; When the Music Stops, by Eminem, The Eminem Show]**

Today's the day.

Today, we leave.

Today, ends our childhood, and begins our adult lives...

Today, we both leave a pair of lonely souls...

Ah, what a melodramatic pain in my ass.

**[...And the music stops]**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I still didn't feel ready... I spent the entire week packing and preparing, rounding up gear, weapons, clothes, armor, equipment...

Hell, I practically packed up everything but the kitchen sink. Then I sealed most all of it up in a few scrolls, dropping 'em in my bag. I was on my way out the door, when I saw Anko... Sitting at the table, still looking depressed, even after I fucked her halfway into a coma just this morning. Damnit, my dick is still raw... Plus I'm late.

"Hey, love." I went over to her, putting an arm around her shoulder.

"Mm?"

I reached into my pocket, retrieving my goodbye gift for her...

"Here. I know you're sad that I'll be gone for so long, but I hope this'll keep you happy in the meantime." I held out a scroll, one that looked the same as any other.

She blinked, taking and staring at it. She knew that I had a habit of sealing things, so she knew it wasn't reading material.

"Okay... What is it?"

I smiled. "Oh, just a few hundred pieces of me to keep you busy."

She bllinked. '_Pieces of...? Oh. OH._'

...I swear the look on her face as she glomped me was worth the exhaustion from making so many clones this past week... Geeze, learning a few medical jutsu from Tsunade wasn't as tiring as making that many clones in three days. But, heh, hot damn if I don't always have a plan.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I said goodbye to Kin, who was now going through a program to work as a shinobi for Konoha, so she'd have a little something for herself to do, and since she'd spent time training with me, she'll probably do pretty well.

Well... I left, heading out of my home for the last time this year...

Making my way to the main gate, I ran into Naruto along the way.

"Oy, blondie. Hinata take to your gift?"

He nodded, this really cheesey, lovey-dovey half-asleep grin on his face. "Yeeeaaah..."

Oh. He was still on Cloud 9. "I take it she reciprocated in an appropriate manner, then."

"Uh-huh..."

"...Right... Just to make this scene perfect... Wanna grab some Ichiraku's before we head out?"

He nodded, and off we went...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Along the way, we ran into just about everyone...

Zabuza and Haku, nodding and wishing us well. Or, well, Haku did, and Zabuza just grunted something. I dunno, since I don't speak muffle.

Neji and Tenten, along with Lee and Guy,(Or Gai) said their thanks, telling us that we were the epitome of youth.

...Okay... Creepy, but thanks.

After that, team Asuma was right around the corner, where I got glomped by Ino. "I'm gonna miss you, Sasuke-kun!"

...Right...

"Heheh, we'll be back before you know it."

On our way, Choji handes us each a small satchel, saying it was a gift from him and the Akimichi's... Hm. I'll find out what it is later on.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Team 8 was at Ichiraku's when we got there, I suppose for breakfast. Kiba thanked me for my saving him way back when, and even moreso for the bonus sent to all members involved.(I reached into the Uchiha fortune, retrieving fifty grand for each of them. Wasn't all that much, considering what I had in total)

"Teuchi, your going-away special, please! As many as you can make in ten minutes!"

...I didn't even get to finish, when he had the bowls in front of us. Holy crap, he's good.

After eating and saying another round of goodbyes, we left. Oddly enough, this time Kurenai was looking at Naruto in something of a... Motherly way, if it could be described as such.

...Is she pregnant already?

Heheh, but Naruto and Hinata embraced, making even Shino clear his throat and adjust his sunglasses when they started making out.

...For a solid seven minutes. Then once again, Kurenai sighed, and gave the blonde a halfhearted glare.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We were once again walking to the gates, drawing stares and rude gestures.(Aimed at Naruto, not me. Still pissed me off) We heard people cheering, some booing, others wishing us well, and some just offering kind looks.

Man... It was wierd. But hey... We were the two most well-known Genin, as the last Uchiha, and the Demon brat, the two that no one messed with. Well...

We finally arrived at the gate, and found Jiraiya, Tsunade, Hiruzen, Iruka, Kakashi, Anko, and Sakura waiting for us.

"Hey, you two!" Sakura called, looking both happy and sad at the same time... Only a tsundere could pull that look off.

Naruto and I looked at each other. "Well?"

"Well."

"Let's go."

"Yeah..."

And we kept on, stopping just outside the gate as our closest friends and confidants said their goodbyes... And in the distance, we saw Hinata running over, waving with tears in her eyes, a sorrowful smile on her face.

And as the two of us waved back, turning, and walking off into the horizon, heading into the sunrise...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...That was six months ago... Now, Naruto, Jiraiya, and myself are traveling the great nations, learning from the great sage. Or great pervert, as we called him.

But I will say this...

He was the strongest of the Sannin, bar none. Every day, we sparred with him and he _whipped our ASSES._

Effortlessly, and damn... I mean he really did whip our asses, Naruto had a bruise the shape of a foot on his ass for three days. But if nothing else, we learned even better how to fight a sword-wielding opponent unarmed, since he was able to teach us how to do so, and we saw the way he did.

Naruto started learning the taijutsu of the Toads, whereas I worked on perfecting my own, since my style revolved around my sword and weapon skills. Although... Now Naruto and I worked with no less than ten shadow clones whenever we trained, and DAMN. We were getting stronger by leaps and bounds, both of us quickly approaching the point where we had to consciencely conceal our chakra signature.

Within that first half-year, I was already stronger than Kakashi, and Naruto could easily give him a lot of trouble. More often than not, Naruto and I spent our days training with our clones in taijutsu, to perfect our respective styles.

Other than taijutsu, I lent Naruto a set of weights, and now we both were working with that restriction, getting stronger and stronger.

Another focus, was working on our kenjutsu, since Naruto wasn't quite at my level and I needed to get better regardless. After that, we spent more time working on ninjutsu.

However, Jiraiya finally taught us something useful. Bunshin Daibakuha, exploding shadow clones, are an exceptionally lethal trick for attacking an enemy without risking oneself.

Heh, the old sage told us to be careful with 'em, since we can be injured by our own clones, and because we have be very watchful of our surroundings when using them, since an enemy strike will detonate them.

Again, it was dangerous, but useful. Human projectile, anyone?

Heheh.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Looking back now, as I sit here drinking, I idly wonder how I could be so naive, back then... More and more, I find myself wondering...

Would I have been better off... If I hadn't gone on that trip?

Would I be suffering like this if I just... Stayed home?

The answer... I don't know. It hurts... So much inside...

Looking towards the sake in my hand, I threw the tumbler away, downing more of the liquid fire. Though it burns going down... It numbs the pain.

Yeah...

That day, I made the greatest mistake of my life.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Here it is, the end of Part 1...**_

_**...Wait. The team that attacked Naruto and co at the start of the second exam were Rain, not Rock?**_

_**Shiiiiiit... That's what I get for not paying attettion, damnit.**_


	42. Chapter 42 Tiiiime Skiiiiiip!

**Naruto; What If**

**Sixth Arc; Home Away From Home**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 42 - Our Adventure

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**[Cue music; Angel of Darkness, by Alex C with Yasmin K]**

"Rrraaaggghh!"

Blades connected, up, over, below, left, right, center...

Too fast for human eyes to follow... Again and again our steel collided, the fight lit only by the sparks... Not even the moon was shining this night, and the stars have all gone into hiding.

With eyes shining, blades flying, grins matching, our thrill and elation only bridled by the simple fact that neither of us could win... Forever deadlocked in an even draw, graze for cut, block for parry, grapple for riposte...

We kept going, past the point of pain, past the point of exhaustion, past the point where our bodies refused to budge...

And yet we fought on, and didn't stop until we both collapsed, the entire area littered with fallen trees, minced grass, sharps of steel, and earth muddy with blood...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...That scene took place a little after the first year into our training, where we were both trying to see who was the better swordsman, using a pair of beat-up greatswords. If nothing else, we learned firsthand that neither of us would accept anything less than victory.

...And that whatever setting our fight took place in got completely demolished by the time we were done with it. You'd think fighting through the trees would be difficult, no?

WRONG. In the first six months, Naruto and I mastered our chakra-cycling techniques, and pushed our physical abilities to their utmost limit. We didn't have to fight around the trees; we cut right through them, knocking them into our opponent, using the enviornment as our weapon.

Our masochistic training methods aside, we had a lotta fun during our travels. Naruto even got me pretty good during a sparring session...

He managed to get behind me, while a shadow clone had my arms in a hold for a mere second, and he hit me with the Thousand Years of Death. Kakashi's super-gay ass-poke.

Except this time... It was fueled by the strength of a hundred men. I went FLYING, a good fifty, sixty feet.

...Motherfucker. I couldn't shit for _two days._ Two days! Gah, the bloody git.

But I got 'im back, though, but good. Heheheheheh.

Since we spend so much time camping out, we'd wind up having to bathe in rivers, creeks, or lakes. Well, Naruto went off to do just that, and I figured it was a good a time as any to enact my plan...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_Flashback no jutsu!_

"Brrr! Man, that's cold..." Naruto muttered, as he dipped a toe in the water, tossing aside his pants. He sighed, figuring he might as well get it over with, when,

"Naruto-kun!" He spun, hearing...

"H-hinata-chan!" He blinked, staring at his lover... How was she.. Why was she...

He didn't get the chance to ask, before she ran over and glomped him in a hug.

"I missed you so much, Naruto-kun!"

"Ah, yeah, same here. But what're you doing here?" He tried his best to ignore the feeling of her breasts pressing against his chest...

"My team had a mission that brought us to the town a few miles west of here. The local tavern-keeper mentioned that he had one of the Sannin and two Leaf ninjas come into his shop recently... So after our job was done, I snuck off to find you."

"But won't Kurenai be worried? And what about your team?" Naruto frowned, concern overriding his common sense.

She giggled. "I'm fairly sure Kurenai-sensei knows where I am... And I know that Shino does. Ah, were you about to bathe, Naruto-kun?"

He blinked, rubbing the back of his head. The last time he'd been together with Hinata was in the shower before they left his apartment...

"Ah, yeah..."

"Well, I'll wash your back for you. Then we'll, teehee, start on _other_ things..."

...Naruto turned to jump in that water so fast his head swam, but just as he turned his back, his lovely Hinata embraced him from behind...

"And Naruto-kun..." Suddenly... His lover's voice changed...

"...Payback's a _BITCH._" ...Into that of his friend, brother and rival, Sasuke And he was _behind_ him.

Naruto had time for one coherent thought, before the worst pain you could ever imagine struck his behind. '_Son of a bi- IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTCCHHH!_'

"**KAN-CHOOOOOOOOOOO!**" He heard Sasuke shout, just before he thrusted the first two fingers of each hand up the blonde's posterior, sending the boy flying as Sasuke laughed maniacally, and disappeared in a poof of smoke.

...Fucking shadow clone.

_End flashback_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...Naruto and I then agreed to never, ever, under any circumstances, attempt to kancho one another again. EVER.

Becasuse I am a devious motherfucker, and he is one of the greatest pranksters of Konoha. We should be working together, to prank our beloved pervert teacher... Especially since he seems to delight in our pain during our sparring sessions with the old bastard.

Nothing serious, just little things...

Like shaving his eyebrows.

...One at a time. Then when they grew back, Naruto tried something stupid, but clever...

He yelled, "Hey, watch this!"

Got up, turned, dropped his pants, and farted on the campfire.

...Sending a MASSIVE blaze in Jiraiya's direction, which he very nearly avoided. ...Though he was still singed, and smelling kinda funny. Heheheheheheheh.

This sort of humor occurred more often than you'd think, since it was three guys. We couldn't exactly gossip about sex, y'know?

...Not that we didn't, but those talks were more along the lines of whose girlfriend was freakier in bed, of whic I won, of course.

Jiraiya openly admitted defeat there, since he's heard from some of Anko's other... Consorts, is the terms I'll use. People I'd rather not know, to avoid the temptaion of violence, in case anyone wants to make any snide comments. Kakashi is the exception that proves the rule, but that's because he knows better than to fuck with me.

I AM a devious motherfucker, after all.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

On of the stranger occurences of our training, was when Naruto and I was struck with fits of overwhelming exhaustion and contentedness, feeling like we'd blown a half-dozen loads...

Which we had, in a sense... Shadow clones, after all. Naruto got that usually once a week, at least, sometimes a few more times than that. Me?

Fuck. It was three times a week usually... And always at the most odd of hours, during the middle of the day, early morning, late afternoon... Eesh, whenever she has a free hour or two. Though the experiences were very nice... Refreshing.

But Jiraiya noticed, of course. Y'know, you can only stop in the middle of training and collapse to the ground panting with this dumb, contented, sleepy smile and a boner once or twice before the sage figures out something's up.

Of course, he was amazed at our ingenuity in coming up with such a plan,(It was mine. I let Naruto in on it 'cuz... Well, just because) and then walked off, giggling to himself.

...I swear, if I find myself as a character in one of his books, Imma beat some common friggin' sense into him...

However...

It wasn't all good. After the first six months, the frequency that Anko was using those shadow clones increased. And by that, I mean doubled.

Six times a week? For over a hundred weeks? Yeah, I didn't seal away THAT many clones for her... Shit, it was damned bad that I was getting knocked on my ass more often than necessary that started to annoy me, but what makes matters worse, I was starting to wonder what had gotten into Anko... She had to have known that she'd use up all those clones well before I got back at that rate.

Nympho or not, something was off about that...

But at the time, I didn't notice... Which was a mistake on my part. If I had... Maybe things would've turned out differently.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After another exhausting day, I was sitting in our hotel room, writing another letter to Anko; telling her more of what we've done, how our training was, and things the clone might not've gotten time to tell her. Not to mention, it let her know that I cared...

Besides... It was also because I had something to deliver to her this time. Heheh, I'm the best boyfriend around...

A SECOND scroll filled with clones... Even more than last time. After I finished my letter, tossing aside the crumpled ones I'd screwed up on, I flicked through handseals and summoned one of Anko's personal summons, one that I've grown familiar with.

"Hey, Kurochi. Can I pester you to deliver another letter to Anko?"

"Of courssse, Ssssasuke-ssssan, anytime." Kurochi was the snake that Anko called on for various poisoning purposes... Including that, ahem, aphrodisiac.

"Thanks. Ah, but this time... Would you mind sending this along, too?" I placed the letter and scroll before the mid-sized snake, who gave the two objects a cursory inspection, before wrapping herself around them, and taking the envelope in her mouth.

"It isss no trouble at all, Ssssasuke-sssan. It makessss me happy to ssssee you caring for Anko-hime sssso much. I'll passss thessse along, then. Good fortune to you, Sssssasuke-ssssan." *Poof!*

...And away she went. She was one of the nicer summons I'd met, Sarandi aside. Heh, just don't get her angry... Kurochi takes entire _chapters_ from Anko's book on pranks and revenge. It's no wonder those two get along so well...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...It has been nearly two years since we last saw Konoha. Our training was roughly complete, with only polishing up the edges needing to be done. Naruto and I both would wear out the old pervert when we sparred now, and overall, we were both damned-close to being Jounin-level in skill and prowess, but Kage-level in combat effectiveness.

We traveled to all of the four other great nations, including the shinobi villages, all except Amegakure... The base of Akatsuki, since they were after Naruto, and Jiraiya didn't want to give away our intentions by spying there with the person they were after.

Otogakure was also exempt, since we'd collectively turn the place into a slaughterhouse.

Anyway.

First, was Kumogakure, the village hidden in the Clouds. While we were there, we met the Raikage...

A GIANT of a man, big, burly, black, and looking like your stereotypical bodybuilder. Except... He was very dexterous, and able to walk completely silently. And he radiated power... He was not someone you want to mess with.

However... While Jiraiya was off womanising, Naruto and I pestered the Raikage into helping with our training.

Heheh, it was kinda fun, now that I think back...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_Flashback no jutsu!_

Naruto and I stood in the lobby of the Raikage's main building, sighing as we watched Jiraiya run off, chasing after a large-breasted blonde woman...

"Man... Sometimes I wonder if he ever gets laid..."

"Got that right... He's like an academy-student with a boner."

We both nodded, agreeing completely.

"So... Whatcha wanna do? I figure the old perv will be following around that broad for at least an hour..."

Naruto shrugged. "Dunno. Train?"

"Hmm... Actually... I have an idea. Think we can convince the Raikage to skip out on paperwork and help us train?" I grinned, which made Naruto blink and stare at me.

"Uhh... You're kidding, right? Right?"

"No~ooope. The Kage's brother is a jinchuuriki, too, so we might learn something from him, at least." Naruto's ears perked right up.

"The Raikage's brother? ...Yeah, I think it might be worth a try."

So, we ascended the nearby stairs, tryign to look nonchalant as some of the Kumo-nins we passed gave us strange looks. Not that any of them harassed us, at least.

Anyway, after a bit of searching, and asking, we found the Raikage's office.

I knocked on the large double-doors, waiting a few moments...

"_Enter!_" Came from within, and we did just so...

Hm. The Raikage's office was a lot like our Hokage's, with his desk sitting next to a window overlooking the village... Heh, guess he likes to look after them.

"Hn? Who are you two?" Man... The manga didn't do this guy justice. The Raikage is freakin' huuuuuge! He looked like a professional wrestler. He was currently sitting at his desk, several stacks of paper before him.

"Sasuke Uchiha and Naruto Uzumaki, students of the Sannin Jiraiya, here visiting your village on our training expedition." I proferred, smiling all the while.

He grunted, looking back to his paperwork. "Hn. The guards mentioned having a famous ninja visiting recently. Well, what is it you want? Be quick, I haven't time to entertain guests."

Naruto and I shared a look.

"Er, actually, we came by to pester you to help in our training."

...The big man slowly looked up at as, a scowl firmly set in his features. "I have a village to run, and a mountain of work to get done today. Does it look like I have much free time, to you? And why aren't you learning from your sensei?"

I simply kept on smiling. "Well, that's one of the other reasons we came to you. You see, good old Jiraiya is a hopeless pervert and a romantic. He is currently off chasing after one of your kunoichi with a pad and pen, hoping to get in her pants or peep on her naked. While he is a magnificent writer and shinobi, Jiraiya is a grade-A lecher. I figured we's have a better chance striking a bargain with you, Raikage-sama."

He was quiet for a moment... "...And just what the hell could you offer to pursuade me to not finish filing the entire budget for the next decade?"

"Well, because if you helped us, we could teach you a method for finishing paperwork in less than a quarter of the time you currently spend on it." I quite suddenly had his full attention...

He didn't miss a beat. "Just what kind of training are we talking about, and what technique is it?" His scowl returned.

"Ah-ah, I don't take schmuck-bait. You help us, then we help you, since that way I know we won't get jipped."

"...Leaving me with no garuntee you won't skip town the moment you've learned whatever it is you're after."

"Exactly. But hey, the trick we have to share is remarkably simple. Hell, this blockhead," I ruffled Naruto's hair, much to his chagrin. He was still an inch shorter than me. "Learned it before he even graduated from the academy, in a single night. I was able to copy it from him with my sharingan in mere moments."

"...A technique mere children can master? Very well. I'll aid in your training, IF your trick works." Yessah! Aim high, hit low. Still a hit.

"Very well, Raikage-sama. Naruto?" Naruto sighed, rolling his eyes. He knew what I was getting at, and he summoned a shadow clone.

I leaned over, whispering_, "Oy, Anko's been helping Hinata out with both of their... Urges, while we've been gone."_

before leaning back, smirking, and clobbering the clone over the head. *Poof!*

"...Have they really?" Naruto asked, blushing brightly.

I smiled. "Yep. She also wanted me to tell you that we're borrowing Hinata for a day or two when we get back home."

"Wait, W-WHAT?!"

...And I started chuckling, as Naruto proceded to slug me in the shoulder, grumbling.

As I readdressed the Raikage, "Do yuo understand the point of that?"

"...That you two are more suited for stand-up comedy than shinobi work."

"Hey, we are. It makes for some great karoake nights, lemme tell ya." Naruto interjected, back to his bright and cheery self. Uh-oh... He's planning something...

"...Anyway, before we get too far off-track, the purpose is this; shadow clones learn things. And when they disperse, whatever knowledge they gain, returns to the summoner. Ie, you can summon a half-dozen clones to have seven people working simultaneously, cutting down the workload immensely. After that, you'll know everything they did when you dispell them."

A blinked, before slapping his forehead. "Why didn't I think of that?!"

Naruto and I shared a look. "Y'know... Two Hokages said the same thing when we told 'em. Starting to think the older generations are losing sight of why the young surpass the old; creativity, and the ability to grow."

"Hmph. Well, a deal's a deal." The Raikage stood, summoning about a dozen shadow clones. Said clones started in on paperwork, whereas the Raikage himself agreed to help in our training.

_End Flashback._

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

That's how I learned mastery of my lightning element and one of my other aces... Which I'll save for later on. Anyway, while we were training, Killer B found us training with A, and decided to help a fellow jinchuuriki.(I wasn't sure how he knew... I guess the 8-Tails told him)

Naruto learned some wicked kenjutsu tricks, which I took up as well, along with how to better control the Kyuubi's chakra. Through that, Naruto became a far, far more dangerous opponent... Even for me. But the thing that made him deadly... Was when B taught him how to consciencely enter his mindscape, and interact with the 9-Tails.

Knowing that blonde blockhead... He'd become friends with that monster, and they'd work together. Such a thought...

...Is a little scary, even to me.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We stayed in Kumo for roughly a month, after that... Kiri was a little... Too eventful.

It was in the middle of a brutal civil war when we arrived, though we got to say hi to Mei again, which was interesting. We also got a bit of Bloodmist brandy, as a gift to take back to Tsunade. Heh, she'd be thrilled.

As time went on... I felt the sudden episodes of exhaustion more and more frequently, and the waves of experiences were a little... Strange. Anko was becoming more ferocious in her endeavors, wild, even. Multiple times in a day were becoming more frequent... It was... Disturbing. This coming from the guy sleeping with her, who went in with the knowledge that she was a nymphomaniac, by the way. I was truly starting to think something was wrong by now... But I foolishly pushed the thought away, thinking she would've been smart enough to voice whatever concerns she had to the clones, if she had any.

...I was hopelessly naive.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Less than three days in Kiri, and we were on the move again. We spent another two months camping out and traveling, before coming to visit in Iwa for some time. There, Naruto and I both learned Earth-style techniques, and got to run through some of the death-courses of Iwa.

Hell, we even got to see some interesting people...

We met the Tsuchikage, a crabby old man with some spring in his step. He was mighty funny when Naruto and I made the comparison of the old guy's height to the Third Hokage's. I also learned a few things on the sly...

Like how Iwagakure was over the last Shinobi World War. As in, they were no longer out for Minato's blood. Agh, bloody worthless...

...And the old guy was completely baffled by my sudden change of mood from cheery and happy-go-lucky to furious and more than a little pissed off. Naruto was also deeply angered, but he did a better job of hiding it. He managed to play it off as us being friends of the son of Minato, who was mistreated by the village, when it could've been entirely avoided.

I wasn't entirely sure... But I think the Tsuchikage took a mighty closer look at Naruto right about then... That, or I was just being paranoid. Eh, either way.

After that, we met the Tsuchikage's son and grandaughter, Kitsuchi and Kurotsuchi. I tell you what... Kurotsuchi was pretty cute, in a tomboyish kinda way. Being around her really reminded me of Anko, for some reason... She took to Naru and I real quick, showing us around the village and helping out with our training.

...Though she was quickly annoyed when she realised we were both well and above her level of ability. I think she was shocked to see a pair of kids younger than her(Only by a year or two) that were on-par with Jounin, in terms of combat ability. Heh, but she swore she would surpass us within the next year.

Very cute, she was.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After that... We spent even more time abroad, visiting the hidden Grass and the land of Tea, along with the Rice Patty country. Once we'd been just about everywhere you could think of, nearly two years had passed. Then we went to visit Sunagakure...

There, we found that Gaara had become the Kazekage. I mean, damn, that was fuckin' awesome!

...But Naruto was pissed.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_Flashback no jutsu!_

"Wait... You're Kazekage?! Already?! DAMNIT!"

Gaara blinked, taken aback. "Naruto? I thought you would be pleased at this..."

Naruto looked up at his friend with manly tears in his eyes. "I am, greatly! It's just... Damnit, I was hoping to become Hokage first!"

...I think Gaara caught on to the joke, since he chuckled, his gravelly voice calling, "Well, now you know what to look forward to. The paperwork sucks."

Naruto and I looked at each other again...

"...If you'll spare the time to help us out a bit, we've got a technique that can help you out."

Of course, Gaara blinked owlishly, and nodded his head. "Of course. What did you have in mind?"

Hmm... I see an opportunity for plotting. "Naruto here needs some help perfecting hsi wind element. You know anyone who can help with that?"

The redhead nodded, and snapped his fingers... In an instant, Baki was in the room, bowing. "Yes, Kazekage-sama, what is it?"

"Baki. Would you aid my friend Naruto in his training?"

The Suna Jounin inclined his head, saying, "Of course, Kazekage-sama. Naruto. Follow me, please." And he lead my partner out of the room, and out to one of their training fields, I take it.

...Leaving me to have a nice discussion with Gaara.

"Well, Sasuke? Is there any training you require help with?"

"Not really, but I do need a favor from you. However, firstly... The technique that'll help with the paperwork is the Kage Bunshin; shadow clones. Whatever experiences they gain, returns to you when they are dispelled. Word of warning; whatever chakra you push into the technique, will be evenly divided into however many clones you create. It's a very chakra-intensive technique."

I showed him the handseal, along with the general knowhow of how it's used.

He blinked, again. "...Why did I not think of that..."

"...Because no one does until someone points it out to 'em. Anyway, about that favor..."

_End Flashback_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Our time there was...

Hot. Very, fucking, hot. And dry. Exceptionally dry.

Man, it sucked. But anyway,

...

Oh? The favor? I can't tell you. Not yet. I'll get to it, you just sit your ass right there and shut the hell up. ...Not that you have much choice, being forced to listen to me ramble on.

Heheh, gotta love duct tape. Say, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, "I'm from the government and I'm here to help," While the second most terrifying nine words are, "I'm pregnant, what are WE gonna do about it?"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Here **_


	43. Chapter 43 A Warm Welcome

**Naruto; What If**

**Seventh Arc; Homecoming**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 43 - A Warm Welcome...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Two and a half years have passed since those three left the village...**

"Damn... It's been ages since we've been back here." A young, hooded man states, his cloak concealing most of his body, aside from the hilt of a sword sticking up over his right shoulder.

"Yeah... I can't wait to see how much everything's changed. Think anyone will recognise us?" His companion replies, similarly dressed, although with a massive, bandaged bundle quite visible on his back.

There are three of them, two standing at the gate of Konohagakure, the Village Hidden in the Leaves, while an older man is speaking with one of the gate guards.

"With their short attention span? Heh, the only way they'll recognise you is if you go in shouting 'I am the Kyuubi, hear me roar!' " The more crude of the two joked, quickly followed by fits of chuckling from both parties.

"Heheheh... That'd get a reaction. Hey. Betcha Hina-chan jumps me the moment she sees me."

The crude one looks back at his compatriot. "...I'm not that stupid. Do I look like Tsunade to you? Have I grown tits the size of melons?"

The more cheerful of the pair nudged his friend in the side with an elbow. "Well, you HAVE gotten a bit pudgy..."

"...I have not. You take that back!" His incredulious overreaction eluciates laughter from both his partner, and a chuckle from the white-haired man they'd been travelling with, as he returns from flirting with one of the female guards.

...A rather conspicuous red handprint now graces his cheek, one that wasn't there before he went to speak with said guard. Apparently, that was a rejection.

"Heh, looks like you two gaki's haven't matured one bit in the last two years..."

Both young men stared at their senior companion. "Yeah we have! Now we only make occasional fart jokes, instead of daily ones. Not to mention, neither of us have set you on fire by lighting farts in the last month. That's a major improvement, right there!"

...Oddly enough, the big man was not amused by this. It was only by the skin of his teeth that his eyebrows had grown back at all, after the last time...

"Dear Kami... You two are far, FAR worse than Minato ever was..."

Both of the younger men high-fived, and even under the hoods, you could see they were both grinning from ear-to-ear.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Aaaand so, they entered the village, smiling beneath their hoods as they chattered away. Their older companion trailed along behind them, smiling with fatherly pride.

'_Heh... Those two really have grown, despite their antics... Better to be a child for too long, than an adult too soon._'

"Hey!" Both young men looked in the direction of that shout, where a woman with garish pink hair was running over to them.

"Hm...? Is that... Sakura?" One of them says to his friend, when the other replied,

"Course that's her. You know anyone else with bubblegum-colored hair?"

"Point taken. But... Now she has tits! It's wierd, man!" Both of them chuckled, just as the woman, Sakura, got within earshot.

"Sasuke! Naruto! It is you, isn't it!" She was beaming, seeing her old friends and teammates for the first time in over two years...

"Heh. Yeah... We could never quite pull the wool over your eyes, could we?" The one named Sasuke replies, pulling down his hood...

He has a handsome face, though it was half-covered. He wore a Leaf bandana, with the hitai-ate covering his eyes. He was smirking, a look of confidence in his features that inspired faith in those around him.

His companion, Naruto, also removes his hood; he was blonde, also with a handsome face, but with whisker marks on his cheeks, and a black Leaf headband, with cerulean blue eyes to top it all off. "You always could see right through us, Sakura-chan." He was smiling, a look that fit his cheery, easy-going demeanor. He practically looked like someone you could count on anywhere, anytime.

"Oh, you guys." She gushed, as the team was reunited.

"Sakura!" The three of them turned, looking down the street, where a blonde woman was approaching, seeming to carry herself in a noble manner.

"Tsunade-baachan!" Naruto calls, enthusiastic as ever.

The woman looks slightly annoyed, yet equally endeared by the nickname.

"Hello, Naruto. It's good to see you again, you as well, Sasuke." Both young men inclined their heads, just as a new voice interrupts the reunion.

"Hope I'm not interrupting anything." Above the group, sitting on a nearby rooftop, appears another man; tall, silver-haired, wearing the traditional garb of the Leaf Jounin, with his hitai-ate tilted to cover his left eye. This man was Kakashi Hatake... The Copy Ninja.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto cheers, looking up to his teacher. He seems to vanish...

And reappears next to the Jounin, holding out a book. "I brought this back for you, since you love these pervy books so much."

...What could be described as pure, unadulterated joy shines in his visible eye, as he reverently cracks open the green book.

"Oh, sweet Kami... Icha Icha Tactics... And it's not even out yet! Naruto." He looks his student dead in the eye. "Did I ever tell you that you're my favorite student?"

Quite suddenly...

Sasuke appears on Kakashi's other side, lips formed into a pout. "But... But sensei! You... You promised it would only be the two of us!" He cries out as melodramatically as possible, sounding more and more like a large ham with every word.

...Unexpectedly...

The tall man sidles away from his dark-haired student, seemingly disturbed by such an act. "Oh, uh... I was only joking, Sasuke. Nothing personal at all..."

Now it's time for Sasuke to and act wierded out. "Uh... Kakashi, I was making a joke myself. Look, about two years back, consider yourself forgiven. I'd forgotten about it, tell you the truth... Feh, no matter. C'mon, we just got back! Lighten up a little!" He was grinning again, purposefully ignoring his sensei's standoffish manner.

"Ah, yeah..." Kakashi was still acting strange, all of the others figured... Though Sakura and Tsunade both levelled a glare at the cycloptic Jounin, it went unnoticed by the man's male students.

"Kakashi!" Tsunade announces. "Take your team out for a training exercise... Find out how much stroner they've gotten in these two years."

The man was nodding, looking like he wanted to get as far away from the two females as possible.

However. Both Naruto and Sasuke frowned, hearing this. "Aw, c'mon, Obaachan! Can you give us a few hours to settle in? We've been walking for miles..."

Tsunade quirked an eyebrow. "You can both go and sleep with your respective mates AFTER your evaluation."

Both young men sighed, cockblocked again.

Heheheh... Oh, one of them is going to find out... The true meaning of pain, very shortly.

Mwah... Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaaa!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Switching to Sasuke's point of view...**

Ah, that's much better. Naruto and I followed Kakashi, with Sakura trailing just behind us. Heh, she's probably nearly as strong as Tsunade now... But Naruto and I?

No... Oh, no...

We were on a completely different level.

I'd finally mastered my lightning nature, no longer needing more than a lightning storm to bring the Wrath of Heaven upon my enemies. Hell... I didn't even need a storm... Well. I'll leave that bit of awesome for later.

Anyway, Naruto and I both mastered conscious chakra cycling, bringing our physical abilities to those of a Kage, and chakra levels even beyond that. I specialized in physical combat, using little more than strength, speed and skill to slice'n'dice anything that gets in my way, with a secondary in high-spec lightning-element jutsu. Not to mention my sharingan and plethora of other jutsu, that is.

Naruto on the other hand, was able to utilize wind-element jutsu to a high degree, use Sage Mode, and had access to a virtually limitless source of chakra... Not to mention having increased physical abilities. I'd also taught him myself how to do several of my own jutsu, from fire and earth, to water and ice. I had no talent for wind, but he did... So he learned that and gave me a few tips.

...I still couldn't use wind for jack shit, but still. I had a sword and lightning, s'all I needed. Naruto had started trying to figure out how to incorperate elemental chakra into his rasengan, but he wasn't working as hard on it. He didn't quite need it... We were both Kage-level, or damned near. And still getting stronger.

I had worked on finding more uses for chidori, and came up with a few things of use... Not to mention, we both learned exploding clones, which I used to great effect myself, sometimes. We've both gotten to the point where Jiraiya stopped sparring with us, saying he was too old to be fighting two reincarnations of Minato.

Speaking of which... Early on, the old Sage had agreed to my bargain after all, and taught both Naruto and I the one technique he would've withheld no matter what, had we not guilt-tripped him into it.(Plus I leveraged what I knew about Akatsuki, but that's another story entirely)

Heh... It's funny. We went from getting our asses handed to us by the old perv on a daily basis, to us wearing him out with light sparring. It was truly miraculous... Two years, we spent. Training, day in, day out. Shadow clones every time, learning at a pace that would astound anyone who knew us as Genin.

But, I digress.

We walked along the streets, and my thoughts fell upon our sensei...

Kakashi... Why was he acting so strangely? Hm. Ah, well. He's a wierdo himself, so no surprise he acts wierd.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**[Cue Music; Wisdom Justice and Love, by Linkin Park, A Thousand Suns ]**

We arrived at Training field 3... The place we'd taken our Genin test. The place where Kakashi got kicked in the balls by a pair of children. Twice. Heheheheh.

"Ah... It's been so long since we've been here..."

"Mm... The place where we became ninjas... Say Kakashi, how's your balls?"

His eye twitched, but he ignored my not-so-subtle jibe."Yes... It's all very nostalgic. And just to keep in theme with that..." Kakashi reached into his pouch, pulling out a pair of bells. Heh... Bell test? "The rules are the same as the first time... Except you have until tomorrow morning to retrieve them. Are you ready?"

The three of us smirked, taking our stances. "Team... Plan Tera." I could feel both Naruto and Sakura staring at my back, but it was Kakashi's expression I relished the most.

His eye widened, and he swallowed. He was nervous... But why? This is just a training exercise... Well, whatever. "Whenever you're ready, Kakashi."

He reached up, pulling his headband into place, revealing his sharingan. "I get the feeling I'm going to need this... Alright. STAR-!"

In that instant...

I moved. Surging my chakra, I shunshined, summoning my traditional seven shadow clones, as we all landed around Kakashi, blades just barely touching him, yet ensuring he couldn't move so much as an inch. I was in front, the bells in hand, my sword held behind me, sticking through his legs and up, same way I'd gotten Kankuro all those years ago...

"-T..." He was very carefully observing each and every one of my clones, being careful not to shift his body at all.

"...You're slow, Kakashi. And here I remembered you being one of the best..." As I stood and turned, my clones dispelling, I pulled my hitai-ate up into place, opening my eyes.

"Well, Kakashi? Still interested in that rematch?" I held out the bells for him, as Naruto snickered behind me.

"...Not particularly. But I still have to evaluate Sakura and Naruto."

"Ah, good. I'll sit this one out, then." I turned and walked towards a nearby post, plopping down with my back to it.

Kakashi let out a breath, relieved he was still alive, and that his balls were intact. He reattatched the bells to his belt, and looked over to where Naruto and Sakura were standing.

"Well... Let's get this over with. Start-"

"Geeze, Kakashi-sensei..." Naruto's voice sounded from behind, followed by a jingling sound. "Sasuke wasn't kidding... You really HAVE gotten slow."

Kakashi carefully turned his head, looking to where Naruto had a kunai's blunt edge pressed against the Jounin's cheek, the bells in his other hand. He'd just been looking at the boy, who had vanished the same way Sasuke had... Moving too fast for even his sharingan to accurately follow. He'd even moved too fast for Kakashi to even begin to predict where he would go...

Kakashi made a mental note to himself not to also piss off Naruto, since having both of them angry was a death-sentence...

The Jounin sighed as Naruto returned the bells and walked over to where Sasuke was sitting, both of them looking expectantly to Sakura.

She sighed. "I know I can't get the bells from you alone, Kakashi-sensei."

The man nodded. "I know. Since this is a team exercise and your teammates were both able, and you are aware of the need for teamwork, not to mention I've observed some of your training with Tsunade, so you all pass. Good, now I can go and read in peace..."

Kakashi shunshined, leaving us on our own...

"...Is it just me, or was he really nervous about something?" I asked, wondering for his health. Prick or not, he was my sensei and a friend.

"Oh! Uh, I think he pissed off Tsume, or, something." Sakura threw in far too quickly, sounding exactly like a cover-up... A bad one.

"Judging from the way you and Tsunade were glaring at him earlier... I'd say he did something to piss a lotta people off. So, what'd he do? C'mon, it's gotta be worth a laugh." Heheh, I could use a good chuckle right about now. I was kinda bored.

"Uhm... I'm, uh, not entirely sure... It was something stupid, I think... Something really stupid..."

...

Except at the end there... She just sounded like she was trying NOT to tell me... And by some_thing_, she sounded like she wanted to say some_one. _Oooookay.

"Oookay... Whatever. I'll hear about it eventually." I stood, brushing myself off as Sakura's eyes widened, and I swear... She looked guilty for a second... But then it was gone, like it'd never been there.

...? Fucking ninjas.

Hn. "Anyway, I'll catch you two later. Gonna go and surprise Anko-chan." I started off with a smile on my face, and a boner in my pants.

But just before I was out of earshot... I hear Sakura muttering, more to herself than anything, "Yeah... It'll be her that surprises you this time... Surprising no one but you..."

...Man, everyone's gotten wierd these last two years.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I was walking along the streets, humming to myself, when something caught my eye... That wild mane of unkempt hair... Those tattoos... Aha! The Inuzuka matriarch.

Well... If Sakura won't tell me, I'll bet she will! Believe it or not, Tsume's a bit of a gossip.

Heheheheh.

"Oy, Tsume!" I jogged to catch up to her, and she turned to look for whoever called her name...

When she saw me, her eyes widened.

"...Sasuke? Is that you?"

"Heheh, the one and only. How've you been these last two years?"

"Agh, still alive. You?" Friendly as ever, despite the rough exterior.

"Yep, 'cept a lotta people have gotten wierd since I've been gone. Say, I hear you're still pissed at Kakashi."

Her expression soured. "Yeah, that worthless, no-good sack of sh- Wait." Her expression changed immediately and quite drastically... "Do you, uh, know what he did?" ...She sounded... Unsure, as if she didn't know what to tell me. Man, everyone's changed...

"Nah, I asked Sakura, but she got real tight-lipped. C'mon, it's bound to be funny. How bad did he fuck up?"

"...Worse than you can imagine. That's... All I can say. I've, ah, got to get some things done... I'll see you around, Sasuke." ...And like that, she took off, high-tailing it out of there like I'd started spraying her with a hose.

What the hell? What the helling hell?

Geeze, everyone's done gone and been replaced with pod-people...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**[Cue music; In Pieces, by Linkin Park, Minutes to Midnight] (By the way, music choice isn't a coincidence from here on out. EVER)**

I finally got home... Walking inside silently, listening...

I could hear someone cooking...

Hm. I made my way into the kitchen, and saw...

Anko, standing over a covered pot of something, humming to herself. Heheheheh, time for mischief...

I silently moved up behind her, then glomped my favorite kunoichi in a warm embrace.

"Ah! Not now... W-we can't..." I frowned. So did my boner. Her back went ramrod straight, kinda making things... Difficult.

"Aw, not you, too..." In an instant, she twisted herself around, staring at me with wide eyes.

"S-sasuke! You're home..."

I quirked an eyebrow. "I hope so, 'cuz if this isn't my house, there's kindof a problem. So What'sa matter? I figured YOU would be the one to jump ME when I walked through the door..."

"Oh, uh... N-not until dinner's done, 'kay?" She smiled, attempting a reassuring gesture with a head-tilt to follow.

"Sure." I smiled, trying to completely ignore my insticts... They were screaming that something was off, but I chalked it up to plain old paranoia.

I reached around the back of her head, pulling her close for a kiss...

She... Stiffened, as though she were expecting me to hit her...

After a moment, she returned the kiss in full-force, slowly letting ourselves seperate.

I... chose to overlook her strange behavior.

...I was a fool.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After that, I turned and headed out of the kitchen to cop a squap in the living room.

In there, I found Kin... Looking decidedly irritated. Huh.

She was wearing a new outfit altogether, and had a Leaf hitai-ate around her forehead. Looks like she became a Leaf-nin after all.

"Yo, Kin. Didja miss me?"

She gave a start, looking up to where I was, and shot to her feet. "Sasuke, there's something you need to know..." Just as she spoke... I heard something drop in the kitchen, followed by muttered curses.

...I ignored that. "Um, okay, yes, I am into threesomes, but you'll have to check with Anko, not me."

Kin blinked, looking panicky, then she blinked again, realising it was a joke. "No, listen, she-" ...Suddenly, Kin stopped short... And looked to be thinking on what she was about to say...

"...Is actually a pretty bad cook. Think you could fix supper every now and again, now that you're back?" She finished off her statement with something kinda random... As if she pulled it out of her ass to replace whatever she'd first intended to say.

"Uh, sure."

...The flippity flying FUCK is going on in this village?

...Oookay... I've got a bad feeling...

...Bah, that's probably just my boner. Go away, shoo, shoo.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Dinner was equally... Intriguing. Anko took her spot next to me, whereas Kin sat on my side of the table.

...As far away from Anko as she could possibly be, and avoided looking her direction as much as possible. Eesh, cold shoulder my ass. That's an entire frozen torso, right there.

"...Oookay... Alright, what happened between you two? Did I miss a catfight, or something?"

"No." They both responded, immediately with completely flat tones of voice, before locking glares.

...Lovely.

"Well, can you two put aside whatever issues you have for just a couple hours? C'mon, I just got back, I don't need to be mediating more childish squabbling..."

...Man, such a rapid change in temperament... Both of them went from furious to depressed with hints of self-loathing... What is this, a bloody soap opera?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Sigh...

Dinner done with, and I didn't hardly taste it... Ah, me...

After that... The real event started. Yaaaay, my balls were singing, '_It's beginning to look a lot... Like Christmas! Anko's in aaaall the stores...'_

...It's no surprise they sang off-key like a couple'a drunks. Eh.

Anywho, after dinner and dishes, I, ah, practically dragged a slightly reluctant Anko up the stairs to my/our bedroom, locked the door behind us while setting up the privacy/sound-proofing seals in the same motion, before pulling my love into a crushing embrace.

**[Cue Music; Someday, by Crossfade, Falling Away]**

"...I missed you, Hime."

"Yeah... I missed you, too."

Tongues collided, lips locked, libidos flared, and the next thing y'know, we were both on the bed bare-assed naked, still involved in some serious petting, groping and fondling.

...I tell ya, she was less like a snake and more like a bloody virgin, all tentative and halfway frigid. Man, what the hell?

Juuust after rolling her on top of me, pulled in for another quick(By our standards) kiss, before locking gazes. She was... Avoiding eye-contact. Huh.

"...Anko? You alright?"

"...Yeah." Erratic breathing... Quickened heartbeat... Her eyes shot downward for a split-second... Her three tells when she's nervous and panicked.

"You're lying." I pulled her closer, rubbing slow, calming circles in her back. It's one of those strange theraputic massages that actually works, oddly enough. "I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong... C'mon, tell me. I'm here for you, as I always will be."

"...I can't..." ...? What the...

...Hell...

Her entire body shook, wracked with each sob she tried to hold in...

"Ah- I can't... You'll... You'll hate me... Please... Please don't make me..." She was holding tightly to me, and I felt her tears soaking my shoulder.

"Shh... Shh, shh... It's okay... It's okay, it's okay..." W-what the fuck...

She's been holding this in for so long... Hurting so much... Nandaiyo... What's going on...

...And I held her like that... Crying into my shoulder, massaging her back, humming quietly, calming her down...

As her breathing slowly returned to normal, as her tears finally stopped flowing, my last endearment changed something... "It's okay, Anko... I love you, and I'll never hate you.. No matter what."

...For some reason... She started crying again, twice as hard... But just... Why...?

And who caused this... By Kami, when I find them... They will regret this...

Whatever _this _is, anyway...

So I settled in for the night, holding my lover close to me until she cried herself to sleep.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...And just as an afterthought...

I never did get laid that night... And my balls were screaming at me, '_TRAITOR! TRAITOR!_'

Thinking back, I'm not sure which was worse. The fact that Anko was BSOD, sobbing, crying against me in a show of weakness I hadn't seen since the night she told me all about Orochimaru and her apprenticeship to him,

OR.

The fact that I didn't get my rocks off and spend that entire day buried balls-deep in her.

Eh, pick-your-own-nightmare.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Thirty THOUSAND views! AWESOMESAUCE!**_

_**I! AM! BADASS! And... To top it all off, with a lovely cherry on top... Er, well... She's not so much of a cherry anymore, but, ah.. Oh! With a lovely lemon on top, my first graphic sex scene of this fanfic, will be in the next chapter! Purrrrfectly awesome! So READ and REVIEW, otherwise Anko's gonna find YOU!**_


	44. Chapter 44 Love Hurts

**Naruto; What If**

**Seventh Arc; Homecoming**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 44 - Suspicions... Confirmed

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**[Cue Music; Say You'll Love Me, by Evans Blue ]**

Morning eventually came... Bringing with it even more questions than answers. I opened my eyes, weary from being up so late last night, and still somewhat shocked over the sudden change in Anko's personality. Just what had changed since I left...

I didn't get much time to mull that over, before the snake-obsessed woman in question awoke, blinking her red-rimmed eyes as she stared at me.

"Sasuke..." Her voice was hoarse, questioning, and surprised all at the same time. She was surprised that I was still here...? What the hell...?

"Morning, love. You okay?" She smiled in reply, moving closer for a kiss.

"Better now that you're here..." Her hands traced the contours of my toned pecs, running feather-light fingers along the knots of scarred muscles down, moving in the general direction of turning this into her own little welcome-home soiree...

**{SEXUAL CONTENT BEGINS... HERE!}**

...Before taking hold of my... Well, our, favorite muscle.

"Hm? Oh, Kami... You really have grown, haven't you?" She was eyeing the meatstick as though it were a serving plate stacked ten feet high with fresh dango...

...I suddenly had a slight bout of anxiety, wondering if she still had her habit of biting...

"Heh, had to do something besides get my ass kicked for two years."

"Mm... I can see that..." She leaned downward, gently stroking my shaft before giving the head a lick.

Oooooh! Felt like lightning ran up my back...

She giggled for a moment, still stroking, still taking the occasional taste. "It's been too long for you, hasn't it...? You're twitching..." Within seconds, my third leg was rock-hard and throbbing. Not twitching, THROBBING. Get it right.

"I think I'll have a taste..." Whoooooaaaa-oooohhh...

Y'ever get that feeling... When something takes your penis, and starts trying to suck your balls out through your urethra? Well, that's what it felt like she was doing. And it felt _awesome..._

Er, anyway. As she was sucking the head of my meat-monster, she did something... Strange, but pleasing. Her tongue felt like it... lengthened...

...

...And then wrapped itself around my dick, stroki-

Eeengraghglfrarglemurphmrayb ernergknmstngarglrchkftchk...

...

...

1100100101011100101001010100 1101110010101010110101011010 100011010

...

...

"Mmph!- Ulp... Ulp...Ul-Gurk! *Hack, Cough, Sputter* Fuwah, Kami, there's so much!... Geeze, when's the last time you got off?"

"..."

"...Sasuke? Sasuke, you alright?"

"Sensory overload. Please wait while this unit reboots..."

"...Felt that good, huh?" She smirked, licking up the last dollop of the thick, off-white stuff that had escaped past her lips.

And as my mind finally started to recolor itself, those little flashing snowflake-like sparks faded away, and I regained some semblance of coherant thought...

"...That... Was... Awesome..." Anko giggled, saying,

"I thought you'd appreciate that... But seeing as you're still... Excited, care to keep going?" She was eyeing my throbbing member again, before taking another looooong li-

Howmanylicksdoesittaketogett othecenterofatootsiepop?!

...

Howmuchwoodcouldawoodchuckch uckifawoodchuckcouldchuckwoo d?!

...

"Oh? You're twitching again..."

"Anko."

She looked up. "Hm?"

"Do you have anywhere to be, today?"

"...Not that I'm aware of... Why?"

"Because when I'm done, you aren't going to be able to walk, talk, or eat solids."

She blinked, blushing, and gave me a deadpan stare. "Take me, then, stud."

...

...

What? You want me to write out a long-ass description while I fuck her brains out? Get real, I can't stop right in the middle to write out coherant thoughts that I no longer possess. The only reason I wrote this was because I wasn't using my hands for it, and she was doing all the work. Even then, I lost focus a few times...

So fuck off, I'll get back to you in a few... Several, hours.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Some nine hours later...**

I blew my last load, my clenched muscles spasming with every contraction, before finally relaxing, my entire body feeling like jell-o.

Sore, bruised, spent, exhausted jell-o. My cock was still inside her, still throbbing, feeling both raw and sore for some time, before finally going limp and slipping out with a wet *Schlr-plop,* slapping against my thighs.

Right after that, Anko's legs gave out and she finally collapsed on top of me, eyes blank, a contented, absent look on her face...

**{SEXUAL CONTEND END}**

She didn't stay that way for long, as she closed her eyes and drifted off into her traditional post-coital coma that always comes right after getting fucked into next week. I was close to joining her, when,

"_If you two are done letting the whole VILLAGE know that you're fucking, dinner's done!_" Kin shouted from outside the room, sounding thoroughly annoyed.

Whoops, forgot about those privacy seals again...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After tucking Anko in and letting her get some rest, I grabbed a quick shower and headed downstairs, feeling much better than when I'd went up. Sore, tired and my muscles felt kinda mushy, but still. Rejuvenated.

"Huh? You're still conscience?" Kin asked, looking up from the plate of food she'd been halfheartedly nibbling at.

"And ravenous. It seems my training has, ah, left me with more energy than I'd estimated. Anko should be back up and walking bow-legged in, ah..." I did a quick guestimation in my head. "...I'd say in roughly twelve hours or so. Unless she gets the munchies, in which case she'll be up in a bit ruining all those hours of exercise we just finished."

Kin shook her head as I went into the kitchen, making myself a plate of the stir fry she'd cooked up.

I daresay... Kin is a better cook than I am. Amazing.

...Then again, I did spend two years with two guys, and we all shared methods of cooking wild game with minimal supplies. I tell ya, he might not look it, but that old sage knows his way around a campfire. You know anyone else who can use a sword as a skillet?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**[Cue Music; Across the Line, by Linkin Park]**

As we sat chowing down in uncomfortable silence, I finally broke it, asking, "Hey, Kin. What was it you were going to tell me yesterday?"

She was silent, staring numbly at the food in front of her, as though it was suddenly unappetising. "...It's not something you want to hear."

I shrugged. "When is it ever something I want to hear when someone comes up and says, '_we need to talk..._' ? C'mon, I've heard it all. Ooh, ooh, lemme guess; Anko's pregnant, and Kakashi's the father?" I joked, chuckling to myself.

Kin's jaw _dropped. _As in, hit the table, tongue rolling out like a red carpet, her heart jumping up and doing a jig in her throat before using her uvula as a fireman's slide-pole back down into her chest.

...To be nonchalant about it, that is. She made some kind of strangled squeek, staring at me in shock. "You- Y-you-!"

I blinked, tilting my head. "Uhh... I was making a joke. C'mon, what is it?" Eesh, that was, ah, awkward. Wonder what her deal is?

"...Forget it. It's... Not something I should be telling you."

"Oh...Kay..." Weeeeeeeeiiirrrrrrdddd...

"...You'll thank me later. You'll find out soon enough anyway..."

Do do do- do dooooo...

I swear, I could hear that melody playing, to further the mystery and my annoyance. Really... What the hell?

Just before I could stand, I heard movement behind me, and I noticed Kin's stare shifting behind me, turning into a glare.

"...Won't he, Anko?" The former-Oto nin finished, a deep frown set in her features.

I turned my head, taking in...

The sight of Anko, wearing a too-large shirt that came down to her knees, her hair down and face looking...

...Depressed, guilty, and... In pain...?

"...Anko? Uh, you alright?"

She nodded, a sad smile on her face. "Yeah... And I'll tell you everything tomorrow... Okay?" ...I heard Kin shifting, the sound of cloth rubbing skin... Huh...

I smiled. "Sure. You hungry?"

...I swear... She flinched, looking both conflicted and in great pain, unshed tears forming again...

Just... What the hell's going on...?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We went back to bed after dinner, spending that night in each other's arms.

...

It was... The last.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Morning finally came, and after spending a good hour copulating, we did it again in the shower before setting out on our individual tasks for the day.

I was cheery as usual, smiling, humming to myself, and I noticed something... The shinobi of the village gave me a wide berth, standing clear and seeming to turn away to avoid meeting my gaze. Wierd...

Well, whatever. I moved further through the village, heading for the Hokage Tower, when something strange happened...

...

Something was.. Tugging at me... Not physically, but...

It felt like someone was gently pulling at the strings of my soul... Gentle, but incessant, urgent.

"Huh... So it's time already... Well, at least they're getting it out of the way early." I smirked, flaring my chakra so Naruto would feel it, bringing my hands together and focusing a vast amount of chakra required for this technique...

I was slightly better at it than Naruto, but he could use it far more easily, having a greater level of chakra. Neither of us has fully mastered it, so it used quite a lot of chakra, and I had to use it sparingly.

Ah... I felt Naruto pulsing his chakra in response, signaling his acknowledgement. He was aware that our operation was beginning.

"Alright... Time to go to work. _Hiraishin!__"_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

While many think you just disappear and reappear elsewhere, it's actually like a summoning. You are warped into another dimension for an instant, and then dropped back into our own, in an entirely different location. Depending on the individual, there is a bright flash of light, of which the color is dependant on the user of the technique. Naruto's is orange; taking the yellow of his father's, and the red of the Kyuubi's chakra.

Mine, was an electric blue, the same color as chidori. Anyway, after half a second of being thrown through a maelstrom, I was brought to a gut-wrenching stop, hanging a good five feet in the air, before dropping down onto the ground.

Whoa, scratch that, onto a platform of sand. A floating, platform of sand.

As I stood, I looked around...

"Yo, Gaara. You rang?" He blinked owlishly, then returned his attention to the pest flying over his village.

"That was quick. I expected you to take more than ten minutes to arrive."

I shrugged. "Eh, speedy delivery is my motto. Except in bed... That's an hour or longer, or it's free." ...He turned and stared at me again.

"It seems your sense of humor hasn't changed. And you were right about the woman from Akatsuki..." He turned back, still trying to catch Deidara with his sand. We were roughly... Seventy, eighty feet about the rooftops below us, and Gaara had nearly half a mile's worth of sand suspended up here, trying to catch the blonde bastard.

"Hey, hey, I happen to like my sense of humor. And, ah, Deidara's actually a guy, by the way." Gaara came to a sudden stop, his sand freezing in place.

"...You are making another joke, are you not?"

"...No, in fact, I'm not. But hey, the crossdresser likes painting his nails and keeping his hair long. So what?"

"...And I thought Kankuro was strange..." Right here, I started chuckling.

"Hey, you've found your sense of humor!"

"I was unaware that I had lost it."

...Man, this guy is like a rock. Or sandstone?

"Well, whatever, mate. If you can keep blondie distracted for a few minutes, I can bring 'im down."

"Do so. He is harder to pin down than my brother on bathing days..." ...I couldn't help chuckling again.

**[Cue Music; Burn in My Light, by Mercy Drive]**

I took a breath, surging my chakra, and focused a massive amount of lightning-nature chakra through my arms, forming a pair of super-sized chidori's.(Like big-ball rasengans)

"Okay... Time to bring the _boom!_"

...And I brought them together, skyward, sending a massive arc of lightning into the air, quickly followed by four more, as the sky started to darken...

"Hmm... Needs a bit more..." I brougth my hands together, forcing more chakra into my lungs.

"Great Dragon Fire jutsu!" Breathe in... Look up, focus, and force the fire out.

*_FWOOSH!* _

Upward, rose the biggest fireball one could imagine possible without the aid of the Boss Toad, rising into the sky, higher and higher, until it reached the areas where the air was a cooler temperature...

Within another few moments, the sky darkened, turning pitch-black with rolling thunderclouds.

"Heh... Hey, Gaara. How often does it storm, here in the desert?" Gaara had looked up with pure awe in his normally-stony features.

"...Perhaps twice in a year... But this..." I smirked.

"This, my friend, is Heaven's Wrath..."

As if on cue, everything was shaken by the massive, thunderous ***THA-BOOM!*** Of thunder, as lightning cracked the sky...

Breathe in, breathe out... Focus...

Lightning is drawn to lightning-element chakra, so...

I formed another pair of chidori's, carefully measuring where Deidara was flying, leading him...

He was staring at the cloads above us, and the flashes of lightning... I think he was starting to realise just what was going on. He urged his mount to move faster, to get as far away from those coulds as possible

"Heh. Too late now, punk..." I brought the handheld lightning-balls together, willing the energy to follow the path my chakra laid out...

...And arc'd through the air, striking the dumb blonde, lighting him up like the Tenth of October. "...And now for the finale of this farce... _**Burn in my light**__._"

***THA-BOOOOMTCSH***

...From above, several streaks of lightning came down like the wrath of Kami, striking the flamboyant member of Akatsuki, detonating his flying explosive, and turning both it and him into nothing,

...But _**ash**_.

His silhouette crumbled away, and within five minutes, the clouds dispersed, letting the bright rays of sunlight warm our faces once more.

I collapsed on my ass, breathing hard. "Whew, man that was exhausting... Who'da thought it would be so difficult to make a stormcloud in a desert..."

Gaara was still staring at me with wide eyes. "That was... You invented a technique for creating and harnessing lightning?"

"Aye, but it's not as hard as it sounds. Just a matter of control and precision. But I, ah, don't reccommend playing with the stuff. Zapped myself more times than I'd like to admit, trying to perfect it... Pretty sure Akatsuki won't bother you much now, though I dunno if Sasori is still in the area."

He blinked. "...Sasori? Sasori of the Red Sand?"

I nodded. "The very same. He's turned himself into some kinda living puppet, and he acts as Deidara's partner in Akatsuki. Though after a show like that, he might just skedaddle out of here. If he shows up, think you could take him?"

Gaara looked thoughtful for a moment... "More than likely. However, I'll signal you and Naruto if I find myself in a losing situation."

I gave him a thumbs-up. "Gotcha." After getting to my feet and dusting myself off, I readdressed him. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna head back and get myself a bite to eat. Oh, and, ah, Naruto sends his regards, but since Deidara is a long-distance flying type shinobi, Naruto couldn't do as much against him. Not to mention, I think he's with Hinata right about now..."

The Kazekage adopted a wry smile. "Perfectly understandable. Thank you for your aid, and please tell Naruto I wish him and his mate well." The redhead inclined his red head, as I waved and focused another chunk of my chakra.

"I'll see you around, Gaara. Hiraishin!"

...And like that, I vanished, thinking of the Hokage Tower...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I reappeared with that same old nauseating motion sickness that comes with being forcibly thrown through multiple dimensions, standing right in the middle of the Hokage's office, blinking.

"GUWAH!" Tsunade jumped, falling out of her chair, then shooting to her feet.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!" I blinked, shaking the double-vision from my head.

"Huh? Oh, sorry. I just finished helping the Kazekage fight off Akatsuki."

Her eye twitched. "And just HOW the FUCK did you help him, when Suna is nearly a WEEK away?"

My head tilted, and I frowned. "What, the old perv didn't tell you about it? He taught us Hiraishin."

She blinked. "The Flying Thunder God technique? There is no way. Even he has a difficult time using that, and it takes three Jounin working together to use it. How in the _hell _did you learn it?"

"Erm, because Naruto and I made a bet to see who could master it first? And then we spent four months perfecting it, using shadow clones? Uh, because we're badass like that?" Her eye twitched again. "I can keep making excuses, if you like. I teleported here because I haven't put a seal on my house yet."

She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Fine. Just don't do that on a whim anymore, before one of you gives me a heart attack. And work on your control, you let off enough chakra just now to make everyone in the village jump."

I snapped my fingers, saying, "AHA! That's why it takes so much chakra to use! I'll have to work on that..." So it's excess chakra runoff, since we put too much in into it in the first place... Then it bleeds off when we arrive at our destination, and then-

"Work on it SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN MY OFFICE!" Tsunade shouted, banging a fist on her desk.

"Gotcha, see you around Tsunade!" I hauled ass out of there. No point pissing her off too much, ya?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Wandering through the village again, I dropped by Ichiraku's, running into Naruto.

"Heya, Naruto."

"Yo, Sasuke. How'd it go in Suna?"

" 'Bout as expected. Deidara's fried, I think Sasori ran off, and Tsunade's pissed at me. Oh, by the way, Gaara says congratulations, he wishes you and Hinata are doing well making babies."

"Hah! There anything new going on over there?" He asked, slurping up another mouthful of noodles.

I started in on my own bowl. "Not really. Temari and Kankuro are both Jounin, and dollboy still wears makeup."

"Huh. Betcha he hasn't got a girlfriend."

I looked at him. "Course he does. Posable Polly." Naruto choked on his ramen, busting out laughing as I did the same.

"Hahahahahahaha! Wonder what their kids'll look like. Sasori?"

Now it was my turn to laugh my ass off and outta my chair. "Hah! That's a good one! Betcha he names his kids Ken and Barbie!"

...We spent a good half-hour laughing it up at Kankuro's expense, just before someone wearing a dark cloak sat down next to us.

"You know, it's quite rude to take pleasure by poking fun at friends' habits." The new voice stated, calm and monotonous.

Blondie and I turned to stare at this interloper, ready to make our own defenses/scathing remarks, when we noticed something...

He was wearing an Akatsuki cloak... With dark hair...

...And a slashed Konoha hitai-ate.

"Brother? What're you doing here in the village?" I asked, stunned to see him coming to visit.

"Ah... My employer has discovered our little... Game. It seems my time to return to Konoha has finally come..." This is... Unexpected, to say the least.

"Well, that's great, then. Perhaps we can finally right the wrongs of the past." This is turnign out great! How the hell did he manage to get in this time, anyway? You'd think after two years ago, they'd be able to notice him, by now.

"Mm... Perhaps."

Naruto was grinning, looking between us. "Say, Itachi, how can you say making fun of our friends and coworkers is bad, considering who YOU work with? There's no way you and Kisame went so long without making fun of the other freaks working for Tobi. Er, you excluded, that is."

"...Naruto-kun, Imouto-kun, do as I say, not as I do."

...Naruto and I had a good laugh at that, that we did.

Oro?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, we weren't able to sit there peacefully for too long. After roughly twenty minutes, I felt a chill run up my spine...

And turned to see three whole squads of Anbu surrounding us, with Kakashi, Guy, Asuma, and the commander of Anbu, all standing there, looking tense.

I could feel myself sweatdrop, and I could tell Naruto did, too.

We shared a look. "Err, can we help you gentlemen?"

The Anbu commander didn't bother chewing the scenery. "Step away from Itachi. And you. Don't move." ...Lovely.

I sighed, standing, surging my chakra to the point where it became visible to the naked eye. "Naruto." One word, and he knew my intentions.

He stood, doing the same, as we placed ourselves between the ensemble and Itachi. Now...

When someone with Kage-levels of chakra is staring you down, and you can litterally _see_ the stuff flowing off of them, you do NOT piss them off. Just a general rule of thumb.

"Stand down, all of you. Feel free to walk with us, but Itachi will be meeting with the Hokage before you try to drag him off in chains. If any of you have a problem with that, feel free to attack me now and get it out of the way early."

I swear... Kakashi looked about ready to shit himself, and half the assembled Anbu seemed anxious. Guy was perturbed, but remained steadfast. Asuma... No clue. He looked stony-faced. The only one who did not react whatsoever, was the commander. But then again, I couldn't see his face behind his mask.

"...Sasuke, I would think you, of all people, would wish to see Itachi in chains."

I shook my head slowly, never taking my now-blazing sharingan off of the eye-holes in his mask. "Not since I learned the truth. Will you let us pass, or do we go through you?"

Kakashi's sharingan eye widened, and he suddenly stared at the commander, furiously whispering something to him. ...I get the feeling he did not want to find out whether or not I was willing to follow through on that threat.

"...Very well. After she makes her decision, you will not interfere."

I nodded, smirking. "And neither will you."

...I think my reply baffled some of them.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I think it's safe to say, Tsunade was in complete, utter shock. She had just berated Sasuke for warping into her office, scaring the shit out of her, and now, he and Naruto walk in, arm-in-arm with Itachi Uchiha. The perpetrator of the Uchiha Massacre.

...I don't blame her for being overwhelmed.

Her jaw dropped when we walked in, and stayed there for a solid minute.

"...Just what the hell is the meaning of this?"

I beamed. "The most loyal shinobi of Konoha returns successful in his mission. And before you start yelling, would someone please fetch Hiruzen, so I don't have to get yelled at?"

Tsunade blinked, then nodded towards one of the Anbu, who shunshined away, returning some five minutes later with the Third Hokage in tow.

The old man blinked. "Itachi?"

My brother nodded, calmly replying, "It's good to see you again, Sarutobi-sama. My apologies for this, but would you explain to those present the truth?"

...Hiruzen smiled, looking grandfatherly once more. "Very well. Anbu."

Every one of them stood to attention, awaiting whatever orders the former Hokage had to give. "All of you except the commander, please leave. You will be briefed based on your commander's discretion at a later date."

...I think they were collectively shocked, but none of them disagreed. They all shunshined, leaving us with just...

Hm. Myself, Naruto and Itachi, obviously. Tsunade, Hiruzen, the commander, Kakashi, Guy, Asuma... Oh, and Shizune, but she remained silent. Hm. Well, this should make for an interesting storytime...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

It took a good two hours. The Third explained the entire story behind the coup, Itachi's involvement, and the elders' forcing the Hokage's hand after negotiations failed.

After hearing all that, Tsunade slumped back in her seat, groaning. "I'm going to need a drink... Shizune."

Her apprentice nodded, looking mentally exhausted and ungodly sympathetic as she wordlessly rummaged in one of the cabinets for a sake bottle...

"Make it the strong stuff-" Tsunade didn't get to finish, before that bottle of Bloody Mist Brandy was on her desk, quickly followed by several tumblers.

"..Shizune, you know me so well." Within seconds, Tsunade had drained one glass and was halfway into the next.

After that she motioned to the rest of us. "Go ahead, now's a good a time as any."

The Anbu commander declined, as did Itachi, albeit more politely. Though the rest of us enjoyed the liquid fire.

"So... In a nutshell, Itachi has been the most deeply-embedded double-agent in Konoha's history."

Itachi shrugged. "Essentially."

"And now, you're returning to rejoin our forces, because...?" The blonde woman asked, looking intently at the former missing-nin.

"I can no longer remain within the ranks of Akatsuki; it's true leader, Tobi, is aware of my activities and allegiences. It would only be a matter of time before he had me eliminated. As of right now, I can greatest aid the village by returning as apart of its defences."

Tsunade sighed, draining the rest of her liquor. "Very well. You'll be subjected to a complete mind-scan by the patriarch of the Yamanaka, as well as put through a full psychological examination by the head of T&I. After you've been cleared, you will be reinstated as a Jounin of Konoha. As of right now, you're released into your brother's care." Tsunade finished up, reaching for that bottle again.

"Oh, ah, Tsunade." I interjected, making her look up. "Before that, would you be so kind as to take a look at my brother's eyes?"

She blinked, and I swear, Itachi blinked as well, staring at me.

The Hokage sighed again, placing her glass down and standing, walking around to my brother.

"Remain still." Her hand glowed with a soft green light of chakra, which she placed over his eyes, and she closed her own, concentrating for a few moments...

...Before removing her hand, blinking as she gave Itachi a hard stare.

"How in the HELL have you been getting around without walking into everything?!"

Itachi shrugged offhandedly, replying, "Very carefully."

She sighed, and said, "Hmph. I'll prepare something to help that when I've got the time... And you're getting a full physical examination tonight. No ifs ands or buts."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

And with that, Tsunade dismissed us, saying she would release a general order to all shinobi of the village within minutes, and that Itachi was to return to her office this evening to be mind-probed and have his prostate poked. Other than that, he was released into my tender, loving care.

...Oh, how Anko would abuse my using that phrase.

Anyway...

On our way out the door, Itachi called to Kakashi, "Hatake-san. My apologies for any harm I inflicted upon you during our last encounter. Gomen nasai." My brother bowed low, much to Kakashi's surprise.

"It's fine. I bear you no ill will." ...Call it a hunch, but I wouldn't trust him just yet.

But, ah, well. Naruto was walking with us, as Kakashi went off on his own, once again avoiding my company. That, or he just didn't want to hang out with Itachi. Eh, either way.

"Huh. Wonder what's eating him?" Naruto idly asked, wondering about our sensei.

"Guilt, though not for what you may think." Itachi responded, sounding even more solemn than usual.

"Guilt? What for?" My partner asked, looking puzzled.

"I'm sorry; it is not for me to say." ...? He sounded even more solemn with that statement than the last. Eesh...

"Huh... You're the second person to use that phrase today. Is it just me, or has half the village been replaced with pod-people?" I threw in, still oddly confused by the reactions of quite a few of the people I'd seen.

Naruto shrugged. "Dunno. I've only seen one or two acting wierd, and only around you, Sasuke. Who'd you piss off?"

I blinked. Only around me...? What the hell? "Huh. No one that I can recall... At least not recently. Eh, fuck 'em." I shrugged, and just remembered something.

"Say, Naruto... You seen any of the rookie 9?"

He shook his head. "Not yet, besides Sakura-chan."

"Hmm... Heh. You got any plans for dinner, you two?" Itachi shook his head, of course, and Naruto did the same.

"Alright. I'll head around and see if I can't rope anyone else into joining us, we'll make a party of it. Think the Golden Arch will do well enough?"

The blonde's eyes widened. "You serious? That'd cost a fortune, and that's before you even factor Choji into it!" I simply grinned.

"What good is it to have money if you haven't got anyone to spend it on?" He mirrored my expression as I went on. "So let's go see if we can't round up all our old friends for tonight! Tell 'em seven sharp, the Golden Arch. And bro," I looked to my elder brother. "I'll convince Tsunade to let you off early for dinner if need be."

He smiled, that caring older brother look that only he could pull off so well. "Thank you, Sasuke-kun."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...And like that, I was off, searching for any- and everyone I could find...

Aha! There they were, entering the village again. Haku and Zabuza, both looking a bit different than I remember. Haku was taller, and remarkably, more feminine. No tits, but he wore an androgynous outfit that didn't help matters. Zabuza... He wore the standard Jounin uniform, albeit with bandages covering his face and his headband turned and tilted, not to mention his sleeves were ripped off, with arm covers. He had his sword on his back, as usual.

I dropped down in front of them, grinning. "Yo, Okama and No-brows!"

Zabuza's eye twitched, but when he noticed Haku's reaction, he began chuckling.

The last Yuki's features were contorted between anger, frustration, and exhaustion. The angrish was strong, within this one...

"You-! You-! GAH! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SPREAD THAT AROUND!" I busted out laughing, amused at his inability to cope with being called femboy or dickgirl, or shemale... Heheheheheh.

"Hey, hey, I only mentioned it to ONE person..." And that one person was Ino. The village gossip.

"THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY BETTER!" He was seriously pissed. Wow.

"Well, would dinner at the Golden Arch be enough to earn your forgiveness, O beautious one? My treat. You, too, Zabuza. Seven sharp tonight. And..." I looked towards Haku who was still fuming. "...I think I'll take my leave before she- er, he, tries to turn me into a jerkcicle."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After making my escape, I looked around some more... And eventually found Kurenai, walking along, hand-in-hand with-

Asuma. Hm... I sense mischief in the making...

I hopped down, quickly walking till I caught up with 'em.

"Oy, Kurenai, Asuma!" They both turned, springing apart.

"Oh, Sasuke. What is it?" ...Points for TRYING to look nonchalant.

"Not much, just wanted to inform the two of you that you and your teams are invited to a dinner I've got planned at the Golden Arch tonight at seven. It's my treat, and I could even get you two a seperate, secluded table, if you'd like."

...Bright red, their faces were. It was worth the long-winded explanation, and even more, worth the price the dinner would be.

In the lull before they could react, I looked at Kurenai. "Congratulations, miss Yuhi. Who's the lucky father?"

...Oh, dear Kami... The _LOOK _on her face was totally worth it when she hurled a kunai at my head. I swear, it was. Heheheheh.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Now, then...

After making ANOTHER great escape, I meandered down to the Golden Arch itself...

Very fine, high-end place. Usually needs reservations.

Not when you have enough money to buy the place five times over.

Whistling cheerily, I waltzed inside, found the host, and pulled him aside.

"Hey, now. I'd like to make reservations for tonight at seven."

"Ah, Mister Uchiha. Very well, sir. How many guests?"

"About... Hm. Twenty-two, or so. Also, of those, could you move a table for two aside, and out of the way? Perferably with a more romantic layout."

The man was nodding, ryo signs in his eyes. "As you wish, sir. Would you like to look at our selection of fine wines?" He was good.

"No, thank you. Make it a Thessia Red for those two, whole bottle. Ah, could you also place a vase with one red, and one white rose? The two of them are celebrating a pregnancy, might as well go all-out." The man nodded, looking... Not exactly overjoyed, but happy for the couple, I suppose.

"Ah, of course, sir. Will you be paying for the entire entourage in advance, or will the individual guests be contributing?" I was already reaching for my wallet.

"I'll take care of the check now, with consideration for the short notice on perparation, of course."

"Of course, sir. You have my gratitude for your continued patronage." He inclined his head, quickly and efficiently counting the money out, going through the expenses in his head. He was a pretty good dinner host. Real sharp.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Okie-day, dinner's paid for, now all I have to do is round up the rest of the guests.

Gotta find Guy and his team... Shouldn't be too hard, right?

Training fields, or the Hyuuga manor...

Hm. Heheheheheh, wonder if Neji's forgotten about the last time I suckered him into going into the Golden Arch...?

...Probably not.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Found him pretty easy, to be honest. He was... Helping Hinata train. Hm...

I dropped down into the courtyard, surprising no one but the youngest Hyuuga present. Young Hanabi was watching her sister and cousin, sitting next to her father, who acknowledged me with a nod.

"Sasuke. What brings you here?" Huh. He seems to have mellowed out.

"Hey, Hiashi. Just dropping off a message to Hinata and Neji... Hm. Looks like Naruto and I weren't the only ones who've gotten far stronger, these last two years." Those two were fighting hard, equally matched in jyuuken... Hmm...

Strange... Hinata is moving faster than I would have expected, striking with more force than her body could normally exert. Naruto told her about our chakra cycling, perhaps?

Neji was definately worthy of his Jounin rank, though... His chakra levels have vastly improved, as has his mastery of the gentle fist.

"Indeed. Uzumaki's influence on my daughter has driven her to improve herself exponentially, and she is now evenly matched with Neji in terms of combat ability. Not to say that he hasn't been pushing himself as well; he was made Jounin two months past."

I smiled. "Impressive. Heheh, speaking of rank... Naruto's going to flip when someone finally tells him that since we've been gone two years, we're both still Genin."

After another few minutes, Neji and Hinata ended their spar, approaching us, both looking sweaty and somewhat exhausted.

"Yo. Good to see you two getting along." I greeted, smiling kindly.

"Ah, hello, Sasuke-kun." Hinata greeted, inclining her head, still smiling.

"Yes, it's good to see you, as well, Sasuke." Neji was much... MUCH more mellow than two years ago... Huh. Well, he wasn't attacking me, so there's that.

"Mm. Congratulations on making jounin, Neji. And before I forget why I even came here... Both you and your teams are invited to dinner at the Golden Arch tonight at seven, my treat. If either of you run into the others, would you mind telling them in case you find 'em before I do?"

Both of them seemed slightly taken aback, but Neji less so, seeing as he was used to my antics by now.

"Ah, but Sasuke-kun, that's too generous..." Hinata tried to say, before I got out,

"Hey, hey, money's no good if you've got no one to spend it on, ne? Besides, Naruto and everyone'll be there." ...The moment I pointed that out, whatever protests she had died in her throat, that happy, contented smile taking over her features...

"...You just had to mention him, didn't you? Now she'll be like this for another hour..." Neji snarked, waving a hand in front of Hinata's face. Nope, she was off in dreamland, daydreaming of naked Naruto's.

"Hey, it works, doesn't it? At least she stopped fainting whenever someone mentioned him."

...All three Hyuuga's stared at me. "What do you mean, she stopped?" They all asked, completely deadpan.

...

"...You're... You're kidding me, right? They've- Err, been- They've done- Gah! You know what I mean. And yet she still faints around him?"

Nods all around. Wow. "Huh. I dunno if I should feel sorry or impressed."

As if on cue...

"**NANDAYO?! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M STILL A GENIN?!**"

I raised an eyebrow, glancing at Hiashi.

"Told ya."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After that outburst, I can just see Naruto marching right up to Tsunade and _demanding _a promotion after having our abilities praised by Kakashi, not to mention being apprenticed to a Sannin. But, ah, well.

Okay, that's the teams and the twins invited, gotta get Kakashi, Anko, Kin, and Sakura, then tell Tsunade about it so she won't chain Itachi to a chair/bed/whatever.

I fpulsed my chakra, waiting for a few moments...

I felt Naruto do the same, some two-fifty yards out...

Moving in that direction, after some time I pulsed again, and got a response, just around the corner.

We practiced this for a whole month, running through the trees playing Marco-Polo with our chakra, learning how to better sense others' chakra signature. It was a very useful exercise, and even allowed us to signal one another from miles away, even communicate vague things.

But, I digress.

"Yo, Naruto. You get anyone else on board?" He looked up, from where he was chatting with Shikamaru and... Temari?

"Yeah, these two are joining us. As a couple, even." He beamed, easily side-stepping as the blonde girl swung her fan at him. Heheh, another tsundere?

"Oh? Man, what is it with ninjas and tsunderes..."

Naruto snorted, trying not to laugh, as Shika and Temari stared at me. "Tsundere...? The hell is that?"

After a moment, Shika's eyes widened, and he took a subtle step away from the sand Jounin, saying, "Eheh, good to see you again, Sasuke. Still taking every chance you can, huh?"

"Always. Life's no fun if you don't take chances, ne?"

...After a moment...

"Tsun... Dere... HEY! You calling me bipolar?!" She finally got it...

...Somewhat.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Naruto had gotten Sakura and Kaka involved, so all I had to do, was find Kin and Anko...

Hmm... Now where...

...Aha.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Tracking down Anko wasn't difficult, nor was roping her into coming along. Still... She looked guilty as she agreed, making me wonder more, and more... What was it she was going to tell me, that she was so afraid I'd be upset over...?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Kin was mulling around looking bored, so she agreed to join in on our reindeer games. Fun, fun.

After that, I dropped by Tsunade's office and pleaded my case, which she had no issues with, surprisingly enough. She agreed to reschedual my brother's physical check-up for tomorrow, since she'd need the extra time to prepare anyway.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

When seven o'clock finally came around, the twenty-two of us were sitting in the restaurant, pulling out chairs, laughing it up, generally catching up on all of our latest adventures.

When our waiters finally got around to it, they took our orders. I got myself a klava, as did Naruto, since we'd acquired a taste for them on our travels with the pervert. While not something I would get everyday, it's enjoyable... An acquired taste, I must admit.

Regardless...

All of us sitting down, I heard many statements of gratitude directed in my direction(Obviously) but I gave them all a blank stare.

"What're you talking about? Naruto's paying."

"WHAT?!" ...The look on his face was priceless, until he figured out I was making a joke.

"Heheh, kidding, kidding. The real reason I invited you all here today, is for a very, very special occasion. I've recieved some good news, though it should come as no surprise. For you see, someone here has brought a new life into this world..."

...Shocked expressions all around, though Naruto gave me a look, conferring his thoughts on what he'd do if I said it was him and Hinata again. Anyway, quite a few of 'em were giving me and Anko looks, and I swear... Her blush was worth whatever pain she'd inflict on me when we got out of here.(It wasn't... It was most definately NOT worth it)

"Now, now, everyone, it isn't me. Congratulations, Kakashi." I turned, sticking my hand out, smiling. He choked on his drink, doing a spit-take before staring at me in shock.

...Even through his facemask, his expression was clearly visible. I was pretty sure he was about to shit himself... His mouth was agape, visible eye wide as a dinner plate.

I blinked. "...Did she not tell you yet, Kakashi-sensei?" ...Anko choked on her own drink, coughing and pounding her chest for a few moments. But everyone else(Save Naruto and Temari) was staring in wide-eyed shock.

...After a solid minute and a half of silence and watching Kakashi look more and more like he was going to dive out of that place at top speed, I said, "...Man, what the hell? Can no one take a bad joke these days?"

...Several people collapsed out of their chairs, breathing sighs of relief. What the fuck?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Naruto and I went on to deliver several skits and reenactments of events from our training trip, particularly the funny ones. 'Cuz we did some crazy, stupid shit over those two years...

We also gave many embarassing recollections of the pervert's(Jiraiya) failed attempts at wooing members of the fairer sex. Including a very detailed description of the time we sent him to peek in the women's bath during senior sunday... When all the senior citizens have the onsen all to themselves...

I don't think that man got another boner that entire month. Heheheh, moron.

Not to mention, telling gruesome, excruciating tales of our training... Those were fun. I think we even grossed Kiba out talking about some of the things we had to cook while we were camping out for months at a time. And I don't suppose talking about the side-effects of those mushrooms the pervert tricked us into eating helped the situation, either.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

That dinner lasted a good two hours, of eating, drinking, talking and laughing. It felt like the entirety of the Konoha Twelve were... A family. Dysfunctional, but a family nonetheless.

After we'd all left, with Anko and I heading back home, and Itachi going to get his mind probed, I got this nasty feeling of forboding... Like a heavy lead ball rolling around in the pit of my gut. I tried my damndest to ignore it, but... A ninja lives or dies by his instincts, and his ability to interpret them. So just... What does this mean...?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We finally got home, and Anko was still being unusually silent... It was unnerving, to say the least. After wandering through the dining room, I noticed Kin making herself scarce, scampering off silently. Huh.

Another five minutes' silence passed...

I wrapped an arm around Anko, pulling her close, nuzzling her cheek. "Hey. You okay? You've been oddly quiet all night..."

"No. I'm not..."

**[Cue Music; How Could You, by Saliva, Cinco Diablo]**

I frowned, as she pulled away, hands clenching her upper arms, digging in her nails... Hard enough to draw blood...

"...Anko...?"

"I'm not okay! I... I fucked Kakashi!"

I blinked, head tilted as my entire mind kinda went... 'Huh...?'

"Uhh... Yeah, kinda figured that, him being your ex." Something's not...

"No..." She turned away, trying to keep me from seeing the tears in her eyes... "...While you were gone..."

...

...

"...I am sorry. I... Can't keep my promise..." Even as the words left my mouth, my entire body felt numb, hollow...

...Just as my heart felt as though it were being crushed in a vice.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

The sound of a heart breaking... It sounds so very familiar to that of a door slamming, of tears falling.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Finally! Got that lemon scene outta the way, so y'all can stop pestering me about it. You know who you are. AAAAAAANNNNNNDD...**_

_**ITACHI! IS! BACK! **_

_**...With a vengeance.**_

_**And YES, I know imouto is little sister; it was a joke Itachi was poking fun at Sasuke, kinda like how he would poke his forehead.(He can't do that anymore, y'know, the hitai-ate)**_

_**Story so far; Anko cheated with Kakashi. That's all that's confirmed. The pregnancy joke scared the piss out of Kaka and several others, however, seeing as everyone except outsiders, Naruto and Sasuke were aware of the affair.**_

_**Also; can you find the Mass Effect shout-out in this chapter? Or, how about the Vlad Taltos one?**_


	45. Chapter 45 The Sound of Heartbreak

**Naruto; What If**

**Seventh Arc; Homecoming**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 45 - The Sound of Heartbreak

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**[Cue Music; Don't Stay, by Linkin Park]**

I needed to get out of there. NOW.

Before I do something...

No. Don't think about it. Just... Have to get away...

Moving, over the rooftops, through the streets, everything going red...

Why...

**WHY?!**

Why does it hurt so much...

I... I remember... Before I even came here. Such betrayal... It's never... It never hurt like this before... Why...

Why does it hurt so much...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Why... Why why why did she do this...

No... Not _just_ her... She didn't just trip and fall on...

...

..._Kakashi'_s dick...

...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I was sitting at home, sighing as I cracked open Icha Icha Tactics once more, pouring myself a drink as I went over things in my head once more...

Just why in the hell did I go and-

...

I felt it...

Not just a surge of chakra. No... It was a tidal wave of it, flooded with killing intent... Everyone in the village must've felt it...

_His_ chakra.

...This is not good on _so_ many levels...

I sighed again, downing the drink in my hand, setting it down as I sat back down on my bed, getting comfortable reading my book. He'd be here soon... Not like I could get very far with someone like him chasing after me... His chakra was already within thirty feet of my home...

Well, I'm screwed. At least she was a good lay...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Back to an ENRAGED Sasuke's point of view. Happy revengeance**

I found it... A flat, better than most Chuunin could afford, but relatively modest.

The door disintigrated when I kicked it in, stepping inside, searching for him... Where is he...

Right side. Doorway, there... Bedroom, sitting on the bed, calmly-

Reading. That son of a bitch.

I was there in an instant, his scrawny neck in one hand, slamming his entire body against the wall, probably leaving an imprint of his outline. That's all they'll find of him...

An indentation in the wall, and a bloody _smear._

***Pul-Chichichichichichichi!***

"...Did you really have to vaporize my door?" Kakashi asked, calm and snarky as ever... Even as he stared death in the face.

"Shut up. There is only one thing I want to hear from you..."

"I don't know." _What?!_

"What the fuck? How could you NOT know why you _fucked_ her?! What, you trying to say she tripped, fell on your dick?! I want to hear **WHY**!"

"...I honestly don't know. Every single day afterward, I asked myself why. I am fully aware that this would be the final outcome, no matter how things played out... And I don't entertain suicidal thoughts. I do not know."

Do not know... He does not know... WHAT THE FUCK.

Every scenario in my head... He came out with some stupid bullshit excuse, from Tsume becoming frigid to Anko chasing him, argh.

What the hell... Why? WHY?

...

...And now killing him wouldn't satisfy my anger... Wouldn't even dull this pain... Tch...

Would it?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

***Pult-TSCH!***

...

"...Why?" I asked, more thinking out loud, than asking a question. I was too relieved to much care, at this point...

"You were my sensei... I considered you a friend... For that reason... You yet live. Consider whatever debt I owed you, repaid. Consider whatever ties we once had, severed. Never speak to me again, or I will correct my mistake."

He ripped his arm out of my wall,(...That was going to be expensive to repair... The door, too) turned, and vanished...

That was...

I callapsed backwards, breathing a sigh of relief...

...Far too exciting for my tastes...

"I need a drink..."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I shunshined through the village, heading for the training fields on the outskirts...

I needed to work off some steam, before I wound up killing someone by _accident..._

Perhaps some physical pain would ease this vice around my heart... Perhaps the burn of lightning would end whatever is making my chest hurt so much...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**[Cue Music; With You, by Linkin Park]**

She was still sitting at the dining room table, sobbing, crying her eyes out...

It wasn't how much she hurt... Not the guilt eating at her...

...It was the look in Sasuke's eyes... The pain, betrayal, pure _hatred_ that burned in those normally cheerful, mischievous onyx orbs...

...He would never forgive... Never forget... And if he could, never return... That's the way he is...

Anko just remain there, unmoving, for what seemed like hours...

Kin ignored her, staying out of the room, not coming near... She held no sympathy for the purple-haired Jounin, and neither did the rest of the village...

But Anko was still shocked, when she felt a strong, warm arm wrap around her shoulders, and soothing words caress her ears...

"It will be alright, Anko-san... He is hurting, and does not wish to harm you... He left to avoid that temptation. Give him time... Given that, he may yet come around." She turned, her tear-soaked eyes taking in the kind smile of Itachi, the last person she would ever expect to hold any sympathy for her.

"...Thank you."

Instead of replying, he slowly rubbed her shoulders, humming that same wordless, calming melody Sasuke himself had, so long ago...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Some four hours later...**

**[Cue Music; Angel of Darkness, by Alex C with Yasmin K]**

She had fallen asleep, but when she woke, Itachi was gone... Anko got up and left, searching, feeling like she needed to see him... To make sure Sasuke hadn't gone and done something truly stupid...

It wasn't hard to find him. He was in the training fields, despite a massive storm being directly overhead...

When she got to the field she felt his chakra in, she saw him...

Training, hard. Over a hundred clones, she saw... All attacking him, going for lethal strikes, the man she loved fighting for his very life...

The way he moved... She rememebred him having a sort of grace, moving like a dancer, each and every attack flowing into the next. Now... It was brutal, efficient, and seemed far more primal in nature...

His body was covered in cuts, burns, scatches and scrapes, the ground under his feet soaked with blood...

He was... He was risking his life, fighting without regard to injury...

It was... Disturbing. She wanted to go to him, tell him to stop before he hurt himself... But he was...

Smiling... Grinning like a madman, completely, utterly focused on nothing but how to swing his blade...

After some time of this, more and more clones being destroyed in the chaos, he lost his sword. He stood unarmed, facing down at least twenty clones...

But he brought his hands together, and summoned another two _hundred._

"No... He's..." Anko whispered, tears forming... He wasn't just going to train until he was exhausted. He was going to keep going until he died...

But he didn't bother rerieving his weapon, nor telling the clones to hold back. He brought his hands together again, and lighting flashed, cracking the sky...

***THA-BOOMSH!***

As thunder rolled, she saw it...

Lighting came down, striking Sasuke!

...

No... It didn't touch him... It was drawn to him, frozen in midair, before it moved, flowing with his movements...

He wasn't just using the lightning... He was actively controlling it...

Within moments, nearly every clone was dispelled, destroyed by whatever technique he was using, before he went through another routine, controlling the bolt of lighting as though it were apart of him, flowing like an extension of his body, before it ended with him facing her, that bolt shooting out, arc'ing-

...Straight at her...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Back to Sasuke's point of view**

**[Cue Music; New Divide, by Linkin Park]**

I was training... My entire body now hurting, but nowhere near as much as my heart. Rrgh... But why...

...No... I simply wasn't training hard enough. Taijutsu against clones isn't enough...

I tossed my weapon aside, summoning as many clones as I could...

Brining my hands together, I surged my chakra, breathing in, breathing out...

Focus... Draw out my lightning nature, and draw out the static electricty from the air around me...

Focus it, condense it, and shape it...

Move it...

Bring it down to me, into my workspace...

***THA-BOOMSH!***

...Down it came, within inches of me and the ground, as I expanded my chakra to encase the lightning, feeling it as the pure, unregulated energy flowed through me...

I felt like unto a _**GOD.**_

This... This is my ultimate technique... Not only bringing lightning down, but actively controlling it...

Using it as a weapon... Not just a projectile. Faster than any blade, with a better reach, and the ability to strike anything within my field of vision. This is the power of a master of the lightning element.

"Die..." I swept the bolt across the legion of cloens, dispersing more than half of them, as the rest swarmed me...

Strike, one...

Two...

Three...

Four...

Left, right, turn, backlash... Counter, wrap myself in the energy, deflecting the enemy strike...

Lash out, expanding it, swinging it like a whip, in a full circle...

Not enough...

Harder...

Faster...

Better...

_Stronger_...

There!

I finished the entire routine, turning, forcing the lightning forward, releasing my hold on it, sending the entire bolt towards my last enemy...

...

That's...!

Anko...

She was just... Standing there, watching, eyes wide, not comprehending...

She deserves it...

Dodge...

Move... Don't just sit there...

DO YOU WANT TO DIE?!

...I didn't make a choice...

I didn't move of my own will...

My body moved of its own accord, faster than ever before...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

She stood there, unable to move...

She couldn't get her legs to respond... She couldn't get out of the way... It was coming... She was going to die, here and now...

But Sasuke vanished...

Reappearing in front of her, his back mere inches from her face, intercepting the lightning, seemign to catch it in his hands, his entire body twitching, as a shudder ran down his spine...

He... He had...

"S-Sasuke..." She reached out...

"_Don't touch me._" His voice was full of venom... Anko flinched, stepping back...

"Are you trying to kill yourself?" A new voice rang out from behind them, as Anko turned, and saw Naruto, leaning against a tree, a fierce scowl set in his features.

"Hn. Don't care." Sasuke replied, unmoving.

"Hmph. And you," The blonde turned his out-of-character glare onto her... "Get out of here. You've done more than enough for one day."

She flinched, unused to seeing the happy-go-lucky Naruto angry... Especially at her...

'_Great... Even Naruto hates my guts..._' She thought, not blaming him... She felt more than a little self-loathing right about now.

Anko turned, walking away in silence, refusing to let Naruto see how much she hurt...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**[Cue Music; Across the Line, by Linkin Park]**

"...Are you really that stupid? You could've killed yourself!" Naruto shouted, marching up to his friend.

"Don't. Care." Sasuke was still feeling stiff, having had to absorb too much of the electricy when he stopped the lightning... He hadn't spread it out evenly enough to prevent damage to his body.

"AGH! Forget it, come on, before you bleed out." Naruto grabbed his partner's arm, dragging him away from the field to the hospital, running into Sakura and dragging her into a private room to have the Uchiha treated.

"Oh my... Oh my Kami! What the hell did you do?!" She was abhorred, staring in shock at the scars and burns covering her teammate's body, frantically going through handseals.

"Tch... He did that to himself. Idiot." Naruto growled, still scowling.

"Hn." Sasuke merely grunted, paying no mind to either of them.

"What, you turning back into the emo duckbutt asshole you were back in the academy?" Naruto grumbled, as Sakura worked.

"Fuck off."

"SHUT UP! Both of you!" Sakura shouted at them, before saying, "Damnit... Your- Your entire nervous system has been halfway fried... How in the fuck did you walk here?!"

Sasuke shrugged, his expression completely blank, eyes looking empty...

...It unnerved the pink-haired girl... More than she could ever imagine, it bothered her.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Two days later...**

It was early morning, and Tsunade had just entered her office, yawning. She had barely sat down, when,

"Tsunade."

"GAH!" She jumped, nearly falling out of her chair again.

"STOP DOING THAT!" She screamed, growling to herself. Sasuke was standing there, looking...

Happy. What the fuck? He was smirking as usual, but...

His bandana covered his eyes. How was he walking around...? She ignored that, answering, "What?"

"I want to join the Anbu."

...

He _looked _like he was back to normal... But he hid his eyes. One can falsify their expression, but never the look in their eyes...

"Why?"

"Truthfully? So I won't have to interact with people." Aha. Namely, Anko.

"...Only Chuunin or higher-ranked shinobi may join the Anbu black ops."

He tilted his head. "Hey, you heard Kakashi's report on our abilities. Plus, you know Naruto and I trained with Jiraiya. We're both more than worthy of being Chuunin."

Tsunade quirked an eyebrow. "But YOU have been stressed out as of late. Not to mention assaulting your sensei, nearly killing him. ...Though I won't hold that against you, since you left him unharmed." _'...And I know WHY the did that...' _

She mentally finished, not wanting to vocally bring up the subject. Not yet... Especially when she was uncertain of his mental state.

"So no. I will not be promoting you based solely on your combat ability." ...There was the slightest twinge that ran through his body... but he hid it will, and kept his body relaxed... He was very, very good at hiding his emotions, but not quite good enough to decieve Tsunade.

"However... The next Chuunin exams are coming up, within the week... They are being held in Iwagakure, with some of our own shinobi filling in as proctors. As Genin, both you and Naruto are eligible to participate."

...

"...Tsunade, you're just doing that to get me out of your hair for awhile, aren't you?" He asked, a wry smirk on his face.

"Oh? Whatever gave you that idea? Anyway, if you impress me, I'll promote you both to Chuunin, and you'll be recruited into the Anbu. Happy?"

He nodded, his expression thoughtful.. "I suppose you're also doing this to give me some time apart from... Her. Thank you for that." He bowed, and vanished...

Tsunade sighed, thinking, '_I'm really going to have to ask him how he and Naruto do that..._'

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Sasuke reappeared at his home, entering silently...

"Hello, _otouto-_kun_._"(SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT ALREADY!)

Sasuke turned, frowning slightly. "Brother. Huh... Why am I not surprised that you can hear me..."

Itachi shrugged, folding the paper he'd been reading. "You had to have acquired your habits and tendencies from _somewhere,_ Sasuke. And the false smile you wear won't fool me."

"Hn." Sasuke grunted, rummaging around in the cabinets for a bottle of sake.

"...I know I should not berate you on your habits, but alcohol will not help." Itachi's frown deepened, and he looked on in vain, as his little brother began drinking straight out of the bottle.

"It numbs the pain. That's worth a headache later."

The older Uchiha sighed, and said, "Would you like you hear some good news, then?"

Sasuke shrugged. "Shoot. Gotta be better to hear if someone else at least is having some good luck."

"I met a wonderous person, yesterday..." Itachi smiled warmly, remembering her...

Duckbutt blinked. "Huh. That explains why you were smiling like a lovestruck idiot all last night."

Itachi frowned. "I was not."

Rolling his eyes, Sasuke sniped, "You _were._ I recognise the look 'cuz I see Naruto sporting it every morning after he wakes up next to Hinata. Here's to you," Sauske raised his bottle, toasting his brother. "In the hopes that you have better luck in love than I did." He tipped the glass container back, draining it...

Itachi frowned, sighing to himself. '_Sasuke... If only you could realise just why it hurts... Then things might make sense. I wish I could help you... But matters of the heart must be found, not gifted. You are strong... You can overcome our family's curse._'

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**One hundred followers? SWEET! Thank you all!**_

_**You needn't worry, my naysayers; angst is being kept to a minimum. I'm no good at it, anyway. Wangst is NOT my thing, so it will not last. If nothing else, he will remain the badass deadpan snarker in public, keeping his emo thoughts to himself.**_

_**And by the way... He IS an Emo Teen. He's Sasuke Uchiha, remember? Emo Wangster extraordinair!**_

_**Anyway...**_

_**Back to business, motherfuckers.**_


	46. Chapter 46 Departure and Arrival

**Naruto; What If**

**Eighth Arc; Turmoil**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 46 - Departure and Arrival

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Packing was easy, seeing as I carried everything I needed... I'd outgrown my armor, and no longer needed it, truth be told. My reflexes and speed made it redundant, anyway. Not like there are many who could even hit me nowadays... And that's aside from my chakra repulsing technique.(Kinda like the Hyuuga's Kaiten, which I fully reverse-engineered. Not to mention, I taught Naruto how to use it, just in case)

My blade was the same as ever, though the finish had long since worn off, and it was covered in dings, dents and scratches. It looked the part of a battle-hardened weapon, now... I'd already spoken with Io about a replacement, as well as new armaments. Hopefully he'll have something for me when I return from Iwa.

Moving along...

Packing was the easy part. Leaving... That was a bitch. Anko ambushed me on my way out the door.

I... Couldn't stand to look at her. Just knowing she was there tripled the pain in my chest, and yet...

I could feel it... She was hurting just as bad. For some reason... Knowing that hurt even more than my heart.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I didn't even glance at her as I brushed past, carefully making sure my expression was calm as ever. I hadn't seen Itachi since last night, so he's off to Kami-knows-where. Hopefully he'll stay out of trouble, 'cuz Imma be pissed if I gotta knock even more heads when I get back.

Naruto was meeting me at the gate, and he was just as excited as he was during our first Chuunin Exams. Eugh, he needs to loan out some of his enthusiasm...

Shunshining to the gate, I found Naruto standing there, Hinata in his arms, locked in a passionate embrace/liplock.

...It... Pained me, for some reason. Even I couldn't tell you why, but it did.

Pulling my bandana over my eyes, I meandered over. "Oy, oy, save that for the bedroom, you two."

They broke apart rather abruptly, looking awkward, I'd wager. "Oh, uh, yeah, right."

...

"...Nevermind. You ready to get going, Naruto?" He was staring at me, I could tell.

...I heard Hinata whisper something to him, but I didn't quite catch it.

"Yeah, I'm ready. But we've gotta wait for the Gennin squad coming with us."

...?

I blinked, but they couldn't see it. "...Gennin squad...? Don't tell me we're babysitting this time..." I heard cloth ruffling... He shrugged, at a guess.

"We're stuck with 'em. Tsunade didn't tell you?"

"...No, she neglected to tell me about that. Uh, is their sensei tagging along?"

"Don't think so." Huh.

"Great. And we're not even getting paid for it, either... Think it's Konohamaro and his lot?" More clothes ruffling. He shook his head, guessing from the frequency.

"No, I asked. She just said it was a group reccommended by their sensei, two years younger than us."

Hinata chimed in with, "I think it was Tomo's squad... He had a, ah, accident recently." ...She was trying not to giggle, so I'm assuming it was something stupid and/or humiliating.

"An accident, huh?"

"Yes... He was admitted to the hospital with severe testicular brusing, dehydration, as well as a partially fractured pelvis. The incident involved a bathhouse full of kunoichi, a bake sale with free samples of cinnamon buns, and a conveniently-dropped banana peel, or so the story goes." I blinked again.

"...Well, there's another story for one of Jiraiya's dirty books."

"That's what I said!" Naruto cheered, cackling.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Some forty minutes of small talk later, I heard footsteps...

Loud, confident, rambunctious, Gennin-style footsteps.

Turning, I pulsed my chakra outward, sensing all around me...

Three of them, laughing it up, joking, smiling. Chakra signatures...

Hmm...

One of them was a Hyuuga, he was joking and grinning. Kinda reminded me of myself... Remarkably strong chakra network, even for a Hyuuga. He walked like Naruto; confident, ready for anything life could throw at him.

The next was female, unknown clan origin, and yet... He chakra signature was massive. Like, Naruto-levels. Nothing compared to a Jounin, but easily on-par with High-Chuunin. Interesting... From the way she quietly clanked, she had several weapons on her person.

The last one... He was a Nara, definately. Never said a word, and his footsteps were nearly silent. His chakra signature was almost impossible to detect, as well... Either he had little more than a civillian...

...Or he was actively masking it. Not an easy feat to maintain, believe you me. Naruto and I trained for over a month trying to replicate that. But, I digress.

Once they were within actual earshot,(I have very good hearing) Naruto called, "HEY!"

...Almost instantly, the three of them hurried over, oo'ing and ahh'ing.

"Hey, Hinata-neesan!" One of the two boys called, the one I assumed was the Hyuuga.

"Hello, Hiro-kun. It's good to see you again. You're going to take the Chuunin exams in Iwa?" Hinata replied. Huh. Either Hiashi had another kid, or it's one of her cousins from the branch families.

"Yep! S'too bad Tomo-sensei can't come, too. Heheh, but I guess he still needs to recover."

"Heheh, I'll say. Knowing him, he'll be in a coma for the next month." A new voice, a young female, answered. The girl?

"Probably. You're still a Genin, Naruto? I would'a thought Tsunade-sama would promote you after being trained by one of the Sannin." The Hyuuga spoke again, addressing my partner.

"Nah, she said she can't promote me based solely on fighting ability." Naruto shrugged again.

"Wow. Shocking."

The girl spoke up once more. "Yeah. So who's the cute guy, Naruto? Not another mime like Hiroku, I hope."

"Aw, c'mon, Mana-chan. Mime or not, he's cool. Right, buddy?" Hiro responded, nudging one of his friends.

"I'm only teasing." My guess? The girl's rolling her eyes. And...

Mana? Really? Whatever...

"Heheh, what, I'm not cute?" I can just see it... Naruto's faking a pout, which was kinda ruined by Hinata rubbing up against him.

"_I_ think you're cute, Naruto-kun."

"D'aww, Hinata-chan..."

...They were necking again, weren't they...

"Oy, oy, no free porn shows in front of the impressionale kiddies." I remarked, rolling my eyes, even if the effort was wasted.

"Yeah, yeah, Sasuke..." Naruto chortled, shaking his head with a grin, I think.

"...Sasuke...? Wait... Sasuke UCHIHA?!" Hiro shouted, incredulious.

"...Yeah, s'my name. Don't wear it out."

"Hmm... He's cute. Welp, too bad, Hiro-kun. Hey, Sasuke! You like younger girls, right?"

...

Did I just get propositioned by jailbait? I was still comprehending that when Naruto answered for me.

"Sorry, Mana-chan. Sasuke has a thing for older women. Right, buddy?" He nudged me in the side, egging me on.

"...Don't push it, blondie. You make one joke involving Tsunade or Tsume and I'll flay you." I half-threatened, starting to get just a wee bit irritated.

"That's fine, 'cuz I was gonna say Kurenai-sensei still has a thing for you." Hinata giggled at Naruto's comment.

...Just as I deadpanned, "Well, she had to get pregnant _somehow..._"

Cue both Naruto and Hinata busting out laughing, especially the Hyuuga girl. She knew about Kurenai's pregnancy, after all.

...That was funny, I don't care who you are.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, we set out, Hinata waving us off.

It was me, Naruto, and three Gennin, on our way to Iwagakure.

...

The Gennin were as follows...

Mana, the kunoichi; she carried a sword, was a kenjutsu specialist, with a minor in ninjutsu, particularly earth and wind. She had the best physical capabilities of the three. A bit of a flirt, she's got a thing for Hiro, at a guess. Despite her exterior, she's fairly intelligent, and very observant.

Hiro, a Hyuuga, was basically the leader of the trio. Loud, confident, and skilled. He was very good with his family's taijutsu, and constantly pushed the boundaries, trying to come up with new techniques. He wasn't as fast or strong as Mana, but he was far more skilled in close-quarters. Not to mention his dojutsu.

And finally, Hiroku. His name sounds familiar for some reason... Kinda funny how he has a similar name to Hiro, too. Anyway. This kid's a Nara, and basically a mime. He never speaks, and constantly communicates with handsigns. He's real smart, and makes me think of a mix of Shino and Shikamaru. Not quite as lazy, though. He's good with genjutsu, and the weakest of the three, physically speaking. Not that he's any less of a threat, with his intellect.

Hmm...

Not as well-balanced as our squad was, but they're pretty good.

Anyway, we walked on, Naruto and I leading, with those three trailing behind us.

"So, whattaya think of those three?" My blonde companion quietly asked.

"Hn," I grunted in response.

"A thorough analysis." I chuckled at that.

"Heh, good one. They're kinda like we were, back then... Hiro's like a combination of you and myself tossed together, while the mime's like a toss-up of Shino and Shikamaru. Least they don't have a Sakura dragging them down."

"Hey, she wasn't that bad..." He defended, pouting, I think.

"...I can count on one hand the number of times she was useful before Tsunade taught her medical jutsu."

"That's beside the point." He deflected. Definately pouting.

"...Right. So, how long will this trip take, given that we're moving at the kiddies' pace?"

He shrugged. "Oh... 'Bout four, five days. Unless you wanna carry 'em, that is."

"Hn. S'up to you. Doesn't matter to me." So long as we stay out of the village... I could care less.

"...Let's take the scenic route. Maybe teach the three of them something useful while we walk?"

I shrugged. "Hn."(Translation; Yeah, good way to pass the time)

"...Is that the traditional response of all Uchiha, or something?"

"Hn."(Translation; Probably)

"Hey! What're you two chatting about?"

Naruto and I both turned to glance at the boy who'd spoken, who was currently doing the Naruto-walk.(Hands behind his head, walking confidently straight forward, slightly leaning backwards)

"Oh, nothing of consequence... How far along are you three in your training?"

Hiro and Mana exchanged a glance, before doing the same with Hiroku.

...

"...Not as far as we'd like. Tomo-sensei hasn't taught us very much." He eventually replied, just as Naruto and I looked at each other.(Well, I turned my head so it looked like I was looking at him. Bandana, remember?)

"...How would you three like to learn a really cool technique?"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Welly, well well welp. What a great big surprise... The three of them had barely gotten down water-walking. Lovely.

I sighed, as Naruto gave me a sympathetic look.(I think...)

"Right... Well, brats, what I'm about to teach you is the technique that got Naruto and I to where we are today; it has no name, but it is one of the most useful things we've ever learned. You all know how to build up chakra into a specific part of your bodies, right?"

Nods from all three, judging from the rustle of cloth.

"Well... Essentially, build up as much as you can in one hand, to the point of pain. Once you've done that, force that chakra to move up your arm, and through your entire body. This is a training exercise that increases chakra control and reserves. Do it whenever you're awake, and within a month, you'll be a head above any of the other Genin in terms of physical ability."

Naruto picked up where I left off. "It's easier than it sounds. Took me a couple of weeks to get it down, but by then I was able to outmatch Neji in taijutsu. Once you've gotten the first part down, and you're able to keep the chakra flowing easily, build up even more while you cycle the rest to maximize the flow, and then move it as fast as you can. Believe it or not, keeping that up will make you stronger, tougher, and faster than you'd think possible, if you can keep it up."

I filled in the minor blanks we'd left. "The more chakra you use, and the faster the circulation, the greater the force your muscles will be able to extert and endure. Six months' of constant use will put your physical abilities close to your sensei's, for a limited time. The reason it's such a dangerous technique is because your opponents will underestimate your ability; use that advantage. Now... As with all things, there are drawbacks. Since your muscles aren't developed for such abuse, you're likely to tear them if you aren't careful. Not to mention... It's mentally exhausting. And if you stop the flow, your chakra network will slow down to recover, and your body may shut down entirely."

Naruto finished up the entire spiel. "You guys got all that?"

...

We turned to observe our charges.(Naruto observed, I just did it to creep them out)

"...You lost me right after saying it let you beat Neji-niisan." Hiro snarked, and Mana chirped,

"I... Think I got it. Kinda. Sorta."

"..."

...? No idea what the mime kid did or signed, but his teammates gave a start.

"Ohhhh... So that's what they meant. Thanks, Hiroku."

...? Wierd.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

The rest of our trip was... Eventful.

Naruto and I told stories of our time under Jiraiya's tutelage, as well as funny stories of our days as kiddies such as those three. Such as the time someone(Kiba) slipped Lee a sake bottle laced with viagra, which the Green Beast thought was water.

...That was... Both hilarious and a little sad, truth be told. Still. I think he impressed several kunoichi that day, seing as he was wearing his traditional spandex.

...Never again did I hear Sakura saying he was too wierd for her to date, oddly enough. Nor did Ino make any more comments about the bowl-headed taijutsu specialist. And afterwards, Guy crowed about being oh-so-proud of his mini-me.

We even recounted our time saving the princess of Yuki no Kuni, where Naruto once again mentioned his vague longing for a princess of his own.

...I sarcastically pointed out that Hinata is the princess of the Hyuuga. Which scored some points with Hiro, I think. After that, I also sighed and said, and I quote,

"But I don't think she's very fit to be a princess anymore... Not after the way she's conspired with a certain mushroom-shaped monster. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you, Naruto?"

...The _look_ on his beet-red face was just priceless.(I think) Even as both Hiro and Mana busted out laughing at his embarassment,(Hiroku blushed, but he was smiling) the blonde attempted to take a swipe at me as I cackled, crowing, "Beware! Beware of the three-legged blonde monster! He entices princesses, turning them into nymphomaniacs with his meaty mushroom-sword!"

It's pretty accurate to say we fairly corrupted those impressionable brats.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

It took three days of walking.(And ONE of them was running, but I got bored, so sue me)

Then, we arrived in Iwa...

It was more militarized than Konoha, but that's to be expected. As we walked through the gates, picking up our visitors' passes as we did so, we found something odd.

The date of the Chuunin exam was posted on posters(Obviously) all around the place; tomorrow. Hm.

"Let's go register and get it over with, then set up our rooms at the inn, after that we'll grab a bite to eat. Sound good?" Naruto suggested, which was unanimously agreed upon.

We searched around a fair bit, but we found Iwa's equivalent of the Academy, and entered. To the right of the main reception area, was a seperate desk with a short line of shinobi in front of it, a large sign designating it as the registration for the Chuunin Exams. We took our places at the end, and waited our turn...

Took only fifteen minutes, then we were up. We gave our names, affiliation, information, and squads. Since Naruto and I were a squad of only two, we had to jump through some extra hoops, and explain that our third teammate was already made Chuunin. Also, since both our and the younger Genin's Jounin-senseis were busy, we had to explain that we were filling in for that role, as well.

Really, the entire thing was a pain in the ass.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Some twenty minutes spent filling out all the paperwork and getting everything straight later, we left the building and wandered around a bit more, searching for the local inn.

It was... Well, nothing wrong with it per se, but, ah...

Well.

Long story short? It was a Love Hotel. Y'know, the kinda place you go to spend a night of lovin' and fuckin' away from home, where no one will hear you scream.

...Why in the HELL they had this in Iwa, I'll never know...

But it was slightly cheaper than the other inn per night, and it had double-bed rooms. Round beds with mirrors hanging above them or not, there were two in there. Plus they were comfy, with those lovely heart-shaped pillows. So, that was two rooms to cover both squads, which, of course, **I **wound up having to pay for.

...Goddamnit.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Alrighty then, done and over with. We left our packs in the rooms,(Along with a pair of shadow clones with duct tape, rubber gloves, glue, and feathers. Don't ask what they had in mind) and headed out, looking for a place to grab some grub.

After searching around for a bit, we found a rinkidink little pub, which we went in and found some seats. Nice little place, occupied by few, but it had a nice, homely atmosphere...

Only a few people in attendance, including a rather short, moustached gentleman dining with a contrastingly tall one, who had a large sword on his back. Each had a glass of klava before him, as they dined on the house specialty, a multi-course meal of several fine delicacies. I... Think one of them said his name was Vlad.

Huh. Wierd.(That was a book refrence. If you can figure out which book, you win a prize. Hell, if you can even guess which series, I'll give it to ya!)

Anyway, we squeezed into a booth, ordering our food and drinks. The wait was annoying, but they soon brought out my bottle of brandy, making the entire thing that much more tolerable.

...Even if Naruto gave me a dirty look when I got it.

It was pretty good, that brandy.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**One hundred followers? SWEET! Thank you all!**_

_**...Now quit following me, I got enough bloody stalkers as is. Seriously, it's creepy. Speaking of which, this bitch is hiding so far in my closet she's hit fuckin' Narnia. Agh, lemme go get the broom...**_


	47. Chapter 47 The Chuunin Exams Again

**Naruto; What If**

**Eighth Arc; Turmoil**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 47 - The Chuunin Exams... Again.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

The rest of that night passed quickly, and I spent the majority of it enjoying the embrace of that bottle, waiting out the night on the roof of the inn... The moonlight and my blade as my only company.

When morning finally came, I got to my feet, casting aside the empty bottle and heading back to our rooms, waking my sleeping companions. Naruto was already up, and the three Genin were awake within ten minutes. We gathered up our gear and left, heading for the building designated as the point for the Chuunin Exams...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

It was nostalgic... We entered, submitted our paperwork, and were escorted to a large room packed full of shinobi from all corners of the Five Nations, all of them looking a leetle twitchy...

**[Cue Music; Bulletproof, by 12 Stones, Beneath the Scars]**

...Of course, being the two headstrong badasses that we were, we decided to make an entrance. Just before the Iwa Chuunin could open the doors, we brushed past him, joking and laughing it up as we kicked the doors wide open, waltzing inside with confident smirks and long strides, unfazed by the few hundred glares thrown our way. Just as some of the nearest ones there snorted and made a snide comment,

"*_Kshrr...*_Heh, well looky here... Guess the little bitches finally worked up the balls to try the Chuunin Exams again. What happened to your flat-chested whore...? *_Kshrr...* _She finally get herself killed?" The guy's scratchy voice was grating on my last nerve... Some punk from Amegakure, one who wore one of those wierd rebreathers and-

...And those gay beige jumpsuits. Wait...

...

It was those three idiots from the first Chuunin Exam... The ones who tried that half-assed Genjutsu...

...Ohhhh... those were Ame-nins, not Iwa. Whoops, didn't look at their headbands.

In response, Naruto quirked an eyebrow, whereas I rolled my eyes behind my bandana.

But instead of speaking...

Naruto turned to look at me, and I returned the gesture. Then we both surged our chakra to the max, practically flooding the entire room with exceptionally potent chakra laced with killing intent.

"_Sakura,_ was already made Chuunin... But seeing as my partner and I have spent the last two years hunting down Akatsuki, we haven't had time to waste on trivial pursuits, unlike you three idiots. And you're STILL Genin? And you really shouldn't talk, seeing as you're here taking the exam AGAIN." Naruto spoke, his voice calm, but with inflection behind it. Everyone in the entire room felt every word, as though he'd come up and cockslapped them for each one.(Y'know, *Zzzip, whap-whap-whap-whap-whap!* Now lick it, bitch!)

I goaded them even further, adding to the fear-factor and badass rating. "And unlike you and every other limp-dick fuckup in this room, we are fuck-mothering shinobi who've killed dozens of Jounin that could slaughter the entire lot of you in an eyeblink, so I suggest you piss off and provoke someone who'd leave a corpse your mothers could recognise."

...I think we left a lasting impression.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

The three Genin we'd gotten stuck babysitting had creeped into the room unnoticed, seeing as Naruto and I were hogging the limelight. After we'd finished dicking around, about a half hour later there was a commotion in the back of the room, with several Jounin shinobi of various villages appearing in a puff of smoke. Shikamaru was among them, as was Temari. Strange...

The central ninja of the entire entourage, was Kitsuchi, a High-Jounin of Iwa. He began, explaining the test.

"Genin, listen up! Welcome to the Chuunin Exams. The first test you must undergo, is to find traitors within your own ranks. In order to pass, each squad must find one traitor per individual. You have five minutes. Begin!"

The dozen Jounin disappeared from view, leaving the two hundred and eighty-some Genin standing around with their thumbs up their collective ass. Lovely...

I turned to Naruto, giving him a questioning look.

"Uh... Is this a joke, or something?" He shrugged, replying,

"Dunno. Guess we're looking for people who aren't Genin... Wonder if that makes us prime suspects?"

I sighed, pulling my bandana into place, slowly opening my eyes, casting a baleful gaze upon the group of shinobi...

Each team was quietly conversing, tossing suspicious glances towards enemy squads, with quite a few in our direction.

"I see no less than sixty Chuunin-strength shinobi using mid-level illusions to disguise themselves as Genin. There are likely more hidden amongst the crowd... How do you want to handle this?"

I glanced at my partner, as he frowned thoughtfully. "One for each person to pass... And he suggested we pass or fail as a team. Four minutes left, by the way. Let's get this over with quick."

I nodded, summoning a shadow clone. Said clone moved towards our Genin comrades, informing them of the test.

"Alright... Ten O'clock, guy mingling around the Cloud ninjas, the one with two packs and a dark-brown kunai holster, with light red hair."

Naruto nodded. "Got it." And he moved, walking quickly, with a purpose.

I turned, scanning for targets...

There, straight ahead. Ah...

She saw me staring, and she's on the move. Hiding amongst the crowd...

Too bad for her that I'm pretty good at tracking my prey...

Move quickly, with intent, but relaxed... Do not slow, do not allow yourself to be distracted. Those who are in your way, are distractions. Move them. Never lose sight of your quarry.

Twenty feet... She's sidling up to a bulky guy from Kiri.

Ten feet. She rubbed up against him, irritating the guy, before quickly stepping out of his field of vision...

Five feet. The girl nudged him in the side, hard, making him turn around with a snarl, intent on pummeling whoever was-

Aha.

He stalked towards me, seeing as the vixen had moved behind him just as I got within range. Hmph.

"You wanna die, punk?!"

Tch...

I effortlessly shoved him out fo my way, flaring my chakra as I dashed forward, grabbing the girl by her hair.

"Gotcha, traitor." I spun her around, and she bit her lip as my sharingan bored into her eyes...

After a moment, her henge dispelled, revealing a woman in her early twenties, with mid-length brown hair, wearing the standard shinobi outfit of Iwa.

"Alright, you got me, leggo of my hair!"

I released the kunoichi, as she pulled a card from her pocket, handing it to me.

...

It said 'Pass' on it, that's it. Huh.

Anyway, the Iwa Chuunin turned and marched out of the room, grumbling about her hair.

Meh.

Turning around, I practically walked into Naruto, as he had an unconscience Iwa-nin slung over his shoulder, and a pass card in his hand.

"Yo, I got him."

"...Nice."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

The remaining three minutes passed, before those Jounin appeared before us again, announcing the end of the first test. After that, they herded everyone without a passcard out of the room, leaving some hundred and forty Genin, including Naruto and I, along with the three dorks.(Mana, Hiro, and Hiroku, in case you forgot)

After that, they lead us out a different door, down a long hall, and outside...

Then down a short road, to a rather vacant area... It had a massive fence, with Kitsuchi standing in front of the gate.

"As you all know, there is more to being a shinobi than intelligence and strength. For the next ten days, you will have but three goals; reach the opposite side of this valley, retrieve the enemy intelligence with whatever means you possess. Then you must hold onto it until the tenth day is up, before you return here. The only other objective... Is to _survive!_ A ninja must be able to fend for himself in enemy territory, complete their mission, and return to their village, all while evading enemy patrols. The area you see before you, is the most dangerous training field in all the elemental nations; Death Valley, aptly named for both the enviornmental hazards, and for the creatures that call this place home. While Konoha may consider their Forest of Death to be the deadliest training field in existence... Every Iwa ninja to survive ten days in here will beg to differ."

...Huh. Iwa's version of the survival test. So all we have to do is go in, retrieve our macguffin, wait out the ten days, and then come back here. All while we're trying not to get ourselves killed, avoid the native animals, and kill off any enemy ninjas that come after our package.

Simplicity defined.

...Lovely.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After being processed and dumped just inside, we were told by a Chuunin to wait for the signal.

...

Some time later, the fucker blew an airhorn in our ears.

After casually backhanding the smartalec into the ground, I looked at Naruto.

"Bunny hop?"

He nodded. "Bunny hop."

We gave a few brief stretches, shook out the tension in our muscles, and crouched low, tensing our muscles...

"Ready?"

"Last one there has to kiss Neji!" The blonde shouted, bounding a good three hundred feet in the air...

"EUGH! Disgusting, man!" I shouted with a grin, flaring my chakra as I gave a great leap...

Flying over a hundred metres high.

Focus the chakra...

And kicked off a makeshift chakra platform, skyrocketing myself straight towards our target destination...

...

Well, I flew maybe four hundred metres before I flipped, shunshining myself up again, and repeating the kickoff.

We nicknamed this method of travel 'Bunny-hopping' Because it looks... Well, like a bunny hop. It's not quite flying, but rather consecutive high-speed midair shunshins. We can fly a good half-kilometre per kickoff, before needing to regain altitude and kickoff again. It looks like we simply vanish to others, but to us, this was our version of playing tag.

After a few minutes of bunny-hopping, I spotted our target destination...

Heheh. Naruto may THINK he's gonna win, but oh, no...

I took a breath...

And focused more chakra into my legs, aiming myself straight for the target. It was a stone table, with several stone objects on it. Kick, once... Twice...

Three times... Four... Five.

I was FLYING. And boy do I mean flying. Mach 2, I'd bet. Really, really really freaking fast, man.

Now, the problem with this...

Is that I'm heading straight for the ground. Hard, stony, solid rock.

After a quick midair flip and chakra focus, I impacted the ground not ten feet form said table...

***BA-BOOOMSHCKA!***

...Creating a good-sized crater. After a quick hop-skip-trip, I was leaning against the table, one of the stone... Well, jugs in my hand as I tosed it up and down, waiting...

Naruto landed not two seconds later.

"Tut, tut, you're gonna have a lot of explaining to do to Tenten..." I mocked, grinning.

"Hey! You cheated!" He accused, comically pointing an accusing finger at me.(Kinda self-explanatory, ya?)

"Did I? I hadn't noticed, as I was too distracted by the image of you kissing Neji. Full on the lips. With enough tongue to taste his breakfast." I beamed, smiling fondly.

...

Oh, he was pissed.

Grumbling, he followed along as we started off, walking along away from the table, intent on setting down and preparing for the next ten days.

For some reason, I was in much better spirits now than I had been for the last three days.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Back in the Leaf Village, Konoha General Hospital...**

After checking that no one was around, Itachi Uchiha let rip a massive yawn, blinking tiredly as he looked to the clock hanging on the wall. Only two minutes had passed since he'd last checked it.

With an inaudible sigh, he readjusted himself on the bed, anxiously awaiting the return of the first woman to ever make his heart race. He was sitting in a room of the hospital, trying not to fidget, and failing miserably. He sarcastically thought to himself, '_I wonder what Otouto-kun would think of me now, were he to see me like this... All I am missing is a sign around my neck that reads "Pathetic." _'

After suppressing a chuckle, '_No,_' he thought, _'Lovestruck idiot would be far more fitting... Ah... I wonder what Kakashi-san and Tenzo-san would say..._'

Thinking back on his interactions with the two during his days in Anbu, he could come up with only one conclusion.

_' "You've got it bad," Tenzo would say. Heh, "you need to get laid," is exactly what Kakashi-san would say... But it seems he, too, has changed... Ah... That is the nature of people, I suppose...'_

Just then, he heard footsteps outside the door of the room, and Itachi schooled his features back to calm neutrality... Just as he did so, the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen walked through the door, wearing the white hospital gown of a nurse.

Ah... She was of average height, with short, dark hair... Ash-grey highlights drew the eye to her face, a visage of pure beauty. Gorgeous multi-colored eyes were one of her most striking features... With a gentle, caring gaze that Itachi would find himself longingly staring into, until he lost track of time and found himself walking into things.

...Or people.

It took a monumental effort to keep himself from smiling; a first for the stone-cold Itachi. Even Konan's dark beauty paled before the woman in front of him... Her bosom is ample, and while not nearly the size of Tsunade-dono's, it complimented a figure that even Anko-san couldn't compare with...

Thinking to himself, '_Heh... I really do have it bad... As Sasuke-kun would say, my inner poet Is as perverted as Jiraiya-san,_' Itachi nearly missed it when she said his name, the movements of her luscious lips taking up every ounce of his attention...

"Itachi-san..."

He blinked, noticing his own smile. Damn. He had failed miserably, indeed. "Yes, Tiri-san?" At the very least, his voice had not wavered.

He expected her to berate him for staring, but she instead smiled, teasing him; "You've been staring at me for the past minute with that lovesick smile. You're not having dirty thoughts about me, are you?"

'_Yes, I am,_' He thought. '_Indeed, I am... Will you punish me, Tiri-dono?_' ...Itachi quickly banished that afterthought, cursing his inner pervert and idly wishing he was more tactful when it came to this sort of thing.

"Of course not, Tiri-san. My apologies," He said, thankful for his ability to say one thing sincerely, while thinking something entirely different.

"Oh...?" She responded, quirking an eyebrow, her voice taking on a particularly sulty tone. "Then what's that, I see down there?" Tiri asked, with a pointed gaze at the crotch of Itachi's trousers.

With a sudden sinking feeling his his gut, thinking he'd been betrayed by his own body, Itachi quickly looked down, shifting himself on the bed, when he realised three things.

One; he did not, in fact, have an erection.

Two; Tiri had fooled him, with one of the oldest tricks in existance.

Three; his reaction just now gave away his own thoughts and worries

Looking back up to her thinking he'd been made, he saw her giggling with a hand over her mouth, as a blush crept over his own features.

"I'm sorry, Itachi-san, I couldn't resist. You know... If you're interested, I have some free time this evening. Would you care to join me for dinner?" Tiri asked, still smiling...

This was... The first time he'd been asked out by a woman, where he was not only tempted to agree, but where he truly wanted to. In that instant, before he could make even more a fool of himself, he found himself responding, "I would like that, Tiri-san."

...No matter what he did for the rest of that afternoon, Itachi found himself smiling...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Back with Sasuke...**

"Sasuke? Something wrong?" Naruto asked, noticing that his partner had stoped walking.

There Sasuke stood rigid, a shiver running up his spine. "Pervert senses... Tingling..."

Blinking, the blonde replied, "What? Oh, don't tell me you're taking after ero-sennin, too..."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"How many Dzur does it take to sharpen a sword? Four. One to sharpen it, and three to make it worth his while." -_**A joke from the Vlad Taltos series of books, written by Steven Brust. IT's actually pretty funny, if you're into lightbulb jokes. **_

_**...Bad humor aside... Sorry this took so long, I've been busy.**_

_**...**_

_**VERY, busy.**_


	48. Chapter 48 BEST CHAPTER YET

**Naruto; What If**

**Eighth Arc; Turmoil**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 48 - BadabangbangGangbang!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**[Cue music; Can't Touch This, by MC Hammer]**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**...**

. . . .

**WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST FOR AN EMERGENCY WARNING**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH...**

**We're no strangers to love  
You know the rules and so do I  
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of  
You wouldn't get this from any other guy**

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling  
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up  
Never gonna let you down  
Never gonna run around and desert you  
Never gonna make you cry  
Never gonna say goodbye  
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

We've known each other for so long  
Your heart's been aching, but  
You're too shy to say it  
Inside, we both know what's been going on  
We know the game and we're gonna play it

And if you ask me how I'm feeling  
Don't tell me you're too blind to see

Never gonna give you up  
Never gonna let you down  
Never gonna run around and desert you  
Never gonna make you cry  
Never gonna say goodbye  
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Never gonna give you up  
Never gonna let you down  
Never gonna run around and desert you  
Never gonna make you cry  
Never gonna say goodbye  
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you_**  
**_****

(Ooh, give you up)  
(Ooh, give you up)  
Never gonna give, never gonna give  
(Give you up)  
Never gonna give, never gonna give  
(Give you up)

We've known each other for so long  
Your heart's been aching, but  
You're too shy to say it  
Inside, we both know what's been going on  
We know the game and we're gonna play it

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling  
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up  
Never gonna let you down  
Never gonna run around and desert you  
Never gonna make you cry  
Never gonna say goodbye  
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Never gonna give you up  
Never gonna let you down  
Never gonna run around and desert you  
Never gonna make you cry  
Never gonna say goodbye  
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Never gonna give you up  
Never gonna let you down  
Never gonna run around and desert you  
Never gonna make you cry  
Never gonna say goodbye  
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you...

**. . . . . . .**

**YOU JUST GOT TROLLED, SON.**

**RICK ROLLED, BITCH!**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**. . . . . . .**_

_**I'm deeply, terribly sorry, but I just couldn't resist... Heheh. I'm evil. Trololololoool. **_

_**To get the FULL effect, you may now play the YOU GOT OWNED song. **_

_**Have nice day... Bitches.**_


	49. Chapter 49 The Real Chapter

**Naruto; What If**

**Eighth Arc; Turmoil**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 49 - Here's the real chapter, guys. Unfiltered, straight from the tap.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Here, in the real world...**

Yawning languidly, Sasuke awoke, trying to sit up, finding that he couldn't. Looking down, he found himself entombed under a pile of dozing human bodies, all female. He blearily recalled last night's events, taking notice of the disorder throughout the room.

There was a G-string hanging from the ceiling fan,(How did that get there...?) a bra on the doorknob,(Ah, from when Charsi... Okay, right) and assorted pieces of lingerie scattered around the carpeted floor.(Not to mention plenty of stains and a few PVC bits here and there)

After letting another yawn rip, he got a quick head count...

Two, three, six, eight, eleven...

Ah... Thirteen women. Sasuke nodded sagely, thoroughly pleased with himself. This was a new record, beating his previous one by two. He still couldn't believe that he was being paid for this... What was the phrase?

Gigolo, that's it. It isn't a bad job, truth be told. Until recently, he'd only thought girls were annoying; he now finds out that they were far more interesting to be around than other men.

He had also found himself enjoying the same things the women did... Namely these 'Soap Operas' the likes of which he had never before encountered. Such engrossing tales of romance, comedy and betrayal... Speaking of which...

Ah! Damn, Days of Our Lives is on!

"Girls, wake up! We're missing Days of Our Lives!" He exclaimed, trying to wriggle his way out from under the assorted beauties.

Almost as one, they woke up instantaneously, all trying to jump up and out of the bed, racing to the living room and the giga-sized couch therein.

"Hurry, otherwise we'll miss House, too!"

That REALLY got them moving!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Now back to our originally schedualed program.**

I smothered a yawn, trying not to nod off. Naruto was off on his own, scavenging for something to eat besides the rations we'd brought along. I was holding our camp, waiting on him and hanging onto our relic/objective. I hadn't slept since...

...You know.

I already knew what kind of dreams I would have, and I didn't feel like reliving it. So awake I stayed, standing vigil. The flames in front of my danced to and fro, hypnotising in their own right. The way they moved... Fluid-like, unpredictable, sensual... It reminded me of-

DAMNIT!

A quick throw, purely a kneejerk reaction... And the flames split for a moment, before flaring back to life, a kunai buried amongst the firewood.

Ugh...

_'Damnit... Damn her...'_

My heart ached, the vice returning again, to remind me of my pain. And yet... It didn't shock me awake like it did before.

_'So tired... Where is... Naru...To...'_

I could barely keep my eyes open, my entire body feeling sluggish...

Why...

"Fufufufu..." The sound of someone chuckling darkly caught my attention... But I couldn't be bothered to move...

"The last Uchiha... Supposedly the strongest Genin in Konoha, apprenticed to the Sannin Jiraiya..." That voice came back, sultry and seductive...

A woman stepped out of the darkness and into my field of view, wearing a short, dark maroon dress, bandages covering her arms, with a strikingly beautiful face. Hanging in her eyes, were luscious purple locks that covered a Hidden Grass hitai-ate.

Who...?

"I think I'll relieve you of that little jar, there..." She skulked towards me, swaying her hips as she went, a suggestive smile on her features...

Why... Why can't I move...

When she was right there in front of me, she got down, straddling my hips, looking me over like a piece of meat...

"Ooh... You really are a cutie..." She licked her lips, pulling my chin up, so as to get a better look at me.

"Mm... I think I'll have a taste..." She leaned down, getting closer to me-

_"I think I'll have a taste..." _The voice I heard was-

_Was... Anko..._

_Why..._

_**WHY?!**_

My eyes snapped open, sharingan flared and chakra surging, just as I thrust my arm out, grabbing the bitch by the throat...

She didn't stand a chance. In the instant that she realised what was happening, her first thought was, '_What?! Why isn't my poison affecting him anymore?!_'

"Don't you _ever_ touch me, bitch..." I slammed her down to the ground, my other hand held high...

***Pul-Chichichichichichi!***

And as I brought chidori down, a strong hand caught my wrist. Turning to glare at my next victim, I found-

"...That's enough, Sasuke." Naruto, with a solemn look on his normally jovial features...

Eyes narrowed, I hissed, "...Why did you stop me? The bitch deserves it..."

"Because you are NOT alright, and if you keep this up, you're going to wind up doing something you'll regret later. Now let her go, she's no threat to us anyway."

"Hn." I pulled the lucky broad up and tossed her away, ending the flow of chakra through my technique.

I turned and stalked away, as Naruto called, "Where are you going?"

"To kill something ugly..."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**In Konoha...**

Deep underground, in ROOT's central base of operations, Danzo Shimura was calmly sitting in one of its dimly-lit rooms, waiting...

From the shadows, emerged one of his personal agents; an individual he trusted to get every questionable assignment done quickly, efficiently, and silently. A true professional.

"Status report."

The masked ROOT agent replied monotonously, never looking up from his position on the floor. "It is as you predicted, Danzo-sama. Kakashi is unaware of your involvement. However... He is a Jounin. He knows that something is wrong; but he cannot investigate his suspicions. The woman has began drinking far more heavily than previously estimated, and is entirely unable to question her own actions. I would chance a guess that she would last no more than two more years before the guilt drove her to suicide, given her psychological profile."

The old warhawk nodded. "And Sasuke?"

...The masked man shifted ever so slightly, a tell that was almost impercepitable, except to a ninja. "That one... I am unable to get close without risking detection, so I've only speculation to offer; he seems to be unaware, blinded by anger and bitterness. This is only a hypothesis, as he is a clever individual, and is aware of our presence. However, Danzo-sama... There is another factor we must take into account. Itachi cannot be deceived as easily as Kakashi, nor can I observe him without risking detection. I am not foolish enough nor arrogant enough to believe myself a match for his abilities, Danzo-sama. When he discovers our involvement... And I do mean when, not if, he will present a sizable threat to the secrecy of this operation, and may even ruin its purpose. Very little short of death will stop him from informing his brother, and there is nothing that will stop Sasuke from burning ROOT to the ground."

Danzo remained silent and thoughtful, when his agent spoke up. "May I speak freely, Danzo-sama?"

"You may."

The Anbu looked up. "Danzo-sama, this operation seems to have been doomed from the fourth phase onward. The moment Sasuke spared Kakashi, it was compromised; let alone Itachi's return to active duty. We cannot eliminate the elder Uchiha without Sasuke investigating, no matter the Hokage's beliefs. He would discover ROOT's involvement, and destroy all he can. Kakashi Hatake is too valuable an asset to the village to have him eliminated; there is no garuntee an assassination would be successful, regardless. And... The elimination of Anko would do nothing but harm to us at this point. While it may awaken Sasuke's mangekyo, he would immediately discover our involvement. ...I needn't speak further of what a disaster that would be. Personally, Danzo-sama, I believe this is the final chance to cut our losses, and pray the boy does not further investigate the incident."

...The Anbu's wise words were not heeded.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Late morning, two days later...**

Itachi awoke blearily, stifling a yawn...

After a moment of blinking away the sleep in his eyes, he made to sit up, and found that he couldn't.

...

There was a weight on top of him, preventing him from accomplishing said task; a moment later, he realized who it was.

Looking down, he found a head of dark hair resting atop his chest...

...Dark hair with ash-grey highlights.

Itachi blinked, thinking, '_How in the hell..._'

He stopped, and laid back into the pillows, gazing around the room for a moment, determining that he wasn't in his own room in the Uchiha Compound. This must be Tiri's home, then.

He had only a slight headache, which meant he still must have consumed very large quantities of alchohol, considering the tolerance he's built up to its effects over the last decade. That explains why his memories of last night are... More than a little fuzzy.

'_Hm. Either I am about to be attacked the moment she wakes, or she has a penis and I simply don't recall as much._' Itachi reasoned, knowing that with his luck, there was no possible way that he would find himself in a meaningful relationship with such a beautiful, kind woman... Particularly if it hits a rough patch this early on.

Suddenly, Tiri stirred on top of him, and he steeled himself to feet the cold kiss of a kunai, or even worse, something hard and _warm_ prodding against his side...

Tiri yawned and opened her eyes, looking up into Itachi's own onyx orbs...

. . .

"Well... This is... Awkward."

"Indeed," He replied, only his training and complete control over his emotions allowing him to keep a stony expression and even tone.

...

"...You remember any of what happened last night?" She asked, seemingly unfazed by the situation.

"Unfortunately, I do not."

More awkward silence followed...

Before he said, "I... Don't suppose you'd be willing to join me for breakfast today?" Itachi wasn't holding out much hope for this, but... It was worth a try.

She was quiet for a moment, still staring intently into his eyes...

"...No, I don't think so..."

Suppressing a dejected sigh, he resigned himself to his fate... Seeing as his misfortune has struck again.

"...It's a bit too late to go out for breakfast, anyway. I think a late lunch would be a bit more appropriate..." His ears perked up, and he blinked, thinking,

'_...Is my luck changing for the better, just this once...?_'

Tiri pushed herself up, that sultry smile returning as the covers fell away, revealing her intoxicating form...

"Besides... We're already like this, so why not indulge a little... Itachi-san?"

He blinked, before offering up a silent prayer to whatever deity declared his penace, complete.

'_Indeed, it is... I can only hope that Otouto-kun may also find such good fortune, in his time of turmoil... Preferably with someone else, very far away. I wonder when the house will come crashing down on top of us...?_' The former-nukenin mused, full-heartedly engaging his mate in her suggested morning exercise.

...Oddly enough, at that very same moment, Anko Mitarashi shot straight up, nearly dropping the bottle of sake in her hand. "Pervert senses... Tingling..."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Back in Iwa, Naruto's point of view...**

I ran a hand through my hair again, a nervous tic that I couldn't fight with my anxiety. Sasuke has been gone more than two days, and knowing him, he's going to wind up getting himself hurt or killed...

That last incident was just wierd... Tha hot chick had used some kind of poison or something, and Duckbutt hadn't noticed it, until she got close to him. After that... She had just been about to start making out with him while he was paralyzed,(Lucky baka... Why does HE have to be the one with women fawning all over him?!) before...

...Before he just snapped, and tried to murder the crap out of her. Wonder why... Because she looks like Anko...? Man... I knew he was still sore over that, but... I guess it's even worse than I'd thought.

I'd better keep a close eye on him for awhile... The last thing either of us needs now is to be stuck as Genin for another year.

Not to mention, it'd be bad if he went nuts and started killing people left anf right. Yep, that's me; Naruto Uzumaki, he's got his priorities straight.

Chuckling at my sarcastic thoughts, I resigned myself to tracking him down, before the exam ended or he got us disqualified for killing too many Genin.

I had a quick glance around our makeshift campsite, saw that I had everything needed, and pulled my hands together. "Alright... You've had enough time to sulk, Duckbutt. Hiraishin!"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I reappeared some kilometres away, right next to-

. . .

Next to Sasuke, at the bottom of a two-hundred foot, black-as-soot crater littered with bodies, both human and otherwise; most still breathing, a few moaning and groaning. Sasuke himself looked nonchalant as ever, as he picked his teeth with a kunai, an empty bottle of sake in his other hand.

"...So what happened here?" I asked, not really expecting much of an answer...

"Oh, just a minor... Disagreement."

...

"Riiight... I don't suppose it had anythign to do with that bottle?"

He beamed, chucking the weapon over his head.(It landed hilt-first on some poor bastard behind him) "You know me so well!"

...This is gonna be a looooong exam, isn't it...?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Sorry this took so long, I've been busy. Busy trolling people. Busy dealing with easily-offended, impressionable young sods. Eh, can't win for losing. That last chapter was funny, admit it. I trolled two hundred people, and will more than likely get two hundred more. So,**_

_**SUCK IT. My crude humor brought you guys here, you can't complain when you're finally on the receiving end of it. Be happy, I won't be trolling you anymore. At least, not on here. No promises if we happen to meet face to face. **_

_**...Check your chair before you sit down. Heheheheh. Anyway.**_

_**At least HALF of you guys laughed after the fact, and the other half read the entire thing and said to themselves, "The fuck is this, anyway?"**_

_**...If you don't get it, you don't get it. No subtitles here, move along...**_

_**Does this chapter appease you, LemonManiac? Then please, PUT THE BAZOOKA AWAY! Heheh, you guys can expect more of the CanonSasuke's hijinks in the real world from now on, since I seem to have left him out a wee bit too much.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"The shinobi forces of Konohagakure no Sato; join up, meet interesting people, kill them." -**Slogan of the Konoha Shinobi. Heheh, kinda funny. Found it in the fic "Better Left Unsaid"**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**"Lesson one, my apprentice; female anger is an unguided weapon!"**_-One of Jiraiya's lines, from the fic, "Better Left Unsaid"_


	50. Chapter 50 OMAKE Cast Interview 1

**Naruto; What If**

**Eighth Arc; Turmoil**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 50 - **OMAKE Behind the scenes;** **Cast Interview Time! Part one**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**HELLO, DEAR READERS! INSTEAD OF AN ACTUAL CHAPTER, I HAVE BEEN BULLIED INTO DOING A CAST INTERVIEW TO TAKE A BREAK FROM THE SERIOUSNESS OF ACTUAL STORYWORK. EXPECT MUCH FUNNY, AND DEMOLISHING OF THE FOURTH WALL. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**First interview; Naruto Uzumaki**_

"Uh, is this thing on?" We see Naruto sitting at a table, fiddling with an earpiece.

*Unintelligible*

"Wait, what? Whattaya mean I'm on the air?! Agh, damnit! Uh, hey, guys! Welcome to behind the scenes, I'm Naruto Uzumaki, protagonist of the story. We here at, uh..."

He stops, and listens to something coming in from his earpiece...

"...You don't actually expect me to _say_ that, right? Right?"

*EEEEEEEIIIIIINNNNNGGGG...!* An ear-piercing screeching noise split the sir, emanating from his earpiece. Ow.

"GAH! ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! Eesh, fuckin prick..." Naruto takes a moment to clean out his ear with a pinky, before readdressing the audience. "Okay, we here at Blade's Awesomesauce Bitches proudly present to you-"

...Loud, bellowing laughter is heard coming from Naruto's earpiece, as the camera starts to shake; aditional laughter is heard from behind the camera.

"...As I was SAYING, we are here to present interviews with the cast of Naruto What If. Thank you for your patronage... Somebody shoot me..." *Ktch-chk!*

. . .

"I DIDN'T MEAN LITTERALLY!"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Okay... Now that that's over with, onto the actual interview. First, myself, of course. To you, my loyal fans; Thank you for your support, I greatly appreciate it! And now, dear Author, WHY AM I NOT THE LEAD CHARACTER?! This entire thing is NAMED after ME! The protagonist! So why does Sasuke get more screentime than I do?!"

...Because he's obviously more badass than you...

"Shut up, narrator."

Oh, eat me, you're voiced by a woman.

"Fuck you."

Fuck you.

"Well, fuck you!"

**THERE'S AN AWFUL LOT OF FUCKING GOING ON IN HERE! SO UNLESS ANKO OR HINATA ARE INVOLVED, WHICH THEY AREN'T,(SINCE THEY'RE HERE WITH ME) YOU'D DAMN WELL BETTER GET BACK TO WORK!**

Yes, mother...

"Yeah, yeah... Fuckin' slave driver... Okay, my other complaint, why does NO ONE pair me with Sakura? I mean, nothing against Hinata AT ALL,(She's hot...) but does everyone assume I'm going to give up on my teammate?"

...Yes... Unless you're a masochist, that is...

"...Okay, you got me there, I'm not into the whips and chains. Though I think Anko is... Huh. Guess her and Sasuke have that in common."

...Heheheheheh, yeah, this one time, I 'accidentally' walked in on them, and-

Naruto looks panicked. "WHOA WHOA WHOA! I DON'T NEED TO KNOW! One threesome was one too many."

...Well, nuts to you, then.

"Fuck you very much."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Second interview; Hinata Hyuuga**_

In walks Hinata, wearing blue jeans and T-shirt, a lit cigarette dangling from her lips. She plants a wet kiss on Naruto's cheek, before effortlessly dumping him out of the chair.

"No problem with me at all, huh?"

Naruto scrambles back to his feet, stuttering replies. "I, uh, wait wait wait! I didn't mean it like that! I just meant-"

She raises an eyebrow, staring holes through him. "Oh? Then what did you mean?"

"I, just, uh..."

...It's super-effective. Well, it's a knock-out, people; he's down for the count.

"Unless you want to sleep on the couch for the rest of the MONTH, I suggest you get out of here before you dig yourself even deeper."

...Naruto wisely hauled ass out of the studio, running all the way back home to start on making a romantic dinner to win back her heart.

Whipped.

"Oh, shut it, you. I've seen the things you do for YOUR girlfriend..."

...Yes ma'am.

She nodded, smirking. "Good. Now, then, since the Author asked, I'm here to give my own personal opinion of what it's like to work with everyone on Naruto What If. First of all," She raises her hand, and flips off the camera. "I am NOT timid, shy, or in any way inhibited by bashfulness. That's just for the camera, damnit! And no, I am NOT a stalker. Again, just for the camera, people."

Hinata is obviously annoyed, as she is looking at the cameraman, just daring him to look down her shirt again...

Our view of Hinata shakes left and right, back and forth.

"...Smart. Keep your eyes above my neckline unless you want me to raise your voice an octave. Where was I... Ah, yes. I have no qualms with speaking my mind, nor being... Proactive, about winning my man's heart. As you saw earlier, I have Naruto wrapped around my little finger... He's not the smartest or most tactful, but he's cute, and just... Ooh, GREAT in bed..." Hinata continues to stare off into space for several moments, licking her lips...

Before taking a drag from her cigarette, exhaling with an expectant look on her face. "He's gonna work real hard to get back in my good graces... Heheh, I can't wait..."

Several more moments pass, before she remembers she's still on camera.

... Hey. HEY! Pay attention, this isn't a porno.

She gives a start, before glaring at the camera. "Shut up... Okay, my second point, the only two men in this cast that I'd even consider dating are Naruto and Sasuke. I looove my little Naru-kun, but if things with him don't work out, Sasuke is always a good back-up option... He's confident, handsome and from what Anko has to say, every bit as satisfying in the sack as Naru. Hm. Sasuke and Anko have got a thing going, but they're always bickering back and forth... He doesn't take shit from anyone, so that's always a factor..."

Ahem...

"But I'm pretty sure I could... Convince him to try a change of pace. Anko may be flexible, but she hasn't got _these_ babies..." Hinata presses her breasts together, smirking as she notices the cameraman adjusting himself.

AH-HEM!

Hinata blinks, realising she'd gone off on a tangeant. "Oh. Right.. Well that brings me to my other point; I AM NOT INTERESTED IN OTHER WOMEN! No, just, no. I'm not Anko, and I'm not Ino. Stop pairing me with other girls, for chrissake... And no, I don't have a thing for Kiba. Like, ew. He always smells like wet dog... Nice guy and all, but no. He's more interested in his pet than women. And don't get me started on Shino... I kinda like the strong, silent type, but not the silent, otaku type. Okay, that's about it; I'm not some shy, timid little girl, and I'm only interested in my Naru-kun. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going home to see what he's goign to do to please me."

...I thought these were supposed to be interviews, not rants...

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Third interview; Kakashi Hatake**_

Kakashi steps into the room, still wearing his facemask, before sitting down at the table, looking bored as ever. "So I'm supposed to be here for an interview, right?"

Right. Get to it, we're off schedual thanks to bitchy mcdiva.

"Right... Well, I'm Kakashi Hatake, badass extrordinair. In this story, my abilities are NOT lesser than normal, they are just OVERLOOKED. As in, I'm not showing off onscreen, that's it. I am not weak, I am just not showing off my strength and giving away what I can do. Secondly,"

...We can visibly see his expression glomp, despite the mask.

"I am not gay, nor am I interested in children. I'm not Orochimaru, and I'm definately not Anko. I have never, nor will I ever, be interested in Sakura. She is both too young, and too bitchy. Stop trying to pair me with her. I'm more than double her age, damnit!"

He takes a moment to calm down, as he is frothing behind his mask...

"You're not helping, asshole. I have a medical condition."

...He changes his attitude quickly, or the Narrator is going to call security... With the big, burly, sweaty male nurse... Who will then apply CPR...

"Okay, okay! Eesh... Other than the rampant pairing and people trying to play down my abilities, I have no complaints baout working with the team here. We're like one big, happy, dysfunctional family. I'm just the fuddy-duddy uncle everyone loves."

...I thought that was Jiraiya...

"No, he's our estranged, perverted grandfather-figure. Y'know, the one you want to put in a home, but just don't have the heart, since he'd guilt you over it every time you went to visit?"

...Then what about Hiruzen?

"Oh, he's the patriarch, the great-grandfather. But he's more physically fit than half the cast, truth be told... No one's quite sure how he manages."

Huh.

...

"Er, is there anything else? Oh, right, right... Working with everyone here at the studio is plenty fun and exciting, as everyone basically gets along pretty well... Except for some of the romantic issues that spring up, from time to time. Two specific couples come to mind..."

We're low on time, here, Kakashi. Speed it up.

"Well, it's plenty fun and exciting, I assure you. I am perfectly happy working for the Author."

Right, that's all the time we have for you, old-timer. Time for the next interviewee!

"...Did I really have to say that? Eugh... Feels like I need to burn my tongue... Damned slave-driver... Doesn't even have dental..."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Fourth interview; Sasuke Uchiha **_

"Yo, welcome back to the Cast Rant- er, Interviews! I'm Sasuke Uchiha, resident badass and protagonist. As some of you may be wondering, why am I suddenly the lead character in this story? Well, because someone up high had the great idea of getting rid of the emo persona, and basically said, _Sasuke, make your OWN character personality. _So I did, and for the most part, I'm pretty much myself on-screen."

He is sitting at the table, smirking as usual, before continuing.

"My friendship with Naruto is real, and we've been good buddies for years before being volunteered for the parts we were given. And no, that does not make either of us gay for the other. So no, don't even bother. No yaoi. Second, YES, I am in a relationship with Anko, that is entirely seperate from what happens on the camera. We get along really well, all things considered... And no matter what happens between us, or on-screen, we remain professional when we work together."

Suddenly, the door opens, and even Sasuke is surprised when Anko Mitsrashi walks in, looking-

"Sasuke!"

Pissed off, wearing a mini-skirt and tank top, her hair down.

"Hm? What is it, Anko?" Sasuke innocently replies, for once refraining from ogling his girlfriend.

"You know what!" And as she begins to chew him out about an incident that took place this morning, Sasuke simply reaches into his pocket pulling out what looks like a small remote...

Pressing a switch on it, Anko pulls up short, her face turning bright red.

"Oh. So you did leave it in. Good girl."

"F-f-fuck you..." She growls, as her legs begin to shake and quake...

Sasuke beams, smiling tranquilly. "Too late." He presses another switch on the remote...

Anko doubles over, eyes wide, catching herself on the table as her breath hitches, and she lets out a sensual moan...

"You know, you're much more pleasant since we implemented this. Less arguing, fewer fights, and you actually have time to let your anger cool off before we get into it. Say, are you feeling hot? You look feverish..."

She looks up, glaring at him. "Eat me, you perverted son of a-"

He happily presses the remote again. "Toooo~ Laaaa~aaaate."

This time, he is there to catch her as Anko's legs give out from under her, and he pulls her into his lap.

"Well, isn't this convenient... We've even got a camera set up already..." He begins fondling Anko's delicious body, before reaching down, hiking up her skirt-

They both turn dead-hard glares onto the camera.

"SHUT UP, NARRATOR!"

...Well, fuck you very much then... Guess whose video is going on the internet...

Heheheheh.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Fifth interview; Sakura Haruno**_

"Uh... Wow, that's hot..." Sakura is sitting at a table in a different studio/interview room, looking at a laptop...

Several... Lewd, noises were emanating from it, before she snapped it closed, her face bright red.

"Uh, anyway... Sakura Haruno here, in our auxillary interview room, seeing as the regular one is... In use. Since Sasuke's interview was interrupted, mine got bumped up. Anyway, I am not the first Sakura Haruno; the original was a young boy who is now one of the stagehands, and helps to run the cameras. I was hired on to play as Sakura after the time skip, and as you'll have probably noticed, none of us are using our real names. This is to avoid confusion or lawsuits. Not to mention, we've all gotten used to addressing one another by our stage names. Anyway, I'm not all that different from the character I play, except the fangirl mindset and rampant bitchyness. I'm only like that when I'm on the rag, thank you very much.

I really enjoy working with everyone here in the studio, especially the Konoha twelve; it's a lot like an inner circle of friends from highschool, and each of them has their own idiosyncracies. Neji is actually a raging pervert, but he's a great actor; on-screen, he's a true stoic gentleman. Kiba's a jock, unsurprisingly, while Naruto and Sasuke are the class clowns. Anko's kinda like the hot senior that Sasuke managed to snag as a girlfriend, either as a freshman or sophmore. Kakashi is a lot like the cool, young teacher everyone loves, but he's always getting sick... He had to be cut from several scenes, due to being ordered to bedrest. Poor guy. Anyway, even Shino isn't too different from his ninja persona; very quiet and stoic, except he's a real otaku. Still, a nice enough guy."

She smiles fondly, thinking back on all the memories the cast has made over the years...

"Yeah... There've been all sorts of wacky hijinks we've gotten up to. During one of the more serious scenes, Sasuke was sitting at a table, but, ah, no one knew that Anko was in the room, hidden under the table; apparently, she was doing something... Risque, between her boyfriend's legs, making him stutter, blush, and really fluff his lines. they like to bicker a lot, but they love each other, and get along very well all thigns said and done. Naruto and Hinata are like the lovey-dovey couple everyone knows; they're all over each other, all the time. But Hinata makes Naruto jump through all sorts of hoops when he does something stupid... Not that she'd ever really dump him. She's too addicted to his cock, that freak. And people call Anko a nympho..." Still grinning, she chuckles, thinking back to a different incident...

"The three from Suna are nothing like their characters, truth be told. Gaara is a lot like Shikamaru, laughing and giggling about something or other all the time. Kankuro is... Well, he's one of the only normal people out of everyone, with no real weirdness. And Temari? She's more of a girly-girl than anyone else I know, even Ino. Before I forget, there's Itachi..." Sakura shudders, licking her lips...

"He's just... Mm... Like an older, more mature version of Sasuke. It's a shame he hooked up with the stand-in that got hired since someone else we'd planned to hire was involved in an, ah, accident. I don't really know all that much about her, since she only started working here maybe two weeks ago... But Itachi makes googly-eyes whenever she's around, which wound up being the way we shot the scene, since the Author wanted to capitalize on such believable emotions.

Rock Lee and Gai don't wear the weird outfits normally, but their personalities are very similar to their characters; not to mention, they're really father and son, and a pair of exercise nuts. Tenten is from the southern countryside, and has to work hard to cover her accent. It's kinda funny when she messes up, and it's just hilarious when she comes in early in the morning, half-asleep. Ino's squad is pretty straightforward; Shikamaru is a prankster like Naruto, Ino's a cheerleader, and Chouji is... Normal. Really, he is. Chubby or not, he and Kankuro are the only normal people in the entire cast. EVERYONE else has something weird or unique that makes them who they are. You'll probably hear more about the rest of them later on in different interviews... Y'know, sometimes I feel like the only sane person around here..."

Her closing comment is punctuated by a muffled scream of ecstasy and thumping noises, heard from a different room.

...It sounded suspiciously similar to Anko's voice.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**HA HA HA HA HA! Were you all expecting a real chapter? Well, too bad. I've kept my running gag since chapter 36 going. DEAL WITH IT.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**"Lesson one, my apprentice; female anger is an unguided weapon!"**___-One of Jiraiya's lines, from the fic, "Better Left Unsaid"_


	51. Chapter 51 Outtakes 1

**Naruto; What If**

**Eighth Arc; Turmoil**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Chapter 51 - **Behind the scenes;** **OUTTAKES**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**HELLO, DEAR READERS! INSTEAD OF AN ACTUAL CHAPTER, I am doing a series of mindnumbing outtakes; what would have happened if the actors mucked up in their scenes. These will be the funny ones, people.**

**...Sorry, I've been too distracted to do an actual serious story-chapter. My ME fic has taken over my typing time, so if you happen to enjoy that game, go take a look. It's actually MUCH better than this story, believe it or not.**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Outtake number one; Wait, no... NOOOOOOOOO!**_

As Kakashi walked along the stream, he grumbled, nursing his sore testicles.

"Grr... What male justifies hitting his own teacher in the groin... Outta see how they like it... Or call Anko down here and let her do the honors..." As he groaned and moaned, he heard something familiar.

"YOSH! KAKASHI! MY ETERNAL RIVAL! THERE YOU ARE!" As Kakashi turned, he caught sight of Might Guy, his colleague and longtime friend. Of course, he was wearing his trademark green spandex tracksuit and Chuunin vest.

"Guy? Well... I could use a distraction. What brings you here?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow, wondering why Guy would show up during the genin test. He had his own students already from last year, so why would he be here now?

"I have found your weakness, Kakashi! Never again will I lose to you, my rival!" ...Once again, his friend didn't know the meaning of the word volume. He was also coming far too close to be comfortable.

But Kakashi found what he said interesting. "...My weakness? Really? Well, what is it, then?"

His comrade shouted, "BOY'S LOVE!" And dashed forward, seizing the copy ninja in a bear hug, holding him in place, lifting his feet off the ground.

Unexpectedly, Kakashi jumped back and out of the hug after a moment, breaking character, arms held in front of him in the shape of an X. "No, no! Just no! What the hell, man?! Why do you have a boner?!"

"I can't help it, Kurenai took her shirt off!"

...Even from a distance, everyone could hear the woman in question laughing her ass off from off-stage.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Second Outtake; Lack of discipline**_

Once my head broke the surface, I pulled myself up and out, and all I could hear was booing, cheering, and laughter all around me. The laughter was from most every non-Sand ninja in attendance, whereas a lot of spectators were booing from the lack of bloodshed or actual fighting. I then turned to see Genma doing the same as I had.

After coughing out a mouthful of water, he glared at me. "Nice one, kid. Thanks for the heads-up."

I smiled brightly. "You needed a bath, anyway. Maybe now you'll get a girlfriend."

Before he could respond, we heard splashing and sputtering.

Looking over, I saw Gaara thrashing about, coughing, choking, arms flailing.

Heheh, I was right. He can't swim.

I casually strolled over to where he was floundering, and leaned down, smiling.

"Yo, Gaara. Nice day for a swim, eh?"

"Guah! G-get me out of- Chuk, guak, gak! -Here!" He was steadily sinking, the sand covering his body turning dark tan, soaked through with water. His gourd was still strapped to his body, weighing him down even further. I'd've guesstimated the whole lot weighed around two hundred pounds when saturated. Substantial for a ninja on land, but in the water?

"Oh? What was that? Is something wrong? C'mon, it's just water." I had sixteen minutes until the water drained out of the arena; it wasn't water-tight, after all.

"I c- chuglubbub- Can't shwim!" His head finally went down to where only his forehead and hair weren't under, so I-

Gaara stood up, grinning from ear-to-ear, giggling. "I- I'm sorry, I can't do this. It's only knee-high!" He exclaimed, gesturing to the water we were standing in and 'on.'

It was just a platform under my feet, with some really cool, dynamic camerawork to make it look like we were sixty feet high. I hopped off the two-foot platform, shaking out my hair. Gaara did something similar, before he noticed red on his hands.

"**Damnit, CUT!" **The director shouted, muttering to himself. Then he glared at Gaara. "Who the hell did his makeup? I thought I told you idiots to use waterproof facepaint! WATERPROOF!"

His makeup had smeared and melted off, black streaks down his cheeks like mascara, and the red word on his forehead looking more like a bleeding headwound. The makeup people are really gonna get it now...

Several of the stagehands and makeup artists practically dragged Gaara off-set, and when I left the stage, I was immediately handed a towel, courtesy of Naruto.

"Thanks, mate. We got about thirty minutes before they get set back up... Wanna grab a sandwich?"

He nodded, toweling himself off, as well. "Yeah, good time for a break, anyway."

We walked off towards the confection table, almost immediately joined by our respective partners.

Anko glomped me, leaving a kiss on the back of my head. "Smooth acting, Ace. You really like hamming it up, don'tcha?"

I couldn't help enjoying the feel of her breasts pressed against my back... Especially with my wet clothes.

"Heh, you know me, living for the limelight..."

I could hear her licking her lips, before she purred into my ear, "And the nightlife..."

Naruto turned a smirking look on us. "Easy, you two. Otherwise Kurenai's gonna break out the hose again."

But instead of rolling my eyes and doing what I wished to do,(Fondle the woman half a decade older than me. She's 19 this year, and I turned 14 not two months ago) I sniped, "Should you be saying that, Naruto, when Nata's got a hand in your shorts?"

"Touche... Oooh, right there..." He practically moaned, a shudder running up his back.

...And so we ate, drank, and got only slightly frisky(Only when Kurenai and the director weren't looking) before returning to the set, when I saw Gaara coming out of the dressing room

"Yo, Gaara of the Funk!(*Duh, nuh, nuh-nah!*) Go long!" He turned, and I reared back, before throwing the wrapped-up foot-long sub like a football.

The vertically challenged redhead reached up and jumped, catching the long-distance sandwich with practiced ease. Such was common, these days. We both got on-set, high-fiving as he spoke through a mouthful of ham and swiss.

"Tanks, om faukin' shtahvin. Temahee an' Konk rahshed me out da door dish mornin'." Believe it or not, they were related, oddly enough. One father, three _very _different mothers.

*Beat*

He really got around.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Third Outtake; The old switcharoo**_

"HI, ANKO-NEECHAN!"

Anko facepalmed, then looked over to where I was sitting, waving my arm high in the air.

Then she returned the gesture. "HI, SASUKE-KUN!"

...Drat, I've been outmaneuvered.

I let my arm come back down, and she herself stopped waving, chuckling.

"Now, before we begin- Huh? Ibiki, you let this many of them pass?! Geeze. We'll cut 'em in half in the second test." Several of the Genin reacted to that, a sense of forboding falling upon them... Or it would if not for the banner, which had us all giggling and snickering to ourselves. Heheh. I wondered who was behind it.

"Huhuh, well, they're a tough bunch. Not to mention your boyfriend over there playing the entire thing for laughs." The big man rumbled, the corners of his mouth twitching when he saw the banner in question.

Anko blinked, then turned to look at me. I grinned, nice and big.

"...Oookay. Are there any questions before we move on to the second test?"

One kid raised his hand, trying his best not to crack up. "Yeah. Did you design that banner yourself?"

Anko grinned. "Yes. Yes, I did."

The kid raised an eyebrow, letting out a low chuckle. "The director's really gonna hang your ass out this time, then!"

And as he broke character, Anko stopped grinning. Then turned, looked up, and stared at what was written on her banner.

_**'The Director's a douche!'**_

...Then everyone busted out laughing right along with her.

"**CUT!** **Alright, who changed the goddamn banner ****this time****?!"**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Fourth Outtake; Never bet against the luckiest bastard you know**_

I found our room, and went across to where the bathroom was. I walked in, and heard two showers running. Coincidentally, there were only two.

...Eh. There were towels stacked on a small endtable, with three sinks under a large mirror. There were two urinals, and two toilet stalls, with tiled floors and two shower stalls that had the curtains drawn.

I walked out, and into the room opposite, labelled 351. Inside were three double beds, along with a TV, some exercise mats, and a few other odds and ends. I dropped my pack, undid and removed my armor and bauldric, dropping them in a pile.

I rolled my shoulders, cracked my neck and knucles, then rooted around in my pack for one of my spare sets of clothing. Once I got ahold of another outfit, I turned and walked out of the room, returning to the bathroom. The showers were still going, so I said,

"Oy! How long are you two gonna be? Don't use up all the hot water."

Naruto replied, "I'm still trying to get the mud off of me! Geeze, it's like the stuff is glued on."

"Ah, another twenty minutes... This feels heavenly..."

I felt a vein pop in my temple. Alright, enough'a this. Now that Anko's mentioned it, the smell is starting to grate on my nerves...

I stripped off my current outfit

"Oy, Sakura! Shove over, you're sharing."

I heard her stuttering. "W-W-WHAT?! BUT I'M A-!"

I strolled right into the stall she'd been occupying.

"Ah, quit your blubbering. I know you fantasize about seeing me naked anyway. Consider it a free show." Geeze... Her face was as red as the dress she usually wears.

I made a point not to look below eye-level, pulling the curtain closed.

She was still gaping at me, trying to cover the entire front of her body with her arms, as I snagged the bottle of shampoo that was on one of the shelves in the stall.

I squeezed out a handfull of the stuff before applying it to my hair, dropping the bottle back on the shelf, before sticking my head under the hot spray.

"Hey, you're right. This feels great after three days without one..." I starting lathering up, trying to get all the mud, blood, and gore out of my hair.

Believe it or not, I took great pride in such great ebony locks. I just don't like having the spiky, effeminate hair that sticks up half a foot. S'why I wear the bandana.

"...Sakura, you can quit staring. I'm not ogling you, am I?"

She spun around in place, giving me a rather nice view of her rear. Which was actually fairly nice, considering her age.

Then she started stuttering worse than Hinata. "Y-y-y-you sh-shouldn't be in h-here!"

"Why not? We're teammates and have to share a tent and even bedroll. There's no reason to be embarassed about one's own body, especially shinobi. Quit worrying and whining."

I finished getting all the gunk out of my hair and rinsed off, before slicking it back and out of my eyes. Grabbing the bottle of body wash, I crushed the thing, dumping a good portion of it onto my chest and both hands, lathering up.

With the rag that had been hanging in the stall, I scrubbed my entire body raw, trying to get the stench of baked-on mud and gore off me. Ten minutes of lathering, scrubbing, rinsing, and repeating, and the task was done.

Sakura was still bright red and staring at me. Or trying not to, as the case may be.

"Hey. Turn around, I'll wash your back."

...Oh, her face just lit. The fuck. Up. Brighter red than I'd ever seen Hinata.

"...o-okay..." I barely heard her over the sound of running water, but she turned, even the back of her beck was bright red.

Heheh, kinda cute.

I squeezed the rest of the body wash onto the second washcloth, since the one I'd used was in DIRE need of washing. Or burning.

I gently scrubbed her back, wiping off most of the grime that had accumulated, doing her shoulders, arms, underarms,(Making her squeek) before kneeling, and washing her flanks.

Oh, she jumped a good height. I merely chuckled at her reaction. It wasn't until I started getting her legs that she reacted.

"I-I-ICANGETTHOSEMYSELF!"

I blinked, and pretended not to know what she'd said, continuing what I was going.

"What'd you say? I didn't quite catch that."

"I CAN DO THAT MYSELF!"

I shrugged. "Yeah, but it's easier to have someone else get the areas you can't see."

"B-B-BUT- Oooh...! Ahh, yeah... Right there..."

I massaged up the sides of her thighs, buttocks, gently massaging the small of her back and flanks.

She actually fucking shuddered. Eh.

While she went weak in the knees, I switched sides with the cloth, and worked on her left leg, from hip to ankle,then around, and back up, along the inside of her leg.

...It wasn't until it just barely grazed her groin that she shivvered again, followed by the sound of a sharp intake of breath.

"Alright, dude, this is just too fucking weird." He broke character, stepping away from me and letting go of his junk.(He'd been holding it up, so that from behind, he truly appeared to be a girl)

I shrugged, scowling. "Too true. Least I get to keep my shorts on."

He glowered at me and the cameraman, who was silently chuckling. "Get that thing outta my face! And quit staring at my junk."

Que Naruto saying, "Yeah, Sasuke, quit staring, ya pervert!"

My expression soured further, as I glared hard up at Naruto's cheeky face.(He'd hopped up to look over the shower stall) "Ah, screw you, blondie! That bet was rigged!"

"But I still won, so YOU can do the shared shower scene! Hahahahaha-Aghh!" Suddenly, he was yanked down from behind.

"Wh-WHOA! HEY! Who-?! H-hi-hi-Hinata?! What're youOOOOoooooohhh... Yeah..."

Sakura and I exchanged annoyed glances.

"So he doesn't care for sharing a shower, huh?" I snidely remarked, as sucking and moaning sounds emanated from Naruto's shower stall. Lucky bastard...

"**CUT!**" The director shouted, and the moment he did, the door to the shower myself and Sakura were in was busted open, the pink-haired boy bodily thrown out of the stall as something tackled me to the floor, yanking off my shorts in the same movement.

"Hey!" I'd barely gotten to shout, as whoever it was dived down onto my-

It took every ounce of my self-control to suppress the moan that involuntarily rose up, eyes rolling as my schlong was engulfed in moist warmth.

After the moment it took my scrambled thought processes to reset, I glanced down, and saw Anko's head buried in my crotch, her piercing chocolate-brown eyes staring up at me. It was... One of the most erotic sights any man can lay his own eyes on.

"Ftill jeawouf?" She asked, with her mouth full.

. . .

In that instant, I looked up and shoved the cameraman out of the stall, then turned back to the girl of my dreams, caressing her luscious purple locks, stroking her beautiful, blushing cheeks.

"With you, I never have been, and never will be..."

**"Well, what're you idiots waiting for? This is great material! GET THAT CAMERA IN HER FACE!"**

...Fucking perverts.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**I'm very sorry, readers, but I've been too busy and too swamped to do an actual chapter. I had this mostly done weeks and weeks ago, so I half-assedly threw it together so you'd have something somewhat entertaining to read.(If you're that desperate) **_

_**Still, I would really reccommend seeing my ME fic if you're truly looking for something more entertaining. As is, this is still taking second place to Soldier Testament, I'm afraid. **_

_**But, I digress. A new storyline chapter for this is maybe halfway done, being finished sentence-by-sentence whenever I've got a spare five minutes.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**"Rangers lead the way - Right behind the Marines! OORAH!" -Unofficial saying of the USMC Force Recon.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**"Lesson one, my apprentice; female anger is an unguided weapon!"**___-One of Jiraiya's better lines, from the fic, "Better Left Unsaid"_


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